Weight Loss Support - Sad on what should have been a happy day :(

12-04-2010, 06:06 AM
Hi everyone,

I guess I am just needing to vent.

I ran a 5k charity race this evening which was really fun. It started at 7:00 and was the first race I have ever run in the dark. The course was over small rolling hills lit with tiki torches. Everyone had on light-up noses and crazy Christmas costumes. Very festive. I ran the 5k in 30:31 which isn't too shabby for someone my age and with my health issues.

I should be absolutely thrilled about this, and I am, sort of. However, 2 things set me off earlier in the day that I just need to unload. I went to the park with my granddaughter and 2 of my sons this afternoon. #2 son asked me "mom, when is the last time you swung on the swings"? I told him it was probably when I was a little girl. He said "give it a try". So I did. It was really enjoyable, freeing, felt great. He took pictures of all of us swinging. Later after I got home, I was looking at the pictures on my phone and I can't get past the feeling that I still look so gross and fat. I truly feel like I look better in the mirror than this awful set of pictures. Now I feel like I weigh 235 and it's all been some kind of a cruel joke.

To top it all off, I have been training to run a half marathon in March with a full Marathon next Dec. This is a bucket list accomplishment for me and if I actually am able to run and finish, I feel like I could die happy. (Which could happen...LOL). Well, on the way to the 5k, son #1 decides that it's the appropriate time to tell me that my hubby does not think that I will be able to run a marathon, that I'm kidding myself and that the boys shouldn't encourage me.

Truly, my husband is not some unsupportive jerk. He really isn't. He has been there with me through Parkinson's, a stroke, seizures, 2 brain surgeries and numerous other issues. He goes to the gym with me and eats healthy with me. I know he is worried about my health and me getting hurt, but heck, I had the stroke and seizures right here at home with no one around, I was overweight, depressed and pretty much sitting around waiting to die. I realize this is a huge undertaking, but I refuse to accept that I won't be able to do it. I just refuse. I am putting in the training almost every single day and I have resolve of steel.

These 2 incidents today just having me feeling down and low and I needed to type this out in hopes that someone might understand and maybe even offer a little advice or something for pulling myself out of this slump and continuing on my training path. Thank you for listening.:(

12-04-2010, 06:23 AM
Hello milmin2043,
I can definitely relate to you about the looking-bad-in-pictures thing. Blame it on the bad angles--you WERE in mid-motion! What you see in the mirror is so much more real than what you see in a picture, especially as you mentioned that these pictures were taken on a phone.
As for what your husband said, if it seems like an uncharacteristic thing for him to say, than maybe he is feeling threatened by your accomplishments? That is not very helpful, I suppose, but maybe taking into account how your successes might make him feel may help to shed some light on his un-supportive comments...
Hope you are feeling a bit better!

12-04-2010, 07:17 AM
Hopefully your husband said something to your kids that they didn't quite understand, like not to pressure you to do it or that he was worried about your health. I hope you two can talk about it and that he will be more sensitive.

12-04-2010, 07:59 AM
The picture thing -- BLAH! Maybe do yourself up cute and have someone take a pic of you in a flattering angle (swinging AIN'T it! hahaha), then compare that to an old photo. That's all I can suggest about THAT.

It sounds like you have a really supportive hubby, and it also sounds to me like he is worried for you. I doubt it's that he doesn't think you can do it -- I imagine he knows your iron resolve by now. Running is a very healthy pursuit, marathoning takes it to a whole different level, and I am thinking he is probably uncomfortable about the "I'll run this marathon or die trying" thing -- he doesn't want you to die trying! After the stuff he's been through with your health, your mortality is probably a pretty scary -- and real --concept for him.

I think you need to have a talk. Lay out why it's so important to you. Then he can lay out what his concerns are about it. He may feel that it's unwise medically for you to do what you're trying to do. Or he may not want you to set yourself up for failure. If it's the medical thing, you could even get a trusted doctor to give you the okay, that may make him feel better. If it's the failure thing, talk to him about not trying being the only possible failure.

:hug: Sounds like you have a man who really cares. Talk it out! ;)

12-04-2010, 08:02 AM

Pictures are not my friends either. I look in the mirror sometimes and see one thing, and then the pictures tell me something completely different. If it helps at all, my fiancee (who is a Photographer by trade) swears to me that cameras lie ALL the time. I guess this is true, because I have some pictures of me that he took, from great angles and I look like I weigh 100 lbs! obviously I don't! So do not let that get to you TOO much.

As for the hubby, kids probably misunderstood, OR hubby is very concerned about your health and what he is afraid may happen if you do the marathon. If he is like most boys, he probably cannot vocalize his fears and concerns very well. Talk to him about what your son said, and get it out in the open. Once his concerns are vocalized they can be addressed and taken care of. Maybe he can go to the doctor with you and have the doctor address his concerns as well

Good Luck, sounds like you do indeed have a resolve and strength of steel. I am sure you will do fantastic!

12-04-2010, 08:03 AM
Milmin, my MIL has Parkinsons. While she has no plans to run a marathon, I can imagine how this situation might play out in our family.

My FIL might say that he's worried, that he thinks marathon training will be too much of a strain on her system, that it might make her worse. Maybe he fears that all that running could cause another stroke -- all that heart pumping and pressure in the vessels. It's one of those homegrown medical theories that sounds reasonable to a layperson. (I'm always coming up with medical theories that sound perfectly reasonable and make intuitive sense, but that make my doctor-husband laugh). Maybe he's worried that inflammation of muscles/joints caused by long-distance running could aggravate and Parkinsons-related inflammation (forgive me if I'm incorrect about Parkinsons having something to do with inflammation)

And perhaps he feels that if you aren't encouraged, maybe you will be more likely to not go through with it.

But my FIL would never say anything to my MIL, because, as he says, "I have to live with her." So maybe one of the kids would say something to her. And now it feels like he is talking behind your back and undermining you, when really it comes from a place of concern.

What does your doctor think about your plan? Would it reassure your husband if he really understood that your doc is on board? Or if you promised to back off training if your health is suffering?

I, for one, am inspired by your plans. But I can sympathize with your loved ones who may be worried about how your plans may affect your health in both the near and long terms.

ETA: LOL, posted at the same time as Shannon AND Lioness. :-)

12-04-2010, 09:43 AM
Us guys do worry about our women!

I worry my daughter runs too many marathons.....

I worry my wife is getting "too old" to do the mud runs (only because of back issues)....

Prayers for health and support!

12-04-2010, 10:19 AM
On the other hand , you can have a wonderful secret. Don't say anything to them about what your son said. Just keep training and in your heart you will be telling yourself , I can do this, I will do this. Good luck.

12-04-2010, 10:34 AM
Your husband may just wish you had some wiggle room. Not feeling you just Have to run the marathon. He may want you to have the feeling, "if I feel like it, I'll run it"
Also, whose grown-up rear end looks charming in a six-year old's seat?
I'm already pretty slim and I love to ride the swings, but I can still feel "dunloping over" the narrow band!

12-04-2010, 11:16 AM
On the picture thing, you can compare that picture, unflattering as it is, to your beginning pictures and still see progress. I wouldn't worry about one picture. Besides, you're a work in progress and it's the healthy improvements that matter. Remember back to the election campaigns where candidates always picked the least flattering pictures of their opponents, with their mouths open, their eyes half closed as they're blinking, etc. That was an action photo and the action was more important than the photo. It shows 1) that you're doing something physical not sitting around and 2) you're creating special memories with a grandchild. They'll remember you swung with them - not the stupid picture.

On the half marathon - kudos for you. You can use the comment to know you have a graceful out if you ever choose to use it. You can also use it for inspiration - "He doesn't think I can do it, I know I can. I'll show him!"

12-04-2010, 12:08 PM
If you really think about it, sitting in a swing is a very awkward position - you're all smooshed in a bendy seat flying through the air in wierd angles. It gets more out of proportion the taller you get which is why 2 year olds look better swinging than 30 year olds do ;) Think about someone at your feet or low to the ground taking a picture at an upwards angle to your face - it's just a pose that is not the most flattering. So don't worry about that - instead remember the sheer joy that comes from swinging and laughing. Kudos to you for doing it as well as completing your 5k! :hug:

As for your hubby - as EZ says they do worry it's just that often they don't know the right words to express themselves in ways that WE understand what they mean. Like the others said, I'm sure he's concerned and doesn't want to see you get injured but sometimes we just have to let our loved ones try and reach their goals.

Best wishes to you in pursuit of your bucket list - make each day meaningful in your life!

12-05-2010, 02:47 AM
Thank you everyone. I appreciate not only that you all took the time to read my long post but to take the time to respond with such great answers.

Isn't it amazing that we can have such resolve to lose a ton of weight and get healthy, etc for months and months, years and years, and then some silly picture or off-hand remark can throw us into a tail spin?

I have a regular appointment with my neurologist on Dec 13th. She knows I've been running, but I haven't spoken with her about the marathon. I also am making an appt on Monday to speak with my neurosurgeon. I trust him more than anyone (since he has literally had his hands inside my head twice), and I am going to ask his opinion.

I spoke with my hubby today and explained how much his remark hurt me. He was flabbergasted and upset and still is. He said that he told my son that he didn't think I could do it with only a year of training, not that I couldn't do it at all. He is just beside himself to think that he said something that would be taken out of context (he should know....lol...there are OUR children, afterall), and that he hurt me so with the remark. He had to work today and has called me twice to see if I'm ok. He's no saint, but like I said, he's always been there for me, so I guess I should have been a bit less upset by what my son said, and gone right to the source before wigging out.

I also promised him that if either of my brain docs told me I absolutely shouldn't do it, that I won't. So, now I'm nervous that they are going to tell me no. My mother talked to me today and said "Rhonda, neither of them has said that you can't run, you will still be able to do that, but maybe not a marathon." She is worried that I have talked myself into thinking that my PD is cured because I am doing so well currently. It's strange how people will always find something to worry about. When I couldn't walk or talk, everyone was worried about me ALL the time about everything. Now that I can do so much more, they are worried about me kidding myself into thinking I'm cured. It just proves, it's always something. :)

I have a friend who is 61 and has had PD for over 20 years and has run 14 marathons. He is my inspiration to try this.

Again, thank you to everyone who responded. Your words of wisdom moved me. :)

I will let you all know what my doctors say. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I really want this.

12-05-2010, 09:40 AM
everyone else has commented about the problems, but I want to comment about your son. I love this young man who puts his mum on the swings and gets her going and having fun. I'm sorry the photos didn't turn out so well, but the fun was worth it. What a nice memory for the grandkids too, going to the park and having such fun with you.
Hope you can let the rest go, with your resolve, I have no doubt that you can do whatever you set out to do, after all you have done already with your health issues. That is really inspiring to me.

12-05-2010, 01:57 PM
Thank you fatmad for those kinds words. (((hugs)))) You are absolutely right. I needed a few days to gain some perspective. That's why I love this forum so much. People here will let you get it all out and not tell you you're silly or too sensitive because we are all fighting a similar battle.

Have a great Sunday.

12-05-2010, 02:22 PM
everyone else has commented about the problems, but I want to comment about your son. I love this young man who puts his mum on the swings and gets her going and having fun. I'm sorry the photos didn't turn out so well, but the fun was worth it. What a nice memory for the grandkids too, going to the park and having such fun with you.
Hope you can let the rest go, with your resolve, I have no doubt that you can do whatever you set out to do, after all you have done already with your health issues. That is really inspiring to me.

This except I am more than willing to bet that the photos turned out much better than you think:hug:

12-06-2010, 02:46 AM
It looks like you got all the responses that you needed and cleared up a misunderstanding with your hubby. I just wanted to weigh in really quick with my 2 cents.

I want to start by saying that the pictures probably aren't as bad as they look to you. I know I zoom in on the trouble spots that no one else seems to notice until I point them out. Also, I also know that sometimes a bad photo is a result of bad angles and timing. I have a friend who is nowhere near overweight and I have a couple of pictures of her that are just rediculous when you compare how the picture makes her look and how she looks in real life. The same thing that can happen if you catch someone's face right before they sneeze or are eating, can happen with the body.

Second, I have a little boy with chronic medical issues. He's been fighting for a "normal" (I call it typical) life since birth. I have to fight my instinct to "bubble wrap" him to insulate him from struggle and disappointment. I know that desire to protect the one I love will harm at times when I want to help. It could have kept him away from some of his biggest accomplishments because I was afraid for him. (I love him so much and he's already been through more than someone his age should). I know you said your hubby isn't a jerk and your sons are probably just like him, but I wonder is their hesitancy isn't from concern and love, not jerkiness. I just have to say that unless your doc says it would be bad for you from some medical stand point, then go for it. Really, respect your limits (we all have them), but I mean your actual limits versus someone else's opinon of what you can do.

I've learned that there are only a few outcomes. You could try and soar. two, you could try. It could be hard as heck, but then you keep pushing knowing your family will be there for you. Three, you try and don't finish the race as planned, but you have a great experience to look back on. Four, you don't try at all and you have no idea how you could have done.

With my son, we don't know what to expect. He has a couple of very rare disorders and no cases to tell us for sure what he can or can't do. Our only way of knowing is for him to try. I no longer dream the same dreams I had for him (like all mothers looking at their pregnant belly), now my biggest fear is that someone places a label on him or a limit and says this is what you can achieve and for him to give up on a desire/hope/dream before he even tries because he believed what they said.

That's my long winded response. I hope there was something useful to you in there.

12-06-2010, 03:33 AM
Thank you so much for your response. Bless you and your precious little boy. My heart hurts for you because I can imagine the kind of internal struggle you must go through on a daily basis when trying to decide the best way to proceed. I have been very blessed that none of my children have had any serious illnesses. I am sure that I could hold it together on the outside, but inside I'd be a total mess with worrying.

You are absolutely right about my family's concern. I feel like a total a** for jumping to conclusions with what my husband said and causing him to feel worse. He has legitimate reasons to be worried. I am sure that there are all kinds of scenarios running through his head of what could happen. I need to be more sensitive to the idea that my husband and sons are genuinely worried about dear old mom.

I feel, at this point, that there is nothing stopping me. I have not felt this alive in many years. I was actually training to run the White Rock Marathon in 1999 when I was told that I had Parkinson's disease. After I heard those words a few times from a few different doctors, it's as if the world stopped. I didn't even realize it at the time, but I stopped living. It was as if I slammed on the breaks. My life was so hopeless, in my own mind, that I might as well have been dead. I wasn't doing anything except going through the motions of taking care of my young family. I was sleeping any time I possibly could and eating in between to squash the pain.

My son that took the pictures on the swings is responsible for getting me running again. We were at the park, walking, and he said, "mom, when was the last time you ran?" He was a Marine and has a huge booming voice and personality. He said, "come on, let's try it, just for a few seconds". Well, I ran that day, and have been running almost every day since. Something clicked back on in my mind that day and now I am very fearful to have anything happen that might turn the switch back off. I have to talk to myself a lot about what will happen when dbs batteries need replacing, or if the doctor says I shouldn't try to run the marathon.

I have to be kinder to myself also, and I really am working on that. I have to figure out that everything I've done so far is a victory and not put so much pressure on myself. It's strange because before when I had so much internal conflict, I would eat chocolate and tons of carbs to push back the pain. Now, I have to deal with it and it can feel like a scab that keeps getting picked over and over. This journey has been wonderful and very scary at times. I wouldn't change it for the world. Thank you again everyone for your wonderful comments.

12-07-2010, 01:47 AM

You are absolutely right about my family's concern. I feel like a total a** for jumping to conclusions with what my husband said and causing him to feel worse. He has legitimate reasons to be worried. I am sure that there are all kinds of scenarios running through his head of what could happen. I need to be more sensitive to the idea that my husband and sons are genuinely worried about dear old mom.

Please don't feel bad. I had no intention of making you feel worse about your situation. I just wanted to add that sometimes family forgets to be supportive or has a hard time not worrying. You have every right to make it clear to everyone what you want and that you would like for them to put their fears to the side to support you (especially if your doc says it's okay). Plus, if you hadn't clarified with your hubby what he said/meant then those concerns would be in the back of your mind and your kids would feel conflicted about trying to support both parents. You didn't jump to conclusions. you took the information you had and you used great communication skills to talk about the issue with your spouse.