Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - Am a worthy enough to date?
12-01-2010, 06:44 PM
OK I wasn't sure where to put this but here it goes....
I use to be 250lbs and now I'm 140 but I still feel like the 250lb girl at times. I was reading other people's posts and saw that I am not alone. So I figured what I am feeling is normal and hopefully overtime I will feel more confident about being a healthy size. Sometimes though I pass a full length mirror and I do a double-take at my own image...I still shock myself when I see my new body. Hopefully my brain will catch up to what my body has achieved.
Now my problem is that I don't date. I have never felt worthy...I've had a big self-esteem problem for a long time. My inner voice use to say 'why would they want to date you. You are huge.' Or 'they could do better then you.' My inner voice was mean I've evicted her butt a while back ago but the problem is some areas of my thought process are still effected by that inner voice. It's like a tornado going through a town even after the tornado left the damage has already been done.
So currently I have been talking to this guy on-line and through text message. He is a friend of a friend. He seems really nice but I get ober nervious at the thought of him meeting me. Because remnants of that little voice says, 'he will be disappointed.' I'm thinking I should just go for it. We've only been e-mailing eachother like three days now but I don't want this to turn into a pen pale situation.
I don't even know what kind of advise I'm looking for...honestly I feel like I'm rambling but I feel better for writing it down. Have any of you guys been here and if so what did you do?
12-01-2010, 07:03 PM
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Write that on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror! I haven't been at your weight so I can't say I know exactly how you feel I do however know about low self esteem. My current boyfriend has been a friend for years I never thought I was good enough yet he loves me and when I look in the mirror I don't like what I see he does.
There are lots of guys who probably find you attractive you just have to find a way to believe it.
I have found working out is helping my self confidence I have found if I train for a race and complete it I get a huge boost, if I lift kore weight than last time same thing. Try and find things in your life that make you feel better about you!!
I hope things go in whatever direction you decide you want them to go with your email friend!
12-01-2010, 07:21 PM
You know what I'm taking that advice and I am doing it right now. Thanks
12-01-2010, 08:10 PM
the only thing i can say is this: after a mess of a marriage and a *series* of very bad choices, i was wondering if this whole relationship thing just wasn't meant for me. But after a lot of thinking i decided it was just worth it. It was worth any risk, be it being so nervous, or rejection-because the end result was worth it. i just refused to give into the fear and nervousness about what dumb crap i would do next. Fear and rejection and nervousness are huge in dating, but i didn't want to be the old crazy cat lady all alone one day. i bit the bullet and decided i had to go for it. i would go out even if i didn't feel like it, to a party or whatever was going on, and wear make up, and kind of "faked it til i made it" and i'm really glad i did. my life has changed so much for the better since i have met my Husband :) and i ended up having a fun, fulfilling life, and even forgave myself for most of those past choices. Don't let the inner voice win. You can do it!
12-01-2010, 08:12 PM
You were good enough at your highest weight and you're good enough now!!! Now repeat that over and over and over again!
12-01-2010, 08:41 PM
Jinx, I think all of us can relate on some level, to your body image insecurities. I've got a long ways to go still and I too and struggling with dating and my body insecurities. I too am dating with an online contact. We went from emailing/texting to having Skype dates. Miles and money have not allowed us to meet in person yet - so this time has actually helped me learn he is really interested in ME. It has been 3 months now and we have such fun on our skype dates - i light candles, we have a glass a wine and chat and even found a way to play pool together. As flirting gets deeper, we have gotten a bit more fun with our online dating and his positive feedback really have done wonders to boost my confidence in my changing body and my image of myself. So with that - you need a new view of yourself...get out there are start hearing the wonderful comments just waiting for you!!
12-01-2010, 10:33 PM
I know exactly what you mean! I've been talking to this guy for weeks now. He kept telling me he liked me and thought I was pretty, etc. Last night we kissed-it was great. But the thing is, all I can think is like, what if I wasn't a good enough kisser? What if he decides he doesn't like me after all now? What happens when he realizes I'm boring? And not interesting? And then I'm left liking him and he just stops talking to me? I hate it! I don't know what to do about it...
Last night he was like, "you don't really talk a lot anymore." Like I have a wall up again...it was down for a little bit but the more I like him, the more insecure I feel about it and the wall starts to go back up. And know what? He can sense it...which isn't good.
I think you probably have a similar situation. There's a wall you're putting up with a lot of guys-even if you don't realize you're doing it (I know I don't mean to). And they can feel it and that's why they don't approach you or why they put you in the friend zone. It's one of those things where you are really going to have to make a consious effort to remain open and let this guy know that you're into him.
It's freaking hard! Dating stinks! Lol. But it's something you have to do if you're ever going to find someone to be with. Ugh. So in summary: I get it completely (I have the you aren't good enough in any respect voices too), and you're going to have to make a decision to be super open and flirty with this guy (or any guy) and learn to drop the wall down. It's scary. I don't like it lol. Good luck!
I have had to work so hard, for so long to feel worthy. At least you know, it means on some level you are working on it! Also, reaching out here isnt rambling...its another sign you want to feel worthy, good job :)
First - I think we tend to expect others are perfect and will judge terribly any flaws we have. That isnt true. Other people have their own issues, and if they DO judge you - pointing out it isnt their place is usually enough to settle them down while you gather your **** and walk away!
Second - It is hard to date when you feel this way. It doesnt mean you shouldnt date, but it does mean you will continue to question your worth and may push the guy away or do other silly things to sabotage. Be mindful of it, and try to keep working on yourself.
In my darker moments I try to apply logic to my feelings of unworthyness. For example...
I believe all newborns have the same value. Maybe some have genetics more well suited to being thin/fat, intelligent/less intelligent, health issues, etc. But have you ever looked at a newborn and thought it was less valuable as a human being than the newborn next to it, no!
What makes us feel less valuable? Choices we make and circumstances we experience. Change your choices and heal your experiences, it will help.
12-29-2010, 12:33 AM
You are not alone! I have a boyfriend of 8 years and at times I feel he could do better than me! I dont know why we beat ourselves up like that
01-12-2011, 10:47 AM
"I believe all newborns have the same value. Maybe some have genetics more well suited to being thin/fat, intelligent/less intelligent, health issues, etc. But have you ever looked at a newborn and thought it was less valuable as a human being than the newborn next to it, no!
What makes us feel less valuable? Choices we make and circumstances we experience. Change your choices and heal your experiences, it will help."
Love this! :)
01-12-2011, 10:58 AM
At the risk of becoming that person who gives the same advice no matter the problem :rolleyes:...
For all of you who struggle with this, please try strength training. :D Weird? Maybe. But it has given me confidence like I've never had before. It has made me much more open with new people, men AND women. Unfortunately, the only men I run into are married! :rofl: But still. They're good to practice on. ;) (Just to be clear on on my tongue-in-cheek statement there, it's nice to meet and talk with married men. I find it very non-threatening which makes me more open and comfortable and I stammer and say stupid things a whole lot less.)
I'm about to enter the dating world myself. I'm not quite there yet. I have many, many fears. But at least I have a touch of self-confidence. I'm really worried about a guy finding out I have a belly! :rofl: But other than that, I'm ok with me. And yeah, guys have their flaws too. If you can just imagine them being just as nervous as you, maybe that will help.
01-12-2011, 03:36 PM
Hon, it's just a date, not marriage and lifelong commitment.
Set up a coffee/chat thing, go, and have a good time. If you like his company, do it some more. Set up a dinner/movie thing. If you don't like it, say "Ok, that was fun! See ya around!" and chalk it up to good enough for coffee, but not feeling enough magic there for dinner/movie.
Are you saying you aren't worth going out for a cup of coffee?
Besides, YOU have a voice and YOU have a choice. Maybe it's HIM that doesn't make the cut for YOU!
And even if you don't like each other like THAT, all that means is that it doesn't seem to be magic there. You can stay friends or not.
But it doesn't mean you are undateable or that there's is a match out there somewhere! It just means that one wasn't it.
Don't sweat it.
01-12-2011, 03:46 PM
Of course you are worth it!!
I met my husband at the end of my weight loss journey. Half the time I strutted around feeling so sexy with my new figure, and half the time I felt terribly conscious of the saggy skin and the stretch marks underneath the clothes. Sometimes I still feel fat, even when I was at my lowest weight sometimes I felt fat.
But being in the best relationship I had ever been in gave me such a HUGE confidence boost which helped to counteract that nagging voice which told me I was still that fat, horrible, unlovable girl I felt I used to be. Someone loved me. SO much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
That is the biggest confidence booster I have ever had.
Dating is horrible no matter what size you are - there is far more to it than size. Before I met my husband, I had turned down second dates with men who were nice looking, because there were other aspects which I didn't like.
Luckily my husband is nice looking AND lovely so I win on both counts :D
Go for it - if it works out, you will not regret it.