Weight Loss Support - Any room for a new guy ? Need advice.




ANGST
11-28-2010, 08:49 AM
Greetings from Northern VA . I'd like to share a bit of my story first. I have been pretty much overweight most of my life , except for a brief period when I was 16-19 or so (Lots of skateboarding) . I am 5'9" and was hovering around the 300 mark for a few years. Unsucsessfully trying to eat less to lose weight. I may of lost and gained 20-30lbs a few times. Then after lots of loving nagging by my wife , I decided to start doing water aerobics.

Now I am a mid 30's guy in water aerobics class with mostly 60+ women. It was actually fun. After doing that for a year or so I noticed the weight was coming off. I was down 40+ lbs. Then I decided to kick it up a notch in the intensity level. So I started doing cardio kickboxing 3 , then 4 times a week. Combined with calorie counting / portion control I lost another 90 or so in the past 14 months. So I am now down to 159 (135lbs lost) .



Now here is the issue , my wife , who I find very beautiful is now saying I am too skinny , calls me "Kate Moss" in a derogatory manner , is critical of how much time I spend at the gym ( normally 4 hours a week ) . I feel she tries to push food on me .

She is pretty much irritated that I now weigh less then her (she's 5'8" 170) . So before she nagged me to lose weight , suggested all kinds of benefits (eluding to more sex) to losing , ect... No that I am in a normal BMI range I am getting nagged still.

So that is issue number one ;)

I will leave it at that for now, but what should I do ?


jilly6
11-28-2010, 08:53 AM
She may be feeling insecure that you are now in your new fit body that you may no longer need her. I would find ways to reassure her that you still love her. Maybe find activities to do together that you can still get exercise but be together.

bargoo
11-28-2010, 09:13 AM
Your weight for your height sounds just about right. What jilly6 says is right, sometimes spouses start to feel insecure when we lose weight. She may be afraid you will start looking good to someone else. Remind her she doesn't need to worry about those 60 year old ladies ! Also remind her that yoy are improving your health and will live a longer happier life at this lower weight.


lazylioness
11-28-2010, 10:22 AM
she is probably a bit insecure about her own weight issues.

Talk to her, invite her to the gym with you.

The truth is this is a "her" issue so nothing you can "say" will help her. She has to get through it. However, you can help. Tell her how it makes you feel when she talks to you that way, and how it makes you feel when she pushes food on you.

JayEll
11-28-2010, 11:00 AM
Congratulations on your weight loss! :cheer2: :cheer3: :cheer2: :cheer3:

Yeah, I would gently confront her, by which I mean, tell her how you feel when she disses you like that. Tell her you don't want her calling you "Kate Moss" any more. I mean, really, that is an emasculating comment, isn't it?

Four hours a week at the gym is not excessive, by the way, so she has nothing to base that comment on.

You don't have to show anger or raise your voice--just tell her in a calm but firm way that you don't appreciate those comments, and that you want her to stop. It could be that she's gotten so used to just saying any old thing to you, she has forgotten that you have feelings like anyone else in the world.

And then you may need to remind her for a few times after that, because she'll probably slip and say those things again. Just keep making your point.

Jay

luckymommy
11-28-2010, 01:17 PM
Welcome aboard! Your issue is a common one on here.....You got some great advice. I'd also like to add that people just get used to how someone looks, even if that someone is overweight, so that when they are at a normal weight, to their loved ones, they may appear emaciated. It may just take her some time to get used to your new look. :)

Pint Sized Terror
11-28-2010, 02:35 PM
I agree with what everyone else says. My husband is overweight and when I started making healthier choices, he started pushing food on me, making it more difficult for me to go to the gym, making comments etc...

Don't take it personally, but stand firm. Let her know you don't appreciate her comments, and try to make working out a family thing. I used to ask my husband if he wanted to go to the gym with me. If he did, good, but most of the time he didn't want to go. He just wasn't ready to make the commitment even though he was unhappy with his weight. So instead of doing something about HIS issues, he'd take it out on me. I'm not kidding, he orders pizza 4-5 times a week, and eats 5-6 full meals (500 calories or more) a day. When I would politely decline, he would be offended. Lately he's been trying to tell me I'm not eating enough, and that I don't need to lose any more weight. I just politely remind him that I monitor my nutritional AND caloric intake every day on Fitday.com, and that I do need to lose weight since I am still overweight.

Yikes... LOL, long story short, hahaha, just stand your ground. Be firm, but understand that she's speaking from insecurity.

ANGST
11-28-2010, 05:35 PM
Thanks for all the advice I will try and incorporate some in. I think the thing that gets me is how much she was on my case to lose the weight to begin with. She had lost 40 lbs and was on me while she was losing. She has plateaued for about the last year or so (while I was dropping) so I understand her frustration. I have tried to get her to the gym on the mornings when the kids are at the grandparents every now and then , but she wants no part in it. She says she rather work out on her own :(

kathrynk
11-28-2010, 06:51 PM
Thanks for all the advice I will try and incorporate some in. I think the thing that gets me is how much she was on my case to lose the weight to begin with. She had lost 40 lbs and was on me while she was losing. She has plateaued for about the last year or so (while I was dropping) so I understand her frustration. I have tried to get her to the gym on the mornings when the kids are at the grandparents every now and then , but she wants no part in it. She says she rather work out on her own :(

Yeah, she's most likely frustrated that she stalled while you were losing. Maybe you could find a cooking class to take together to revamp her motivation to eat well? I know for me it becomes monotonous and chore-like and maybe she could be reminded that it could be fun? Do you have a dog? If so, you could make a family walk with the dog after dinner a nightly thing. That remains my fondest memory of my childhood, so don't be afraid to incorporate the kiddos! I guess there's no rule against having a family walk without a dog, either :)

Other than that, I completely agree with the other posters. She is probably feeling negatively about herself, or nervous at how good you look (congrats, by the way!), or both. Gently remind her how much you love her and that your hers and hers alone. But "gently" is the key word. If you get angry, she'll get defensive and neither of you will get anywhere. It's best to come at it from a "It really hurts me when you..." angle. Good luck to you and her both!

Butterfly7
12-01-2010, 05:09 PM
I know a person who tries to fatten up her husband because she has been unsuccessful at weightloss and doesn't want him to be attractive to other women and also wants him to relate to how bad she feels as an overweight person and stay in that place of misery(?) with her. When I first heard her say that it shocked me. In fact, whenever anyone loses she will constantly say it's not worth it to do or food sucks when you diet, etc. I can't understand this. It makes me sad and I think maybe your wife could benefit from some unbiased(therapist?) perspective on what is going on with her and why she is unsupportive and making your relationship worse meanwhile avoiding her own issues at the same time.

I agree with everyones advice like family walks after dinner or weekend activities that are physical or outdoors if she doesn't like the gym.

krampus
12-01-2010, 07:42 PM
No woman likes weighing more than her man. FACT. That's why she's all snarky about your loss. It's humiliating and terrible to be the female half and to weigh more, no matter how happy your man is with your size.

She'll have to come to terms with it though - at your height and weight you sound just about right, not "Kate Moss" underfed at all, and you're doing the best thing by staying in shape.

flippychick
12-02-2010, 08:33 AM
Krampus, you hit the nail on the head! Why is that? Even if the woman is a foot taller than the man, there is somehow this weird notion that she should weigh less.

ANGST - I have to agree with everyone here. It's probably a huge adjustment for her (whether it's conscious or not). I think most women would agree - it's just not FAIR that most men lose weight more easily than women just because of overall body composition. But it sounds like you did a heck of a lot of work to lose yours, so hopefully she will find a way to be more supportive of your efforts.

MablesGirl
12-02-2010, 09:36 AM
Congratulations on your weight loss! That is a great accomplishment. According to the height and weight charts, you are right where you are suppose to be.
I agree with everyone else, it's insecurity. I am not "old fashion" at all - I make more money than my husband, he does 90% of the cooking, we do our own laundry individually becuase neither one like the way the other does it. But, still, in some secret part, I want to weigh less that my husband, because it would make me feel more feminine. I would like for him to me able to pick me up and carry me to bed. It happens in movies, and books, and was suppose to happen on our wedding day, but it didnt'.

mkendrick
12-02-2010, 08:54 PM
First, HUGE kudos to you and your weight loss!

Second, I feel your pain. I lost the weight in a healthy way (balanced diet with controlled calories and moderate exercise) and am still well within the healthy weight range for my height. My fiance definitely went through a phase when he acted like I was a full blown anorexic and was constantly trying to feed me. He acted like I was abnormal and unhealthy for not wanting to eat a McDonald's cheeseburger. Anyways, I don't mean to steal your thread, just thought I'd share to let you know you're not the only one whose spouse is trying to fatten them up, hehe.

But I agree, I'm sure it's a combination of her own securities and perhaps feeling like she doesn't fit in your "new" life, if that makes sense. I think that's what my fiance's concern was. He saw that I had completely transformed myself, had more self-confidence, new sense of fashion, new interests...he was just afraid that he wouldn't have a place with the "new" Megan.

Perhaps find a completely new activity that both of you are interested in. She may not want to come to the gym because the gym is your thing. But maybe if you BOTH start doing something together, it can be a couples thing. Something she was included in from the start, and could also help her shed a few pounds if she was so inclined. My guy and I are starting to ride bikes together, and it's going to be OUR thing.

matt_H
12-02-2010, 09:11 PM
You've gotten some good advice and I don't really have anything to add. I hope you stick around these boards. There is a excellent maintenance section and exercise sections that you might find usefull.

krampus
12-02-2010, 09:17 PM
Krampus, you hit the nail on the head! Why is that? Even if the woman is a foot taller than the man, there is somehow this weird notion that she should weigh less.

It's because in almost every movie ever made, the man is about six feet tall and the woman is shorter than five feet six. He is big and muscular and upside down triangle shaped while she is a petite 120-pound hourglass. Despite the fact that all men are not 1950s Marlon Brando and all women are not Ingrid Bergman, we still think that is how it's "supposed" to be.

bonnnie
12-03-2010, 07:15 AM
So, maybe she is discouraged with weight loss - like, it has to be this ultra-personal choice and commitment and she is just not on board right now.... it happens to all of us.

And then you are there, still committed and motivated, and she feels like you are watching over her shoulder when she eats. Maybe she wanted a greasy cheese pizza, so she ordered it, and then you vehemently refuse because you are healthy and losing weight.

As a VERY overweight pre-teen, my Mother would watch me like a hulk when I went into the kitchen and look at me disapprovingly when I grabbed something to eat. Then, I would find ways to sneak it - anything so that she wouldn't see. Even to this day, I sometimes 'sneak' food, not wanting my boyfriend to see me eat (even if it is healthy and within my calorie allotment) and I hate eating in front of other people.

My point is, you probably don't realize it, but you are getting on her nerves. You are surely judging her bad choices - even if you don't say it out loud, she can still feel the judgment... and then she exaggerates it in her head.

So, if I were you, I'd probably reinforce that she is beautiful exactly as she is and she doesn't need to lose anymore... i mean her weight is at the high end of the BMI, but perfectly healthy. And stop asking her to go to the gym.

ANGST
02-09-2011, 08:17 PM
So, maybe she is discouraged with weight loss - like, it has to be this ultra-personal choice and commitment and she is just not on board right now.... it happens to all of us.

And then you are there, still committed and motivated, and she feels like you are watching over her shoulder when she eats. Maybe she wanted a greasy cheese pizza, so she ordered it, and then you vehemently refuse because you are healthy and losing weight.

As a VERY overweight pre-teen, my Mother would watch me like a hulk when I went into the kitchen and look at me disapprovingly when I grabbed something to eat. Then, I would find ways to sneak it - anything so that she wouldn't see. Even to this day, I sometimes 'sneak' food, not wanting my boyfriend to see me eat (even if it is healthy and within my calorie allotment) and I hate eating in front of other people.

My point is, you probably don't realize it, but you are getting on her nerves. You are surely judging her bad choices - even if you don't say it out loud, she can still feel the judgment... and then she exaggerates it in her head.

So, if I were you, I'd probably reinforce that she is beautiful exactly as she is and she doesn't need to lose anymore... i mean her weight is at the high end of the BMI, but perfectly healthy. And stop asking her to go to the gym.



I assure you it is not in that context of "Hey want to go to the gym with me today" . It is more she complains she gets no time to work out , so when the kids are at the grandparents on a morning I normally work out I have asked if she wanted to go with me.

bargoo
02-09-2011, 08:48 PM
Keep on taking care of yourself , when she is ready to do something about her own health she will let you know. I don't know where you live but if you are buried under snow wait until weather gets nice and find some activities that all the family can enjoy. Biking. hiking, tossing around a frisbie amything that you all can enjoy for good physical exercise.

Tomato
02-10-2011, 03:28 PM
Hey Angst,

Congrats on your terrific weight loss! I had a good chuckle at your comment about you doing the aqua aerobics with the 60-something ladies. :-)

helen73
02-10-2011, 04:26 PM
It could have less to do with your actual weight and more to do with the time spent exercising. For example, has she been nagging you to paint a room or fix this or that? Does she feel like your not "doing your share" at home? If so, then she sees that you'll keep your commitment to the gym and diet but not to the "couple". So maybe she's being passive agressive b/c she's mad about that. I could be wrong but it's something to consider.

L R K
02-10-2011, 04:50 PM
1st off, congratulations on being 135lbs down. That is an amazing accomplishment! :cp:

I agree with the others in saying that I think she may be feeling a little insecure with her own weight issues and seeing you succeed is making her feel a little down. Speaking as a girl who often feels insecure about her own weight issues, especially with a SO of a healthy weight, she just needs you to show her that things haven't changed and that you still love her.