General chatter - Dating is brutal! But I need advice!

11-26-2010, 11:14 PM
I'm so sorry this is long I have a tendency once I write about soemthing I can't stop and I figure it'd be easier to get the whole story out for advice then a short version haha...maybe :carrot:

So I decided to join up to a dating website and I'm really paranoid about meeting people off the net and the only way I will is if one: they don't bring up sex in the conversation. and two if I can have an actual conversation back and forth with them about everything and anything (other then sex. Don't get me wrong I love sex and enjoy a good stimulating conversation about it, but to have it in the first 5 minutes with a stranger NO WAY!)

So I ended up going on this date with this guy...(Stupid me didn't think dinner would be a bad idea for a first meet) I was also talking alot to this other guy whom I was way more interested in and he seemed completely into me (before we met) The date lasted 4 hours long and the guy I was really into kept texting me through out it, because I kind of told him about it (it's a dating website he told me about the chicks he met.) and of course I didn't pick up the text and text him back until it was over (that's plain rude and I hate when people text while your out with them doesn't matter how bad the date went.)

So then me and this other guy (the one I'm completely into) decided to meet up the next day, we just went for coffee and it wasn't long he had things to do as did I. Then the texting and the calling kind of slimmed down from there...and at first I thought he's probably just not into me (and I had deleted my profile off the site, because really if I'm into someone there is no point in me going out with other guys because they won't keep my interest.) And he had mentioned it to me as to why I deleted my account and stuff and I just told him the basic, most men on there are for sex and I don't feel that I want to be on the site right now. He seemed to agree with me because he has the same issue with some woman. Well he didn't delete his account...(Which is cool I didn't really expect him to)

He works away from home in the rigs so he's away for three weeks and home for one. Well I decided he wasn't into me so I stopped bugging him for two days I didn't even contact him only to recieve a text from him. (Now he's not the type of guy who gives compliments or anything because in his head he's not here to boast anyone's ego...) Then I was talking on the phone with him and mentioned why I stopped talking to him and that was because I figured he wasn't into me so I backed off...He said that if he wasn't then why would he continue on talking to me...Well in my head it was me ALWAYS contacting him and I figured he was just being nice.

So lets skip forward a few days ago I made a slight joke about being psychic (SP?) and I had said to him that "He's met the girl of his dreams (though he doesn't know it yet) but he's too stuborn to do anything about it because he's decided to continue on looking so int he end he doesn't get married. (he's big on getting married he's 31 and the last person in his "family" who doesn't have someone...but he's not desparet like some people get when things fall like that.) Well the next day he had deleted his account off the website and for once he had FINALLY contacted me first. I had also remade my account and decided to continue on fishing...(because I have this habit when I like someone they tend not to like me back so I wanted a plan b.) Well this woman I worked with had told me to delete my account because obviously what you said to him had triggered something...So I did.

We still talk on and off (mostly I bug him but he doesn't seemed to mind it because he's not ignoring me) well my dilema is this theres this other guy at work whom seems pretty cool to hang out with (but it might be more then just a hang out thing...) but what I don't know is with this other guy if he's really into me or what his deal really is. Because he says that he plans on working straight until xmas (family is a huge thing to him so of course he want's to be there for xmas.) and I've asked him to come with me to my work christmas party but he says he probably won't be home then, but will book off the 3rd and the 4th probably to come home and do some stuff he needs to get done...and of course in that he doesn't mention if he will see me at all or anything and part of me wonders if i'm wasting my time.

My friend told me not to go with plan b just in case because it seems like the guy likes me, I'm just so used to some who is controlling and constantly breathing down my back side that when I meet someone who is laid back and not 100 percent focused on me I tend to freak out and not get it...(I know thats an issue I'm going to have to deal with.) I was also told I should just ask him...but then I don't really want to ask one (in fear of the answer I guess, and two he might think i'm some weirdo...)

So what should I do? Just grow a pair and ask the guy what's up and if he does see something with us...or just continue on dating other people until he comes around and says something (Which if he does like me and did delete his account for my petty little half joking thing, could piss him off and ruin it...)

sorry I like lots of opinons when it comes to stuff like this, I'm weird like that I can't just go on what one person say...or even what three people say! ahaha!

11-27-2010, 12:02 AM
It seems to me he likes the attention but he really doesn't seem that into you. If a guy was into you, he'd be calling and texting you. I'd just leave him alone and look for other opportunities.

If you think the site is too sex/booty call focused, maybe look at other sites? There are many dating sites.

11-27-2010, 09:28 AM
The guy deleting his account seemed like a good thing.....but it also seems like YOU are making all the contact and he is not committing to anything, even as far as meeting for coffee.

Us guys are a rare breed....we fall all over ourselves sometimes to make sure the girl notices us...or we play the joe-cool deal where the girl has no clue...

it is hard for us to find that balance sometimes.....

but this old guy says something isn't right since you have made ample moves to make contact with him and he (seems) to only receive it for the most part...

Seriously, since you said meeting for Christmas seems to be a not gonna happen thing, I would ask him if you can set a definite meet up for the 3rd-4th...if he backs off on that....

move will find someone that is "into" you...not this anchor!

11-27-2010, 11:59 AM
The 31 year old, that's the one I'm going to refer to. :)

My fiancť was the same way. A bit shy, never
contacted me first, etc.

I remember before we started dating, I would
wake him up in the mornings (he's a very late
sleeper) and I would feel like I was bugging him.
But he assured me I wasn't. Like you, I wasn't
use to such a laid-back guy.

I had no clue he was into me. Yeah, we were
friends, but I didn't think anymore of it.

And one day he confessed he loved me and,
instead of texting me, he called me and asked me out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is is that
this guy you're describing sounds a lot like
how my fiancť use to be before we started
dating. I think, in your situation, it's going
to take time before you start seeing any
sparks or hints. Just like it was with me.

If you really like him then maybe go on a couple
more dates. He deleted his profile for some reason
or other, he's continuing talking to you, he's making
an effort now to contact you first, maybe these
are all just little hints. Good luck! :)

11-27-2010, 12:15 PM
KISS -- keep it simple. Just ask.

Whatever his deal -- shyness, wishy washy, work schedule, allergic to email, etc... You aren't a couple, and you are merely starting to date. So you don't have to accommodate any of his dealies at this point like you would if you were married or seriously dating.

So just get what YOU need. There's no need to be rude, but if what YOU need is answers, just ask the questions! That's part of the whole "get to know you" phase of dating. How can you get to know if you do not ask? Ask away!

Then you can just get on with your dating life -- with or without him.


11-27-2010, 03:27 PM
I completely feel you. Dating is terrible. I recently started talking to a guy. He was sending me "subtle" hints. Well, I don't get subtle. So I got wasted, walked up to him and demanded to know what his intentions were...and if it wasn't "more than friends" then I was going to put him in the friend zone. Lol. Normally I'm never that direct...and to be 100% honest I barely remembered any of the conversation except he told me I had gorgeous eyes and he gave me a slightly horrified look when I threatened to put him in the friend zone. Lol...yeah.

I made him re-tell the convo when I was sober and I was super embarrased. He was like, "it was like you were being your dad...i've never had that happen before. You were protecting yourself..." he claims he found it cute. Dunno. We're still in the just talking phase (with cuddling thrown in) cause he wants to take it slow. He was like I want to get to know you first...I'm not just trying to sleep with you. Isn't it sad that because he wasn't trying uber hard to get laid and trying to get to know me that I couldn't figure out he was into me?

My point is this: just because he isn't being super obvious doesn't mean he isn't into you. Also, liquid courage can be helpful. lol. just kidding (unless it works for you) ;). If he deleted his post and he's talking to you it's a good sign. But sometimes you have to tell guys what you are looking to hear. They don't want to put themselves out there for rejection anymore than we do. So I say suck it up and put it out there. If he says he sees you more as a friend then great! You haven't passed up on your Plan B. But if you keep hanging around waiting for Plan A to confess his undying love for you, you may miss out on Plan B--who may just be the perfect guy for you if you gave him a chance.

Good luck!

11-27-2010, 05:14 PM
Nelie Ė What you said made so much sense to me and it opened up my eyes so I deleted his number and decided to move on...but then he called! lol That usually happens too.

Ezmoney - He actually said he was going to be home this weekend yesterday while I was talking to him, and of course everyone told me he was waiting to see if I would ask him out...(I donít get it if you want to go out then just asked me...) Well I ended up saying to him If your avaibale and have time then give me a call and weíll get together or something, he said for sure...So Iím not making the attempt on this one the ball is in his court.

Ciaos Ė You know at first I thought maybe he was like shy or something but heís soo full of himself and wayyy too into himself (and Iím going to guess has too much pride to say anything to me, like hey lets go out since I seem to be the one who has made the contact throughout the whole thing...) So I donít think shyness is his problem, or maybe his ego bullcrap heís pulling is in the end a little insecurity he has hence why he makes himself look better then he really is? I dunno I hate hints I like people to just be straight up without me always having to ask, because then i come off as needy and I donít like that lol.

Astrophe Ė I thought about just asking, really I have...itís just I donít have the balls to just do it, (I donít know if itís a pride thing, or if I think heís just going to lie...there has been times Iíve asked guys and then they say things are going great and then poof they back off and ignore me, which is a good sign meaning I didnít need to waste anymore time with them...but people lie! Lol) Iíll wait and see if he makes the effort to contact me today since he said he was going to be home soo many times on the phone last night.

Wibble- omg I love you, you remind me of me...when I have liquid courage! But I totally agree Iím the same way, the only way I really know if a guy is into me is if heís trying to sleep with me (actually, I dunno itís weird I know men arenít always into you when they want to sleep with you, but itís nice to hear the compliments and have some feel like they are into you even if they are just trying to get laid.) So I totally get your point of when someone is trying to take it slow you just donít get it. ALL of my past relationships moved fast (probably why they drastically failed) but when a change happens itís like...wth? what do I do with this...But I totally get your point!

Alright thanks for the help everyone! I have decided to take on your advice...mostly Iím going to see since he IS home this weekend Iíll send him a message (I know indecisive here from what I wrote up not too long ago in the beginning of the paragraph. Haha) and see if he wants to get together, and if he pulls the whole he has no time then Iím moving on and Iím gonna tell him that to.

11-27-2010, 07:11 PM
Good luck. I am not the most experienced dater but I can say that I've had experiences where someone made it really obvious they were into me and then I've had experiences similar to yours. Those only ended with frustration/heart break.

(My husband, despite being shy, was definitely someone who let me know he was interested)

11-27-2010, 09:45 PM
DEFINATELY dont put all your eggs in one basket! Keep seeing this guy but keep talking to other guys too. If this guy wants you to be exclusive with him he should man up and tell you that. Until then, date other people so you don't get too attached to the one.

11-28-2010, 10:08 PM
Exactly! Have your cake and eat it too. Until you're officially a couple, no reason to tie yourself down. The main dude in question seems really flaky and wishy-washy. Maybe he likes the ego boost your attention gives him or maybe he really likes you and just stinks at showing it - but like katkitten said, try not to get your hopes up in case of failure.

Dating is complicated and confusing but I totally, absolutely, 100% miss it.

11-29-2010, 08:50 PM
Thanks guys! I guess some progress hit, its understandable for him to take it slow and stuff after have been cheated on by his last two girlfriends, But I've decided to talk to other people as well until we sit down a discuss what we are or where this is going. I personally think it's too soon for me to just get up there and ask so, I'll wait for a bit while continue to explore my other options because its happen to me where I put all my time and effort into just one guy and bam he's no longer into me and then I don't have a plan b. lol

11-30-2010, 12:27 PM
Keep your options open, girl! Feel free to date other guys. You might not know it, but he's dating a legion of girls at a time.

And that's a brief lession on Long Distance Relationship 101.

Hope this helps a bit!


11-30-2010, 02:50 PM
Thanks guys! I guess some progress hit, its understandable for him to take it slow and stuff after have been cheated on by his last two girlfriends, But I've decided to talk to other people as well until we sit down a discuss what we are or where this is going. I personally think it's too soon for me to just get up there and ask so, I'll wait for a bit while continue to explore my other options because its happen to me where I put all my time and effort into just one guy and bam he's no longer into me and then I don't have a plan b. lol

I always find it suspicious when a guy thinks he's been cheated on. Is it possible women he was interested in were just dating other guys at the same time as he wasn't making any kind of committment to them?

11-30-2010, 09:22 PM
I always find it suspicious when a guy thinks he's been cheated on. Is it possible women he was interested in were just dating other guys at the same time as he wasn't making any kind of committment to them?

Makes sense IF they weren't in a relationship and were just "dating" but from what he's told me they were in a long *** relationship for quiet a few years...So yes that could be possible if he wasn't commited to them, but hearing about it I'm pretty sure he was especailly when he was raising one of the girls kids for 3 years.