General chatter - I lost a friend?




View Full Version : I lost a friend?


Kaala
11-25-2010, 04:55 AM
I am 22, I've had a best friend since I was 10. We grew to be essentially sisters- we each lived with the others' family at some point, went on vacations together, spent most of out time with the other, etc. She bought me a car, we adopted cats together, I think we were as close as friends could be.

She recently got married (up until the wedding we were roomies) and ever since then she just... changed? Like a totally new person came and took the place of the friend I once knew almost better than myself.
We just grew apart, which I guess is normal, but it's still shocking, you know?

So I live across the county from my mother but she is still who I look to for advice- I email her regularly and told her the situation, how I felt, etc.
Blah, blah- My friend kept getting weirder and weirder and then
KAPOWWW!

She asked to meet me and told me she needed to confess that she hacked into my email account and had been reading them for over a year. She seemed to be VERY overly upset that I "talked about her behind her back" (to my mom- who I tell everything)

Obviously I was speechless and hurt and creeped out...
(I had some very personal stuff in my email account- LIFE LESSON: Change your passwords regularly)
I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings, I apologized that I had discussed our relationship with my mom (which I don't actually think was wrong since it was not ever nasty, just honest) and asked for some space- (it was a VERY polite, respectful and genuinely loving letter) she texted me, saying she was working on a "reply letter"
And...
I have not heard from her since.
It's been months now. My Birthday passed without a call, Thanksgiving is tomorrow...

I guess I just feel sad that those 10+ fun and fabulous years could be thrown away without a look back or even a "So long, good luck"?
Am I weird for feeling this way?

I've made myself some new friends and found new activities to take up the empty feeling (geez, this sounds like some terrible break up or something)
but I still miss my friend.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to move on or what to do?


Serval87
11-25-2010, 06:05 AM
I feel that same way. Seriously. It was almost like you were telling my story besides a few things, but then I got to the part about her hacking YOUR account and then being mad at you.

Notice a problem there? Where was your apology from her? What she did was wrong. She intruded on your privacy. You should be the one that's angry.

But back to what I was saying. I've had a similar experience. My best friend and I knew each other since second grade, and we're getting into our middle twenties now. We began to grow apart right after I got married, although there were many moments in our friendship when she would cast me aside for a new friend, but she would always come back. Oddly, she could never have more than one good friend at a time without ignoring the other (which usually was me).

Then she changed dramatically, and now we just don't fit each other anymore. She's a completely different person, and one who rarely keeps in touch. I've tried to hang on, but she just doesn't seem to care anymore. And to be frank, she's just not the same person I grew up with.

I guess I would say try to keep in touch as long as you can, but if it seems like you're making the only effort to keep the relationship alive, then it may mean that she's already moved on, and you should too. I know it's painful to let go of a friendship, but sometimes it just happens. Feel free to IM me if you need to talk.

CelticTiger
11-25-2010, 06:22 AM
That's awful, its so terrible to lose a friend like that. Although I do agree with Serval, she had no right to be angry at you when she was the one reading your emails for over a year! Thats such a betrayal of trust and boundaries and obviously she wasn't the person you thought she was if she was doing that. I would say don't be in any hurry to contact her, but let her contact you in her own time. If she has any conscience she will be grovelling with apologies and you might be able to sort it all out, but otherwise maybe you're better off not having her in your life anymore.
Best of luck with it but don't let yourself be hurt!


cincimini
11-25-2010, 08:25 AM
It's always hard to lose a friend, but to be honest - it'll happen many more times. I just left my 20's behind and I can tell you that by the time you reach 30, a lot of people will have come and gone.
When I was 19 I moved from Germany to the US. I had so many friends back home and I was convinced we'd always be friends, no matter what. Well...it didn't happen. I have one or two people I'm still in close contact with, that's it.
People just change so much in that time. Your experiences will give you a different outlook on life and shape your values and beliefs. Friends that don't "go" in the same direction might fall by the wayside. For me, I'm single, independent and have lived on 3 continents over the last 4 years. There isn't much I have in common with my friends from college who are now married, have their first or second baby and a mortgage to worry about. It doesn't mean I don't like them anymore but...we're on totally different roads at the moment.

Sorry, got sidetracked here. What I wanted to say is this: It's okay to mourn a lost friend, but I'm convinced you can move on and find new ones. Just try to look at it as a part of your life that is now over. It was nice, you learned a lot, but there are new things/people to explore. Besides, anyone betraying your confidence like she did, I'm not sure you WANT her as a friend anyway. :hug:

kaplods
11-25-2010, 02:38 PM
I know it's not easy to lose a close relationship, but it probably really is for the best (I know that doesn't help).

...but, hacking into your email account for over a year isn't just wrong, it's pretty messed up, crossing into psycho (especially that she confronted you over your "hurting" her, not realizing or caring that her offense was much worse, and way more crazy-creepy).

Personally, if I were you I wouldn't hope to salvage this friendship, even if she were to apologize and want to make amends (at least not unless she was in therapy and realized how crazy-creepy her actions were).

cbmare
11-25-2010, 05:39 PM
She should be begging your forgiveness. Hacking an email sounds illegal not to mention what Kaplods said.

MiZTaCCen
11-25-2010, 11:53 PM
I'm 25 and I moved around a lot in my life and have lost many bestfriends. At one point in time I stopped calling anyone a bestfriend and just had close friends. It took me years and then I finally had a bestfriend again when I was about 22 and lost her. Seems like keeping friends is a hard thing to do (for me) anyways and I don't know if it's me or if it's everyone else around me. But at one point in time I had someone tell me my "current" bestfriend was talking crap about me behind my back to her boyfriend..when in reality I feel this (Mom's and Boyfriends, Husbands etc...) are the very few people whom which you can speak to freely about your bestfriend. Personally I think when people get married they usually change towards their single bestfriends, because they feel the need they don't need anyone else other then their husbands. She was in the wrong, she hacked into your email account and snooped around in a place she shouldn't have been. If she had an issue she should have came to you in the first place. Losing a bestfriend or friends is exactly like a break up. (you were in a 10 year relationship with this girl, maybe nothing sexual or anything a boyfriend could give you but you were still in a relationship just a different kind.) As for getting over it, thing are just going to take time as it does for when you lose anyone whom has been in your life for such a long time. I'd say forget about her, and allow yourself to move on and stop holding on (just like you would do with an ex boyfriend). She was someone whom you thought you could trust and turns out she isn't. Not to mention she has completely changed into something else. Things eventually heal but you have to allow yourself to let go first before that progess starts happening. Good luck, many more people will come and go into your life it's just how it happens.