About an hour ago, I had a horrible binge (popcorn, chips, and chocolates) and did my damn best trying to purge it all out. I've tried to purge numerous times over the past five years, using my fingers and then trying it with my toothbrush, but to my deepest dismay, I've always failed. Today was also failure, even though it was the closest to purging I've ever gotten since I was able to gag a little. I suppose I'm thankful that I've never been successful at actually purging, but I'm still trying to cope with living with all those horrible empty calories I've consumed.
Food and how I look has always affected me very deeply. In my sophomore year of college, I remember when I'd binge on 2,000 calories at night, and then work out at three in the morning trying to make up for it since I felt too ashamed to be working out when anyone else was around. When I binged in between classes, I would feel too fat and disgusting to go to class, which eventually led me to having to drop two classes because of my horrible attendance. Often times, I'd skip out of hanging out with my friends because I'd be terrified of all the calories I would gain. I've also developed a habit of sucking in my cheeks a lot because it's the part of my body that I'm most concerned with, and I've always felt that they were so fat and ugly.
How does one find self-worth when feeling so ugly and fat? What bright side is there to look at? I feel like despite whatever I've accomplished - attending a good school, holding leadership positions in various clubs, etc. - it's all negated by the fact that I look fat and ugly.
I've always had pretty horrible self-esteem, and after a horrible binge and another unsuccessful purge, I'm just feeling at the lowest of lows right now.
11-24-2010, 04:38 PM
First of all, :hug:, :hug:, and more :hug:. You ask a lot of very good questions. I ask myself these from time to time. I don't have a great answer here, but I think the fact that you posed these questions is very brave. You're searching for ways to feel confident and beautiful (you certainly look good to me from the photo you posted :) ). I think you should know that your ideas about yourselves probably have very little to do with how the world sees you.
Perhaps you can explore why you binge and what feelings you're trying to suppress? I know that when I binge it's a stressful time for whatever reason but also because I've had some terrible ordeals in the past.
Try to change your self talk....how would you talk to yourself if you were your daughter? Would you treat someone else the way you treat yourself?
Anyway, there's a lot more but I have to go. Take care. :hug:
11-24-2010, 05:38 PM
luckymommy has a lot of good suggestions. Often we would never dream of treating someone else as badly as we do ourselves. Trying to see yourself from outside eyes can help.
In my opinion, identifying your binge emotions is a must. For me, I am incredibly uncomfortable with anger - mine or anyone else's. Realising that has helped me a lot.
11-24-2010, 06:40 PM
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there before. Fortunately, all these nutrition courses I had to take in college taught me how to take my frustrations out the healthy way. Reading your post made me wondered what makes you THINK you're ugly? You're beautiful in that default you have! :)
I don't know how to give good advice. :( & I agree with the other posters that you need to figure out what is making you feel this way. What is the emotion underneath? My therapist suggested working on myself and to build a strong self-foundation by starting to eat healthier and exercising.
It's impossible to start from one day to the next, or at least for me since I was in a terrible depression state. My suggestions is to eat all you want, but spread them throughout the day. Eat slow so you can feel full sooner, and when you feel full stop eating. You want to feel beautiful? You can, but you'll need patience and self-control. Instead of trying to purge your calories away, maybe you should try running. Run your calories off.
In the end, the healthier route to being "beautiful" will help your self-esteem and it will last longer. Trust me.
11-24-2010, 07:33 PM
Just so you know, 3FC does not support eating disorder behavior.
I would really recommend that you find some counseling. I'm sure that your school has a counseling service available to students, or that you can get a reference to a therapist or registered dietitian who can help you work through your issues with food.
Also, there's a forum on 3FC for folks who have trouble with binge eating. It's here:
No one here is a professional, so all we can do is urge you to stop bingeing and stop your attempts at purging.
I hope you can get some help and get a handle on this!
11-24-2010, 10:31 PM
Welcome to 3FC!
Lots of great support here, but,,,,,,,,
I agree with JayEll, get yourself a counselor the faster the better! Don't waste precious time!
11-25-2010, 12:04 AM
In highschool and college I had some very disordered eating and all the distorted thoughts that go along with it. For me, a vital part of this journey has been refusing to participate in "food guilt."
If I smack a toddler or kick a puppy, guilt is the appropriate response. If I eat a burger, it is not. There's nothing I can eat that can make me a bad person.
I know a lot of people disagree, but to me fat is only unhealthy, it's not evil and it's not even ugly. Even at my highest weight, I deserved respect, not only from others but from myself too.
A lot of people talk about losing weight resulting in more self-esteem and self-respect, but for me I had to learn self-esteem and self-respect in order to lose weight.
I viewed all my previous weight loss attempts as "punishment" for being fat (when I got sick of punishing myself, I abandoned the diet). This time around, I see my diet and exercise changes as ways to pamper my wonderful self, not smack around the awful me.
Self-respect and self-esteem aren't beyond your control. It's not easy, but it starts with talking to yourself. Learning to recognize the bully in yourself and coming to your own rescue. It really is like having multiple personalities, but in a good way. You treat yourself as your own best friend, not your worst enemy.
Weight loss doesn't make you a good or talented person, just a healthier one (if you do it in healthy ways). The really important stuff (integrity, generosity, intelligence, wisdom....) has nothing to do with your weight. Lose weight to feel healthier and even to look nicer, but not to be worth something - you're already priceless. Treat yourself that way.