Weight Loss Support - Weight Influencing Relationship - Advice?




JMSilver
11-24-2010, 06:15 AM
This is a bit hard for me to type, but I am so in need of some advice or just understanding...

I have a wonderful, loving relationship except in one aspect - my weight. I lost about forty pounds last year and it was great. 'Ahem' was happening more than ever! But then I started having gallstone attacks (this is what happens when you lose too rapidly) and had my gallbladder removed by emergency surgery Jan. 2010.

Recovery from surgery, a really rough time with depression, moving house (after living with the stress of living next to criminals), a long winter (I have SADD) and being ill all added up to me gaining all the weight back. Down to the exact pound where I started losing last year.

I'm back on track and losing again, but having had me at 220, having me back around 260 (currently) means... Well... "Ahem" just isn't happening. There have been excuses, but I finally got straight to the point and he admitted that while he loves the me he sees inside, the outside just... isn't appealing.

Now, I think I have been handling that news well. I sort of saw it coming - even though that didn't seem to soften the blow any - so I knew I had to get back on track. And I am. But in the interim... I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions about that 'news' in check as well as feeling upset about the lack of the intimacy that comes with 'ahem'.

So what I'm getting around to is: Has anyone had their weight influence their relationship? What do you do? How do you cope? How do you even deal with the emotional burden of having heard that from your partner?

Like I said, I think I'm dealing rather well with it, but in the back of my mind there is that niggle, that little voice reminding me...

Help?


JessLess
11-24-2010, 06:48 AM
Honestly, people are so much more than how they look. Would he be uninterested in you sexually if you got gray hair, wrinkles, became disabled, etc.? I would never tolerate being treated like that, honestly I think it's shallow. If he feels that way it's his prerogative, but I would never lose weight for a man or stay with a man that wasn't attracted to me. I realize that my views are a little extreme and I certainly don't mean to offend, but I think you deserve someone who loves you for YOU.

Nebuchadnezzar
11-24-2010, 07:07 AM
I just couldnt put up with that sort of thing. Sex involving how you look for a man in my eyes just makes the woman an upgraded right hand. Sex for how you feel doesn't go toward looks at all. I just...ugh. I'd hit him. I can't stand people like that and I have to keep reminding myself that is isn't ALL men. Like a mantra. Guuuh.

So my suggestion would only to be to say almost -exactly- what the poster above me said. "What about this and that? When I age? When YOU gain weight am I supposed to be open minded and okay with it? Because I expect you will say yes. Also, with this attitude what makes you think I would want you when I do lose the weight? I should be losing it for me. NOT YOU."

But...I'm a little Draconian with these sorts of situations.


seagirl
11-24-2010, 07:44 AM
I have a wonderful, loving relationship except in one aspect - my weight.

I think this should read "I have a wonderful, loving relationship except for one aspect - my partner's problem with my weight."

Is there some magic day when he's going to want sex (with you) again? Will you celebrate your goal weight by him saying "you are now attractive to me again, I permit you to touch me."

I don't know your living situation, but maybe the best thing for both of you (since it's a shame he has to be dating someone who is fat) is for you to break up while you lose weight. Then when you are appropriately thin you can decide whether he's the one who gets to see you naked. (Or, better yet, you can be free to find someone who wants to see you naked no matter what your size.)

bonnnie
11-24-2010, 08:10 AM
I think there are many different types of love.

I've known people who started in a regular sexual relationship, and who love each other, find that the sex part fizzled out completely - leaving them with a good, loving friendship. If you are completely honest - was the sex SO good when you were 40lbs lighter?

Also, there is a lot to be said about how your feelings toward yourself - maybe you had much more confidence and energy at 220, making you much more sexually attractive?

I'm certainly not justifying his behavior. You are already suffering from depression and weight gain - I think the last thing you need in your life is someone else who is critical of how you look on the outside. Let's be honest - if he gained weight, you'd never say anything that would make him feel unattractive or unsexy. You deserve respectful, loving treatment from your partner.

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 08:12 AM
OK so unlike most people I am going to go against the "norm".

I personally have had weight affect my relationship as well. But not how you are probably thinking. First, a lot of it was a me thing. My fiancee thinks I am sexy no matter what (or so he says) but I get in my head. If "I" do not feel sexy and attractive, how can I even "ahem". And when I can manage to do it, I am thinking about what I LOOK like the whole time. Obviously this is not a good thing.

But secondly, and this is where I go against the norm...I think that it is ok for your boyfriend to say/think/feel that you are not as cute heavier than smaller. I can tell you, that as much as I love and adore my fiancee, when he has gained some weight the physical "thing" is just not there. I just cannot look at him and get all mushy inside like I do when he has lost 50lbs, and he is a big boy. 6'2 and 280 currently (he just lost about 30lbs). I do not think that it is shallow at all. While it is nice to think and say that love for the person inside trumps attraction for the person outside...it is just not true. I would love love love it if my fiancee had "Brad Pitt" abs, and he would love it if I had "Angelina" boobs! Does that mean that we love each other any less? Nope. It just means that fit is physically sexier to us both. "ahem" is ALWAYS better when we are slimmer.

I personally think, that if you start loving yourself, and feeling sexy and attractive for yourself, he will naturally follow. Confidence is sexy, regardless of the size person that it is in. Learn to love and accept yourself, and make yourself sexy and healthy, and you will probably discover that "ahem" is better and more frequent. So, I do not suggest breaking up with him, or hitting him or getting irritated with him. I suggest being glad and happy that he was honest with you (even with some prodding and coaxing) and in turn you being honest with your feelings about the admission. Work together and talk about it, and make the weight loss a together thing.

JayEll
11-24-2010, 09:26 AM
What people find sexually attractive has nothing much to do with thought processes. What turns one person on won't necessarily turn another person on.

Regardless of what your boyfriend says, his inability or unwillingness to have sex with you may have other causes than simply your weight gain. Your weight may just be something easy to point to.

You cannot let your weight loss or gain be dictated by what another person wants. Please read that sentence again!

Relationships come and go, and they also change. What if you go and lose that weight just for HIM, and then it turns out he still doesn't want to "ahem"? Would you give up and eat your way back up again?

Your motivation has to be about you, what YOU want, and what is healthy for YOU. Being attractive to others should be way down the list and be a by-product of getting healthier.

Good luck on your weight loss!
Jay

krampus
11-24-2010, 09:33 AM
I agree with lazylioness here. Sex is about physical attraction and we cannot control what we are and are not attracted to. It's a sort of harsh and unfair reality that doesn't make him a bad person and is no one's fault. It is terrible to hear though - I'm not sure I could ever relax and be myself if my boyfriend flat out told me he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight.

Confidence is attractive to everyone - it sounds like you'd want to lose weight even if he weren't a factor. Work on yourself for your own purposes. You come first! Besides, there are surely loads of other men out there should you decide staying with your current man isn't going anywhere.

Is all intimacy out the window or just the naked kind? I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

*big e-hug*

Sarahlynn
11-24-2010, 09:37 AM
I happen to agree with lazylioness. I think that it is easy to say that your partner sould love you no matter what and be attracted to you no matter what but our minds just dont work that way.
My husband and I have the opposite problem in that although he has admitted that he is more turned on by my fit and trim body he still wants to ahem all the time and I find myself begging to leave the lights off or trying to hide imperfections and obsessing over how certain things look and that just isnt sexy.
I would however remind him that just because he isnt ready to ahem right now doesnt mean you should remove all physical contact and perhaps as you begin to regain self confidence and become more fit the ahem will just happen. If he refuses any kind of contact than it is a different story and I would walk away from that because nobody deserves to be in a relationship where you cant even get a hug, hand hold or kiss because you've gained weight.

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 09:54 AM
as an addition to what I said, and had brought to light by the last two posts....

Intimacy comes in ALL forms not just naked ones. Are you still holding hands, looking at each other in the eye and laughing, touching each others face or arm just because? The list could go on. There are a million close, intimate things that you do in a solid good relationship that have nothing to do with naked activities. IF those are all still there, if you can catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of your eye doing something so "him" and smile about it, and he can do the same with you, just ride this out. The "ahem" will come back and in the meantime, use the little things to connect on a deeper emotional level.

shannonmb
11-24-2010, 11:56 AM
I do agree that, especially for men, sex can be more about physical attraction. And I wholeheartedly agree that sex is better when both partners feel good about their bodies and are willing to put it all out there. But I honestly don't see how the handholding, hugging, kissing, and giving each other 'the eye' can happen on a true intimate level if there is a cut-off point based on weight. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even be able to touch him without wondering if my body is grossing him out. I personally couldn't be in a relationship like that, I'd rather be by myself than constantly wondering if the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone is okay with kissing me and whatnot when my clothes are on, but THAT'S where he draws the line. It's cliche, but what if a woman got breast cancer and had to go through a double mastectomy, chemo, etc. Would he be there to hold her hair back when she is throwing up? Or after the hair falls out? None of that is sexy, but a true lover would be there to help, not to ADD feelings of insecurity and embarrassment.

I have absolutely no advice on what you should do in your situation, OP, but that is how I feel about a love relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband would be there for me no matter WHAT happens to my body in this life, and he wouldn't be my husband if I didn't feel that way. And I feel the exact same way about him.

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 12:08 PM
shannon..quick question, if you had breast cancer, had a double mastectomy and lost your hair, would you be wondering if your body grossed your husband out?

I would.

Yes, physicality comes and goes. Sometimes we are fat, sometimes we are not. Sometimes our hair is gray and sometimes we get wrinkles. But there is so much more to intimacy beyond the naked part.

Personally, I feel more beautiful when my fiancee looks into my eyes and touches my face, than when he is all feisty and naked. At that moment, I "forget" what I look like and just enjoy being in that moment. The thoughts of what my body looks like, comes with the naked parts. So there can absolutely be intimacy with a "cut off point". I do not like looking at his big ole belly any more than he likes looking at mine, that does not mean that we do not absolutely share touching and extremely intimate moments more often than we share naked ones.

shannonmb
11-24-2010, 12:26 PM
Lioness, I am in total agreement with you about intimacy, and that it doesn't have to be any kind of precursor to nakedness. I think it's much more important than the actual act, and that more love can be shown in a glance and a touch than what happens in the bedroom. For sure! But if I actually knew there was a "line", I'd be real nervous about when it would be crossed regardless.

I'm thinking hard about your question. Yes, I suppose I would be wondering if my husband found me repulsive if I lost my hair and one/both breasts. In fact, I'm sure I'D find myself repulsive. I also found 350 lbs repulsive, and I find that even with less weight, it's becoming apparent that things are going to be hanging here and there in a decidely unsexy fashion. I have actually talked to my husband about this, and in a weak and ugly moment I asked him how he can even love me when I look like this. Bless his heart, we had recently watched Avatar, and he told me it was like the scene when the guy was back in his human body, they looked into each other's eyes and said "I see you". Yes, he is corny! But I thought that was so sweet, and really left me knowing that no matter what, he knows and loves me for me and that an extra layer of fat, hanging skin, amputation, isn't going to change that.

All that said, the "ahem" has been great since I've lost some of my weight! I'm just thankful that I know first-hand that when the chips are down, he's going to want to "ahem" with me no matter what, because he loves me. And when we're old and maybe parts don't work anymore, etc, we'll sit around and talk about all the "ahem"ing we did at all my different weights back in our younger years. :D

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 12:35 PM
Right absolutely. I feel the same way about my honey...but if truth honestly be told....six pack abs are infinitely sexier on a physical level then the pony keg that he currently carries around. That in no way shape or form means that I do not love him or find him sexy on a level that has nothing to do with his physical appearance.

I just think that the OP got an honest answer from her boyfriend. And that is commendable. Better she know that and deal with it, than not know and think everything is honkey dorey. Yanno? The boyfriend should not be beaten up because he finds her more physically attractive when she is thinner. While weight loss should be for you, and not someone else, sometimes knowing that someone else would like the better version of you more..helps. And lets face it, I doubt that any of us think that we are the better version of ourselves heavier.

Make sense?

yes husbands, wives, etc should love you regardless of what you "look" like. They should totally love the person inside of the shell. That without argument is true. I just think that because the physicality changes and "fades" with time, that if you or your spouse is not happy with the current version of yourself, then you need to talk about it together and change it, if it is that important.

Now, here is another question. If you found 350 pounds repulsive, and admittedly you did. Why is it not OK for him to find that same 350 lbs repulsive?

BTW not trying to be argumentative at all :). Message board forum hard to "read" people. So, if I am coming across as upset, totally not meaning to be.

JayEll
11-24-2010, 02:05 PM
I've decided this thread has strayed far from real-world sex lives and has become theoretical and philosophical. And so... :wave: :lol:

Jay

Katterina
11-24-2010, 02:52 PM
I'm having a similar issue in my relationship, but the roles are reversed. I lost some weight this past year and my husband gained around 30 pounds. Now I want *ahem* more often, but his libido is almost non-existant. He tells me he feels repulsed by his shape and that it kills his desire. He doesn't think he could possibly be attractive at 270 lbs, even though I am still very much attracted to him and frequently tell him so. I don't think he believes me, and I'm not sure why because I'm not the type who looks around and I've never been drawn to pretty boys or hard bodies. (I think male body builders look kind of gross, actually... no offense to anyone, just my personal preference.) I think he's amazing inside and out and I wish he could see himself the way I see him. :?:

shannonmb
11-24-2010, 03:05 PM
OP, I really didn't mean to hijack your thread, and I'm sure Lioness didn't either. Lioness, you are eloquent, polite, and wise, and I value your posts. No harm in a little disagreement, even though I think we are actually on the same page most of the way. Just had to get that out, we can go back to real life sex talk, JayEll! :D

JMSilver, I would feel really sad about this, too. I agree with whoever said work on yourself, get where YOU want to be, and then when he's back all over you, decide if HE's what YOU really want, since apparently the skin-deep beauty is a big issue. Yes, he was honest, so now you know what his expectations are and whether they fit in with YOURS.

JMSilver
11-24-2010, 05:24 PM
I really want to thank all the posters in this thread from the bottom of my heart. Every one of you has given me a lot to think about.

In all honesty, he felt very bad about saying what he said. But I pushed him to be honest with me because I felt something was off. When he said he wished he could take it back, I said, "At this point in my life, I need your honesty more than your coddling."

And I do. I'm building a new life, trying to get healthy, finding out who I am. I have always loved that he is honest, and I don't fault him for having his preferences.

That being said, I still get depressed about it. How could I not? We still have all of the other things - hugging, kissing, hand holding - and I'm happy about that. But I do know that I need a place like this to talk about these things, to 'be around' people who understand, and I appreciate all the responses.

I don't know that there will be a magic number of when things get back to normal. I don't want to know. Because for once in my life, I'm doing this for me. I don't like being at this weight because of my preferences for me. I'm just focusing on making myself feel sexy - without his or anyone else's input.

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 05:49 PM
I'm just focusing on making myself feel sexy - without his or anyone else's input.[/QUOTE]

That is what is best in my experience! If you feel sexy, he (or someone else) will totally think you are slammin' sexy. Way to go girl!

JMSilver
11-24-2010, 05:51 PM
Thank you. I've been drooling over some plus size lingerie and I think I'll get some. No waiting to lose more weight, and I'm buying it just for me. :)

Besides, it's a corset. It'll get smaller with me. ;)

Ursula745
11-24-2010, 05:54 PM
OK - I'm going against the norm, here, and I don't meant to start anything. Here are my thoughts, and this has affected me.

1. Most men are very interested in looks, and those that don't either 1)say anything about weight, or 2)don't admit to it when asked, usually are not being honest. MOST, not all. Most men are attracted physically first before emotionally. I think it's just their nature and testosterone levels.

2. Women put more emphasis generally on emotions, and therefore, we usually expect our men to do the same. It's doesn't happen that way.

3. Mine was not attracted to me because of the fact I didn't respect myself enough to keep fit and take physicall care of myself, not the "weight" itself, but the things that made me overweight. I didn't care enough about myself to do something about it before it got out of hand. So, if I can't respect myself, how will others? And, you know what, I see his point! I agree with him.

4. Gray hair, wrinkles, some illnesses, all of that is part of life that comes with age. Gaining a little here and there is, also. But, being morbidly obese, barring some medical condition, isn't. It's doesn't come with the territory of aging. It comes with not doing something about it.

I agree with my hubby on his thoughts and, I'm still very overweight, but now that I'm fixing it, his respect level has grown for me and we do "ahem" all the time now, even though I'm still fat. He wants to be with me because I love myself and him enough to be the best I can be.

Now, as I said, this is a generalization and isn't absolute. They are my feelings, and I think those that say all the things like "I'd leave him", "I wouldn't put up with that" are not facing the reality that most men do care about looks. I think there are many men out there that will not tell their wives the truth or avoid the subject, because it's painful. I also think it works the other way around sometimes, but overall, this is what I think.

The weight isn't any different than if someone suffered from depression but wasn't fixing it and making life miserable, or, a gambling or alcohol problem and not facing it. How long could one live with that or how long would you put your family though it knowing it's affecting their health? To me, it's the same thing.

It hurts. I know. I just used my anger and sadness about it as fuel and made it better. And, I will never stop caring about myself again.

I'm glad your are caring about yourself and doing this for you. Get that Lingerie!

Paloma
11-24-2010, 06:33 PM
It sounds to me that this guy does really love you and to me is more of a keeper than 90% of guys out there. Even though he's not 100% attracted to you right now he still wants to be with you and tries not to make you feel worst about your weight. If he were constantly demeaning you that would be one thing, but he is trying to hide it. You both just need to rekindle the sexy side of the relationship.

This may sound like bad advice to some people, but I say you both need to get moderately drunk (not sloppy or pass-outy drunk) and have some *ahem as you call it. Leave the lights off if you want. Focus on creating sensations that feel good, not what you look like. Be loud, pretend those extra 40 lbs don't exist. I guarantee you that you will both feel 1000% better.

Paloma
11-24-2010, 06:34 PM
Note: The drunk part is so that you will let go of some inhibitions. Just a drink or two to loosen up.

whatadiaryisfor
11-24-2010, 06:47 PM
Note: The drunk part is so that you will let go of some inhibitions. Just a drink or two to loosen up.

I'm sorry I totally lol'ed at this, but I so agree! :D

lazylioness
11-24-2010, 07:11 PM
OMG soo opening a bottle of wine tonight HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And you go girl with the sexah lingerie!

You have a good man it sounds like. Seriously. I know it kinda sucks, cause my man and I have had that convo before too. But honestly, its what one of the last things was to get my butt in gear for the last time. I WANT my man to want me, ALL the time and vice versa with him. At the risk of the TMI coming up, I know he misses the lingerie that frequented his vision 50lbs ago!

I will say it again, YOU GO GIRL and get yourself all sexified!

HAHA

seagirl
11-24-2010, 07:15 PM
I have found that Pants Free Movie Night works well too.(Just make sure you are at home, not the theater.)

Rana
11-24-2010, 07:56 PM
I have found that Pants Free Movie Night works well too.(Just make sure you are at home, not the theater.)

:rofl:

That made me literally laugh out loud!!!!!!

JMSilver
11-24-2010, 08:02 PM
Hahaha. You all rock.

I'm thinking Christmas this year will go like this:

Lingerie - Gift to myself
Bottle of wine (or two) - My gift to him
Whatever happens after the wine - Our present to each other.

Tee hee!

krampus
11-24-2010, 08:27 PM
Agree with the "have a couple drinks and bang like teenagers" suggestion. Lights off, lights on, blackout, bright light, you'll both be so into it that it won't matter. If you choose to have such a session though don't make a big deal of planning it in advance to him. Spontaneity or at least perceived spontaneity is sexy as ****.

Sigh. I miss the days of feeling like doing ahem EVER

shannonmb
11-24-2010, 08:31 PM
This may sound like bad advice to some people, but I say you both need to get moderately drunk (not sloppy or pass-outy drunk) and have some *ahem as you call it. Leave the lights off if you want. Focus on creating sensations that feel good, not what you look like. Be loud, pretend those extra 40 lbs don't exist. I guarantee you that you will both feel 1000% better.

I take back everything I said before and say go with this advice! I'm not too proud to admit Paloma's advice is way better than mine! Thanks for the thread, it's given me a lot of food for thought. ;)

lazylioness
11-25-2010, 01:40 AM
wine suggestions...

Chalone Pinot Noir (yummy fantiscness)
Twisted (hahaha love it) Merlot Or Chardonnay
Liberty School Cabernet

All available at your local BevMo.

Or, The Happiness Project (I think that is what its called) But the label has a big huge yellow smiley face on it. Sold at Trader Joe's

Yeah, ok Wine is my new obsession LOL.

ielena
11-25-2010, 02:13 AM
I donīt want to jinx anything... but even drunk he may say no to sex. Iīm saying that because Iīve been in that road a time ago and is a possibility. Now hubbie wants to "ahem" all the time but Iīm not in the mood, we have like 6 weeks without sex, a part of me is twisted and Iīm starting to realized that Iīm saying no to punish him because I asked him and pushed him about to be honest :carrot: I hope youīre not like me and eventually will let those feelings go, is the best.

JMSilver
11-25-2010, 04:13 AM
I haven't heard of any of those wines. :P Wine hunting time. I'm sure Oz has some imports.

ielena - It's okay. :) I know alcohol and lingerie are no guarantee, but my brazenness will be fun all the same no matter what the result. I will admit that part of me wants to get to the day where I actually tell him no, but to lose the weight I need to work through my negative emotions - so hopefully it won't come to that.

At this point - and feel free to laugh at me - I'm most excited about the corset, stockings, etc arriving in the mail next week! :D

elisaannh
11-25-2010, 06:35 AM
removed by me for personal reasons.

cincimini
11-25-2010, 07:02 AM
More wine suggestions:
Menage a Trois - though he might take that as an invitation, so be sure you're okay with it :D.

French Maid Cabernet - You can always dress up as one, too

Les Amoureux - romantic French red

If that all fails, try one of these:
The Ball Buster
Lazy Lizard
Fat ******* - The forum is editing me...haha. But the word rhymes with 'custard' :lol:

My all time favorite though:
Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush :lol:

Sadly, I've actually had all of these before. They really aren't terrible. Fat ******* gets very good reviews usually ;).

moon safari
11-25-2010, 02:53 PM
Maybe this makes me the wet blanket but I don't think you should need to get someone drunk in order for them to have sex with you. A relationship without sexual attraction is a friendship. Do you really want to live with the diminished self esteem of being with someone who doesn't find you attractive? You may love each other but love an attraction are not always one in the same. If you can live with the disappointment and having to get him drunk to touch you then you're a better person than I.

You shouldn't have to settle, no matter what your size or your age. Fundamentally, you're the same person as you were when you were thinner. You say you've had problems with SADD so obviously he's seen you through dark times where you were depressed, unsure of yourself, unhappy. I don't think your personality radically changes when you lose or gain weight so it's a mistake to say it's your fault because you're less self-confident. If a matter of a few pounds, inches, or sizes is that much to make him not want to express his love for you physically then there's a much deeper issue there...

TornadoSiren
11-25-2010, 05:07 PM
I rather look at this while thing as differences in degree. I like to think that we marry whole packages, not just bits and pieces of people. You either grow together naturally, you work to make sure that you grow together, or you grow apart. I did not marry just my husband's body. And he did not just marry my body, he married all of me. If one part of the package changes dramatically, you may or may not continue to love that part. And it may or may not ruin the rest of the package for you. Does that make sense?
I think it is a bit unfair, in most cases, to assume that gray hair and extreme weight gain fall into the same category. One cannot do anything about gray hair, sagging breasts, wrinkles, and the like. But we can do something about the weight. Getting old is inevitable, getting big is not. One has to look at the entire relationship to really be able to tell if its a case of a selfish man who will always demand more and more, and a case of a man who seriously finds himself uncomfortable and unhappy with the fact that his lady is no longer the lady he married.
It hurts to see those we love engaging in self destructive behavior, and for some it can be hard to find that sexual desire behind those thoughts. Each relationship is different, and we have to be careful in assuming that we can know the truth in any situation. It sounds to me as if the OP's man is one of the second category, and not the first, but only she can decide for sure which it is. Good luck girlie!!

ielena
11-25-2010, 05:47 PM
A relationship without sexual attraction is a friendship. Do you really want to live with the diminished self esteem of being with someone who doesn't find you attractive? You may love each other but love an attraction are not always one in the same.


Thatīs true, thatīs so true. But is also true that sexually every relationship (and more if itīs marriage) has its ups an downs. Sexual attraction is not always there, thatīs sad but is the reality. I would like to feel what is like to be sexually desire the whole time but for that I guess I need to get like 3 husbands :lol:

JMSilver
11-25-2010, 06:48 PM
I have to admit that this is an even more complicated thing than I originally thought. There are so many factors above and beyond me being - technically - morbidly obese. (I'll have a BMI BS rant somewhere else.) There are so many things, including how I was beginning to look and feel heaps more confident forty pounds less, how he has gained some weight and isn't as confident as he used to be (despite working on losing it and doing well) amongst other stresses and things to be addressed.

The wine and getting a bit tipsy isn't so much about the sex as it is about the fun. We're both quite sensitive about our bodies right now even though we're both working to get back to where we want to be. The spark is there - just a little hidden at the moment under other anxieties.

If nothing else this thread has helped me to see that, while I thought it was, it isn't just about me. There are a lot of stresses in our lives, and heaping my obesity being unattractive on top of the stress pile just isn't good. I'm still a bit upset and saddened, but I'm also seeing that I need to loosen up.

Just as a bit of fun, I put on some lingerie that he'd never seen before. Too small, but I could still have a giggle. I walked past him and he perked up a bit. It wasn't meant for anything more, but I think my confidence, the fact that I was being a bit brazen despite this particular lingerie being too small and the fact that sex wasn't expected made it a fun 'teaser' of sorts. I think I needed that 'lingering gaze' - even if it was surprise more than sexual - to make me feel on the right track.

Again, thank you all for your replies. Just knowing that people understand has been so dramatic for my moods lately. I have been feeling so isolated that I forgot there are places like this around. Just knowing people understand goes a long way in my book.

lazylioness
11-26-2010, 09:24 AM
very happy to hear that you are feeling better. A lot of times I forget that other people are going through or have gone through the very same things as me. We are not islands of our own.

I am quite sure that once you guys work things out with yourselves, things will work out with each other :)
Boys are funny, we think that they are all strong and secure, but really...under it all they can be just as sensitive and insecure about themselves as we are about ourselves.

Glad that the sparks are still there. Just tend them a little bit and they will stay alive

dragonwoman64
11-26-2010, 12:07 PM
That being said, I still get depressed about it. How could I not?

well, yeah. how does anyone feel sexy and like having sex after a partner has "confessed" something like that. no matter how much weight ends up being lost, there's still that lingering feeling of "if I gain, he won't be attracted to me" and I'd always feel something of a sense of betrayal. I definitely don't think it was "ok" for him to "fess" up to that.

support and encouragement from a partner goes a lot farther, imho.

roobear
11-26-2010, 04:24 PM
This is a bit hard for me to type, but I am so in need of some advice or just understanding...

I have a wonderful, loving relationship except in one aspect - my weight. I lost about forty pounds last year and it was great. 'Ahem' was happening more than ever! But then I started having gallstone attacks (this is what happens when you lose too rapidly) and had my gallbladder removed by emergency surgery Jan. 2010.

Recovery from surgery, a really rough time with depression, moving house (after living with the stress of living next to criminals), a long winter (I have SADD) and being ill all added up to me gaining all the weight back. Down to the exact pound where I started losing last year.

I'm back on track and losing again, but having had me at 220, having me back around 260 (currently) means... Well... "Ahem" just isn't happening. There have been excuses, but I finally got straight to the point and he admitted that while he loves the me he sees inside, the outside just... isn't appealing.

Now, I think I have been handling that news well. I sort of saw it coming - even though that didn't seem to soften the blow any - so I knew I had to get back on track. And I am. But in the interim... I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions about that 'news' in check as well as feeling upset about the lack of the intimacy that comes with 'ahem'.

So what I'm getting around to is: Has anyone had their weight influence their relationship? What do you do? How do you cope? How do you even deal with the emotional burden of having heard that from your partner?

Like I said, I think I'm dealing rather well with it, but in the back of my mind there is that niggle, that little voice reminding me...

Help?

I had similar problem but opposite, i have been suffering from depression therefore comfort eating and gaining weight. My boyfriend is also obese. But my depression has been putting me off what i assume you are referring to as 'ahem', so he gets convinced that i'm not interested in him. I try so hard to do things to show him that i am interested and i love him to pieces but it is so hard when i am not in the mood.

Looks are such a big thing these days, which it shoudn't be. I know its hard, but don't take what he said to heart and don't go mad on weightloss for him. Do it for you and do it at a healthy pace. Once he sees how well your doing and how hot you look he'll want you again and you can be the one saying no.

On the other hand, I hate to say it if its gonna become a strain on the relationship it might better if you weren't together. As far as i'm concerned no one who loves you would say that.

JMSilver
11-26-2010, 06:02 PM
If he weren't upset about his weight gain at the same time - as in if the whole weight gain thing only applied to me - then this would be a serious, serious issue. But given that he's lacking his usual confidence in himself, I think that makes it a little more okay - in my own way.

I should say for clarity that I more or less forced him to confess to it. I'm pretty much like a highly trained sniffer dog when it comes to things being off. I can often sense things straight away with him. I didn't literally corner him, but I pretty much figuratively did. He could only really say yes or no, and he doesn't lie.

So, in a way, I got what I asked for: an honest answer.

Everyone who has talked about having this problem but the opposite has been a real eye-opener for me, too. He's had depression off and on during the past, so while I cornered him in this one issue, his moods are likely influencing his libido as well.

I get so stuck into what's happening just with me that this sort of info comes as a 'duh' kind of smack on the head.

As lazylioness says, "Boys are funny, we think that they are all strong and secure, but really...under it all they can be just as sensitive and insecure about themselves as we are about ourselves."

You'd think I would have figured that one out by now...

Latchkey Princess
11-27-2010, 10:49 PM
Just a quick response to part of the original post, I think it would be normal to feel depressed and sad about something like that. It was essentially a rejection of you. I mean, sure, you asked him to be honest, but sometimes the truth hurts like ****. And no matter how you look at it, he rejected/is rejecting you on that one level because of your weight. I'm sure he cares for you and is just worried about you, but... ouch. Ya know? I hope you start feeling happier and that your *ahem* life picks up soon. :-)

lazylioness
11-28-2010, 10:33 AM
If he weren't upset about his weight gain at the same time - as in if the whole weight gain thing only applied to me - then this would be a serious, serious issue. But given that he's lacking his usual confidence in himself, I think that makes it a little more okay - in my own way.

I should say for clarity that I more or less forced him to confess to it. I'm pretty much like a highly trained sniffer dog when it comes to things being off. I can often sense things straight away with him. I didn't literally corner him, but I pretty much figuratively did. He could only really say yes or no, and he doesn't lie.

So, in a way, I got what I asked for: an honest answer.

Everyone who has talked about having this problem but the opposite has been a real eye-opener for me, too. He's had depression off and on during the past, so while I cornered him in this one issue, his moods are likely influencing his libido as well.

I get so stuck into what's happening just with me that this sort of info comes as a 'duh' kind of smack on the head.

As lazylioness says, "Boys are funny, we think that they are all strong and secure, but really...under it all they can be just as sensitive and insecure about themselves as we are about ourselves."

You'd think I would have figured that one out by now...

Yeah I would have assumed that I would have it figured out before too. After all I am old and have been married before. LOL.

But I did not REALLY figure it out until my fiancee started wearing T-shirts. Now let me explain, he is NOT a T-shirt kinda guy. His version of the T is a Luau shirt. You know those obnoxious hawaiian print things. Well they used to make me laugh. But then he explained the T-shirt thing, and in his mind they are cheap and tacky. A Luau shirt is just as comfortable and twice as nice. So, when he started wearing T's just because (not because we were on vacation at the river or he was working on the car) I started to get a bit concerned. So I watched him get dressed one day. And I watched him go through the SAME EXACT thing I do in the closet when nothing fits right. Then it dawned on me....he feels the same when he gains a few pounds as I do.

So, now that you know your BF is depressed about his own weight gain, why not start up a eating pattern, work out schedule etc to do it together. OH and also, vigorous "Ahem" is a GREAT calorie burner ;)

dragonwoman64
11-28-2010, 04:22 PM
I should say for clarity that I more or less forced him to confess to it. I'm pretty much like a highly trained sniffer dog when it comes to things being off. I can often sense things straight away with him. I didn't literally corner him, but I pretty much figuratively did. He could only really say yes or no, and he doesn't lie.

So, in a way, I got what I asked for: an honest answer.

I kind of figured that might have been the case, only because it totally sounds like sometime I might do, doh!

don't beat yourself up over it being an "honest" answer (another thing I would do). what may seem "honest" now, may change as his mental, emotional, and physical states change. And as you change -- and I don't necessarily mean weight wise at all -- though you may choose to make that part of your change.

consider his answer as reflective of the circumstances. a wise person told me once not to ask q's I really don't want the answers to, which unfortunately is something I was told post having done so(!)

JMSilver
11-28-2010, 06:05 PM
Woo! I managed to get him to go to the chiro so we can start working out together. :) I have a rotated tailbone, which makes 90% of exercise too painful if I'm not keeping up with adjustments and he has a bad back. We have back to back appointments this Wednesday, so we'll be exercising together after that. :)

I'm beating myself up much less about this whole thing since getting shot with a clue gun about how he is feeling about his weight gain. The focus is finally shifting back on me getting healthy for me.