I am on the verge of a breakdown or breakthrough. The way it feels right now, it's going to be a breakdown.
I am totally worried about our finances and money, first and foremost. My husband has a horrible habit of purchasing things without thinking them through first. We have a motorcycle that he bought on a whim that he can't drive. He purchased it from a place that I swear was about as back-alley as it gets. I could've whalloped him for buying one there alone. The cycle has been sitting under a tarp for the past... um... I think 3 years? Maybe longer. He refuses to let me take it in to be worked on, he hasn't gotten licensed for it and won't let me do it. Not that I have an inclination to... After his truck was totaled in an accident, instead of buying a truck for the same amount that his old one was worth (it was almost new) he bought one that was way more expensive. We went from paying off all of our debt to being further back into it than we were. He buys whatever he wants because it's "his" money, and when we had money in savings, he spent it because of that reason. He bought a $350 gun and a bunch of accessories with money we were going to use for Christmas, saying he'd be able to put it all back soon, but he didn't. We're almost in the red every month and we SHOULDN'T be. There's no reason for it. I have become terrified to spend money, especially since he's set to lose his job in 10 months. He has some physical health problems that would get better if he was in better shape, and has depression. A lot of his depression stems from his self-image. He takes no initiative to change it though. He buys fast food and orders in several times a week. He doesn't work out, and when he does, he'll break a sweat then stop and lay down on the mats. I told him I'm worried about him and our family, but he tells me not to worry about it, to let HIM worry about it. He'll say, let's just not think about it now. But... I'm SCARED. He won't let me get a part time job for *some* extra money, even though we're so short at the end of the month that sometimes I wonder how the **** we're going to pay bills. And that's WITH an $80,000 a year job. What's going to happen when he loses that?!
I can't sleep. I'm having trouble eating. I actually caught myself browsing for wine just to have something to take the edge off. I refuse to drink if I'm stressed because of a fear of alcoholism, but a part of me wants to scream SCREW IT and get wasted and sit on my *** all day like my husband does. But then what happens to my family? I am totally overwhelmed. I feel like I'm inside a crumbling castle, and I'm trying to dodge all the stones falling while trying to keep the damn thing from falling apart.
11-22-2010, 05:42 PM
It sounds like what my husband and I went through- and the biggest thing was I was in charge of finances and my husband always thought we had more than we did.
The only solution for me was to sit him down, show exactly what our income was, what our debts were, and how much we had each month to spend AFTER we paid our bills. He was actually shocked that our bills covered 75% of our income and that's NOT counting food!
So while between the two of us we make GREAT money- it wasn't showing cuz he'd buy many things on a whim- course not a motorcylce- but things like he'd drop $600 on a keyboard and then let it sit around and turn around and sell it for $200 and act like what was my problem?!
We actually went to counseling because I was ready to walk. I told him how his spending made me feel and with the counselor's help he was able to see that I wasn't just being a stick in the mud- that we really DID NOT have the money he thought we did and I wasn't just SAYING we were broke. I partially blame myself for taking charge of all our money but after our talk, after our budgeting, and after each week of adding what we have spent and putting it on a spreadsheet, he really has no excuse and he knows that now. We made a budget that included each month him having money to buy whatever he wants and myself as well, if we go over that number it is subtracted from the next month.
Now he's working hard to stay on budget, and sure he's not perfect (oh man the first month he spent double his budget and was really amazed at how little he had to work with). But each month he gets better and he's also started thinking along the lines of "if I want this I have to save for it." I'm very proud of him.
You really have to sit him down and possibly seek professional help if he refuses to listen. Make him realize how this is affecting your marriage- I'm sure you won't stick around forever if he refuses to change. If he loves you, he'll listen, he's a husband now, he's not single, and his decisions not only affect him, but you and the rest of your family.
11-22-2010, 09:47 PM
You're a military wife, right? Have you heard of military onesource?
11-23-2010, 12:46 AM
:hug: I'm sorry you are going through a trying time with the hubby. It worries me that he wants to be the only one worrying about the financial situation you all are in and how he wants to turn a blind eye.
I know that when I am depressed I pay absolutely no mind to my money. I eat out like there is no tomorrow. I feel like I have no self worth so I think, "Why should I bother? Why bother managing my money? Why bother with eating healthy?" The next thing I know I don't have any money, I'm sick from eating so much junk, and I still feel empty.
Maybe his depression is a bit worse then thought...? Is he on anti-depressants? If not, maybe that would help. Or as beerab mentioned, seeking the help of a counselor.
I really hope everything starts looking up for you dear.
Pint Sized Terror
11-23-2010, 01:42 AM
It's gotten worse. I'm pretty numb right now. He got drunk. We started arguing, not really "fighting" but having a heated discussion, and he said I'm not a good mother. He said I can't handle the kids and house. He said there's something wrong with me and that I haven't grown and "adapted" throughout our marriage. He told me he knows I don't want to be a wife and mother. This is based on me telling him repeatedly that I need help with the house and kids. He told me I'm more like my family than I care to admit. Everything he said has left me with a fuzzy, hazy feeling. I want to cry but can't. The tears kinda bubble up but don't come out. I'm angry but can't do anything except sit here. I feel numbed, or sedated, but inside I'm... I don't know. I told him I want to separate. He said fine. That he'd start finding me a place tomorrow, and that he'd even find me men to date. I just don't understand. I try to be a good wife, I really do, but I can't just sit here and be a doormat for him to wipe his dirty feet on. The last thing I want is to lose my family. I do love being a stay at home mom, but I can't do everything 100%. I get burned out and need someone to lean on, but I don't have anyone and I'm expected to suck it up and carry on. Clean up his mess. Don't comment on his stuff lying around. Make his dinner. Keep food in the house. Keep the kids happy. Keep the house picked up. Don't comment on his drinking. Or spending. Part of me wishes I was just a robot who can do all of these things without feeling restless and frustrated. Then a smaller part of me rises to the top and says "This is not right!" and wants me to fight to be happier. This is the part of me that gets me into trouble. And how awful is it that I consider fighting for my own happiness trouble? What the **** have I become?
11-23-2010, 05:41 AM
I really feel for you :hug:.
It sounds like your husband has so many problems with himself that he's looking to make you feel bad about yourself too. Please don't buy into it. This is not about you and what you do. It's about him having no self-esteem. Depression definitely doesn't help in that situation.
As others have suggested, are there any resources you can utilize in the way of counseling? Even if he refuses to go, there might be many things you can figure out for yourself. Is there an AL ANON meeting nearby? Even if your husband isn't an alcoholic, he might have a lot of alcoholic behaviors and AL ANON helps you deal with that. Does the Army provide counseling? Are you in a church that could offer help?
I'm not one to give relationship advise, but when you say "I can't just sit here and be a doormat for him to wipe his dirty feet on", I think you hit the nail on the head. You deserve so much better - and so do your kids!!!!
I hope you find a way to work this out. I'm rooting for you! :hug:
11-23-2010, 10:49 AM
Pint, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if you've heard of Military OneSource, but they have a lot of resources for service members and their families. It seems like you've been giving your husband a lot of love and support- I'd like to gently suggest that you deserve support, too.
Military OneSource can help you find a counselor in your area and will help you arrange up to 12 free counseling sessions. In the San Antonio area, the folks I've seen use the service usually have their first appointment within days, and the the provider is someone off base- most people like that. You and your husband are eligible for the counseling.
www dot militaryonesource dot com or 1-800-342-9647 to speak to a consultant.
11-23-2010, 10:55 AM
Oh, Pint, I'm so sorry. :hug: You are right. You are worth so much more than being a doormat. I'm a stay at home mom and I lean heavily on my hubby when it comes to the children, because we BOTH are parents. We made them together, we raise them together. It's a partnership. Your husband isn't acting like a partner in a team, he's acting like he's single. He wants to do whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants and not be accountable to anyone. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You shouldn't have to fight for your happiness.
Do you have a good support system in place? Friends? Family? I'm praying for you, Pint, and I'm here for you. Hang in there, Sweetie. :hug:
11-23-2010, 02:19 PM
Hang in there. I agree completely with shellsbrood - you deserve so much better. He is not acting like an adult man at all.
Pint Sized Terror
11-23-2010, 07:57 PM
A mutual friend of ours has taken hubby aside. He's dealt with depression and alcohol issues, as well as similar circumstances in his own marriage. I'm skeptical because my husband has been sitting around the house all day today drunk. He didn't even go to our son's first screening at the psychiatrist. My husband is ok with getting separated, at least from what he says. Then again, he's been drinking today again, so who knows.
They're making me fill out a questionnaire about my son to see if he has ADHD or Asperger's. His teacher has to fill one out too. I'm relieved that they aren't medication pushers. The clinic actually offers holistic stress and anxiety relief right there. I might just take advantage of that. It's basically a specialized accupressure massage, 60 minutes for $60.
Thanks for the OneSource info. I'll definitely be calling them for my own anxiety issues, and hopefully hubby will get some help too. He told me
Pint Sized Terror
11-23-2010, 10:37 PM
He says he's finished. He wants a divorce. He said he'd rather cut me a check twice a month than be married to me. I'm trying not to take it personally, and I'm trying not to blame myself. It's hard.
11-23-2010, 11:20 PM
It's tough. Some things are not always meant to be, no matter how bad we think we want them.
The following may sound a bit unfeeling, but it's well meant.
If divorce is what it's going to be, get some paper and a pen and start making lists, and get organized to take care of yourself and the kids.
Get a lawyer ASAP! Don't mess around waffling back and forth and prolonging the misery.
I have a sis who has been divorced twice, and raised 3 great kids on her own. She now has a college education a great job, 2 granddaughters, and a dog, the love of her life.:D and is happier than ever!
11-23-2010, 11:36 PM
:hug: better days are ahead, hang in there :hug:
11-23-2010, 11:40 PM
i'm with shcirerf. he's put you through a lot. protect yourself and your kiddos, and let the chips fall where they may. i'm sure you love him very much, but this might be the kick in the a** that he needs to fix his life for real. you're in my thoughts sweetie.
11-24-2010, 12:20 AM
Pint--What a horrible thing to say!!! Ugh, I just want to slap him!! :mad: I read your post to my dh and he had some very unpolite things to say about your husband.
I'm so, so sorry, Pint. :( Hang in there. You are strong and you will get through this. :hug:
Pint Sized Terror
11-24-2010, 12:27 AM
I don't know what to feel. I told him if he didn't stop drinking that we would separate, but to have him actually make that leap just tears me apart. I did nag him about things I didn't like, but they were generally things that we both decided weren't supposed to be going on (like drinking).
He keeps saying he's doing me a favor. That he's a failure and he can't look me in the face knowing he will never have a successful relationship with me. He canceled his plans with his sister because he didn't want to be around me. I stood by him no matter what. I loved him even when he hurt me. He said horrible things to me. Physically hurt me. Totally ravaged me and I forgave him when he asked it.
Now he's just done with me. He says HE is the one who can't live with ME. Am i really that awful? Is this really because i didn't want him drinking, or because I couldn't keep house without help or because I wanted college and a career someday? I feel AWFUL. I'm just torn up. I wish he would just leave and get it over with.
11-24-2010, 12:38 AM
If he's saying HE is a failure - then this doesn't have any more to do with YOU and YOUR supposed problems, as it OBVIOUSLY does about HIS OWN issues with HIMSELF.
This is absolutely NOT a YOU issue. But this absolutely is an individual issue, a couple issue, and a family issue. Get immediate counseling to deal with your stress, and your anxiety. See if you can get him to go - if he can't, that's on him. I'd also REALLY recommend getting your children in to counseling as well. Children are so, so smart, and anxiety issues can run sky high in ADHD/Asperger children - get a third party person THEY can talk to about what they observe while you and your hubs make decisions about your future.
I don't think divorce is the only option for you, but I do think that you're an amazing person, with an amazing family, and that your collective and individual health needs to be the TOP priority.
11-24-2010, 01:33 AM
This is a BAD recipe dear. It sounds like you have been in a very abusive (on many levels) relationship. YOU are worth so much more than this. If he has reached this level, chances are you will never be able to have a stable loving relationship in the future. His not wanting you to work is all about control. Whomever controls the money, controls the realtionship. Is there a woman's shelter near you? Family you could stay with perhaps? This sounds very dangerous to me. Please take some offensive actions here before you need to take defensive ones. I am not sure about your state, but here in Texas, this is a community property state, each gets 50-50 right down the middle. Please be safe.
Pint Sized Terror
11-24-2010, 01:35 AM
I think a lot of the things he's saying to me, he's actually saying to himself, if that makes any sense.
He says I never wanted to be a mother, but he's always telling me he just can't handle the kids. That they're too loud, too "into things" and he just can't take them.
He says I'm a bad wife, but he has also said I'm a great wife and his best friend. He has also said he's a ****ty husband. :/
He said I'm crazy, and I think he's just worried that he is.
Either way, I don't deserve this. It's hard, and I know I'm spending the first of many nights crying over this, but it'll get better. I'm hoping to move back home eventually, but for now I'm hoping to keep my son in his current school. I'll flip burgers or empty garbage if I have to.
I'm calling the military onesource tomorrow to see about counseling for myself and the kids.
edit: I have friends AND family to stay with if needed. I've contacted a trusted friend and a family member about the situation and they've offered help/a place to stay if needed.
11-24-2010, 02:02 AM
:hug: Ok I feel "a little" better knowing you do have somelpace to go :)
I have been in a situation very similar to yours , so I am concerned out of experience. Keep us updated :)
11-24-2010, 02:12 AM
Is he a PTSD candidate?
11-24-2010, 02:15 AM
You and your family deserve to be happy, healthy and safe. I hope whatever needs to happen will be done. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
If you do decide to split up, make sure you stay strong if he comes crawling back begging.
Pint Sized Terror
11-24-2010, 03:17 AM
I'm still awake at 2am. He woke up, locked up his truck then came in and asked what I was doing (listening to music). He came over and rubbed his hand on my shoulder and said he was going back to bed. WTF is he thinking?
Oh well. I'm going to bed in MY bed (he's sleeping in a spare). I have a lot to do tomorrow.
11-24-2010, 06:37 AM
Oh man, you really deserve one of those: :hug:. I've been thinking about you last night and I'm glad to hear you are putting yourself first. Please do what is best for YOU and your children. From everything you wrote, your husband isn't that.
This is going to be a difficult time, no reason to lie about that. He'll beg you to come back. He'll tell you that he's gotten better. He may even seem like he's got things under control. Or he may not do any of those things and act like he's glad to have gotten rid of you (which I'm sure he won't be). Whatever he throws at you, don't stop being honest with yourself. Don't stop thinking about your needs or what's best for you children.
Most importantly, get help. You don't have to do this alone. It's great to hear that you have family and friends to support you, but professional counseling is invaluable - both for you and your kids.
Please be safe.
11-24-2010, 05:24 PM
Hope you're doing okay today, PST.
11-24-2010, 09:52 PM
Yo! Pint! Check in! You ok?
11-25-2010, 01:21 AM
I have been wondering about you all day. I hope all is well :/ I am very concerned about you and your kids. I hope you post soon and let us all know you are ok :)
Pint Sized Terror
11-26-2010, 02:28 PM
I spent Thanksgiving at my SIL and BIL's house with the kiddos. Hubby opted not to come, saying he'd rather not be around me.
I finally told my FIL and MIL what was going on. They're going to go to the unemployment office for me Monday and see what's available in a town I've chosen near my hometown. They said rentals are cheap right now, so that's a relief.
My husband said he doesn't want a separation now. He wants counseling. I would rather separate. When I said that he said I'm being hasty and that comments like that is why HE wants to leave ME. *shrug* I told him he can leave if he wants. It hurts and a very large part of me doesn't want to end things, but I know I can't live my life based on whether or not he's going to be in a bad mood or good. I'm tired of having to pick up his pieces and keep him happy out of fear of one of his "moods." I'm trying to listen to my head instead of my emotions right now. I'm going to seek counseling very soon. The guilt and stress is depressing me and I'm having physical signs that my body is too stressed out. Every time I eat, I end up in the bathroom in an hour. :o
I've chosen a place with good schools and affordable daycare (my MIL used to work at the one I'm checking in to) and it's a 10 - 20 minute drive to my family and his. It's a small town that I've always liked since I was a kid.
I'm staying at this house through the holidays and plan on moving in January once I've had time to tie up some loose ends here. Hopefully the New Year will bring new, better beginnings.
11-26-2010, 05:03 PM
Whew! Glad to hear from you.
I think a separation right now is a better option, give you both some time to decompress.
Sounds like your body is talking to you! Listen.:hug:
This is almost the exact same mess my sister had with her second husband. Once she left things got much, much better. She was so stressed out she couldn't even think straight.
11-26-2010, 05:05 PM
I'm SO GLAD that you & kiddos are ok :)
I think you are making the right decision. You can still get marriage couseling and the like, and perhaps you two can still work things out, but I think your being SAFE is the most important thing here. He seems to be showing a lot of the classic signs of an abuser and I was very worried for you & your kids. I do hope that you will find some true happiness and listening to your head instead of your heart in this type of situation is the best. I am happy that you have some family support here too, because so many women in your situation become alienated from friends and family. I am breathing a sigh of relief for you :)
11-26-2010, 09:32 PM
Praying for you to have strength and guidance right now!
11-27-2010, 09:23 AM
I'm SO GLAD that you & kiddos are ok :)
I think you are making the right decision. You can still get marriage couseling and the like, and perhaps you two can still work things out, but I think your being SAFE is the most important thing here. He seems to be showing a lot of the classic signs of an abuser and I was very worried for you & your kids. I do you hope that you will find some true happiness and listening to your head instead of your heart in this type of situation is the best. I am happy that you have some family support here too, because so many women in your situation become alienated from friends and family. I am breathing a sigh of relief for you :)
Ditto to every word.
So glad to hear you're taking this step. You'll be better of in the long run :hug:.
11-27-2010, 09:44 PM
I say take this as a gift. ;) I know that sounds weird. I know it doesn't feel like that now. But it's very likely this will only happen again. It sounds like you have a plan to get out and it sounds like a good, solid one.
I'm living through you. ;) Depression SUCKS!! I want out, but my husband is NOT cruel. Yours is. The things he has said to you are just awful and drinking all day is no way to solve a problem. He is being verbally abusive turning everything he thinks about himself back onto you. He's making you second guess yourself. I feel like he's trying to mold you into a 1950's wife and that isn't you. That's ok! We aren't all meant to be out of that era!
You're a wonderful, strong woman. Please do what is best for you. What is best for you will be what is best for you children. :hug:
11-29-2010, 07:30 PM
Just to add my thoughts and best wishes to you.
I've been there and suffered all the degradation just like you have had. You are doing the right thing getting out especially as the children deserve to have a peaceful and as happy as possible environment to grow in.
My children have all suffered various ill effects from having to put up with very stressful situations but in my day there were not the help and guidance that exist today.
Keep strong and determined.