Weight Loss Support - Trying to Stay Positive in the Face of Criticism




hirakukibou
11-15-2010, 06:42 PM
So, I have dealt with the ups and downs of my weight my entire life. No news there. I am now trying to lose about 20 pounds. The good news is that I am not nearly as overweight as I was once at 225. The good news is that I became a middle-aged athlete about five years ago when I got into cycling, at the same time I met my current partner. The bad news is that he criticizes my weight which tends to make me feel bad about myself and just want to emotionally eat. This is especially true when he gets into a funk himself (like right now). I am trying to stay positive and make positive changes in my life and relationship with food. Yet, it is hard in the face of his ridicule and criticism.

How supportive are other's partners/spouses? What do you do when he or she is not supportive or is critical?


beerab
11-15-2010, 07:12 PM
If my partner were critisizing me for my weight AT your weight I'd probably deal with it by smacking them upside the head.

In all seriousness I would speak to him at a neutral time and tell him when he speaks to you this way it really upsets you and ask him to stop, there is no excuse for him to speak to you that way, if he's having a bad day he can just vent TO you, not at you.

TooManyDimples
11-15-2010, 07:36 PM
My husband has never criticized my weight. Even when I was at my highest. Yes he knew and still knows I need to lose weight, but he's never said anything that would make me feel bad. He's very supportive.

I would be pretty upset if he did criticize me, and unlike you I might actually deserve it. I'd have a serious talk with him about cutting it out or it would develop into a big problem.

Hope he cuts it out for your sake and the sake of your relationship.


fatmad
11-15-2010, 07:55 PM
prepare yourself, this question has been posed before, and usually brings a truckload of responses.
Is your guy often insensitive about other things? while I would love to be your current weight, I understand why you want to get to a healthier weight and want to watch what you eat. So being critical is so unhelpful. What is your response when he says these things? Are you also critical of yourself? Do you agree? or do you say that his words are not appropriate.
Overall, no one can get away with putting you down unless you let them.
If this is a relationship worth keeping it may be necessary for both of you to change a bit.
What may seem like a small question is about to go viral......

Kaonashi
11-15-2010, 08:24 PM
There's "constructive criticism" and then there's "criticizing." Is he saying things in response to comments that you are making about yourself? Or are these comments coming out of the blue, or when he is upset with himself and wants to take it out on you? In my opinion there's a world of difference between:

"You say you're unhappy and want to lose 20 more pounds. Why on earth are you eating THAT and sabotaging yourself?"

and

"Gurl, you would be PERFECT if you lost those 20 pounds. You're still too big."

Eliana
11-15-2010, 08:39 PM
Guys are weird about weight loss. My husband would NEVER have said anything but positive statements about my high weight, but somehow losing it made me fair game for critical comments on the way down. :dizzy: I know it wasn't purposeful but it was mean. We had a heart to heart...actually I demanded he quit. LOL! He has a hard a time with change in general and I made a pretty big change.

hirakukibou
11-15-2010, 08:44 PM
Actually his comments are unprovoked by me. He will say, "You are getting chubby." To his face, I say, "You don't know from chubby." Or give him a look -- to which he says, well you have gained a few pounds. Or if I really give him a look, he might try saying that I am beautiful -- which although is welcome it comes on the heels of basically saying I am not so beautiful to him. He tends to be critical of everything -- himself included. However, this doesn't give him license to berate me. I know this. On the other hand, I do feel this is an area where I am rather sensitive. I was a size 22 before. Now, even with the "extra" weight I am a size 6. I know the bottom line is he needs to respect my feelings -- but it is hard to stand up to him (especially with my own lurking self-doubt).

krampus
11-15-2010, 09:12 PM
What is he insecure about? Point that out in an insensitive way. And then kick him in the nuts. How serious are you guys, anyway? Sounds like he's got so many issues it's hindering your relationship.

Robin41
11-15-2010, 09:19 PM
I'd kick him to the curb. Seriously. Nobody needs a partner who figures out their sensitive areas and then feels free to make nasty comments about it. It's not something you'd take from a stranger who couldn't care less about you, so why should you take it from a person who is supposed to care more about you than anybody else in the world?

There are lots of good guys out there; why settle for one whose behavior is controlling and borderline emotionally abusive?

Sunshine73
11-15-2010, 09:44 PM
It's not okay for him to be unkind and make cruel remarks about your weight. You deserve someone who will acknowledge your efforts and support you not try to tear you down. If you guys are really serious then I'd sit down with him and have a "come to Jesus" meeting. I'd let him know how you feel when he makes insensitive remarks about your weight. Maybe he's just clueless and doesn't realize how much his words hurt?

Personally, I'm blessed to be married to a man who appreciates the beauty in women of all sizes. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy just the way that I am. He supports my efforts to be healthier and celebrates my accomplishments but understands that it's a daily struggle.

rachael
11-15-2010, 09:51 PM
You say you became an athlete around the time you met him. Did he know you at your biggest?

I think it is crappy that he makes mean comments, no matter what. Have you straight out said that you want him to stop commenting on your weight?

Nola Celeste
11-15-2010, 09:59 PM
If he is going to talk about the overall size of your body, perhaps you should discuss the size of a particular part of his. Or is that hitting below the belt, so to speak? And if he wouldn't like it, why should you appreciate his out-of-the-blue critiques of your appearance?

There are certain things which are decidedly Off Limits for out-of-context criticism in any relationship. Once you get to know a person, you learn where their sensitivities are, where to stick the knife in to do the most damage. A person who regularly delivers jabs to those soft spots--even if they try to portray it as "for your own good"--is being cruel. Robin41's right: someone who likes to poke at bruises is worse than even the most callous of strangers.

There are only a few subsets of people who need to have others make their nutritional choices for them--young children, people with severe cognitive disabilities, people with Prader-Willi Syndrome. Unless he thinks of you as belonging to one of these groups of people, he needs to take his boot off your neck. If he DOES think of you as being in one of those categories, maybe your boot should be applied to him somewhere?

stacygee
11-15-2010, 10:16 PM
WOW- doesn't your profile say you weigh 139? Makes me think your husband is an emotional abuser. Is he constantly making you feel bad in a lot of different areas.

I am sorry for you to have to be around that. You deserve to be around someone who loves and appreciates you and wants you to be healthy but degrading you and making you feel bad is certainly not doing anything positive for you.

brokengently
11-15-2010, 10:53 PM
i agree with stacygee... that's verbal abuse.

what will i do? easier said than done, especially as you sound totally into him, but i'd break up with him and let him rot. sorry :x

Rana
11-15-2010, 11:22 PM
I come from a family of critics. Criticism was a national sport.

I am not the most sensitive person, either, but I was getting sick and tired of it.

So, I told my family that they were criticizing me too (and just criticizing in general). They didn't believe me so I said, let's put your money where your mouth is.

For every criticism they gave me or each other, they had to put a dollar in a jar.

The jar managed to get three dollars in it before they realized that they do criticize a lot. After that, our conversations were more positive.

Instead of kicking him to the curb so quickly, I'd talk to him and tell him that his criticism hurts your feelings and you don't want him to criticize you anymore. If he protests, tell him he has to put a dollar or five or cook every night he criticizes you. Hopefully he'll realize he's criticizing you a lot and stop.

Kaonashi
11-16-2010, 12:36 AM
There are certain things which are decidedly Off Limits for out-of-context criticism in any relationship. Once you get to know a person, you learn where their sensitivities are, where to stick the knife in to do the most damage. A person who regularly delivers jabs to those soft spots--even if they try to portray it as "for your own good"--is being cruel. Robin41's right: someone who likes to poke at bruises is worse than even the most callous of strangers.


I agree with this completely!

I don't even know the OP, but I'd bet good money that within the 5 year time span she's been with this guy the "Hey...I used to weigh XXX" conversation has come up. OP, you have made an amazing accomplishment with your weight loss so far. And you DESERVE to be with someone who will celebrate that with you, not tear you down.

It could be that he thinks his comments are just light-hearted teasing and honestly doesn't realize that his comments hurt, and if that's the case then a conversation with him is in order. But if you find yourself constantly censoring what you tell him in fear that it will be used against you then it's time for you to do some re-evaluating. Life is too short to spend one minute with people who will kill your joy.

shannonmb
11-16-2010, 07:31 AM
If he is going to talk about the overall size of your body, perhaps you should discuss the size of a particular part of his. Or is that hitting below the belt, so to speak? And if he wouldn't like it, why should you appreciate his out-of-the-blue critiques of your appearance?

This is so true! I think for a LOT of men, criticizing (sp) and/or making unkind remarks about the size of 'him' would pretty much be a relationship killer. I mean, every time he was going to 'show it', he'd start to feel like, "Oh no, it's inadequate, I'm embarrassed, I'm mad at her for saying it, etc, etc, etc". Well guess what, buddy, most women who've struggled with weight feel the same way about their bodies!

Maybe try explaining it that way? He probably feels like he's just telling you about a simple matter of a few pesky pounds, but he might realize it's hurting you more if you equate it to how he'd feel if he was missing a few pesky inches. AND you felt the need to be mean about it! :mad: