General chatter - Household tasks and spouses 50-50 or something else?

Pint Sized Terror
11-09-2010, 10:30 AM
Long story short, my husband hurt my feelings. :p For the past few weeks he's been making comments about how all the housework, most of the kid-work, laundry etc... is *my* job. He's been commenting because I've been asking for help with all of it. I'm overwhelmed. Neither kid will clean up after themselves without a huge battle. While I kind of expect this from my 2 year old, my 5 year old, not so much... My husband barely takes out his own dishes, and has a "nest" beside his chair. His only duties include:

working 5 days a week. He is doing planning and desk work at his job. He can come home any time he wants, and does so several times a day some days because we live literally 5 minutes away.
Taking out the garbage, although he usually leaves some cans full, and doesn't put bags back into the can, so I take garbage out and stuff too most weeks.
Getting the kids dried off after baths. I take my bath as soon as their water drains, and that's "me" time. 90% of the time, if I haven't handed him their pjs before their bath, I will get finished with mine and the kids are still awake and naked, running around while he watches TV.
Cooking dinner sometimes, though he cleans NOTHING up, not even meat wrappers and veggie scraps, they're all left in the sink or on the counters.I have to ask him for help with anything else. ANYTHING else. Can you put one of the kids down while I work with the other? Can you help me fold laundry? (answer to that is generally no) Can you pick your clothes up from the hallway? Can you clean up the stuff you just spilled? The list goes on and on and 9 times out of 10 he won't be "able" to help me. Earlier this week he said a mango had rolled behind the microwave and was bad. I said ew! and went about my day. 2 days later, I started seeing fruit flies and lo and behold... that damn mango was still back there. He pointed it out, but left it for me to clean up.

My house is always a wreck because I'm the only person living here who cleans up.

He says I have no right to complain because cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids etc is my job as a wife and mother. He actually told me that I must not want to be a mother because I'm getting pissed about all the work I'm doing. :mad:

And I know it's easy to say "OMG! What a jerk!" but in his head this alllllllll makes sense. :dizzy: How do you other mothers/fathers/husbands/wives dole out housework?

11-09-2010, 10:40 AM
Hey Pint!

Honestly, my husband does pretty much ZERO household tasks. EVERY once and a while he might load the dishwasher or throw some clothes in the washer. I would say I do about 98% of the housework. Granted, I don't have children, so I'm just cleaning up after us two (and the dog). But weekly I sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom. Of course I cook pretty much daily, maybe a couple times per day (breakfast, dinner), take out the trash, do laundry, dishes, etc. And he goes to work 5 times per week from 8-5.

It sucks your hubby is not willing to help out!!! :o If I asked my husband he'd surely step in but I've kind of spoiled him in the sense that I do everything around the house and I might even get him a glass of water or bowl of popcorn if he asked. :eek: I would just tell him that you're taking care of two children and a home, that's MORE than a full-time job and he needs to do a couple more things to contribute. Maybe a couple things you don't like to do.. ;) Just tell him, you're responsible for X and Y from now on.

11-09-2010, 10:41 AM
I would dole them out with a firm, direct, verbal kick in the a**!!! (I'm still single at 39, so I don't have any advice, but I had to put in my 2 cents.)

Pint Sized Terror
11-09-2010, 11:06 AM
I have no problems with getting him something if he asks, like a glass of water. Here's what really started it this morning:

I was up late last night making sure his flight suits were clean because he wasn't feeling well last night, and got some blankets and fell asleep in his recliner watching TV. I didn't feel well this morning and asked if he could get breakfast started for me, he didn't even move, just said, "No I don't have time." So I got moving, made breakfast, got the kids up and moving, packed lunch... at this point he got out of "bed" and got into the bathtub as I struggled getting the kids to finish eating while finishing lunches. I cleaned up breakfast, re-dressed my 2 year old after she decided to take all her clothes off and put them in the dog water... I threw on a pair of jeans and brushed my hair as hubby gets out of the tub after 20 minutes of soaking. He asks where his flight suits are. I tell him and begin the search for my son's shoes, some of which do NOT have dog poop on them. Hubby said he was going to clean them yesterday but didn't. When hubby says I lost one of his patches off his uniform, and asks me to find it I got frustrated. I told him I didn't know where the heck it was and told him it was pretty shady for him to "not have time" to do anything but sleep in and soak in the tub all morning when I asked him for help.

And that's when he broke out the "Well this is your job" comment. :o

11-09-2010, 11:14 AM
I think maid service can be the key to a happy marriage. Can you have someone come in every 2 weeks to do the big stuff - vacuuming, dusting, floor scrubbing, bathrooms?

If you have sons, raise them RIGHT so their wives won't have this many issues!

11-09-2010, 11:31 AM
HAHA. Sorry know that this is not a laughing matter, but I could swear that you were talking about my house!

I just had this conversation this morning with my hubs to be! My kids are 20,19,16,12. The 20 and 19 year olds pretty much keep to themselves (the 20 year old is actually the 19 year olds fiancee who lives with us) They pick up and they are more than helpful with the "younger" two. The younger two however. OMG that is all I can say. Seriously, I have gone on strike and not done anything and they are totally ok with it. Hubs to be, heh he is a bit better. 50% of the time if I ask him to do something, he will. Except of course put away laundry. Which I wash, fold etc. If I am busy working around the house, he will ALWAYS get up and do it, left on his own however..not so much.

I think that this is a constant struggle between hubbys and wives. And for sure with teaching the kids how to do stuff. I do not know how to tell you to deal with it with the kids so young, I never had that issue with my ex-husband. I did daycare and was a stay at home mom, if exhubs had something to say about the house, I just told him if he did not like it, to do it himself.

I have however been known to kind of "pop" off when the kids and hubs get out of line. If any of them said anything about it being "my" job, then they would find out exactly what "my job" entails. And I can guarantee it would NOT be dinner or laundry or anything that night. Sometimes, I think that they need a kick in the butt and a VERY firm reminder of everything that we do.

11-09-2010, 11:35 AM
Wow. You are so much nicer than I am. I don't think my husband would even say those things to me, in fear of his life, LOL.

I don't have kids yet, and this is in part due to I won't get prego until hubby helps out more. I'm not his slave, or his mom. I do not do his laundry, I do not pick up after him. If he leaves a glass on the table, I'll mention it to him the next day when he gets home. That's not my job, if I have to pick up after myself, he does too. He's an adult. He takes out the trash, and its required to unload the dishwasher. If it takes him so long to unload it, and I run out of forks or whatever, I'll be damned, but I will NOT make dinner. Too bad, so sad. This might seem harsh, but we work the same hours, both at fairly similar stressful jobs. I come home and make dinner every night, save Friday and Saturaday. I do all the meal planning, all the shopping trips to the grocery store. I would say I already do 85% of the housework, and it will only get worse when we have kids/adopt, so he needs to get in the habit now of helping out. I can't tell you the last time he dusted, swept, mopped or anything like that. He doesnt even "winterize" the house.. I've been covering windows with plastic for days now! :D

It might be that my mother was gravely ill most of my life, but I've been running the house since I was 7/8. My dad worked and she was sick, and I was an only child. If I didn't do laundry, and she was too sick, my dad (bless his heart) who was working 70+ hours a week to support us and our non-insured selves, he wouldnt have work clothes! I had to do everything. Make dinner, laundry, pay bills... whatever. He helped out, even if he got home at 10pm, he would still help me. And I don't care, but my husband can help out too, since he works 40 hours.

I am mean, lol. :lol:

11-09-2010, 12:02 PM
This is the problem: he thinks he goes to work from 8-5, and after that he is "off work", which means he is entitled to do nothing. He doesn't really believe you are doing things while he is at work because he doesn't see you do them--and you don't really think he works at work, because it doesn't seem real to you (he just sits around).

So when he comes home from work, he thinks his day is done and yours is just starting, but you think your day has been going on for hours and that his should be just starting.

You both need to acknowledge that the other person works all day. Maybe you could both keep a list of all the things you do in a day between 8-5 so that you could both value each others work. This can't be about "gotcha", showing him that you work harder--because I promise, sitting at a desk can also be hard work--but an honest attempt to value each other more.

You might also make a deal with him--that you will work your butt off every day between 8-5--no goofing off, no reading the internet except on scheduled breaks (after all, he has lunch and coffee breaks, too)--but that anything you can't get done in your 40 hour work week has to be split between the two of you.

Pint Sized Terror
11-09-2010, 01:54 PM
Considering he can take 2+ hours for lunch, and there's a keg in the squadron along with TVs and computers (and they definitely facebook and youtube while there) I'm not buying this "working hard til 5 every day." He told me he hates work because there's nothing to do except sit and surf the internet. He's usually a flyer, but due to medical problems, is desk bound with barely anything to do. The next 4 days he actually has a job to do there, so it'll be different, but for the past few months it's been sleep in, soak, go to work, do face time for the boss, get on facebook, laugh at youtube (he texts me and tells me to go look at this video or that...), go outside and have a smoke for 20 min or so, more internet, come home for lunch and TV, another cigarette, more internet, some face time thrown in, come home. I kid. you. not. That's what he told me his days are like. :dizzy: And another issue is he thinks I nap all day because he came home for lunch, and twice in a week, I was laying own with our daughter and didn't get up to converse with him. Pardon me, Mr. Hubby, I had sinus trouble, LOL.
Usually when I'm online I'm having a meal. I input everything to fitday, check in here, glance over facebook and get back to my day when I'm finished. There are times I leave the internet running and hubby sees my online status on facebook and assumes I'm not only sitting there, but avoiding him because I don't answer his IMs. ROTFL

11-09-2010, 01:59 PM
Ok, my take, which may not be the popular view: My hubby goes out everyday to job that he may not necessarily like, so that our family has a home and food.
My job is to take care of the household duties and the kids. I know you're frustrated cause I've been there, done that. But, I see the house/kid stuff as my job.
Now the yard work--that's all his. I refuse to even learn how to use the mower, weedeater, blower, etc.

Good luck :)

11-09-2010, 02:09 PM
If you really feel like he sits around at work all day every day like a lazy bum and then comes home and watches you work while he sits around like a lazy bum, then I'd divorce him, because any person that could do that is just a jerk.

But I suspect the reality is more complicated than that, because it usually is. Remember that he thinks you spend all day on Facebook and taking naps. You may be as wrong as he is. I think the two of you really need to talk more and learn to appreciate each other--don't just compete for the "Crappiest Life" award.

11-09-2010, 02:21 PM
Are you a stay-at-home mom? It's hard when you are because people don't understand what you do all day. Plus you have the fact that you aren't making any money and it seems your hubby could feel like he's done his part by bringning home the paycheck. It's a very old fashioned way of thinking. My dad was like that with my mom. He made the money and Mom took care of the house and kids and spent the money. Dad never did anything around the house.

No matter what happens the 50/50 doesn't work. I had a very good friend once tell me that it should be 100% from both. I don't have kids but I do have a non-assisting hubby. Most of the time he's great, he will help occasionally but it's hit or miss. But sometimes he does have the "your the woman, you clean the house" mentality. It's annoying and I'm not willing to put forth the effort to change him. We both work full time.

He'll clean up after himself pretty much and I've just gotten to the point where I clean up after myself, keep the public areas respectable and let him be. It's not worth the arguements and hurt feelings if I try to change him. But that's just me and how I decided to handle it.

But it's time to train the little ones. Make it a game. Sing the clean up song with them
(then again, I don't have any kids so what do I know?)

Good luck if you go a different route.
Sarah in MD

11-09-2010, 02:22 PM
That wouldn't fly in my house, at all. Back when I was a grad student and interning, DH helped out tons, almost 50/50. Now that I'm a stay at home mom again, he still puts away the laundry, does the dishes and takes out the trash regularly, but not daily. He doesn't do anything like vacuum, mop, or clean the bathrooms etc, but he would if I asked. I just always have it done before he gets a chance. He cooks 50/50. If I cook, he cleans and vice versa....well usually, but he's not perfect on that lol! He always is hands on with the kids and is always involved....

There is no way in **** I'd pick up his crap off of the hallways or put up with the disrespect your dh seems to have shown you. I mean even if my DH and I negotiated that we wanted me to do 100% of the housework, he is still an ADULT, he still the grown man who has children with you and they're just as much of his responsibility as they are yours. I will be honest, if my DH were like that, it would be a deal breaker. I know I would not feel valued, loved and appreciated and would not want to give my life to someone like that. Yes, I feel very passionately about this!!

11-09-2010, 02:38 PM
Uh, yeah, that's my life...and I work full time. My husband "works full time" too. He does get the kids off to school, I'll give him that. But I wake them up, I medicate them, I greet them in bed with deodorant. If I don't, it doesn't get done. I make sure the backpacks are loaded. I pack their lunches. He feeds them and shoots them out the door. After that, he goes back to bed and sleeps until 11:00. Then he works. Then he takes another nap. Then, when I get home and the children get home he goes out to work. It ticks me off. He does NOT have a second shift job. He SHOULD be working while we're at school, but he chooses to work when I get home instead.

He has no household tasks I don't have to special request. I have to ask for everything!! He knows I'm frustrated, but he has depression. That's what I'm stuck with.

I turn to I just started up the system again yesterday, actually. It keeps me sane when I actually follow her advice. My life works best when I shut up and do it myself. And yes, I'm FULL of resentment. I am filled up to the brim with resentment.

Oh, and right now, due to the depression, he's actually off work. So he's literally lounging around the house And does he do anything? Anything?

Put it this way...I'm not a good advocate for marriage right now. ;)

11-09-2010, 03:26 PM
Are you a military wife? You mentioned flight suits & I'm just assuming, lol!! My hubs is in the Navy, and works really hard every day. I've been battling major depression for 4 years..and it's hard for me to find the energy to do housework. I try do little things, like pick up trash, vacuum, & make dinner. Everything else always seems like a much bigger task. All I ask for my hubs is to help out. Take out the garbage, clean the dishes (we usually take turns), clean the litter box, help out with dinner, & clean up after himself. But somehow..pretty much everything, except help with dinner, always leads to huge fights. He lets the garbage pile up, the litter box bag stays full (we have a self cleaner..he just has to change out the bag), the dishes don't get washed when it's his turn, he also has a pile of crap next to his side of the couch. I try my best to keep up with everything...but when he just zones out on video games and doesn't lift a finger, I just get angry and want to cry. I've actually gone as far as hiding every single controller to all 3 game systems, JUST so he'd help me!!

But you know..sometimes I just feel terrible for doing that. He is stressed out all the time..the command here sucks..being on the east coast sucks, we're both unhappy here. We both agree that shore duty here stinks. We both wish he was still on the ship. Things were actually better when he was on the ship. He wasn't as stressed out. He was A LOT more helpful too!! In WA, he helped me clean the moment I asked him. Half the time, he'd even do it before I asked him. We worked together..and I miss that.

When he has no energy, and I have no energy, nothing gets done. Everything piles up, making us feel worse. I've been seriously considering getting a housekeeper to come in once in awhile.

11-09-2010, 03:44 PM
Ugh this is my life, minus the kids and I work outside the home too. He works from home, so he doesn't have to get up, take a shower, etc. He rolls out of bed, takes me to work, and if I'm lucky he'll have bathed by the time I get home from work at 9pm. IF I'M LUCKY.

We used to have a lot of battles about chores. But I gave up. And you know what? When I stopped ragging on him he actually got a bit more helpful. He does all the laundry, deals with the catbox, and takes out the garbage. Everything else is mine. I get off work and cook, clean, etc. On our days off I clean, and occasionally he'll help, most of the time he'll just sit and ignore me or watch me work. Makes me very angry.
Yesterday he stood and watched me balance all the groceries and try to open the door, while he had one bag in his hands, then sat down to eat lunch while I unloaded them all and my lunch got cold. Then laughed at me when I was angry. :( HATE!!!

Flylady helped me a lot because what I learned was - doing all these things is for me, not for him. If I clean up it's because I want to, not because he wants me to. Not because i HAVE to. But by that same thought that's why he DOESN'T do these things, because he doesn't WANT to. I can't relax if the house is a mess, he could care less. My problem not his. It's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is. No solutions really, just support.

I think if you employ the flylady method you could get yourself to a point where you don't want to flay him in his sleep, but you get all the things done you need to AND have time to relax at the end of the day.

11-09-2010, 03:53 PM
Flylady helped me a lot because what I learned was - doing all these things is for me, not for him. If I clean up it's because I want to, not because he wants me to. Not because i HAVE to. But by that same thought that's why he DOESN'T do these things, because he doesn't WANT to. I can't relax if the house is a mess, he could care less. My problem not his. It's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is. No solutions really, just support.

I think if you employ the flylady method you could get yourself to a point where you don't want to flay him in his sleep, but you get all the things done you need to AND have time to relax at the end of the day.

You've found a great outlook. I can manage that outlook for a week or so, but the resent always builds up again. I hate it. And yet, you're right. Yes, he likes a clean home too, but he doesn't ask for it. He certainly doesn't work for it.

11-09-2010, 03:56 PM
oh i have a hard time maintaining the attitude too, but it's something to remind myself when i'm angrily cleaning around him and he's sitting there playing WOW. that and knowing since i prepare the meals he could die at any time I wanted him to. hahaha ;)

Pint Sized Terror
11-09-2010, 04:48 PM
I already realize I'm doing it for me. In fact, that's the ONLY reason I've kept it up this long. That and I don't want my kids wandering around in filth. I hate hate hate messes and he knows that. He knows that all he has to do is do it half-arsed or not do it at all and I'll eventually have to deal with it. I've tried going on strike before while I was pregnant and just a few steps away from bed rest, and it didn't work. He was perfectly fine living in filth. He's had maids at hotels (while he was TDY) refuse to clean his room because of how messy it was. :o

A lot of my issue comes from his total lack of motivation. He could be out of a job in less than a year if he doesn't get his health on track. Yet he barely moves once he gets home. I'm scared that if he's like this now, what's going to happen if I'm the one working and he's the one staying at home? On a daily basis I run at least 2 full loads of dishes, sweep floors, pick up, do laundry (every day), clean the kitchen and bathroom (I have a little boy and a potty training girl, the daily bathroom cleaning is a must, lol). Then there's cooking meals, entertaining the kid(s), bath time, teeth brushings/hair combing (my daughter has wild curly hair)... I mop the floor in the kitchen 2-3 times a week and the rest of the house (all hardwood) once a week. I also deal with all the bills and my son's school work, as well as caring for the pets and yard. Grocery shopping and errands are all on me as well. If he's home and I have errands to run I have to make sure it's ok to even leave the kids with him. Otherwise he says he "just can't take" them and all their noise while he's relaxing. I hate clutter, but it spontaneously generates, and when it comes to his military stuff, I don't like to mess with it. So that means it sits in boxes or piles wherever he puts it. He puts popsicle sticks, gum, apple cores and other trash under his chair or on the window sill near his chair and he'll LEAVE it. There's currently a cup with a rotten apple core, 2 skewers from dinner 3 nights ago, candy wrappers, beer bottle tops and other nastiness sitting next to his chair that I REFUSE to pick up. The cup has been there over a week and everything else has just been piled into it. That's what scares me. He's not motivated at work. He TOLD me all he does all day at work is surf the net. Those were his exact words. When he's not surfing the net he's going out for breakfast, lunch and "snack" at restaurants. Some days it's only lunch most days it's breakfast and lunch. The wrappers from all of that are piled in his brand new, already smells like a dumpster truck. He's not motivated at home. I guess I'm a combination of worried and utterly frustrated. I love the man, I really do, and I understand that I'm the "stay at home" spouse, but DAMN. I only sit down during the day long enough to eat my meals and check my email and Facebook after the kids go to bed. :tired:

Pint Sized Terror
11-09-2010, 04:56 PM
And I just wanted to say thank you for all the compassion, LOL. I'm soooo sorry this is my rant/whine thread. I'm just ready to either scream at him or cry over this. ;)

11-09-2010, 05:00 PM
I do most of the kid and housework, since I don't work outside the home. However, I expect my husband to not make my job harder. I expect him to clean up after himself. He's not great at it, but my job is not picking up his underwear of the floor. If he wants that, he better get a better job and hire a full time maid. I don't go into his store and pull things off the shelves and leave them wherever I feel like and make him clean it up - he can't do that to me either, not without showing me a huge amount of disrespect.

11-09-2010, 05:01 PM
Oh, and I have a beef with the Flylady attitude. I think it cuts grown ups way too much slack.

11-09-2010, 05:17 PM
I'm probably gonna p!ss off a lot of people by saying this, but I would only cook and do laundry for your kids and yourself. Clean the house if it makes you feel better, since he doesn't seem to notice or care if it's dirty, but I bet he'll notice if there's no dinner or clean flight suits. I would explain that I have to spend a lot of extra time cleaning up his extra messes that I just don't have time to cook and do laundry for him.
That's my nice suggestion. My not nice suggestion would be to smack him in his thick head.
DH does a fair amount of houeswork, and while we don't have kids, we both work 40 + hours a week. I teach special education pre-k, and I tell him that I spend all day cleaning up after messy little ones and I don't need to clean his messes after 3pm each day!

11-09-2010, 05:24 PM
Have you talked to him about it?
The trash and stuff by his chair sounds gross.
Go to that area and point it out to him that that is not acceptable for an adult.
Maybe some counseling/marriage therapy would help- ???

11-09-2010, 05:31 PM
Can you put a small trash can by his chair? Trash clutter reduced in my house by about 90% when I bought a ton of small trash cans and put them every place that trash kept showing up.

11-09-2010, 05:59 PM
Can you put a small trash can by his chair? Trash clutter reduced in my house by about 90% when I bought a ton of small trash cans and put them every place that trash kept showing up.

This, times 10. Sometimes, it's about working with what you can get. My wife, when she's sick, leaves tissues EVERYWHERE. Everywhere. Makes me INSANE. So now, we've established the "Sarah is sick" grocery bag, which she carries from room to room to put her tissues in. Problem solved.

I do a good amount of the housework, by choice, but get help when I ask for it. We both work full time, with my hours longer than hers but based out of the house. My preference is to have the house cleaner than she would choose to have it, to cook more often, etc, so if something is bothering *me*, I clean it. If it's violating our jointly agreed rule (house must be clean enough to receive guests with 1 hour notice), we usually work to clean it up together. She often works on Saturdays and has a weekday when I'm working off...on Saturdays without her home, I clean the house top to bottom, because I like to do that deep cleaning every two weeks. On the weekends she has both days off, we usually do a lighter cleaning together on Sunday.

I do most of the laundry, most of the cooking (unless she is home during a weekday, and sometimes on Sundays)...we alternate doing dishes and other incidentals that come up during the week. I usually do a quick house-sweep before bed to put clutter away, while she watches TV. Works for us, because I genuinely don't mind and don't like just SITTING, while she does like that sitting I putter around the house and keep things neater.

What does not work is continuing to clean while resentful. It just builds and builds. So it's time to sit down and work out a plan that respects your desire to have a cleaner house but also gets some of your needs met.

11-09-2010, 06:07 PM
Honestly- I think it's unfair- yes he's working outside the home but he's also a father too. I'm sorry but you don't just keep the house clean for YOU but for him also- who doesn't like to come home to a clean house? It's not like he doesn't ENJOY it.

You know what happens to people in your shoes (and all of you other spouses here who are holding resentment)? You end up getting a divorce.

My advice- have someone take the kids for a night, and sit down and talk to him, I mean REALLY talk to him. Tell him while yes you are a wife and mother he is also a husband and father and he's turned things from a partnership into a seperation of the two of you. It's not fair for him to say he works 9-5, it's just not. You don't work 9-5, the kids don't just shut off at 5 pm so you can rest. And while it's great he's bringing home the money, you are raising his children and it's not a one woman show. What if you were working- what then? God forbid something happens to you and he's alone with the kids- what then?

He really needs to step up, I'm sorry but my husband does a great deal around the house, he cleans, does laundry, takes care of the pets (feeding and bathing and playing with them), goes grocery shopping, etc. We don't have kids but I know when we do he'll be very hands on with them when we do.

I would make it very explicit to him that you are telling him now that you are upset because you'd rather tell him now before it gets out of hand and the resentment builds up and you hate him. You love him and want it to stay that way.

I really suggest seeing a marriage counselar- my husband and I did (for another issue) and it did a world of difference for us. He finally understood where I was coming from and I finally understood how he was taking things and why there was such a misunderstanding about what was going on).

It's easy to get more help, establish a routine. When he gets home for one hour he can totally relax, change his clothes, go online, whatever, then after that, if you guys eat dinner he can then get up WITH YOU and take the dishes to the sink and help you wash them or load the washer, then clear up, put away leftoevers, etc. After that help bathe the kids AND put them away while you take your bath- in fact you should have at least an hour a day where he has full responsibility of the kids so you can rest. Call it your lunch break.

I'm sure if he spent one day in your shoes he'd die.

If he loves you he'll try harder.

If he just gets mad at you ask him to see a counselar- he really needs to understand the severity of how this is going to make you feel and that this is affecting your marriage. I wouldn't say divorce but I'd say this arrangement is making you unhappy.

11-09-2010, 10:25 PM
PST ~ :hug:

You have come to the right place to sure helps having 3FC to do that doesn't it?!

Just a few suggestions from me ~

#1 Don't expect your 5 year old to clean anything up w/o help from you....especially with his distraction issues. When my children were little we allowed them to play with ALL their toys in the family room.....they were allowed to bring 1 toy at a time up to the living room....their bedrooms didn't have toys for the most part. When it came time for pick-up in the family room we all did it together...we made a game of it :carrot:

#2 Personally I think the computer and video games have taken up way too much time in people's lives...but that's another vent!

Play with your kids dammit! :mad:

vent over....:^:

When my kids were little I worked long days in construction....I needed a little ME time too when I got read the paper...answer phone messages that occurred throughout the day for work (YES! I am that old...we had no cell phones :))....

anyway....when I first got home I would PLAY with my kids....sometimes for a couple of hours....then while they ate, and my ex-wife....I would sit and visit with them at the table...after dinner and bath time for them was the the time for my ME TIME...I was able to make my calls, then eat and read the paper in peace for a half/hour or so. By then the kids were ready to sit and watch TV or read with me in the recliner...or we would play quiet games...puzzles...etc.

It didn't always work out perfect but more times than not it did.

During my play time with the kids is when my ex found her ME TIME.

#3 ~ As mentioned...sit your man down and tell him calmly what you are going through...yes he does work all day...or not ;)...

don't try to take away from his job when talking to him...just explain how hard it is for you...ask for a little consistent help...and make him stick to it...demand it!...but make it VERY doable for him to start with...

then build on that!

Years ago Angie demanded :) that I cook one night a week...long story behind that, it has been mentioned here many times at 3FC...anyway....she demanded 1 night...very doable...I enjoyed it so much that for a long time when the kids were growing I did most of the cooking.....

she paid me back :love: ;)

This dad and his grown children all know how to cook a little and do their own laundry!

Remember...we are all a work in steps....:hug:

11-09-2010, 11:42 PM
We are a lot like Mandalinn and her DW. I am the one that does a lot of the cleaning by choice (I'm one of those odd ducks that finds relaxation in grocery shopping and cleaning), but all I have to do is ask and I get all the help I need. All DH needs is a little direction. While he hasn't cleaned a toilet in our house since we've lived here (18 months), I don't clean the cat box. Or mow the lawn. Or rake. Or take out the garbage. Then there's all the incidental stuff. He sweeps, but operating a mop is outside his area of expertiese; when the dishwasher is full someone just unloads it.

I fully agree with the small trashcan solution. You may not be able to change him, but you can make YOUR life easier by coming up with ways to at least kind of prevent messes.

DH was laid off in late August and since he's home much of the day I have cut myself some slack. Before, I would rush home and get dinner started. Now he has been working on his cooking (Lord help us) and takes care of dinner 2-3 times a week.

11-10-2010, 12:13 AM
My advice is to start slowly, with tiny baby steps for him. Love the idea of putting a trash can by his chair.

Here's the thing: You can't change the game plan suddenly on him now. If he's had years of you doing the majority of stuff he's not going to think there's anything wrong with the status quo. I know it's frustrating, but maybe if you can get him to give a little, a bit of your resentment will go away, and then you get him to give a little more, etc...

I lucked out, my Hubs is really good about cleaning. It's not equal, but I only work part time. When I worked full time, or if now I have work or illness interfere, he's quick to step up and take over. If anything, he's neater than me. Of course I would not have married him if he couldn't cook or clean, having grown up in a house with a father that rarely did anything for himself. Yes, my Dad worked hard, but as soon as he got home he was on the couch, Diet Rite in hand and we were all waiting on him. So I knew that wasn't the type of man for me.

Good luck with your husband!

11-10-2010, 01:04 AM
I loved that scene in The Breakup when Jennifer Anniston tells Vince Vaughn "I want you to WANT to do the dishes." Yep, that sums it up for me.

Pint Sized Terror
11-10-2010, 09:49 AM
LOL, I don't care if he wants to want to do the dishes. I don't "want" to do the dishes either, but they have to be done. ;)

We have several trashcans around the house. 2 in the living room, 2 in the office/family room and one in each of the other rooms, even in our kids rooms. He says he just "forgets" they are there. He doesn't even use the one in the kitchen when he's standing right next to it.

I'm definitely going to have a sit down talk with him about counseling. :( We had a wonderful time last night as a family. Came home, planned a romantic night, then he came home, took his pain pills and fell asleep in his chair. This morning he didn't bother waking anyone else up (took the alarm clock and fell asleep in his chair) and instead took his place in the tub sometime before 7. I woke up on my own at 7 and hurried to get things done. At around 20min after, I still hadn't so much as used the restroom and neither kid was dressed. The dog had eaten my son's breakfast and I was making him some more. I popped my head into the bathroom and asked if he could at least come out and keep an eye on the kids while I got myself, breakfast and lunches ready. He said "You get an hour of 'me time' bath at night. This is my hour of 'me time.'" And told me if I wanted to b***h at him any more, I could text him like I did yesterday. (He didn't take out all the garbage, and I texted him asking him why he didn't, definitely not a b****y message, just asking him) He's totally clueless, and beerab you're right, I resent him VERY much for this. I've talked my face off to him about needing help in the past, or at least that he needs to clean up his messes, and he just blows it off.

Things are getting critical. We haven' done anything in a month or longer. It's not for a lack of me trying either! I feel like a live in maid at this point. I'm so frustrated!!!!!

11-10-2010, 09:56 AM
The trash cans are a good idea. Now who's going to teach my dog not to knock them over? ;) I have a tiny dog who causes a lot of damage! LOL!

Pint Sized Terror
11-10-2010, 10:01 AM
LOL! I have a rule that non-food items can go in the trashcans, otherwise our dogs use them as their personal food bowls. ;)

Pint Sized Terror
11-10-2010, 10:44 AM
And he just told me he's going to be leaving for 4 days next week for work. It's also over his birthday. I don't know why he would be going away. He's not allowed to fly right now, which means no training. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but my mind is really going crazy right now. I really really hope this isn't something he's doing to go away and party or worse, that he actually has someone else. I need to talk to him so badly.

11-10-2010, 11:15 AM
And he just told me he's going to be leaving for 4 days next week for work. It's also over his birthday. I don't know why he would be going away. He's not allowed to fly right now, which means no training. I'm trying not to be paranoid, but my mind is really going crazy right now. I really really hope this isn't something he's doing to go away and party or worse, that he actually has someone else. I need to talk to him so badly.

You know, as cathartic as these posts can be, sometimes they bring out paranoia too, or make us look more at the bad when we should be trying to pull up some good. Just a thought. ;) It felt good to vent, but it's more productive when I build my husband up in my mind instead of tearing him down. That sounds so 1950's of me, but hey, isn't that what this whole thread is centered around?! :dizzy: If I tell myself how wonderful he is in other ways, I usually end up feeling better about the whole situation.

11-10-2010, 11:38 AM
Has your husband ever taken anti depressants? I'm sorry if I missed it somewhere, but when you said he's the same at work, his lack of joy/motivation in all areas of his life speaks volumes. This really sounds beyond someone not respecting you or being motivated to clean. I"m guessing he would not be too receptive to you asking him about seeing a psychiatrist, but maybe when you start counseling, your therapist can help you with that. You deserve more than this, but it really sounds like he needs help

Pint Sized Terror
11-10-2010, 01:45 PM
Ok, hubby came home for lunch and we talked while my daughter was asleep. He said he's felt totally apathetic towards pretty much everything since they upped his medication. He says he's still attracted to me, he just has no sex drive. None. I didn't know it, but yesterday he called and made an appointment about how the meds have made him feel, but they can't see him until later this month. He said he feels incredibly guilty about all of it but can't seem to do anything about it. I was put on Paxil for a short time 8 years ago and it made me feel the same way. I thought it was working for him better than it had for me since he wasn't saying he felt apathetic and "meh." His pain medications aren't working as well anymore and he's concerned about that. He doesn't want to take more of the medication, but that's where it is heading and that worries him.

Also, the 4 day training thing isn't over his birthday, which is good since the kids and I had planned a party. He had the dates wrong. He laughed when I asked if he was seeing someone else. I almost started tearing up and he goes, "Oh my God. You're serious." He told me he is not seeing anyone and that I'm still the only one for him. :p And it is training. His commander and doctor gave him some kind of training pass so he can go do flight simulator training. He is SO excited. This is the first time he's gotten to do anything flight-related in months. A simulator is like a giant cockpit of his airplane with screens on all the windows so it looks like you're flying.

He agreed that we should go to couples counseling, and also suggested finding a regular babysitter so he and I can have more one on one time. He said he would make more of an effort around the house if I would agree to work out a kind of schedule with him so he knows what's expected when.

I feel a million times better.

11-10-2010, 03:09 PM
That is great. I need to do this with my husband. He has been unemployed over a year (we are now calling it early retirement) and he does very little.

Part of it is my fault because I can't stand listening to him gripe about not being able to find things that have been stored in the same place for the l past 10 years.

11-10-2010, 03:13 PM
i hope it helps! I've had similar discussions with my husband that lead to a month or so of good behavior before it slips back to what it was.
depression can be a major factor in all of these problems though. and if he's on the wrong medication or dosage?! oh i've had that problem- once on effexor for like 3 weeks and i could not even get myself to move. it was scary.

11-10-2010, 03:23 PM
I need to spell it out with my live in BF. We're students. We do kind of live in a mess.

Reading this reminds me I'm really not ready to balance children in my life yet. I wish you well, Pint, things definitely sound like they're looking up!

11-10-2010, 05:33 PM
I am so glad you guys were able to talk!!! I knwo a few guys on anti-depressants and they have no drive either, so I think that is a typical side effect. Good luck!

11-10-2010, 07:17 PM
I'm so glad you guys talked- but PLEASE don't forget to set up the counseling- it's very important and will do you both a world of good- it's best to go now while you guys WANT to make it work and love each other- not when one of you has checked out completely.

I think a few sessions will really help the both of you :)

Good luck.

11-11-2010, 02:44 AM
When I was on zoloft I had zero sex drive, I didn't even want to look at his penis when I was on it. So lack of sex drive could definitely be because of his anti depressants

I totally read this the wrong way the first time.