Weight Loss Support - DH asked if I considered gastric bypass!




19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 10:17 AM
Well I hopped on the scale this morning weighing 227.8 I'm up a little since a week ago (225.6). I'm getting my period in a week and I always gain 2-5 lbs the week before. So I tell him about being up a little on the scale and he ask if I ever considered gastric bypass!. My mouth just dropped, you would think after 7 years of marriage that he would know not to ask anything about my weight. He didn't say this in a snarky rude way and once he saw my reaction he apologized. I'm not bashing anyone who has had the surgery, my aunt has had it and had great success and has maintained her weight loss for several years now. DH doesn't even understand the procedure or the fact that something could go wrong.

Plus I don't trust docs, I never take meds or anything and I'm now birth control free so I'm feeling great. I'm still tweaking here and there to find something that I can stick with and not just find a temporary diet. I was just so offended and hurt by that comment because it made me feel like wow I really am huge (sorry if I offended anyone). My husband did not mean to hurt my feelings and he has never said anything mean about my body, he still wants to have sex every night and finds me beautiful, and can't keep his hands off me. I just think he thought he was being helpful or something, I personally have never considered GB and thats just not a option for me at all. Even though my progress has been very slow, I still prefer to lose weight the old fashion way. But I just wanted to vent to you ladies because I knew yall would understand.


bargoo
11-07-2010, 10:24 AM
Men just don't understand, I suppose in his own way he thought he was being helpful. Go ahead and do what you think is right for you.

Pint Sized Terror
11-07-2010, 10:36 AM
LOL, I don't know why he said what he did, and why he thought it would help you is beyond me. That's just how their mind works sometimes, LOL.

Don't let it bother you. You're doing what's right for you while maintaining a healthy lifestyle. :hug:


Pudgebrownie
11-07-2010, 10:51 AM
Men don't think like we women do. So it's no surprise that sometimes (maybe even often times) things come out of their mouths that are offensive and hurtful. But honestly, I don't think the majority of them mean it the way we perceive it. My husband has said things that have come out wrong but he would never intentionally try to put me down or upset me. He is my biggest support and biggest fan, not to mention best friend :]

sacha
11-07-2010, 11:01 AM
I'll bet your DH is one of those that thinks bypass is "the easy way out" (No... it is the ONLY way out for some people). Perhaps it is hard for him to see you struggle. As I always say, "forgive him - he is a man, after all" :)

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 11:30 AM
Thanks everyone :hug: He just did not think before he opened his mouth but I just talked to him about how it hurt my feelings and I don't want him to bring that up again. He doesn't take the complications that can arise from surgery into account, he just thinks its simple and that it doesn't have any risk. Of course being military I think our insurance would cover it but I don't feel like I'm at the point of no return. I can still lose weight the regular way and I don't even think I would qualify weight wise for GB.

GB is good for those who have tried everything but for me I run 4 days a week, and even though I'm obese I feel like I'm pretty fit. I just haven't given up on losing the weight naturally and I continue trying to find what my body needs in order to shed the weight. I've done a pretty good job of maintaining my weight so far. But like the other lady said I think he hates to see me struggle and be frustrated but for me I learn as I go along and of course he would rather help me anyway he can.

munchievictim
11-07-2010, 11:36 AM
I don't know much about gbs, but it seems to me that you're not really big enough to consider a drastic option like that :/ You look great and you've made really good progress so far! Keep up the good work and cut your guy a little slack, they can't help being clueless sometimes :)

PaulaM
11-07-2010, 11:39 AM
Men think totally differently than we do. If you tell me a problem I will try and give comforting words, but a man will try to FIND A SOLUTION! They don't want to talk about what if and how come and why. They want to FIND A SOLUTION! I'm sure he thought he was being helpful. I don't want to tell anybody else what to do, but you seem to be losing already, why would you want to go through all the risks? No offense to anybody in here who has had the surgery, I think it is actually the harder route to take with all the complications.

Deena52
11-07-2010, 11:45 AM
You can learn a lot about this from the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Men are wired to problem-solve. To him, by telling him the scale was up, you presented him with a problem....and being a man, he thought he needed to offer a helpful solution.

Whereas women just want the men to listen to them (esp. when they're complaining or unhappy about something)....not offer solutions. But being men, they don't realize this....and you have to tell them. That's the secret.

Before you even start, you tell them that you are not looking for any solutions. You just want them to listen to you. They're usually very accommodating.
That is of course unless you ARE actually looking for a helpful solution to something....although it's usually something you need them to do...or to fix. So you're not really asking for a solution, you are usually waiting for them to volunteer....or to just take care of it.

deena:)

pamelasusan39
11-07-2010, 11:55 AM
My guess is that he just loves you and hates to see you upset and frustrated.
I highly doubt it has anything to do with how HE thinks you look.
I think you look beautiful, btw!
Keep running!

Glory87
11-07-2010, 12:11 PM
Heh, my husband is SUCH a fixer :)

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 12:26 PM
You can learn a lot about this from the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Men are wired to problem-solve. To him, by telling him the scale was up, you presented him with a problem....and being a man, he thought he needed to offer a helpful solution.

Whereas women just want the men to listen to them (esp. when they're complaining or unhappy about something)....not offer solutions. But being men, they don't realize this....and you have to tell them. That's the secret.
Before you even start, you tell them that you are not looking for any solutions. You just want them to listen to you. They're usually very accommodating.
That is of course unless you ARE actually looking for a helpful solution to something....although it's usually something you need them to do...or to fix. So you're not really asking for a solution, you are usually waiting for them to volunteer....or to just take care of it.

deena:)
Great advice, I will definitely do this next time because thats exactly what I wanted was for him to listen to what I had to say and not offer a solution or advice.

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 12:39 PM
Aww thanks everyone, he definitely wasn't trying to be mean. He has never had a weight problem. He can eat a large pizza, drink soda and beer and lose weight. He can lose 5 lbs overnight so he doesn't quite understand why its so hard. I guess he doesn't understand why a person has a hard time losing weight, he sees me constantly trying. I don't binge eat and he says I eat very healthy so to him I guess it looks like I'm doing all the right things and not seeing the results and he though GB would be good for me since I already eat healthy.

He feels bad for bringing it up and I'm sure he wishes that he never said it and after reading this thread I'm understanding how differently men think. So even though my progress is very slow I'm happy that I'm taking this route, also I don't have any other health problems other then being obese so I definitely don't qualify. Like the other lady said I actually think GB is the hardest route to take because of the recovery etc., and its definitely not a easy route like my husband believes it to be, and he even mentioned the lapband also. He just kept digging that hole deeper lol but he was just trying to help and after reading all these post it helped me understand that even more.

I rarely start my own thread but I'm glad I did this time since it really helped and I'm feeling way better now. Thanks everyone :grouphug:

Harsdottir
11-07-2010, 12:50 PM
I have had people say the same thing to me. You have to ignore it. If he apologized to you and appears to always consider your feelings enough to not repeat such sentiments then, forgive him. I know I have said things that I have regretted, and most people have too. I guess that is his way of showing you his love, by considering an easier option.

Its my opinion that WLS is an easier option. That's why they call it WLS (weight loss surgery) because it helps you lose weight faster and in greater amounts than diet and exercise alone. That's just a fact. I had a cousin and an aunt get the surgery almost a year after I started my weight loss journey and they are smaller than me without much exercise. As for it being called a "tool" well everything is a tool, but some "tools" are just more effective and work faster than others. There is nothing wrong with admitting that wls works better and more efficiently than diet and exercise alone. Why all the shame over that? Most insurance companies already know that and that's why most REQUIRE people to go on a 6 month physician monitored diet and exercise program before the surgery. The companies know that diet and exercise alone is hard and sometimes too hard for some people, so they only offer you the easier option after you failed at the first and are in need of a more intense method of appetite/eating control (stomach restriction). Why some people are not successful at diet and exercise is VERY PERSONAL and I won't get into that, but there should be no shame for some people to admit to needing a stronger appetite/eating restriction method to reach their goals. Some people need insulin to manage their diabetes, others do not. Who cares? I think your husband is showing you some love, by trying to get you to try things that may work faster and easier for you, but frankly, at your weight most insurances won't cover you because you are too small

Pint Sized Terror
11-07-2010, 01:04 PM
Of course being military I think our insurance would cover it .

They won't. You're definitely not past the point of no return, so to speak. :hug:

I wondered if you were military. Your bathroom looks a lot like ours, and it's on a military base, LOL!!!

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 01:21 PM
I do agree that weight loss is easier with wls but what I think is hard is the recovery, and complications that some suffer from it. Also some die and thats just not a risk I would be willing to take, also after being on this site for a while now I have seen inspirational stories of others who have lost lots of weight the good old fashion way like yourself. This inspires me to keep going and that even though diet and exercise is a long process it does work. Even though I'm losing slowly, its working maybe not as fast as I would like lol.

I forgave him, he really means well and hates to see me upset. Also I've heard lots of stories of people gaining back the weight after wls and its sad that they had to go through surgery and all that and end up in the same situation (obese) years later. So for me I think the only thing permanent is learning how to make better choices and find something that you can stick to forever and thats what I'm trying to do. Harsdottir you are doing a amazing job, my aunt has definitely beat me to the finish line thanks to wls but I will be there someday

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 01:24 PM
They won't. You're definitely not past the point of no return, so to speak. :hug:

I wondered if you were military. Your bathroom looks a lot like ours, and it's on a military base, LOL!!!

LOL we were stationed at Fort Riley, KS and this bathroom is in a house that was built in the 1950s! Our downstairs bathroom is blue and our upstairs bathroom was pink lol it was definitely a old house. Thankfully now we live in a nice house but we live off base because on base we always get stuck with the very old houses that no one wants. The best lighting for pics always seem to be in the bathroom lol I was hoping people wouldn't notice

NiteNicole
11-07-2010, 01:37 PM
The reality is, when you discuss these things with people, you give the impression that it's a conversation and they get to comment.

I do NOT discuss specifics like that with my husband or anyone really because how am I going to get mad when they just comment on a topic I brought up? There is no right answer to endless weight conversations - if they say you look good the way you are, they're not supportive. If they don't comment, they're ignoring you. If they agree with you, the nerve of them! If they offer suggestions, they are stepping over a line.

What do you want from him when you tell him these details? Do you want validation of your feelings - and keep in mind your feelings are that you need to lose weight. If he says that back to you, how will that feel? If he says nothing, will you feel ignored? Are you really hoping he'll tell you you're just fine - or will that feel like he's sabotaging you and holding you back?

It's a no win situation for the other person. Now if he ever just wakes up one day and says, out of the blue, dannnnng, haven't you ever heard of Weight Watchers? You have my permission to lose it :dizzy:

19Deltawifey
11-07-2010, 02:17 PM
It's a no win situation for the other person.

That's true he was damned if he said anything and damned if he didn't, I see that now after reading your post. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh but I do tell him if I am losing. I'm not always the most reasonable person and thats when I need other peoples opinion to help bring me back down to earth and get a different perspective. He is also noticing that I'm going to bed earlier instead of staying up late and snacking while playing video games, I'm just sensitive sometimes and getting feedback from others is helping me understand to let things go especially if they weren't deliberately meant to hurt my feelings.

Linsy
11-08-2010, 12:23 AM
My mom had WLS a few years ago and lost a lot of weight, but she's gained about half of it back and she gets sick whenever she eats anything. She now can't eat ice cream, drink milk, etc without getting sick and throwing up. When we go out to restaurants she'll eat like 1/4 of her food and feel sick. She told me that she wouldn't do it again if she had the opportunity. She's a lot smaller than she was before but the complications didn't make it worth it.

That being said, I don't really find what your husband said offensive at all for some reason. I'm bigger than you and if my guy asked me if I considered WLS I would just tell him no and move on--he doesn't understand (also naturally thin... 6'0 and 120~ pounds) anything about weight loss.

Arctic Mama
11-08-2010, 05:27 AM
Heh, my husband is SUCH a fixer :)

Mine too! Most men are. He was probably just trying to help and didn't think about the implications of his statement (hence his apology as soon as that light turned on!).

Our husbands love us and just hate to see us struggle without seemingly any solution. Weightloss is slow and can seem like it goes on forever, with lots of ups and downs along the way... Gastric bypass probably just seemed like a more 'sure bet' for results than your current plan, as he was watching you work through these struggles.

Don't lose heart, you aren't anywhere near the size I'd recommend bypass as being ideal for. Keep working at your plan and those pounds WILL drop, and in the meantime tell your husband (kindly!) to keep his opinions to himself on weightloss ;)

carter
11-08-2010, 09:57 AM
Think about how many people you know who think weight loss surgery is a quick, easy fix. You may know it's not so, but it's a common misconception. How many times do you see people posting here that the people around them refuse to believe they lost weight through old-fashioned hard work - and guess or assume they had surgery. You see it here over and over again.

To the OP, when your husband suggested surgery, it didn't mean he thought you were an enormous cow and beyond any other kind of help. My guess is, he was distressed at seeing you so anxious and concerned about your weight for such a long time, and made an offhand suggestion of something he'd heard was a simple solution but didn't really know too much about.

Don't read too much into it, don't abstract it into a giant "men are this, women are that" stereotype - it's just a person trying to soothe and comfort a loved one. I do the same for my partner when she's upset - if I know of something that might help, I suggest it. I'm sure I put my foot in it sometimes too - we are human beings, not mind-readers.