100 lb. Club - Fear, Anxiety and Dieting
11-05-2010, 07:31 PM
On 11/11 (at 11am, how perfect is that?) I am reporting for surgery. I have a tumor on my perotid salivary gland, and it has to come out ASAP. Biopsy results weren't very encouraging; apparently my surgeon won't know whether or not it is malignant until he is inside my face and Pathology can test the actual tumor. I won't know if it's cancer until I wake up, and that is scaring the crap out of me.
Here's a photo of 'Fred' (the tumor), as named by my stepson. Lovely, isn't it? For the morbidly curious, if you google 'perotidectomy' you'll see what this surgery entails. It's a tricky surgery because the nerves to the right side of my face run right through the perotid gland. I'll be in surgery for 3 or more hours, and will spend at least one night in the hospital. I'll have a lovely scar; bummer the surgery wasn't in time to frighten small children on Halloween.
I've been doing my best to distract myself for a couple of weeks now but it's not working so well these days. Surgery is this coming Thursday, and the closer it gets the more anxious I am feeling. I am flat-out scared, I admit it, and the anxiety is constantly gnawing a hole in my belly that almost feels like hunger. I am constantly battling the urge to shove something, ANYTHING in my pie-hole. I am at the point where I feel like the best I can do is just not gain between now and then; I've been bouncing around in a 5-lb. window for the better part of two weeks, but I hit a new low weight today. Plus, I know I'll lose right after surgery.
I've tried walk, sleepytime tea, GABA, distracting myself with video games, going for walks... nothing is making the gnawing fear in my belly go away. If I wasn't so afraid of the munchies I'd smoke a bowl. What else can I do? I just need to survive until Thursday without eating my feelings or losing my marbles.
The countdown to Thursday begins now.
I hope all goes well! :hug: :hug: :hug:
11-05-2010, 08:55 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending HUGS.
11-05-2010, 08:58 PM
Thank you, Ciao and Ubergirl - I appreciate the hugs.
11-05-2010, 09:00 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this - how stressful and scary. I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes smoothly!
11-05-2010, 09:29 PM
Can you call your doctor and see if he can prescribe something for your anxiety? Just something to see you through the next few days until you have your surgery? It might help take the edge off.
In the meantime...aw heck! You know what, I've been through similar situations (breast lumps and other things), and every time I worry myself sick over the "what ifs" and you know what? I've always been absolutely fine and I wasted all that time worrying about something that thankfully wasn't even an issue. So we'll just all pray and send good thoughts that you're worried over nothing too!
11-05-2010, 09:42 PM
I hope and pray all things go well for you. Not sure where you stand on personal spirituality but it always helps me to visualize my Higher Power/Father God is by my side holding my hand. Just there to give comfort and peace to my heart.
11-06-2010, 01:09 AM
:hug: Praying for you! Please keep us posted how well your surgery went and how your biopsy was completely benign;)
Ask your heavenly Father if you could climb up in his lap so he can hold you and give you peace and comfort- and make all those scary bad feelings go away! :yes:
11-06-2010, 01:22 AM
Wow Robin, I really am so sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Please know that many of us here will be praying for you and lifting you up. Have you ever tried meditating? It has worked wonders for me through very stressful surgeries while I was completely awake.
It sounds as though you have a loving family and good support system. Lean on them during this time. Best wishes. Please keep us all updated.
11-06-2010, 01:28 AM
Take care, and try not to stress too much. Easier said then done I know. Try thinking positive thoughts. It goes a long way.
Take hot baths with mineral salts. Deep breaths and listen to mellow music. Works well for me.
11-06-2010, 01:48 AM
I would recommend calling your doctor to see if there is an as-needed medication you can take to get through the next few days. I have a standing Xanax prescription. I pretty much only take it when I fly, because honestly, flying is something I can't get out of, and it freaks me out. I rarely take it at any other time, though I have taken it for one health scare (in between learning I had broken my neck in my elliptical fall and learning whether the injury was stable or needed to be fixed surgically). It doesn't "drug" me when I'm in an anxious state, or make me tired - it just stops the endless escalating loop of panic in my head and that terrible feeling in my stomach. I'm generally pretty anti-med, but with situational high anxiety (ie, not a more general state of worrying all the time, for which I'd recommend therapy in addition to any medical intervention, and not lasting more than a few weeks total), I believe that medication can make a huge difference.
You can't heal if you're in a state of anxiety, and if this stress starts affecting your sleep and your ability to eat healthy foods, it will affect your ability to heal. If you're not comfortable with the idea of medication, you can use meditation, exercise (before surgery, if your doctor OKs it), baths, reading/other escapes, and any other strategies in your arsenal to reduce your stress levels. Yoga can be very soothing, for me, but so can a butt-kicking workout (my fastest run times are always when I'm worried...I take it out on the pavement).
11-06-2010, 02:24 AM
Thank you very much for your support. I called the Dr.'s office today and it's a no-go on the Xanax. So I had a good cry, smoked a bowl and dove face first into a huge bowl of popcorn. On the up side, I shared the bowl and the popcorn with my hubby, I didn't exceed my calories that bad (under 1800 today) and didn't turn to wine. I'm feeling much calmer now, so in the balance I'm calling it good. :-)
11-06-2010, 02:47 AM
:hug:s, and candles lit.
11-06-2010, 03:36 AM
You're in my thoughts, I hope everything goes well<3 :hug:
11-06-2010, 04:58 AM
I am sorry you are going through this. My wish for you is that your surgery is successful, the outcome good, and that you heal quickly.
Do some deep breathing or meditations. They can be very calming.
11-06-2010, 05:26 AM
If I take a benedryl I sleep for twelve straight hours. The little hard pink ones.
Hope everything works out good! I am sending positive vibes your way!
11-06-2010, 08:17 AM
Lots of :hug:
11-06-2010, 09:15 AM
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending calming, healing vibes your way.
11-07-2010, 07:41 PM
Last night I had a rather awesome 'party of one'. Had my SIL over, which is always fun (I scored in the in-law department, yup yup!) although she couldn't stay late. Hubby had to work today so he crashed early, and I played tunes, drank too much wine and danced two+ more pounds off, lol!!!!! I gave my anxiety about my upcoming surgery the boot, and it felt sooooo good to put that down. :)
I don't know how it's possible that I could have blown my calories on a LOT of wine and woken up 2.6 pounds lighter than the day before, but I'll take it. It feels like I was thrown a bone, you know? :carrot:
11-08-2010, 04:25 PM
The anxiety is back. I hate this twisting-guts feeling! Had my pre-op today & now this feels really REAL. My MD prescribed Valium for the anxiety; never taken it & I'm not sure what to expect but anything is better than this. It's the 'is it or isn't it?' that's getting to me. I have to assume that the chill pills will help - took the first one a bit ago and am waiting to feel calmer. Thursday evening, for good or ill, I will at least KNOW what I am dealing with.
11-08-2010, 08:37 PM
What can one say at a time like this?
Sounding healing, calming and soothing thoughts your way.
Hoping you have a speedy recovery with a wonderful outcome.
:hug: X a lot
11-08-2010, 09:00 PM
Thanks, everyone! I've decided not to beat myself up too bad since my eating has been less-than-perfect the last couple of days. Not flat-out awful, but my control ha been shaky. The valiums are helping. And I ate pizza - Mediterranean DeLite (chicken, spinach & feta, very thin crust). Yummers! Had my son take me to the vid store and I bought some movies for the upcoming down time. I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be - I really just want to get it over with.
For some reason writing it all out helps; thank you for letting me share.
11-09-2010, 01:19 AM
:hug: We are all there with you and hope all goes well ! surgery of any kind is stressful and we all handle it differently .... as do our Drs it seems . Mine wouldn't give medication either ... he just says go for a walk ( and sometimes I would like to smack him on the back of HIS head ! ) .. Good luck and know we are pulling for positive results for you !:hug:
11-09-2010, 01:50 AM
Well, today they OK'd the scrip for Magic Pills, so I guess I sounded properly desperate. ;)
After the surgery I'll be living on soup for quite a while, so I should see a nice weight loss from that, right? LOL!!!
11-11-2010, 03:36 AM
Tomorrow is the big day; knock wood that it will be a piece of cake, go smoothly with good news from Pathology. See y'all in a couple of days, or when I can focus enough to type semi-legibly!
11-11-2010, 05:39 AM
Good luck Robin!
11-11-2010, 07:51 AM