I am a newer member to 3FC, so forgive me if this has already been brought up. I'm noticing a theme here and something I never thought about before. Many folks have commented that the people they hang with like them as the "fat friend" and either try to sabotage, belittle, or distance themselves from the folks who lose (or are trying to lose) weight.
This made me think two thoughts:
A. The person trying to lose weight has sensitivity issues, and "feels" this is the case, when it might not necessarily be so
B. People are so superficial that they really do like having someone heavier, uglier, whatever, etc. to hang out with so they can feel better about themselves. Uuuggghhh....
I have a few friends who are heavier, the same size as me, and more friends who are thinner and I have never noticed changes in any of them if I lose or gain, and certainly none of them have tried to sabotage me in any way. Maybe I surround myself with genuine people. I am more private and don't discuss my efforts with them, and if so I just say "no thanks, I am trying to cut back on _______." and that pretty much is the end of it.
So I was wondering what your thoughts about the above, and do you feel like you are the "fat friend"? If so, why don't you distance yourself from these people who are using you to feel good about themselves?
In my friends I'm not the "fat friend" but I have noticed some of my bigger friends have cooled their friendships towards me since I've lost more weight. It sucks but not much that can be done. As for the thinner people in my life all of them have been very encouraging.
Probably the most trouble I've had is with my husband's family who will invite us over, make a huge cake, then say "oh just a bite, it won't hurt" and they don't realize that YES IT DOES!
Probably the most trouble I've had is with my husband's family who will invite us over, make a huge cake, then say "oh just a bite, it won't hurt" and they don't realize that YES IT DOES!
I had a friend that would do this so finally I said, "Okay, I'll take a bite." She cut me a huge piece and I had ONE BITE. I told her it was great and got up from the table. The look on her face was priceless. She then moaned and complained that she had to throw away a perfectly good piece of cake. I simply replied, "Well, you said ONE BITE won't hurt." She never did it again.
I had a friend that would do this so finally I said, "Okay, I'll take a bite." She cut me a huge piece and I had ONE BITE. I told her it was great and got up from the table. The look on her face was priceless. She then moaned and complained that she had to throw away a perfectly good piece of cake. I simply replied, "Well, you said ONE BITE won't hurt." She never did it again.
Probably the most trouble I've had is with my husband's family who will invite us over, make a huge cake, then say "oh just a bite, it won't hurt" and they don't realize that YES IT DOES!
My skinny size 2 MIL does the same thing! She knows I'm trying to lose weight on top of having had a baby 5 months ago but whenever we come over she bakes brownies or cake and then sends a bunch home with us Even when I tell her that I don't need any she will say "everyone needs a little bit" and then pawn it off on everyone else. I don't *think* she's trying to sabotage me but she's weird sometimes so who knows.
I noticed that my friends noticed when I got thinner than them--in three or four cases, I saw it in their eyes when it clicked. In no case has it changed our fundamental relationship, but in a few cases it has changed how they relate to my weight loss--the style of remarks made changed. A few people stopped mentioning it at all (which is fine) and with a couple others the compliments became less condescending: before, "You look great" had this unstated "compared to before" or "for a fat person" attached to it, but once I was thinner than they were, the comment was more just "you look great".
My skinny size 2 MIL does the same thing! She knows I'm trying to lose weight on top of having had a baby 5 months ago but whenever we come over she bakes brownies or cake and then sends a bunch home with us Even when I tell her that I don't need any she will say "everyone needs a little bit" and then pawn it off on everyone else. I don't *think* she's trying to sabotage me but she's weird sometimes so who knows.
Have you considered requesting that she make something else for you? I mean, if it's something she REALLY likes to do (baking) and does it every time you guys go over there, maybe you could call ahead of time or have your partner call ahead of time and say something like "Oh, MIL, I was really craving some nice whole wheat bread - do you perhaps have a recipe we could try out next time we're over for dinner?" Maybe it'll satisfy her baking instinct, and be great for you as well.
Unless she's actually going out of her way to sabotage you.. in which case you could always put those brownies right in to her mailbox as you pull out of her driveway or something.
There have been threads in the past so its not uncommon I lost my best friend due to my losing weight. We grew up together and I was always the fatter one although she was chubby, I was morbidly obese. When I started losing weight, it became tougher and tougher for me to maintain our relationship because she pulled away. Finally, I gave up.
This topic is on my mind right now. We have a group of 5 women at my work, 1 of whom is actively and rapidly losing weight. She was previously the largest of us by far, but that will soon not be true. It is fascinating to sense the dynamic change in the group and the new tension that it has occasionally created. But as we are all coworkers, we don't have the option to stop seeing each other, as can happen with friends when one loses (or gains) weight.
I have no insights to add but it is a real phenomenon. I suppose we are brainwashed to take weight into account as an indicator of someone's... what, status? Value? Power? Does weight loss "tip the scales" of the balance of power in a friendship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lori Bell
I simply replied, "Well, you said ONE BITE won't hurt." She never did it again.
Lori Bell, I love this as I love all of your posts. I wish I was assertive enough to not cave to the pressure to please others in situations like this. I'm working on it.
I'm very lucky that my friends don't care about my weight. I was the fat friend in some circles in high school, and the thin friend in other circles. It does make me uncomfortable that when I lose weight everyone comments on it constantly. Sometimes it feels like they're judging me and I get the occasional "don't become a lollipop" half-joking warning, but for the most part they're supportive/don't particularly pay attention to my weight.
B. People are so superficial that they really do like having someone heavier, uglier, whatever, etc. to hang out with so they can feel better about themselves. Uuuggghhh....
I'm not saying that it's right, but I can totally understand not wanting to be the fattest one in the room/in a group of friends and being relieved when you're not. I suppose it can be intimidating for some people when that person who was always heavier than them isn't anymore, and they have to deal with being the "fat friend" instead.
My friends never really cared how much I weighed and I don't feel like they looked down on me for it, and they've been very supportive as I've been losing weight, but some have made comments like, "Oh, you're so much thinner than so-and-so now!" and I can see how that would create problems between me and whoever they are talking about, even though me and so-and-so haven't had a problem over the weight loss before.
The comparisons/competitions are awful sometimes. Once a person is safely into "thin" territory it's almost as if her body is public property for speculating and commenting on and talking about, whereas with heavier people we sort of stray away from discussing it. That's not really something I look forward to.
The comparisons/competitions are awful sometimes. Once a person is safely into "thin" territory it's almost as if her body is public property for speculating and commenting on and talking about, whereas with heavier people we sort of stray away from discussing it. That's not really something I look forward to.
I absolutely agree. It can be very daunting. That is why I feel it is so important to work on yourself mentally as well as physically when you lose weight (if you truly want to keep it off FOR GOOD, which I'm sure we all do). You have to figure out a way to let comments others make about you roll off your back and that can be very difficult. You also have to try not to get too addicted to the nice comments about weight loss because eventually that will go away and you will just be a normal weight person. (I'm looking forward to this more than anything)
You know, I've been thinking about this a lot in terms of my best friend. I would say that 99% of her friends are extremely overweight, including me. I never really saw it before I started losing weight. I've lost 30 lbs and I've had so many people tell me how amazing I look now...she hasn't said a WORD (and she does know that I've been trying to lose weight). I know part of it could be that she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable or embarrassed by bringing up my weight. But you'd think a best friend would want to encourage and compliment...i.e. be supportive.
It makes me wonder if she really does have a huge insecurity, and thus surrounds herself with much larger people to be the "skinny" one in the group. Not that I'm saying that's all our friendship is based on, but it does make me think a little bit. It also makes me wonder how our relationship is going to change once the weight loss is really dramatic. Hopefully it won't, but I'm starting to get a little worried. I guess we'll see.
Fat Friend Phenomena
She never did it again.
Even when I tell her that I don't need any she will say "everyone needs a little bit" and then pawn it off on everyone else. I don't *think* she's trying to sabotage me but she's weird sometimes so who knows.
I lost my best friend due to my losing weight. We grew up together and I was always the fatter one although she was chubby, I was morbidly obese. When I started losing weight, it became tougher and tougher for me to maintain our relationship because she pulled away. Finally, I gave up.
