I was just walking into work when I ran into a colleague. I don't know her very well - she's only recently started working here. In one of the first conversations we ever had, she asked me if I was married and had children - I didn't feel that it was intrusive, it was a just a "getting to know you" conversation.
This morning, we were talking about one of our students who is 6 months pregnant (we teach at a university). From there, my colleague proceeded to tell me how big a person feels at 9 months pregant and that "You'll find out one day." When I told her that I don't know if I ever want kids - I'm 32 and single, which she knows - she said to me, "Oh, you're young, you have plenty of time to change your mind," in a tone of voice that made it clear that she thought I would of course one day want kids, and I was crazy if I didn't.
I felt this was kind of dismissive and patronizing. I just kind of chuckled, because I didn't really know what to say. I mean, I get that children are great and all, but I've made it this far without a ticking biological clock and I'm doing OK. I have nephews that I love, but I am VERY happy to give them back to my sister when the time comes.
It's possible I'm so confused by this because this is one of the first times this has happened. I don't get any child pressure from my family, which I am very thankful for.
What would you have said or done? I'm not angry with her, but I do really wish she would have considered my point of view.
Baby conversations are always weird. I am also someone who doesn't feel that they ever want to have children and people always look at you like you are crazy or dismiss it as "Oh you're still young, you'll change your mind." I get that a lot.
And I don't feel I need to justify my reasons so I just nod politely and say "hey, no one ever knows what will change."
Or to some of the more persistant people "There really are just too many people on this planet, we don't need anymore" lol
With this comment I usually get the chuckle and "oh you"... but in the back on their minds they don't know if I am being honest about it or not. Hey, I don't really care what they think as long as they stop talking to me about it.
I have my own reasons for not wanting children and you have your own reason for wanting children, why does that make me the crazy or weird one??
Immediately change the subject back to work related. Don't get into the habit of talking about your personal life with co-workers, then they won't expect you and most won't offer up advice. When they do, just sort of shrug it off and change the subject.
Some people believe you have to have a child to be complete, then those people who have 1 child are told that 1 isn't good, they should have 2. Those that have 3 are told they have too many. (I mean what are they supposed to do-give one back?) Etc, people have an opinion about everything and are more then happy to share it with anyone who will listen.
That IS patronizing. I have a 4 month old and I would never dare say that to someone - quite frankly, at 32, many people are well aware of what they want in life.
I belong to a baby website and a lot of mothers seem to have the same attitude as your coworker. Nothing you can do can change their consideration of your view - they are so absorbed in what they believe that they just can't conceive of a life without children.
If I was you, I would either ignore it or I would have said "I'm confident in my life decisions", something along that line. Either way, she shouldn't really say that anyways.
I probably would have smiled and said something like I don't need a child to have a complete life and I'd rather keep my vag in tact thank you very much!
Ignore her- I have friends who don't want kids and I never say "one day you will change your mind" unless they are 21 and are talking about getting snipped or something.
At your age, this WILL keep happening to you... if you let it. I got that 'you dont know what your taking about, you'll change our mind' till I was 40+!
The problem was that you replied to her statement of, 'one day, you'll know'.
I'd have let it drop there. But you went on to tell this 'nobody' your very personal opinion on having children, which opened the door to her next statement of 'you'll change your mind'...
Once you state your very personal opinions, other people feel free to state theirs.
I just ignore the 'nobodys'. On about everything. You'll feel much better
I wonder if her statement wasn't predicated on the fact that you said "I'm not sure if..." rather than "I've decided not to...". You implied indecision on the topic, and she responded to that by saying that you had plenty of time still to make the decision.
Of course, I didn't hear her tone, so I'm not sure how much that played into it.
In general, such comments from me get a "Hmm, interesting" type neutral response.
I learned long ago that I can't predict what others will do, and I try to keep that in mind when certain topics come up.
I was ttc for 2 years and went through 3 miscarriages before having my second child. In my thirties and women EVERYWHERE were asking me when I was going to have another, time was running out, you name it.
Most of these conversations had me in tears! They didn't know how hard we were trying or how heartbreaking my losses were. And since they didn't know me well, they had no idea what I had been going through, and it made the tears even more awkward and embarrassing.
People's fertility is NO one else's business, no matter what. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you have better luck avoiding her in the future.
You've all given me a lot to think about. The woman really is a nice person - I don't think she was trying to aggravate me, for sure! And, like I said, I'm not angry, more confused and thoughtful. I guess I just have been living in a little bubble where people don't comment on personal decisions and I was taken aback when it happened.
Yeah, I do realize that I said "I don't think . . . " rather than something stronger. I also see now that, when the topic strayed onto personal territory, I let it stay there. I was just so surprised by her statement, implying that children were a given in my future. In this day and age, that seems so presumptuous.
So THIS is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my 30s?
Thank for giving me some suggestions/ideas for next time. The forewarned is forearmed, I suppose!
I married my dh 9 weeks ago. Despite the fact that I already have two children - his are teenagers (the eldest is an adult himself), and we are 37 and 42 respectively, we still have been asked if we are planning on having one of our own.
Some people just don't know when to mind their own.
Truth is, that the majority of people do want kids, so while not wanting them doesn't make you weird, it does make you a minority and more unusual.
You'll need to learn how to turn the subject away so they don't make a fuss about it.
I got it all through my 30's and early 40's. It was worse at church. There was one lady who felt it was her business to make sure we reproduced. I tried being nice and explaining it wasn't our plans until she told me to my face that I was just lazy, God wanted me to have children and we should have sex more often. She lectured me for over 15 minutes about how bad I was for not having children. I was furious.
I went to the pastor's wife and explained the conversation and said very loudly about how it was no one's business what my husband and I do in the bedroom, if God wanted me to have a child, no amount of birth control would stop it from happening and I was tired of the old people thinking it was their business to talk about our sex lives. Please could you ask them to stop asking me about children? Loudly so everyone could hear. Gee, you know we never were asked that question again. and it helped other couples who hadn't had children. It was a taboo question from then on-nobody was questioned about their children plans afterwards.
So develop a thick skin and find a way to change the subject.
Sometimes women use motherhood and children as a way to connect to other women for friendship or camaraderie. The things she says are a reflection on her, not on you KWIM?
Weird baby conversation with co-worker
