Faith Based Support Groups - Nice Clean Jokes




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Bootsie
09-23-2010, 11:21 PM
Does any one know any nice clean jokes, my husband is turning 60 and was wondering if any knew any nice clean jokes. Need them as soon as possible so i could write them up for this Saturday. Thanks!


EZMONEY
09-24-2010, 01:06 AM
Here are some I found online BOOTSIE ~

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

EZMONEY
09-24-2010, 01:11 AM
One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college..

... his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."


Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"


He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"


"Yes," she replied.


"Can you tell me which way it went?"


She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."


EZMONEY
09-24-2010, 10:41 AM
Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.
He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'

lauralyn
09-24-2010, 11:53 AM
Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.
He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'

:lol3: Bless their little hearts, that is a good one.

Bootsie
09-24-2010, 02:35 PM
Thanks Gary! This is a good thread just to keep open to give everyone a free face lift! I just got one!

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:01 PM
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

Now there's a father that isn't home enuff ...

--------------------------------------------

ADAM & EVE ...

One Day in the Garden of Eden, God came to Adam and said; "Adam I have made something wonderful for you, the best yet."

Adam replied; "Wow what could be better then all this" pointing around the garden.

God told Adam, "What I have made is soft, yet nearly indestructable. It smells great, and has a soft voice, much softer than yours. I call this one 'Woman'.

She is gentle, and kind. She will be the hardest worker you have even seen. She will be your loyal companion, never complaining, always helping you. She will cook for you, clean for you, and take care of all your physical needs, daily. And she will do all this, without being asked."

Adam responded; "WOW, that sounds like it cost alot."

God said; "It does, it cost an arm and a leg."

Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

and the rest is history........

------------------------------------

As My Memory fails ...

An 80 year old couple were watching TV one night. The old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen. You want anything?"

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Your memories not so good anymore. Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember a simple thing like that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. And I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment then says, "You forgot my toast."

------------------------------------

These came from a little book called "101 Fast & Funny Food Jokes". Some of them are pretty corny (no pun intended); but some are kinda cute. I thought I'd share a few of them with you as they have to do with food and are especially good for the KIDDIES ...

1 -- What kind of food luvs money? ... A DOUGH-nut!

2 -- What did the hamburger say to the pickle? ... You are DILL-icious!

3 -- What kind of jokes do veggies like best? ... CORNEY ones, of course!

4 -- What is a vampire's favorite snack? ... NECK-tarines!

5 -- What is a witch's favorite dish? ... GHOULASH!

6 -- Why won't vampires eat Sirloins or T-bones? ...
cuz they want to stay away from any STAKES!

7 -- What are special days at Foodland? ... FRYDAYS and SUNDAES!

8 -- How does a hungry man eat a hot dog? ... With RELISH!

9 -- How would you recognize a vampire in the meat market? ... He's the one with the CAPE-ON?

10 -- How does a turkey eat a hamburger? ... He gobbles it!

11 -- How do you make a raspberry swirl? ... Send it to ballet school!

12 -- What kind of fruit is on a nickel? ... A date!

13 -- Why did the audience throw eggs at the bad actor? ... Cuz hams and eggs go well together!

14 -- Why did the donut shop close up early? ...
Cuz it was tired of the HOLE business!

15 -- Which food makes the best music? ... The BEET!

16 -- Why do so many people like hamburger joints?
Cuz it's a great MEATING place!

17 -- Why wouldn't the lemon loan the orange any money? ... He didn't want their friendship to sour!

18 -- Which comedian would make a terrible cook? ... George BURNS!

19 -- Why is a pizza joint the best business? ...
Cuz you can make lots of DOUGH!

20-- Why did the jelly roll? Cuz he was in love with Apple Turnover!

21 -- Which president loved hot dogs? ... Franklin D. ROLLS-evelt!

22 -- Where do hamburgers like to dance? ... At a MEAT- BALL!

23 -- Why do chefs have to be tough? ... To MASH the potatoes, WHIP the cream, and BEAT the eggs!

24 -- What kind of foods stick together? ... Staple Foods!

25 -- What has a thousand ears, but can't hear a thing? ... A cornfield!

26 -- What happened to the cat when he ate a lemon? ...
He became a SOUR-PUSS!

27 -- Who has a corner on the spice market? ...
Rosemary, Sage, and Thyme!

28 -- Which foods are best for young people? ... PRO-TEENS!

29 -- Which foods get to go to the best schools? ... Grade "A" Foods!

30 -- Spinach made Popeye's arms strong, but what made his knees weak? ... Olive OIL, of course!

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:05 PM
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. Don't worry about major purchases now, cuz you won't live
long enough to pay them off anyways! (tsk, tsk)

20. You can't remember who sent you this list .


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Pass this on to everyone you can remember.
__________________

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:09 PM
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?


"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.


No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.


"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.


The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (Hey, I wanna be a snail).


Almonds are a member of the peach family.


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.


Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.


The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.


There are more chickens than people in the world.


Women blink nearly twice as much as men.


Now you know everything!

__________________

Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here, we might as well dance!

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:13 PM
ACTS 2:38 ...

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled ...

Stop! ACTS ~ 2:38

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar ...

Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.


SCRIPTURE???

replied the burglar,

She said she had an AX and two 38's!

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:16 PM
*** 3 naked men in a sauna ***
_____________________________


An American, a Japanese man and and Irishman.

Suddenly there's a beeping noise. The American touches his arm and says "it's my pager, I have a microchip under my skin."

Then there's a ringing sound. The Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear and says "it's my phone. I have a microchip in my palm."

The Irishman, feeling very low tech, goes off to the toilet and returns with a length of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

"Oh, would ye look at that now -- I'm getting me a fax."

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:25 PM
*** AIRPLANE TROUBLES ***

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


**************

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:31 PM
NORTHERN ADVENTURE:

Two guys were out hiking in the bush
when they came face to face with a bear,
which immediately started chasing them.

So, they run as fast as they can; but,
after a little ways, one guy stops to
change from his hiking boots into his
running shoes, while the other guy
looks on in amazement.

His friend screams at him, "I don't
know why you are bothering to change
your shoes ... 'cause you can't out-
run a bear, anyways!"

The other guy replies, "Oh, I'm not
trying to out-run the BEAR -- I
just wanna out-run ... Y O U !"

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:38 PM
Forgiving your enemies ...
_______________________________

'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:


'Because I outlived them all!'

Justwant2Bhealthy
09-24-2010, 09:42 PM
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
__________________

Exaggerated expectations often eclipse exceptional realizations

Bootsie
09-25-2010, 07:15 AM
Roping a Deer, Author unknown (actual letter from a farmer)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true, so help me God... An Educated Rancher