100 lb. Club - another family and food issue




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time2lose
09-21-2010, 08:31 AM
My daughter and granddaughter are here to visit for a few days. Last night my daughter complained that there was not any snack (translation: junk) food in the house. She wanted the Little Debbie Zebra snack cakes that I used to buy when she was growing up. In retrospect, I did not handle it well. There is plenty of good food in the house so I should have just ignored the comments.

Anyway, I kept the baby while she went out with old friends last night. She was planning on stopping by the grocery store on the way home to pick up a couple of items for the baby so I told her to get some money out of my purse and buy the Little Debbie cakes while she was there. I wanted her to enjoy her visit. I did not tell her how much money to get or specify "Get 1 box of cakes."

When she got home, it turned out that she had taken $25. She came home with 2 packages of cookies and 4 Extra large boxes of Little Debbie cakes. I got so upset.

We have 2 grown sons living with us. One has an extreme weight problem, Biggest Loser type problem. I am very concerned about his health. The other has put on 40 pounds in the past 2 years and has started working on getting it off. I don't buy junk that I think will hurt them. Gone are the soft drinks and Little Debbie type foods. They can buy it themselves if they want it. I am seeing improvement in the way they eat. Oh yeah, she forgot to buy the carrots and grapes her brother asked her to pick up.

The question is, what should I do now?? This morning I gather up the unopened items, one of the bags of cookies and two boxes of Little Debbies. They are in my trunk. I am considering

1 - giving them away at work
2 - throwing them in the dumpster at work
3 - leaving them in the trunk and giving them to the daughter to take home

Tonight I think that I am going to try to explain to my daughter why I am so upset. I will appreciate input from everyone, but especially from 20-somethings that can identify with my daughter. BTW, my daughter needs to lose about 40 pounds herself. I never say anything about any of their weight because I don't think it helps anything.

Thanks!


Rosinante
09-21-2010, 08:40 AM
Ouch.

OK: never had kids, not twentysomething but my take: Option 3, give them to her to take home. I know she bought them with your money but to toss them or give them away would feel like tossing her away, somehow.

If you can, try and not be upset when you talk to your daughter tonight. Be calm, and explain that, for your health's reasons you don't eat that kind of stuff any more and that you don't keep it in the house. Ask her to help you, by not having/moaning about not having this stuff in the house, even on her visits. Tell her you love her to bits - and will she please help you on this.

Don't mention her weightDon't mention her weightDon't mentionherweight! She's old enough to make her choices, she might feel bad about her weight, any nod in that direction is just going to send her off the deep end.

(BTW, $25 on cakes?!? Wow, I didn't know we had a millionaire here among us! ;D )

winning the war
09-21-2010, 08:57 AM
I agree with option 3. However, she really shouldn't have taken that much money or bought that much junk with money that wasn't hers. IMO, that's taking advantage of others' generosity. Personally, I think you're handling things very well and leading by example. Good luck to you and your family!


Scilla
09-21-2010, 08:57 AM
I'm 20something and I cant relate to her. She should of had RESPECT for you in your house. Rules are rules, despite if you move out or not. I would of never disrespected my mom like that. Or spend that much on crap! I am so sorry for you havin to deal w.that....

kateleestar
09-21-2010, 09:09 AM
I also don't have kids... And, not to sound.. harsh.. But I can say what I would have done. I wouldn't have given her any money. If she wants that stuff, she can buy it herself. If you don't allow other kids, and yourself to eat it because its "bad"... why would you want your daughter to eat it? And I would pass them out at work, not give them to her to take... And don't throw them away. At the very least, drop them off at a soup kitchen! That's what I did when we "cleaned" our house of bad food things, they were VERY happy! :)

Good luck! :D

mkat321
09-21-2010, 09:12 AM
I'm 32, and totally can't relate to your daughter. Of course with our family the tables are reversed, I bring healthy food when I come to visit and my dad {and mom too when she was alive} intentionally have my kids favorite junk foods waiting.

I will say this much, I would have been made to return the unopened packages and bring the return receipt and the money, and that is what I will require of my children should something similar happen when they're teens/adults. $5 would have been more than sufficient. Or even $1 to buy a 2 pack at the gas station. $25 to me seems to be defiance of the sort my friends and I pulled in our jr/sr years of high school.

Terre
09-21-2010, 09:15 AM
I am not in my 20's but I do have an 18 year old. My daughter doesn't expect that because we eat a certain way and she knows when she is here that she eats the way we eat. If she wants something else she knows she can buy it with her own money and eat it somewhere else.

Also, there are alot of ways to make healthier junk food.
My hubby has a major sweet tooth.

I take chocolate rice cakes and frozen yogurt and make mini ice cream sandwiches for him and the kids. Or Fat free graham crackers with fat free cool whip and freeze.
You can do many things. Just let her know what is acceptable and what is not. She needs to know what she did was not ok. And out of respect to all of you that live there it wont happen again.

Annita
09-21-2010, 09:25 AM
I totally agree with Scilla.
You can just tell her that in this house we don't eat that much, so you should never bring too many junk in the house. once in a while, 1 normal cake for a treat is enough for the whole family, you don't need 4 normal cakes, not alone extra large one. One person should not eat half of the extra large cake by himself. (4 cakes / 6 people - if i count right).

About the rest of the cake, I wouldn't want my daughter to bring them home, so just don't mention anything and later bring them to the office unless she wants to take them home.

evilwomaniamshe
09-21-2010, 09:43 AM
Shame on her, coming to visit for a few days & blowing your $25 on 6 boxes of sweets, hmmmmm... do you think perhaps she is a binge eater? I think a mother/daughter chat is in order, talk it out, let her know how disappointed you are etc.

Kae
09-21-2010, 10:02 AM
Yikes. I'm 20something and I can relate to her in that I've purchased large amounts of junk food and consumed them at once. However, taking $26 and buying that much with someone else's money is a bit crazy. I'd say they're your cakes because you bought them so do what you feel is best. I don't think it is a bad idea to leave them in the trunk and send them home with her.

Beverlyjoy
09-21-2010, 10:03 AM
Gosh...this is a tough situation. Sounds like your daughter is like all of us at certain times of our lives - driven my food/sweets/goodies. Also - the memories of certain foods being around like when she was growing up.

I think it's fair to tell her that you just can't keep those goodies around because of your health and it's just too tempting. I start these kinds of discussions with: "it would be so helpful to me if you....." (keep these in my trunk, or keep them out of sight, whatever would work

You might tell her that it kind of schocked you that she brought home so much. - if that feels right. One little treat was your intention (with no leftovers) - not boxes of them.


Sorry to have to face this.

time2lose
09-21-2010, 10:43 AM
Thank you everyone for your input. I am leaning towards giving it to her to take home. I think that I am going to try to have a calm talk. Tell her how genuinely sorry I am for the junk I gave them when they were growing up and how I have changed. How I am concerned about all of our health and don't want to be a bad influence any long. Basically, just speak from the heart, not condemning her, but expressing how concerned I am for the family as a whole.

We are planning on watching Biggest Loser together tonight so it may help with the conversation.

JayEll
09-21-2010, 11:04 AM
Do you have the receipt? Take the unopened packages back to the store and get your money back! It's ridiculous that she would have bought that much junk. Weight issue or no weight issue, she just went over the top on that.

Jay

shannonmb
09-21-2010, 11:04 AM
I can understand why some of the posters are a little miffed by what your daughter did, but I can sorta see where she's coming from.

This is no judgement on you, mama, but I'm sure you showed your kiddos a lot of love with food when they were little. I know my gramma (who has passed but who I pretty much loved more than anyone in the world) always did the same, not out of anything except not knowing better and truly wanting me to feel comfy/cozy/loved. I know she is one of the reasons why something warm and fattening has always been like a big hug to me. I'm working on that, and as I work through "food is not love", there is nothing about my gramma's actions that make me angry toward her. She gave me love the best way she knew how.

Your daughter came home, and I'm sure thoughts of mama's love and baked goods was what she was expecting to soothe the pressures of the outside world and all the challenges of being a grown-up and an adult. So she just went for what she knows. It may seem a little selfish, but I get the feeling YOU are the one who is trying to change the rules here, and she's just being thrown for a loop.

The reasons you are changing the rules are valid and are for SURE the way to show real love, wanting your flock to be healthy and happy, and you are doing the very BEST by leading by example!!!! Now it's definitely time to have that talk, a real heart to heart. Maybe you'll even be able to inspire her to want more for herself, without being a nag. :hug:

time2lose
09-21-2010, 11:09 AM
This is no judgement on you, mama, but I'm sure you showed your kiddos a lot of love with food when they were little.

Your daughter came home, and I'm sure thoughts of mama's love and baked goods was what she was expecting to soothe the pressures of the outside world and all the challenges of being a grown-up and an adult.

I think this was part of it too. She fondly remembers Little Debbie's Zebra cakes. I understood and thought that one box would be OK. They would have all had one package with 2 cakes. I was just shocked at the amount of junk she bought. Even at my worst, I did not buy in that volume.

Like someone else above posted, it made me wonder if she has become a binge eater.

Coondocks
09-21-2010, 11:24 AM
My disbelief comes in on the sheer amount that she took to buy it. Seriously? $25 of junkfood from your mothers purse while visiting HER house.
No. Not acceptable.

I don't care if she is used to things a certain way, if she wants 'memories' of child hood or comfort . . . unless I'm reading things wrong - she doesn't live there anymore. if she wants junk food and sweets, fine, have them at her own house.
I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around why a grown adult felt it was ok to take that much money from a parent to by crap. It really sounds like she was having a tantrum and 'getting back' at you for not having those things by getting them in excess. It's silly.

I'm sorry if I offend, it's not meant to

time2lose
09-21-2010, 12:17 PM
I don't care if she is used to things a certain way, if she wants 'memories' of child hood or comfort . . . unless I'm reading things wrong - she doesn't live there anymore. if she wants junk food and sweets, fine, have them at her own house.
I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around why a grown adult felt it was ok to take that much money from a parent to by crap. It really sounds like she was having a tantrum and 'getting back' at you for not having those things by getting them in excess. It's silly.

I'm sorry if I offend, it's not meant to

Not offended at all, I asked for input. I don't think that she was having a tantrum but I think that she was taking advantage of me. I learned a lesson with this too, clearly define what I am willing to buy.

Eliana
09-21-2010, 12:20 PM
35 here. ;)

I get where your daughter is coming from. She has every right to ask where are the _____'s I remember growing up, but you have every right to counter with the fact that you no longer eat that way.

I feel like your daughter is missing some social cues on this one. When I moved out, my mom immediately stopped feeding me...which is weird...but I figured it out pretty quick. I read her cues when I visited and it became obvious she didn't want to feed me and my family, so I started bringing my own food. (She's an hour away...so we have to eat) Again, pretty strange, but it's my mom's house and I have to be respectful of her money and her food. With her, I think it's more OCD related...she shops once a week, period, and she knows exactly how much they will consume in that amount of time. Ok...that's her system and I don't fit into it. Got it.

As to what to do with the food, I think I'd chuck it if I didn't have a receipt. Or donate it to a daycare, though I don't advocate loading the babies up with sugar either. ;)

calluna
09-21-2010, 01:23 PM
I think your lessons learned are some good ones, Cheryl, but I have to agree with several others about manners. Your daughter could have demonstrated better judgment all the way around, from the griping to the amount she took, and I think I would call her on it if she were my daughter.

Kids...you never know what they're going to do! :hug:

Coondocks
09-21-2010, 02:57 PM
Not offended at all, I asked for input. I don't think that she was having a tantrum but I think that she was taking advantage of me. I learned a lesson with this too, clearly define what I am willing to buy.

Im glad I didn't offend you, it really wasn't meant to. I don't think tantrum was the right word but I can't think of anything to describe what I mean lol.
Kind of a sibling rivalry/jealousy/resentment thing. She, I'm sure, realizes she needs to get healthier etc, and for me growing up as an overweight kid/teen I would have been upset if my parent(s) had decided to change eating habits and focus on health after I had left. Particularly if I had a sibling still living in the house who's health they seemed to be more conserned with.
Obviously that's not the case, you're always going to be concerned with your kids health regardless of how old they are, where they live . . you're a mom :)
I just mean could she be rebelling in a sense because she sees you making this effort and thinks that you didn't care to do so when she was living with you? Though I still can't wrap my head around taking $25 from your purse for cakes . . . I just couldnt do it

That sounds so mean, I hope it doesn't come off wrong :o

ubergirl
09-21-2010, 10:16 PM
Well, I'd be likely to take a soft line here.

I have had that experience of telling my kids (teens) to take money from my purse to buy something-- for example, I tell them to go to Dairy Queen for an ice cream-- I'm thinking a small cone each and they end up buying large shakes and cheeseburgers and stuff. I eventually realized that I had to be VERY SPECIFIC and tell them what my expectations were. Now granted, they're younger, but still...

I think your best bet is to be TOTALLY non-judgemental. Just tell her that you don't want the stuff around as it is not good for YOU to eat it, and then give it back....

Next time, though, I would remind you that she does not need to come to your house to eat zebra cakes, and if she complains about the food you have, I would just say "that's all I keep here, but you are welcome to bring food with you next time."

She has got to figure out her own food rules for herself and NOTHING you say will change that....

shcirerf
09-21-2010, 10:53 PM
Just my own opinion, so take it for what it's worth, no offense intended. But, I think it was very rude and disrespectful.

However, my Mother has and still is battling extreme obesity, and now non insulin dependent diabetic, and one of my Grandmothers has horrid food allergies that cause migraines, and I can't eat chocolate due to allergies. All the rest of the family knows these things, and we are respectful and accomodating of each other.

As far as the purse goes, NO ONE gets in my purse for ANYTHING! My husband of 33 years won't touch the thing. If he wants something out of it, he will bring it to me and ask me to get it for him. It's a RULE! No one TOUCHES MOM'S PURSE! You'd thing it was wired to 220 volts of electricity. LOL.

moonkissed
09-21-2010, 11:15 PM
I found this thread very interesting.

People are different, some people would never let anyone touch their purse and others could care less. And to some taking $25 and spending it on cakes would seem nutty and to others just not a big deal. So I just don't think either of those two issues really matter here.

I actually wouldn't say anything to your daughter about it. I think it is one of those very small things where even though it ofcourse upset you, it was not meant to. and could turn into a big mess of hurt feelings.

I think if I were the daughter and had done that and my mom even trying to be kind came to me. No matter how well she put it, I would feel like a huge fat mess and omg everyone thinks that now. Hurt feelings all over.

I think it would just be better to send them with the daughter and next time make sure not to do that again and also to have lots of interesting new snacks planned to build new memories on and be healthier.

time2lose
09-22-2010, 09:13 AM
Thank you everyone for the input. It has really helped me to both vent and hear others' opinion.

I tried to take the approach Uber and others suggested, a non-judgmental soft approach. I think it went pretty well.

I brought it up while we were watching Biggest Loser last night. We talked about those sweet treats and how they start me craving more and more. She immediately told me that she surprised herself getting so much and she apologized. I felt like she really was sincere and thought that she had gone too far. We had a nice conversation about how I gave them too much junk when they were growing up and I told her how sorry I am. We had a good overall conversation about food and the effects of obesity and how it limited my life. She shared her struggles.

Overall I think that it was a good conversation that cleared the air and maybe even provided some good mother - adult daughter bonding.

She is taking the junk home but says that she can spread it out over a long time. I told her that I couldn't, it would be gone in a couple of days if I got into it!

Rosinante
09-22-2010, 09:52 AM
Outstanding! You must have been so dreading the meeting but it sounds like you handled it perfectly!

shannonmb
09-22-2010, 01:10 PM
I agree that you handled it perfectly! Good for you!

DaughterOfVenus
09-22-2010, 03:52 PM
I'm 23, go and visit my mother somewhat frequently and would NEVER. EVER. EVER! act like that!!!!!

Even when I wasn't "dieting," when I went to someone else's house, whether it be my mother, friend, grandmother, WHATEVER, I ate according to the household, and if I wanted something else, I'd wait till I got home or buy it myself. That was extremely rude. Extremely.

The only time I made special requests were when I was vegan, and I'd usually bring something with me, or in the case of my mother I'd mention things I'd love to have when I come over, but I wouldn't whine or make her feel badly, or take advantage of her when she went shopping.

That was extremely inappropriate and immature. I don't mean to talk badly about your daughter, but at the same time, trying to say "Oh well she's only a twenty something," makes me like *pukey face.*

jkinboston89
09-22-2010, 05:28 PM
I just wanted to say that I think you handled it VERY tactfully and your daughter is lucky to have a mother who is so careful about unintentionally saying hurtful things to her children. When I was younger my mother was very harsh about my weight and to this day she is, in general.. difficult? Anyway, the idea of a mom asking others for advice and putting so much time into not say something to hurt her daughter seriously brings tears! :) Great job!

I know this sounds corny but it just kind of struck a nerve hehe.