Lighten Up! - Maxi Pad




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Joplin
09-15-2010, 10:18 PM
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons


chickybird
09-15-2010, 10:32 PM
lol!!!!! Thank you!

spixiet
09-15-2010, 11:06 PM
fantastic:D


AR4life
09-16-2010, 12:37 AM
lol...... that hit the spot ;)

Shopaholic1204
09-16-2010, 01:25 AM
LMFAO!!!! Priceless!!

WillsAngel
09-17-2010, 11:20 AM
No lie, I am sitting here dreading going to work in two hours because my General Manager is the first person on my Homicidal Rampage list!! And while I realize that it is only my hormones rebelling.....there is still that chance that I will go off the deep end today. Thank you for that letter, so so much.

SeaWave
09-17-2010, 11:34 AM
You are TOO FUNNY! You should write a blog... regularly, to keep us laughing!

katy trail
09-17-2010, 11:44 AM
haha! hilarious! still really glad i dont have my TOM anymore. thank you depo shot and implanon. i dont ever miss it.

CanadianCutie
09-18-2010, 04:28 AM
I remember printing this out for a professor I had in college who had a great sense of humor. He was practically in tears reading it.

ANOther
09-23-2010, 05:44 PM
I remember I posted it here a couple of years ago! Still funny

want2bfit4me
09-26-2010, 12:43 PM
Thanks for making me laugh today. That was hilarious.

PJay
11-12-2010, 07:56 AM
LMAO!!!!:dizzy: