100 lb. Club - can anyone relate? Im lost...

View Full Version : can anyone relate? Im lost...

09-15-2010, 04:53 PM
My hubby really hasnt been all that supportive on my wls journey. He's not mean, just doesnt like it. Says he liked me just fine the way the way I was. Now Im just totally lost... in whatever marriage this is becoming. Hes distant, isnt affectionate with me, bed room? Haha not happening past few weeks. He told me to go to bed instead of trying to be with him the other night. Maybe tmi, sorry... Im just feeling so rejected and lonely I cant stand it. Am I that repulsive? like no matter where i go and what i do in life i never please anyone. Im just hurt. We've been married 9yrs.

09-15-2010, 05:00 PM
Hi there! First off, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. i too went through the same thing. At first, he wanted me to lose weight b/c he was "ashamed" of me, and then when I lost weight, he always put me down. We ended up divorcing b/c he cheated and was being abusive. Even now when he sees me he tells me I'm too thin and I look sick all the time. I've decided to say "fo'get about em'" He's just insecure, and shallow. I got out of the rut I was in. But that was my story. If you can't talk to him about it, or you have talked to him, I think you should still continue on your journey especially b/c you have come so far. I bet he's just feeling insecure too. He's afraid you won't want him anymore, or you will lose interest in him so he's shutting down before you can. I found out that's what my ex husband was feeling. In the end, he ended up re-marrying an overweight girl. I hope you will get through this. And again, i'm sorry. :(

09-15-2010, 05:14 PM
I think you’ll find that there are others who can relate to your situation. And first of all, let me say, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and experiencing this…I know it’s tough.

A lot of men feel threatened when “their” women lose weight. I think this stems from the common misconception that women lose weight for other people. So your husband might be thinking, “If I like her the way she is, why is she changing herself? Who is she trying to look good for or where is she going?” Also, he might be concerned that you will be drawing more of a certain type of attention to yourself by losing weight and this makes him feel insecure (what if you find something better?) Also, he might just be feeling plain left out. Serious weight loss is a very personal thing…you are thinking about a lot of things that don’t involve him, you’re doing a lot of things that don’t involve him, you’re making changes that he didn’t necessarily “approve” of…he might be wondering where he fits into this whole thing.

My last serious boyfriend preferred thicker women and started making a lot of disapproving remarks as I lost more and more weight. It started getting to me…did he only like me for my body type or frame? Was he not attracted to me at all anymore? Finally, I just had a serious talk with him. I explained that losing the weight made me feel so much better and happier and healthier. And pointed out that the happier I was with myself, the better my attitude and mood was overall, which directly affected him. Try explaining to your hubby the reasons for your weight loss (try to avoid any of the superficial ones) and then just mention that he’s making you feel rejected and lost and lonely.

Good luck.

09-15-2010, 05:18 PM
First off, I'm sorry that he's not being supportive to you. I agree that a lot might be attributed to his own insecurities. Don't sacrifice yourself and your journey because of him or his actions. If I were in your shoes, I'd try finding someone to talk to (counsellor, clergy, etc.) together and separately to get to the root of the feelings you both have in the relationship.

09-15-2010, 05:19 PM
He married an over weight woman before me, Im the second. He knows how I feel, Im not one to be silent about something if it upsets me. Im not the one whos ever cheated... always been the recipiant of that sceneario. It just saddens me that I get more attention from strangers. I might seek counsouling for this, cause I cant stand it. Im too young to say ya this is life!!!

09-15-2010, 05:34 PM
I would strongly suggest counseling. It sounds like maybe he is insecure, but whatever the underlying problems are, they can be detrimental to your relationship. If talking about it hasn't made it better...seek help. Sometimes a 3rd parties feedback sheds a new light on things.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it has to be hard. I really hope you can work it out. :) Hugs!

09-15-2010, 09:41 PM
Hi Scilla:

I'm sad to hear about your situation but then I looked at your weight loss success and WOW - you have done an amazing job and you should be very proud of yourself!

Aside from him - just think of how much better your health is!!! I can't wait to have the kind of success that you have. Don't let him take away from your tremendous accomplishment.

You are an inspiration and he should be happy for you.

09-15-2010, 09:51 PM
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know that lonely feeling. I really don't have anything to add other than that counseling sounds like a good idea. I just wanted to let you know that you have people here for you and you really aren't alone.
I wish you all the best. Keep us updated if you can. :hug:

09-16-2010, 12:22 AM
Considering that you have lost almost a 100 lbs he should be congratulating you on your hard work and perseverence! I think what a lot of others have said is probably right, he is feeling insecure and thinking you are losing weight for another guy. I think counselling is a great idea, if he won't go you still go by yourself. When my husband and I were talking about my potentially having weight loss surgery do you know what he was concerned about? having saggy breasts or no breasts and having a lot of loose skin and I'd have to have plastic surgery. Can you believe it?

09-16-2010, 12:04 PM
Counseling sounds like a good idea. I am sorry you're not getting support. My husband did something similar... told me he wasn't attracted to skinny women, told me I was losing too much, started sneaking butter into my food and leaving bags of candy on my laptop. We are not partners anymore and there seems to be no fixing it, but do try counseling. Don't let it derail your efforts for better health.

09-17-2010, 09:56 AM
Last night he made a genuine effort to cuddle me cause I didnt feel good. He made the comment I was so small he could wrap one arm all the way around my chest and one around my waist then he smiled. Well duh, i have no boobs, or much of a gut. He held me for quite a while, I want things to work when hes like that. When hes being a douche icould sign papers quick.

Maybe our age diff is catchin up too. Im 28 hes almost 36. Idk, just another idea.

Lori Bell
09-17-2010, 11:11 AM
Have you ever thought of having a private detective follow him for a few days? I'm not saying he is...but my gut says he sure might be.

Why did he break up with wife #1?

Goddess Jessica
09-17-2010, 01:18 PM
I highly recommend couples' counseling. I agree that it's perfectly reasonable for you to lose weight for your health and if he can't deal with that then that's his problem. *However,* I am always surprised how counseling can help put things in perspective and allow each other to explore some of the emotional baggage that causes us to act in the ways we do. My cute boyfriend and I went to counseling for a few months to get at the heart of some financial problems we were having. I was fed up and frustrated when I went but when I came out, I had a better perspective but *more importantly* a better way of handling the situation.

Now, that said, some men won't go to counseling. If that's true, I would seek it individually. Having an outside perspective to the situation can still help immensely.

09-17-2010, 01:21 PM
First off, I'm sorry that he's not being supportive to you. I agree that a lot might be attributed to his own insecurities. Don't sacrifice yourself and your journey because of him or his actions. If I were in your shoes, I'd try finding someone to talk to (counsellor, clergy, etc.) together and separately to get to the root of the feelings you both have in the relationship.