General chatter - Traumatic relationship experiences?




serendipity907
09-11-2010, 06:05 PM
I recently had a semi break up with my boyfriend. He took it incredibly badly, and came around the next day to talk things over properly. We started talking okay, and working out some of the issues, and as I thought we were on the brink of resolving things and being okay again, he had a complete meltdown.

He told me how he had come incredibly close to killing himself the previous night, he couldn't talk or communicate properly and was just shaking/crying for ages. I did my best to comfort, get through to him, but what can you say to someone when they're like that?

He then left abruptly saying that it was over and wouldn't work anymore, when I tried to call him a bit later on he was crying so much i couldn't understand him.
Eventually I persuaded him to go home, mainly wanting him to because I was going out of my mind worrying what he might do.

I spoke to him properly the next day, after he had rested lots and we had a more level headed talk, and now things are kind of getting back to normal... Only I don't know whether this relationship has a future. I like him, and i care about him so much but those 2 days were so traumatic, being the only way I could describe it, I'm not sure I should continue.

Honestly most of the reason I had put off bringing up some of the issues I thought the relationship had, and whether I still wanted to be with him, was because I didn't trust him to keep himself safe.

Now I worry if we get back together properly, and later down the line it ends, or something else bad happens when we're together, he might actually hurt himself, or I'll be worrying if he has etc. No matter how much I mention that he should talk to someone professional or open up to someone more, he never does it, because once he is feeling better he forgets about it all seemingly.

I just don't know whether I can go through with this, the next day on the way to work I was nearly bursting into tears on the bus, feeling like I couldn't face anything.

I know it sounds awful and selfish but I'm already my mums carer, which in itself is an awful lot of stress, maybe I should let this go for my own well being? But then I feel guilty thinking of doing that just based on the fact he has some issues-And don't we all? I really don't know what to do, maybe the whole point of relationships is to stick it out with each other through these things? For the record we've only been together 'officially' 4 months, but have been close for ages.

Sorry for going on for so long, just have no idea what to do for the best...


emaline29
09-11-2010, 06:21 PM
Hi Serendipidy, Well you sound like a very caring person especially as you have your mum to look after.
I'm afraid my advice is to let things go. This is a typical emotional blackmail tantrum and he's seems to be trying to twist you up so you can feel the same way he does. Does he suffer with depression? Think I may well be right. If your feelings for him are such that you are not confident of continuing in a close relationship, far better to let things go now as he will only get worse as time goes by. I'll bet you (if I was a betting person) that he won't do anything to himself as this is his way of getting you back - in more ways than one!!
However, the fact that he won't see anyone such as a counsellor is again very typical of the men in general.
Try not to let him twist you round his little finger. Be more confident of where you are yourself and I am quite sure it will be for the best.
Regards.:)

Nienna
09-11-2010, 06:42 PM
Serendipity,

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. Relationships can be stressful at the best of times, and throwing an emotionally unstable partner into the mix is just overwhelming.

It sounds as though you are already leaning towards letting the relationship go, and, for what it's worth, I do think that would be for the best. As Emaline said, you sound like a very caring person, and it's wonderful that you want to be supportive of those you care about, even in a relatively new relationship. But although we all have our problems, there are some problems that are just so great that they prevent you from having functional relationships, and it sounds as though your semi-boyfriend has such problems. A good relationship is built on trust and respect, and it does not seem as though the bf has much of either (for himself, for you, and for the relationship itself). And as you said yourself, you can't even trust him to keep himself safe.

If the relationship is affecting your own well-being (and it sounds as though it most definitely is), then your first responsibility is to yourself. You are not being selfish; you should be able to have difficult conversations with the people to whom you are close without fear or threats of suicide. You shouldn't have to go through your days fighting tears on your way to work or convincing your boyfriend to get himself help so that he can feel good about himself. You shouldn't be expected to be completely responsible for someone else's happiness.

I think Emaline hit the nail on the head when she said that the bf's breakdown was emotional blackmail. Even if he is not conscious of it, he is being incredibly manipulative. In my experience (broken engagement - long story!), people with such severe problems cannot have healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise) unless and until they deal with their own issues. I think at this point, even if the bf really changed his behavior and got himself some help, the relationship could never feel safe for you again. There would always be that lingering fear that you might say or do the wrong thing and send him spiraling. If he is so unstable that you can't even honestly evaluate whether or not you want to be with him, then you should definitely get out.

Don't feel guilty. Do what's right for you. It's also right for him (but don't tell him that - he'd definitely disagree).

Please feel free to PM me if you need/want to talk more! I hope that you are doing okay.


blueice10
09-11-2010, 07:12 PM
Get out and get out now. My ex-husband did the same thing. Anytime i threatened to leave him he threatened suicide. It was a lie. He just said this to get his way. Maybe your guy doesn't know what he is doing but he might be. If he wants help he can get it somewhere else. Don't become the person i became. It was ****, nine years of ****. That's a long time.:cry:
If he will get help fine, but if not get out. He is responsible for him, NOT you!
Here's a :hug: for you.
Good luck!

mandalinn82
09-11-2010, 07:22 PM
If he is genuinely suicidal, no matter how much you want to take care of him, he needs more help and support than you can possibly give (of the professional variety). And if he is using it as a tool to get you to stay, he ALSO needs more help than you can give. Either way, he needs professionals to manage his situation. So I'd research ways to get him help, provide him with those resources, and see if he goes for them. If he doesn't, honestly, and you believe his threats are credible, I'd call the police the next time he is in that state. They will put him on a 72-hour psych hold to ensure he isn't a danger to himself or others, and they'll ensure he gets appropriately evaluated.

KimL1214
09-11-2010, 07:23 PM
serendipity907~ You need to get away from him. I went through a similar situation as blueice10, and I learned after time, that the suicide threat was a guilt trip. Relationships like this often turn emotionally abusive, and that is not something you need, nor is it ever worth it. My ex did get to a point where I really believed he was considering suicide, and when that happened, I contacted his family. They were able to help him through it, and I would suggest taking the same route with your ex if your concerns continue to grow. This is not something you need in your life, and 4 months is not long enough for him to feel so attached to you that it's you or nothing. Good luck, feel free to shoot me a PM if you need ANYTHING! I spent 3 years going through something similar to you and I wish I had gotten out after for the first episode (which occurred only a couple months in).
~Kim

serendipity907
09-11-2010, 07:40 PM
Thanks so much for the replies and advice.

I'm not sure it's deliberately manipulative, he's always had a very sensitive/emotional side, but i definitely am wondering if my wanting to stay with him is more down to keeping him happy and stable rather than really thinking we have a chance.

I think he may have some kind of depression, from what he's told me before, but it comes and goes. When it's bad he wont talk to anyone, and when he feels better he just feels there's no need cause it's 'over'. But i always know it will come up again eventually.

I feel so guilty thinking of ending it because of how he feels, but I can easily see how it could carry on and get worse and worse. It just feels so unnatural to me to leave someone I care about in a bad place, when I could at least temporarily help.

The timing is awful too, only the weekend before we went out for a meal with some of my family, and they all like him lots, always asking how its going and when I'm seeing him next. I feel like I'll disappoint them by breaking up with him.

I am trying to encourage him to talk to a counselor or at least something like Samaritans, and I'd like to believe he really will, but like Nienna said, I'm not sure I will trust it to all be better after he does in the long haul.

I guess I just really wanted it to work out, feeling really despondent, the guy I knew just seems so far away from what I saw.
A part of me wishes I never said anything to him, but i guess it would have happened eventually...

emaline29
09-12-2010, 09:01 AM
I'm not sure it's deliberately manipulative, he's always had a very sensitive/emotional side, but i definitely am wondering if my wanting to stay with him is more down to keeping him happy and stable rather than really thinking we have a chance. (Quote)

That's exactly the catch! It's never deliberate! That's the way most emotionally challenged people work. Even they don't realise that they are playing a "game" which will automatically turned on and off whenever it suits. There is a book called "I'm Okay, Your Okay" which goes through this sort of game play and it helped me to sort out why I did the things that I did - being a very bad depressive myself.
Serendipity, you have enough to do looking after your mum, surely you don't want to be straddled with someone else who is likley to be up and down all the time like a rollercoaster. If you get sick through having all this strain your mum will suffer too. Never mind that your relatives all thought he was prince charming - YOU are the one who knows him the best. You are entitled to have a life and not feel guilty about someone else's peoblems.
Regards.

RockingBird
09-12-2010, 01:24 PM
God, I HATE that !!
I've had two experiences with that kind of guys.

The first one told me pretty much "Things aren't over for me, I won't leave you alone!" in a kind of threatening way and wouldn't stop calling/texting me with I love you'd and leaving me crying voicemails for EVER! It just makes you.. scared.

Another guy had lied to me, and when I was breaking it off he pretty much told me "He doesn't know what he'd do to himself if I broke up with him." and that "he saw no point in living without me" which REALLY scared me.

It's not a good thing to go through at all!! He NEEDS help.

dragonwoman64
09-12-2010, 01:35 PM
yes, get away from that. When I was in my early 20s I had a friend with a bf who did similar things, tried to OD with pills in the bathroom, etc. You can't solve these problems for him, and actually sometimes a romantic relationship a dynamic can be set up where it can even escalate.

good luck with it, I'm sure it's very upsetting and traumatic for everyone involved.