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Rich2010
09-06-2010, 01:26 AM
Hello!

Apologies this might run long but there's something here for everybody...

I'm hoping some of you reading this will relate and help work me through my dilemma, or suggest another place to seek some guidance and support.

I'm very frustrated. I don't know how to keep going. I feel my wife Penny is in complete denial about her weight issue. Her strategy seems to be a combo deal - don't change anything, combined with, wait to see what happens - that's it. I try to be as understanding and patient as possible - not only to be a kind spouse, but basically past experience has taught me I don't dare bring up the subject - or risk days of resentment, tears and hard feelings.

But first, please don't get me wrong, we're not completely at odds over this - in general we're happy and very committed together. I'm 44 she's 43 - we met at college back in the 80s. We were together for 6 years before getting married and have been now for 16 years. Together we have a vibrant 9 year old daughter - house, 2 dogs and a cat. We rarely fight about anything other than stupid stuff, and we're often complemented by friends as to how strong our relationship seems (in light of their own messes and bad habits)

Penny is 5'4" and by my best guess she weighs anywhere from about 160-180 - of course I wouldn't know exactly cuz those stats are kept top secret - in fact, the actual number is so off limits that even she doesn't really know. The only time she steps on a scale is every couple years when I can convince her to go visit the doc for checkups. Even then, for a long time she'd stand backwards on the scale so she couldn't see the numbers - can you imagine the nurse's surprise? She tells me she doesn't do that anymore but between doc visits she still wouldn't have a clue - she admits her only feedback is how tight her clothes are getting...and honey, that new sweater sure looks super!

I think this is what makes me the most nervous - she doesn't know what's happening. Since she doesn't know, maybe I end up worrying about it for the both of us. I don't want to feel this way. I've watched for years as it slowly happened, all along never allowed to comment or voice any concern.

If I knew she was at least monitoring the issue, I wouldn't worry about every soda she drinks, or every chocolate star she pops into her mouth first thing after a nap, or every white bread mayo bologna double cheeze sandwich she enjoys along with a bowl full of those awesome super crunchy cape cod potato chips...mmmm...and another pop. She wonders why if I love ice cream so much, and it's even 2for1 this week, why I never want her to buy it at the store, bring some home....so the torment of it all is very difficult...

Most disturbing is what her don't ask don't tell policy has done to her confidence. When we moved from MI to FL back in 1991 we were young, one of her first jobs was at a Hooters type place with the baby doll, the dolphin shorts and those old stretchy nylons - so you know where I'm coming from - takes a special girl to pull that off. Even though here we are still in FL 18 years later, now, she basically wears sweaters all year round - it's hot here, why the sweaters? I haven't seen her in a skirt since the late 90s. No more high heels, ever - they're too pointy and hurt her feet. Looking through 10+ years of our family photos, it's uncanny how she's hidden behind something in pretty much each and every shot - or the photos I know should be there, were flat out deleted. We have 16 gigs of pictures and she couldn't find even a single suitable solo profile pic of herself to post on her facebook ...she used one of her dogs instead.

As for our once hot hot hot sex life - well, we may as well be vampires these days because it's never gonna happen while the sun is shining - Lights off, period - average 2-3 times a month - a few years ago I asked her one night why she won't take her standard attire faded black moo moo tshirt off in bed anymore - we literally didn't have sex again for another 14 months. Not in a dick-ish way either, more like help me understand, please. Now, she's most comfortable on the bottom just laying there - if ever I beg my way into switching it up a little, she grunts and groans and complains about her hips as she slings her body over mine - not hot! I'm sad :(

So what can I do? I'm just so bummed. The requirement for me to keep silent is a problem only growing more difficult. History has shown she won't just suddenly convert into awareness one day. I'm so lost about how to even open discussion. And really, what's there to discuss? It isn't my body, only my preference. I can't really insist she lose some weight, "or else" - she's the one who needs to want to improve - something is holding that up.

Tell me I'm not a bad man, for not being totally cool with the way her body is?

Frankly this is **** and I'm tired of feeling so helpless about it anymore - I've stood by and watched as her once neat, slim & beautiful body has become chinned, chubbed, flabbed, and rolled...and based on past results, there's no hope things will ever get better without some sort of intervention...

So please, help me, guide me, coach me, lash me, cuss me - I would appreciate any suggestions that might help effect a change.

Ideally it seems she needs to start being more aware of her weight - what makes a person "want" to do that? Why wouldn't they do that? And is there anything I can do to help things along in a positive direction without being rudely confrontational or insensitive?

She needs to eat healthier food - what makes a person want to cast off the yummy easy food? She's very picky - everything she eats needs to be tasty, full of flavor and perfectly textured...basically all the bad stuff...

She needs to find more joy in exercising instead of it being a chore - praying for rainy days so she doesn't "have to" take the dogs for a walk - only following through cuz she thinks I'm keeping track - what makes a person want to get out and move around?

So that's it - I vented - thanks for reading this far - if I'm totally not in the right place or if I've offended anybody, please, my sincere apologies!! I've lived with this privately for a long time now and this is my first effort to venture out and ask for guidance. This is a big step for me. Maybe someone reading this can relate to my story and give me the words I'm missing, or send me off in the right direction....I welcome ANY ALL feedback and thank you in advance!

Thanks again and God bless!

Rich :)


walking2lose
09-06-2010, 01:48 AM
I can't think of a single thing to say, except I sure am thankful for my husband and grateful that he complimented the **** out of my body when it was 160, and I dare say would have done the same had I been 260. She knows she's gained weight, she's clearly self-conscious about it, and I GUARANTEE she knows you aren't pleased with how she looks. Trust me, that ain't helping matters.

lolcat
09-06-2010, 01:52 AM
Rich,

First off, you ARE NOT a bad man for not being okay with this... you obviously love your wife, and your feelings are coming from a good place - you want her to be healthy, not only for herself, but so that she'll be around for you and your daughter.

That being said, I don't have a magic answer for you. I cried reading your post, realizing that you're writing about me. Well, at least me just a couple months ago. For me, this time, it was a sudden decision. When I looked in the mirror one day, I finally SAW myself. I decided that I was sick of being sick and being uncomfortable and missing out on things (photos, for one) because of my size. Was in denial too long. Finally one day I faced it and realized I just needed to make some lifestyle changes and I need to do this for me.

I wish it would be that simple for your wife... and I wish I had some good suggestions for you. I'll try to come up with some things.

Good luck, and hang in there... maybe some of the guys on the site will have some words of wisdom for you.


Vladadog
09-06-2010, 03:15 AM
Do you guys own a bathroom scale? A lot of people don't, especially those who are trying to avoid facing the truth. If you don't have one, get one. Say it's for you. Don't make a big deal out of it. Heck, put it in your home office or work room or your end of the closet (although put it somewhere where it won't be on a carpet since carpets mess with the accuracy). I promise you, if there's a scale around eventually your wife will get on it. And facing that horrible number is an important part of deciding to do something.

I wish you could just tell her about this site but I doubt she'd want to hear about it from you. But there sure are a bunch of us here who tried to hide for years and were sure losing the weight was impossible - only to discover it wasn't impossible at all!

Gamecockgrrl
09-06-2010, 03:29 AM
Rich,
First off, I don't think you are a bad man. Some of your post seems to be based on her physical appearance, but what I read most of it seems to be you are concerned about her health, both physical and mental.

I'm the first one to raise the "My husband should love me no matter how fat I get" flag, but the truth is, if only the outside changed I might have a point. When someone gains weight it's not just their body that changes, their feelings about themselves changes as well. It sounds as if you miss having a wife who had confidence and enjoyed life.

Secondly, I don't envy your position at all lol. There is no good way to tell someone you want them to lose weight, even if you are coming from a place of love and concern. If you decide to speak to your wife, I wouldn't recommend you bring up her weight at all. Maybe you could approach it from a "I've been worried about you lately...you seem a bit withdrawn and I want you to know I'm here to listen..." could be a better way.

You should also think about what you can do to lighten her emotional load a bit also. Take a long and honest look at the separation of responsibilities around your home. Is she always the one going to teacher conferences, paying bills, doing the shopping, doing the cooking, laundry, errands etc.? If so, she maybe feeling overwhelmed. This isn't an attack on men, but women have a lot of pressure on them, and if that's the case, she doesn't feel like she has the time to devote to herself to take a breath, much less take the time to put on a little makeup and nice outfit...and when that happens it makes the woman feel like she should give up. It sounds like your wife is at that point. This is especially true if she was once considered above average in the looks department. I don't mean to brag or be insensitive, but I know how that feels from personal experience. She feels like all her looks are gone so why bother at all? Maybe you could do something nice for her that would maybe encourage her to take a little more interest in her looks. Maybe a gift certificate for a facial or manicure/pedicure. I think maybe you might consider turning up the romance a little more also. It doesn't have to be extravagant...you could leave her little notes around the house, or pick her up a single flower on the way home from work, or surprise her with a picnic on the beach. The key would be to let her know that you think she is the most beautiful woman in the world and maybe she will start believing it as well...and when she starts believing it again in her heart, she may want to make the outside match the inside. And if none of that works, you might consider a marriage counselor, but I would recommend you attend alone first so the counselor can help you explain your feelings to your wife so that she is not caught completely off guard.

Sorry, I know this got a little wordy, but I got on a roll.

Rich2010
09-06-2010, 03:43 AM
Thanks all for writing!

No, it isn't helping matters, and it's why I am so troubled about it. She's not happy about it - it shows, and I'm right here watching front row. So naturally I factor into the equation - but if I wasn't here? She wouldn't feel bad about herself? I'll take at most 50% of the blame...but it still boils down to I can't lose her weight.

But I can post up to a weight loss board to see if I can understand things better. Try to find out what it's like when a person decides to make an effort. Everybody is different and realize you people being out here, dealing with your individual challenges makes you the one in control, and no matter results you're all at least a step ahead of where you used to be - just keep stepping - bravo!

I want that for Penny

She's on the front side of her decision and has some serious blockage - how does one get through that? Where were you when you decided spectating wasn't an option anymore? You needed to Act?

It's hard to describe in words but you probably know anyway - you just know deep down this isn't the way you're supposed to be - it's not ok anymore - that's about where she's at - she wants it better, so she can have her peace again - she's just deftly afraid to make any moves.

I can't lie to her, I've never lied to her - I want her to know I love her, I'm here for her, she's ok, but this is something she needs to work on, actively.

Not for me, but so she can be the person she needs to be...

And thanks for your kinds word lolcat - you're beautiful - I love cats too - mine is black & white in an awesome picasso pattern, and she has the softest, most luxurious fur ever!

JayEll
09-06-2010, 06:46 AM
Okay, I want to apologize in advance to you Rich. But this is how I see it.

Mind your own business. Find another project to keep yourself busy other than trying to "fix" your wife's weight problem.

Around 3FC I've seen far too many posts where someone is saying the same things you're saying, only usually it's the wife about the husband. "How can I make him want to lose weight?" they ask. And the unstated sub-message is, "To be the way *I* want him to be." Oh, of course there are good reasons for them to lose weight. Health is one of them. But it sounds like health isn't what you're primarily interested in.

You at least are honest enough to say right out front that you don't like the way she is. That's OK--you have a right to your opinion. But you can't make her change.

Push this issue, and it will get worse. Put yourself in her position--imagine that she is always looking at you with that slight tinge of disappointment in her eyes, and you know why. How would you feel? I guarantee that she is feeling that way just about all the time.

So if you want to help her, butt out of the weight loss issue. Stop watching what she eats. Stop trying to control her food choices. Just be a loving husband.

All you need to tell her, if SHE brings up a desire to lose some weight, is that if she wants to lose weight you will support her in that. Not control her, not fix it for her, not monitor her, but support her. That might mean helping to pay for Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, a gym membership, a therapist or dietitian, etc. it doesn't mean watching her weight for her, going to the gym with her, etc.

I apologized in advance, and I'll do it again now. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh to you. I don't want to sugarcoat it and have you miss the point.

Jay

Annita
09-06-2010, 07:43 AM
How about you be the cook of the house?
If not, how about giving her some "diet" recipes that don't look like diet recipes and tell her you want to try them cuz they look delicious?

Why don't you do exercise with her and be active with her? Doing things together as spending quality time together instead of thinking it as exercise. Like, both of you go walk your dogs together, telling her that you want to walk under moonlight watever....well I think women in general like romantic things and they like their husbands to be romantically. Just please don't make it looks like you're trying to make her lose weights. Drive her in thinking you're spending great time together while in the end she will get a moderate work out.

Just some suggestions. Hope it can help in some ways.
p/s: I would love my bf to be frank with me - harsh words give me motivation to be hot again. But not everyone can handle them, and seems like your wife is that type. So don't make her feel like you're always judging her and you don't love her as much as you used to because of her weight.

miamimelting
09-06-2010, 08:20 AM
Wowzers. Your a brave man for coming here and asking for help. My husband was much like you. I believe that for your wife it is about control. If you say things, look at what she is eating with "those eyes", act disappointed...etc. you are messing with her control. She is eating becaues she believes she is in control. When you say or don't have to say what you feel (because she knows) you are making her feel out of control. The more you push the issue the more she will try to flex her control muscle and eat when she wants. I got to the point that I would hide the food. I felt like I was in control.

You've got to stop. You've got to tell her all the time how beautiful she is. You are not promoting her bad eating by doing so you are building her self-esteem and confidence...which you need to have to lose weight.

Do something fun with her to get her moving. Sign up for a ballroom dancing class together, take karate together...do something gets you her moving but at the same time you are doing something together that is fun. Often it is hard for us to get moving all by ourselves. It is scary to go to a gym with a bunch of slim people and be the chubby one working out on the stairmaster. Support. Support. Support.

It is not healthy for her to gain weight. She knows this. She does not like where she is. But you cannot be the one to point that out or harp on her for it. She had to do it for herself when she is ready. Your wife is struggling...love her, support her. She needs you. Don't be "dissapointed" and fatherly to her. I don't know what her relationship was like with her father but that may be the worst mistake you ever make. It was the biggest problem between my husband and I.

All you need is love. Best of luck to you.

paris81
09-06-2010, 09:42 AM
I have to agree with JayEll--I've had many people try to get me to lose weight, and even when they're not saying anything about my weight and what I'm eating, I knew they were thinking it--this only made me more resistant.

Also, you say that what worries you the most is that she has no idea about what's going on--and yet she refuses to look at the scale and constantly has to buy new clothes, plus your sex life has change. So believe me, she knows.

Maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you about, maybe because she knows that you have a problem with the way she looks. Major confidence hit, and not a super motivator for losing weight. Love her for her, and maybe she'll gain the confidence to do something about her weight and eating habits.

elinor1
09-06-2010, 11:02 AM
I am new around here but I have struggled with this issue for my entire life. My husband is wonderful and always comments on how beautiful I am no matter what weight I am at. I have 3 children who mean the world to me and unfortunately my 11 year old son has taken in my footsteps. My biggest motivation for weight loss is him and for my health. I love the way I feel after losing the weight I have lost over the last year and a half. But what got me motivated was watching my son get bigger and bigger. Maybe you can approach it for a change for the family. My husband is no small man by any means he is 6'2" and he weighed 270lbs when I began my weight loss journey because my new lifestyle has become a change in my house he has lost 30lbs himself.

I do not think your a bad man for wanting something better for your wife and your family. There is nothing more important to me than my family and I know I want to be the best example of health for my children.

We joined a gym this year together the entire family, rather than choosing to do it alone I gave them the gift of exercise too! My husband and I hit the gym together and motivate each other to keep going. When he and I can't make it my sister and I go together. It is a scary thing to tackle alone so maybe the two of you need to agree to live a healthier lifestyle as a family. Grocery shop together throw away the stuff that isn't good for any of you. Teach your daughter good lifestyle skills together as a couple. The focus shouldn't be on her weight or the number on the scale for you, it should be about living healthier together!

I know the number is important but it has to be important for your wife not you. For me I weighed in this morning at 188lbs I am 5'5" so technically obese. But I where a size 12, I shop in normal stores and I feel better than I have about myself in years. Actually my goal weight is around 160lbs. If you go about it in a way that you want all of you to be healthier and not bring up her weight you may get farther. Keep in mind women can be very self conscious and you need to complement her and reinforce that you love her no matter what size she is.

Sorry it was so long..this is the best advice I can give you! Good luck!

PinkHoodie
09-06-2010, 12:46 PM
Have you ever offered to do it with her? Even if you don't have to lose weight, what if you told her you really wanted to get in better shape yourself, so what if you join a gym and go together?
This has been the biggest factor in me actually being successful at weight loss this time. My husband helps me prepare meals, and he goes to the gym with me in the morning, which really helps me get out of bed in the morning when I really don't want to.
You can't force her though...that's the hard thing watching anyone you love and care about make wrong decisions. You kind of just have to be there until they realize it themselves and be ready to help in any way you can.

dragonwoman64
09-06-2010, 12:56 PM
I agree with JayEll. Just reading your post made me want to eat and skip the gym.

Aclai4067
09-06-2010, 03:37 PM
I appreciate that you want your wife to be healthy and confident. You're not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Your post actually reminded me a lot of my sister. Since I've started losing weight I've talked to her a lot about it and she just doesn't get it. She knows that losing weigh isn't easy. She had to lose 15 lbs after college and she works hard to keep in shape. And she just can not understand why it's so hard for some people to make those helthy choices and put in the work like she does. She views it as pure laziness. And too an extent it is being lazy, but it's not coming from a place of "I don't feel like it." It's coming from a ginuine belief of "I can't." Sure we all know the logic: eat less + move more= lose weight. But that's not the same as believing you are capable of it and commiting to make that change.

And getting to that point of the commitment to change is a very personal thing. No one can do it for you, and a lot of well-meaning attempts can set you back. I watched my friends and my ex lose weight while I gained. And I ate more, while hating myself for every moment of it. It wanted to change for a long time before I actually was ready to commit and follow through with it. I'm sure my friends and co-workers all thought I was full of **** because how many times had they heard me say I was going to start losing weight, only for me to do nothing. The first step for me was joining weight watchers and a weight loss training program at my gym. I didn't lose any weight, but I started being more conscious of what I was doing to my body, how out of shape I had gotten. And I stopped gaining so quickly. It was still a couple more months until I started following the weight watchers program for real, and working out without going to Wendy's after. I was fed up with my lifestyle and finally ready to commit. But it was all me battling in my head. No one could have helped me get there.

So I guess that was just an extremely long way of saying, you can't change her or make her ready. I realize you don't get why she won't change if she isn't happy, and you're not going to get it. You just have to support her as she is. And if/when she decides to change her lifestyle, you'll be there to support her (without policing her).

PapayaMule
09-06-2010, 03:51 PM
Okay, I want to apologize in advance to you Rich. But this is how I see it.

Mind your own business. Find another project to keep yourself busy other than trying to "fix" your wife's weight problem.

Around 3FC I've seen far too many posts where someone is saying the same things you're saying, only usually it's the wife about the husband. "How can I make him want to lose weight?" they ask. And the unstated sub-message is, "To be the way *I* want him to be." Oh, of course there are good reasons for them to lose weight. Health is one of them. But it sounds like health isn't what you're primarily interested in.

You at least are honest enough to say right out front that you don't like the way she is. That's OK--you have a right to your opinion. But you can't make her change.

Push this issue, and it will get worse. Put yourself in her position--imagine that she is always looking at you with that slight tinge of disappointment in her eyes, and you know why. How would you feel? I guarantee that she is feeling that way just about all the time.

So if you want to help her, butt out of the weight loss issue. Stop watching what she eats. Stop trying to control her food choices. Just be a loving husband.

All you need to tell her, if SHE brings up a desire to lose some weight, is that if she wants to lose weight you will support her in that. Not control her, not fix it for her, not monitor her, but support her. That might mean helping to pay for Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, a gym membership, a therapist or dietitian, etc. it doesn't mean watching her weight for her, going to the gym with her, etc.

I apologized in advance, and I'll do it again now. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh to you. I don't want to sugarcoat it and have you miss the point.

Jay

Just for the record, I couldn't disagree with this more.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find your partner attractive. Like it or not, the way we look (or rather, the effort we put into making ourselves look presentable) is important. We are genetically programmed to look for an attractive mate, it's the same in the animal world. Of course, that doesn't mean that you stop loving your spouse when their physical appearance changes, but all Rich has done is notice it. From his post, he hasn't done anything cruel to his wife and in my opinion it is unfair to expect your partner to silently witness your demise.

You NEED to be able to discuss this your wife, in as supportive a way as possible of course, if your marriage is going to last. You are not selfish for caring about this. In fact I think you are extremely unselfish for staying near-enough silent for so many years and wanting so desperately to help her.

saggzz
09-06-2010, 03:53 PM
I'm just curious--How's your body? Are you still maintaining a young and healthy physique? Often, husbands gain weight right along with the wives. I know my hubbie is not the 175 pounds man I married. 13 years later---he's up to 225 at 6'2"---not a major chub by any means, but not as toned and tight as he once was.

Good luck, but weight loss is something that she will need to do for herself and not you. I decided to lose weight b/c I want to be here a long time for my two kids .

mom4life
09-06-2010, 04:11 PM
Truth be told...she has to want it. You could stand on your head and turn blue for all she cares. If she doesn't want to change then nothing you say or do will help her.
Both my husband and I were (sort of still are) overweight. We tried losing weight together many times by going on the same diet or exercising together. Eventually we failed or we just got bored. Some times I was all excited about losing weight and by the next day it was all over because I didn't see the quick results I thought I would see.
It wasn't till one day I saw a picture of myself that shocked the heck out of me. Now I'm not saying this so you can bust out photo albums of her. LOL! I had seen many photos of myself and yes they depressed me and gave me a split second desire to want to change but it never lasted. I can't say what made this time any different but I made up my mind that I was going to change. I also told myself practically every minute that I wouldn't see over night success that this journey would take time.
After 2 weeks my husband got on board so we were both on the same track. I did tell him that if he was to give up I would continue going on. We both lost weight and were close to our goals. He's closer now but I just had a baby. LOL
You haven't told us how your eating or what your weight is. But I would encourage you to start cooking more healthier meals so you both are leading more healthy lives. Who knows maybe by feeling healthy she'll decide to take it to the next level and lose weight or add exercise which will help the progress.
It never feels good to be told you have bad eating habits when the one telling you this is eating a double cheeseburger. Ehm...something my husband used to do....I'm sorry this only makes matters worse.

sacha
09-06-2010, 05:29 PM
I'm just curious--How's your body? Are you still maintaining a young and healthy physique? Often, husbands gain weight right along with the wives. I know my hubbie is not the 175 pounds man I married. 13 years later---he's up to 225 at 6'2"---not a major chub by any means, but not as toned and tight as he once was.


Mine too. Went from 180 to 225 at 5'10. Since 180 though, he has been such a wonderful partner and then father. I don't seem him any different and can't possibly imagine what he might have looked like at 180. However, he still has most of his confidence. This woman sounds very miserable and ashamed of her body. Perhaps she knows that her husband wants back the woman he married but she doesn't want to go to that/doesn't know how, and she becomes more and more miserable as the days go on.

shannonmb
09-07-2010, 09:16 AM
I pretty much agree with Jay. Your wife KNOWS she's not the 'special sort of girl' who can pull off the Hooter's outfit anymore, and so I would probably be willing to bet the equity in my house that every single day of her life (if not every minute), she is acutely aware that she has become a disappointment to you. And just reading your post, it is obvious that she is correct in thinking that.

All I can say is that one of biggest obstacles to weight loss is that defeated feeling that you are a worthless piece of crap now that you are fat. I think the best you can do, until she personally decides how she wants to look and feel, is to absolutely cherish her, your wife and the mother of your child. Make sure she understands FULLY that you are in this marriage for the long haul, for better or for worse, whether she weighs 100lbs or 200 or 400, whether she gets paralyzed from the waist down and has to live in a wheelchair, WHATEVER happens, she is your wife, you love her, and you will grow old together. If she truly believes all of this, she might be able to look at herself honestly at some point and decide she wants to change.

On the other hand, if you really don't feel that way, then it's probably best she knows now. I'm not at all sure about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if in the very deep recesses of her subconscious mind, some of this isn't a test to see if you will still love her if she's no longer Hooter's material. I know if I felt my husband's love was extremely connected to my size, it would really make me wonder how big I'd have to get before he'd leave, and how much I'd have to lose to keep him around. Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.

Just my thoughts.

Serval87
09-07-2010, 10:24 AM
I pretty much agree with Jay. Your wife KNOWS she's not the 'special sort of girl' who can pull off the Hooter's outfit anymore, and so I would probably be willing to bet the equity in my house that every single day of her life (if not every minute), she is acutely aware that she has become a disappointment to you. And just reading your post, it is obvious that she is correct in thinking that.

All I can say is that one of biggest obstacles to weight loss is that defeated feeling that you are a worthless piece of crap now that you are fat. I think the best you can do, until she personally decides how she wants to look and feel, is to absolutely cherish her, your wife and the mother of your child. Make sure she understands FULLY that you are in this marriage for the long haul, for better or for worse, whether she weighs 100lbs or 200 or 400, whether she gets paralyzed from the waist down and has to live in a wheelchair, WHATEVER happens, she is your wife, you love her, and you will grow old together. If she truly believes all of this, she might be able to look at herself honestly at some point and decide she wants to change.

On the other hand, if you really don't feel that way, then it's probably best she knows now. I'm not at all sure about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if in the very deep recesses of her subconscious mind, some of this isn't a test to see if you will still love her if she's no longer Hooter's material. I know if I felt my husband's love was extremely connected to my size, it would really make me wonder how big I'd have to get before he'd leave, and how much I'd have to lose to keep him around. Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.

Just my thoughts.

I couldn't agree more with your post. Also, I want to point out (like some of the other ladies have) that my husband still looks at me with that special look that only I get, and tells me that I'm beautiful on a daily basis. Sure, I'm fat, but to him, I'm also beautiful. That's how you need to make her feel. Her self confidence is suffering. She doesn't need you to be a personal trainer or a diet coach or whatever, she needs you to be a loving husband that understands her, and that offers to help around the house, and romanticize her.

Maybe you do care about her well being, but she is probably getting negative vibes from you as you watch her eat something unhealthy or scrutinize her appearance. This is only adding to her misery. Think only kind thoughts toward her. I mean, how do you think your wife would feel if she came on this site and looked at what you wrote about her?

Oh, and btw, I would LOVE to be down to 160. I haven't been that small since middle school

lindalee9
09-07-2010, 01:19 PM
There isn't anything you can do to make her want to lose the weight. BUT if you keep bringing it up and are always watching what she is putting in her mouth and making subtle comments about it, I can almost guarantee you that she knows what you're thinking and that it will make her dig in her heels more.

I had a boyfriend who very sensitively brought up the fact that I was gaining (believe me, I knew already!) and I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't want to face facts and EVERY time after that whenever he looked at me, I felt like he was judging me and disgusted with me. The sex was extremely rare and very boring after that. I felt unsexy thinking about how much he must hate my body and that started spilling over into the rest of our lives together.

I realize now that he loved me very much and just wanted me to take care of myself. But that is a decision that the individual has to make for themselves. I have never really tried to lose weight with a full out commitment until June of this year. And how that even happened is a mystery to me!

I was talking to a friend about maybe trying Nutrisystem and she told me about a book she was reading and that we should do it together and all of the sudden, I was ready to lose weight and nothing would stop me.

I feel for you and I know that you love her. I wish I had the answer or at least knew what triggered the desire and commitment to lose weight in me, but I don't know. I think after 20 years of being overweight and then obese, I was just ready to get back to being healthy and thin again. Maybe someday it will happen for her to, but it won't have anything to do with you (except that you may delay it if you push her).

Sotty it got so long, but really hit home for me.

mommy1028
09-07-2010, 01:51 PM
For women weight is a sensitive subject to just talk about. Men are different they don't care to tell someone how much they weigh because it's not that big of a deal to them. I put on a lot of weight with my daughter so I am not the curvy teenager no more I am big mom. I knew this and I hated it but I never did anything about it until my hubby finally said "I am not being mean but, I don't want anything to happen to you. You need to try to get some of that weight off of you." That was on a night when my chest was killing me and I was crying because I knew my weight was the cause. This was my turnaround. I haven't lost enough to have a success story but I am giving it my all. Just stand by your wife and support her she will make the decision to lose the weight you can't do that for her.

Eliana
09-07-2010, 03:00 PM
I'm so thankful my husband told me how beautiful I was with every pound I gained because he knew darn well how much I hated myself. Now that I'm losing he's having issues, actually. We women gain CONFIDENCE when we lose weight.

The only way you can go about asking another person to lose weight is from the health angle and even then it has to be LEGITIMATE. My husband looks great and he knows I think so! But I nag him to lose weight because he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar. He must lose weight for his health.

My husband losses weight because I cook for him. Do you cook for your wife? Might be nice. ;)

emaline29
09-09-2010, 09:12 AM
I have not read through all the posts on here because I am absolutely seething! I HAD a husband like you who continually went on and ON and ON!! about my weight, made me fell like a right looser! For goodness sake stop saying it's for HER good and you are only thinking about HER!! NO YOU ARE NOT!!! You want to see her the way she was and she knows it, and she's never going to be the young innocent "virgin" that you once knew. Get over it! Get agood book to read, haha! As I read thro' your ramblings I couldn't help feeling I would really like to swat you good and proper. AND all the people that keep offering you their sympathy vote in my mind are very much misguided! Get your head out of your backside and treat your wife with the respect she deserves as a woman!:mad:

Thighs Be Gone
09-09-2010, 09:33 AM
I pretty much agree with Jay. Your wife KNOWS she's not the 'special sort of girl' who can pull off the Hooter's outfit anymore, and so I would probably be willing to bet the equity in my house that every single day of her life (if not every minute), she is acutely aware that she has become a disappointment to you. And just reading your post, it is obvious that she is correct in thinking that.

All I can say is that one of biggest obstacles to weight loss is that defeated feeling that you are a worthless piece of crap now that you are fat. I think the best you can do, until she personally decides how she wants to look and feel, is to absolutely cherish her, your wife and the mother of your child. Make sure she understands FULLY that you are in this marriage for the long haul, for better or for worse, whether she weighs 100lbs or 200 or 400, whether she gets paralyzed from the waist down and has to live in a wheelchair, WHATEVER happens, she is your wife, you love her, and you will grow old together. If she truly believes all of this, she might be able to look at herself honestly at some point and decide she wants to change.

On the other hand, if you really don't feel that way, then it's probably best she knows now. I'm not at all sure about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if in the very deep recesses of her subconscious mind, some of this isn't a test to see if you will still love her if she's no longer Hooter's material. I know if I felt my husband's love was extremely connected to my size, it would really make me wonder how big I'd have to get before he'd leave, and how much I'd have to lose to keep him around. Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.
Just my thoughts.

Based on my own experience, this is DEAD ON! Most especially the very last line!

emaline29
09-09-2010, 12:44 PM
Honestly, if I had to feel that way, I'd be gone.

Just my thoughts. Quote from Shannonmb

----------------------------------------------------------------

Here! Here!

BlueFlower
09-09-2010, 01:14 PM
Just for the record, I couldn't disagree with this more.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find your partner attractive. Like it or not, the way we look (or rather, the effort we put into making ourselves look presentable) is important. We are genetically programmed to look for an attractive mate, it's the same in the animal world. Of course, that doesn't mean that you stop loving your spouse when their physical appearance changes, but all Rich has done is notice it. From his post, he hasn't done anything cruel to his wife and in my opinion it is unfair to expect your partner to silently witness your demise.

You NEED to be able to discuss this your wife, in as supportive a way as possible of course, if your marriage is going to last. You are not selfish for caring about this. In fact I think you are extremely unselfish for staying near-enough silent for so many years and wanting so desperately to help her.

It's not just her weight that is affecting the marriage, it's her attitude. The 'DUTY' sex, the NO SEX for 14 months, her shame...

He cant just MYOB about this. HIS life has been affected!
How many men would just bail out of this situation?

He loves her, and he wants her back. I feel bad for him.

As a married man, he can/needs to get his needs met by his wife. Her weight has made her less affectionate, less sexual, and less fun.

He's sending up a distress flare that some women never get. Some men have affairs and/or leave. He's asking for help.

I'd bet if she were still sexual and fun, he'd not be here asking for help.
I've always had a rich sex life with my H, even at my heaviest. I have big friends with rich sex lives. His wife has shut down, this is not just about her weight.

Rich, might try checking out a forum called Marriage Builders. They can discuss your feelings with you, and how you might approach this with your wife. This situation has been covered there MANY times.

Good luck!

Eliana
09-09-2010, 01:18 PM
Um...without sharing more than I'm willing to share...men have their issues too and women often stick by them. Just saying. That's NO excuse for treating a woman with a lack of respect or requiring of her that she return to her former pre-children self. :no:

BlueFlower
09-09-2010, 01:24 PM
I dont think he's requiring or even wanting her to be pre-child weight...

Like I said, if she were HAPPY he'd probably not be posting here at all.

I didn't see much lack of respect. Seems he's scared to death to even mention it to her.

swtbttrfly23
09-09-2010, 01:48 PM
It's not just her weight that is affecting the marriage, it's her attitude. The 'DUTY' sex, the NO SEX for 14 months, her shame...

He cant just MYOB about this. HIS life has been affected!
How many men would just bail out of this situation?

He loves her, and he wants her back. I feel bad for him.

As a married man, he can/needs to get his needs met by his wife. Her weight has made her less affectionate, less sexual, and less fun.

He's sending up a distress flare that some women never get. Some men have affairs and/or leave. He's asking for help.

I'd bet if she were still sexual and fun, he'd not be here asking for help.
I've always had a rich sex life with my H, even at my heaviest. I have big friends with rich sex lives. His wife has shut down, this is not just about her weight.

Rich, might try checking out a forum called Marriage Builders. They can discuss your feelings with you, and how you might approach this with your wife. This situation has been covered there MANY times.

Good luck!

Yeah, I agree with this. Now, don't get me wrong, I see where some of the other ladies are coming from. Your wife knows what has been going on, and I am betting that she is not facing it because she's ashamed! And trying to prod her into weight loss or telling her to do something is not the answer, nor will it work! And yes, the number one thing to do is to be supportive of her all the time. I understand that right now you're dissapointed, not necessarily in her but in the situation that you guys are in now, but she needs you to stop being disspointed in her. She doesn't need added guilt right now.

However, I see what you're saying, and I don't think it's fair to you to say that you should just shut up and go along with it. It's your life too, and her unhappiness is rapidly turning into everyone's unhappiness. And I am sorry, but that is SELFISH of the WIFE. I don't care what anyone says here, if one partner is putting their own choices ahead of their partner's happiness (so long as that 'happiness' isn't out of the question) that is UNFAIR and WRONG. And I'm not going to tell you to just shut up and mind your own business, because that is also UNFAIR to you. What I am gathering is that you don't necessarily want her to lose the weight because you want her to be hott again, but because she has lost her luster for life! I feel you on this, I really do, and I understand where this is coming from.

That said, I think you need to also realize that you have some sway in this. I don't mean that you should just tell her to lose weight, but what kind of relationship do you guys have? Maybe you need to put in more effort on this one. You know that you can't lose the weight for her, but you can help to be a catalyst for positive changes. Maybe you need to take some time with jsut her, have a romantic night with her and very sincerely tell her how you feel about the current situation (but DO NOT bring up weight). Tell her you feel that you've both fallen into a rut and you want to change that. Or tell her that you want to reignite a spark, or something like that. You can't lose the weight for her, but you can help her remember that life is beautiful and that it's worth living, and that you actually want to live it to the fullest with her! Do things with her to try and break her out of her rut. When she's feeling better about herself and life, you will start to really see positive changes. And for f*** sake, when you can sense she's feeling a little bit low, grab her sexy booty and tell her she's beautiful! It goes a really long way to tell a woman how sexy she is at a low point. Stop being dissapointed, and start living again! As Obama says (I think it's him...): "Be the change you want to see in the world!"

Good luck Rich, I really hope things get better for you. You seem like a very good guy, why else would you have stayed with the woman you love for so long? I hope you figure everything out. God bless! :-)

starbrite
09-09-2010, 02:01 PM
Just a quick one - who wants to have wild, hot do-it-in every-room of-the-house sex with someone who campares my body to the Hooters waitress body I "used to" have?????...........

BlueFlower
09-09-2010, 02:13 PM
I'll bet anything that he's NEVER vocalized that. He cant even mention this issue AT ALL to her.

Marriage is a partnership, and she's not looking out for the team. They've got a very bad dynamic going there, it nothing changes, it will only get worse. There's no debating that.

His concerns are valid.

men have their issues too and women often stick by them. Just saying.

Women often stick by unhealthy men much longer than is reasonable, and to their own detriment. Just because they do it doesn't make it right.

What if she were doing drugs or booze? Would it be horrible if he wished for her non-boozed up attitude to return? He didnt sign up for a depressed, sexless marriage.

She didnt gain the weight overnight, and he's stood by for a long time... If you were him, what would you do? From his POV, not his W's?

Eliana
09-09-2010, 02:18 PM
But I am in his shoes...more than you know. And I married my husband for way more than his body.

I think we're going to just disagree on this one. I think perhaps this may be an issue in a marriage, but in my opinion, it's a shallow one.

ThicknPretty
09-09-2010, 02:23 PM
First of all, I’d like to applaud your bravery. I know you’re new around these parts, but you had to know you were inching into dangerous territory with your post…

Second of all, I don’t think for a second that you should feel ashamed, guilty or bad about these feelings. They are exactly that: feelings. And how much can any of us control our feelings about anything? We can tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel a certain way…we can keep our mouths shut and “mind our own business”…we can pretend to feel the opposite…but, at the end of the day, we feel the way we feel. And in your marriage, your feelings matter just as much as your wife’s.

Honestly…I kind of feel bad for guys who fall victim to the bait and switch, as I call it. Yes, marriage is supposed to be “for better and for worse”…but does that really mean that we are all entitled to take advantage of the “worse” part and expect our partners to just keep trucking along happily? Of course a man who marries a healthy, slender, confident woman is going to take notice when she starts gaining weight, hiding under covers and mu-mu’s and stuffing her face. And the same would apply vice versa! It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her or that he’s a jerk…it would pretty much be impossible not to notice such a transformation and be concerned. Men have been trained to keep their mouths shut about the weight issue, but is that fair?

I can tell that you love your wife. I can tell that you want the best for her. I got the feeling that more than anything, you’re a little bewildered. Keep in mind that her weight gain has probably come from an emotional place…there IS a reason that it has happened. I do agree with the other ladies that any outward display of disapproval might make things worse, but I don’t see anything wrong with voicing your concern. You are genuinely worried about her, tell her that. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help (even just in a non weight loss specific way…be general) or if she feels like she’s missing anything or needs anything. Make yourself available to her and offer all the support, advice and comfort you can. She will have to get to a good place emotionally before she will be able to lose this weight and you can help a lot with that.

Eliana
09-09-2010, 02:26 PM
Ok...I gotta say it...

He says he thinks she's around 170 pounds!! No cow is she! I think mu-mu's have to be an exaggeration and so I have little confidence in the statement that she is "stuffing her face".

I weigh just under 170 pounds at the same height! I'm pretty darn happy with myself and considering maintenance if I lose nothing else. Is a size 10/12 something for a man to leave his wife over or even to quibble about?

goodforme
09-09-2010, 02:39 PM
Ok...I gotta say it...

He says he thinks she's around 170 pounds!! No cow is she! I think mu-mu's have to be an exaggeration and so I have little confidence in the statement that she is "stuffing her face".

I weigh just under 170 pounds at the same height! I'm pretty darn happy with myself and considering maintenance if I lose nothing else. Is a size 10/12 something for a man to leave his wife over or even to quibble about?


Ummmmm! My GOAL IN LIFE is to weigh 170. I'd be ecstatic if I were that thin. And my SO, even with his foot-in-mouth disease, better damn well salivate at the sight of me.

BlueFlower
09-09-2010, 02:40 PM
He's guessing at her weight.

I tell you, it's her ATTITUDE and chosen LIFESTYLE - that has him SO worried. He's looking at the next 30 years of a sexless marriage. That would freak out most any man.

She's hiding, not having sex and grumpy because of HER shame about her weight. I don't think he's making it up.

She could be thin as a rail, but if she's ashamed and hiding then she's affecting her marriage. The number is irrelevant.

swtbttrfly23
09-09-2010, 02:44 PM
Ok...I gotta say it...

He says he thinks she's around 170 pounds!! No cow is she! I think mu-mu's have to be an exaggeration and so I have little confidence in the statement that she is "stuffing her face".

I weigh just under 170 pounds at the same height! I'm pretty darn happy with myself and considering maintenance if I lose nothing else. Is a size 10/12 something for a man to leave his wife over or even to quibble about?

I'm sorry I think you're missing the point here! Plus, you and she are different people. You may be happy and healthy at that weight and height, but it's obvious that she, and he by default, are not. Just because something is right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I think this is a lot less about size and weight and more about the way her increased size and weight have affected their life. I agree that 170 and a size 10/12 is not that big-man, I would KILL to be EITHER!!-but again, we are different people and we come from different weight-backgrounds. But in my eyes, the biggest problem here is not the weight or size itself, it's what they are both doing to her mental state that's causing issue.

But maybe that's another question for Rich to clarify: Rich, if your wife had gained weight to the size/weight she is now but she was still happy and still had a zest for life that she had before, would you still be really wanting her to lose the weight? If the only thing that had changed was those numbers, would it bother you as much as it does now?

swtbttrfly23
09-09-2010, 02:47 PM
He's guessing at her weight.

I tell you, it's her ATTITUDE and chosen LIFESTYLE - that has him SO worried. He's looking at the next 30 years of a sexless marriage. That would freak out most any man.

She's hiding, not having sex and grumpy because of HER shame about her weight. I don't think he's making it up.

She could be thin as a rail, but if she's ashamed and hiding then she's affecting her marriage. The number is irrelevant.

Yes, THIS! My thoughts exactly.

goodforme
09-09-2010, 02:51 PM
He's guessing at her weight.

I tell you, it's her ATTITUDE and chosen LIFESTYLE - that has him SO worried. He's looking at the next 30 years of a sexless marriage. That would freak out most any man.

She's hiding, not having sex and grumpy because of HER shame about her weight. I don't think he's making it up.

She could be thin as a rail, but if she's ashamed and hiding then she's affecting her marriage. The number is irrelevant.


Then he should be asking for advice for his wife based on her depression and mood affecting their sex life and marriage. Not asking how he can make his wife realize that she needs to lose weight.

BlueFlower
09-09-2010, 02:56 PM
That's why I sent him to Marriage Builders. This isn't just about weight.

Eliana
09-09-2010, 03:00 PM
That's why I sent him to Marriage Builders. This isn't just about weight.

Now THIS I agree with. :D

swtbttrfly23
09-09-2010, 03:13 PM
Now THIS I agree with. :D

Yes, I agree, I think we're all in agreement about this, despite our different views on he situation. The weight is most often a symptom of deeper issues. And I agree, he should be asking about how to improve the situation and not just get her to lose weight, I think he is just assuming that the weight is the cause of the problem, when it is probably just another symptom.

Hit up Marriage Builders and I wish you both the absolute best!

ThicknPretty
09-09-2010, 03:32 PM
I think by now we would all at least have a basic understanding that everyone perceives weight differently. What is fat to me might be skinny to someone else or vice versa. He is the one who is married to her, he is the one who sees her struggling and feels her discomfort.

He doesn’t even know the number…and it doesn’t even matter. Her behavior indicates that she is unhappy with her weight. She’s hiding in pictures, she is hiding during sex, etc. His post did not read, “My wife is fat. She is hideous and ugly and I am not attracted to her and I tell her this every day and I can’t stand touching her and I wish she looked hot in a bikini again.” He noticed that she couldn’t find a picture she liked for facebook…he noticed that she doesn’t want her to see her body…he noticed that she has less confidence and energy. Sounds like he’s paying attention to the right things.

diary
09-09-2010, 04:43 PM
Rich, I hope you are still reading and getting some of the help you need.

I have to agree with the people who state your wife is being selfish. However, whatever the underlying issue that caused her weight gain should be addressed, sooner. Hopefully, once that part becomes more healthy, the rest wil fall into place.

Good luck!

Kitsey
09-10-2010, 01:48 AM
Ummmmm! My GOAL IN LIFE is to weigh 170. I'd be ecstatic if I were that thin. And my SO, even with his foot-in-mouth disease, better damn well salivate at the sight of me.


*snort* I *love* this! :D

guamvixen
09-10-2010, 10:29 AM
Here's is something that woke me up when I was married. I had just gotten off a ride at our rennaissance festival, and I was walking towards my husband (at the time) and he was talking to a friend of his he ran into. I could tell his friend asked where I was, and my "ex" husband looked right at me, up and down, and pointed in another direction. I saw the embarrassment in his eyes. The disgust, the horror. He was ashamed of me. I'm not going to lie, I was ashamed of myself. When I asked him later what his problem was regarding that, he replied "I just want my beautiful wife back! I just want the girl I fell in love with!" he lashed out at me, as if it was JUST my fault for getting so big. I was at my highest weight during that time, and scales didn't give the realization I needed, it was pictures that spoke the truth, it was comments people made, it was that look he gave me that I will never forget!

Even though him and I may be divorced now, and moved on with our lives, deep down I thank him for making me realize I didn't want to be living the way I was living. It was a hard realization, it was brutal, painful, and a I couldn't be happier for making that decision when I did. He never called me "fat" to my face, he never said I was gross, but I already knew I had a problem, and the fact that I was in denial made it that much worse.

Your wife knows. Unfortunately she's eating her emotions. A feeling I'm much too familiar with. Wish I had some better advice to offer you for your troubles. Sorry. I merely spoke from experience.

theCandEs
09-10-2010, 12:37 PM
I'm going to skirt all of the other issues and answer your question, just as guamvixen did. What made me realize I needed to lose weight? For me, it was health issues. I have pre-diabetes now, and I know someone who died from type 2. He lost his eyesight and his kidney function, and was going to lose his feet, but he died before that happened. I want to be here for my children and husband. If it were not for this diagnosis, I'm sure I would not have started dieting, even if I wanted to lose weight desperately. I just didn't have the strength to do it, or so I thought. Turns out, I do, but I really don't think I believed that.

Thighs Be Gone
09-10-2010, 07:53 PM
Here's is something that woke me up when I was married. I had just gotten off a ride at our rennaissance festival, and I was walking towards my husband (at the time) and he was talking to a friend of his he ran into. I could tell his friend asked where I was, and my "ex" husband looked right at me, up and down, and pointed in another direction. I saw the embarrassment in his eyes. The disgust, the horror. He was ashamed of me. I'm not going to lie, I was ashamed of myself. When I asked him later what his problem was regarding that, he replied "I just want my beautiful wife back! I just want the girl I fell in love with!" he lashed out at me, as if it was JUST my fault for getting so big. I was at my highest weight during that time, and scales didn't give the realization I needed, it was pictures that spoke the truth, it was comments people made, it was that look he gave me that I will never forget!

Even though him and I may be divorced now, and moved on with our lives, deep down I thank him for making me realize I didn't want to be living the way I was living. It was a hard realization, it was brutal, painful, and a I couldn't be happier for making that decision when I did. He never called me "fat" to my face, he never said I was gross, but I already knew I had a problem, and the fact that I was in denial made it that much worse.

Your wife knows. Unfortunately she's eating her emotions. A feeling I'm much too familiar with. Wish I had some better advice to offer you for your troubles. Sorry. I merely spoke from experience.


ROFL...sorry, but I bet your ex is pooping his pants about now with the new you! I hope you have someone wonderful!

Serval87
09-10-2010, 09:16 PM
Here's is something that woke me up when I was married. I had just gotten off a ride at our rennaissance festival, and I was walking towards my husband (at the time) and he was talking to a friend of his he ran into. I could tell his friend asked where I was, and my "ex" husband looked right at me, up and down, and pointed in another direction. I saw the embarrassment in his eyes. The disgust, the horror. He was ashamed of me. I'm not going to lie, I was ashamed of myself. When I asked him later what his problem was regarding that, he replied "I just want my beautiful wife back! I just want the girl I fell in love with!" he lashed out at me, as if it was JUST my fault for getting so big. I was at my highest weight during that time, and scales didn't give the realization I needed, it was pictures that spoke the truth, it was comments people made, it was that look he gave me that I will never forget!

Even though him and I may be divorced now, and moved on with our lives, deep down I thank him for making me realize I didn't want to be living the way I was living. It was a hard realization, it was brutal, painful, and a I couldn't be happier for making that decision when I did. He never called me "fat" to my face, he never said I was gross, but I already knew I had a problem, and the fact that I was in denial made it that much worse.

Your wife knows. Unfortunately she's eating her emotions. A feeling I'm much too familiar with. Wish I had some better advice to offer you for your troubles. Sorry. I merely spoke from experience.

Wow, your ex sounds like a real jerk (no offense).

LiannaKole
09-11-2010, 05:24 PM
I'm afraid you can't do a lot until she decides it's time to lose weight. I've been there, and trust me when I say it's got to come from her. Until I realized that for myself and my healthy I needed to lose fat, nothing worked. One day I just kind of snapped inside and that was it.

Also, at 43 and 5' 4", even 180 isn't horrible or beyond repair. She's just barely obese, so even with a few pounds loss she's back to being just overweight again (that was amazing help for me when I was at that point).

She won't appreciate you monitoring everything she eats. Then it's like you're trying to take control, and that's not gonna be a good feeling for her. You can try to help, be supportive and all, but don't try to do it for her. It'll never work, and might even have the opposite effect you want.

She knows she weighs more than she wants. It's possible she DOES know her weight. For a time I feigned ignorance to mine to avoid having to tell people what I weighed b/c I was embarrassed.

Be there for her, make sure she knows you love her no matter what.

Maybe you should start exercising and eating right, and by doing that encourage her to join you in it. Don't make it all about her - make it about you as a couple, as that's your real concern, isn't it? Seems like it from the posts.

You're a good guy for being worried about her. Just make sure you're kind and helpful. Do it with her, not FOR her and not because of her. Make it something for the two of you - make it your goal to get healthier, not specifically to lose weight. That will come with health.

Also, you might want to do research into tasty, well-textured, healthy foods she'll love. Then eat that with her. Show her your with her on anything and everything.

That's just my two cents. Good luck, and remember that she's probably feeling worse than you are.