General chatter - Think I might be playing with fire...

09-01-2010, 05:09 PM
I've never had to worry about men picking up on me because I been obese through the majority of my marriage/relationship. When we first met I was very young and thin, but I started gaining within the first year and had a lot of self esteem issues because of it. Well fast forward 13 years later (6 years of marriage) and I've lost all the weight and gain a ton of self esteem. So now I'm thinner and older and more confident. Because of this I've become more outgoing and more chatty with people in general, both professionally and casually. This hasn't really been an issue as far as other men are concerned, but recently I've made friends with a guy at the gym. For the first month or so it was nothing but gym talk. Lately it's been more getting to know you coversation, nothing inappropriate or anything like that, but yesterday he went out of his way in our conversation to make sure that I knew he was single. At this point he doesn't know I'm married, he may suspect it (at least I hope he does) because I spoke about my son, but I don't wear my ring at the gym and there hasn't been a reason to talk about my DH. So anyway, I don't want this to become an issue and I certainly don't want this guy to ask me out or something (I could be reading too much into it, but I want to be prepared). So I guess the best thing to do would be to mention my DH as soon as possible. that it's kinda fun having a guy look at me in a way other than just some fat girl. I know that sounds awful, but I guess I kinda like the attention. Obviously this is playing with fire, but has anyone else had this experience - liking the attention. I obviously don't want it to go anywhere, I adore and respect my DH and to this point nothing has been said that I would consider inappropriate or have an issue with if the table were turned and my DH was is this situation. Is there anything wrong with a little harmless attention?

09-01-2010, 05:43 PM
Hi there - congrats on the weight loss. I heard this from somewhere and rule of thumb is: If you can't tell your partner about what you are asking, then on some level you think it is inappropriate. Go from there - goodluck.

09-01-2010, 05:54 PM
Wow...thanks! This actually really kinda puts into perspective. I mean cause what would I tell DH..."Honey, I haven't told this random guy at the gym I'm married because I like the attention." That sounds awful! Man the new life challenges weight loss brings can be...well, challenging! I think I kinda like being invisible better :)

09-01-2010, 06:26 PM
i agree with Bandit.... also if this random gym guy is interested in you, you are stringing him along by not being forthcoming about your marital status, which isn't fair to him either... if he really is just a friend then it makes sense that he won't have a problem with you being married, so it shouldn't be hugely awkward to say so. if he is pursing you in a romantic way... then he still deserves to know.

in the past when a guy tried to approach me or be flirty in that way I just let them know that I really appreciate it, but because I'm happily married I am saying no. And I might throw in a comment about how flattered I am that such a good-looking guy would ask me out (I try not to crush their self-esteem lol).

09-01-2010, 07:53 PM
Good advice from bandit and cb1.

09-01-2010, 08:36 PM
I say let him ask you out! Then of course tell him you are married and not interested. :) You can still tell your hubby if you feel you need too.

No harm done and a little ego boost. Nothin wrong with that at all! :-)

09-01-2010, 09:25 PM
It's true that weight loss brings challenges, as does any other major life change. I think the biggest challenge is internal - you're seeing yourself in a different light. You may have to face some things you haven't had to before.

Why would you be uncomfortable with your husband 'finding out'? Is it about his ego, about some sense that it's a 'dirty little secret', or because you haven't consciously identified how your weight loss has affected your relationship and are uncertain where you stand.

You might want to consider why you haven't mentioned to your friend that you're married. I know that I have never had a hard time mentioning my husband in our 22 years of marriage, and I've never worn a ring and we don't share a last name.

While it's true that you don't want to string your friend along, you also don't want to make assumptions and lose what could be a very good friend. Are you comfortable having a male friend? If he's expecting something more, are you comfortable politely declining. You might want to practice a couple of times so you have some phrases ready if it does come up. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you feeling good about a little positive attention, and try not to overthink things! Enjoy this new you!

09-01-2010, 10:08 PM
^good questions. I haven mentioned DH because it just hasn't come up. I mean I've never had a problem talking about him to anyone, but I don't run around telling guys "I'm married, I'm married" just in case they hit on me. Calling this guy a friend was probably a bit ambitious, gym aquaintance maybe. I haven't really said anything to DH because I don't want to bruise his ego or make him insecure, especially if I'm totally misreading this guy. Plus there's really nothing to tell. I did tell him there was a guy at the gym that was under 60. We live in a community with a lot of older people.

I'll be honest I really do like the attention. I guess it's just been do long since I've experienced it.

09-01-2010, 10:53 PM
It's totally understandable that you like the attention, and I can't say I blame you for feeling flattered by it. But I think your subject line says it all....if you think that you are playing with fire, then you probably are. Either put your wedding ring on a chain around your neck, or somehow work hubby into the conversation next time you chat with the gym guy.. It sounds like he's dropping hints to you.....letting you know he's single, etc. It's time to let him know you're not.

You can still have fun and friendly conversations with him, but it'll be better for all concerned if you're up front. I think you'll feel better about it, too.

09-02-2010, 06:56 PM
No no no! Don't even go there! I think you're on dangerous ground and by the sounds of things, you know it too.