100 lb. Club - Stupid things our husbands say (or wives)




Eliana
08-27-2010, 09:01 AM
When I was fat, my husband thought I was gorgeous. He made me feel so good about myself when I was at my absolute lowest. I could always count on him to bring me up.

So what the heck happened? :mad:

He won't stop picking on me and I finally blew up at him today.

He can't wait until my legs get back to the way they were in college. Um...they might not.

My boobs have gotten too small...although last night apparently they were huge again...what happens when they change again?

I have rabbit feet (a fact actually, but thanks honey)

He made fun of my fat belly, the only part of me that does not tone but just looks like a shrunken version of its former self.

He looked at a video of one of our lovely 3FC members who shows belly shots of her amazing accomplishments. She was in a larger size than me and a heavier weight and my husband went on and on about how much better she looked than me.

Last night he told me I had a mustache...I don't. I told him that was a very hurtful thing to say. Then he wondered why I rolled over on the couch and just ignored him.

He loves to tell me my pants are too tight or that an outfit I've proudly purchased makes some part of my body look flawed. Oh, and if the pants aren't too tight, then I have a saggy butt.

This morning...he pointed out with laughter the fact that I have a zit, or something on my chest that has been there for YEARS!!! (Therefore it's not actually a zit) This thing bothers me to no end and I compulsively pick at it and make it angry. It's actually starting to look better but he knows I am extremely self-conscious about this stupid thing.

I've reached my breaking point!! Quit picking on me!! I have done such amazing things and I am really proud of myself! It's almost as if he's telling me, "Hey, you're not everything you think are." Like he's trying to keep me down, keep me in a box, hide me away? It's possessive behavior and this morning I actually told him that people who didn't know him and only heard these things would think he was verbally abusive. He was horrified and rightfully so! He's not an abusive man...far from it. But goodness sakes he's making me feel HORRIBLE. Like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. I didn't know I'd set out on this journey TO PLEASE HIM!

Why was I so perfect fat????? :?:


guamvixen
08-27-2010, 09:23 AM
Aww! Believe it or not sweetie, I know how you feel. When I was with my ex husband, he didn't start picking on me until I starting losing weight. And it seemed as though the more weight I lost, the more "fat" comments he made. He'd say things like "no matter how much you lose, you'll always be fat and ugly" But when I was at my heaviest, it was as though I could do no wrong. I strongly believe it's an insecurity thing. My ex would tell me that no one would ever want me. He was abusive however, that's why I decided to get out of that relationship. Now when he sees me, he'll tell me I'm too skinny, or I look sick, and I should gain more weight. ANyway, he found himself a "new" girl now, and she's a big girl. I guess he prefers that body type, and more power to him if he does, I just know I was tired of feeling tired all the time so I decided to change.

I hope you'll get through this. Maybe you should repeat everything he tells you, and ask him how he would feel if you constantly picked on him. I'm sure he wouldn't like it. Our spouses are supposed to support us, not bring us down like the rest of society usually does. Chin up young person! You should be very proud of your accomplishments! Keep going, and remember, you are a stronger woman for kicking the weight's butt!

time2lose
08-27-2010, 10:43 AM
:hug: Eliana,

I would say that you need to have a talk with him but it sounds like you have already told him. Maybe you should show him this post and calmly tell him how much he is hurting you? He probably does not realize how all these comments add up.

You have done so great! Don't let him diminish your accomplishments.

:hug::hug:


Eliana
08-27-2010, 10:53 AM
Thanks guys!

I have talked to him, which is part of my frustration. I "forgive" him for each individual offense because he always has an explanation for them, but you're right...they do add up. And it takes 10 compliments to undo the harm of one negative.

Today, when I laid out the list, he couldn't say "I'm sorry". He had to defend each and every one of them. Finally I said, "Just stop defending these hurtful things and tell me you're sorry and that you'll try to stop!" He did, but it was followed by "but". :rofl:

I wasn't expecting this. I don't understand the change in him. I've never before felt not good enough for him and now I so do!

ChrissyBean
08-27-2010, 11:13 AM
That doesn't sound "normal" or acceptable to me. My husband doesn't say ANYTHING mean...which IS "normal" and acceptable.

Is there any way you could get a third party involved, maybe some counselling? He's a grown man, and you've told him MORE than once that you find his comments hurtful...he knows what he's doing.

guamvixen
08-27-2010, 11:21 AM
All in all, it has to be an immature and insecurity thing. He probably is feeling more and more intimidated that you won't want him anymore, so he's trying to hurt you so you think no one else will want you. He needs to realize that's not your intention. You are doing it just to be healthy, not to go shopping for a new guy or for attention.

The "but" needs to go. It will eventually push you away, and it ultimately won't have a positive influence on your accomplishments. Men are simple beings. They get threatened easily, and are a lot more insecure than women.

JayEll
08-27-2010, 11:58 AM
Ask him who else he's gotten interested in and see what his reaction is... Just sayin'... And if he gets all huffy, respond that from the way he's on you all the time, it sounds like he must be looking for an excuse.

Jay

tinycities
08-27-2010, 12:15 PM
From reading your post, I have a hunch that this isn't about you at all. It's entirely about him.

If a person feels the need to repeatedly make hurtful personal comments towards someone else, that says far more about the person making the comments than the recipient. Personally, I don't think this is a gender thing - I believe both men and women can behave in this way from time to time.

Without knowing your husband, I couldn't really say what it is that drives these sorts of comments, although I think there have been a few good possible suggestions above. I think this is something you should definitely address openly and honesty with him, and without being aggressive, make the conversation about him and why he is choosing to behave like this. Of course, he isn't acting in a vacuum, and he needs to know how these comments are making you feel. But I think to move things forward, it would really help to focus on why he has decided to start behaving like this, and whether this is something that he's able to change, either with your help, or by himself.

Also, sometimes I think it helps, in these sort of conversations, to try and take a global view of the situation. When this sort of talk gets tied to individual incidents (e.g., "last Friday at dinner you said..."), I think it can lose focus and become less constructive, and get lost in pettiness and detail.

Hope you manage to resolve this to your mutual satisfaction!

Eliana
08-27-2010, 12:33 PM
"Immature" is a good word to sum him up. "Jealous" is too, which is new. And pushing away? He's actually doing the opposite, trying to pull me in. He's not looking for an excuse. We've had this discussion. We're pretty open with each other.

This man is my best friend. He is still the one I go to for mental support and retreat. That's why this is so difficult.

Sometimes I just wish he lived next door.

Bunti
08-27-2010, 12:44 PM
I would feel so terribly hurt if I my husband said those things to me. How dare he defend this type of behavior. If he is not verbally abusive, he is certainly practicing learning.

Purposely and repeatedly saying things that hurt someone you love, particularly if they have told you they are hurt by what you are saying, and there is no safety or practical or changeable facet, IS emotionally/verbally abusive. Whether he feels threatened, or jealous, or just off balance by your change, being chronically nasty is not okay.

I hope the two of you working together can fix this. Having someone you love be purposely and defensively hurtful is awful.

Hugs your direction.

Annita
08-27-2010, 12:52 PM
I am totally agree with JayEll.
Great advice :)

Eliana
08-27-2010, 12:56 PM
You know...I just realized something. These comments always, ALWAYS come just as I'm feeling really good. This mornings "zit" comment was right after spin class when I was riding high on endorphins and had a particular feeling of accomplishment after a difficult class and I was quite proud of some of the things I'd pushed through. I greeted him with a big smile and told him how great that felt. Then he points to my chest and laughs at my zit...the one that's always there.

He definitely acts as though he does not want me to be happy. He himself suffers from depression. It's like he WANTS to take me down with him.

tea2
08-27-2010, 01:15 PM
He has got to get that tendency to inflict his unhappiness on you under control. I've been depressed, and it's sometimes really hard not to resent and be jealous of people's success when you feel like that, but I had to learn that dragging others down was not the way to get out of my hole.

Coondocks
08-27-2010, 02:26 PM
That doesn't sound "normal" or acceptable to me. My husband doesn't say ANYTHING mean...which IS "normal" and acceptable.

My htoughts exaclty, that's not at ALL acceptable for him to be doing. NO excuse, I don't care how insecure, how much he thinks it's joking . . . you've told him it's hurtful and he doesn't consider that.
It's not ok at all.

shannonmb
08-27-2010, 03:20 PM
Oh Eliana, I'm sorry you are going through this. Here you are, thinking you found and married the man you love and that you can live happily ever after, then he starts pulling this crap. I remember another thread from you about some similar behavior from him, so I gather it hasn't gotten much better.

Here's how I see it. Really, YOU are the one who is changing the game. YOU are no longer satisfied to sit on the couch -- you fat, him depressed, eat large pizzas, and wait for your early grave. So YOU decided to make some pretty major changes, and there he is, still on the couch, wondering where his fat pizza partner went and who is this bionic spinning woman hanging out in her looser skin? hahahaha It really is YOUR fault that you guys aren't two peas on the sofa pod anymore.

I am going through something very similar. I also have a sleep problem (sleep apnea), and as soon as I got my CPAP machine to sleep with and started getting awesome sleep, I hit the ground running. Have been losing weight, decluttering the house, cooking and eating healthy, wanting to do things on days off, etc. Meanwhile, he had been dragged down to my level after a number of years, was doing just fine there (sitting on the couch in a mess), and he's looking at me, like WHAT? You're the one who wants to change, whatta ya want from me? I have had to have a real heart to heart with him. Here's basically what I said,"Look, I realize it is TOTALLY me who is changing the game here. But the bottom line is, I want more from life than the hole we dug ourselves into. I am willing to help you every single step of the way to come with me on the way up. I will help you with your clutter, I will do most of the cleaning, I will arrange the "date nights", I will seduce you. But you have got to meet me at least 1/4 of the way, because my life WILL be the way I want it one day, and it is up to you if you want to come with me or not. I love you with all of my heart and soul, appreciate the fact that you "stuck by me" even with me gaining 150 lbs, value your friendship, think you are hilareous, are sexually attractive to me. Here's where I throw in my own BUT... If you try to stall my progress or try to keep me wallowing in misery with you, there will come a day when I simply will have had enough and won't even want to TRY anymore. That day will come whether I want it to or not. And I don't want it to, not at all. I want to grow old with you. But it will come. This is not an ultimatim, this is not a warning, this is my heart speaking to you".

You know what? He IS trying. He is trying a lot. And that's all I ask!

guamvixen
08-27-2010, 03:42 PM
Try reverse psychology. Next time he criticizes you, simply agree and then say "I guess I'm going to have to work harder or invest more time" and see what he does. Just yesterday I told my love that my insecurities were because all his exes had bikini bodies and here I am with loose skin and feeling skinny fat. I knew what the exes looked like. He merely agreed. It hurt my feelings. It was unintentional but I just said "I'm gonna start saving for surgery" and then it clicked on him that his comment was rude. Men can be oblivious. I discovered the less u try, the harder they will.

I'm really sorry. I know it's hard. :( big hugs!

goodforme
08-27-2010, 05:07 PM
I find it REALLY hard to believe that someone is married to a man who never *never* says anything mean. Either he is perfect, (in which case can we have him cloned and mass produced for the market?) or he is hiding his unhappiness.

My SO loves me and desires me sexually, no matter how fat or thin I am (he's been with me through a 65 pound gain) and he still says things (sometimes inadvertently and sometimes through pure honesty) that are both hurtful and just plain mean.

It's true that I am fat. It's true that I have gained weight, and it's true that my belly sticks out a lot farther than it used to. All of those things are true, and they are a fact. He thinks if stating a fact hurts my feelings, then oh well, change the fact. I don't ask him how my pants make my butt look, because I really don't want to hear the answer. I don't ask him if he still finds me attractive, because the man is all over me like he's been recently released from a long prison term, so he must be finding something he likes.

I don't expect him to celebrate with me over every weight related victory. I don't expect him to workout with me, or support me in any way regarding my weight loss. I took this drive, and I'm dragging him and my girls along with me, whether they kick and scream the whole time, we're not turning around. We take walks together as a family (even the toddler) and I cook healthier meals than they are used to. There are less snacks available in our home, and the ones that are available are not on the same par they are used to.

They complain? Oh, well, it's a fact that we didn't eat healthy. We are eating healthier now. Don't like the fact, too bad.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a long and rambling way, is that your husband did not overnight turn into an abusive monster. Being in an abusive relationship makes the warning signs blatant, but jealousy and pouting and insecurity do not *in and of themselves* make a man abusive. And maybe you're expecting too much of him, at this moment, to be supportive of your efforts if he's still fighting your efforts. And I don't know the solution, but I wanted to tell you all that and give you :hug:'s and hope it works out for you both.

Robsia
08-27-2010, 05:27 PM
Goodforme - I'm afraid I totally disagree - if you say something about someone, knowing it will hurt their feelings, then you are being mean, even if it happens to be true.

My mother is very overweight and has been all her life. She has tried to lose weight but her doctors have told her she will be lucky to see 70 as she has diabetes and there are a few other issues. As she is 65, she has decided eh won;t spend the last few years of her life being miserable - she is going to eat what she wants to eat and die happy.

But if I kept telling her whenver I saw her, "You know what mum - you are looking really fat and wobbly today - you just get bigger every day, don't you." - I just think it might hurt her feelings a little bit, even if it happens to be true.

It's called being nice to people.

I wouldn't tolerate my dh pointing out all my physical flaws and/or laughing at them, just as I don't point out and mock his. If a friend did it to me, they wouldn't be a friend for very much longer.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

ChrissyBean
08-27-2010, 05:36 PM
Yeah, sorry Goodforme, but my husband never says anything mean. I could see him saying something by accident, but NEVER on purpose like Eliana's DH is doing. And even the accidental slips just aren't there because he thinks before he speaks. He probably was VERY unhappy with my "before" weight, but like Robsia said...he was (is) nice. What good would saying hurtful things bring?? Absolutely NONE.

goodforme
08-27-2010, 05:53 PM
I wasn't implying that my SO was not mean. In fact, I said that he frequently said things that were hurtful and mean.

What I mean is, is Chrissybean's husband stuffing his feelings and hiding his misery? Or is his internal censor perfect? Does he stop mean things from coming out of his mouth, or does never a mean thought cross his mind?

I am far from perfect, and I have said mean things to perfect strangers and even to people I love and hold in high esteem, because I am not perfect and when your feelings are overwhelming you, you might let something slip that should have been said in your inside voice.

Eliana's husband is hurting, he's feeling left behind, he's depressed and feeling inadequate. None of those are excuses for him to talk to her in such a way that makes her heart hurt, and I wasn't defending him. But, he's human and he's also a *man* so he needs some guidance here. Counseling?

Eliana
08-27-2010, 05:57 PM
Goodforme, we were typing at the same time. ;) I'll let my post stand, but without this little disclaimer it looks as though I completely ignored you.

..........

Yeah, just the fact that my husband was nice when I was fat proves that he does know how. And some of the things he is saying are both unsolicited and untrue. I know better than to ask a question for which I don't want an honest answer!! And if I'm stupid enough to ask, then I'm a big girl about the answer.

Case in point...I have no mustache. None. I have the same peach fuzz above my lip as all over my face, just like every other mammal. I've never thought about a mustache, and certainly didn't ask, "Gee dear, do you think I have a mustache?" It was just mean

I don't ask about the clothes I wear. I just admire myself in the mirror. He walks in and decides to take a slam at me.

The whole chest/zit thing...again. Unsolicited. True? Sure...but he already knows it's something beyond my control and a sore spot.

He has a humped back. Have I ever brought it to his attention? Heavens no! He hates it, he's well aware that he has it and I try my best to down play it if, and only if, he brings it up. The things he is saying would be like me laughing and saying, "Gosh, that shirt really brings out your hump back." How mean. :(

This thread has been a helpful venting spot.

Coondocks
08-27-2010, 06:03 PM
regardless if he's feeling depressed, inadequate or left behind - which, we don't know if he is or not - there is tact. And yes, he IS a grown man, all the more reason why saying something you KNOW to be hurtful to someone and harping on sensitive topics is innapropriate.

Whatever the situation, whatever the reason, who ever it comes from . . . no one should knowingly be hurtful to a loved one, and he is being knowingly hurtful.

Its tactless.

Eliana
08-27-2010, 06:08 PM
Shannon, that does sound very similar.

My husband IS trying to join the healthy train with me. He fights for it himself off and on and always had. Unfortunately, I drive this train. :rolleyes: You know...all the grocery shopping, planning, cooking and nagging. In fact, my own plan is on such automatic pilot now that I've sort of let up. He no longer sees me measuring, weighing, counting, etc. It's pretty much all in my head. So the other day he asked me to please start nagging him again. No problem! I can nag! He does want this healthier lifestyle.

I think he's jealous that I have achieved this seemingly without difficulty. He started out at a LOWER BMI than I, but now mine is lower than his. He's highly competitive and he hates it when I am better at something than he is to the point where he will sabotage me. I think that's what he's doing.

That day you speak of...it has come. ;) I am so ready to move into a happier, healthier lifestyle. I would like for him to come with me, and he's working on it, but unfortunately his current efforts are being overshadowed by stupidity such as this post is about. And his current efforts come at the very brink of disaster. It's complicated and I'm just trying to hold the threads together for as long as my grip holds.

catherinef
08-27-2010, 06:09 PM
My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, but in all our years together, the man has never said, not even at my highest weight, one deliberately hurtful thing about my body, or my looks in general. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that I would not have been able and ready to finally tackle the problem without having had long years of his unconditional acceptance. Other people who love me dearly, but not as well, have said just amazingly horrible things to me, and without making Eliana's thread All About Me, my husband is fully aware of how completely emotionally devastating I found that to be, and how much lasting damage it did. So he doesn't do it.

Eliana, I am so sorry you're experiencing this. It's painful and can be infuriating, and it's just not right. You have accomplished so much, and it's totally natural to want the person you are sharing your life with to be supportive.

shannonmb
08-27-2010, 07:10 PM
Shannon, that does sound very similar.
I think he's jealous that I have achieved this seemingly without difficulty. He started out at a LOWER BMI than I, but now mine is lower than his. He's highly competitive and he hates it when I am better at something than he is to the point where he will sabotage me. I think that's what he's doing.


Ah, now there's something to think about! How unfortunate that he is making a competition out of your whole family trying to be healthier! But I can see how that can happen if it's an effort you are all working on. You're all tracking pounds, I can see how a particularly competitive person could turn it into a game of who's losing more. Too bad he can't keep it lighthearted and fun instead of resorting to the low blows! There's just some lines that should never be crossed. I have been so po'd at my husband before that my head was about to explode, and it never has occured to me to go for the JUGULAR, AND vice versa. I just would not tolerate the person who is supposed to have my back the MOST in life picking at my most sensitive areas, especially if he KNOWS what he is doing and doing it on purpose. Like not even once.

I would be super-duper-excited and oh so appreciative if my hubbs was doing ALL the planning involved in this! But I guess some people feel threatened when someone else is bringin' it home (kinda like those men who are threatened when their wives make more money than they do).

Bottom line is, these are obviously completely and totally HIS issues, and all you can really do from your end is try to make him understand how you feel about his behavior, that you are NOT putting up with it, and what will happen if he keeps it up (which you have to think on and decide). Then the ball's in his court, and up to him if he wants to suffer the consequences of acting like a big horse's a$$.

JayEll
08-27-2010, 08:21 PM
But, he's human and he's also a *man* so he needs some guidance here.

I think this attitude is demeaning to men and treats them like they are big children. Men know how to behave and do not need excuses. They act the way they do because women cut them slack.

I've seen a lot of statements like this made on 3FC, and it bothers me. If one of the guys here said, "She's human and she's also a *woman* and needs some guidance here," a thousand 3FC members would rise up and smite him!

Not intending to hijack... But treat him like the adult that he is.

Jay

famograham
08-27-2010, 09:00 PM
I'd like to add a different possibility here.

My automatic response to the actions that you described in your posts, is that he's terrified!

Think of it this way, he sees you getting thinner all the time, working hard, and gaining tons of newfound confidence. You're starting to come out of your shell, feel good about yourself, and your entire world may be opening up!

For him, this might be his biggest fear, because all of these things may lead you to discover that this might not be the life you want. Maybe he is so scared of losing you that he doesn't know what to do, or how to tell you, so he picks and remarks, in the mistaken hope that it will keep you there.
Maybe it's about his lack of confidence in himself, deep down.

If he's an honestly, truly good guy, I can see this happening!
Maybe he just has no idea how to express his fear.

I may get blasted for this thinking, and I may also be totally wrong, forgive me if I am :) Sometimes we all deal with our feelings in a stupid way, because we don't know what else to do.

I know it's totally anti feminist or whatever, but maybe he needs a little reassuring that you love him and you're not going anywhere (if that's the case) and a reminder that he can express his fear without crapping on you!

Eliana
08-27-2010, 10:19 PM
Actually, Famograham, I think you may be right on the money with that. Those are words I needed to hear. He IS a good guy...I don't want this life anymore...honestly I don't think either of us does and we don't know how to fix it.

So yes. If I look at it from his point of view, that's he's afraid of losing me, maybe I can take it from there with a little more understanding.

famograham
08-28-2010, 12:30 AM
It was totally my gut reaction to what you were saying!
My hubby is a wonderful guy too, but he's a HORRIBLE communicator. We've looked out over the brink several times, making it back each time, but only barely.

How long have you guys been together?

Having that talk (the one where you tell him you're not happy and you think he's not either)...is SO hard!!! BUT it may indeed end up resulting in what both of you need. It could help you both make the choice to end it, OR it could help you decide to get whatever help, or make whatever changes you need to stay together.

What happened in our situation was that I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I needed therapy. Of course I wanted him to go too, but he refused..no surprise there. We had issues with porn on his part, and it was bad for a while
I ended up discovering through therapy that I was a good, and lovable person, and that I'd be just fine with or without him. I was deserving of love (and positivity) and nothing less. I think somehow that triggered him, and maybe scared him...that I was prepared to end it if things didn't change....and THEN there was a change in him.

Today, we're doing pretty great...but you never know! We've been together for almost 16 years, and just had our 14th Wedding Anniversary. It has NOT been easy.

My heart bleeds for both of you...I so know how you feel!

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Linda

lauralyn
08-28-2010, 07:58 AM
I think this attitude is demeaning to men and treats them like they are big children. Men know how to behave and do not need excuses. They act the way they do because women cut them slack.

I've seen a lot of statements like this made on 3FC, and it bothers me. If one of the guys here said, "She's human and she's also a *woman* and needs some guidance here," a thousand 3FC members would rise up and smite him!

Not intending to hijack... But treat him like the adult that he is.

Jay

I agree, I find that many of us women say things very similar but if our men were to say it about us we would be very upset.

I used to say things like this all the time until I realized how often I was doing it, I probably still do but I sure try not to!

Eliana
08-28-2010, 09:10 AM
It was totally my gut reaction to what you were saying!
My hubby is a wonderful guy too, but he's a HORRIBLE communicator. We've looked out over the brink several times, making it back each time, but only barely.

How long have you guys been together?

Having that talk (the one where you tell him you're not happy and you think he's not either)...is SO hard!!! BUT it may indeed end up resulting in what both of you need. It could help you both make the choice to end it, OR it could help you decide to get whatever help, or make whatever changes you need to stay together.

What happened in our situation was that I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I needed therapy. Of course I wanted him to go too, but he refused..no surprise there. We had issues with porn on his part, and it was bad for a while
I ended up discovering through therapy that I was a good, and lovable person, and that I'd be just fine with or without him. I was deserving of love (and positivity) and nothing less. I think somehow that triggered him, and maybe scared him...that I was prepared to end it if things didn't change....and THEN there was a change in him.

Today, we're doing pretty great...but you never know! We've been together for almost 16 years, and just had our 14th Wedding Anniversary. It has NOT been easy.

My heart bleeds for both of you...I so know how you feel!

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Linda
See, I have nothing like that to complain about. :^: He's so very good, with such a good heart. It's the depression that gets to me, and how awful is that of me. But we've been together 15 years, married for 12 and I've been dealing with this all 15 years. It's finally breaking me down. I didn't know 15 years ago what it would be like to live with a depressed person when you yourself are so upbeat and when you see it affecting your children. With the depression, he sleeps ALL THE TIME to the point where the children now say, "Where's dad...oh, sleeping?" Even when he's not! He's working, sleeping or griping at me and that's about it. He could be so much worse, but this is my general reality. We go through cycles as it seems to be cyclical disease and we're just coming off a particular bad dip. But my mood doesn't quite rise in direct relation to his and I'm a little more tired at the end of each.

Blah.

ChrissyBean
08-28-2010, 12:01 PM
My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, but in all our years together, the man has never said, not even at my highest weight, one deliberately hurtful thing about my body, or my looks in general. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that I would not have been able and ready to finally tackle the problem without having had long years of his unconditional acceptance.

Exactly! I mentioned this thread to my husband last night, after he'd dragged me out running and he was horrified to hear that men would actually speak to their wives in such a way, especially when their wives were working so hard to reach a healthy goal. He said the comments come from insecurity or jealousy on the man's part and he couldn't understand. He loves the way I'm looking and is only enthusiastic and encouraging when I come limping in from a particularly good Zumba. He likes my sexy shape and it's to his benefit that he encourages me.

I also agree with JayEll. Men are NOT children and should not be treated as such.

Eliana, you sound like a VERY strong woman (mentally and physically). I know that if I was always receiving comments like that, I'd start to believe them and think "what's the use?" and give up. What if you write your feelings down, in a letter? Would he pay more attention to that? For what it's worth, I know what it's like always being the positive, cheerful person in the family; it's tiring and sometimes it sucks out loud. My husband isn't depressed, but he hates his job (justifiably) and he sometimes takes it out on us. This time of year it's not so bad because he can vent his rage in other ways, like training for a triathlon. Come winter though...! :hug:

dragonwoman64
08-28-2010, 05:16 PM
so sorry to hear about it, Eliana. I just thought I'd throw in my thoughts, maybe something will prove useful. Maybe if you try really bringing to his attention what he's doing in the moment he does it. And tell him you don't appreciate the behavior, it's destructive to you personally, to your relationship, and how you want your family to experience life in general. In your own words, but clearly put. If you feel you need need to, have some consequences connected to it, to bring it home. You won't do X with him if he doesn't change his attitude. He most likely knows in his heart he shouldn't be doing it, he's letting his fears, teenage boy, whatever take over and acting without considering consequences or impact. In other words, he's being self centered.

I do think women tend to be more tuned in when it comes to social interactions and relationships. Relationships tend to be more important to them, and what they're socialized to emphasize. Men tend to be more competitive (in general). I don't think those ideas should be used to cut individuals slack when they are behaving badly, but keeping them in consideration can be a way to have a better understanding of what might be going on in a situation.

BreathingSpace
08-28-2010, 05:28 PM
I think this attitude is demeaning to men and treats them like they are big children. Men know how to behave and do not need excuses. They act the way they do because women cut them slack.

I've seen a lot of statements like this made on 3FC, and it bothers me. If one of the guys here said, "She's human and she's also a *woman* and needs some guidance here," a thousand 3FC members would rise up and smite him!

Not intending to hijack... But treat him like the adult that he is.

Jay

Yeah, I have to agree with this.

It kind of reminds me of that book "he's just not that into you". It's just the many, many excuses that women come up with to justify a man's behavior.

Mean and rude is mean and rude. Plain and simple. I don't care what the "reasons" are behind it. It's unacceptable. From ANYONE.

~BreathingSpace~

lovemyboy
08-28-2010, 06:11 PM
How frustrating and hurtful! With depression he doesn't have enough to give to himself let alone another in terms of positive comments. That said, he does not need to make negative comments either.

My sister who also has depression and happens to be insanely competitive with me makes these kind of comments towards me. To stop her when other methods haven't worked, I've said, "did you just say that outloud?" to her. I've also said, "it's not acceptable to speak to me like that." It is uncomfortable as being that forward is not my style but it has stopped her from continuing on with the negativity.

Cookc04
09-26-2010, 06:13 AM
He might just think he's trying to encourage you to continue and support you in your attempts to loose weight.
Maybe, if it's really getting you down, suggest marriage couselling - it will help him realise that it's something that is bothering you. He might just get the point and stop, or he might agree that your marriage needs a little help.

Robsia
09-26-2010, 07:02 AM
My husband feeds me - and I mean literally feeds me. He barely eats during the day - then has his evening meal with us, then snacks all evening when I have no calories left.

The other week he was eating some After Eight mints. As it happened I did have a few calories left for that day, so I worked out how many I could have, and allowed myself a treat that night. When I had eaten my allotted amount, he took another one out of its little sleeve and physically held it to my mouth, touching my lips. That night I had the self control to turn my facre away and say no thank you. But I think that was only because I had already had some and had no cravings.

More recently he was fixing himself a cheese sandwich and again physcially held a piece of cheese to my lips - that time I did eat it - although it wasn't a very big one. He looked all happy and pleased with himself, like you feel when your children have eaten a meal you have prepared for them.

He really doesn't get it.

I have told him till I'm blue in the face NOT to offer me foods that are bad for me but all he says is "Well, I'm just being polite!"

GirlyGirlSebas
09-26-2010, 12:46 PM
Eliana, our family shows love for each other by teasing. Some people don't get that, but it's just the way we always have been. Is this the type of relationship you guys have? If so, he may not realize that he has stepped over the line from teasing affection to hurting you. I hope this is the case. Otherwise, you may be at the point where you have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused. This can be as damaging to a woman as physical abuse.