General chatter - Wow... talk about feeling left?




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luciddepths
08-23-2010, 09:51 PM
So... I know i shouldnt feel this way! but really i had no where to turn.

I'm 23 going on 24.. EVERYONE around me is either Married, getting married, JUST engaged or having a baby or just had one. I'm feeling alittle left in the dust if you will. Been with my sweet heart 6 years this December.


I dont want to rush him but i feel im ready for something, you know? I know he is still in school (going for physics engineering, in his last year)


I know i can't justify it, its just everywhere i look people are doing that and thats where i would like to go....Im not sure what i mean.. i just wanted to tell SOMEONE that i feel kinda sad about it.


luciddepths
08-23-2010, 09:57 PM
Also i just wanted to add we've lived together all the time we've been together but like 3 months...

the others around me are ALL my age and his age (25) and most have been together a year-3 years...(not that it makes a difference i guess but.. sigh i dont know)

Glory87
08-23-2010, 10:43 PM
I got married for the first time in February, I was 40 :)

Honestly, I can't imagine being married in my 20s!


Natasha1534
08-23-2010, 10:49 PM
I'm sure it will pass w/ time, hon. Right now you're just seeing everybody else get married or engaged and you're feeling like it's never going to happen for you. But it will...just be patient!!! ;)

ChubbyBun
08-23-2010, 11:06 PM
I know how you feel. I'm 26, recently single, and no children. I don't even know any single women. All of my girl friends are married and/or have kids. It's kinda depressing when I feel like the odd man out... but at the same time I'm doing a lot of things that they can't do or wish they could. I bet a lot of them would love to be single again, or have less responsibility, or time to do something for themselves. So it's kind of a trade off. When I stop thinking about what other people have or what they're doing I don't really feel like I'm in a rush to have all of those things. Really the only reason I feel kinda disappointed about it is because I don't really want to have children after 30 and I feel like time and my body aren't on my side haha. If it weren't for those things I'd be pretty content with my life this way for a long time. Although I still don't want to put what I'm doing right now (school/career) on hold just to get the husband and family. I'm not really ready for it yet.

I'd say if you've done all of the educational, career, and life experience type things that you want to do on your own, and you're financially and emotionally ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage and family, then go for it. And make sure he's done the same and ready for the same. You might be there, but I'd make sure he is too before you really consider it. And if he's not, but it's what you want, then you'll have to decide if it's worth waiting until he's ready. I wouldn't rush into anything just because everyone else is. :)

luciddepths
08-23-2010, 11:08 PM
Natasha thats exactly how i feel.

Aclai4067
08-23-2010, 11:20 PM
I'm 24, will be 25 in under a month. Two of my friends are married (one of them with a kid), another is engaged. And I have several aquaintances my age who are married and/or have kids. I think they're all crazy. I have no desire to be married right now. You're young, and if you're going to be with him forever, you'll be with him forever whether you have a ring on your finger right now or not.

Serbrider
08-24-2010, 12:15 AM
I'm seventeen, and everyone I know either has a boyfriend/girlfriend, or had one. I've never had one. Never been asked out... been asked to dance once... and that was primarily because the guy had nothing better to do... :p

I don't let it get me down... it just leaves more room for more personal "me" time.

BUT... as for marriage, I'm going against my parents' thoughts on this, but I don't think one has to be married immediately in order to live together and be happy and technically (in minds) be just like a married couple... however... I do believe that one should at least be legally joined (wedding or no wedding) before having kids.

Don't get you down... just enjoy life... and marry when you want to... not just because "everyone's doing it". :p

Luddy
08-24-2010, 01:38 AM
Let me preface by saying I don't judge your situation, I'm just really opinionated about this type of thing. :soap: lol

I understand feeling left out and even the pressure of settling down BUT I don't care to...
I'm 25 and have a good number of friends/acquaintances that were married at 21/22. I just got word that a 4th friend is going through a divorce. She's 3 months younger than I am.

Maybe it's because I'm a child of divorce but this is such an important thing that can't be ruled by just feeling left out. And by no means am I trying to judge your situation or pretending to understand your readiness for marriage, I promise but as a single girl from the outside, I say enjoy not having the responsibility while you can.

A married/same aged friend of mine visited me late last year and brought her husband and 3 kids. They seemed miserable. And by questions they were asking me about my life and job, it really seemed they were envious of my freedom of those responsibilities.

Even after all of this, if you came back here tomorrow engaged, I'd be really happy for you! I just feel it's something in life that needs a couple of caution signs first.

I actually have a couple of relevant cautionary tales:
One of my college roommates was dating an engineer major and he felt so pressured from her that one day he told her he wanted a break. She freaked OUT and they soon got back together (like the next day), but I always wondered if he resented her at all for stressing him out about marriage and kids at that time.

Currently, I have a co-worker who is your age and was dating a guy (mainly long-distance) for awhile. She gave us the rundown of how they were going to get married, she was going to have so many kids by the age of whatever and she was already freaking out because her plan was behind. Well, they're not together anymore...guess why.

I really don't mean to be negative Nancy here, I just want you to know it's OKAY to be happy and not 100% tied down yet, no matter what your surroundings say. *steps off soapbox*

Luddy
08-24-2010, 01:49 AM
I got married for the first time in February, I was 40 :)

Honestly, I can't imagine being married in my 20s!

Congratulations, I'm so happy for you!

I definitely can imagine myself getting married around that age and this helps enforce my thought that I don't want to be married at all in the next 5 years.

My mom is getting married next year and as weird as that will be to see her go through that, it'll still seem more normal than if it was me or my sister. When one of my friends got married at 21, her husband looked like he was dressed for prom standing up there waiting for her. It kind of depressed me for some reason.

astrophe
08-24-2010, 02:27 AM
Relax. If you have been together 6 yrs already, marriage isn't going to change a whole lot in your day to day living. If you want to propose, go ahead! I did. He said yes. :)

But don't feel like you have to rush. Where's the finish line? Then end of your life? Who wants to rush to that faster than needed?

It's about the journey with your partner. It's totally fine to take a different, longer, meandering road than your friend, sister, cousin, whoever.

We lived together, got married, lived together some more, THEN had a child. Consider giving yourself the luxury of that -- a nice long young adult couplehood to bond and strengthen. For us it was 10 years as a couple. Everyone kept asking... when are you going to get married? When are you having a house? A kid?

Like no matter what step we were at, they wanted to rush us along to the next thing somehow!

We didn't answer the Peanut Gallery. We would get there when we got there and it was right for US.

I'm in my mid 30's now and having a child threw it all upside down and inside out! Child raising is very demanding and we rarely have the time for each other like we used to. Even if we had the time and babysitter and all that? I'm not sure we have the energy!

I don't know that we'd do as well without having had LOTS of couple time first as a foundation. I know each stage of life has its charms and challenges and this early childhood time is where I am at and it is challenging!

I don't have a lot of couple time with DH and I don't have a lot of friend time for friends. Unless it can somehow be a combo kid/mom playdate, it is rare. And rare is the family where my kid likes the kid, and I like the parents! Either I like the parent and she hates the kid or she likes the kid and I don't have a lot in common with the parent or....

So it's a different kind of struggle. I imagine the 40's, 50's and so on have their dealies too.

Hang in there!
A.

CanadianCutie
08-24-2010, 07:58 AM
I'll speak as one that got married early. There is no rush. If you're getting married because you feel left behind, or have a baby for this reason it's not the right reason. My ex rushed our marriage so we'd be married before my cousin and her husband.
Marry someone/procreate with them because you can't imagine/remember life without them. Live for yourselves, but love each other.

nelie
08-24-2010, 08:06 AM
I would also say don't base your relationship on the relationships of others.

170starting
08-24-2010, 08:40 AM
So... I know i shouldnt feel this way! but really i had no where to turn.

I'm 23 going on 24.. EVERYONE around me is either Married, getting married, JUST engaged or having a baby or just had one. I'm feeling alittle left in the dust if you will. Been with my sweet heart 6 years this December.


I dont want to rush him but i feel im ready for something, you know? I know he is still in school (going for physics engineering, in his last year)


I know i can't justify it, its just everywhere i look people are doing that and thats where i would like to go....Im not sure what i mean.. i just wanted to tell SOMEONE that i feel kinda sad about it.

I will be 25 in a little over a week and I know how you are feeling. My friends are getting married and having children and I dont seem to be falling into that category. I was in a horrible relationship until March of this year... which was when I finally got the courage to leave. He was married 3 months after my departure. I was heartbroken but I am so grateful that I didnt marry him or jump into something I was unsure of.

Yes, many people are getting married - and many will get divorced. Wait until it is your time and you are sure of it.

:hug: you are not alone.

ChubbyBun
08-24-2010, 08:51 AM
He was married 3 months after my departure. I was heartbroken but I am so grateful that I didnt marry him or jump into something I was unsure of.

This happened to me this year. He left me with no explanation or closure, without even saying we were over, and a month later he married someone else. I found out later that he had been telling her he was going to marry her too, even while we were planning a wedding together. I know how you feel. :( But I agree with you, I'm glad I didn't marry the b*stard.

CarbsAreEvil
08-24-2010, 09:06 AM
I kind of feel the same way even though for me, it is a little unreasonable. We've been together for 2 years and we both want to marry each other, his finances are just in NO position to support a family. BUT I want him to hurry up and get them ready, therefore, I told him that we should be celibate until marriage and he's a christian so he thought it would be a difficult, but good idea. I just thought to myself, if he's already getting what a husband gets, why marry me?

No offense, but I'm an honest person and men think logically. If you're already living with him, you're probably also having sex and all of that other great stuff... what would be the point in marrying you? He already has the benefits of marriage without coughing up a ring.

sacha
08-24-2010, 01:37 PM
Your man is a logical one, in the last year of engineering right? Logically, it makes no sense (financially or practically) to get engaged and plan a wedding in his last year of university (which I assume is an intense program).

My best friend was like your man ... yes, my "BFF" is male, and he proposed a few weeks ago - after 10 years (we are all 26). I've had heart-to-heart conversations with him over the years as to why he hadn't proposed yet to his girlfriend, and it all came down to practicality and finances. I'm sorry you feel hurt about that, it's not the same for us women, isn't it?

I'm 26 and we have lived together for several years and have a baby (I was 6 months pregnant when he proposed). We are technically engaged, but don't have any immediate plans (and those plans are just a BBQ). Everyone else is married. I feel just as confident in my relationship, I know it has nothing to do with love, but just our situation with money/practicality.

salsa chip
08-24-2010, 05:25 PM
Oh, I know how you feel. I turned 30 a couple of months ago, and everyone around me is paired up or engaged or has kids or is already divorced. It's really hard. I don't know how to get through it either, except to tell myself that I have my work to focus on and that, along with looking after myself, deserves my attention.

But it's really not easy :hug: :(

EagleRiverDee
08-24-2010, 05:32 PM
Well, I've been single my entire adult life and I've seen my friend through their first and second marriages. Some are on their third marriage now. After watching the disaster that divorce is, I'm glad I didn't rush into anything. I've been with my sweetie for 9 years now and we do plan to marry but we're in no rush (obviously). I'll be his second wife. But he'll be my first (and hopefully only!) hubby!

luciddepths
08-24-2010, 07:36 PM
thanks 170 :)

its more a feeling, its odd thats all. I'm not basing my relationships on others. Its just i see it going on, i know thats where we are headed. I just feel ok i'm ready. (DEFINITELY NOT FOR KIDS, no freaking way.. if it happened whatever BUT we're not actively seeking them. haha)


I dont tell him how i feel about this because i DO NOT want to pressure him, I just love being with him. I know we've been together a long time etc. I know a ring wont change anything its more the IDEA that he wants that and declares it? if that makes sense. I personally do not care if there is a ring. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone, its just him taking a step forward. Even if we were engaged for 5-10 years. I wouldnt care. Its just he took that step to be like "hey you :P your what i want" I know he does but it makes it more official in my mind.


Sometimes i feel alittle conflicted, we talked about it not that long ago and he asked me when i wanted to get married i said "oh no way you tell me when YOU would like to" haha "june 2011" "ok, where" and we sort of went from there, but if i mention ANYTHING about it, it becomes "dont worry about it, thats so far away from now"

So who knows, just gonna wait it out :P

CarbsAreEvil
08-24-2010, 08:41 PM
Yikes. Withholding sex until you get what you want doesn't sound like an overly healthy relationship, and it rarely works in favor of the one using the sex as a weapon.

I'm of the opinion that a man doesn't have to be suckered into marriage. There are just as many men who want marriage as there are women. Nobody should feel the need to manipulate someone into marrying them, especially knowing they wouldn't otherwise want to.

It would only be suckering if he didn't want to get married. And I'm not into making anyone marry me who doesn't want to. But it is salting the oats, and we're both cool with it and actually... I've heard that abstinence actually does work in favor of marriage... But what do the experts know...

And to add to that... do you really want to marry a man who can't be with you if there is no sex involved? It's really sad to me when women feel like they've got to use their vagina to keep a man.

nelie
08-24-2010, 09:44 PM
It would only be suckering if he didn't want to get married. And I'm not into making anyone marry me who doesn't want to. But it is salting the oats, and we're both cool with it and actually... I've heard that abstinence actually does work in favor of marriage... But what do the experts know...

And to add to that... do you really want to marry a man who can't be with you if there is no sex involved? It's really sad to me when women feel like they've got to use their vagina to keep a man.

I do hope you realize that people have varying views about sex and their sexual relationships. If someone has sex with someone, I wouldn't say they are trying to keep a man or even a woman but because they feel it is the right thing to do for their relationship :)

luciddepths
08-24-2010, 11:50 PM
OO! i didnt see the 2nd page.. oi me!

Thank you guys so much, everyone has such valid points!


Sacha!!! YES my man is a man of Logic.. it rules him :D and i LOVE it. I sometimes need someone like yourself to point that out to me.. ahaha because it DOESNT make sense to do it now, not saying we would get married right away. But yes.. Thank you for that :D Yes, huge course load, when he is done he will have a degree in Physics.. then an Engineering Physics degree.



Carbs, sorry love.. i would NEVER with hold it, ever (1. because he = awesome. 2. i'm a firm believer in knowing someone fully, in all ways. 3. I'm not religious i'm rather atheist or agnostic.)
And i'm not trying to be "that person" but your previous post kind of stated that you were using your Hooha to keep/get what you want. So your posts are contradicting themselves. Also these marriage experts also state the opposite, it really depends on the couple.

briters89
08-24-2010, 11:52 PM
I am only 21 and married. My husband and I were together for 6 years before we were married, and I was very jealous of people around me, as well. It IS frustrating when people who have been together for 2 years go and get married before you. I totally understand. I was able to graduate college before we were married, and while we are struggling financially, I can't imagine not being a college graduate and trying to survive. My husband and I did not live together before we were married, so we were able to save. Anyway, have patience, because you will be thankful for waiting when your time comes. Go and snuggle with your hunni, and ignore that piece of paper that the government tells us is so important.

mandalinn82
08-24-2010, 11:56 PM
I just want to say, not every group of friends marries as early as yours do! I was 24 at mine, and I was the very first of my little cohort of friends to get married...more weddings are starting to trickle in now, but honestly, 24 isn't "old" by any means. In fact, we were together 6 years before we got married, for the simple reason that we WERE quite young and wanted to be graduated from college and established and more grown up before we took that step (we're both logical, too).

luciddepths
08-25-2010, 12:02 AM
hahaha i know it isnt old :P


aww i wish i could go snuggle with him hes been gone since april, workin :P he comes home next week!!!!

briters89
08-25-2010, 12:03 AM
Wow, since April! Is he in the military?

luciddepths
08-25-2010, 12:08 AM
annddd some pics of us :P
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs138.ash2/40254_418370648173_505353173_4858823_3577391_n.jpg
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs144.ash2/40517_418377843173_505353173_4859117_5593714_n.jpg
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs134.ash2/40049_418119818173_505353173_4853677_7302939_n.jpg
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-ash1/v130/112/19/505353173/n505353173_240386_6002.jpg

thats us a few years ago, him picking my nose.. im pretty sure that had him laughing so hard he was crying. :P also dont mind the other pics :P no make up no nothiN! campin!

luciddepths
08-25-2010, 12:09 AM
No, this summer he is helping his dad with their farm, they have a big BIG farm.. and its about 3 hours away, hes been home about 4-5 times for a day or two here and there.. but finally he is HOME for good~!!

CarbsAreEvil
08-25-2010, 11:54 AM
OO! i didnt see the 2nd page.. oi me!

Thank you guys so much, everyone has such valid points!


Sacha!!! YES my man is a man of Logic.. it rules him :D and i LOVE it. I sometimes need someone like yourself to point that out to me.. ahaha because it DOESNT make sense to do it now, not saying we would get married right away. But yes.. Thank you for that :D Yes, huge course load, when he is done he will have a degree in Physics.. then an Engineering Physics degree.



Carbs, sorry love.. i would NEVER with hold it, ever (1. because he = awesome. 2. i'm a firm believer in knowing someone fully, in all ways. 3. I'm not religious i'm rather atheist or agnostic.)
And i'm not trying to be "that person" but your previous post kind of stated that you were using your Hooha to keep/get what you want. So your posts are contradicting themselves. Also these marriage experts also state the opposite, it really depends on the couple.

I would never suggest that you stop having sex or do anything at all for that matter, it's not really my concern. I'm just giving my opinion.

leannerenee
08-25-2010, 12:08 PM
Luciddepths, I am with you! Only I'm 30 and my family has been weighing in on it for the past few years, too. But you know what? I've always said that I won't settle.

I was in my 9th wedding in April. In 2008, I was in two weddings within a month of friends I thought were settling. One of those friends filed for divorce three weeks ago. Before she filed, she told me how jealous she was of MY life and the fact that I can be single and happy and not compromise on what I expect from a boyfriend. She also said I was the only person other than her parents who tried telling her not to go through with the marriage.

It's not easy. I am so envious of people getting married/ having children sometimes that I could SCREAM. But I know that one day I might meet someone I want to share my life with and rushing it is not going to be the answer. All I can do is be happy for my friends and family when they take these steps, try to give my honest opinion when they are making mistakes and be there if something goes wrong.

SouthLake
08-25-2010, 01:13 PM
It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with someone who cares a lot about you, and about his future. Put the two together and I see a strong and lasting relationship.
But, before you get too tweaked about not being part of the married or engaged set- ask yourself this- how much is being married going to change your everyday life? A good friend of mine recently got married to a wonderful guy she's been living with for several years. She confessed to me that, even though she's happy to be married, it really hasn't changed anything (other than they have new dishes and towels) Don't fall into the trap of wanting something too badly and building it up to be something bigger than it is.
With that said- are you secure in your relationship? Are you confident that he loves you? Do you feel as if he wants to be with you for the rest of your life? Then, good. If not, be open and honest with him about where you're feeling a little insecure.

And- feeling "left" doesn't just happen to the single folk. At 24 and married for four years (I know, I got married young!) and together for 7, I was the first to get married out of my friends. But, here I am, watching all of my other "less married" friends buy houses, get settled, etc. while that's still a goal DH and I have to put off a few years. In the end, though I struggle with jealousy, I'm exceedingly happy with my husband and our relationship, even if we don't own our own house (yet). Just as you can be exceedingly happy with your boyfriend and your relationship, even if you don't have a ring (yet)

As a side note to Carbs, please be a little more careful in your advocacy for celibacy- informing a woman that her boyfriend has no reason to marry her if she is having sex with him is both insulting by implying that a woman's only value is sex, and degrading to marriage by reducing it to nothing other than a sexual relationship. Also, implying that celibacy is a weapon or tool that we can use to get men to marry us is insulting to those of us who have practiced it based on a deeply rooted belief system.

CarbsAreEvil
08-25-2010, 03:39 PM
It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with someone who cares a lot about you, and about his future. Put the two together and I see a strong and lasting relationship.
But, before you get too tweaked about not being part of the married or engaged set- ask yourself this- how much is being married going to change your everyday life? A good friend of mine recently got married to a wonderful guy she's been living with for several years. She confessed to me that, even though she's happy to be married, it really hasn't changed anything (other than they have new dishes and towels) Don't fall into the trap of wanting something too badly and building it up to be something bigger than it is.
With that said- are you secure in your relationship? Are you confident that he loves you? Do you feel as if he wants to be with you for the rest of your life? Then, good. If not, be open and honest with him about where you're feeling a little insecure.

And- feeling "left" doesn't just happen to the single folk. At 24 and married for four years (I know, I got married young!) and together for 7, I was the first to get married out of my friends. But, here I am, watching all of my other "less married" friends buy houses, get settled, etc. while that's still a goal DH and I have to put off a few years. In the end, though I struggle with jealousy, I'm exceedingly happy with my husband and our relationship, even if we don't own our own house (yet). Just as you can be exceedingly happy with your boyfriend and your relationship, even if you don't have a ring (yet)

As a side note to Carbs, please be a little more careful in your advocacy for celibacy- informing a woman that her boyfriend has no reason to marry her if she is having sex with him is both insulting by implying that a woman's only value is sex, and degrading to marriage by reducing it to nothing other than a sexual relationship. Also, implying that celibacy is a weapon or tool that we can use to get men to marry us is insulting to those of us who have practiced it based on a deeply rooted belief system.

I don't think i was advocating celibacy. In fact, my point wasn't about sex at all. You all just got caught up on the SEX part... seems like a personal issue. I mean seriously, did I ever say that he won't marry you if you're having sex? **** no. Me and my boyfriend have been having sex since a month after we started dating and he's wanted to marry me all during that. My mom certainly was no virgin when she and my father married, like most other humans. Why in the world would I say a man won't marry you if you're having sex? Perhaps you should have sought to understand where I was coming from first.

My POINT was that they were already living together, which is what married people do, and they were already having sex as well, another thing married people do... seeing as they are already living the lives of married people, why would he go through the extra trouble of buying a ring, and planning a ceremony, to get something he's always had? You made the same point, getting married won't change much seeing as they already live together. So for no other reason than making a legal declaration, why get married? It's just common sense.

It's like if you want someone to get a job, surely you don't think giving them $1,000 a week is going to make them do it.

I'm not trying to promote anything, I seriously couldn't care less how people live their lives. But if you've got a problem and you post it, I'm going to give my opinion. Don't like it... oh well.

GonnaTurnHeads
08-26-2010, 03:11 AM
I am *so* with you. I will be 27 in a few months and it seems like all my friends are having babies, owning their own homes... My cousin who is only 3 months younger than me, we were always compared to each other, etc... is pregnant with her 3rd, with a wonderful husband a big house that they own outright because it was a wedding gift...

I live in an apartment that I struggle to maintain and although I really want a baby, I am no where NEAR being ready for one and even question if I could handle a puppy. I am in a LTR, but we have no plans on getting married.

It feels very isolating to go back home and visit the family and everyone has their babies, doting husbands, pretty rings and talk about home renovations... and its like "So, what are you up to?" "oh me? well, i go to the gym a lot... i work when I can.. um... I hang out at this dive bar with the bf a couple times a week... um..... I've been THINKING about grad school at some point..."

I have no words of advice other than - we may not have babies - but we get to sleep through the night, sleep in any morning we want, go see whatever movies we feel like, don't have to pay someone to sit at home with a child when we want to go get a drink and have a lot more freedom! Everything will come with time... I hope!

2phatinvictoria
08-26-2010, 05:18 AM
everyone around me are also doing the marriage and kid thing and im only 22. Actually a buddy of mine is 22 with 2 kids and getting a divorce. If you want to get married talk to him about it. Youve been together long enough to at least be able to talk about it

leopardspots
08-26-2010, 12:06 PM
I agree with Carbs are Evil. I didn't see anything about withholding sex in her posts.

I think that having a sexual relationship prior to marriage is really important, but I think living with a boyfriend and being completely available to him gives a man little incentive to marry. I don't think it is about tricking a man, but I think that most men would find themselves content with the situation and not willing to change the status quo. Men don't work on clocks the way women do (i.e. get married by such and such an age, start getting pregnant by a certain age, etc. We have a much more limited window for reproduction then men.)

My husband is also a logical engineer. I would stay with him for a week or so at a time, but wouldn't consider moving in with him until their was a real commitment from him. The way it worked out was that I moved in with him after we were married. We had been together for 4+ years and I told him that if we wanted to get married I wanted to get engaged soon. IMO, after 4+ years a man knows whether he wants to marry you or not. If he says he does and makes excuses, he doesn't want to. A logical guy would know that getting engaged doesn't mean a trip down the aisle immediatly.

Lucid, you are still young and I know the social pressure is there, but I think after 6+ years and living together you are absolutly entitled to talk about a real commitment and a general timeline. At least to let him know what your expectations are. If he is unwilling to talk about it or talk about getting engaged, I would suggest moving on, not an ultimatium. There is no sense wasting your youth and your childbearing years on someone who isn't sure about your relationship after 6+ years or doesn't value something so important to you.

Lifestyle and relationships don't magically change after marriage, but don't believe a marriage is "only a piece of paper" if you want to have a marriage, not just a wedding. Spend time planning your marriage, not just your wedding, and you likely won't end up a statistic. Don't feel guilty for wanting a marriage, not just a live-in boyfriend.

Of course, I don't mean an offense to couples that are not married and live together. Some people are completely content with that situation and I don't judge that. My advice is geared toward a woman that wants a marriage.

Good luck to you!

luciddepths
08-26-2010, 08:21 PM
Oh i am not settling, marriage is not that important to me if i had to choose it or Him. No way in the world. I'd choose him, marriage or not. I couldnt imagine NOT living with him. Again no way

its more a feeling of "ok ready for the next step", its not huge. He doesnt make excuses. The only thing it comes down to is finances and him being in school which really are logical reasons not to get married.


I like your suggestion about plan your marriage. Thats a neat way to think of it.



I just want to put this out there: I love him, would never think of anyone else to spend my life with :) with or with out marriage papers. I understand his reasons for not - finances/schooling..etc. Because he does want a bit larger of one when we do have one so finances hinder that.

I know it will happen one day, I know kids will happen one day (i hope later than sooner haha). I just felt funny seeing all those around me being with people less time and them all going to that step. But when i look at them all they are all out of school...etc.

Natasha1534
08-27-2010, 03:14 AM
I agree with Carbs are Evil. I didn't see anything about withholding sex in her posts.

Okay, I will agree she didn't SPECIFICALLY say the words "WITHHOLD SEX"...but surely you both can see why people took this...

We've been together for 2 years and we both want to marry each other, his finances are just in NO position to support a family. BUT I want him to hurry up and get them ready, therefore, I told him that we should be celibate until marriage and he's a christian so he thought it would be a difficult, but good idea. I just thought to myself, if he's already getting what a husband gets, why marry me?

...as that, right???

leopardspots
08-27-2010, 01:31 PM
Natasha,

No, I don't see the suggestion of remaining celibate until marriage as withholding sex. My impression of reading that was that she threw the idea out there and he agreed with the idea. It wasn't an ultimatum. Some couples do go through periods of time where they abstain from sex, not to punish their partner, but as an experiment to change the dynamic of the relationship. Or they abstain because they think it will make the wedding night special. Withholding in my mind involves punishing or ultimatums. "He never helps around the house, he's not getting any" or "Unless I get a rock on my finger, I'm sleeping alone." Those sorts of things definitely do not work and just piss guys off.

Lucid,

I am glad that the two of you are very happy together. Finances and school are definitely legitimate reasons to wait. I just think that at this point you should know or feel comfortable discussing whether or not marriage is in his plans or not. Communication is key.

sacha
08-27-2010, 02:19 PM
You cannot be serious. Contrary to popular belief, sex can be enjoyable for women, too, and some of us have sex because *we* want to.

LOL yep... I annoy my poor DH with my pestering for sex, and I had a baby 9 weeks ago!

OP and her boyfriend sound like they are doing great, it's just not the right time for him to propose, financially or time-wise. I'm sure something will come up once that stuff is out of the way :P A lot of men would never dare ask a woman to marry them until they have finished school and established some kind of career. They often see it as an essential part of being a husband ~ the need to provide for his family.

luciddepths
08-27-2010, 07:45 PM
Sacha i think thats exactly what it is :)

i just wanted to vent and sigh! haha

salsa chip
08-27-2010, 08:09 PM
"You can't get some anymore until you marry me" is nothing BUT using sex as a weapon to get what you want. This is SO incredibly different than someone who really does believe in abstinence before marriage.

Dangerously off-topic, but I really want to respond to this.

There are people who believe in no sex before marriage. There are people who believe that no sex before marriage is...insert derogatory adjective in here.

But people change their minds, switch from one to the other, and this is possible within the span of a relationship (thank goodness).

Someone can be in a sexual non-married relationship, and then whilst thinking about marriage, can come to the conclusion that she or he does want to abstain until marriage. There can be many reasons for this, only one of which is 'using sex as a weapon to pressure the other into marriage'. Please don't assume that the one necessarily implies the other.

(For completeness, someone can change their minds in the other direction, of course, too.)

luciddepths
08-27-2010, 11:25 PM
Yeah its a bit off topic, but i mean its part of marriage so not really :D
its all good :)

Natasha1534
08-27-2010, 11:42 PM
Natasha,

No, I don't see the suggestion of remaining celibate until marriage as withholding sex. My impression of reading that was that she threw the idea out there and he agreed with the idea. It wasn't an ultimatum. Some couples do go through periods of time where they abstain from sex, not to punish their partner, but as an experiment to change the dynamic of the relationship. Or they abstain because they think it will make the wedding night special. Withholding in my mind involves punishing or ultimatums. "He never helps around the house, he's not getting any" or "Unless I get a rock on my finger, I'm sleeping alone." Those sorts of things definitely do not work and just piss guys off.

LOL...yes, and she threw out the idea b/c she wanted him to hurry up and get his finances in order. Her words, not mine. ;)

But anyway, sounds like the OP got it off her chest and feels better about it now, so I'm glad to hear that for sure. ;) I have no doubt if the two of you have already discussed marriage to the point that it sounds like you have (big wedding, after school is done, etc) then it will be happening for you. It sounds like he wants to be financially secure so that he can provide for you and any kids you may have. I think that's really sweet...it sounds like you've got a good one. ;)

shasha12
09-04-2010, 05:56 PM
lucid- :) i feel ya... sorta. i've been with my wonderful, sweet, loving, caring, funny, cuddly, sexy man for over 5 years now. I want to plan a wedding!! But I know we're not financially ready for it, and we refuse to let our families pay for the party. That's literally the only reason we aren't married. We want a rockin' party, and WE want to throw it. It gets frustrating watching ppl around us getting married left and right. And not just getting married either, but settling for less than they deserve because they feel like it's time, or they should, or something... I've watched a good friend, my 19 yr old cousin, AND my 2 sisters all meet and marry questionable guys within the time that I've been with my sexy man. Sad, especially bc I know there are guys like our guys out there!

But for the most part, I take solace (as should you) in the fact that I know with all of my heart and soul that this is the person I'm supposed to be with. And i AM with him. He's in it as much as I am, and we are happy. Which is the important part, right? But when we do get married, it's gonna be fab :D

luciddepths
09-06-2010, 01:11 AM
ehehe amen to that~ i guess thats a better word Frustrating.

walking2lose
09-06-2010, 01:54 AM
I got married for the first time in February, I was 40 :)

Honestly, I can't imagine being married in my 20s!

I was 35 and have been happily married now for six years. I had a long term relationship in my 20s - we lived together and it wasn't *terrible*. However, had I married him, I'd be divorced now OR unhappily married. Really, there's no reason to rush just because your friends are doing it.