100 lb. Club - DH Vent...




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PinkHoodie
08-21-2010, 01:43 PM
I gotta let this out somewhere safe. Where I know no one will judge me or my hubby to harshly. But I am afraid if I don't let it out, I am going to start eating.
First off, I love my DH SO much. He has been such a rock of strength for me through some really hard times. He has always loved me no matter what. And accepted me for some of the dumb things I do.
But I have been working out so hard. My eating is a hit or miss some days, but I am seeing results. I went to the store today and tried on a size 16W and it fit. This is huge for me! I have been in 22W for years and years. All he did was just nod his head. I mean, I thought I looked so good, especially compared to how I used to. I ended up buying the 18's just because I still have too much tummy flab... :P
Anyhow, then we are walking out of the store, and there is this skinny girl walking in front of us and I see him looking at her. I know that's such a guy thing, most of them do it. I came home put the pants back on, and the XL shirt I got from American Eagle that actually fit, and he didn't say anything. Just kept doing what he was doing. I stopped him and he just shrugged his shoulders.
It really hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like I will never look good enough to him, for him to turn his head when he sees me. I know that he loves me, but after being married for almost 7 years, I wonder if I have just killed any physical attraction he had to me.
I could be totally over reacting (probably) because I think TOM is here. But it really hurt my feelings. I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge because I honestly felt like giving up right then. But I'm trying to make myself realize that if I'm not doing this for me, its not going to work. But it still hurt....
OK thanks for letting me let that out...go back to your lives citizens...


Scilla
08-21-2010, 01:55 PM
Sad to say theres eye candy everywhere you go. . Its human nature to look at other people. I do it to my husband, does it make me a bad person? No, Im a harmless flirt. He knows who rocks my world && who is # 1 in my eyes. Its just normal to look at other people. I assure you he meant nothing by it. I flirt with people infront of my hubby && my hubby will do it to me. We are secure && know that looking with your eyes is harmless.


You are ok babe, hes supporting you && LOVES you. Dont read too much into it ;)

Ciao
08-21-2010, 02:13 PM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1-1.jpg

I think it's fine that you're feeling
hurt and that you wanted him to
notice. I've been there a couple
times too. Whenever I put something
really cute on I want my fiancÚ to
notice. But sometimes he's busy doing
something else and it hurts a lot.
When I talk to him about it he says
he didn't mean to not notice, he was
just occupied. Your husband still loves
you and I'm sure he's so proud of the
progress you're making. :hug:

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1.jpg


dragonwoman64
08-21-2010, 03:06 PM
I don't know what may be going on in his head, but there is a dynamic that goes on with couples when one member loses weight or changes in some way that upsets the "balance."

keep doing what you're doing for you, looks, health, self esteem. you two may have to work out some bugs, but don't let it stop you.

PS yes, he's being insensitive and not so nice, imho. at the same time, guys don't always get how much this stuff means to women.

big **hugs**

Shmead
08-21-2010, 04:09 PM
One, men look at as once, the day they fall in love, and never look at us again. Whatever weight you were then is likely how he "sees" you, so any change (plus or minus) he really doesn't notice.

Second, even if he does notice the difference, would you really feel better if he gushed about how much better you look? Wouldn't that just make you wonder how he was feeling before, that he's so excited now? Men know women are "weird" about weight, and they often just say nothing to avoid saying the wrong thing.

PinkHoodie
08-21-2010, 05:33 PM
Thanks for all the support. DH and I talked, so I feel better now. It was mostly just because I feel like he hasn't been cheering me on. I try to be a cheerleader for him in his job, schooling, any way I can, but sometimes feel he doesn't do the same for me.
He's gonna try harder...I know a lot of this is TOM because I get like this every time, but I never realize until after lol.
Thanks again for listening to me vent. :)

Trazey34
08-21-2010, 05:55 PM
you know, there's a scene in a movie I absolutely love, where a bunch of guys are playing pool and a ridiculously hot girl in a skimpy dress comes in and they all drool. One guy is chalking his pool cue and says "You know, somewhere, there's a guy who's tired of f**king her" LOL it's so true!!! Dudes LOOK on occasion, super model girls' boyfriends LOOK - it's human nature (heck we do it too -- anyone watch True Blood?? OMG the guy playing Alcide??? ack!!!) don't let it get under your skin. Smack him on the back of the head next time if it'll make you feel better!

boots
08-21-2010, 07:33 PM
Okay well let me be the ***** then :p

I call that story "a red flag"

Now it may not be that he's manipulative and controlling or an emotionally abusive person, but when you see ONE red flag, you should check the list and see if you find more, if you find MORE than one, THEN you've got a problem on your hands.

No one should be with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. EVERY woman needs to watch the movie "He's just not that into you" as it debunks a thousand fallacies that we're taught to believe. Seriously, put YOUR feelings and YOUR gut reactions FIRST! Don't ignore them, don't rationalize them away with "he's just a man, men do that!" NO! don't DO IT! Listen TO YOUR GUT and YOUR FEELINGS! Do NOT rationalize them away!

And EVERY WOMAN should read this list, the ENTIRE list. I'm serious. Read it.

Most Comprehensive Red Flag List EVAR (http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml) (the filter won't let the site go through, you'll have to replace the stars and manually type in the "b" word to see the actual list LOL)

Time to be a heartless *****. Don't waste your time with a loser who can't appreciate how damned amazing you are. And my husband would be f-ing dead if he looked at another woman obviously while walking beside me, because he'd better f-ing know how damned lucky he is that I walk beside him in public in the first place.

boots
08-21-2010, 07:41 PM
It really hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like I will never look good enough to him, for him to turn his head when he sees me. I know that he loves me, but after being married for almost 7 years, I wonder if I have just killed any physical attraction he had to me.
I could be totally over reacting (probably) because I think TOM is here. But it really hurt my feelings. I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge because I honestly felt like giving up right then. But I'm trying to make myself realize that if I'm not doing this for me, its not going to work. But it still hurt....
OK thanks for letting me let that out...go back to your lives citizens...

btw...why do YOU blame YOURSELF for HIS douche-behavior?

HE was the one looking at another girl? HE's the one not cheering you on? How is that YOUR fault? How are YOU responsible for making him a douchebag?

Thanks for all the support. DH and I talked, so I feel better now. It was mostly just because I feel like he hasn't been cheering me on. I try to be a cheerleader for him in his job, schooling, any way I can, but sometimes feel he doesn't do the same for me.
He's gonna try harder...I know a lot of this is TOM because I get like this every time, but I never realize until after lol.
Thanks again for listening to me vent. :)

Again, how is it your TOM's fault that he hurt your feelings?


I see you taking a lot of responsibility here, when its NOT YOUR FAULT!


and listen to your feelings. Listen to your gut. Don't ignore them and then go and excuse his bad behavior.

and seriously, read through the ENTIRE red flag list and just see if there's anything else that jumps out at you. You deserve to be with someone who both loves you and ACTS like he loves you, not just SAYS it. I'm not saying he's not that person, I'm just saying, you ought to be sure.

Its never OKAY for someone to hurt you. And its not just "him being a man". That is NOT an acceptable excuse for hurting someone else, especially someone who loves you.

shannonmb
08-22-2010, 05:42 AM
I don't know, I would probably chalk it up to TOM, too. I know I sometimes get super-sensitive at that time and make a mountain out of a molehill. I also think a lot of times men can be pretty dense. If I want my DH to notice something getting smaller, I say "Hey, look, don't my feet look littler? They were starting to look like your mom's feet!"

In a way it would be nice if he would notice every little change my body makes and go on and on about how great I'm looking, but on the other hand, he didn't make comments on every little pound I have GAINED since we've been together (a lot!), so I guess I prefer to think of it as someone else was saying -- when he looks at me, he sees ME, not how many pounds I've gained or lost recently. And if I need his reinforcement, I just ask. Now if he responded "whatever fata$$, you look the same to me!" THEN we would have a problem! hahaha

boots
08-22-2010, 10:08 AM
Yeah I guess I just think too highly of myself to think that I should chalk away 25% of my life, my feelings and my sanity to "oh, thats just how life is, during that 'time' of the month I can't trust my feelings or my sanity". Life isn't that long, I need to know that I'm a reliable source of recognizing my feelings 100% of the time.

Besides, if you don't respect your feelings, no one else will either.

if respecting your heart 75% of the time works for you, thats fine. Thats your choice.


Granted, if I want to jump the mail guy out of horniness, I'll blame THAT on my hormones, but getting POed because my man acted like a douche bag, MY HORMONES don't affect HIS BEHAVIOR, nor am I going to excuse his behavior with my hormones.


As women, if we always make excuses for them and always rationalize away being hurt.....they'll keep acting the way they act and keep hurting us over and over and over again. I'm personally no longer "okay" with being hurt by someone. Especially repeatedly. If I'm hurt by someone now, I look for patterns.


Bottom line: if you feel he's gawking at other women, he probably is, are YOU okay with that? (and NO do NOT excuse it as "he's just a man", there is NO excuse good enough for hurting and humiliating you!)

If you feel he's ignoring you? He probably is, are YOU okay with that?

Did he hurt you? Are YOU okay with that?


My dad always told me that a woman determines her level of respect that she receives from her spouse. Are you OKAY with how you're being treated? and more importantly, if you tell him you're not okay with it, does he stop?

PinkHoodie
08-22-2010, 01:04 PM
I don't know, I would probably chalk it up to TOM, too. I know I sometimes get super-sensitive at that time and make a mountain out of a molehill. I also think a lot of times men can be pretty dense. If I want my DH to notice something getting smaller, I say "Hey, look, don't my feet look littler? They were starting to look like your mom's feet!"

In a way it would be nice if he would notice every little change my body makes and go on and on about how great I'm looking, but on the other hand, he didn't make comments on every little pound I have GAINED since we've been together (a lot!), so I guess I prefer to think of it as someone else was saying -- when he looks at me, he sees ME, not how many pounds I've gained or lost recently. And if I need his reinforcement, I just ask. Now if he responded "whatever fata$$, you look the same to me!" THEN we would have a problem! hahaha

I think you hit it for me. I think when he looks at me he's not saying "oh look how much smaller her arms are, or look at her waist". He just sees me. Which is the same for me. Like when he complains that I didn't notice a long nose hair the other day lol....I just don't critique him like that either. But I critique myself whenever I look in the mirror.
As for the other comments, I would be really sad if I gave up on a marriage because my DH did something like this. He has a good heart. But he is human just like everyone else. He gets tired, he gets cranky, he says things he doesn't mean. I also do all of the above. TOM does make me VERY onery. Every time a few days before it starts, I start freaking out about everything...and it makes it worse with PCOS I think because I don't have regular ones. So they hit harder and my hormones go all crazy, probably more so then others.
I'm glad most people could see that yeah maybe even though his comments or attitude were not the best, I still love him. And the other thing I didn't mention was this all happened after I had been snapping at him all morning and complaing about everything that I wish was different in life...so I'm lucky he didn't say something a lot more rude! And I'm not excusing his behavior. But after being chewed out for an hour or two I am not sure I would have not said something rude to him if the roles were reversed.
Anyhow, I would be happy to let this thread die. I love my hubby, I just needed to let out feelings that I was feeling.
Thanks for giving me a place to do that! :D

AZ Sunrises
08-22-2010, 03:29 PM
I'm guessing he's noticed and likes...but he's not going to make a big deal out of it. If he was super-excited about the loss and you regained a few pounds, you're going to make yourself crazy wondering if he finds you less attractive. :) Men are oblivious to a lot of things, but weight is one of those things where most of them tread lightly with comments period.

Latchkey Princess
08-22-2010, 05:48 PM
I know you said you would be happy if this thread died, but I had to chime in (sorry!). My TOM turns me into a paranoid crazy lady too (and you don't even WANT to know how nuts I am when I preggo and full of hormones 24/7!). I get really upset over things that make no sense ... We drive past a girl running in short shorts? Dh was staring at her, checking her out, gotta call him out on it now! Never mind he was looking at the radio at that particular moment and never even saw her. Dh didn't realize that I painted my toe nails a different color?! Initiate complete melt down! Never mind that I've been wearing socks and he hasn't seen my toes yet, or that I only painted them one shade lighter than the shade I was wearing before... lol I always end up apologizing to him once TOM is over. After 10 years of this he just laughs and says he loves me no matter what. That said, it's good you talked. Maybe he wasn't aware you needed such vocal support. Some women get upset when guys say "Wow, you're looking so much smaller!" Or "Those pants make you look tiny!" like "What, I looked BIG before?!".

And I agree with the conclusion that everyone looks at other people, I do it, and my dh does it. It's not just man's nature, it's human nature, it's how we're hard wired.

rachael
08-22-2010, 06:21 PM
I would hate it if every time I didn't say what my husband wanted me to say that he ticked off a mental checkmark indicating that I had done another red flag behavior or if I looked at a handsome man he did the same. Simply looking at another person is not a red flag behavior in my book. We are far less likely to notice all of the less attractive people that our partners look at because we are not threatened by it, but they still look. People look at people. Part of being in a relationship is being able to resolve those things.

The original poster was clearly just venting about a normal thingin a relationship and it seems weird to me to jump to the conclusion that this is indicative of a failing relationship. If this were a pattern of constant, purposeful attempts to make her feel bad, that would be another story.

I'm glad you guys could talk about it and work it out in a healthy way.

dragonwoman64
08-22-2010, 06:44 PM
My TOM turns me into a paranoid crazy lady too

And I agree with the conclusion that everyone looks at other people, I do it, and my dh does it. It's not just man's nature, it's human nature, it's how we're hard wired.

I'm sorry too for not letting it drop :o but I do have to say this is true for me too about TOM, my hormones have made me say totally kookie things, and there IS NO WINNING with the "how do I look" comments when I'm in that mode!

and it's dang hard not to look sometimes, for me, sure, and for bf.

shannonmb
08-22-2010, 08:47 PM
Sorry from me, too, for not letting it die. :o But I just wanted to add that I do own my feelings all the time, but yes, my DH would probably have a right to make a red flag list on me during TOM. I wouldn't say 25% of the time, cause it's really only bad about 3 days. So I'd guess about 10%. hahahaha Sometimes when I'm rattling on about something, or in tears for something that simply would NOT make me cry at any other time, I actually am AWARE that I am psycho-ing out, but I can't really stop myself. Then I feel guilty and embarrassed, and I appreciate the fact that he can overlook it. Maybe I am flawed, but that does make it easier for me to overlook the occasional faux-pas from others, including the man I love, even though he has the nerve to think Megan Fox is a hottie.

BTW Trazey -- Alcide from True Blood -- OMG!

boots
08-22-2010, 09:14 PM
Well....I wasn't going to say anything else but since yall decided to not let the thread die I figured I'd clarify what I was saying:

I'm not telling anyone to dump anyone. I was simply pointing out, that a lot of us women have a problem of SELF-RESPECT and RESPECTING our feelings. We're trained up and taught to stuff and squish our feelings to the bottom and not to give them any care or respect. We're taught to invalidate them and rationalize them away by claiming hormonal problems. We as women need to respect OURSELVES and not claim "we're just crazy on our TOM" or "I only was so sensitive because it was my monthly" or "I was *****y this morning so I was lucky that he wasn't mean to me then" (is that an excuse for him hurting you?) or "He's just being a man, I shouldn't be so sensitive".

imo if I'm walking beside my husband and he looked at another girl and I noticed, I'd feel humiliated and embarrassed and hurt. He's walking beside ME?? And I'd be especially hurt and humiliated if SHE noticed too. That would hurt me.

I don't f-ing care what YOU all think about that, I'd PERSONALLY feel humiliated. Those are MY feelings, not yours, not anyone elses. I don't care how YOU react to that, if that hurts and humiliates me, thats what is important to me. Don't try to define me and tell me that its not right for that hurt me. Those are MY feelings, and if I'm hurt by them, I need to talk to my H about it. And if he does it again, thats a pattern. I also don't humiliate my husband by eyeing men who are walking by who are hot either. I have something called self-control and I use it to protect his dignity. I use it to make him feel like he's the sexiest man alive. Because I LOVE him. And imo, he IS the sexiest man alive!


Another thing, TOM doesn't turn me insane. Sometimes I think women use their TOM to act on their feelings they've suppressed the other three weeks of the month. a. thats not fair to your TOM, and b. thats not fair to your heart the other three weeks of the month. You only pay attention to your feelings if your hormones are out of whack? How f-d up are the other three weeks if you don't care about how you feel?



PinkHoodie, I wasn't telling you to dump his sorry ***, thats your choice. I was telling you that you shouldn't ignore your feelings if it hurt. And I hope he apologized sincerely, and I hope he doesn't do it again.


btw I'm not a bra-burning feminist. I'm quite attached to my bras thank you very much. I'm a person who use to hurt a lot, I'm a person who lived at the bottom and always put my feelings to the bottom of the priority. I always rationalized away my hurt feelings and thought I was too sensitive. I always blamed my hormones and TOM for when I actually DID explode about something. But the fact is, when you don't respect your own feelings on a daily basis, you'll eventually build up a lot of ignored feelings at the end.


Just because you love someone doesn't give them a right to hurt you.

Just because you love someone doesn't give you a right to hurt them.

I hope you all apologize sincerely when you treat your spouses badly and STOP treating them badly.


No one has an excuse to hurt me. And if they do, I expect an apology-because there is no excuse for that behavior, and I expect them NOT to repeat it. And I expect the same out of myself. Because I THINK that highly of myself. I have standards, for both them and me.



teaching our daughters that our feelings aren't important and its okay for men to behave like pigs because they are ya know, "MEN" is just setting us all up for abusive marriages, marriages where the man belittles and humiliates his wife, maybe even hits her every now and then, and she's confused the whole time and still thinks she "really loves" him even though he doesn't care about her and treats her badly. LITTLE things....escalate to bigger things, and bigger things and even BIGGER things. Where are our boundaries ladies? Where is the "line" of what you will or will not tolerate? How much respect do you expect from the men in your lives?



A little bit of self-respect goes a long way.

And I've learned to respect my feelings 100% of the time. My heart is NEVER not important.

/steps off my soapbox

Latchkey Princess
08-22-2010, 09:52 PM
boots~ Sounds like you may have had a rough go of things in your life. Sorry to hear that. And I'm glad you learned to respect yourself and listen to your gut feelings.

As for me, I have no issue with self respect (self confidence is another story, but hey, we can't have it all!). I expect my man to respect me just as much as I respect him. But I am also realistic, even the people you respect do things you wouldn't respect. And you either decide they aren't the person you thought they were, or you love them in spite of those things. For instance, I know my dh looks at the occassional woman, even when we're together. That doesn't bother me, that is my personal feelings. If he said something about it, THAT would bother me. That's where I draw the line, and we all draw our lines in different places. Just because someone else isn't okay with something I'm okay with doesn't mean I lack anything.

And TOM hormones are a scientifically documented fact, as are the way they affect your brain chemistry, it's not just a universal excuse to be b*tchy once a month. They make you much more susceptible to your emotions. Example: I normally wouldn't freak out because I spilled some juice on the floor, I would be a bit upset, but no biggie, life goes on. During about the three or four days before TOM those hormones make that juice a huge deal, and I'll cuss at myself for dropping the glass and then probably cry about it while I'm mopping it up off the floor.

And I would like to get a bit snippy and ask that you not assume to know or comment on what I (or anyone else) are teaching our daughters. I know it was a generalization on your part, but I take great pride in how I raise my baby girls (as I'm sure you do too) and the morals and values I teach them. When you attack my view points and then proceed to talk about those view points as they pertain to raising kids, I take it a bit personally.

I'm sorry for dragging this post back up to the top.

rachael
08-22-2010, 10:02 PM
You are allowed to feel however you want about things. Of course you should value yourself. However, this thread is not about someone who is being constantly belittled. She said that her husband typically makes her happy. This thread is not about someone whose husband is wolf calling women and thrusting his pelvis at them while out with his wife. This thread certainly isn't about someone being smacked around. It is someone who vented some insecurity and thenresolved it with her spouse.

The implication that, because a woman says she feels more emotional during her period, she is stifling her emotions and teaching her daughter to devalue her own emotions is insulting and ludicrous. Some women have stronger emotional reactions to hormonal changes and that does not mean that she is emotionally crippled and only allowing herself to feel her true emotions when she has hormones to blame. Certainly there may be some women for whom that is true, but it isn't true for everyone.

My daughter sees a healthy marriage in which both partners acknowledge when they've been overly sensitive or not sensitive to the needs of the other. She sees two people who respect each other, but are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes.

You are right that love doesn't give you the right to hurt someone, but love also doesn't make you perfect. Respect is a pivotal part of every relationship, but forgiveness is as well. Because people forgive their spouses' shortcomings does not mean they lack self respect.

I am sorry you hurt in the past and glad you have found strength in yourself. You deserve that. There are a lot of shades of gray between stifling your emotions constantly and standing up for yourself without apology, though, and just because someone doesn't go all or nothing doesn't mean she is destined to live the life of a cowed, stifled, silent shadow of a person.