General chatter - Am I horrible??




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Beach Patrol
08-15-2010, 12:59 PM
I decided to make this it's own thread.

Craptastic! I'm kinda feeling like a jerk & a wanker & all that bad stuff....

I'm fat. I'm at least 40 pounds overweight. (50 lbs...??) My husband of 17 years is about 40-50 lbs overweight. I love him, of course, we've been together a long time & I know all his qualities both good and bad, and am quite aware of my own good/bad qualities as well. When we met we were both slim & trim (and yeah, younger!) Through the years we've faced all sorts of dilemmas, including weight gain.

While I want weight loss for health reasons (for both of us) I also want it for sexy/physical reasons. Am I wrong for that?!?!!?

Am I *WRONG* for not wanting him to be fat? I don't want *ME* to be fat, either! - I certainly don't like the extra weight on me...and I don't like it ON HIM either!

So... am I a jerk? Am I a wanker? I don't mean to be. :?:


Shmead
08-15-2010, 01:38 PM
Depends on what you mean by "want"--there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight for "vanity" reasons--I mean, it's okay to do things because we enjoy them. It's no more "wrong" than it's wrong to go to Six Flags because you want to ride the roller coasters.

That said, fixating on his weight can be bad for your marriage and it's a thought pattern I'd try to avoid. You can't do anything about his weight. If you start making a face (however slight) when you see him with his shirt off, hesitating to touch him when you make love . . .these sorts of things are poison to a marriage.

To put it another way, how would you react if he made this post on some message board? I'd be pretty devastated. There's nothing wrong with wishing he'd lose weight, but I would try to avoid obsessing over it. Nothing good can come of that.

Jenbunnie03
08-15-2010, 02:00 PM
I had the same issue but I wanted my boyfriend to diet because then there wouldn't be any temptation in the house for me. He used to eat at 3 in the morning after we got back from going out drinking. I would try to just go to bed but he would pressure me to eat...sometimes literally forcing me to eat. Now that he is dieting too I don't have any excuses not to eat better.

I don't think you're a bad person but he's going to have to want to diet and exercise for himself. If he starts just because you want him to he'll quit/fail before any progress is made. Be patient he'll probably see you enjoying your life more because you're healthier and want that too :D hope this helps


QuilterInVA
08-15-2010, 02:44 PM
In sickness and health takes in thin and fat, too. You really shouldn't be judging him. Set a good example, provide nutritious food, and let him decide when he's ready to lose weight.

kaplods
08-15-2010, 03:28 PM
Sometimes focusing on someone else's weight is a way to distract you from your own. "I'm worried about you, so I can have a break from worrying about me without feeling guilty about it." Of course no one thinks that or it wouldn't happen.

Sometimes a little closer to the surface is the thought "If you worked on your weight, it would make my life so much easier because I could focus on me without having to worry about you too. It's your fault that I can't devote 100% of my energies on my own issues.

They're both reasons to allow yourself off the hook, at least temporarily. And there may be nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't let it interfere with your responsibility to yourself, and as long as it doesn't lead to reasentment of your husband for the distraction you're allowing it to cause you. As long as you don't allow it to push you into pushing your husband to keep up with your weight loss pace rather than take his own (which at this point, might not be at all... yet).

My husband and I are each 135 to 150 lbs overweight. When we met from a personal ad I placed, we were each about 200 lbs overweight, so we've made progress. In my personal ad, I described myself thoroughly (with humor) and emphasized that I was dieting and looking for someone who was in the same boat, or sympathetic to the weight loss battle - someone who could accept me thin, fat and everywhere in between.

We're both struggling with our weight and with being a support for the other without using support as an excuse to blame (or an excuse to leave our own weight loss path in order to hound the other about theirs).

I've discovered that there may be no such thing as a pure motive or a 100% clear one. When I worry about my husband, it's not just for him, it's for me too. And sometimes I don't even realize that worrying about him is giving me a break from worrying about me, so for me I need to keep away from that topic as much as I can. I can only handle one weight loss journey at a time, and it's more productive if I'm thiking about the one I can change.

Lori Bell
08-15-2010, 03:31 PM
I don't get it? :?: Have you asked him to join you in your weight loss efforts and he's telling you to go jump in a lake or something? Is he refusing you and telling you he wants to stay fat? Are you nagging him into losing weight with you? Since you just say you don't want him fat, it's really hard to give any kind of advice except for that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink.

Also, since you've pretty much just begun, and have quite a ways to go, maybe he's just waiting on you to follow through. Since he's a guy and all, he can probably lose that 40-50 pounds in about 1/3 of the time it's going to take you to lose your last 40-50. Maybe he doesn't want to start until you are near your goal so you don't feel bad. :shrug:

FreeSpirit
08-15-2010, 03:34 PM
There's nothing wrong with wanting him to be happy and healthy!

When my husband came back from his last deployment he had lost a lot of weight. He was so confident and happy, he wanted to go out and do things. We played tennis every weekend and ate healthy together and it was awesome! Then he switched jobs and was really stressed and had later hours and less PT and he started gaining weight because he would never eat breakfast nor pack a lunch, then come home and eat and eat and eat because he was so hungry! His mood changed, he wasn't as confident, his clothes didn't fit the way he liked and he hardly wanted to do anything on the weekend. Which, could be attributed to the added stress of the new job... but I think we all know that exercise is a great stress reliever.

Anyways, it wasn't his weight that made me unhappy. It was what came WITH the added weight. Most specifically his mood change and unwillingness to enjoy time doing things other than sitting around.

We talked about it, and I expressed what I wanted for our life together. I want us to be happy and healthy and fit together. I don't want us to suffer from diabetes (runs in his family) or heart disease and high blood pressure (runs in mine). I want us to be there to see our great grand babies (even though we don't have kids yet!).

I think by making it NOT about his looks, he was much more understanding and willing to make changes. I love my husband unconditionally but I want us to be able to spend as much time together as possible, that's why I want us both to be healthy and fit.

Ciao
08-15-2010, 04:45 PM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1-1.jpg

I'd also like my fiancÚ to be a bit more healthier.
We've set a plan that when we move in together,
we're both going to go to the gym and such. My
fiancÚ also has a well-built frame, so it's very easy
to picture him being a fireman, in the military, etc.
I don't think it's wrong for you to want him to be
healthier. But you still have to love him for all that
he is or isn't. He'll start losing weight on his own terms,
or maybe he's content on not losing weight. Which
ever he chooses just support him with it. :)

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1.jpg

gonnadoitthistime
08-15-2010, 05:12 PM
Yes

Clydegirl
08-15-2010, 05:44 PM
In sickness and health takes in thin and fat, too. You really shouldn't be judging him. Set a good example, provide nutritious food, and let him decide when he's ready to lose weight.

I agree with this.

JayEll
08-15-2010, 05:51 PM
If you really want to drive yourself totally completely bonkers insane, just try setting a goal for someone else.

Come to think of it, that will drive them insane as well.

Jay

sacha
08-15-2010, 05:59 PM
I don't think there is anything horrible about not wanting your spouse to be fat.

Mine is not - but he plays too many video games. Do I want him to stop playing so much? Sure... but he was like that when I met him and it's a part of who he is, so I suck it up and accept it as the way he always was.

There's no woman on this forum with a more crushed spirit than one whose husband or partner says they are too fat and they are no longer attracted. Men do have feelings - they just might not show it as much (or play the "jolly fat guy" routine). It does hurt them.

So think what you want, but he is who he is - and who you new when you met him, right? So let it be. If he chooses to change, that's his choice.

kaplods
08-15-2010, 08:18 PM
When someone asks "am I horrible for..." it invariably means they're feeling guilty (or they wouldn't be questioning). Usually they want permission or forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with either, unless it's used as a rational to avoid addressing any true issue that might exist.

Whenever you're feeling guilty only you can decide whether it's irrational guilt, or guilt over something you can and should change.

A desire can be wrong, but usually the greater wrong is a result of actions based on the desire, not the desire itself. Wanting your husband thin, can be innocent or it can be destructive - based on what you do with that desire. Does it prevent you from being as loving and supportive as you can be? Do you allow it to rationalize destructive behavior like nagging? Does it strengthen or weaken your relationship?

Those are the questions you need to answer for yourself. "Is it horrible?" is a question better answered by what you do with those feelings, than the feelings themselves.

dragonwoman64
08-15-2010, 08:20 PM
the funny thing about this post is that if the sexes got reversed here: a woman writing her husband wanted her to lose weight (yeah, for health, but for appearance reasons as well), and he's overweight too...and I've seen a few of those posts...I probably would have immediately felt POed about it. With a woman, I pondered it more. Guess that's from my own history!

I agree with Quilter and JayEll.

hometowngirl
08-15-2010, 08:35 PM
"I also want it for sexy/physical reasons."

It sounds like you are wanting that physical attraction spark back you use to have. Nothing is wrong with that. :)

Beach Patrol
08-15-2010, 10:38 PM
Hmmmm... I think some of you have misunderstood my post. Maybe I didn't word myself well?..... :dunno:

First off let me say THANKS to all who have responded! - I got some good advice from some of you - some words of wisdom that make more sense to me now - BUT....

I'll try to be more clear: I'm not judging my husband. His weight doesn't make me cringe in disgust or anything like that. I'm not "turned off" by his weight - nope! not at all!! - I still think he's super handsome & love him just the same, with or without the extra poundage. But yes, I do want him to lose weight - I want ME to lose weight as well, because being fat is bad for your health & the listlessness and fatigue and so forth is not good for a marriage, IMHO. And who here can say that fat is attractive when one of the reasons so many of us want to lose weight for attractiveness purposes??

We used to be gym bunnies together. I was down to about 140 & he was around 175 (which, IMHO is too MUCH weight lost for him!) & this was about 6 years ago. We both had SO MUCH energy & enjoyed doing things together & so forth. Now we don't. Nothing. Nada. Is it because of the weight, or do we use that as an excuse? In 2006, we canceled our gym membership & in 2007 bought a home gym & a pool. The gym rarely gets used, but I swim on a regular basis (it's my zen!)

He COMPLETELY recognizes his weight gain & wants to lose weight - these are his own words -but! his actions are quite different. I may not be succeeding like I want to, but at least I'm trying. He's not. He's just not. And he knows it. I don't nag him about it, I don't have to. He brings up the subject on his own, with or without my input. And he has admitted that he's "being lazy." He wants to lose weight, but he doesn't try to set any kind of eating plan for himself or cut back on anything, and totally just not exercising at all. I'm not sure exactly how to help him... I mean, it's hard enough to help myself, if that makes sense.

And for the record, I've said all of this to him. We have a very open-worded marriage. We agreed from the beginning to always be "out there" with each other -and I've never been one to sugarcoat anything (he says that's part of what he loves about me). I'm not afraid to say what I want, and he's not afraid to hear me out. I would never post something on a forum that I wouldn't be willing to say to him.

My original post... I mean, I just wonder if wanting him to lose weight makes me a wanker. I know I can't make him lose weight - I don't want to make him do anything... but I DO want him to want it for himself & to arrive at his own conclusion/plan/whatever. I don't feel guilty so much as confused. :?:

kaplods
08-15-2010, 10:48 PM
To clarify the point I was trying to make in my last post:

Wanting something (no matter what it is) rarely can make you a jerk (unless you're deliberately and gleefully wishing harm on someone). Only what you DO can make you a jerk.

If there was a magic pill that allowed me to make all the changes to myself I want.... I would take that pill - in a heartbeat.

If there was a magic pill that allowed me to make all the changes to my husband that I want... it would be tempting, but I hope I wouldn't even dream of using it.

It's not the desire, it's what you do (or do not do) because of the desire that has the potential to be horrible.

I think only you and your husband can answer this one, because there's no way for us to tell how your desires affect your behavior, attitude, and outlook.

Beach Patrol
08-15-2010, 10:51 PM
Thanks kap! I get a lot out of your posts. :)

Clydegirl
08-15-2010, 11:31 PM
Stop calling yourself a wanker.

It's not nice. Just saying.