100 lb. Club - Crummy transition thread




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Eliana
08-15-2010, 09:16 AM
I'm struggling with personal issues related to weight loss and I think I've seen others with similar issues.

First, as posted elsewhere, I have a new haircut. DH absolutely hates it. He begged me not to do it and once I did he was sullen and sulky about it. But I needed it. I haven't had short hair since the fourth grade and I think this is really cute. After the haircut, you ladies will understand, I felt like I'd had a makeover and makeovers require makeup. So I've been putting makeup on the last three days which is as much as I normally wear makeup in an entire year. :dizzy: I just feel really good about myself and I haven't felt this good in a really long time if ever! When I was actually thin in college and before I didn't see it...so I wasn't happy. Now I am!! And DH is horribly jealous. He's even started calling this old neighbor who's on my Facebook list my "boyfriend" because he responds to my posts now and then. :?: This is not normal behavior from him. I get that he's feeling threatened, but I can't pull myself back into this shy, socially inept wallflower just so he doesn't feel threatened.

Then yesterday I visited my mom, and yes it was the typical daughter-can-do-no-right we tend to read about. She raved over my hair, which was lovely! Then she said, "Now we just have to get some color in your face."

I smiled pleasantly and told her I actually had makeup on.

Her response? "Oh, just some blush. Do you know how to put on blush?"

My thoughts were, "No Mom, I'm 35 years old but I do not know how to put on blush" but instead gritted my teeth and said, "yes".

And then I got a lesson on how to properly apply blush.

I wish I could just get a "You look lovely, Honey." And she said that!!! Just leave it at that!

So I am feeling defeated on sides of the fence. I can't please my mom because I will never be the girly girl she thought she gave birth to and I can't please my husband because he thinks I'm changing myself...and I am...for the better...I thought.

Commiserate with me. :D


LiliK
08-15-2010, 10:40 AM
:) I'm sort of on the other side of this. My husband had weight-loss surgery and has dropped 100 pounds total (70+ post surgery), and he looks great!! I'm so extremely proud of him!! The flip side of that, of course, is that I do not want to be his fat old ball-n-chain. That's some of the motivation for my getting my own act together this summer, although not all. I'm just saying that it's pretty easy to be jealous, scared, unsure, worried, even if you have a fantastic relationship (which we definitely do) when one partner changes and the other is wondering if s/he will stack up. Maybe your husband just needs some reassurance from you that he's still your #1 guy. My fears have been allayed recently because of my husband's 100% and thoughtful support of my health-motivated changes. We actually talked about what I was worried about--it might be harder for y'all to have this conversation, because the genders are reversed, but it helped SO MUCH.

As for your mom, I got nothing. LOL Moms are moms.

Hugs to you--you're one of my 3FC heroes!!

Shmead
08-15-2010, 10:50 AM
I am going to play devil's advocate a bit here. Feel free to disregard if this is totally off base. I am projecting some of my own issues.

You husband likely had NO IDEA how miserable your weight used to make you, because you actively hid that misery from him (and yourself). You seemed pretty content. You were a person who was into ideas--you liked to read, and write fiction, and were most stimulated by a life of the mind.

Now, suddenly, you are spending a lot of time in a pretty superficial place. You feel your ribs all the time. You buy new clothes. You wear makeup. You worry and fret more about your waistline NOW than you ever appeared to before (because you were hiding it then, remember?). You just seem like a totally different person. Because he didn't know how miserable you were then, he doesn't understand how happy you are now.

I'd try to make it clear to him that you aren't changing into a new person so much as you are experimenting with this new body. It's all very weird to him, and he thinks you are going to spend the next 30 years in what is really a pretty superficial place (I know! I am there, too). But this will calm down. You may continue to wear makeup, of course, and pay more attention to your clothes and hair, but surely the sheer novelty of it all wears off some in time. The person who was more interested in ideas than in clothes is still there. You've just got this fabulous new toy, and right now that's what's really interesting to you. Things will fall into a more balanced perspective in time.


ubergirl
08-15-2010, 11:50 AM
:hug::hug::hug:

I absolutely know where you are coming from....

I'm lucky that my DH has been very supportive, but you know where I've seen TONS of resistance?

MY KIDS!

I can't tell you how many times my kids have said that they liked "fat mom" better-- I was softer and "nicer" according to them.

And what they hate the most? They say that now all I ever want to do is do things for myself-- it was PERFECT when every trip to the mall was focused on them, because I never shopped for myself.

Honestly, that was one of my problems. I NEVER did anything for myself. With one GIANT exception. I FED myself anything I wanted whenever I wanted it-- no shoes, clothes, make-up. No pedicures, no girls' nights out, no jewelry-- Christmases where we spent every penny on the kids and there was not a SINGLE gift under the tree for me.

So this change NEEDED to happen. But, it's uncomfortable. Self-sacrificing people are very pleasant to have around....

Let's face it-- I'm a MUCH better role model for my girls now than I was as the fat sad sack mom. But it's still a transition. If they thought that me taking care of their needs INSTEAD of my own was what caring looks like, then they might also think that taking care of my own needs means I don't care about them-- which obviously it doesn't.

I don't know what your relationship with your DH is like, but I would suggest addressing the subject head on. Tell him that the changes in your appearance reflect how happy you are with your life and that your ability to improve yourself is a reflection of how nurtured you feel in your life.

And tell him that it is HURTFUL when he teases you about other men.
Remember that it is a reflection of his own insecurity and not really about you. But that doesn't make it okay.

kuchick
08-15-2010, 12:07 PM
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hopefully it's "growing pains" and he'll realize once he gets over his initial insecurities, that you're not going anywhere. You're still the same woman he married, and you still value the same things, but you've changed the packaging a little. Doesn't every marriage have to go through periods of change? It's not like two people stay exactly the same for 50 years with no change in interests or appearance.

Right now, your kids are a little more independent, and you're using this time to improve yourself, and you feel better about yourself. Maybe he's thinking that since the kids don't need you as much, that he is the only reason you're staying in the marriage. If he's not feeling confident about himself, then he may be feeling pressure that he's not good enough for you anymore. Are there any common interests that you two share that you can start spending more time doing? DH and I are pretty nerdy; we like to do crosswords and logic puzzles together. Lately we've been doing acrostics. I can't imagine that there are many men that I could run off with who would indulge my love of puzzles. He'd probably just want me for sex, and where's the fun in that? :D I think it makes DH feel like no matter how much my exterior changes, the nerdy little honors student is buried in there somewhere.

DH and I recently had a "date" at the amusement park, and spent the whole time holding hands and making a bunch of teenagers want to puke, I'm sure, but taking time for dating again means that we are rediscovering what drew us to each other 17 years ago.

On the mom thing - mine is still trying to tell me how to diet, and she still comments on my wedding photos that I wasn't wearing enough makeup! I know she means well, so I try to ignore all the comments. (And I don't know how to apply blush either - everything I've learned about makeup is from "What Not to Wear")

boots
08-15-2010, 12:56 PM
Set some boundaries and stand up for yourself. YOU deserve it!

So what if the neighbor guy might like you? Seriously? Who wouldn't? You're hot stuff! Your husband needs to get over the fact that you're a separate person, and not let HIS insecurities make YOUR life miserable. Those are classic abusive husband symptoms. Tell him that, be upfront. Ask him if he likes acting like an insecure abusive idiot? (jealousy? check. Calling the guy your boyfriend to try to bully you out of having a friend he doesn't want you to have? check. Trying to control YOUR HAIR?? check.)

Those are HIS problems, WHY is he trying to make the woman he loves miserable because HE has problems?

a. he needs to trust you

b. he needs to let you CONTROL YOUR OWN HAIR without giving you a hard time!

c. he needs to let you have YOUR OWN FRIENDS. If you want to cheat on him, then he should divorce you, not make you feel like a slutty cheater when you haven't actually cheated on him.


Tell him upfront to quit trying to control you. He's lucky to stand BESIDE YOU and he's lucky that YOU even WANT him to stand beside you. But just because you're married doesn't make you his doll that he gets to make all the decisions for. You're an ADULT, not a child.

Same goes for your mom. "Mom, I'm an adult, I can wear whatever make up I WANT to wear, and I look pretty damn hot as is, why don't you tell me how amazing I look with my make up the way I WANT it?"


I had the same issues with my husband, and my mom is about 100x worse than yours :p Some people think that because they love you they get to decide what you do, where you go, who you're allowed to socialize with, how much you will weigh, etc. etc. But when you REALLY LOVE someone else, then you let them be themselves, not the person you think they ought to be.

I established some boundaries with both my husband and my mom and I'm WAY happier now. When I initially lost some weight after my second baby my husband actually said outright I was doing it just to pick up another man. WTF? I'm not a doormat anymore, and if I WANT to pick up another man, I'll DO it! But I don't. But its not something he can control through bullying or trying to lay guilt trips on me. I'm my own person :)

Ciao
08-15-2010, 02:19 PM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1-1.jpg

I can relate a little bit as well. I've NEVER
worn makeup and I use to be a complete tomboy
when me and my fiancÚ met. Well since then I've
changed a lot. I use to not like partying, now I love
it. I use to wear only jeans, now I wear dresses because
I can no longer stand jeans. I use to not wear makeup,
back then I took a couple days to experiment with it.

The changes drove him crazy. I definitely was no longer
the shy girl who I use to be. It took some time but
eventually he faced the fact that I was doing all those
things to love myself more. Eventually he realized that
no matter what changes I went through, I'd still love
him and I was only trying to impress him. He now loves
my short hair (I use to have really long hair) and he
finds me really cute in dresses, so he loves that too.

Just give your husband time to adjust. :)

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1.jpg

saef
08-15-2010, 02:29 PM
Shmead wrote: The person who was more interested in ideas than in clothes is still there. You've just got this fabulous new toy, and right now that's what's really interesting to you. Things will fall into a more balanced perspective in time.

Shmead, again we're reflecting on the same things, you & I. (Don't you just hate that? ;-) My metaphor for it isn't a new toy, though. Well, it kind of is. My metaphor for it is a sports car. It's like I suddenly got this incredibly sleek powerful new model sports car. Probably a little red Corvette, in honor of Prince's song, though I'd prefer a Porsche. That image works better for me because it takes into account my slight feeling of alientation, because I feel like I'm sitting inside it, that it's not quite part of me yet. I drive it, and it represents me to others whom I encounter, and I'm looking out from behind the windshield, safe within it, but I'm not always "of" it. How good it feels to wake up every morning & see that car still parked in my driveway. It's the way I feel when I check a mirror & say to myself: "Ah. Still thin. Thank God."

Yeah, I swapped a really beat-up old minivan more appropriate for a Mom, that got really crummy miles per gallon, for a sportscar.

saef
08-15-2010, 02:38 PM
But this is Eliana's thread, so just for her: That's what you get for going out & changing yourself without asking other peoples' permission first: May I cut my hair, dear? How do you want me to cut it? I'll wear it just the way you like. Mother, how should I put on my makeup? Since I'm an amateur, and you're a professional? Should I apply blush the way you yourself did, back in your heyday, in the mid-70s, in a triangular shape, so that it contours underneath my cheekbones & runs up into my hairline near my ears?

Seriously, now: All I've got to say about your mother is that I've been you. And I haven't liked those moments when bit either. It feels like mothers everywhere all have tact exemptions. They just make end-runs around all the rules of polite discourse & it's really hard to play with them because they don't acknowledge the rules. That's our life's burden with them. Suck it up, for now, and move on, unless you're ready for a tearful confrontation.

As for your husband -- Eliana, this isn't the first time you've encountered resistance from your husband. He didn't care to hear about your accomplishments when working out, either, did he? And you had to stop talking about that.

This thing with your husband, it is starting to seem like a pretty big issue to me. Forgive me, as I'm just a stranger on an Internet board, and haven't observed you two together.

I really need you to write a lyrical, really long paragraph here about why you love this man & what you want from your relationship. I am serious. Take a good long look at him & tell me all the things about him that you love & value, all the little endearing quirks that first attracted you.

When you're done, read it over to yourself.

And also print a copy & stick it somewhere, where he can find it. The man may just need to feel valued.

But you may also need to remind yourself why you're keeping going at this, because I can hear some doubt in your posts.

Eliana
08-15-2010, 06:47 PM
Goodness me, I'm amazed at the insight folks have over a message board...far more than I have when reading between the lines. You guys are amazing.

Good advice, but Saef I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip your advice for the time being. ;) Yes, there's a theme at play. I sense it too, much as I ignore it. I'll just say he suffers from depression and hope you can all understand it's complicated. But he and I have never been jealous of one another for anything from a relationship stand point.

Boots, wow, I hadn't looked at it that way. If he knew that's how his behavior looks, he'd truly be horrified. He and I joke often that he is the "goodest" man I have ever known. For all his faults, he is a really GOOD man.

Kuchick, I definitely think he and I could use some dates. :D We've lost out on everything we once had in common. It's the depression. He doesn't find anything fun anymore. I'll work on that one.

Uber, how interesting your kids are reacting that way! It's probably because you have girls. My boys and I didn't and likely won't ever share a love for shopping. My youngest is loving my weight loss because he can't wait for the day he can pick me up. :D He tries it nearly daily, and darn but if he can't lift me to my toes.

Shmead, what a memory. You are amazing, in every post you write, in your ability to put pieces together from this post and that post of every person on here.

Lili, what an interesting perspective you have. DH and I in this healthy lifestyle together. His weight loss has dropped off, but he isn't nearly as into it as I am either. He's holding strong, and for that I'm proud of him. But he definitely is getting fit to keep up with me. I hadn't thought of it in those terms before.

You guys are just too good for words. I was managing ok until my mom was sort of the proverbial straw. She broke the dam, I guess.

It's just so strange that MY personal weight loss journey can have such an impact on other people.

Arctic Mama
08-15-2010, 07:51 PM
Well this may be way out of left field, but my marriage is very heavily based on doing things FOR my husband, out of love, and him doing things FOR ME, out of love. We show our love for one another in a lot of little ways, by considering the opinion of one another above our own. When I wear an outfit, I ask my husband what he thinks. I am sensitive to the fact that as much as I love makeup, he prefers me with less, so I strike a balance of our interests. I cut my hair off and he loves it longer, so I have found neat styles and my own 'fun' with my hair and am now growing it out in a way that pleases him AND me.

He is my husband, I want to be beautiful for him, I only care about his opinion on my looks and my own preferences, as a married woman my aim is NOT to attract the attention of any other man (as a Christian woman, my intent is quite the opposite). So I try very hard to be aware of what he does and doesn't like, because I am HIS arm candy, his beautiful wife, his most precious possession, for lack of a better word. And he is mine, and responds in kind.


Your husband's jealousy is his problem, but is it wise or loving for you to do something, even accidentally, that makes him feel threatened or insecure in your marriage? He may be overreacting, but I believe strongly that we, as wives, are as responsible for how our actions may play off to others as they are in their reacting to us... So maybe the facebook friendship isn't a good idea, in terms of giving the appearance of commitment or propriety. Maybe his insecurity is wrong, but would it do more good than harm to acknowledge his feelings and seek to reassure him of YOURS?


Again, this may be way off base, I have a very traditional relationship with my husband and am committed to biblical submission and that model of love, which isn't very common in the world these days. What works for me and mine may NOT work for you, so please just take anything helpful and disregard the rest in the spirit it was given :hug:

Arctic Mama
08-15-2010, 07:54 PM
Oh, and your mom sounds like my mom! I just take the good, drop the bad, and love her for her faults. I have also learned (somewhat painfully over the years) to not internalize her criticisms or judgments on my appearance or conduct more than is prudent. Put simply, she's trying to help, in her own way, but it often doesn't come off that way. I just let her have her fun and stick to my guns (silently, inside ;)). I don't have to live with her anymore, so I can tolerate her (plentiful) opinions with a bit more grace than I used to!

boots
08-15-2010, 09:01 PM
I'm also a Christian, but I don't believe God ever intended for the Bible to be read that we're anyone's "possession" ever. We belong to God, and if a husband doesn't love his wife as Christ loved the Church (which Christ laid down his life and DIED for the church) then they're not worth my time as a wife.

I'd probably say F-U and pull a Bette Midler (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MmBuHagMLM) on them....oh wait...I DID do that, and my marriage has gotten a hundred times better bwahahahahaha!


Eliana, a lot of GOOD men behave abusively at times. The difference between an abusive man and a non abusive person is that when confronted with their behavior, a healthy man will say "Gosh I'm so sorry, I won't do it again, I didn't realize I was hurting you or stressing you out further" (and then they actually DO NOT do it again) where as an abusive person will say "You're too sensitive!" or "I didn't mean to hurt you, you shouldn't be hurt by that!" or "Don't you LOVE me or CARE about MY needs?" or "I'll TRY to be more sensitive in the futuer" and they continue with their hurtful/controlling and guilt-inflicting manipulative behavior because they've justified it in their heads. Abusive people develop hurtful and consistent patterns to maintain control over other people. Even the depression issue is a really common guilt-ploy that can be used by him to manipulate you and excuse his behavior when its out of line. Anyways, look for patterns and keep talking about it.

A couple of good articles to read: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/emotionally-abusive?page=1 (its a long article, for anyone who's seriously interested skip to the end and just go through the signs of an emotional abuser (http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/emotionally-abusive?page=3) )

and my favorite: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html <--- this is helpful with dealing with ALL KINDS of relationships, not just romantic. A lot of people use guilt-manipulation tactics to try to control other people. And I love this article! So helpful in all relationship!


With you losing weight and gaining independence he might feel he's losing some control over you and he's resorting to commonly used abusive tactics to try to gain more control (abusive behavior is all about control). But if he respects you as an individual with control over yourself, he can switch tunes and tell you how amazing your hair is, because YOUR DECISIONS that make YOU happy will be important to him because he loves you!

My mom pulls BS like this all the time, I'm very upfront with her now and say "Mom, you can't control me by X behavior, I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, okay? It doesn't mean I don't love you because I want to buy a house that you don't think is a good investment, it means I'm adult! I love you very much! You raised a smart girl!" She gets over it after awhile ^_^

MablesGirl
08-15-2010, 09:50 PM
Hugs!

I don't have a lot of advice for you, because my husband is NEVER jealous. I, however, struggle with it some. Well, I don't know if it is jealously exactly as defined by Websters..... but my husband is a volleyball coach. All year round, he is around teenagers in short spandex. I'm not afraid that he thinks they are good looking, but for the most part they are fit, and then I probably look even worse and I think he's comparing me to them! But, it's probably all in my head. But that doesn't make it less real for me to deal with.

But I hope things get better.

Trazey34
08-15-2010, 10:33 PM
I won't get philosophical, all that stuff's been covered - I'm going for the obvious. Honey, New hair + New makeup + Me FEeling Good About Myself just may = some extra bow-chicka-bow-wow for YOU

boys like things simple like that ;) LOL

LiliK
08-16-2010, 01:34 AM
Trazey, I literally laughed out loud at your post. BRAVA! :)

PaulaM
08-16-2010, 01:13 PM
What is the first thing we "hear" about when somebody changes their appearance drastically? Oh they must be interested in or having an affair. Especially if it's a man doing it, many women get suspicious. I'm not saying I agree with this at all, it's just the way some people think. All the womens magazines have dumb articles "signs he is cheating", losing weight, wearing cologne, changing his clothing style.

Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% on your side here. But maybe that is what he is thinking? Everything was fine, why is she changing? Hmm, old male friend appears from the past, hmmm.

I would never consult my husband (we've been together 37 years) on what I should wear, how I should do my hair etc. It's my head, my outfit.

Maybe he needs to hear you say you are making improvements for yourself and nobody else?

As for your Mom, well Moms are Moms. Maybe she truly has your best interests at heart, maybe she is jealous that the exciting time of her life is over, who knows. You only have one Mom, what can you do.

Nikki6kidsmom
08-16-2010, 03:10 PM
I was asked by another parent at the kids school if I was getting divorced. I was shocked and wondered what rumor must be going around. I told her No , why would you think that?? She said well you have lost so much weight I just thought you might be getting divorced.

I can relate alittle to the husband as I have had some of that here too. But I have always been one to do what I wanted with clothes,hair, makeup and such. I was a fashion lover before and being able to shop everywhere has just fueled the fire.

I wear clothes I like, same for hair and makeup. I do what makes me happy. You can never please everyone. My husband finally gets that I am doing this for me and my health not for any other reason. If it were for other motives I would have given up before now.

boots
08-16-2010, 07:24 PM
What is the first thing we "hear" about when somebody changes their appearance drastically? Oh they must be interested in or having an affair. Especially if it's a man doing it, many women get suspicious. I'm not saying I agree with this at all, it's just the way some people think. All the womens magazines have dumb articles "signs he is cheating", losing weight, wearing cologne, changing his clothing style.


The thing is though, so what if you are cheating? Or what if he's cheating? You can't control your partner, you don't have a right to try to control them either, you like them and stay with them and love them for who they are NOT who you WANT them to be or who you think you can MAKE them be! And if who they are is treating you badly or breaking your wedding vows, then its your decision and right to leave them, its NOT the spouse's decisions or right to try to bully or force someone to not cheat or not behave the way you want them to behave. Its a weird concept, because in our society we often confuse "in love' with "right to control". No one has the right to control the behaviors of another adult, even if its through guilt or manipulation tactics. Everyone has the right to be an individual person and make their own choices without being guilted, put down, manipulated, accused of things etc.


I was asked by another parent at the kids school if I was getting divorced. I was shocked and wondered what rumor must be going around. I told her No , why would you think that?? She said well you have lost so much weight I just thought you might be getting divorced.

To get back to the point of this forum:

This is a SHAME! but I do believe that studies have been done on the fact that women in ****ty (abusive) marriages tend to be heavier than ones in healthy marriages. (so if they get a divorce, they've collected weight to lose!) Now that doesn't mean every woman who is overweight is in a ****ty relationship, but THERE IS A NOTICEABLE TREND! Why?

An ****ty relationship:
a. lowers your self esteem, you begin to feel like you're not worth the effort anymore?
b. abusive partner may discourage or sabotage your weightloss efforts
c. makes you depressed and you don't even know why? Leads to addictive habits from depression issues like FOOD or mood-lifting meds that tend raise your weight
d. Not quite as commonly but still frequent, the man may pressure the wife to constantly be pregnant as it makes the woman more dependent on the man
e. takes a lot of control out of the hands of the victim so the victim doesn't get a lot of choices anymore.

I can't find the research article right now, but there's recently been published a study on how abusive marriages lead to overweight children as well. I did find with a quick Google search this article: http://news.health.com/2009/03/05/marriage-hurt-health-woman/ on stress/bad marriages leading to health problems in women.


That said, my parents marriage is not awful, my mom is about 260 lbs, 5'3" and over 60 years old and STILL doesn't have diabetes or ANY weight/age related illness! My dad is like 170 lbs 6'3" (like a skeleton frame) and two years younger than my mom and has almost uncontrollable diabetes? My mom always says "How is life fair?" Sometimes genetics is a hard thing to overcome.