This is the kind of support I'm getting...(no bueno)
My mom called me the other day and invited me to have leftovers at her house. I asked what they were (because I'm conscious of that now and trying to be as strict as possible-of course) and she started spouting off stuff like beef tenderloin, twice baked potatoes, (fried) eggplant parmesan, peach cobbler, and green beans with bacon and things in them.
What is that! She's well aware of what I'm trying to do and really proud but I was astounded at the lack of thought before speaking. I don't even eat red meat.
I just wanted to say I'm really glad to have found this place bc it seems to be the only place that is giving the support I need just from reading other people's questions and answers and advice. So, thanks.
After 6 years of maintenance, I learned that people still don't get "it". People do not see it from our point of view, to her it is just mom's leftovers, to you it is fried/high calorie/the incorrect protein. You just have to remind her again and again - maybe forever, who knows But you stuck to it, good for you
I'm learning techniques for staying on my food plan through the Beck Diet Solution. The book labels folks like your Mom "food pushers", and yes, many times they are people who are near and dear to us. I'm learning to politely eat foods that are on my plan and decline foods that are not.
Best wishes! You aren't the only one! I had to say no to ice cream twice this afternoon even after I said, No thanks, it's not on my food plan today.
Sounds like a typical mom wanting to make sure her baby is eating. My mom was guilty of the same type stuff (she'll cook enough for an army and load your plate down w/ enough food for 4 people) but since she's been on SBD w/ me she's doing much better. I know it makes it hard on you, though...maybe it's something you can mention to her delicately and let her know that it bothers you.
Think I was just temporarily shocked since this person who's wanted me to lose weight for so long had a lapse in memory and didn't think about it before offering (considering food's the biggest part of losing weight)...but I think she got it after I declined and told her I couldn't eat any of it. I felt really bad but told her I appreciated it.
And I do. Now I'll be prepared for this in the future.
Suggested we should have a healthy meal when they're actually there (she wanted me to raid her fridge of doom without them even there ). I really really think by her tone it stuck in her head that I'm really doing this and it won't be a persisting problem.
All in all, twas a good lesson about "food pushers" (thank you for that term, it's so fitting). And saying not to ice cream twice...
I have found that other people just don't carry around in their heads what my eating rules are. And I can't expect them to.
Your mom offered you to come for leftovers. You asked what they were. She told you. That's what she had! Do you think she shouldn't call you to ask because you're trying to lose weight?
People offer food as a kind gesture. Even if you think it was something else, it doesn't hurt to assume the best. All you have to say is, "No thanks, Mom, I can't have that stuff right now, but I appreciate the thought."
These situations are just going to come up in life. You did the right thing by saying no, and that's the important thing.
As long as she took the "no" graciously, I don't consider an invite to dinner (even a high-calorie, off-plan dinner) a lack of support (there may be more to the situation, and I can't speak to that as I don't know her).
Most people assume (and are often right) that even the most dedicated dieter will eat-off plan or will incorporate high calorie foods into their plan occasionally.
I can tell you that if poorly executed, someone making a healthy dinner for you because you're dieting can be just as annoying (it can feel like they're trying to play food cop).
Funny example - hubby's stepmom is a horrible cook, and her attempts to cook healthier for us when we visit have been disasters. The first was providing a low-calorie salad dressing at a Thanksgiving dinner (some hideous honey mustard dressing). She replaced the 50 calories worth of croutons in each salad, with about 300 calories worth of fruit and nuts (healthier you know).
Later examples went just as badly, and we suggested that she just make regular food, and we'll eat less of it. We might as well have been talking to a wall. She continues to attempt it, but the worst (so far) was a cookout we were invited to (unfortunately not a pot-luck). She served fat-free hotdogs and some diet bread that tasted like saw-dust. All the dishes were "diet" (and tasted horrific). It was so scary-awful, hubby and I still joke about it. If only she had given us a clue that she wanted to accomodate our diet, we would have been able to steer her towards something we could have enjoyed. I do give her "good sport" credit for not buying "normal" food for the non-dieters at the gathering, but it was overshadowed by the horribleness of the food.
When it comes to accomodating people's individual food plans, I think people just don't know how to do it right, so many don't attempt it at all. Or the attempt backfires.
I sometimes think that the closer you are to acheiving a personal goal that people who cheered you on in the beginning start to sabotage not out of hate but out of fear of the person you'll become when you reach that goal. It's like they think they won't know you anymore so they sabotage you without really acknowleding or recognizing all the time that they are doing it. So you just have to keep being you and show them that just because I changed certain parts of my life doesn't mean that I changed what you mean to me in my life....just a thought!
But stay steady on your course cause I can personally always use more inspiration on my journey and hope that you reach your goal.
I'm here to tell you that despite how difficult it seems now, you **can** train your mother.
After two years or so, some mothers eventually start to retain the information that you've passed onto them about what you will & won't eat, after they've actually sat across from you & seen you turning down food & and seen what you choose instead.
My mother is now able to tell me about the food at a neighbor's party in her e-mails & to add the sentence: "There was nothing there you would eat."
When a neighbor said she'd bring over a dessert during my visit that her family had enjoyed, my mother was able to tell the neighbor: "My daughter won't eat that. So just send over enough for me."
And now that I'm going to be visiting my mother in a week, she just wrote to me that she's going to be buying "the things you eat" & asked me what kind of fruits & vegetables she should be looking for at the Farmers' Market.
I want to hug her tightly & say: "Good mother."
[This doesn't mean that she won't power through a half-gallon of ice cream over two days & eat pie for breakfast & bags of candy while I'm there. And yes, it bothers me & tempts me, but I don't want her to have to tiptoe around while I'm there at her home. My only sorrow is that while you can lead a horse to water, you can't make her drink. My mother is now wearing my old 20s & 22s.]
I've been at this since 2007, so she's had time, but she's gotten pretty good at identifying the blessed & the damned among foods. The point is, though, that some mothers are adaptable & will learn eventually.
I'm sure she's not maliciously trying to sabotage you. Moms just like to see their kids eat. A simply, "No, thank you. I'm trying to eat more healthy [lower calorie/lower fat/whatever] foods. But thank you for offering." should suffice.
Maybe add, "Maybe you can come over to my house next week and *I'll* cook?" as a nice gesture.
My mom still does this. She isn't trying to be mean or put me off plan...she is just excited to see me. So its like a "special occasion", which means both she and my dad will go off South Beach to celebrate. Its a weird thing, but i know it comes from a loving place.
Plus, looking at the menu, I could see how she might consider it "not that bad". Fruit! green things! veggies! protein! OF COURSE you would want to come eat! its all so healthy
Funny example - hubby's stepmom is a horrible cook, and her attempts to cook healthier for us when we visit have been disasters. The first was providing a low-calorie salad dressing at a Thanksgiving dinner (some hideous honey mustard dressing). She replaced the 50 calories worth of croutons in each salad, with about 300 calories worth of fruit and nuts (healthier you know).
Later examples went just as badly, and we suggested that she just make regular food, and we'll eat less of it. We might as well have been talking to a wall. She continues to attempt it, but the worst (so far) was a cookout we were invited to (unfortunately not a pot-luck). She served fat-free hotdogs and some diet bread that tasted like saw-dust. All the dishes were "diet" (and tasted horrific). It was so scary-awful, hubby and I still joke about it. If only she had given us a clue that she wanted to accomodate our diet, we would have been able to steer her towards something we could have enjoyed. I do give her "good sport" credit for not buying "normal" food for the non-dieters at the gathering, but it was overshadowed by the horribleness of the food.
This post had me Well she deserves a "A" for effort that was really sweet of her to try and do
Like I said, I told her I really appreciated it and asked if we could plan a healthy meal when they're actually there for the near future. (I would offer to cook like someone said, buuuut I'm not exactly what you'd like to call a good cook -working on that though! Her bf is practically a chef, so in the meantime, I'll "help"). And she said yeah.
And also like I said, it was a good lesson and I'll be prepared if it happens again. I'm kinda glad it happened now so I know what to expect. I've kind of been strictly doing this by myself and slowly acclimating my new food way of thinking to the "outside".
Of course she can call and ask. She's gone through a 30 pound weight loss herself (she's skinny now, was never that overweight) so it really just shocked me, initially considering she was exactly in this thought process for many months. I'm past it now-lesson learned. And never did I think it was malicious or mean.
I may have sounded a bit dramatic in the beginning, but it really wasn't my intention. I was being a touch sarcastic...love my mom, appreciated the leftover offer. Glad to go visit her whenever...just dealing with my fears of dealing with outside food because my first foray into that was a disaster on a recent vacation. But it's getting easier and more normal everyday for me, so it's all good now!
Thanks for the kind/encouraging/strong words everyone!
This is the kind of support I'm getting...(no bueno)
But you stuck to it, good for you
). I really really think by her tone it stuck in her head that I'm really doing this and it won't be a persisting problem.
-working on that though! Her bf is practically a chef, so in the meantime, I'll "help"
). And she said yeah.
