100 lb. Club - Hubby is mad, well I am too.




View Full Version : Hubby is mad, well I am too.


envelope
08-08-2010, 08:52 PM
My husband comes from a family that will sit down to dinner after their mom makes a meal all day and point out any flaws they find. Not enough salt, to much butter, something is missing...it drives me crazy. One day I told them all that if they ever treated me that way I would never cook for them again.

Now lets transfer that to my husband and I and my weightloss. I have lost over 45 lbs yet on occasion when my weightloss comes up my husband will say something like, "You've doing great, but you still have a long way to go." or when I told him my personal goal right now was to weigh 157, he said, "You should lose more than that." To which I pointed out my weight was about 157 when we met and I think I looked pretty darn good then.

So tonight I said, "It hurts my feelings when you say things like that, I know I need to lose more weight right now, I am not blind I can see how fat I am." To which he gets mad at me and says well that is my issue, he would never say anything about my weight to be mean and he knows that I would never say anything about his weight to be mean because he knows I love him. Why in the world is my saying what he said hurts my feelings my issue? I think it is our issue, and he should avoid saying things like that to avoid hurting my feelings.

Sorry for the rant...I just had to get it out.


Windchime
08-08-2010, 09:09 PM
I hate it when people use this tactic as a free pass to say whatever they want. The fact that you find those kinds of comments hurtful and unhelpful should be enough to cause him to stop saying it. It sounds like criticism is how his family of origin communicated, but he's got a new family now--you--and he needs to learn to communicate in a supportive, helpful way. Saying hurtful things and then claiming it's your issue when you are hurt by it is, in my opinion, passive-agressive behavior.

Congratulations on your accomplishments. 47 pounds lost is an awesome feat!

Lori Bell
08-08-2010, 09:14 PM
Ahhh, just you wait. Any day now other men are going to start and notice your weight loss and perhaps be a little more friendly. Then, all of a sudden your hubby's tune will change and he will not think you should go SO LOW as 157. I'm married to a man myself, and they are just nuts.


sept15lija
08-08-2010, 09:28 PM
I'm married to a man myself, and they are just nuts.

Yeah, that! :D

I'm sorry your hubby feels he can talk to you like that - you are totally right he needs to respect your feelings (and who wouldn't be offended by a comment like that??) - for 5'8" 157 is perfect!! Of course you already knew that anyways. Well in any event, vent away, we're here to listen! :hug:

SilverLife
08-08-2010, 09:33 PM
.... Saying hurtful things and then claiming it's your issue when you are hurt by it is, in my opinion, passive-agressive behavior...

Windchime, thanks for naming what that is. It cleared something up for me.

Envelope, am sending you lots of good thoughts. I think Windchime, Lori, and Sept15 are right. :goodvibes

Ciao
08-09-2010, 12:20 AM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1-1.jpg

Men will say dumb things every now and
then. You've done great so far and you
should be proud of yourself. :hug:

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Photography/Divider-1.jpg

Eliana
08-09-2010, 06:36 AM
My husband has gotten dumber as I've gotten smaller as well. I got roses for it not too long ago. :rolleyes:

The latest:

I took some belly shots the other day. They're just pure belly shots, no head, with my underwear rolled down beneath the pooch. They popped up on the screen saver. (Gotta fix that!!) He came upstairs and kissed me and said what a fabulous job I'd done. When I asked him why, he said he'd just seen some pictures of my naked belly from 65 pounds ago. Ugh! No DARLING, those were from a few days ago!! Thanks so much Sweetheart!

He tried! But even when he tries, he STILL gets it wrong.

KatMarie
08-09-2010, 08:36 AM
I totally understand. My husband says insensitive stuff and then he can never figure out why it upsets me. And then call him out on it and he gets his feathers all ruffled. Men! My hubby's favorite thing to say is "I was just joking". Grrrrrr
My hubby keeps a picture of me in his wallet that is 10 years old and I weighed about 120 pounds in that picture. That's the one he shows people and he can't understand why it upsets me!

guamvixen
08-09-2010, 09:49 AM
It boggles me how men feel that they don't have to try after a while. Almost like they take you for granted. However, when they decide to "work out" or "do weights" we are supposed to jump up and down and rave about how bigger and sexier their arms are looking?

Men really have no clue. Lately I've noticed the women are either planning the date nights, making the kind gestures, offering the support, losing weight for them, "initiating". I mean, when did the roles become reversed? Is it just me?

I agree with Lori Bell, the more "attention" you will start getting from other men, the more attention he will give you. :) You aren't alone little chick!

Eliana
08-09-2010, 10:45 AM
Men really have no clue. Lately I've noticed the women are either planning the date nights, making the kind gestures, offering the support, losing weight for them, "initiating". I mean, when did the roles become reversed? Is it just me?


Well, holy Toledo, you could easily open up a can of worms for me there. You just described my marriage and I'm a bit frustrated at the moment! It is so not you!! And honestly, I think women have always ben the lead role, it's just that we get to complain about it now.

If it's going to be, IT'S UP TO ME!!!

guamvixen
08-09-2010, 12:52 PM
Well, holy Toledo, you could easily open up a can of worms for me there. You just described my marriage and I'm a bit frustrated at the moment! It is so not you!! And honestly, I think women have always ben the lead role, it's just that we get to complain about it now.

If it's going to be, IT'S UP TO ME!!!

Exactly! Thanks for sharing my thoughts! It's always a little comforting when you know you aren't alone. :) It gets depressing. I can only plan so many date nights, and do so many nice gestures, and give so much of a hoot for so long! It's getting extremely exhausting. Even just a picked flower for me would do these days. :(

JustBeckyV
08-09-2010, 01:19 PM
My DH is the same way about things. He tries to say the right things and means well just doesn't always word things correctly. I know that he loves me and is proud and most of it I just let it roll off :)

caryesings
08-09-2010, 04:53 PM
Well ladies, thanks for making me feel pretty darn good about my never married status!

Eliana
08-09-2010, 05:17 PM
Well ladies, thanks for making me feel pretty darn good about my never married status!

Today, I could give you an ear full! Seriously...today's a really bad day for me to be participating in a thread like this. :p I've already had my ear chewed off twice and I don't think it's over. DH is PMSing. :D

astrophe
08-09-2010, 05:35 PM
Why in the world is my saying what he said hurts my feelings my issue? I think it is our issue, and he should avoid saying things like that to avoid hurting my feelings.

I agree. Who cares if he thinks it is silly? Or he didn't mean it like it sounded?

Fine, you can forgive him this time for not knowing it. But now that he DOES know and was called on it... is he going to cut it out or what? Does he need help in what to say? Give him some examples he can use that are acceptable.

"'You are doing great.' (snip) Stop there and end on a positive. Don't add the "You have a long way to go" bit. That would be ok."

Or maybe the topic of weight needs to just be a nontopic right now?

A.

boots
08-09-2010, 05:48 PM
So tonight I said, "It hurts my feelings when you say things like that, I know I need to lose more weight right now, I am not blind I can see how fat I am." To which he gets mad at me and says well that is my issue, he would never say anything about my weight to be mean and he knows that I would never say anything about his weight to be mean because he knows I love him. Why in the world is my saying what he said hurts my feelings my issue? I think it is our issue, and he should avoid saying things like that to avoid hurting my feelings.

Sorry for the rant...I just had to get it out.


Its good to rant, to get it out.

The most bothersome part here is that you vocalized that he hurt you, and he responded by getting angry? WTF?

A healthy response would be to APOLOGIZE for HURTING YOU!


Being hurt isn't something that you can control, thats a part of you. His words ARE something that HE can control.

He was the offender here, he needs to apologize for hurting you.

Establish some boundaries, is it OKAY for someone to hurt you? Are you okay with that?

I use to be okay with letting myself be hurt all the time, I use to stuff my feelings, my heart, my needs to the bottom and always let stuff "roll off my back" or whatever. You know where that got me? Right in the middle of a f-ing marriage where my needs were never met, my personal rights were ignored, and my feelings ALWAYS overlooked.

Tell him to f-ing apologize, because YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!


After awhile your heart isn't going to want to be a doormat anymore, its going to want to be loved. If you don't care enough about it to make sure its loved, no one else will either.



EDIT: PS my inlaws are JUST like that. Once they stayed over a weekend, I made them eggs and cheese for breakfast. Seriously, who complains about eggs and cheese? They told me it was "too eggy" and his sister told me it was "too cheesy" WTF??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???

envelope
08-09-2010, 05:50 PM
Thanks for listening everyone. I did not want to vent to a friend in person, and I did not want to grab something to eat to make myself feel better for the moment so I came where I always come for weightloss support. :)

I am pretty sure that now that I have pointed it out to him, he will not make anymore comments like that in the future. It would have been nice had he not had a fit about it.

BrittanieYork
08-09-2010, 06:08 PM
I can definitely relate to this thread. I am a bridal show producer and we got into a conversation that ended up with him telling me that I should go on stage and give a presentation since there is no one else really qualified to do it. I told him that I wouldn't go on stage until I lost more weight, the show isn't until January.

He proceeded to tell me "So you'll lose the weight so you look good on stage, but you won't lose it for your husband?" Now, I know that he liked the size I was when I met him, a curvy 185. I am now about 40 lbs heavier. But geez! I thought he always thought I looked "good".

Kinda hurts my heart, but I hate to say it, I think he has a point. He should be 2nd on my list, after me. Just wish he told me in a more supportive manner. :( Then I have a morning like today where I gained over 3 lbs! :mad: Now I'm venting, lol.

EagleRiverDee
08-09-2010, 06:23 PM
Your husband should own his words. I could get his reaction IF a reasonable person would not have found what he said offensive, but a reasonable person WOULD (and DID) find his words offensive. Therefore he should apologize, and not one of those non-apologies where he says, "I'm sorry you TOOK it that way." I hate those.

Eliana
08-09-2010, 07:24 PM
Here's something my husband and I have struggled with, me in particular. I'm a pretty analytical person, so I can take a step back from almost anything. But there's just something about weight issues that hurts.

My husband used to always tell me I was beautiful, even fat. And I believed him!! Bless him, he was really good about that. But now as I get smaller, he says things like, "I just love your new butt" and I remind him that he liked my old butt. So was he lying then? Or is he lying now? It's makes it hard for me to believe him because I think I KNOW he's just saying it to be nice. :dizzy:

It's really complicated. What is guy to do, after all?

doingmybest
08-09-2010, 07:38 PM
Comments like the ones from some of your husbands/SOs/families make me want to scream!!!! :fr: :tantrum: :rollpin: :mad: :club: :frypan: :kickbutt:

I was talked to like that when I was a kid, so I am really sensitive to it and I simply won't tolerate it from anybody. One time when my DH and I were dating, over 30 years ago, he made a mean comment about my weight. When I got done telling him off after that, he never, ever talked to me that way again! I basically told him to go shove it if he didn't like it. :stars: I cut off almost all contact with my MIL because almost every time I'm with her she starts doing that. I usually walk away, or on occasion, tell her off too.

I find comments like that demotivating and embarrassing.
What are people thinking? I am so sick of it!

The next time someone points out any of your faults, turn the conversation around and start talking about their faults! I hate to resort to the same bad behavior but maybe that is the only way to get them to stop!

Sorry about the rant - just had to do it! I'm with Boots on this one!

Windchime
08-09-2010, 10:50 PM
Well ladies, thanks for making me feel pretty darn good about my never married status!

I gave it a shot, but it didn't take. I have been divorced for over a decade and I honestly can't see ever getting married again. I guess there must be some advantages, but it's kind of nice not having to come home to a critical presence or someone that I have to take care of every night. (Well, there is the cat but he's rarely critical.)

VicSin13
08-10-2010, 01:32 AM
I am not married either, but my db and I have been together for about a year and 8 months, though we have known each other about 8 years all together. At first he was giving me the "I love you the way you are. I have seen you thinner, I have seen you heavier, but I love you no matter what!" spiel he's now moved on to "You looked great before, but you are looking even better now." but sometimes depending on how secure he is feeling (if he's noticed guys looking my way, or if I've spoken to an old guy friend on Facebook) then he goes back to the "You look just great to me baby!" It makes me laugh especially when I think of how far I have to go, and how amazing I will look then (especially if he thinks I look great now!) Part of me sometimes worries that he says I look great because he openly admitted that he is afraid I will leave him if I lose weight and end up with more attention from other fellas. I assured him that I don't want men who didn't give me a second glance before, he is all I want because even when we were just friends he always told me he thought I was beautiful. He likes that response!

caryesings
08-10-2010, 09:35 AM
I gave it a shot, but it didn't take. I have been divorced for over a decade and I honestly can't see ever getting married again. I guess there must be some advantages, but it's kind of nice not having to come home to a critical presence or someone that I have to take care of every night. (Well, there is the cat but he's rarely critical.)

In my 20s my friends could not understand why I wasn't getting married, and I could tell felt just a bit sorry for me. But by the time we were all 40-something, they were openly envying my life.

Windchime
08-10-2010, 10:50 AM
In my 20s my friends could not understand why I wasn't getting married, and I could tell felt just a bit sorry for me. But by the time we were all 40-something, they were openly envying my life.

Yeah, I got quite a bit of that at my last class reunion. :)

TXMary2
08-10-2010, 11:19 AM
My DH has said his share of dumb things over the years. He is learning from his mistakes now. LOL Now, just to be on the safe side he has taken up calling me, "Slim." It's funny since I am not "slim" yet, but he wouldn't dare choose any other word for fear of it being the wrong one.

ShylahEQ
08-10-2010, 11:44 AM
I will rent out my hubs for lessons, if any need for the topic of weight loss that is. He always says the right thing. Always.

Now as for my cooking... :p

Devsmama
08-10-2010, 01:43 PM
Well ladies, thanks for making me feel pretty darn good about my never married status!

Agreed!