Weight Loss Support - Ugh ... "If You Want To Get Married, You Better Keep Losing Weight"




audrina
08-05-2010, 01:18 PM
I am a caregiver for my aunt who has MS related dementia. She is very much mentally aware but prone to some delusions.

Last night I was doing her laundry and we were talking about my future, I mentioned wanting to get married and she pauses and goes ...

"You're going to be really mad at me for saying this. But if you want to get married, you better keep losing weight."

Instantly devastated. I now that I'll be successful in my weight loss goals, but my body will never be the way I want it to look, I've done some serious damage to it through my massive weight gain. Does this really mean that no man will ever love me?

I've never been one to say 'weight doesn't matter' because I think it does. Physical attraction has to be there in a relationship for it to really work ... but blah. I didn't need this now.

I was already feeling SO bad about myself, and that just made it worse.


ShelBl
08-05-2010, 01:23 PM
The right guy will be attracted to you either way. I was almost 280 when we got married. Don't let that kind of thinking get you down, because it's so not true.

audrina
08-05-2010, 01:27 PM
The right guy will be attracted to you either way. I was almost 280 when we got married. Don't let that kind of thinking get you down, because it's so not true.

It just really broke my heart. I've always worried that I'm not good enough for someone, and this kind of just cemented it. And I mean, from a family member? :(

I hope that it isn't true, and that I am able to find someone based on how wonderful of a person I am.


Coondocks
08-05-2010, 01:29 PM
Of course physical attraction is a part of it, but weight doesnt' determine physical attraction.
I started dating my sons father at my highest weight, and to this day he still stops out of now where some times and just says "You're beautiful" That was at 248 - 190 and everything in between.

Don't feel bad about yourself, look how far you've already come, be PROUD of yourself!

nelie
08-05-2010, 01:31 PM
I started dating my husband when I was just under 300 lbs after I had lost 70 lbs. I've known many women who met their partners/SOs/spouses/etc when they weighed well over 200 lbs.

I also dated other men prior to dating my husband, even one guy that became a stalker (not good) and I weighed 350 lbs at the time! So anyway, I think overall, you shouldn't dwell on your weight in terms of dating. One thing you may need to work on is your self esteem. I think that helps the most. Even if you don't believe it now, fake it.

Ciao
08-05-2010, 01:33 PM
My fiancÚ saw me go from 135 to nearly 165
and he tells me now that he doesn't know why
I started losing weight because he'd still love
me no matter what size I am.

I know it hurts when it's family. I've been stuck
around cousins who have virtually no fat on them!
I swear my one cousin is about 5'7'' and 120 lbs!
And my aunts use to joke all the time that I'm chubby
while gently patting my tummy. You know what that
does to a little kid? Or they'd call me "big mama" as a joke.
It wasn't a funny joke to a 9 year old.

JoJoJo2
08-05-2010, 01:34 PM
Your aunt has MS related dementia so she doesn't have the checks and balances in her mind now that most of us do. That is, forgive her for what she said and go on with your life.

You have done a remarkable job of losing the weight. Don't let a comment from a loved one who has dementia bother you.

Just keep on doing what you have been doing, and when the time is right, the right guy will show up in your life.

MaddiesMom
08-05-2010, 01:37 PM
The right man is out there for you, and will be attracted to you for who you are, not your weight. I met my hubby, I was over 200 pounds, and at my hightest, was 275. He's been through my weight ups and downs and doesn't care either way.

Family will always be brutal, no matter what, so take everything with a grain of salt. You are beautiful and someone will love you for it.

kateleestar
08-05-2010, 01:41 PM
I met my hubby at 215ish and married at 230ish, and he tells me I'm the love of his life, or I'm beautiful ALL the time.

When it's the right person, they will love you for YOU and not what you look like. And yes, physical attraction is part of it, but its not all of it. :)

And... don't be so hard on yourself. You have to learn to brush some things off! :hug:

astrophe
08-05-2010, 01:42 PM
Nope. Not true. I met DH at the start of my gain and he's seen me 165 - 265 and pregnant to boot.

Besides, bodies age -- Women have babies. Hair goes grey.

It doesn't matter before or after the wedding.

And keep this in mind too -- we get to pick our friends and spouses. We just inherit our relatives... and some of them we wouldn't pick out if we could have had a choice.

Add that your aunt has dementia... I'd just let it slide and try not to pay attention to that stuff.

My dad has PTSD and says all kinds of crazy stuff too. I know its the disease talking, not him. It hurts when he does it and I'm in the moment with this ugly comment just let out in the air. But I eventually get my perspective back and can move past it and not dwell.

GL!

A.

TheBunneh
08-05-2010, 01:44 PM
Physical attraction doesn't always mean being attracted to an attractive body. (Yeah, that wasn't an an awkwardly worded sentence, not at all. :dizzy:) Even at my highest weight my husband was all over me, because it was -me- and he found -me- beautiful. And yes his attraction has grown since I've lost weight, but that has more to do with me being comfortable and actually not minding when his hands wander now because I feel less awful about my weight. I know that I'm probably going to have issues after I lose weight (I'm prepared for loose skin considering I've been overweight my entire life and it already feels loose, stretch marks, etc), but he's the only person I know won't care.

Does that mean every guy will be able to see past the outside? No, some people are very shallow. But there are a lot of guys who will. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" isn't just a saying, though sometimes it seem like it with the strict perception of beauty that's shoved in our face all the time. Yeah, I agree that a trim, fit, and "tight" body is more sexually attractive. But when you get to know the person the body matters quite a bit less.

audrina
08-05-2010, 01:46 PM
Thank you so much everyone, and thanks for sharing your experiences with me. It really hurts to hear something like that from a family member when I thought they were the ones who were supposed to be telling you how beautiful you are.

I just hate to think that my weight really plays such a huge roll in me finding love in my life, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month for four years, and it gets hard sometimes.

I know I'm not a hideous beast, and I know that I'm a fun and happy person to be around and that people want to spend time with me but whenever I think about why I'm single the real reason it comes down to is me being overweight.

The truth is, that's probably not what it is at all - it's probably that I don't go out and meet people as easily as others, but it's hard to put that in perspective when I feel so badly about my weight.

Gold32
08-05-2010, 01:52 PM
I've never been one to say 'weight doesn't matter' because I think it does. Physical attraction has to be there in a relationship for it to really work ... but blah. I didn't need this now.

So not true. Weight can be or become a factor, but it certainly isn't for everyone or every situation. It does not necessarily effect physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness does not necessarily effect your ability to find love. Physical attraction is subjective, and widely varied. Physical attraction is a non-issue to a lot of people. Physical attraction can grow. Things that used to bother you can become a non-issue or a turn on. Most importantly physical attraction is NOT and SHOULD NOT be the main factor in a relationship!

I understand your concern, but seriously, you are hurting yourself by thinking this way. Have confidence in yourself. You will find someone, and they will love you for all of you: heart, mind, body and soul.

This reminded me of one of my favorite sonnets:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Translation: Love is eternal. Beauty is not.

kaplods
08-05-2010, 02:12 PM
I met my husband about 20 lbs from my highest weight. Dating put on an extra 20 lbs, andwhen we married, I was at my highest weight. My hubby is a big guy too (though I think I outweighed him slightly when we married), but he didn't "settle" for me, and I didn't "settle" for him. We chose each other, because we each had what the other was looking for (and for neither of us was a slim, sterotypically beautiful body on our list).

My husband is a charismatic and fun guy. He's dated women from pretty to frumpy (a couple were very pretty). Even obese and disabled, he still has women (often younger, thinner women) flirting with him (a few have even done it in front of me, assuming I suppose that I'm "no competition" for them).

If only appearance mattered, women wouldn't be after my husband (he's not wealthy either). If only appareance mattered, I would have to worry about these younger, prettier women chasing after my husband.

I'm not worried. I know he loves me, and I know he finds me sexy and beautiful (he did 85 lbs ago, too), and I know he has no interest in finding anyone younger, thinner or in any other way in a "better package," than I am.

Your aunt isn't thinking clearly, and you're putting more validity in her comments than they're worth.

Physical attraction can be important in a relationship, but for many people not as much as you'd think. It defintely doesn't have to be there before other feelings, and it doesn't have to be inflexible. I wasn't initially attracted to my husband at all. I doubt I would have had a second date with him, if we'd met under different circumstances (I placed a personal ad, and we'd been talking for at least 3 hours every night for quite a while before meeting (at least a week, I think closer to two). I don't think I was his ideal either (his celeb crush is Drew Barrymore, so heavy isn't his preferred body type).

Don't get me wrong, we didn't vomit when we saw each other, but as our friendship grew so did our physical attraction for each other. I loved hubby's red/auburn hair. Eight years later, it's mostly gray. If he decided to dye it so that it would be red again, I'd be very happy but it wasn't so important that I'm not attracted to him anymore. There are so many components of attraction, and the perfect body doesn't top most people's lists.

Whether you lose weight or don't, there will be men who are attracted to you, some of which you will also find attractive. It is true that the less conventional you look, the smaller the dating pool, but even 800 lb men and women find love. People with disfigurements, jerks and idiots.

If only perfect people attracted mates, the human species would have died out millenia ago.

audrina
08-05-2010, 02:38 PM
Thank you all again for your kind words. I do know that there are people who have been attracted to me based on my personality alone and that's what I tend to be attracted to when it comes to others.

I don't know why I think that if I don't look for the physical attractiveness of someone I assume that everyone else does. I think it's just because I'm so ashamed of the way I look. I just need to get over it and start to love myself more, then someone will love me too.

I know I'm placing too much validity on what my aunt said, it's just that comments like that really hurt my feelings. I already worry that I'll never look how I want to, but to hear that I'm just not good enough as I am now from someone else - well that really hurts my already fragile feelings.

ladyfafa
08-05-2010, 03:03 PM
You will never be able to love someone else, if you don't love yourself. Cheesy, but it actually is true. I married my husband at 265. I have been up to 278 recently. I am now 264. but at one point i went down to 230. fluctuations, you know. so, he wants me to lose weight so i can be healthy and have children and not have to worry about complications. It took me a long time to understand that he really truly does love me for who I am, well he did marry me right? He just wants the best for me, as I do also. Some people would never know that my self esteem is so low, most people think I am confident to the point of arrogance at times. But truly, I have low self esteem, especially considering my body image. I am working on it, but the most important thing for you to remember is that, you will be fine with or without a man...you just need to let happen whatever it is that is going to happen. But if you truly want to be loved, you must love yourself..and then you will find it easier to go out and meet different people. But you need the confidence first. Don't be ashamed of who you are...you are what you are, and that's it.

ladyfafa
08-05-2010, 03:05 PM
oh and btw..you are doing an amazing job so keep up the good work!

:cb:

musicalme223
08-05-2010, 03:12 PM
You are on the way to looking the way you want to so, congratulations! I extremely sensitive myself. I have found that the harsh words of others can be great motivation. Use her words and the hurt you feel to keep you going on your journey to reaching your goals:)

sarahyu
08-05-2010, 03:24 PM
Oh please, if you find a guy that only wants you because you are thin, you don't need that guy at all.

People like you for you-what's on the inside, how you treat others, how you like yourself.

Honestly, look at the vast majority of people in the world, most of us are plain and plump and many of us have found love. So I wouldn't let what your aunt said get you down too long.

Of course there's nothing wrong with staying in shape and continuing to lose weight for yourself just to be healthy.

EagleRiverDee
08-05-2010, 03:33 PM
I was thin when I met my guy, but we're engaged, not married and he still wants to marry me. Love is love. Actually, I think he's more attracted to me now than he was then, because he loves me more as time goes on.

Are some guys hung up on appearance? Yes. Are all guys? No way. There will be guy that will love you exactly as you are.

Beach Patrol
08-05-2010, 04:32 PM
Kaplods has the PERFECT avatar.... Shrek & Fiona. When I start feeling "unbeautiful" I like to watch the first Shrek movie. It reminds me: Beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder. And what about blind people? They can't see if someone is physically attractive or not - they go purely by personality & common interests! And somehow manage to fall in love, just like everybody else!! Imagine that... ;)

tw326at41
08-05-2010, 05:23 PM
Audrina,
Don't let peoples comments get you down. Beleive me I know that is easier said than done but these wonderful women have shown you (and me) that the right guy can come along at anytime when you are any weight. I found all their stories inspiring and hope that we both find someone who loves us for who we are! Congratulations on an 83 pound weight loss. I can't weight for that!

wikidsnyper
08-05-2010, 06:18 PM
sorry to say this, but she lies!!!!

i got married at my heaviest-240, which is pretty big considering i was an athlete in my high school and weighed 140..i met my husband when i was gaining weight, first 20 lbs, then 30 lbs, 40 lbs, then whaddya know? i'm up to 240..he wouldn't have noticed if i didn't complain so much (but i think he appreciated the bigger boobs and butt)..but our relationship progressed, we both got bigger (he is 5'6, was 265 lbs, his heaviest), then we got married. nothing wrong with it. we are both trying to lose weight, which is awesome cuz i am not alone in this journey..i got my life partner beside me for that..a man will love you for who you are, if you find the right one..some are just so focused on looks that they forget the big picture..and there are plenty of guys out there like that, you just gotta keep your options open..

smile and laugh always!

bargoo
08-05-2010, 06:35 PM
Try to remember that your aunt has Dementia and take that into consideration.

ringmaster
08-05-2010, 08:19 PM
You will never be able to love someone else, if you don't love yourself.

I think that is what it all comes down to, loving yourself and having confidence. In another thread people mentioned guys liking a specific body type, what if a guy prefers BBW and you lose weight... it's the same as being thin and gaining weight.

I realize if a guy has a certain body preference I should take it slow with them, and they might not be the guy for me if I have to always worry about if I gain or lose weight they wouldn't like me anymore.

sasinez
08-05-2010, 08:28 PM
Audrina, I hear that all the time from my grandmother who is 100% perfectly healthy. It does hurt to hear someone, especially family, say something that is so hurtful and needless to say untrue. My best friend and I are over weight and we also have a hard time finding someone who can accept us for who we are inside because they are to distracted by the outside appearances. There is someone for everyone and I tell my friend this. "If they cant accept you at your worst, they dont deserve you at your best." There is someone who will accept all of us for who we are inside and see past the physicality of things and see our beauty. Everyone is beautiful in their own special way. Just keep hope alive, it will happen.

And congratulations on the 83 pound loss! I am so scared of failing! I just started and its so hard! If someone can do it, I feel like I can do it too!


Hang in there!

ParadiseFalls
08-05-2010, 10:01 PM
Add me to the pile of women whose boyfriends/spouses love them they way they are. I met my boyfriend when I was 225 pounds, and we're still together the way I am now. I wouldn't take anything she says too seriously, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. My boyfriend's grandmother's dying words to me were that she liked me better blonde :p

dragonwoman64
08-06-2010, 03:55 PM
I know I'm not a hideous beast, and I know that I'm a fun and happy person to be around and that people want to spend time with me but whenever I think about why I'm single the real reason it comes down to is me being overweight.

The truth is, that's probably not what it is at all - it's probably that I don't go out and meet people as easily as others, but it's hard to put that in perspective when I feel so badly about my weight.

I'm in a relationship right now, and have been even at my highest weight. I do get how you feel. I know in the past it has been easier for me to focus on my weight and the unhappiness and dissatisfaction around my weight rather than all the scary stuff that can come with romantic relationships. I think that can make it harder to recognize and respond when someone actually is or could be attracted. And to deal with the fact not everyone I'm attracted to will feel that way back.

Part of you probably does get that what your relative said is her deal. Who knows, maybe she has all kinds of weight and body issue stuff in her past. Maybe guys she was involved with were mean to her. Her uncensored and insensitve thoughts don't have to shape or be your reality. (From what you've said, if she were more herself she may not have ever even uttered those words to you in the first place.)

When people were attracted to you, I'm sure part of it was personality--and part of it was physicality, just like when you're attracted to someone. Probably only a minute, minute number of women living on this planet will ever feel like they look the way they want to, ha.

cherylmn
08-06-2010, 04:10 PM
I just had to reply to this. I am absolutely RAGING mad for you right now!

:mad: :tantrum: :frypan: :kickbutt:

Family member or not, that was completely out of line. Your weight is only 1 part of who you are, and any man who could only love you at a specific number is not deserving of the wonderful human being I am certain you are.

We are people defined by many characteristics. Our weight is a reflection of ONE aspect of our lives. Oftentimes, an outward reflection that something is amiss internally. But regardless of how each of us came to need this forum, saying that we need to lose weight in order for someone to love us is not only completely untrue, it is extremely hurtful.

PLEASE, do not let this woman's ignorance color your view of yourself. You are worth loving at ANY and every weight.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

kaplods
08-06-2010, 06:12 PM
I just had to reply to this. I am absolutely RAGING mad for you right now!

:mad: :tantrum: :frypan: :kickbutt:

Family member or not, that was completely out of line.

If the aunt didn't have dementia, I would agree. Dementia is a brain disorder - damage to the brain. It's not just memory loss, it can include personality changes and inappropriate behavior (and the inability to recognize inappropriate behavior) Persons with dementia may say rude things, expose themselves, or make sexually explicit and otherwise inappropriate comments.

It's not her fault. That doesn't mean it isn't hurtful, but rage will only make the situation worse. She can't help it.


I would recommend a support group for caregivers or dementia patients and/or their caregivers though. It will be extremely helpful to talk to other caregivers who've dealt with similar problems.

Laureedee
08-06-2010, 06:54 PM
I have low self esteem so I used to ask myself the same question. For so long, the only man who was interested enough in me to want a real relationship was someone who preferred chubby women, so I became convinced that was the only sort of man I could attract. It's just a mental thing we have to get over. Some men can be shallow but you know what? They don't notice half the stuff we do about ourselves. The right guy will be attracted to you, and there are probably already men out there who find you attractive, whether you know it or not. Comments like the one your aunt made hurt (I know, I had a grandpa who meant well but had no filter at all!) but you just have to brush them off. You have to know you're worth more than someone who just wants a perfect body, and that someone special out there will want you because you're someone special, at 195lbs or 395lbs.

doingmybest
08-06-2010, 07:18 PM
When I was single, my parents used to say to me "Nobody is ever going to want you!"

After I got married (at about 200 lbs.), my parents would say to me "You are lucky that somebody wants you".

Even at my very highest weight, my husband always really loves me - as I have loved him - even at his highest weight. We are now WW buddies together and we are a great support system for each other. We have been married for 30 years and together for 33.

Besides marrying the man I married, the second best thing I ever did was to Stop Listening To Critical People!!!

There is a good man out there for you - no matter what.

dragonwoman64
08-07-2010, 09:58 AM
When I was single, my parents used to say to me "Nobody is ever going to want you!"

After I got married (at about 200 lbs.), my parents would say to me "You are lucky that somebody wants you".

that's just really awful. I think they were talking through their own fears for you or own their own personal hangups, but you didn't deserve to hear that at all. I'm really glad you found a great hubby!!!

ThicknPretty
08-07-2010, 10:50 AM
If the aunt didn't have dementia, I would agree. Dementia is a brain disorder - damage to the brain. It's not just memory loss, it can include personality changes and inappropriate behavior (and the inability to recognize inappropriate behavior) Persons with dementia may say rude things, expose themselves, or make sexually explicit and otherwise inappropriate comments.

It's not her fault. That doesn't mean it isn't hurtful, but rage will only make the situation worse. She can't help it.


I would recommend a support group for caregivers or dementia patients and/or their caregivers though. It will be extremely helpful to talk to other caregivers who've dealt with similar problems.


As usual, I agree with Kaplods!

Of course it was hurtful, but you do have to understand that dementia can cause a person to say and do things that they wouldn't have prior to dementia and things that are normally considered rude and inappropriate. My own grandmother is beginning to show some signs of dementia and she says some things that would make my jaw drop...if she was just a normal, regular person saying them out of rudeness. Once, I got all dressed up for a date and when I went to ask her how I looked and if the dress made me look fat (I know, partially my fault for asking), she replied, "Well, you do look overweight, but that's not the outfits fault really." :o (Actually, now that I type that, it's rather funny.)

And another thing to consider...I think elderly women do have a tendency to associte weight with the ability to "get a man". In their day, there was a lot of emphasis on having a small, waspy, "feminine" figure, that was considered desirable and crucial to your ability to land a mate.

I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. As you can see from the many replies, it wasn't true at all. There are definitely really awesome men out there who would love to get to know and date you! :hug:

EagleRiverDee
08-08-2010, 05:33 PM
Family sometimes feels they have a right to say things they'd NEVER say to someone they weren't related to. I remember vividly my mom looking at me and saying, "You're getting fat!" OMG. If I had said something like that to her, it would have been world war 3. Not that I would ever consider it, but what was she thinking? And this was many pounds ago, so she must really be biting her tongue now.

PaulaM
08-08-2010, 05:53 PM
You know what men are attracted to? Confident women! I think they can smell desperation. I've been with my husband for 37 years, I've been every size from 6 to 22. I got fat, he got bald, so what. That's life. It really is how you feel about yourself, and since you are in here, you are doing something about a part of you that you don't like. Just keep at it, but meanwhile make yourself available, meaning be places where the possibility exists that you might meet somebody. Prince Charming can't find you if you are locked inside your house. (and having said Prince Charming, I don't believe in waiting for Mr. Right to show up, just enjoy your life TODAY).

doingmybest
08-08-2010, 06:11 PM
DragonWoman64 - Thank you so much for your very nice comments. It really helps to hear what you said even after so many years. :hug: It made me tear up to read your post. :cry:

At the time, I believed what my parents said about me and it affected me for years - I don't want Audrina to go through the same thing.

Audrina - you have already done an amazing job with weight loss and taking care of your aunt. Be proud of yourself. When you find the right, wonderful person to spend your life with, he will be lucky to be with you. :hug:

ShiningStar05
08-09-2010, 12:22 AM
Don't be discouraged. Yes, a lot of men put emphasis on weight but not ALL men. I know plenty of bigger girls who've gotten married to great (good looking) men. Some men even prefer bigger girls. Not all men are shallow. If you are a good person you won't have a problem.

I'm sorry that you were discouraged but don't let that get you down. There is someone for everyone and I truly believe that.

bright83
08-09-2010, 10:45 AM
I can't really give you any advice because I am still working on this particular issue myself. My grandmother is like your aunt, except she does not have dementia and has been this way her whole life. She calls my 2 year old neice fat and tells her to suck in her stomach. She asks my 5 year old nephew if he thinks his aunt (me) is fat. She has made more than one of my cousins cry from mean comments she has made about their weight. I could be 160 or 260 and it will still be fat to her period!

She has told me numerous times that I will never be happy, let alone fine someone to marry me, unless I lose weight.I have dated numerous losers because I really believed her that I was lucky to find anyone at all that wanted me!

I have let her have way too much control over my own self thoughts and I now realize its ridiculous. Just because one person says you can't find a guy when you are fat does not negate the millions of other people who say that you will find that guy!

However, I know how hard it is to know something and actually feel it. I might know she is being ridiculous but I still have a hard time banishing her thoughts. I'm sorry this wasn't very helpful but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one!

kaylamparker
08-09-2010, 11:46 AM
Just remember, if a guy only wants you because of your body, then he is so not worth you at all.

There is someone out there and he is going to love all of you.