I came to the conclusion today that I hate my body. I actually hate this thing that I've worked my you-know-what off for. I feel so down and discouraged and helpless (and yes, perhaps dramatic).
I tried on lingerie. Again.
How many attempts will it take for me to learn and understand that no amount of black lace, ribbons, bows or satin will make all this sagging, floppy, empty skin sexy? The best I could hope for is to find something to lessen my repulsiveness. Sure, in jeans and a t-shirt I look okay....but put me in a baby doll and it's nothing but arm pit fat and stretch marks and the most pathetic boobs you've ever seen.
How is it possible that I was sexier fat? I posted on someone elses thread today and encouraged her to have confidence, be bold, flaunt it! And here I am, whimpering and feeling downright sorry for myself over my own naked (or scantily clad) self. What a freakin' hypocrite.
I'm sorry guys. I'm the most annoying 3FC member ever. I'm up, I'm down. I'm ok...then I'm definitely not. I guess I just had my hopes up so high for weight loss and what my body would be like afterwards...it was inevitable that I would be crushed.
I had my heart set on surprising my boyfriend this weekend with some sexy lingerie...light some candles...do other random sexy vixen-ish things. I was so excited and nervous. Now I just feel deflated. Who am I kidding?
08-04-2010, 08:07 PM
Let me ask you something:
If another gril on this forum were saying such negative things about herself you'd probably be able to say 10 positive things about her and tell her a bunch of reasons why her negative thinking isn't true-right?
Well-do that for yourself. You're being way too hard on yourself. :hug:
It sounds like you feel completely overwhelmed and sad. Maybe you had an expectation in your mind of how you thought things would be after losing weight and it just isn't measuring up to how you dreampt it would be.
Take heart! You're a person. You're way more then the skin and bones and body that you feel trapped in.
The bigger question is what is really hurting you? I think you'll find some unrealistic woman starring back at you. Drop her. Accept yourself. You did a wonderful job losing the weight and maybe you have some saggy skin because of it. Maybe you can find a way to help your body to tone up or even find out about skin removal, but don't try to make yourself into that unrealistic "perfect" you.
Believe me I've met my dream me and she's just too much unreal. I was putting so much pressure on myself to fit into what I dreamed I'd look like after I lost my weight. It was my husband who brought me a picture one day of myself a few years back and said how great I looked and how I didn't need to be that person I talk about I just need to be the healthy happy me that he loves. Wow what an eye opener. Forget the idea of perfection. I know I learned it the hard way, but thank goodness I came to the realization: I'll take the real me over the dream me anyday!
And for what its worth I think you are wonderful. I am proud of you and after all this hard work I'd hate to see you beat yourself up. Take heart.
Poor girl. You're just being too hard on yourself. :hug:
08-04-2010, 08:12 PM
This is the price we pay for being overweight. However, it can take up to a year for the skin to shrink completely so give it time. You have to love yourself the way you are if you want to be confident and successful at maintaining.
08-04-2010, 08:12 PM
Your not the worst 3FCer, a lot of us are on a rollercoaster here. I totally am, weight loss or not.... I think its a human thing, we are just like that.
I'm sorry your feeling so down right now. :hug:
08-04-2010, 08:33 PM
I'm at that age 60, where everything has headed south! Talk about droop and sag! But I remember when I was in my 20's and 30's the least inperfection was THE END OF THE EARTH for me. I never liked seeing myself in a bikini but do you know what? I found some old photos last Christmas of when I was on a trip around Canada in 1971 and even if I say so myself, I was a little cracker in my bikini and no one else noticed the lose skin here and there:D
We all feel bad about lose skin but it takes many months for it to shrink. For all the negative things you feel about yourself there are 10 possitive ones. Imagine you met someone on the bus who was so very unhappy about themselves, you would take every bad point they mentioned and say something good.
Make a list of all the things you think are bad about yourself and then take each one in turn and write something good about it.
At the end of the day, outer appearances are just the envelope, the letter iside is much more interesting.
And what right do you have to step into the 'most annoying person on 3FC'? I've booked that place for myself
08-04-2010, 08:34 PM
Some other people here have really good emotional advice. Can I give some practical advice? Don't try on lingerie in a department store under horrible lighting. Take it home, turn off the lights, light the candles, and THEN look in the mirror. There's a reason candlelight is sexy. It forgives everything.
Also, men see the good stuff. They don't multi-task well. Once they find something they like looking at, they stop there.
08-04-2010, 08:39 PM
sexy is all about attitude. and some days, we just don't have it. you are beautiful, intelligent, self aware and so supportive of others. you're having a bad day, and that sucks but it's ok. give yourself a break, be proud of your accomplishments, and do whatever feels good today. if it's jeans and a t-shirt that make you feel comfortable, ok. tomorrow you may feel more up to it. and don't feel bad about using this forum to share your feelings- that's what it (we) are here for, and we have ALL felt this way (not to speak for everyone, but we are all here because we want to make changes and that doesn't come without expectations and disappointments, along with the pride.)
there's no perfect. i hope tomorrow you feel better and sexier in your smokin' lingerie! i wish i had someone to wear lingerie for, because i just broke up with someone who wasn't supportive. i'm trying not to assume that he would have been more supportive if i had been more perfect. that's his problem.
actually, thank you for posting this, though i am so sorry that you are feeling this way today. it was brave, and i think a lot of us can relate. we are our own worst critics. but we know you are beautiful AND sexxxy!!
08-04-2010, 08:44 PM
All of the other posters did such an amazing job saying what I would have said, that I just have one more thing to add. I have tons of loose skin and stretch marks. I don't know if we can post links, but go to the Fredericks of Hollywood website and look for the Parisian Lace Corset. I feel AMAZING in it. There's tons of sexy corsets and lingerie on there that will cover your uncomfortable parts and flaunt the ones you love.
08-04-2010, 08:48 PM
I agree. The lighting is HORRIBLE in those places. But in soft candlelight it will soften all those imperfections. PLUS, do you really believe that your bf is going to be staring at all those things, or is he going to think you are the most beautiful woman on earth? And you can make him believe it if you make yourself believe it.
And honestly, lingerie isn't the only thing that can make you feel sexy. Sometimes (sorry if this is an overshare) I just wear a cute little tanktop with some little underwear or shorts. Then you are covered, but its still sexy.
I'm sure when I lose the weight I will go through this myself. But, I also love who I am. And I think EVERY woman has to learn to do that, even the ones with the perfect bodies, or else they would be the same way only seeing the imperfections.
Start out with finding one thing about yourself that you LOVE and flaunt it. :)
08-04-2010, 08:58 PM
I want to echo what PinkHoodie says. I tried to go the whole "sexy lingerie" route, but honestly, my man (at the time) found it kind of intimidating.....all that lace and see-through stuff was a big thing for him to live up to. He honestly was happier when I went with a slim-fitting tank and some little shorts or undies. If the tank is made of silk, that's cool, too. :)
You're not a bad 3FC member--you're just riding the roller coaster of emotions right now, trying to figure out who you are and how to work this new, slim body. Give yourself a break. My guess is that the only thing your man will be seeing is that you're wearing something skimpy and he's going to get to take it off you and see a nekkid girl. :) And candles--yeah. Do the candles.
08-04-2010, 09:01 PM
Would you say these things about someone else ? I don't think you would. Try being as kind to yurself as you would to someone else.
08-04-2010, 09:10 PM
You should be proud of your hard work. Plus your boyfriend is not worrying about what you are worrying about. I just had a similar issue with thong underwear and my boyfriend wants me to wear it and I was like why do you want to see this fat butt in a thong. He said it's because it's sexy. Obviously we are not looking at the same but thats the point. Your boyfriend loves you no matter what!
Everyone has down days myself included, just don't let them take over.
08-04-2010, 09:27 PM
Your body isn't the one you've been used to. It may appear "better" than your old one to everyone but you, but it's like getting a new car and having to get used to all the knobs and buttons being in different places than you're used to. It's awkward, it's even intimidating.
I was so confident at my highest weight (when I was dating my husband and into the early years of our marriage), that I wasn't prepared for aging and dieting to throw off that confidence. I thought if I could be confident naked at 394 lbs, then 309 should be easier (not) and 150 will be perfect (I bet not, either).
My hair is thinning at the crown (only I notice it, so far - but I'm far more self-conscious than I would have expected). I had to have a tumor (luckily benign scar tissue) removed from one breast - which now looks like a volcano when I lie on my back. I've got batwings and my skin is starting to get "crepey" on my hands. The rosacea on my face has started to create some scarring. I don't entirely lack body confidence, but it's definitely disconcerting to find myself in a body I don't always recognize. As soon as I get comfortable, it seems something else changes.
If you were confident at your higher weight, I think you'll regain that confidence as you get aquainted with your new body. Until it's familiar, I think it's going to take a little work. Fake it 'til you make it.
Nothing builds confidence like successfully faking it. When you act confident, and are rewarded for it, or even just "get away with it," it boosts the real confidence, even if only a little. Eventually the "faking" becomes unnecessary.
That's my theory and I'm stickin' to it (it's worked pretty well so far).
08-04-2010, 10:02 PM
Really? The most annoying 3FC member ever? Have you been reading my posts lately? Seriously though, I feel your pain. Doing all this work and not having all your troubles and insecurities disappear really sucks. Not feel that you have the best body you can, feeling like that extra weight ruined your body by stretching it out. I totally get it, look back at some of my posts lately and you'll see the same disappointment.
On the other hand, I've been doing ALOT of soul searching lately and realizing that even if I'd never gained the weight there'd always be something I'd want to change or *fix* about my body, it would never be perfect because no one has a perfect body. This is the new body I have now and I have to wear what flatters it. So if that means no low rise jeans or sexy undies for me, well the so be it. If we can't accept it we can always go back to being fat right? I know for me personally this saggy stretched marked body is better than that one any day. And I have to say everyday it looks a little better and whether that's a mental thing or just time actually tightening things up a little I don't know, but does it really matter? Anyone you meet who is worth knowing is going to accept you for you and not the package you came in. Hugs, I hope you can work through it, I know how tough it is.
08-04-2010, 10:10 PM
I can relate, as I am sure a lot of us here can. You have done such an amazing job and you are so pretty. I know how easy it is to tell others to not be down on themselves and all but not so easy to follow your own advice but I will encourage you all the same to do just that :hug::hug::hug:
08-04-2010, 11:45 PM
I can totally relate. :hug: Even though I have a lot of work to do before I get close to goal, I have stretch marks, and areas of skin that I am not sure what will happen there as I reach goal. These things are always in the background in my mind.
I try to visualize a couple of things to help me when thinking about these things. One is using candlelight. Another is trying to experiment with different kinds of clothes, like different styles of lingerie or a tank set, to see what can help to cover some things and hold other things in place. Another is, I try to think about what I will feel like much later in life, when the simple act of growing older will have changed things, and using that perspective I try to look back at the now and think about what the me then will think about what I have now, and how it's probably pretty great. I also try to remember that attitude and confidence make all the difference.
Having said all of that, I also know how hard it is to take that advice, and how some days none of it matters or can erase the feeling of frustration or sadness about damage that has occurred. So again, I can relate. But remember that you look wonderful and you've accomplished something important. And try not to let the self-doubt rob you of all the amazing experiences you can have. ;)
08-04-2010, 11:58 PM
You just had one of those days when things didn't work. I say don't ditch that plan you had for your boyfriend, because he will seriously love every minute of it. Just choose something that you feel the most confident in and go for it.
Few of us on this forum are going to end up looking like our favorite role model. I recently read that Cindy Crawford said that even she didn't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford! That really says it all that what we see is seldom reality. Being yourself is really and truly just fine.
08-05-2010, 12:35 AM
When I start to feel the way you do, I try to step back and look at things differently.
I try to feel grateful for my body. It serves me well. My heart works, my lungs work, my brain works, I am free of disease, I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can dance, I can laugh. There are plenty of people who can't say that. If I don't fit into a standard size and don't meet society's idea of beautiful - oh well.
There is so much emphasis on the outside of us, what about the inside? I think the price we pay for feeling down about ourselves is way worse than not looking perfect in some lingerie. :hug:
08-05-2010, 01:06 AM
Lingerie, blech. It ends up on the floor in two seconds anyway.
08-05-2010, 01:28 AM
At home, by candle light (or even in the store with ugly bright lights) your BF isn't going to be noticing the sags and stretch marks. He's going to be thinking "OMG there's an amazing scantily clad woman in the room with me and she wants to do sexy vixenish things to me!!!" I think seeing his appreciation should help your confidence.
08-05-2010, 08:49 AM
:hug: Thanks so much girls. Each and every response was so lovely and thoughtful and helped so much. The support here blows my mind. I was in such a bad place last night. I feel a little better today and I'm going to try again this evening...surely there is something out there that would work...
I think one of the problems was that when I tried on the corset, the lady raved about how flattering it was, how it made everyone look good, how everyone loved it, etc, etc. It reeeallly set me up for disappointment. It did NOT look good on me! I'm disappointed about that because the boyfriend has mentioned before that he thinks the stockings and corset look is hot...
So, I'm going to try some other places tonight and try desperately to keep my spirits up and not be so critical of myself...wish me luck! And thanks again!
08-05-2010, 08:57 AM
Oh man---wait a second.
So, this supposedly unflattering look at yourself in sexy underwear TOOK PLACE IN THE STORE????? With those stupid lights and the stuffy booth and a sales lady cooing right outside the door?????
Good grief. Even *I* wouldn't look good in a corset under those circumstances.
And trust me. I look good in a corset.
You march right back to that store, missy and buy. that. corset. And tonight (as a practice run) after the sun goes down, sneak into your bathroom and light two candles and climb into that corset.
And then you let your hair down and raise your arms above your head and let one hand caress the other. Then cock your head and one hip and smile a little *come-hither* smile and I double damn-tee guarantee you that you will look stunning.
Better than me, probably. And that's saying something.
08-05-2010, 09:02 AM
Ever since childhood I've hated my body.
That's 6+ years that I've truly hated my
body. Now I finally love myself. Trust me,
your day will come when you say, "You
know what? Life truly IS too short to keep
hating myself." Hang in there. :)
08-05-2010, 09:08 AM
:hug: We are so much more critical of ourselves than our men are. I'll bet you look great - I know you don't feel it but remember we who struggle with weight don't have realistic body images to begin with. 20 years from now if you looked at a picture of yourself in this lingerie you think looks terrible you would probably think you look hot!!! I speak from experience!
Men do not look at our bodies the way we do. You boyfriend will love that you are giving him the look he says is hot! Just go for it and go back and buy the outfit. I agree with others that candlelight and your man's love will make it all better.
08-05-2010, 11:33 AM
We can be so hard on ourselves! This is not surprising given the constant images of "beauty" we are bombarded with every minute of the day :mad: I agree 100% with JoJo. I always think I look terrible and then years pass and I see a picture of my younger self and I shake my head and wonder what my problem was....I usually look so much better than I remember feeling at the time. My motto regarding my body is youth is wasted on the young....I never appreciated what I had as a young woman. Now in my 40's I vowed to appreciate whatever stage my body is currently at. It ain't easy to do everyday but I try to keep the internal messages positive. I also love lingerie but I choose carefully. It is like any clothing, you gotta try on all sorts of styles to find the fit for you. I don't examine myself in the mirror either. I do a 5 second glance and then turn away and decide if I felt sexy. In the end my hubby is only going to see it on me for a few seconds anyway.
Please be kind to yourself, you have done an amazing thing by deciding to lead a healthy life!
08-05-2010, 02:00 PM
Corsets are hard...honestly, they just push the fat down and out or up and out. What other things does he find sexy? Maybe start with something that isn't so unforgiving. Or find what it is about the corset that looks bad. Not long enough? Too tight? Maybe find one that has a bit more stretch to it? I hope you can find something that works for you though. I am more of a believer that lingerie is meant for the woman! LOL. Because men don't care about it. I just think its more designed to help the woman get in the mood....Good luck to you!
08-05-2010, 02:02 PM
buy it try it at home like Hiya said try it on at home with candle light and test run it and if you still don't find yourself dazzling exchange it for something else. i guarantee you your BF will NEVER see the flaws that you see. We are our own worst critic. It will be the thought and the vavavoom girlfriend that he'll appreciate.
I love lingerie so much I wear it EVERYNIGHT to bed. My pajamas are the babydolls silky lingerie. and hubby LOVES it. even at my size. It's a self confidence thing for me lol. I've worn lingerie to bed since I was 16 haha. I think it helps me sleep better and it just feels darn good! Not exactly talking about lace teddys or Corsets or anything like that but short silky gowns or long ones with spaghetti straps and such. Shoot my kids are even used to it. I'm not exactly mooning anyone in the house but I am VERY comfortable at home :lol:
08-05-2010, 04:08 PM
Oh, man, who doesn't hate what they see in dressing rooms, with their horrible lighting and weird mirrors? It was all I could do to try on swimsuits the other day in preparation for a cruise. I so often come away from dressing rooms with a sinking feeling inside.
Dressing rooms lie. That's all there is to it. None of us is perfect, but none of us looks in reality like we do in dressing rooms, either.
08-05-2010, 08:36 PM
You're trying on the wrong stuff.
What do you love about yourself? Do you love your legs? Are your boobs amazing? Is your waist super thin? SOMETHING on your body must make you feel good about yourself.
Find something that flatters that and minimizes the rest. Something that YOU feel sexy in will make your husband find you sexy. Seriously.
As for the corset thing, can you just fake it? I have a piece of lingerie that looks like a corset but its really just fabric: no boning and the laces don't pull it much tighter than it already is. Nothing is squished ;) Pair it with some cute panties that have built in garters...throw on some stocking... and light a couple candles :)
08-05-2010, 09:59 PM
Ok, I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, but is it possible that you DO look sexy and just don't see it yet? I can't imagine your loose skin could be that bad with your starting weight. Do you think your mind is just torturing you? Maybe there's a way to work this out mentally so you can see yourself the way you really are?
08-05-2010, 10:21 PM
Oh, babe. I really feel for you after reading your post, and though I signed off last night without writing a reply, I kept thinking about you. Really.
Were these **really** the words of the same confident blond with the great simple, swept-back hair who looked so good in her t-shirt & jeans? Hard to believe. You were happy in that other post. And now in this post you don't like yourself. At all. One look in a store mirror was all it took. In spite of all your hard work & the changes you know you've made, you crumpled. You're still fragile. Your self-confidence is still being formed.
I do think you're confusing two things.
One thing is how your man sees you & feels about you when his focus shifts overtly toward your sexual potential and his own sexuality. (I mean, when he's horny.) As others have written here, men's desire is as flattering to their view of you as, well, candlelight. It's like smearing vaseline over the lens of a camera, as aging movie goddesses used to like to do, to soften the focus & make them appear more beautiful.
The other thing is how you saw yourself, at that moment in time, in that one outfit, under very particular circumstances.
Do not confuse the two. They are totally different things.
I don't think you're really seeing yourself, for one thing. Because of body dysmorphia. If we learn one thing from reading posts on 3FC, it's that 90% of the time, women don't really **see** what's in confronting them in the mirror. We just don't.
I think you don't see yourself as you are because you have some image superimposed over yourself, and instead of seeing the whole, as it is, you're disassembling yourself into little pieces, some of which satisfy you & some of which make you crazy when you match them up with your ideal. Like, your arm still lacks this, compared with how you want it to be -- your stomach still doesn't look like this, and ought to look like this mental image -- your boobs need to look like this, the way you thought they'd look.
But ... no one but you has those exact same ideals for each of your various body parts. Certainly not your man. No one is making comparisons or critiquing but you. You're doing this to yourself. You. Not some smart-mouthed b&*(%$ch or some guy yelling out of a car window.
You really need to let up on yourself. Do you really think, in your heart of hearts, your man is going to be as exacting & merciless in his scrutiny of your well-loved body as you have been?
Really, you deserve better treatment from yourself.