General chatter - love one locked up :/

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08-04-2010, 05:11 PM
Hi everyone. I have been struggling with my weight and about 5 months ago found an amazing guy who I fell head over heals in love with. He makes me feel beautiful even though I am fat and has made me want to become a better person. We have recently started talking about marriage and having kids which made me really want to get healthy.
About a month ago, he was working in North Dakota on the oil rigs and got into some trouble. He was out drinking with some guys from work that he didn't know very well and got into a vehicle with a few guys. Well, to make a long story short, he passed out in the vehicle and the other guys left him there. My boyfriend thought that the guys he was with were the owners of the vehicle, but they weren't. The vehicle was stolen. He got arrested for unlawful use of a motor vehicle and possession of stolen property. He is still being held in jail and facing somewhere around 5 years in prison because his one witness took off for fear of being charged also.
I guess I'm just looking for people who may have dealt with, or are dealing with the same sort of thing. I try focusing my sadness elsewhere but I continually turn to eating.

08-04-2010, 05:20 PM
Oh honey, I've been there. You have no idea.

I met a wonderful man and we quickly fell in love. Long story short, he ended up going back to where he was from and found himself in prison. He's facing a minimum stay of 8 years in prison before he's eligible for parole but may serve a life sentence.

We were engaged, and we had decided when he was in prison that we would marry while he was there. I couldn't follow through with it. We wrote daily, talked on the phone daily, it was stressful, but he was so good to me that it made it dealable.

In the end, I gained weight because of it, but I gained even MORE weight because I broke up with him. In the end it just ended up being too much for our relationship.

We've lost contact but I still think about him all the time. I miss his friendship.

It's a hard situation to be in, I know, I've been there. I stuck it out for as long as I possibly could but in the end I was just too young, or our relationship was not strong enough, or maybe we just weren't right for each other but I had to move on.

When you get upset and want to eat, exercise instead. When you get sad, write him a letter, remind yourself of the good times and count the days until it's over. It's a horrible situation to be in, I'm so sorry you found yourself in it.

08-04-2010, 06:26 PM
You have only known him 5 months I would be very cautious about moving forward. I don't know him but just suggesting that many a woman has been fooled by sweet talk. If he is on the up and up the relationship will stand the test of time.

08-04-2010, 10:34 PM
I vote with Bargoo....proceed with caution. Even if it is all as innocent as he presented it to you, the fact remains that his judgement was way, way off to allow himself to be that intoxicated and to be found alone, passed out in a stolen vehicle. It might be just as he says, and it might not. So proceed very, very cautiously.

08-04-2010, 11:13 PM
my fiance is in jail for another 3 1/2 years so i know how it feels. he's out of state so i can't visit or afford phone calls lol it stinks

08-06-2010, 10:25 AM
It was great to hear that I'm not alone in this. I hate that we all have to go through it, but am happy to know there is support and not just judgement out there.
I went to my doctor yesterday and spoke to her about the Lap-band. My insurance requires a year long doctor monitored weight loss attempt before they will approve it. My wonderful boyfriend is so supportive. I am going to try to lose a bunch of weight before he gets to come home. The thought of the look on his face when he sees the "new me" will definitely keep me motivated! If any of you girls ever want to chit chat about life, the stress of having a loved one locked up or want to be a support system for each other, please contact me by yahoo! I have messanger on my phone so i'm always online!

Thighs Be Gone
08-06-2010, 10:27 AM
You have only known him 5 months I would be very cautious about moving forward. I don't know him but just suggesting that many a woman has been fooled by sweet talk. If he is on the up and up the relationship will stand the test of time.

Excellent advice from bargoo. Proceed with extreme caution. Red flags are waving all over the place on this one.

08-06-2010, 11:26 AM

I understand how it feels to have
someone you care about wind up
in jail. My dad has been in and out
of jail since I was little for his dumb
decisions. He's currently serving 166
days for his FIFTH domestic violence.
(Are you kidding, judge? 166 days?)
That doesn't even include the $8,000+
in child support he owes. :mad:

Stay strong. :hug: It seems like he was
just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'd ask yourself some questions.
"Am I willing to wait 5 years for him if
he's convicted?" and so on.

I'm just curious, ARE you willing to wait
5 years for him? He seems like a great
guy from what you're telling us.

08-06-2010, 11:42 AM
I am definitely willing to wait 5 years, even longer if needed. I have dated my fair share of losers and can honesly say that he isn't one of them! I have talked to the arresting officer and the attorneys. I know he isn't lying to me about what happened. I work in law enforcement and I grew up with a dad who was a police officer for 20 years. My dad approves, for the first time EVER which is a big deal! This was definitely a stupid move on my boyfriends part, no denying that, but as far as ditching him because of the charges, not going to happen!
I have written him letters about my concern with his drinking and he has shown a sincere desire to get help. I think he realizes the problems it's causing, and I've already told him this is more time and I'm gone.
--shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice, right?!

08-06-2010, 11:46 AM
i'll sign into yahoo when i get out of work later. i've been waiting for matt for over 3 years already and i don't know many people who don't think i'm crazy lol

08-06-2010, 11:50 AM
I work in law enforcement=

Nikki, I didn't say anything because I know it wouldn't make a difference, but this sort of stuck out at me because I also work in law enforcement.

Are you willing to sacrifice your career for a man who you've known for 5 months, and 5 years of YOUR life? Because there is a pretty decent chance that you will lose your job if you associate with a convicted felon. With good reason - access to NCIC and CPIC is dangerous enough, and the easiest way it is leaked is through the girlfriend that happens to work in the office. So red flags all around from your employers.

Since you are in this field, you know as well as I do that yes, it can happen that a drunk passes out in a stolen car without knowing. I'm not judging that part. We both know it happens - albeit very rare and one of the oldest lines in the book. What did your dad say to his story?

08-06-2010, 12:27 PM
Well, considering there is a witness that can back up his story and saw others driving as well as a police report that says the same thing, dad is pretty understanding. Dad has seen me date guys that steal from me, beat me, lie to me, cheat on me and from the get-go, didn't approve of any of them. The fact that he thinks so highly of this guy says a lot to me.
As far as the job thing, I'm going to wait to see what happens when he gets out. If he continues to drink, which I really don't think he will, then I won't have to worry about it because I will be done with him. If he proves to me that he really wants to make this work and is willing to put forth the effort it takes, then yes...if needbe, I'll switch jobs. I know 5 months isn't a long time, but we knew each other before then, we just started dating 5 months ago. We have lived together for several months and I know enough about him to know what I want.
I think that if my job can't trust me with my access to NCIC and such, whether I'm with a convicted felon or not, then they shouldn't have hired me. There is very strict rules in place in regards to the NCIC terminal and I follow every one to a T. He isn't facing any charges in the county that I work.
The fact of the matter is this, if it comes down to a job over a lifelong of love with someone that really cares about me, I'm going to take the love. I have other certifications and can make more money doing those if it came down to it. I'm just trying to make the best of a crappy situation and hope everything works out for the best.
Five years is a long time, but with the jails packed like they are, chances are he will only serve a fraction of that, if he is even convicted. Either way, 5 days, 5 months, 5 years or more...I'd rather wait to be with a guy that loves me for me and treats me great than spend one night dating a jerk!

08-06-2010, 12:43 PM
Well, the NCIC thing is nothing personal, it just makes sense that someone who is associating with a convicted felon should not have access to an NCIC database, because it's been shown many times to be a huge leak source.

Good luck with what you decide. I just wonder if having been treated so shabbily in the past makes you see only the good and not the bad (drinking problem, facing jail time).

08-06-2010, 12:48 PM
Yeah, I see the bad every day. I am doing my best to deal with it. It's definitely not an ideal situation to say the least, but I have definitely thought about all the bad, probably more than the good. It's just a personal choice, which most find stupid, but I really feel like there is something here worth fighting for. I have my support system...not all agree with it, but they know that whatever is meant to be will be and can see that what I'm needing now is support. I am hoping to use the time he is gone to work on myself. I have 200 pounds to lose plus a lot of other things I want to change. I'm taking it day by day and just trying to plug along through everything.

08-06-2010, 12:50 PM
Very true, day by day is really the best way to handle such a load of issues! good luck :hug:

08-06-2010, 12:50 PM
So wait, you work in law enforcement and you're dating someone who's in prison?

*brain fritz*

That doesn't make sense, lol. He also sounds like he has a drink problem and some rather unsavoury friends. Tread carefully. He could be more trouble than you think.

08-06-2010, 12:52 PM
He makes me feel beautiful even though I am fat and has made me want to become a better person.

There is no need to break up with him. But you do potentially have quite some time to work on YOU. You need to get to a point in your life where you feel beautiful no matter how fat or skinny you may be. You need to get to a point where YOU love yourself enough to want to be healthier and become a better person, not for someone else, but for yourself.

I was involved with someone as well who was locked up. He was wrongfully convicted and sentenced to 25 years. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. Through many ups and downs, victories and set backs, I did something foolish and wound up banned from visiting him in prison. So we were forced to break up. 2 years later, he was released. A jailhouse lawyer got him back in court and the DA agreed to either give him a new trial or let him plead and go with time served. Rather than gambling with another trial, he pleaded and got out. But that wasn't until he had already served 5 years.

He loved me more than any other man. We've had rocky on and off relationships over the course of the last 10 years. I have finally broke free from feeling that I needed to be with him based on how great he made me feel about myself and how much he loved me. The fact of the matter is I didn't love me. I went through Inner Healing last year with my church and God has restored me. My best recommendation is to seek the Lord with all of your heart mind and soul.

You have 1 year before your surgery, set a goal to lose 5 pounds per month. That will be 60 pounds! You will love yourself for it. And as you said, imagine his surprise to see you. If that is your motivation, go with it. But the ultimate goal needs to be that you are motivated to do it for YOU. Because you want to be different. Because you want to have energy. Because you want to feel good about yourself. There are many options out there, but it all starts with food. If your depression finds you eating, make it something healthy, gorge of fruits and vegetables. Clean out your fridge and pantry of junk and processed foods. Start walking 15 minutes a day. You'll be amazed at how much energy that alone will bring. Slowly increase as you build more momentum.

Best of luck and may God bless you abundantly!

08-06-2010, 01:04 PM
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I am doing this for me, and also for the fact that I someday, sooner than later, want to have children. I want to be healthy so that the pregnancy isn't so risky, as well as having the energy to keep up with little ones!! My brother just got married, they have a 2 year old and another one on the way! I want to be a fun aunt that can take the kids to the park, not the fat aunt that can't get up! I am completely doing this for me--but he gives me the motivation to keep going!
Thanks again for your kind words! Congratulations on your success thus far and best of luck in the future!!

08-16-2010, 01:48 AM
Oh, sweetie, cut him loose quick. He is using your good heart against you. Save it for a nice guy.