Depression and Weight IssuesHave you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!
I wasn't sure where to post this, so I chose here. I don't expect many people to read this. I just needed somewhere to let all of it out.
I'm not really sure how to control my emotions anymore. All I feel anymore is stressed, trapped, depressed, angry, and sad. A little background information will be needed for all of it to make sense.
First of all, I'm 19 years old, 20 in October, and I live with my 24 year old brother, and our parents. Both of my parents are in an extremely bad situation. Many years ago, both my mother and father were hurt on the job. To be exact, my father, 20 years ago, and my mother about 12 or 13 years ago. Both were left seriously injured and have been unable to go back to work since. Over the years, their conditions have gotten worse, and they've had more things added to their medical troubles. My dad has an awful back, with a few failed back surgeries, as well as chronic pain all over. My mom, the same except she also has really bad knees. Not only is she constantly hurting, but because of being unable to work, or even really move around well, she's gained a lot of weight which I'm pretty sure has contributed to make her pain worse.
I'm not really sure what to do. While I feel awful for them, and want to do whatever I can to help them, I can't help but feel stuck, and trapped, and glued here for life. My brother feels the same way. Not only do we feel as though we're going to feel craploads of guilt once we move out, we're not sure that's ever going to be able to happen. I'm working part-time, 20 hours or less a week, for 7.47 an hour. Every dime goes to the household. Whether it be food, or bills. Over the years, they've lost a decent bit of income, and before they knew it, they've fallen into a hole that they're never going to be able to climb themselves out of. So, all of my money goes to them, and when my brother had a job (he just recently got let go.) Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I can help, but I feel trapped. Because of this, I've never gotten my license, because I can't afford a car, or insurance. This has pretty much killed any chance at a decent social life. It's held me back from having any freedom of my own.
My parents have to be involved in every single part of my life. They need to know every single detail about where I am (which is either in my room, at work, or in the sunroom with my boyfriend, unless he and I go out.), what I'm doing, and IF i do spend anything, they have to know where every dime went. It's moreso my mom that needs to know all the details. She asks everytime I have my phone out, who I'm texting, who I'm talking to online. If I decide to go upstairs, I get "Well, why are you going upstairs?" Every single time. And if I happen to leave the room, and she doesn't notice, she asks my brother where I went, and if the laptop is next to the chair to see if I'm coming back down anytime soon. There are only 3 places in the house that I would go. To my room, to the sunporch to exercise, or to the bathroom to get a shower. She needs to know exactly what I'm doing even when I'm inside the house. If I decide to go to bed before like, 12, it's automatically, "why are you going to bed?" I try and spend time with them downstairs a lot. That's more than my brother can handle. But whenever I try to go somewhere, it's suddenly 20 questions.
There are times that I want to take my mom out for a girls day of window shopping, and maybe if I can I'll treat her to a movie. And then I realize she can't handle walking around. We'd get to one, maybe two stores, and then she's in pain. I hate knowing there's nothing I can do. I hate watching them in pain.
Today, it's the stupidest thing ever, but I was cleaning out my room. (I've completely let it go. It's awful.) So, I decided to start on it. I wound up with a bag of trash. I went downstairs to take it outside, and my mom asks, "What's in the bag?" I told her, trash. "Well what kind of trash?" and I said, what do you mean what kind of trash? it's trash. "You're not throwing away anything you shouldn't be, are you?" no. I think I know what trash is. It's dumb little things like that. All the time.
Don't get me wrong.... I feel for my parents, and I may sound ridiculous, but I just can't take it anymore. I know that my brother and I are all that they have, but at the same time, where is my privacy? When am I going to be able to start my own life? If my brother or I try to leave, we're going to feel guilty for leaving them, and taking the bit of money that we can contribute. All we're going to feel is guilt.
My boyfriend and I want to move in together in about 2 years. We don't plan on getting married until we're both done with school, which will be longer than 2 years. My parents tell me that it's not a good idea to move in with somebody until you're married. It's like I'm never going to get me out of here. They told my brother that they will do anything in their power to keep me from moving in with anyone until I'm married. They can't hold me hostage, but if I have no money saved up/I'm going to feel guilty about it, how am I possibly supposed to leave? And be happy.
As far as my money goes, I can't drive, so I can't get to the bank without one of my parents. Due to this, my dad holds onto my bank card, there's no need for me to have it. I ask, well what if I need money somewhere, I can get it out there. "No, because they charge a fee for that." So, I talked to them about getting a debit card. My mom said no, because I might spend some money. I mean, come on. It's just, overwhelming. I can't save money, get anything that I need without asking, or go anywhere without asking. I'm completely dependant on them, and I can't take it.
I guess what got me to write this rant is the fact that I found out today that a couple months ago, my mom went behind my back and asked my brother if there was any way that he could go in my computer, to get my passwords so she could go in my email account. He didn't give it to her, he told her I didn't store them, which I don't. That just pushed me over the edge. I know it was a couple of months ago, but how dare she do that? I can't even believe it. Will I say anything? No. I don't want my brother to get ripped a new rear, and I don't want to upset my mother. I can never say anything, and when I do, I'm told that I'm the child, so I'm wrong. They don't listen, and even if they make an attempt to, I'm automatically wrong. I tell them that I feel as though they're treating me like a child, and they say no. We're just caring and looking out for your well being.
We're going to have to move. Into something smaller that is one story instead of 2. The only good thing about living here is that I have a TINY bit of me time, because they don't really come upstairs. If we move into a one story mobile home, there goes any privacy. They won't let us put locks on our doors, and I have no doubt that (my mom at least) would walk in without knocking. I expressed the fact that if we moved into a one story, it'd be bad because I need my me space. I was asked why I need space to myself.
Don't get me wrong....I'm lucky, and happy to have caring parents, but isn't there a such thing as caring too much?
All of this is making my eating/exercising habits difficult to keep in tact. My brother/dad aren't interested in eating the way that I need to change to, to keep myself healthy. We only have enough money for one set of food, so guess what we buy? Unhealthy crap, with a salad, and some grilled chicken once in a while. As far as the exercising, it's a chore to get out of bed anymore, I can't seem to make myself get up and do it. It's easier to just sleep until I have to go to work, or until my boyfriend comes. Being with him is the only time that I'm happy, and that's about once a week. Lately he's been staying over (in a different room, on a different floor than me, of course.) so I get to see him a little more often.
Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with two of the women from work, and our old boss, and then Josh is coming in the afternoon, and for all of tomorrow, so I have that to look forward to.
I feel suffocated. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining, but I feel so trapped. If any of you read through this whole thing, what can I do to calm myself down? I'm going crazy....I need to stay sane.
I was always depressed from the time I was about 13, because of my weight, and watching my parents suffer, and over the years, it's just gotten worse.
lostinstaticx So sorry to hear that you feel trapped. Do you have any other family members that you can talk to? Aunts, uncles, grandparents? A close family friend or your boyfriends parents?
Also, check into getting a therapist. Many will charge you on a sliding scale based on your income.
To feel a bit of freedom/control of your life...
Get direct deposit. Most jobs offer it and actually prefer that their employees take advantage of it. That eliminates depending on your dad to take you to the bank.
Cancel your existing bankcard and order a new one. Have it sent to another family member or get a PO Box. Also, most banks offer online statements to eliminate having paper statements sent to your home.
Once you feel strong enough and have support (family member or friend) sit down and have a conversation with your parents.
Also, sit down and make a plan.Where would you like to be in 5 years? If you don't journal, I would suggest that you get one. Start writing out your feelings, instead turning to food. It will help you feel better. Write your short term goals and long term goals.
This is a time in your life that you should be having fun and enjoying life. I am sure your parents want the best for you and your brother, in their pain they have just lost sight of you you 2 growing up and turning into adults.
I hope this helps some and I know it must be hard right now. Have faith things will work out and it will be ok.
Take care!
Last edited by onegroovychick; 07-30-2010 at 02:02 AM.
onegroovychick- Thank you for responding. We don't really have any other family members to talk with. We're unlucky to have kind of crappy relatives, unfortunately. I talk to my boyfriend, and a couple close friends about it, and they tell me that things will get better.
I do have direct deposit right now. However, all I have is a bank card. It's not a debit card, so I can only go to the bank to get money out. That's where my dad driving me comes in. I don't really have anybody to have things sent to, and things wouldn't go over well once my parents realize there's no money coming into my bank account. I need to do this without creating any ill feelings between us, because I don't want that.
My boyfriend says once we're ready to move in together, (we'll be "officially" engaged then) that he'll sit down with me to talk to them. At that point, they'll see that something is really happening, and they're going to have to go with it. It's all just a mess right now. I need to spend a little time thinking about it to decide what I have to do. And how.
As a parent of 3 kids my goal was to make my kids independant. While I can see that your parents are in need, your needs are just as important. You have to live your own life. Do you have any friends you could move in with while you complete school? Could you and your brother get your own place? (and check on your parents a few times a week?) A kid your age should be having fun while concentrating on an education for the future. It sounds like your parents are living their lives through you. It's a sad situation for everyone, but you need to be healthy physically and mentally to be able to take care of your own children when they come along. The future is closer than you think.
Contact social services in your area. They can help you by providing caregivers to come in and help your parents so you can get out of this situation. Get some counseling. If they won't go, you and your brother should to relieve you of the guilt. There are counselors who work on a sliding fee schedule so it won't cost hardly anything. SS can probably give you a list. If they have gotten themselves in debt over their heads, they should really file for bankruptcy and not expect you and your brother to pay it.
Your parents are trying to control your life. That is not healthy. That is not love. That is selfish.
You need to get out. Now. There will never be a "good" time to take action.
Go get your driver's license. Now. Even if you can't afford a car.
Your job is not to live your life for your parents. Love them and support them (emotionally), of course. But you and your brother are both old enough to be on your own.
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. And I'm sure its not condusive to help with your weight loss. Beginme is right....You need to get out. You need to put yourself first. Have you tried talking to your parents or given them an ultimatum? Without YOUR money coming in to support THEM, they just might behave differently. It is not up to your parents to control your bank account or your life. And, as far as marriage before living together, I may be too modern in my thinking, but with the rate of divorce these days, I think its better to move in together first and make sure you can live together. Divorce is very expensive. But, I would also make sure that you are moving in together for the right reasons. He sounds like a good guy to be willing to put up with your family and their demands, especially if he is willing to sit down and talk to them after you move in together. But seriously, it is always better to get it out now, rather than harbor years of resentment towards your parents. It may hurt their feelings some (they sound controlling and very selfish), but why should you live with theses feelings. if you hold all of this is, the therapy will cost you in the long run a lot more than hurt feelings. Please do something, now. You never know, they might even become a little enlightened to your plight.......Keep us posted, and keep up the hard work! Getting your education and your health in line are two of the best things you can do for yourself. Kudos to you!
I'm guessing that I have a lot more insight into your situation than anybody else that's responded so far. I'm 34 years old and, for the last 10 years, I have been the primary breadwinner in my household. My mother lost her job last year and I've been completely supporting her. Me and my mother are VERY close and have a great relationship, so I'm not in your shoes when it comes to that...but I do understand the financial part of it. I also understand the guilt part of it. I have a friend who lives in Boston and she recently asked me to come live w/ her. We would share a condo and my part of the rent and utilities would only be $400 per month (less than half of what I pay now for our mortgage). I would LOVE to live in Boston and I would love to have a place of my own, but unfortunately I know that my mom would not be able to afford a place to live on her own. How could I possibly move away and go on w/ my life knowing that my mom wouldn't be able to afford a roof over her head??? I love my mom w/ all my heart...but I can't help but wish circumstances were different and I could move out on my own. At least we get along, though.
I teach HS in an area about an hour away from where I live. The town is rural and considered economically disadvantaged. This is pretty common story. Many of my students come to me with some variation of it. My advice to them is to get out of the small town- even if for a short time. Live a new life for a while and you can always go back if you want.
You seem intelligent and well-written, so at minimum you should appeal to their sense of looking towards your well-being, including a good education. It seems like you are in college if you are saying you have 2 more years of school. If not, I would suggest you enroll. Do what you can to be on your own more, while still living at home until you can afford not to. 19 is not that old, so you have plenty of time. Take a breath...
Open up your own bank account and have your checks deposited there. You should be the only one with access to the money, not your parents, not your boyfriend- you. You can take permit test even if you don't take your driver's test. If you can work more hours or at a different job, save up X amount of dollars a week and don't touch it. BOrrow a car if you want to take the test, though!
Take $20, 30 a week and buy yourself food you need and will eat. If you spend your money on it, it will be more valuable and you will not let it get wasted or spoil. If you are worried about the money, buy a gift card to the grocery store of your choice every week and go ahead and shop every other day or so. You can plan out meals---not sure what kind of plan you are on.
Go to meetup.com and see if there are any group activities in your area. I love it and it puts you in groups with people who think and feel like you.
Get out of the house by exercising in other places. Go to a park, take a walk around town, map out whatever miles you want to go. Go walk at night with your boyfriend. Tell your parents you don't feel good about some stuff and you are going to change some things you are doing; don't ask, tell them.
If they got hurt at work, do they get money from somewhere? I don't mean to be rude, but I see it all the time and it bothers me to death when parents have their kids work and bring money in for them. You can certainly help, but it is not your job to pay their bills. Don't let them guilt you into it anymore. You are allowed to have a life. Your life doesn't mean you don't feel empathy. But, don't let them play on your sympathy to make you do everything for them. Who buys the gas for dad's car? Whose money buys the food?
Hate me for saying it, but I don't care either way if people move in together before marriage, but I would hate to see you do it as a means of escaping one place....and be stuck in another. Get a license, a degree, experience, get out of your setting before you make set plans.
Is it possible to apply for student loans? If you are bringing the money in, what can they really do to keep you there despite their hope you stay forever. It sounds like mom wants to live through you. I don't know the money situation, but see maybe if you can do some free or cheap stuff with mom, maybe Weight Watchers together, maybe just walking at night around your block.
I can imagine it is tough, but you have another 80 years to get ready for. Go into your 20s with a good outlook. You want to lose weight and gain some freedom, but I think they are intertwined. The more you lose the better you will feel and the more you can get out and exercise. It's a circle. Ge those endorphins going and you will feel great. I have 10 years on you, but if I can help, even if you need to e-mail someone every day, just let me know!
Write a post about the good stuff you can do and the good things you can make happen. Try not to dwell on the things you want to change as much.
Everything sidrah just said (is that your real name, by the way??? I love the name Sidrah!!!) is dead on...you should listen to her b/c she appears to be a very smart woman. OH geez...I hope she is a she and not a he or I just stuck my foot in my mouth, LOL
Not my real name, but I needed a name for a board somewhere and it came to me when I was watching Seinfeld one night- the one with Teri Hatcher. It was her character's name.
I have not been in your situation so I cannot speak from experience. It sounds to me like you need to get out--however you can. You are young, obviously bright, and seem to have a decent head on your shoulders. Now is the time for you to SWIM--not be pulled under!!!
Is there anyone you can go talk to about this? Are you involved in a church or is there another respected family member that can help you come to a viable conclusion to all this. You really must move on with your life. It doesn't mean negating your responsiblities as a daughter but right now you are negating your responsibility to YOURSELF.
I'm not in your situation, but my fiancé is. His mother doesn't really like the fact that he's growing up and he's becoming a young man so she tries very hard to keep him at 13. It drives me nutso. He can't tell her things without her getting worked up.
My best advice is to stand up for yourself.
You're legally an adult which means you should be able to do things without your parents' permission. I'm not saying be disrespectful to them. Just let them know that you DO have your own life to start thinking about now. Will you still help them? Why yes (if you chose, which from the sounds of it, I'm assuming it's a yes). But you're not 13 anymore and you're ready to start your own life with your boyfriend.
I know how stressful it is to have parents not approve of your life. His mother doesn't approve of anything me and my fiancé do but it's getting to the point where he's starting to let her know slowly that he has his own life. He still loves her with all his heart but he's not a kid anymore.
I really do hope you take sidrah's advice. Love isn't suppose to hurt and it sounds like they're hurting you a lot emotionally right now. And I think you're just too kind-hearted to say anything to your parents.
There's no shame in living with someone before marriage. It lets you get to know the person before you truly commit to them. That's why me and my fiancé are waiting a year after moving in together to get married.
I hope things get better for you and that you hope you find your answer.
Sorry for dredging up an older thread here....but I'm floored by your story, lostinstaticx. Plus...it has really hit home to me that we can so often see ourselves as hopelessly trapped when it isn't really true....it's just how we see it.
Let me also add that I agree completely with what sidrah wrote here.
I can only go by the facts you've written here but it sounds like your parents don't have a whole lot in the way of leverage. When it comes to power struggles, it all boils down to who holds the most cards.....and it sounds like you hold most of them. But somehow they've managed to make you feel like they hold most of them.
You are not dependent on them for money. You are not totally dependent on them for a roof over your head if your boyfriend wants you to move in together. So what leverage do they have to prevent you from doing what you'd rather do? It sounds like if anything, they are dependent on YOU.
So.....is it guilt? Do you feel guilty for leaving them?
It sounds like your family has no healthy sense of boundaries. Your mother's intrusiveness would be too much even if you were 10 years old, never mind 19. She is WAY out of line now that you are 19.
Let me also just throw in there.....it sounds like due to the specific medical situations your parents have, it is highly likely that they are also dependent on pain-killers and possibly muscle relaxers, sedatives, etc. That in itself can cause all sorts of inappropriate behavior and thinking. Believe me, I was an RN for many years and have seen this happen a million times.
And this thing about not being old enough to live with your boyfriend? Not only out-dated but patently ridiculous. Being responsible for your grown parents is more acceptable? THEIR lifestyle and choices are healthier? In fact, I think that moving in with your boyfriend, considering the circumstances, would be the healthiest thing you could do at this point. The parents are well on their way to taking all of your independence away from you.....banking acct/card, driving, etc......and doing it for their own self interest only, believe me. The only person who is going to save you from this and put you in a healthier place....so you can have a good life...is you.
I know they're your parents and that you love them....and that the thought of leaving them makes you feel guilty. But to be honest.....you are actually doing them no favors and are instead, enabling them. You'd most likely be doing them a favor, in the long-term, by forcing them to have to take care of things themselves and having them learn to rely on themselves and to make better decisions about how they live their own lives. You are unintentionally encouraging them to rely on you.....not healthy.
Look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am no longer a child. I need to live my own life. Time to leave the nest."
It would be completely different if they were elderly and unable to care for themselves. We have no LEGAL obligation to care for our parents but IMO, we do have a moral obligation......but that's for when they become too old to care for themselves.....not the situation with your parents. The situation you are in is not healthy, not good for you and not fair to you. Save yourself....pleeeease. You are NOT trapped....only in your own mind. Your parents are making you feel like you're trapped (and a dependent child) but the reality is that you are not. THEY are more trapped than you are and even THEY are not quite as trapped as they prefer to be. Do them and yourself a favor.....and force them to have to start relying on themselves to get themselves out of their own self-imposed traps.
Deanna's post (above) is excellent and says most of what I want to say and she did it in a much nicer way than I would have!
I could write as post as long as your's to try to explain but I will simply say that your parents are toxic. There is nothing you can do the change them. You are in a situation that is endangering your physical and emotional safety. and I would encourage you to save yourself by getting out of that house ASAP.
But please don't move in with your BF just to escape!
Maybe you can find a room to rent with some other girls?
Rant....Warning...Extremely long.
I talk to my boyfriend, and a couple close friends about it, and they tell me that things will get better.
