Weight Loss Support - My boyfriend hates my weight loss!




bellona
07-22-2010, 10:09 PM
Ok, first off this is going to be a long rant, so sorry in advance. Secondly, I honestly never thought I'd be making a post like this, especially at 152 lbs.

I started dating my boyfriend while I was at my high weight. I was still relatively active, so I wasn't all that out of shape, but I had gained a ton of weight in graduate school and was in a size 12/14 at almost 200 lbs. We have known each other since high school, so he obviously knew what I looked like thin back then (130 lbs).

Anyway, a few months after we started seeing each other I began to take weight loss seriously. I had been working out and seeing slow results, but I tweaked my diet, and in a few months I was down at 160 lbs. My boyfriend never seemed to really notice or care about the weight loss, and we don't really eat around each other much. He works nights, I work days, he never pays attention to what I eat at bbqs and family functions, and we rarely ever eat at restaurants because we live in a very rural area. So basically I was seeing him in the evenings way after dinner and on weekends, where I always have let myself cheat a bit.

He had always complemented me on how "hot" and attractive I was. He could never keep his hands off of me! Right around the time I hit 160 pounds, it's like something clicked in his brain, he noticed the weight loss, and got turned off! We aren't "intimate" (ahem, lol) as often and I feel like I'm always the one initiating it. He doesn't seem as into it, either, and hasn't made any comments about me being sexy or hot since about 10 lbs ago. But that's not the worst of it! The other night he put his head on my stomach and said ewww, you're bony and rolled over on his side away from me. He has also started trying to push food on me constantly, one time even saying "you're going to waste away, just eat some pizza!" He's made an effort to stock ALL my favorite foods and drinks in his house, which he never did before. Cool ranch doritos, my favorite kinds of beer, pop, and liquor, pizza, cupcakes, etc.

I can see him taking issue if I was already at a low weight, but I am NOT that thin at all. At 5'7" and 152, I'm a size 8 in pants (6 in dresses) and still wear a 34D bra. I think I have a medium frame, and my ribs/collarbones seem to stand out first, but I mean I'm up there at the higher end of "normal" weight for my height. There's no way I'm "too skinny." I can see the 20 lbs I need to lose still, and they aren't necessarily vanity pounds.

My boyfriend is naturally thin and doesn't have to watch what he eats. I feel kind of bad, like I did a "bait and switch" by dating him as one girl and then all of the sudden morphing into a new person. My skin has also gotten much better and my hair has grown out from a bad haircut last september, so I have been feeling pretty good these days. It seems the more confident and attractive I feel, the more it is turning him off from me! I am really sad about this. I noticed him checking out other girls more, and they're usually blonde girls, like me, who have a similar body shape to me when I'm around 170/180. He also went to a wedding without me, and I heard from his brother that he was dancing with this other girl who looks like that! I never really thought that he was attracted to that kind of shape, because he rides motocross and is around TONS of thin, attractive promotional models and fans at races every weekend, which was part of the reason I got serious about my weight loss. I was afraid he would run off with one of them...but come to think of it he never really seems interested!

I'd be willing to stop at 140-145 and maintain there, but I do not want to be over 150, and honestly, I'd rather be at the 128 goal I set for myself in the beginning. My mom told me she doesn't think it's a problem with my "weight" but a problem with how "lean" I am looking. She said my collarbones are quite prominent and that I look kind of muscular (as if that's a bad thing? WTF!) When I'm not overweight, I actually have a mesomorphic body that's not skinny but muscular. I have really been making an effort with p90x and weight training, and I'm actually STARTING to be happy with my body for the first time in a long time. I love my boyfriend, but I don't want to give up what I want just because he has some weird "type"? Anything over 155 basically just looks and feels overweight on my frame, and always has. And he used to have a crush on me back when I was 130 lbs anyway! I'm so confused. Nothing else has changed in our relationship at all, either.

I just needed to vent I guess. But any advice would be greatly appreciated! Anyone else ever have a problem like this? What do you think it could be? Is it actually the physical attraction or is it something else? :?:


Cglasscock1
07-22-2010, 10:30 PM
I didn't see that you asked him what it going on with his odd reaction and actions. Communication is key in any relationship. If he is already playing game such as stocking up on junk food and checking out heavier girls, he is letting his actions talk for him. Sit him down and make him tell you his feelings. Is he fearful of you getting too skinny? Does he have a definite preference to big girls?(some men do). Is he simply thinking that you will look so great that he will face competition from other men? He must be honest with you because there really is a lot at stake. If you can't count on him to support you in your most important goals, now and in the future, how are you going to be happy in this relationship? I would find it near impossible to mold myself into something someone else has in mind. I imagine it is the same with you.

GoldenLeaf
07-22-2010, 10:36 PM
My boyfriend is attracted to a shape I can never and will never be. But he's with me so he just has to deal with that :lol:

He's attracted to girls who have "meat", but aren't fat. They're kind of... rounded? Not overweight. And not just "curvy", I mean they're soft and well covered all over, there are no bony parts even if they're quite slim.

It's kind of hard to explain without pictures.

Anyways when I'm in my healthy weight range [as I was for most of my life including the former half of my relationship with my bf], I'm not like that. When I'm not fat, I'm skinny, if that makes sense. Bony collarbones, bony ribs, bony elbows, bony bony bony. I'm pear shaped, I've always been hippy, but I'm still skinny. I have hips but they're bony hips. :lol:

Anyways I kind of know what you mean... it can be hard to not be the "type" that your boyfriend is naturally attracted to but obviously he fell in love with you as are as a person. I mean the girl my boyfriend was with before me was "his type" but she turned out to be a psycho and I know he'd much rather be with me and my bones than a softly padded girl with serious manipulation issues.

IF you're happy with your size that you want to be then don't let him get in your way... he'll either adjust and appreciate your new found health and confidence or he won't, and that's his problem. [sorry if that sounds harsh, but he needs to accept you as you are... you shouldn't have to be a weight you don't WANT to be just because he wants you that way... if you were happy to be that size then great but you're not so don't!] He might just be going through a phase of adjustment, adjusting to the "new you". He saw you as one size and now he's seeing you as this different size with great hair! Maybe he just needs a little time?


ETA: Yes I agree... do make sure you actually talk to him about this. Talking to my boyfriend is how I know that he still loves me and is still attracted to me even though I'm not "His Type". And that he'd still rather be with me anyway!


jenlag
07-22-2010, 10:38 PM
If he truly loves you, then the size of your body should not be an issue.

My daughter's father always dated bigger girls. We haven't been together in a few years and have a decently casual relationship, we try our best to coparent. Anyway, the other evening he was at my house visiting and he was going meet a girl, so I started inquiring. I asked if she was fat. He said, "she sure is!" I asked why he likes fat girls and his response was that they feel better, they kiss better and they look better.

So it could very well be that he is interested in a 'certain body type'. But the reality is you probably aren't in it for casual dating and have a goal of growing together and looking towards marriage. You definitely need to communicate to make sure you don't waste time with him.

Serendipity
07-23-2010, 12:31 AM
People are attracted to who they're attracted to -- if he finds bigger women attractive, there's nothing wrong with it (it's not "weird") but it can be a problem if he finds himself turned off because you're not bigger anymore. I think this is where the difference between love and attraction tends to show itself. As another poster said, if he loves you, size shouldn't make a difference in that love. However, if he's not attracted to you physically because you've lost weight, it may be hard for both of you to have a relationship. He may be feeling insecure because he's not feeling things the way he used to, you sound as if you're feeling insecure as well. Talk to the boy, find out what's going on. ;)

souvenirdarling
07-23-2010, 06:43 AM
Hmmm. Could it be an inferiority complex?

I really think that MY bf, who has always been tall and slim, always dated heavy women. I definitely did think they were/are beautiful. I also know that there's this HUGE range of women he thinks are "out of his league", and I was disappointed to hear that immense lack of confidence.

No belly is ever boney. Maybe he's feeling insecure that, because you've lost weight, you'll look for someone else.

tinycities
07-23-2010, 07:45 AM
I just wanted to post to say that I think you seem really self-aware and seem to be making really healthy, sensible and positive decisions about your weight, so good on you! It's so nice and uplifting to see people saying that they are starting to feel happy in their own skin, so you should keep that attitude, because it's really great.

I'd also just like to echo what the comments above said about talking with your boyfriend, if you haven't already. As others have said, there's a huge load of reasons why your boyfriend may be responding in the way he is. It could be that he genuinely finds you more attractive at a larger weight, it could be that he's worried about you becoming more attractive to other men if you are slimmer, it could be that he's (perhaps irrationally) worried that you'll lose a lot of weight and it won't be healthy, it could be that he likes being "the thin one" in your relationship, it could be just an adjustment thing in that he's not used to your new appearance. Having said all that, without talking to him, all you can do is speculate, which I don't think is that helpful. It's a tricky issue, because I think something like health and weight can be difficult to compromise over, but I think at the very least, it would be so helpful to actually have a really open, frank conversation about everything you've mentioned in this post, and take it from there.

With regards to your goals, I'm the same height as you, and although I'm quite a bit heavier at the moment, it sounds like we have similar body type (e.g., quite prominent collar bones, etc.). I can totally understand you wanting to go beyond 150lbs with your weight loss, as you've said, it's towards the upper end of the "healthy weight" range, and I think you could go quite below that, if it was what you wanted to do, without being remotely unhealthy or scrawny looking! I'm aiming for about 150lbs at the moment, but I'll probably adjust that down a bit once I get there and see how my body is at that stage.

Wishing you all the best with this one, I hope you manage to figure things out together!

JayEll
07-23-2010, 07:57 AM
Other people act the way they do for all kinds of reasons, some of them known and some of them not known. His sudden lack of interest could be for any number of reasons having nothing to do with your weight--but that's an easy thing to point to.

So what are you going to do? I'd tell him that he has to understand that you aren't going to get fat again just to please him. Definitely talk to him and see if you can find out what else is going on. I don't know you or your boyfriend at all, obviously, but when a guy suddenly has no interest in sex, there could be someone else... I'm just sayin'. And then he'll try to put it on you.

Consider that if the relationship is going to end because you lost 50 pounds, it wasn't much of a relationship to start with. Find out what's really going on.

Jay

Lori Bell
07-23-2010, 10:09 AM
Other people act the way they do for all kinds of reasons, some of them known and some of them not known. His sudden lack of interest could be for any number of reasons having nothing to do with your weight--but that's an easy thing to point to.

So what are you going to do? I'd tell him that he has to understand that you aren't going to get fat again just to please him. Definitely talk to him and see if you can find out what else is going on. I don't know you or your boyfriend at all, obviously, but when a guy suddenly has no interest in sex, there could be someone else... I'm just sayin'. And then he'll try to put it on you.

Consider that if the relationship is going to end because you lost 50 pounds, it wasn't much of a relationship to start with. Find out what's really going on.

Jay

I was going to say the SAME thing. Most guys really like sex, and if they are not interested in doing it with you much anymore, it could be they are worn out from doing it with someone else. (like the chick at the wedding he was dancing with?) It sounds like he is setting you up for his excuse..."It's your fault because you lost weight..." That's how lots of men operate.

Of course you'll never know unless you ask him! Hang in there...

stargzr
07-23-2010, 11:07 AM
I think the best thing to do would be to sit down with him and ask him straight out. You have to think long-term too... if you're not happy with yourself just so he can be, that's not fair to you. Be YOU and you'll find out if he's the right guy or not.

OnaMi
07-23-2010, 11:40 AM
Be you Bella,do what makes you happy.If he loves you for you then he would be happy that you're trying to improve your health and looks.
Like others have said,usually it's another women when men are turned off and try and find some excuse to end the rerationship.
Have a heart to heart talk w/him.

SpoonSockSpork12
07-23-2010, 12:05 PM
I don't know you or your boyfriend at all, obviously, but when a guy suddenly has no interest in sex, there could be someone else... I'm just sayin'. And then he'll try to put it on you.

That's what I came here to post. And seconding also Lori Bell about how he could be setting you up to prepare you for the other woman and blame it on you.

Sorry to be so negative, I know this is why it's difficult venting to strangers, we make assumptions about you and yours that might not be true. But then again, strangers might be able to see what you don't want to. :rolleyes:

ennay
07-23-2010, 12:25 PM
Don't adjust your weight loss goal to please him. The thing about changing your dreams to please someone else is that both of you end up unhappy. Either he loves you or he doesnt.

Regardless of whether he has already cheated or not, the fact that you are finding out from others that he is at least flirting with other women is not a good sign. Men who stay faithful long term don't dabble in 'not-quite-cheating-yet' early on.

Philigirl
07-23-2010, 12:27 PM
Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, spouse or whoever should not be a source of insecurity for you. I have alopecia, sciatica, gained 44lbs over the last 3 years and my boyfriend did not meet me with all these issues; still he loves me to pieces. He supports me through everything and not just with lip service. If your guy acts this way when you lose weight, how will he act in tough times?

Gold32
07-23-2010, 01:36 PM
I was going to chime in with the self-confidence thing, but these chicks have a point about "the other woman" setup. Either way, my first reaction to your post was, "F-him." Seriously, these extremely common stories about unsupportive or sabotaging SO's has made me pretty mad and I'm over it. You feel better, look better, and are healthier. Why wouldn't someone who loves you support that?!

I'll have to agree that communication is key. Hopefully it's something you can work out. Some times we all need a little poke to remind us how we're acting/should be acting.

bellona
07-23-2010, 01:40 PM
I forgot to say that if this is in the wrong place, feel free to move it. I wasn't quite sure where it belonged on the boards! Oh, and I wasn't really trying to imply that liking bigger women was "weird." I've seen many beautiful women at all weights and sizes that I would be attracted to if I were a man! It's just that I don't want to have to conform to something for someone else.

Thank you, everyone. I don't mind the ones who said they are being blunt or negative, it's good to hear the point of view from someone who is not at all invested or involved. I try to get advice from my friends, but they know him, know me, and obviously don't want to hurt my feelings, so I wasn't really getting anything accomplished.

I know I definitely need to talk with him. I'm not sure how to do that without being accusatory (you're cheating! you like bigger girls! you're not supportive!) but I'll figure something out. I mean obviously there's always the possibility of cheating, and if that's what is going on then I'm out of there, haha. He does have a bit of a low self esteem and has actually been working a lot of overtime 12 hrs a day 7 days a week to pay for of his expensive "toys", so that could be contributing to the falling asleep and snoring in my face rather than having sex.

But, I thought about the situation, and I think it's less about the weight loss and more about the fact that I'm spending more time on myself for once. I realized that we always go to HIS races, eat what HE wants, and I schedule all our plans around HIS work, social, and family schedule, not mine. He even texts me while he's at work when he knows it's the only time I get to myself all day, and then acts hurt if I don't answer. I obviously didn't notice this much when I was heavier, because I would go home, take a quick 20 min walk then sit down and basically study or sit on the computer and eat junk all night during the weekdays. On the weekends, I would go see him race, which means I'd have to get up at 8 am on saturday and sit around all day watching him, then go to the bar and drink with him and his friends (drinking like a man really makes me gain weight, lol!). But now I work out 1-2 hrs, go to the grocery store, make dinner, prepare lunch for the next day, and try to do something relaxing or enjoyable for myself, all before bed time. On the weekends I'd rather go out dancing or shoe shopping or to yoga class than sit at a race or go with his buddies and eat bar food and pound beer. He has been complaining about my following a skin care regimen before bed, too, saying I spend too much time "looking in the mirror" before bed. It only takes me about 10-15 mins to put on some lotion, put my hair in a braid or bun, and brush my teeth! Basically, my attitude toward myself has changed, so I take up more time for myself. He's either going to have to deal with it or move on, I guess! I don't mean to sound selfish, but I'm sick of doing everything that he wants. He's used to getting his way because he's been single for years and years (probably 6? since his last girlfriend when he was 23) and lived with his parents until last year so he could afford all the "stuff" he wants. I guess I'll find out how much he really wants to be with me. Better to find out now rather than later!


When I gained weight, I was in another relationship like this, and it just made me gain MORE weight by never being able to take time for myself. I hated who I was then. I'm not doing it again. I didn't really expect weight loss to bring about all sorts of emotional and relationship issues, but I guess how we feel about ourselves makes a huge difference on how we relate to others and present ourselves to the world.

Thanks again everyone, your responses helped SO MUCH! And now I know I'm not crazy for not thinking I'm too thin :) And yes, in the words of Gold32, F-him and any other unsupportive or selfish SO!

Violin Jenn
07-23-2010, 01:41 PM
I agree with what's already been said, so no need for me to repeat it. But I do very strongly agree that you should talk to him and not adjust your goals for some guy. As long as you are healthy (and you doctor is okay with how much you want to lose.), that to me is paramount.

But hang in there. :hug:

Mickeypnd
07-23-2010, 01:54 PM
I was going to give you a long post, but these ladies here about covered it, so I just want to give you a hug!

:hug:

EveLHaelf
07-23-2010, 04:00 PM
Let me just start off with a :hug:!

You have such an amazing attitude about this whole situation and I admire your willingness to stick to your goals and not conform when someone else is trying to stock doritos and cupcakes around you. I agree with a lot of what's been said and i just want to second that a relationship should never be a source of insecurity. (I'm working on this in my marriage right now)

I agree that communication is key in this situation. I know when I don't talk to my hubby right away, my mind always goes right to the most negative thing I can think of and then I'm a wreck until I get the chance to talk to him. You said that you weren't sure how to bring up some things without sounding accusatory. Well in the example of the wedding I would say something like "Honey, your support is very important to me especially while I am trying to make myself healthier and happier with my appearance. I have been worried that you are struggling with my changing body And when I hear from someone else that you were dancing with another woman that really worries me and brings up questions of infidelity in my mind. I want to know what's been going on in your mind and what your feelings are on this issue...etc"

Explain to him that it's important for both of you to be open and honest with eachother and to nip this in the bud asap before time gets wasted or things get worse.

Anyway, hopefully that helped a little.

jenlag
07-23-2010, 05:31 PM
I LOVE ME!! And I LOVE singlism!! Me, me me me!! YaY me! I'm paying more attention to ME! I'm not giving my everything to everyone else, especially a needy man! We alll deserve to give ourself more time.

Status: Single and unavailable!

caryesings
07-23-2010, 05:36 PM
Bellona, I think you have the perfect attitude to figure this out. Go girl!

SheGos91
07-23-2010, 05:42 PM
I hate to say if he truly loves you he would love you at any healthy size because I don't know your relationship. But I would say just stick to your goals and keep what you want for yourself first. After hitting your goal weight go buy some sexy lingerie and see what he has to say about that :lol:

Gold32
07-23-2010, 06:43 PM
Bellona, you are changing, and when you change, it effects everything. He's adjusting. Help him adjust so that you both come out of it better off. For what it's worth, I don't think you're doing anything overly selfish. Relationships are always a balance. Hopefully it all works out. :)

Renwomin
07-23-2010, 10:00 PM
You've gotten some great advice so far and you are doing wonderfully figuring things out. I just wanted to throw two or three cents in.

First, A lot of men really like curvy women. Not fat, but curvy. Boobs, butt, thighs. Because the media/hollywood ideal is stick women I think that we tend to forget this. It is scientifically proven (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1253439/Curvy-women-activate-reward-centre-mens-brains.html) that males respond more to a high hip to waist ratio. It biologically turns them on. So if he likes you curvier then he is being a normal male.

My boyfriend also like curvy women. He thinks I am gorgeous at my weight. (Heck, he swears I was attractive at my highest weight, but I certainly didn't feel that way!) It definitely doesn't have a "fat fetish" though there is a definite limit for him. He really doesn't want me to lose too much weight and honestly neither do I! I love my curves! I'm still wondering if my goal weight/size isn't going to be his ideal, but we will cross that bridge if I ever get there! That all being said, if I became really thin he would still love me and support me. He isn't with me just because of my body.

I really hope you can work things out with your bf. But in any case I truly wish and pray for you to be in a relationship with someone that loves and supports your positive changes. In a healthy relationship, the happier and more confident you are the happier your love will be! The weight loss is something you have control over, but I just wonder how the relationship would be if something out of control happened? Would he support you if you got a disease or health disorder that changed your body out of what he considers his ideal?

Onederchic
07-23-2010, 10:02 PM
Just wanted to give ya a big :hug:

jendiet
07-24-2010, 02:01 AM
my SO is also in love with my curves. He is always "squishing, jiggling, bouncing"

we also dated when I was a bit smaller, but still had curves. He calls thin women "anorexic" He is not interested in a woman with alot of bony parts either.

I am pretty sure if i lost too much weight/ fat/ curves--he would be turned off. He also doesn't have to do a thing to keep the weight off, he's muscular and very nicely built.

I tell him all the time, honey my boobs are going to get a little smaller and so is my butt and tummy. I prepare him for it.

I see another situation going on here. Your bf is getting a different you in more ways than one. Love is about sacrifice and respect. You used to alot more for him it seems, and NOW yes it is good you are doing alot more for yourself. But it needs to be balanced with you doing stuff for him and him doing stuff for you.

Men NEED to feel appreciated, if NOT doted on. That is the biggest reason why they cheat. They don't feel appreciated or they feel unwanted or unrespected.

so if this other women is doting on him, while you are always busy with your things, he most likely is going to go for the other woman.

To be fair, you ARE completely different from what you said. He is looking for the you HE KNEW in the other woman. Show him you are still you. And if you want to save the relationship that you still love him.And take some time to make him feel special again, and you won't have to worry about the other woman, because he will see that YOU are still the you he loves, but you are just getting a little smaller that is all.