Weight Loss Support - Which is better motivation- insults or compliments?




blonie123
07-22-2010, 04:16 AM
I am just curious about something.
I have read lots of weight loss stories, and I have seen a lot of them saying it was a negative comment, a bad picture, or something like that which inspired them to lose weight. Of course, I have also heard stories that they wanted to be healthier, stronger, etc.
But, what I am wondering is which is a stronger motivation?

A while back my aunt said that she wishes my uncle would insult her or tell her she needs to lose weight. She says that would be much more motivating to her than when he tells her she is pretty and he likes how she looks no matter what she weighs.

What motivated you to lose weight? Was it a healthy reason for losing? I know this may be pretty personal for someone to answer. I am not going to lie- sometimes I find myself saying negative things to try to encourage myself. I know I should be saying empowering things, but instead I find myself doing not so good things like imagining my husband being attracted to a thin woman and him wishing I looked like that. I know it's not healthy, but it does work- I have no desire to eat after that.

Anyone else guilty of this or am I just crazy? I am really kind of embarrassed to admit that I do that. I have never told anyone that before.


asharksrevenge
07-22-2010, 04:29 AM
Hmm, interesting question. I am curious to see how people respond to this.

For me, compliments and positive thinking are the way to go. I am not at all motivated by insults, either coming from myself or others. I am a competitive person, but not in a negative way where I feel the need to one-up someone or get a better angle at a (boyfriend, husband, job, cute dress) by tearing myself down or allowing others to do it for me.

I started this process because I didn't like how I looked or felt and I wanted to feel and look better. I didn't have a "rock bottom" experience because I had nothing but those experiences for years. My whole life was rock bottom. So I decided to turn it around. I've done major, drastic renovations of my body and mind before and I'll do it again before I die. This weight loss process can be challenging, but it's not even close to the hardest thing I've ever done, and I try to take it in stride. But I need to hear positives from myself and others. Compliments, friendly faces and kind words invigorate me, and though I sympathize with people who berate themselves (I've been there too), I figure there are so many people out there in the world who would love to bring you down, why do it to yourself? Even if it is a temporary motivational tool, what purpose does it serve?

Just my two cents :)

bonnnie
07-22-2010, 04:44 AM
What is really interesting about your post is that YOU are the one that is actually creating the insults - about yourself. You are not getting insults in reality from others. You are creating a nightmare image/scenario in your head: your husband is attracted to a thin girl, and you are watching him drool from the distance. Thus, you must lose weight, become the thin girl, and then he can love and drool over you.

I'm certainly not passing judgment on you - just find the act of self-punishment interesting because I do it as well, but in a slightly different way. Despite the fact that my boyfriend (really, insanely cute) has told me he does see himself married to me in the future - I cannot accept this and so every time I see a pretty girl, I imagine that he would be better with her.... as he could never be happy enough with me, I'll never be pretty enough. For some reason, the fact that I have a brain and personality are not enough to convince me that I am good enough to be "the one".

The difference between our stories is that I have never used this personal, negative insult as a device to help me lose weight. Thanks for posting, you've given me a lot to think about!


mandalinn82
07-22-2010, 04:50 AM
Neither one, for me. Motivation is about how I feel about myself, not about how others say I look.

Rosinante
07-22-2010, 04:56 AM
I've had insults, though not many I suppose. They just make me eat in anger.
compliments? Not too fond of them either, I don't like people getting too close to the deeply personal, and somehow, although I'm all too obviously fat, it feels like a dark and nasty secret that I don't want people to approach me over.

Somewhere in my house I have a very old Garfield cartoon, the paper is yellowed with age. It shows Garfield standing on the scales with a towel draped over his head as he looks down at the dial. The caption: "My weight, My problem". I'm rather like that.

I can't say it's the same for everybody but for me, I can lose weight when the switch in my head clicks over, and that's regardless of anyone else's comments. I can only lose weight for me, through me, because of me taking responsibility. No offence intended to your aunt but it's not fair of her to put the blame for her weight on her husband - our weight is our responsibility, not anyone else's.

catherinef
07-22-2010, 06:20 AM
Negative reinforcement has never, ever, ever motivated me to do something positive. We're all different, and all that, and I know it's worked for other people, but whoa, it just does not work for me.

Serbrider
07-22-2010, 06:28 AM
I personally don't like either. Compliments upset me because I myself know I haven't done my best... (this is with anything)... and insults upset me because... well... I'm being insulted of course. :p

But... if there was one that would make me work harder... it would probably be the insult. To prove that their wrong. Not that I want people to go around insulting me. I'd rather have them say nothing at all (hence, the reason I don't show many people... at least in real life... my accomplishments). I find that when people are just like "wow... you look great"... or something along those lines... I stop working as hard, because my subconscious instincts are that "oh... I'm doing it OK".

I don't like positive remarks on my schoolwork. Because then I slack off... because there's no need to push myself. In my art class, my old teacher never pushed me. I always got 100 on everything, and a "wow". And so... I never strived for anything better. When I got a 85 on an art piece I didn't work hard on in my new class (I had to switch halfway through the year), I knew I had to step up my game. I wasn't happy... but I did do better.

So... I personally prefer neither... since I'm a harsher critic of myself than almost anyone else... (even Simon!)... I tend to do better on my own... but... if I had to choose... it'd be insult.

JessLess
07-22-2010, 07:25 AM
If someone insults me, they may get it back two-fold. My body is not here for other people to judge. It's none of their business, really.

Losing It 2010
07-22-2010, 08:51 AM
Negative comments just make me mad and want to drop kick that person into the next century, I haven't had any compliments so cannot comment on that aspect but I imagine if anyone did it would motivate me to stay on track and keep losing


I am just curious about something.
I have read lots of weight loss stories, and I have seen a lot of them saying it was a negative comment, a bad picture, or something like that which inspired them to lose weight. Of course, I have also heard stories that they wanted to be healthier, stronger, etc.
But, what I am wondering is which is a stronger motivation?

A while back my aunt said that she wishes my uncle would insult her or tell her she needs to lose weight. She says that would be much more motivating to her than when he tells her she is pretty and he likes how she looks no matter what she weighs.

What motivated you to lose weight? Was it a healthy reason for losing? I know this may be pretty personal for someone to answer. I am not going to lie- sometimes I find myself saying negative things to try to encourage myself. I know I should be saying empowering things, but instead I find myself doing not so good things like imagining my husband being attracted to a thin woman and him wishing I looked like that. I know it's not healthy, but it does work- I have no desire to eat after that.

Anyone else guilty of this or am I just crazy? I am really kind of embarrassed to admit that I do that. I have never told anyone that before.

Eliana
07-22-2010, 09:03 AM
I personally don't like either. Compliments upset me because I myself know I haven't done my best... (this is with anything)... and insults upset me because... well... I'm being insulted of course. :p


Me too. One of the hardest lessons I've learned was taught by my band director step-father. He taught me to say "thank you" to compliments.

My highest motivator? Tell me I can't do something. I WILL prove you wrong. I went from the last chair flute player to the first chair flute player with a life long passion for it because as that last chair player I was told I would never be able to play a certain piece of music. ("Morning, Noon and Night in Vienna"...a turning point in my life) I was told with my intolerance for pain I'd never breast feed. Did just fine, thank you very much.

No one has ever told me I couldn't lose weight, but I told myself that every single day I was fat. I was my own worst enemy with the "I can't" talk. And yet, that stubborn part of me refused to accept my own "I can't" talk, thank God! I fought it tooth and nail. I just had to figure out the right combination to get back where I needed to be.

Shmead
07-22-2010, 09:24 AM
I've never been directly insulted about my weight. I have no idea how I would have reacted at my heaviest, but it would NOT have been positive. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to lose weight to prove anything--I'd be more likely to gain weight in an attempt to show I don't give a f*** what they think.

I have had people--good people, family mostly--express concern over my weight, and I understand why they did--I was well on my way to an early grave. However, it more or less created the same "f*** you" response. That is not admirable on my part, but seems to be hard-wired into my personality.

My relationship with compliments is really complicated. I don't like receiving them, particularly, because they make me feel awkward, but I like knowing people approve of me or admire me (my favorite compliments are second hand, when Suzie tells me what Jenny said -- less awkward!) But I also really hate that I like approval/admiration because I feel like I shouldn't care so much what other people think.

I joke sometimes that my parents spent the first 10 years of my life convincing me not to care what other people thought and then the next 10 years trying to repair the damage. I took the advice a little too literally and it's left me with a contrary streak--like everything else in my life, I have trouble moderating--it matters what other people think about some things, some of the time, to some degree. That's hard for me to understand.

thesame7lbs
07-22-2010, 09:29 AM
A while back my aunt said that she wishes my uncle would insult her or tell her she needs to lose weight. She says that would be much more motivating to her than when he tells her she is pretty and he likes how she looks no matter what she weighs.

You know, I can totally hear my mother saying this... but if my father actually did it? She'd be livid. But this is typical of her. She does not have the self-motivation to address her weight, so she assigns responsibility to someone else.

Likewise, you may find yourself imagining your husband admiring a thin woman -- but how would you feel if you actually observed this? Motivated? Or hurt and rejected?

I don't think it is wrong to be motivated by looking better and being healthier for our partners. I like to think that in a loving relationship, one strives to be the best person she can be for her partner (and likewise). For me, part of that is being healthy and being confident and working to become the person I really want to be.

However, I will admit, that one memory that has haunted my mind for the past few months is how, 20 years ago at a party (I was 18), one of my guy friends said I was a little "chunky." I was not chunky. I was not "skinny" like some high school girls, but I was definitely not overweight at all. What was particularly infuriating is that he felt it OK to pass this judgement when he had a good bit of extra weight himself. Our 20-year high school reunion is this Fall. I can't wait to see him there. Cause I know I will look 1,000 times better than he will. Is this what motivated my weight loss? No. But it is the cherry on my (uneaten) sundae!

TJFitnessDiva
07-22-2010, 09:29 AM
Neither is motivation for me. Compliments, while nice to hear (from the right people) do make me feel good but never motivating. Insults have always made me want to punch some one :lol:

My husband is like your aunt's husband....he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I weigh. He's never said anything negative about my weight and I think when I got it in my head to make changes, it made a huge difference :)

Negative influence is never a good thing in the long run.

guamvixen
07-22-2010, 09:48 AM
To be honest, the insults never really bothered me, I mean it did make me more insecure than what I already was, but that's not what really motivated me b/c if it was, I would have done something a lot sooner. I think the realization of wanting to be healthy and really reflecting on my life and what it could be is what gave me the courage and strength to achieve my goals. I'm happier now, and you know what, I still get compliments and insults, just different ones now. People can just be awful, but I no longer take it personal, b/c if i can accomplish this, I feel i can do just about anything!

tinycities
07-22-2010, 10:11 AM
I agree with mandalinn82 in the sense that I find motivation has to come from within myself, rather than from something external (like a compliment or an insult from another person).

In terms of what motivates me from inside, I find that I am actually most motivated when I am being really positive. For me, so much of my weight gain in the past was due to negative self-esteem and negative things happening in my life, and thus negative self-talk, for me, either has no effect, or strengthens those maladaptive patterns I used to have. When I have feelings that suggest I don't like who I am as a person, I stop taking care of myself. When I have positive feelings which suggest I am a worthwhile person with a great life ahead of me, I am far more likely to make positive choices about my health and lifestyle.

In terms of what my positive motivation is, for me, it's when I'm thinking positively about myself now, and about how I will be in the future. I am twenty four years old, and I want to feel healthy, confident, attractive and young, all at once. I focus on how much better I look and feel now, how pleased I am that I take better care of my body and health now, and how happy and exciting it will be in the future when my self-discipline and willpower pays off.

motivated chickie
07-22-2010, 10:21 AM
Compliments have been helpful in that others are seeing my work. Sometimes I don't think I look at all different.

I did get a "compliment" that I didn't like. A guy I was intimate with called me "zaftig" while we were in bed. :( I think his "compliment" was a his way of pointing out that I was fat in a covert way. It's interesting that he is one of the few people that has never given me a compliment about my weight loss. I get a kick out of parading my skinny self in front of him (we are only platonic friends now). I know it's childish, but I can't help myself.

But the only affirmations that motivate me are my own.

rachinma
07-22-2010, 10:36 AM
There are negative comments and then there are insults. A doctor saying, "You are obese. This will cause health problems for you down the line, so you need to lose weight." is not an insult, in my opinion. A friend saying, "You have gained a lot of weight." or a significant other saying, "You've gained a lot of weight. I'm not as attracted to you." also are not insults in my mind. They *are* negative, though. I find them motivating.

People noticing that I've lost weight and telling me that I look good is also motivating.

So, both!

ThicknPretty
07-22-2010, 10:38 AM
Honesty is best either way. If you think I'm huge, don't lie and tell me how TINY I am just to make me feel better. And if you think I've lost weight, tell me that, too.

Ultimately, though, it's how I feel about myself that serves as the best and only lasting motivation. I became truly disgusted with myself and had to get to that point to finally do something about it. Any diet I would have started as the result of a hurtful comment would have fizzled out quickly.

I do have a little collection of insults that have been thrown at me in the back of my head, though, and when I'm really feeling like throwing in the towel (which is a lot lately), I refer to those for a little cheap boost in drive.

Zing
07-22-2010, 10:50 AM
With specific regard to weight loss, I think the motivation was negative.
Seeing my weight on the scale, knowing that I just kept gaining and was going to end up like one of the half ton people in a documentary. Then I lost a bit, then it all came back in no time at all. That's when I knew I had had enough and had to do something drastic. Photos on facebook were another issue that spurred it on.

But I think I got to this point by too many compliments (though I've never been good at taking compliments, I don't have very good self esteem). When an ex went on about "I love you just the way you are!" (yes he was a Billy Joel fan) when I complained about my weight, I put on 20 pounds. My parents always gave the "I think you're wonderful whatever size you are" nonsense or "Oh it's just puppy fat", as well as telling me that everyone in the family was big and continually making excuses for me. I can't help but be frustrated now that nobody ever said "You are heavier than you should be, for your own good you need to lose weight"/

rachinma
07-22-2010, 11:01 AM
I can't help but be frustrated now that nobody ever said "You are heavier than you should be, for your own good you need to lose weight"/
American doctors are particularly bad at this, and Americans don't like hearing it. It's too bad.

Looking fat is one thing, shortening your life expectancy is quite another.

SCraver
07-22-2010, 11:35 AM
I have been thinking about this all morning. People hurting my feelings has never motivated me to do anything. Compliments do... I do things to impress people. It is just nice to hear compliments. I like to be told I do things well or that I am creative or that I am looking good.

But that is just icing on the cake for me. Weight loss has been a very personal, internal jouney for me. I have come to realize that I need to change the way I think about food, exercise and myself. I have had to focus on the positive, focus on how good I feel and tell myself lots of positive, self-affirming, happy things.

Zing
07-22-2010, 11:53 AM
There were a few things with medical professionals, but nothing like that. My mum a few years ago told me a story that I didn't know, that she had been hauled in to see the school nurse when I had first started at school. The nurse got all pissy with her and said "Zing has been drinking far too much fizzy drinks"
My mum: "She doesn't drink any, she won't touch them"
Nurse: "Well she must have been eating too many sweets"
Mum: "I don't keep any in the house"
And the thing is, all of that's true. I don't drink soda or alcohol, I've never been big on sweets, I don't eat ready meals, I refused to go to any of the traditional fast food places once I got out of childhood.

The only other time was that an asthma nurse I was seeing suggested I might have some additional problems due to my weight, and gave me a leaflet on eating from the food groups (nothing I didn't already know - I mean obviously veggies good, cakes bad!). Nothing talking about calories, or portion sizes, or anything. I understand it can be a difficult thing to bring up because a lot of people are sensitive about such things, but I honestly didn't realise until this past year that it was possible that I could be anything other than huge.

Nobody ever said you are putting yourself at risk of all these diseases, this is what's going to happen to you if you don't make a change. I didn't know there was a link between obesity and diabetes until a couple of years ago, I didn't know what cardio exercise was until about a year ago. So maybe not insults, but at least not pretending that everything was ok.

Sunshinenmysoul
07-22-2010, 12:35 PM
Well, sometimes I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me because I've gained 50 lbs. since we first got together. That's a LOT of weight. I've asked him if he's less attracted to me and he says no, but I know that if I lose all this weight I'm trying to lose, get back to where I was when we first got together PLUS lose some that he'll be more attracted to me. Whether he admits it or not. And whether it's true or not is irrelevant. It's one of my motivators.

The other is my EVIL MIL. She has been so awful to me about my weight so I'm going to be smaller than her and prove I can look better so she better watch out.

My mother is the sweetest and compliments me all the time saying she can really see a difference already, which is also motivating. So, I guess it's a little of both.

kaplods
07-22-2010, 12:41 PM
Intentionally hurtful comments from others has never motivated me. I've always been my worst critic (until I unlearned that bad habit).

Thinking hurtful things about my self has never helped in the long-run.

Sure the nasty comments from other people or frome one's self, can ruin appetite for a short while, but in the long-term it's counterproductive.

Negative thoughts are painful, and pain adds stress. Stress releases stress-hormones, and stress hormones reduce metabolism. Stress makes you fatter. Relieving stress, boosts your metabolism.

Not only is being the target of criticism (from others and even more so from yourself0 stressful, it also erodes confidence. If you insult yourself enough, you believe the insults. They become self-fulfilling prophecies. You start to believe that you are a lazy person - and what do lazy people do? Why nothing, of course! And you'll find yourself doing that more often than you did before you have accepted that label for yourself.

Imagining others thinking bad things about you, doesn't just hurt and add stress, it makes you paranoid. You become half convinced that your imagination is reality.

There've even been studies of this. One group of spouses were asked to imagine their spouse betraying them in some way. One group was asked to imagine their spouse doing something nice for them. Another group was asked to imagine something emotionally neutral about their spouse. Then all the groups were sent off to lunch, and observed.

The spouses that had imagined good things smiled more, touched more, and generally seemed to haqve a more pleasant interaction during the lunch than the other groups. The spouses that had imagined betrayal, were more likely to have negative behaviors - even arguments.

It's the sterotype of the woman waking up and hitting her husband with a pillow, because he had cheated on her, in her dreams.

Imagining your husband being attracted to other women, in some part of your brain you're telling yourself that is exactly what he's doing. It's a small chink in the relationship, over something imaginiary.

I look at it this way. I have a choice. I can work at wieght loss by making myself miserable, or I can work at weight loss by making myself happy. The second scenario is a win-win, because not only do I lose weight, I get to be happy while doing it.

I used to diet to punish myself. I didn't (initially) think I was a bad person (I always did think I was a pretty cool person, once people got to know me, and I was outgoing so that usually worked out for me. I even won over people who seemed to want to be enemies)

I punished myself dieting, because that's how dieting was done in the 70's and 80's (and even too-often today). All of the role models I had available, did it that way, so it's how I learned to do it. Hating yourself was just part of the game, so I played along because I didn't know there was a different, BETTER way.

The sad thing though, is that I started to believe I deserved the punishment. Failure proved I was lazy, crazy, or stupid.

Or, I'd get sick of punishing myself, decide that I didn't deserve it, and would reward myself (with food - again because it's what I saw every one else doing. It was also how dieting was done - an endless cycle of guilt/punishment/sadness/rebellion/self-pity/consolation food reward/guilt/punishment..........

Now I look at health changes as ways to pamper myself, not ways to punish myself. I'm making healthier choices, because they do good things for me.

Even when it comes to food, I don't focus on what I'm taking away (calories), but on things I'm adding. I learned that from a doctor who told me not to focus on eating less (calorie restriction), but to focus on eating more - eating more fruit, more vegetables.....

I used to compare diet food to "regular" food (which also sets up the deprivation expectation). Deprivation sucks. Indulgence is wonderful.

So I indulge.

I'm on a tight budget, so indulgences have to be creative, but there are still plenty of healthy indulgences. Ways to look at health changes as ways to pamper, not punish.

A good example right now, is summer fruits and vegetables. I love the "adventure" of trying new fruits and vegetables. Until I started looking (about fifteen years ago, long before I lost any weight) for new fruits and vegetables, I never realized just how many there are.

I found a new one. Mangosteen. I've tried the juice (yummy, tastes like peach, only better. I dilute it with diet Sprite so that it's not so high carb, or freeze it into 15 calorie portion popsicles).

It wasn't legal for import into the US until recently (fruit fly concerns).


A bag of about a dozen plum-sized fruits, was priced at $18. Too steep for me, though I would have paid $1.50 for one fruit (at least once).

I spent $7 on a dragonfruit.... once. I knew it was probably a once-in-a-lifetime purchase, as I can't imagine paying $3.50 per fruit serving on a regular basis. It was fun, and the fruit tasted nice (but not $7 nice, it was kind of bland. Very sweet, with a lot of seeds the texture of a firm kiwi with lots mor seeds, but not as flavorful as a kiwi. It was like chewable, seedy, but plain sugar water).

Pretty, sweet, but boring. Definitely not worth a rebuy, but the experience was worth it, because of the fun of trying something new and frivolously expensive.


I have to say that it's a lot easier to stay on a weight loss plan that feels like decadent/pampering than one that feels like deprivation/punishment. There's never a good reason to give it up. Stop indulging in pleasurable experiences? Why on earth would I want to do that?

You can't compare an apple (at least not an ordinary apple) to cheesecake though. The mundane, better choice, is always going to seem lame compared to the decadent, poor choice.

However, you can make the apple compare better to the cheesecake, by thinking of cheesecake as "boring" (cheesecake, really? Sure it tastes good, but it's overdone. Everyone rewards themselves with cheesecake, I'm more creative and more adventurous than that). Ah, but hunting for the perfect exotic fruit (or even the best apple), now that's a challenge, that's a quest worthy of someone of my skills and intellect.

It's a mindgame that actually works. Yesterday, I bought some pink lady apples (a sweet-tart, juicy, crisp apple, that is heavenly). I had two apples, and I enjoyed them every bit as I ever did cheesecake (even today though I know if I compared them side-by-side the apple would taste horrible after the cheesecake).

I also have Ranier cherries and strawberries in the fridge. Mmm, fruit! The Ranier cherries are a splurge, and yet a bargain ( at $2.50 per pound - half their usual price) this year as there's apparently a bumper crop. Strawberries have also been cheaper this year, and watermelons too.

I still have to count calories (or in my case, exchanges), but there's no reason not to focus on rewards rather than punishments.

I love swimming, so I "treat myself" to the warm water therapy pool ($5 per visit, or $28 for unlimited use during the month. I'm going to switch to monthly as soon as I've gone at least 6 times in a month).

I don't think of myself as forcing myself to exercise, but finding ways to move in fun ways. I'm ridiculously unable to ride a bike long enough for it to be "good exercise," so I do it for fun. The better I get, the sooner it will be "real exercise," but for now it's just something interesting to do (sometimes really interesting. My first time on the bike this year, I'd forgotten how to steer/brake, panicked, and crashed into the side of the garage - no damage to the bike or to me, except to my pride. Funnier than unfortunate).

When there's so many ways to enjoy taking care of yourself, it seems like such a waste to use negative motivation.

SpoonSockSpork12
07-22-2010, 12:49 PM
I don't react well to negative comments about *my* body. One of my problems with starting this new lifestyle was I am actually pretty happy with my body and have a good amount of self-esteem/confidence. What motivated me was really just me going...ok, let's see how much more awesome I can look and feel. That sounds vain and boastful, I know, but it's an attitude I took on after I got tired of listening to women of alllllll sizes complaining about their bodies. Our bodies are awesome!!!

Thing that motivate me are from me. I want to be able to run competitively; I want to look even better in a bikini. I'm 65 pounds from goal, I am sure most people would not thing I need to *look better* in a bikini--they'd think I need to start not looking horrifying in a bikini! :dizzy: Haha, but I don't care, this is for me. My boyfriend loves me regardless and my family has always been trying to get me to lose weight; nothing said by them one way or another made that change in me, I did.

Beach Patrol
07-22-2010, 12:55 PM
I'd rather hear nothing about my weight at all - good or bad. I'm overweight, I know it, I'm trying to do something about it. Nobody else's business, really.

I come HERE for support. I get a lot of good tips from the folks who post here. Plus, it does help me to know that "I'm not the only one" with a certain problem, set-back, etc.

But in general, nope. I prefer people - ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO CLAIM TO LOVE ME (mom, daddy, etc) to just NOT say anything. Unless I've LOST noticeable amounts of weight. Then, of course, they can praise me all they like. :rofl:

hpnodat
07-22-2010, 01:20 PM
Pain was and still is my hugest motivator.

I've never had anyone tell me that I'm beautiful and look fine the way I am. I guess that would be a lie to a degree. I get the "you have such a pretty face" comment all the time, which I take as a negative complement even if the intent is to be positive.

I say pain is my motivator because that is what has convinced me to make a change recently. I went to Tx at the beginning of July for a week. I barely fit in the plane seat and had to suck in with all my might and pull as hard as I could to get the seatbelt to fit, I had to do that twice on the way there and twice on the way back. I was too mortified to ask for a belt extension. While we were there we had to walk for miles everyday because we didn't have transportation or had to use public transportation which was very difficult. It was very hard on me, my whole body hurt, it was excruciatingly painful. We also had to sit in stadium seating for 4 days for about 3 hours at a time while we were there, I didn't fit in the seat and I had to scoot up on the edge just to sit down, the seat would creak and groan and I was afraid it would break on me. The arm rests caused bruising on my hips, which is actually just now clearing up. I was so miserable, I cried myself to sleep several nights. What was supposed to be a fun time for me & my husband was not fun in the least. And it was all due to my obesity. It still makes me sad just thinking about it.
I don't want to be that way anymore, I don't want it!

Beach Patrol
07-22-2010, 01:31 PM
. I was so miserable, I cried myself to sleep several nights. What was supposed to be a fun time for me & my husband was not fun in the least. And it was all due to my obesity. It still makes me sad just thinking about it.
I don't want to be that way anymore, I don't want it!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

hpnodat
07-22-2010, 01:47 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you! :hug:

goodforme
07-22-2010, 02:22 PM
I think insults and backhanded compliments have actually led to me being overweight. My parents especially thought it was "motivating" to tell me that I shouldn't eat x or y because it would make me "more fat" and my father particularly used to make comments such as "I wouldn't take you to a dogfight if you were the main contender" and "why can't you be more like your sister?" (Sis, by the way, is fatter than I am now, so there!!)

While you're young and impressionable, hearing this sort of garbage and feeling the shame and tearing pain in your chest that comes along with your parents hating you (even if they didn't, that's what it felt like to me) when they should love you, and not being able to go to them when you get teased at school or asked if you are pregnant when you're 12 because they would get a huge laugh out of it. . . I learned very early to eat my feelings. Sort of rebellious and f*** them, I'll eat more of this than I really want just to show them I don't care what they think.

That kind of attitude has held on through all these years, and now that I'm almost *gasp* middle aged, well past puberty and young adult-hood, still holds to this day. If someone is laughing and pointing, making comments whether directly or overheard, it is perceived by my tiny mind that they are in fact laughing and pointing at me because I'm fat. Directly resulting in a strong urge to empty an ice-cream container into my mouth.


Compliments, well, they are a whole other ballgame. If someone says "You look great" my mind finishes the sentence with "you usually look like crap." If they notice I've lost weight then that means they noticed how fat I used to be. There is no way to convince myself that sometimes, people are just NICE. Haven't run into too many nice people over the years, but lots of A-holes.

Sorry to ramble. Neither shame nor adoration motivates me. I have to do this for myself, because of my health, so I can be around to watch my children and future grandchildren grow up. And spend a fortune on therapy, I guess.:dizzy:

redlight
07-23-2010, 01:58 AM
Neither, but insuts are not called for.

blonie123
07-23-2010, 02:58 AM
I really appreciate everyone responding to this. I have noticed something about myself through all of your responses. I have noticed that it is actually very hard for me to accept anything positive about myself. I have tried before to tell myself you can do this, you will succeed, you want to be healthy and strong. For a while I believe it, and then I always go back to the negative self talk. It is not coming from anyone really but myself.

I am not trying to be all psychological here, but when I was young my Dad used to comment on my weight. I really started becoming obsessed about it as a result. I read diet books and exercised starting at 10 years old.

When I got older my dad quit making comments, and I was with a guy that liked me no matter what size. I gained weight.

Now, I am with a guy that does care. He is not mean about it, and he doesn't want me to be stick thin, but he does want me to lose weight.
My obsession has reoccurred all over again. Yet, I am so depressed about my weight, that I think it is stopping me from success.

I am realizing actually as I am typing this just how hard on myself I am. I find myself remembering every hurtful thing that my father or anyone has ever said about my weight.

I don't know why I am doing this. I know I need to be positive and love myself, but for some reason I can't.

Cglasscock1
07-23-2010, 03:22 AM
I think that you were very hurt by your dad's comments on your weight and now you are feeling unlovable because your bf is reinforcing those feelings.
As long as people are in effect criticizing you, your self esteem plummets and you feel helpless. You self esteem will rise once you have some positive weight loss experiences. You will get on a roll and be proud of your progress.
But you must take the first step which is action. Start your diet and exercise program. Each pound lost will be a victory. You don't have a huge amount to lose. You can do it and your life will be happier. Do this FOR YOU --not your dad or bf. I hope to see some positive posts from you in the near future!

bonnnie
07-23-2010, 03:37 AM
Actually, you already made your "first step" - you put into words, put into language, a situation that you have never consciously grasped that occurred to you while growing up .... and have now connected that event to the present (you see the repetition). That step, in itself, is very important.

How will you proceed? Maybe you should try to create a new, more objective view of what weight loss means to you.... you want it to feel better, to achieve better health, etc. Possibly divorcing weight loss from your father, from your partner, will relieve some of the depression and anxiety. Just an idea.

Also, kaplods had a wonderful comment - really enjoyed reading about the study of negative/positive imaginings in a relationship.

synger
07-23-2010, 09:46 AM
Insults have never been motivating to me. Some scared, fat, weepy part of me accepts them as my due. Compliments I smile and say "thank you" for, but have not really succeeded in "accepting" truly.

As someone else said, pain is my main motivator. My tendinitis is so bad I can barely walk some days. My knees hurt. And when I was dx as pre-diabetic earlier this year, and I began doing research on diabetes complications.... well, that put the fear of God into me!

However I got started, though, that fear will not be enough to keep me going. Especially as the pain begins to ease. I'm finding ways to congratulate and motivate myself... even if it's as simple as eating only half my bowl of chili when we go to Hard Times cafe, or choosing the chicken over the burger at Red Robin. LEarning to give myself credit for the on-plan things I do, and not beating myself up over being off-plan, but rather analyzing the behavior to determine what to do next time that situation arises... those have become my primary motivators now.