General chatter - Letting Go of Friendships




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ThicknPretty
07-21-2010, 12:12 PM
I just need to get this off my chest. It's not even remotely weight loss related, but I just need to get this out...and maybe someone else can relate? Am I the only one who sometimes feels like she just has no friends at all?

My best friend of over 2 years and I just recently stopped speaking and the reasons why make me sad. We have worked together the entirety of our friendship...he received a promotion and disappeared from my life. And no, I am not imagining it...he will walk past me in the hallway and not speak, he stopped returning calls and texts ages ago, he walks out for his smoke break with other coworkers and they stand far away from me. Needless to say, this is painful and somehow very humiliating. I feel like the girl on the playground that no one wants to play with. I found out today that he and another girl from work now go and work out at the gym in his apartment every day after work...he and I had been doing that all year. And for some reason, it just really hit me...and I cried (not in front of anyone, never).

Thing is...if I'm honest, I'm better off. He was never a very trustworthy, loyal person (to anyone). He is very bad about backstabbing and gossip, he cheats on his boyfriend, he will be someone's friend to their face and then completely dog them out when they aren't around. Sounds like a bad person, right? Thing is...I accepted his flaws and he accepted mine and we always had a lot of fun together and could relate to each other. I always kept in mind that he probably wouldn't have my back all the time and it hurt, but I guess I thought part of being a good friend to him was showing him loyalty..? Anyway...even knowing all these bad qualities about him, I still feel rejected and discarded and like...it's me. There is something wrong with me. If there wasn't, he would still be my friend, right?

This was longer than it should have been and I hope you guys aren't getting sick of my posts...I just don't know how to sincerely move on without either holding a grudge or holding out hope that we will be friends again someday...how pathetic...:(


L144S
07-21-2010, 12:29 PM
well, it sounds like he is using people to climb on to get to where he wants to be in life, this will at some point come back to bite him in the butt...
but what I really want to ask is why are you humiliated? sounds like you did nothing wrong and by feeling that way you are validatning his ability to make you think baddly about yourself.

No one needs "friends" like this. social climbers are no fun and I would bet that the "friend" you took over for in his quest for moving up felt the way you do and the girl who took over for you is going to feel like you do now when he is done with her.

Hopefully you can recognize this trait in furture freinds and no invest yourself the same way.

westernsoutherngirl
07-21-2010, 12:29 PM
I know I had a similar situation with a friend and it is heart wrenching. We did lots of stuff together and always had a blast and then just nothing! And I would run into her all kinds of places with other people, even sometimes when I would make an attempt to say "hey wanna do something over the weekend?" and she would say maybe and then I would run into her out with folks. Weird and I also felt like I must have "done something". I don't have any great advice but can certainly sympathize! Mostly I HATED the way it made me feel - like I was in jr high or something and I am almost 50 years old! Even cried to my hubby about it which is unheard of for me. Ultimately I just said f*** it, it isn't worth it because I knew I hadn't done anything to cause it just like you didn't! Bummer to have to see that person daily! But hang in there! Not worth the waste of your time once you get past the disappointment which I do think is justified! Take a deep breath and move on!
BTW - after your migraine post I was relieved to see this post becuz I was wondering if you were okay!


audrina
07-21-2010, 12:39 PM
You know, I barely have any friends. Maybe 4 or 5 years ago I was involved with a man and that relationship [not because he was isolating me or I turned into a you know what but for other reasons] ended up costing me most of my friendships.

So I moved. Far away. And I started over. I made new friends, a new life and it was good. I had a best friend, who would do some things that upset me, but we were roommates and I figured that just was how things went.

Things took a turn for the worse and she got very mentally ill. It got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore, so I decided to move back home, and while I did I continued this damaging friendship. I mean, she was my best friend.

But distance gave me some clarity and I knew I had to cut her out of my life, and I did. In doing so I again had NO friends.

Now I reached out to a friend I made on the internet after we met in person, and he's my roommate. So at least I have someone. But not having any friends is a really hard thing. It makes me feel really badly about myself, and more than anything I miss having a best friend. I miss having a shoulder that I could always cry on, someone to cuddle with when I was feeling sad, someone who I can call.

NiteNicole
07-21-2010, 12:49 PM
He was never a very trustworthy, loyal person (to anyone). He is very bad about backstabbing and gossip, he cheats on his boyfriend, he will be someone's friend to their face and then completely dog them out when they aren't around. Sounds like a bad person, right?

It's like they always say of guys who cheat - if they do it with you, they'll do it to you. The same goes for friends - friends who gossip with you will gossip about you. Friends with a mean streak will turn on you. It's so NOT YOU.

Some people can only have one friend at a time and when they find a new friend they have to villainize the old friend so they feel ok about dumping on them. Did he take up ALL your social time at work? And did he spend a lot of time talking smack about other people and kind of cutting you off from the rest of the herd? These people are often kind of social bullies, at school and even continuing into work - everyone kind of follows their lead and pretends to like them because no one wants to be on the other end of their ill humor. They're often funny but it can be a mean and cutting kind of humor.

You are better off. There is nothing wrong with you and it was bound to happen. How did he talk about the person who was his best friend before you? He'll dump this new bestie eventually, it's just the nature of who he is. I'm sorry and it sucks. I have had one of these and observed a LOT more. Being their friend can be fun, but it can be a tense kind of fun like you're always sort of waiting for them to turn on you.

Of course, I could be totally off. But it's not you! Some people are just jerks.

PapayaMule
07-21-2010, 12:59 PM
I don't have a single friend and I like it that way! :)
I have aquaintances, people I see through work but all my teenage and adult life I have always been friendless.

I don't like drama and this way I don't have to deal with any one else's. I just have never liked anyone enough to want to get involved, other than my boyfriend.

It's very liberating :D

cornellchick
07-21-2010, 01:05 PM
Abusive friendships, like any other relationship, are not worth staying in.

TnP, does any incident between you stand out in your mind as something that might have hurt him? If so, maybe you can patch things up. If not, then it's his problem, not yours. When someone (even someone who has been a great friend to you) is treating you this badly, why should you stand for it? You're worth WAY more than that; there's no reason to put yourself through unnecessary pain, and there's certainly no reason to feel bad about YOURSELF for this guy's problems. You said it yourself that he has issues; I know everyone does, but it sounds like he's tough material for a lasting friendship in the first place, as tough as that might be to realize.

If you're hurting this much, just remember that he isn't worth all this hurt. You're much too strong to willingly stay in this painful situation. There are better people out there that you can be spending your time with. Reach out to others you know (or don't know) and you might find new close friends sooner than you think... people like attention!

The only thing constant in this world is change. Some friendships last forever. Others don't, and that's OK too. Surround yourself with people you love, and life will be oh so much sunnier. :hug:

Cglasscock1
07-21-2010, 01:09 PM
Please do not blame yourself. This person has issues ... serious issues.
Friends should add joy to your life ... not leave you wondering. You may want to look into groups who share a common interest such as a hobby or a sport or join a church singles group if you are a church goer. I think you will find friends of a better quality by doing so. I think you are better off without this person in your life.

Cally Callahan
07-21-2010, 01:18 PM
I've moved alot as a twenty-something and as a result I have no super close friends. I have my boyfriend who is pretty much my best friend. My best friends from my hometown live 4+ hours away and don't really relate to me anymore, so when I do see them it is intense gab fests about their lives and I am exhausted by the end of it. It's nice to see them but they are all very self involved.

Other than that I have work aquaintances, people that ride at the same barn as me, and people I occasionally see at the gym, and my boyfriends friends. All of these people are very nice, and we do activities together on occasion. It might be nice to have a chat over coffee with them sometime, but I am not outgoing enough to ask, and then I think I am quite happy with how simple my social life has gotten. No Drama!

ThicknPretty
07-21-2010, 01:27 PM
[QUOTE=cornellchick;3397422]
TnP, does any incident between you stand out in your mind as something that might have hurt him?QUOTE]


Honestly, no. Usually, when a friendship or relationship ends, I can look back and see exactly what happened or what I could have done better/differently....but not this time. Actually, the last time I saw him socially was at his birthday party at the very beginning of June...I bought him a huge, expensive bottle of cologne (I can be a little too generous with gifts) and brought food, stayed for the party, had fun...and then, starting the next day, never heard another word from him. I kept trying to figure out if I had done something at the party....but I can't think of anything, really.

What makes it worse is that my son was very close to him. It makes me even more wary of letting new people in our lives...it's not fair to him. Who can you trust now?

Thank you so much for your warm responses...it helped me to see that other people can relate. And westernsoutherngirl, thank you for your concern and for thinking of me, that's very sweet! I have an appointment with my PCP in two weeks and I'm definitely asking more questions this time!

Rosinante
07-21-2010, 02:08 PM
Pretty, I had almost exactly the same situation last year. We'd worked together 5 years - didn't do too well as colleagues but always got on as mates - then for 7 years we were best friends. The only thing we didn't have was sex n romance but otherwise we told each other close things, went on holiday together couple of times a year. It was great. Yes, he was a gossip, yes he was very over-bearing - but I set that off against the fact that I'm a listener to gossip (well, kind of, would never bad mouth a friend) and a bit of a doormat. It felt like a fair trade off. One day he was bullying me so much on the phone, I told him to stop. He has not voluntarily spoken to me since. It's about a year now, so it's fair to say I've been dumped!

Only difference - I definitely didn't and don't feel there's anything inherently wrong with me. I did do a lot of soul-searching as to whether I could have handled it better but the bottom line is, even if I could have (I'm not very good at standing up for myself), if he'd been a friend he would have forgiven me, if there'd been anything to forgive.

There were so many things we had in common. I have just one friend now. She's a very nice person but not on the same wavelength musically, academically, verbally, I'm not completely at ease with her. Over the years, I had become completely at ease with him.

Shortly after the dumping, I stopped sticking to weightloss and regained 40lbs.

I dreamt about him last night for the first time - he ignored me in my dream too!

Yes. This kind of thing is incredibly painful. And it's left me wondering whether to try and find more friends or just settle with my life. Not sure yet.
:hug:

LLH2010
07-21-2010, 03:12 PM
I went through the same thing last year, and even though it was confusing and hurtful to begin with, eventually I just kind of understood that being friends with someone for a while then not being friends was just her pattern. I don't miss the friendship one bit. Luckily she wasn't my best friend, just a friend so it wasn't too bad. Now I have learned that my husband, family, and one or two very close, trustworthy, loyal friends are all I need. Why deal with the drama and everything else that comes with so-so friendships?! Although it may seem cold, now I'm friendly with many people but I am very careful about who I call a friend, and if someone backstabs me or does something that totally disagrees with my values I just break away from them and end it right then.

Bac0s
07-21-2010, 03:51 PM
It's just as hard to break up with a friend as it to break up with a boyfriend. I'm sorry. :( Sounds like it will be for the best for you, though. Toxic people suck.

saef
07-21-2010, 05:45 PM
Hmmm. Well, there are people who have problems with intimacy. Maybe he is one of those? They tend to have periods when they focus intensely on a relationship, in a sort of infatuation phase, but as soon as that relationship reaches a very deep, honest level of intimacy, they back off. Sometimes too dramatically & too quickly. I don't have enough information, but perhaps the party was a trigger, when he realized how close you'd become, and decided he needed to flee far away & re-establish an emotional distance between you?

People who do this tend to have done it before. It's just a pattern with them, and it's definitely them, and probably not you.

In fact, based on what you've said about him cheating on his boyfriend, I'm going to take a shot in the dark here & guess that maybe, just maybe, it's a pattern in that other relationship also. Perhaps when he feels his boyfriend is getting too close, he probably tries to re-establish some distance by turning to someone else.

I'm so sorry you're hurt & so bewildered, & agree, that moving on from a friend is just as difficult as recovering from a romantic relationship.

This may be one of those things where you will begin to recover when you stop asking yourself why or scrutinizing yourself, accept that this was nearly as random as a car accident -- you crossed the path of a careless driver, and you didn't know just how dangerous that was going to be -- and watch for someone else who'll be easier to get along with & more emotionally open.

therex
07-21-2010, 11:23 PM
i can totally relate thicknpretty. my best friend of like.. 12 years doesn't speak to me anymore, and while i did a lot of things that hurt the friendship it still hurts when someone very important to you leaves your life. i feel like i was dumped or something, and as a result my social life is almost non-existent. It doesn't really sound like he's worth the trouble of trying to work things out, but hopefully you find a new friend that you can really connect with.

Windchime
07-21-2010, 11:56 PM
Sometimes it helps me to think of friendships being for a season. Some are meant to last over the years, some are meant for just a few years, some for a lifetime, some for a few months. Is it possible that the season for this friendship has just ended? I know that doesn't make it any less painful, but sometimes it helps me to think of it in those terms. Not my fault, not his fault, its just that the relationship has run its course and now it's over.

I sympathize with you. I tend to have a lot of acquantances but few real friends. I like it that way, for the most part, but when I lose one it really hurts.

Serval87
07-22-2010, 02:16 AM
I know a little how that feels. I am 23, and my best friend and I had been friends since the middle of 2nd grade but we had known each other since 1st. Anyway, maybe 2 or 3 years ago she started to distance herself, finding new friends in her jobs and such. She had done this all before, discarding me once and awhile for newer, more exciting friends. The only difference was that this one lasted longer. Now, we hardly speak. Even when we do, the conversation isn't free-flowing anymore. In the past I have been depressed over this loss, but I'm learning to cope because the girl that was my friend is gone. She has changed, and even though she says she is still my friend, her actions tell me that she's not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you could hold on to this dying relationship and feel sad and empty about it, or you could just move on (I know, easier said than done) and find new friends that are nicer and more loyal.

Philigirl
07-22-2010, 06:38 AM
My best work friend did the same to me after I switched jobs. It was gradual but the phone calls became less and less then nothing. I've wondered if I've done something but I know that I haven't. I guess she was here for a reason and a season. I like meetup.com to find new activities in my city and the friends come naturally or not.

Mourn the loss and move on.

Good luck

Wysteria
07-22-2010, 10:11 AM
My best friend from school stopped speaking to me after we both went to university - she came and visited me a few times and I went to visit her but eventually she decided that her life was just so much more fabulous now and I didn't fit any more, and the friendship ended.

It happens, but you do just have to move on. Friends are transient depending on who you are at any given time in your life - I only have two or three good friends from my teenage years, the rest of them I have only met in the past two years or so.

And then there's my lovely internet daughter (Flamethrower on here). I know that she will be my best friend for the rest of my life even though there's ten years between us. Real friends are those that you'd be proud to call your family, and she's one of them.

dragonwoman64
07-23-2010, 07:52 PM
years ago I had a very close gf who began to see a guy who I didn't mesh with. I also knew she had a habit of being very self centered, and had not treated past friends of hers with much loyalty/respect. I stayed with her thinking to myself, we're too close, she'll never do that to me, enjoying the many things we shared -- interests, going out, talking. well, she did do that to me.

Honestly, looking back I think I was looking for something from someone who didn't have it in herself to give to me. I think it was partly my fault in that situation, things I did and expected that I should have known better, and partly her fault, for lacking a certain integrity. Lesson learned. Sometimes you have to keep certain people at a certain level of intimacy because they haven't EARNED a deeper level with you. Follow your instincts.