Weight Loss Support - No support from Hubby?




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blonie123
07-18-2010, 04:06 AM
I am trying to change my life. I want to lose weight, but I also want to live healthier and get in amazing shape! This is something I have wanted for a really long time, but I have yet to achieve this goal. :( I am giving it all I have got, though. I know it might be uncomfortable to change, but for once I am going to embrace the temporary discomfort instead of running from it.

Only one problem- my husband.

For some reason he won't support me. He doesn't act interested when I talk about it. It kinda ruins my enthusiasm. He wants to keep all the junk food in the house. He wants to go out to eat at all my fave restaurants.

I have asked him why he does this, and he says, "Why should I have to change anything?" Then he explains to me that he thinks that I should just have more willpower and blah blah. Doesn't he get that I obviously don't have that kind of will power just yet? That's why I am overweight! Maybe one day I will resist, but it is too hard for me right now. Esp. since I am a SAHM, so I am around all the food in the house all day. And to make matters worse, he still wants me to cook fattening food for him.

My husband is not overweight, and he has no clue what dieting is like. Another thing, he WANTS ME TO LOSE WEIGHT! He has told me so. Just today, he found an older pic of me and asked me how much I weighed in the pic and told me he liked how I looked there. I just think he wants me to lose weight without doing anything that makes things different for him. I am not trying to make him work out with me, or even do the same diet plan. All I am asking for is moral support and to not keep crap in the house.

I don't know what I should do. I guess I will just continue on my journey without any help, but I am afraid I won't succeed.


asharksrevenge
07-18-2010, 04:33 AM
I am so sorry that you are going through this and don't feel supported! There are many people here who share a similar situation with you, so please don't feel like you are alone. This process is not all about willpower, but having someone there to help you and keep you accountable is important. Can you suggest he cook his own meals, if what he wants to eat is not healthy? Is there a place you can store your nutritious, healthy food away from his?

mariamherrera
07-18-2010, 04:38 AM
that would be really tough.. :( could he maybe compromise with you.. like If he INSISTS on having junk around the house could he keep it in "his" area of the house.. like does he have a man cave, an office, a den, a garage, the basement.. etc that maybe he primarily just uses.. I asked my husband too do this We had a bunch of rice crispy treats and I ASKED him to put them in his office where I wouldn't see them and he has a filing cabinet that locks I told him to put them in there..LOL it may seem childish.. but it's what works.. and it's best to know yourself.. Also as far as wanting to cook you the same foods.. make yourself the same things just make yourself the healthier version.. if your making burgers make his with beef and yours with turkey or a veggie burger.. if your making spaghetti make yours with whole wheat noodles.. etc...so in essence your having the same thing.. and it wont be harder for you to see that he gets something and your eating dry chicken and veggies :( that would be even harder... OR try "tricking him" 9 out of 10 ten times I make what my husband wants for dinner but I just make them healthier and he never even notices the difference.. He may like healthy food.. just find some really great recipes that you can tweak and make them healthier.
You can do this with o with out him.. the truth of the matter is you must make up in your mind that this is what YOU want fro YOU.. once you are determined that this IS your new lifestyle and YOU are going to stick to it with or with out his support you will find it easier to do and to not cave in even when temptation is looking you in the face.. Ultimately you will be faced with choices bad choices will be staring you straight in the face and it will have to be on YOUR own will to make the right choice.. It will be much easier if you have some one behind you saying hey make the right the choice I know you can you can do this.. but ultimately what you do is up to you.. you just have to be determined.. find ways to make it work.. It wont be easy other wise we would all succeed our first time trying to get healthy.. I can guarantee you'll fall off the wagon once or twice or maybe 5 or 10.. but the point will be to get up dust yourself off and hop right back on.. this is where the real change begins.


wish you all the best! and remember even if hubby can't give you support all us of at 3fc are routing you on.. You CAN do this! YOU WILL do this!!


Mrs Rock Chick
07-18-2010, 04:39 AM
I'm sorry to hear that your husband is not supporting you in this. Like you said he has no idea what it's like to have to struggle to lose weight and he simply doesn't understand. Maybe there is some way to MAKE him understand? Is there something he really enjoys that he would find really hard to do without? Something that would require HIM to find some willpower? I feel this is the only way he would even begin to realise what you're doing.

thesame7lbs
07-18-2010, 06:47 AM
I have so many thoughts about this. I'm actually really angry from reading this. I think it's really unfair that he puts pressure on you to lose weight (IMO just saying, "You looked good at that weight" is pressure), but then he does not support or facilitate any of the changes necessary to help you. That is... cruel, really.

So my first response is, F- him. You do the food shopping? Don't buy his junk food. Just don't buy it. You do the cooking? Cook what you want to eat. He'll live.

But I guess that's not really a constructive answer (though it's what I'd do...). So how about some compromise? His junk food stays in his car or at work. You cook healthy meals 4 times a week, what he wants 2 times a week, and eat out once a week. When you cook the less-healthy meals for him, make tons of veggies so you have a small serving of the main dish, and load up on healthy sides.

It might also help if you find some really great-tasting healthy recipes. I don't think our menus have suffered at all in the past few months as I've been watching what I eat. Yummy chicken, fish, shrimp, lean beef, etc. Sometimes my husband has a big dollop of sauce while my meat is more "glazed," or he has a big helping of rice or noodles on the side while I double my veggies and salad. My husband is very thin so I have to be sure he gets enough calories while I make sure I limit mine -- it's a balancing act.

Yes, to a certain extent it is about willpower. You do have to learn to say no to things. Just because something is in your pantry doesn't mean you have to eat it or can eat it whenever you want. We've had all the ingredients for smores in our pantry since we got home from vacation last month -- doesn't mean I get to have smores.

I feel like my husband's support has been really crucial in this effort. I'm sorry you don't have it.

(PS. I'm a SAHM too and I agree the constant preparation of food (three kids, three schedules!) and basically living in the kitchen can be really hard!)

Edited to add: :hug:

nelie
07-18-2010, 08:55 AM
I think the idea of keeping things in an area dedicated for just him is a great idea.

I'm having difficulty lately because my husband is losing weight and he really shouldn't but he started increasing his exercise and he doesn't know how to up his calories because I cook things for him and he likes healthy food and doesn't like fattening foods for the most part. He does snack on chips which we keep in the house but I don't eat. I have also tried adding oil to his portions of food, enough that it isn't greasy but that it adds extra calories.

Shmead
07-18-2010, 09:12 AM
In the end, this is truly something you have to do yourself. It's not his job to be your food police or your conscience. On the other hand, it's not your job to be his short order cook, or his company when he wants to go out to eat.

So when you are going to cook dinner, say "Hey. I am cooking [healthy option] for me and the kids tonight. Do you want me to make enough for you?". If he does, do so, if he doesn't, he can cook himself a frozen pizza or whatever. When he says "Hey, let's go to Big Bob's All you Can Eat Rib Palace for dinner", you say "It's not on my diet, but you and the kids have a nice time. I'll have a salad here".

luciddepths
07-18-2010, 11:53 AM
Wow, sounds like an @$$hole.

Maybe im just "mean" but when someone i love (Spouse) says/treats me like that, thats it for them! making them food or buying things they like forget it!

IF they have the nerve to pressure me or tell me i need to lose weight yet are only not willing to help me out by limiting the things around me (junk food eating out..etc) they can cook/shop/eat our on their own.

If you buy the food, dont buy his garbage. If you do, somewhere hidden is great - shop/cabinet.

But you will have to start drawing the line of not going with when he eats out or if he complains about the "healthy" food, he is an adult and can go by himself and cook for himself.

Some we just need alittle bit of help in the beginning to get the ball rolling!!! Granted we can't expect that from them forever, but in the beginning its very important and when you start maintaining.

mthrgoos68
07-18-2010, 01:41 PM
I can completely relate to what you're saying. When I first started making lifestyle changes my husband (now my ex), never said a word. I went from staying home, never leaving the house, and eating junk food all the time, to working out for 2 hours a day, taking the kids to the pool in the afternoons, and eating healthy and he never said a word. I went from 330 lbs to 160 lbs, and he never said a word. NEVER one single complement. Even when I would tell him how much I had lost each week. Nothing. It was very hurtful. The only time he would mention it is when he said that we couldn't go out and do fun things any more, because if I didn't want to go out to eat, then there was nothing else to do.

I know it's hurtful, but hopefully you can find ways to involve him in your new lifestyle. Maybe he will see the positive changes in you and begin to encourage and support.

I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one and you're definitely not alone.

dragonwoman64
07-18-2010, 04:23 PM
my bf doesn't have any weight to lose and exercises all the time. he eats a lot of junk food, chocolate. and so we do have some of that stuff around the house. he does make concessions and helps me with food and exercise, but it is an ongoing battle of the wills and he doesn't always understand my POV with the food/eating. I hear something of the "will power" speech ("you just have to make a commitment and stick to it!"). He's not entirely wrong, and neither am I.

I know it's a generalization, but I think guys tend to see and experience weight loss and dieting in a different way than women do. I think you can find your way around his bad habits, and look for support elsewhere until he starts to get it, which he probably will, but it may take some chat time and compromise on both ends (I don't mean to say you have to go off your eating and exercise plan for his sake).

Good luck!

astrophe
07-18-2010, 05:09 PM
I seek my emotional support here. I don't want any active support from my DH. Passive support at best -- just listen to me when I talk about it and even then, I don't talk to him much about it.

He's a tall drink of water type. I'm not, and I have PCOS/IR to boot. He can sympathize to a degree, but I don't think he can empathize.

He hasn't been in these shoes, whereas lots of folks here have. It isn't that I don't love him or think he's the cat's meow. But I also know that in this area... he doesn't have the knowledge or experience. He won't have walked these shoes and I can only expect but so much from him.

He can't give me tactics or strategies from the front lines. He can't tell me how he copes with his crazy blood sugar, PMS cravings, plateaus...

That said, I'm the mom and I'm still responsible for the grocery shopping, the cooking, etc. I go with the idea that the best defense is a strong offense!

I buy him lots of nuts, popcorn, apples -- snacks I know he likes that are healthier. I put all his snack stuff in a basket on top of the fridge so he can reach it, he knows where it is, but since it is up out of reach of the kid and up out of my sight, I don't think about it. I try to buy the things he likes but I hate so even if he forgets to put it in his basket and leaves it out I'm not tempted.

It took a while, but I "leaned" out the family recipes without making a big deal over it or any announcements and he doesn't cook, so he hasn't noticed or vocalized it. I did tell him I was bored of cooking the same things so I might try new recipes, but if he didn't like them he could always make a sandwich. With that reassurance, I think it smoothed the way.

We still dine out at least once a weekend. I know the restaurants we like, and sometimes we try a few that are new. But my offense there is to look it up online and plan what I'm having and stick to the program. Child likes to play so I'll suggest taking her bowling, swimming, biking, etc. I don't count it as my formal workout, but it gets everyone moving a bit in a fun way.

Here's another thought -- perhaps he doesn't know HOW to support you. I'd suggest simple can-do things. Washing the dishes. Watching the kids after you work out. Put the laundry away.

These don't sound glamorous, but when my DH takes those tasks, it is supporting my effort because it frees up some of my time so I can spend it working out, making next week's menu, etc.

GL!
A.

ORSewmama
07-18-2010, 05:23 PM
It sounds like you are in a very rough spot here. My DH is supportive to a point, but we do deal with the fact that he doesn't really want to change his habits. I guess like everything in marriage, we have found some compromises. I do have to say that my DH could lose some more weight (he's pretty heavy, but has lost 20 lbs this year!), so he's open to healthier foods - to a point. He keeps the crap he buys in the garage, we have an extra fridge out there and everything, so it's perfect for us. We do have a pantry area out there for canned goods, and he just sticks stuff in there. Also, if he wants junk food - a lot of times he'll buy it on the way to work and just keep it in his car. I admit - I don't want him eating ANY crap, but he's a grownup, so he can do what he wants.

I did sit my DH down and explain to him - I have no willpower. I wish I did, and maybe someday I will be better at it. But right now, I have none. And he has been very awesome at respecting my wishes. Yes, sometimes stuff does come in the house, but it's infrequently and it does give me some opportunities to overcome my issues :)

I do some of what is suggested here - my biggest problem with weight gain was just eating TOO much. We didn't eat horrible food, but even too much good food can make you gain weight. I have made changes to our diets - whole wheat pasta and bread, more veggies and fruits available, etc. And I still do make some fattening foods for dinner that my family loves - and I make a ton of veggies with it, and eat those first, savoring the fattening part. And I work it into my diet for that day.

Can you possibly lay out the no willpower thing for him? I have been pleasantly surprised by my husband - without even asking he has done such sweet things for me. One day he really wanted chips with dinner (we were grilling burgers), and he bought his favorite, and then picked up a bag of baked chips for me! And when he wanted ice cream, he picked up a container of a yogurt blend ice cream for me so I could enjoy a treat with the family. I have been so touched by his support with these little things - but not all men are so perceptive. If it works for your diet, maybe you can suggest this? Ask him if he buys junk food to maybe get you a healthier alternative, until your willpower kicks in? Just a suggestion.

ORSewmama
07-18-2010, 05:29 PM
Another thing just popped into my head - LOL! Are there snacks that will placate him that don't tempt you at all? My DH LOVES these fire peanuts that are sooo spicy. He loves them because he can have just a few and feel completely satisfied. I keep him stocked in those, because I will NEVER touch them. He gets to snack, and I'm not even remotely tempted. There are a few others things that he likes that I flat out don't....so he still feels indulged and I am not tempted.

jhawk76
07-18-2010, 05:40 PM
I can totally relate to your dilemma. My husband and my kids can eat pretty much whatever and still look as if they need to eat more. My DH has been on this roller coaster ride with me before and I wouldn't call him the most supportive. He still expects me to make the meals his way and go to the restaurants that he knows I won't be able to say no to. The first week of getting back on track was the worst because I felt like he was testing me. He could care less if I am fat or if I am skinny. I knew that I needed some sort of support so I did two things. 1. Joined 3FC and 2. Emailed all of my closest friends and challenged them to join me - even if they didn't have any weight to lose there would still be something they could do to improve their health (the response was incredible). So I check in here often and communicate often with those friends who are going on this journey with me.

We still have the snacks and junk in the house and I can actually turn my nose up to them. I have worked way too hard in the last couple of weeks to get derailed now. Once you start seeing results that will keep you going. If he wants to eat at a restaurant I research it to see if there is anything I can eat there beforehand. If not, then we either choose something else or they go by themselves. He hates me not going so he now says; can you eat at (insert restaurant)? Or we went to the movies yesterday and he shared a sprite zero with me (he would have never done that before). He sees, in a short time, how good I feel about myself even though I am not close to goal.

Keep your head up and do it for yourself - he'll come around.

QuilterInVA
07-18-2010, 05:47 PM
We really can't expect others to change the way they eat if they don't want to. I had a sick husband who was trying to gain weight and I still lost. I go out with me friends wherever they want to go. I may end up eating before I go, but I go and have a side salad and coffee and enjoy their company.

airbear
07-18-2010, 05:56 PM
You will succeed! I really feel for you. I'm sure it's really hard to not have his support. You just gotta tell your self that the "crap" is poison to your body and health/weight loss efforts. I mean be dramatic about it. Learn to hate the "crap" food. So much of weight loss is mental.

blonie123
07-19-2010, 02:32 PM
I can completely relate to what you're saying. When I first started making lifestyle changes my husband (now my ex), never said a word. I went from staying home, never leaving the house, and eating junk food all the time, to working out for 2 hours a day, taking the kids to the pool in the afternoons, and eating healthy and he never said a word. I went from 330 lbs to 160 lbs, and he never said a word. NEVER one single complement. Even when I would tell him how much I had lost each week. Nothing. It was very hurtful. The only time he would mention it is when he said that we couldn't go out and do fun things any more, because if I didn't want to go out to eat, then there was nothing else to do.

I know it's hurtful, but hopefully you can find ways to involve him in your new lifestyle. Maybe he will see the positive changes in you and begin to encourage and support.

I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one and you're definitely not alone.
Omg! See, that is what I am afraid of happening. I am afraid I will lose weight, and my husband won't even comment! It happened before when I had lost some weight. My husband only commented a year later when I he noticed I had gained weight! Ugh. So, did your husband ever acknowledge your transformation? That is just so crazy to me!

To everyone else....Wow. It is true- there is support here! That really has made me have a good outlook for today and hopefully from here on out! I actually was so upset about his lack of support that last night I ordered a pizza and ate til I was so sick! I kept waiting for him to comment. I thought surely he would think it was odd I was eating pizza! He never said a word. I guess he really is just not going to think too much about it one way or the other. Well, today is a new day. You are all right- I have to do this for myself. It would just be so nice not to have the temptation in the beginning at least. I am always my husband's personal cheerleader, and I guess I was hoping he would be mine.

L R K
07-19-2010, 03:30 PM
I am sorry that you are going at this with no support from the person who should care the most. Losing weight is hard enough without the support of your Husband.

It's hard to get someone on board with your lifestyle change if they don't want to or need to change. But you have to look out for yourself sometimes you know?!?

Try and make little changes to your lifestyle so it doesn't seem like such a change for him. You can still eat your fave foods just in smaller portions, add extra veggies to your meal etc

Because you are a SAHM there are so many things you can do during the day to help you stick to a plan without inc. your hubby. I can see this being the major area where you make your change to your lifestyle and finally do what YOU want to do, and be where YOU want to be and reach your goals.

Good luck and remember the girls here at 3FC will always be here to support you. :)

mthrgoos68
07-19-2010, 03:36 PM
No, he never did comment. In all fairness, he never commented when I gained either, but as hard as I was working, I really wanted some recognition from him.

I have always though, gotten tons of support here. This really did make a HUGE difference for me.

Remember that ultimately, you are doing this for you, please don't do crazy things (like eating a whole pizza) to try and get him to notice one way or the other. You are only hurting yourself. We're all probably guilty of self destructive behavior, that's why we overeat like we do. You are doing this for you, so that you can be healthy and happy. This is for you and about you, and if he can't be supportive, then you can come here for it.

bronzeager
07-19-2010, 04:50 PM
Chiming in late on the "willpower" subject ... I'm visiting my mom right now and she has junk food EVERYWHERE, for my stepdad because she is not attracted to it. And I told her it is hard for me being faced with cookies etc everywhere I look, and she told me I have to "just say no." She is one of those people who can eat one square out of a giant bar of chocolate and leave the rest lying there on her desk for a week.

Well, this week there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about how obese people's brains react differently to food -- say the words "chocolate cake" to them and they literally think about chocolate cake for the next three hours whereas thin people do not. Anyway she was reading it, and said something like, "Wow, that sounds really hard, I'm glad I'm not like that." And I said, BUT I AM!!! So now I think she does understand that it's not just "willpower", although she's still buying the cookies and leaving them on the counter.

Here's a blog post about the article, maybe it would work if you showed it to him. Ask him, "If I say 'Pizza', do you think about pizza for the next hour, or not?": Obese people's brains (http://eater.com/archives/2010/07/13/obese-peoples-brains-react-differently-to-food.php) (the article, which is linked in the post, might be behind a paywall, but this is the important bit.)

thesame7lbs
07-19-2010, 05:10 PM
Bronzeager, that article is FASCINATING! Should be required reading for everyone on 3FC.

Gold32
07-19-2010, 09:59 PM
Chiming in late too, apparently. I was also a little angry reading the original post. But it was because of the "willpower" issue, which is now being addressed. I wish people realized it's NOT a willpower issue. There are so many psychological and physical factors that we battle against. When people throw out "you need more willpower" it comes out to me the same as saying, "you're lazy, you're weak." Arg!

As to what you can do about it? I agree with having him store and eat his junk out of sight, and making what you want for dinner. This is what it comes down to- Just as he has every right to not be forced to eat differently, you have every right to buy, cook and eat what you want.

As for support in other ways? No clue. Seriously, I have the most supportive husband in the world. I don't know if I could put up with some of the things you and others have gone through in terms of no support. Communication is key, that's all I can say.

CrystalZ10
07-20-2010, 01:36 AM
Mine tries to be supportive, but he starts craving stuff and drags me down with him. lol
It is really up to you to stop eating the bad foods...He could be more willing to help out and hide the food, or eat it when he's out, but your gonna run into temptations outside of your home, so like me, your going to have to learn how to say no...I haven't figured it out though...I'll let you know soon as I do. :)
I'm with the ideas of snack foods he likes that you hate...or can live without. I get my hubby lots of nuts, and baked chips, like Popchips, or Sunchips, and he likes them and they aren't too bad for me either.

BoiseShan
07-20-2010, 12:03 PM
"So my first response is, F- him. You do the food shopping? Don't buy his junk food. Just don't buy it. You do the cooking? Cook what you want to eat. He'll live."

LOVE IT! This is exactly what I'd do, too!

L R K
07-20-2010, 12:25 PM
Chiming in late on the "willpower" subject ... I'm visiting my mom right now and she has junk food EVERYWHERE, for my stepdad because she is not attracted to it. And I told her it is hard for me being faced with cookies etc everywhere I look, and she told me I have to "just say no." She is one of those people who can eat one square out of a giant bar of chocolate and leave the rest lying there on her desk for a week.

Well, this week there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about how obese people's brains react differently to food -- say the words "chocolate cake" to them and they literally think about chocolate cake for the next three hours whereas thin people do not. Anyway she was reading it, and said something like, "Wow, that sounds really hard, I'm glad I'm not like that." And I said, BUT I AM!!! So now I think she does understand that it's not just "willpower", although she's still buying the cookies and leaving them on the counter.

Here's a blog post about the article, maybe it would work if you showed it to him. Ask him, "If I say 'Pizza', do you think about pizza for the next hour, or not?": Obese people's brains (http://eater.com/archives/2010/07/13/obese-peoples-brains-react-differently-to-food.php) (the article, which is linked in the post, might be behind a paywall, but this is the important bit.)

Thank you for sharing this with us bronze, very interesting, I guess I have to train my brain to work like a thin person, just so NO and not think about it.

bigmamatexas
07-21-2010, 06:55 PM
Ialso can relate what your going thru. My husband is the same way. He has alowed me with no complaint to join a gym, and I join TOPS club to get my support. But he has told me after I joined these activitys that he didnt understand why I had to do this that losing weight is like quiting smoking. He and I decide about 5 yrs ago to stop and what we did when the last one was gone we didnt buy anymore. So he thinks I should be able to do the with my weight. And of course he doesnt have the problem I have he can eat anything and everything and not gain a lb. Since it is just he and I now left at home I do not fix meals like when you have a family. I can fix exatly what he wants and then I fix what I want. And this has work for me. Sometimes he and I go out to eat and I look for menus of lite plates, or just veg.s or go to the salad bar. And I have order a regur meal and just eat half and bring the other half home for another meal. So far ive lost a total of 66 lbs. Good Luck! :swim: :dust:

Justwant2Bhealthy
07-21-2010, 08:20 PM
BRONZE ~ I read about other research where people were tested while seeing, smelling, thinking, and talking about food ... and indeed their bodies would react by releasing hormones into their systems; yes, endorphins, but more importantly ... insulin -- which makes you physically hungry. This is not about making excuses or blaming anyone; it is just about understanding how our bodies and brains work, so we can find helpful solutions for those who need it ... :D


BTW, I use all of the above solutions with my DH -- I took all our favorite family dishes and made them healthier; increased the veggies; make soup more often; make salads for myself; and buy healthy snacks for me too. If I bake at all, I make only healthier things, the rest I buy in small quantities and stash in the freezer for when guests come.

His snacks (most of which I am not that crazy about) are put in the freezer in our shed, and/or in the bedroom in a high cupboard which I cannot reach (he uses this room as a den when not sleeping there; he had his tv, etc in there too).

I choose healthier things when we occasionally eat out, like BBQ spit deli chicken and salad for me; if he wants fries he can have them, I don't. We don't buy a whole pizza now, we just buy one slice each; and I have a salad with mine ... and things like that.

My main support comes from people on this site; invaluable for me really. :D

thesame7lbs
07-21-2010, 09:37 PM
Just as he has every right to not be forced to eat differently, you have every right to buy, cook and eat what you want.

Genius. This really cuts right to the heart of the matter.