100 lb. Club - Weight Gain, Failure and Being Afraid




lola06
07-16-2010, 02:49 PM
I have come back to 3FC to absolve myself of what feels like sin to me, and to hopefully get some perspective and a fresh start.

I was sooo close to reaching my goal weight, and then things fell apart. At my highest weight I was 268lbs, at my lowest weight I was 165lbs and a size 12/14 and now I'm 215lbs and a size 16/18. I had never lost this much weight in my entire life and I was never a yo-yo dieter, so it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't keep the weight off permanently. I was even giving some close friends weight loss tips if they asked, and I'm a life coach for plus size women, and I even developed a healthy living and weight loss program for my clients.

I was happy. I was exercising regularly, cooking and eating well and things were moving in a very positive direction. When I first started losing weight I wasn't in a great place, but I was in therapy and working with a holistic health counselor so that really helped me get to the root of why I was eating.

I lost 100lbs in 11 months, I was on a roll. Well, about 9 months after reaching that milestone, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I told my parents and sister for the first time that I had been sexually abused by a relative, something I never ever thought I would do. Everything was so emotionally crazy and chaotic during that time. I was still exercising but I started eating more and more. I didn't really gain weight because I was exercising a lot, but I was starting to take on my old eating habits again. 6 months after my mom was diagnosed and was in treatment, the man I planned on marrying broke up with me. Well, devastated would be an understatement for how I felt, but I was still exercising although not eating much.

Well, my exercise of choice was running and weight lifting and just before the breakup I got a really bad case of Plantar Fascitis in both of my heels and was no longer able to run, and shortly after that I was in a car accident and had some minor nerve damage to the right side of my arm. So that meant no running or weight lifting for the time being. I took a little break from exercise thinking it would get better then started exercising again but it only made it worse.

Now here I am, having dealt with all of those emotional setbacks, but I am 50lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I looked at myself in a picture that was taken of me recently and I almost burst into tears. I feel so sad and ashamed for what I have done to my body,like a failure, particularly because I know better, I know what it takes for me to lose weight but I just haven't been doing it. I am determined to move on from this point, but I am afraid of gaining more weight and not being able to turn this thing around. I'm afraid of going all the way back to the person I used to be. And what's funny is I can see myself engaging in all of the bad habits that helped me pack on the pounds in the first place but I don't always stop myself.

I'm ready to begin again but it feels like being a newborn all over again, learning how to walk for the very first time, sorting through diets and eating plans, reading all of those fitness magazines like an addict thinking they are going to tell me something I don't already know. It's a challenge.

Anyway, I just wanted to share and hopefully some of you can relate.

Thanks for listening.


Bunti
07-16-2010, 03:24 PM
I think you will find that many of us relate. Welcome back. We're still here.

mingle
07-16-2010, 03:33 PM
Absolutely can relate. I went from 313 pounds to 212 pounds one time. And then gained almost every pound of it back. I don't know for sure, because I wouldn't buy a scale, but I know I was back almost to where I was. I started losing again & got into the 260's, then got down to 215. Went back up to 252 & now here I stand. I'm down to 229 & still working, determined to reach my goal & maintain.

So I completely understand the feelings of sadness, anger, embarassment, etc. I hope you keep coming back & posting. :)


Beverlyjoy
07-16-2010, 03:33 PM
So many of us can relate. So glad you are back. The good news is that you didn't regain all of it. Ya know...we can never stop 'trying again' in this weight loss and having sanity with food area of our lives. When you try again - it may be THE time that sticks for good.

You know what works. Try to hop on that plan again. Plan plan and plan some more.

lola06
07-16-2010, 03:38 PM
That's very encouraging. Thank you.

pamatga
07-16-2010, 03:47 PM
:hug::hug:

Okay, now that we have done that, because girlfriend, you needed that, and I needed to hug you too; I will say this: "Ditto! Ditto! and Double Ditto!" You could have been writing my life story for the past three years. I joined 3fatchicks in 2007. I was doing all that you were doing, wearing clothes that I never thought I would ever wear and exercising faithfully every day. Then, bam.....my Mom was diagnosed with two forms of cancer in late 2007, she had a surgery in early 2008 that went "terribly wrong" and left her paralyzed, blind and unable to eat. She overcame obstacles that were simply amazing only to die from a nursing home that overfed her in her feeding tube and she inhaled her vomit and it caused an infection in her lungs which her very weakened body couldn't fight off. All this took eleven months out of 2008. I went back "home", leaving my hubby, and stayed for 3 1/2 months during that time.

I returned only to have a terrible bout with rheumatoid arthritis(I was diagnosed in 1994) that left me bedridden. I was in constant pain for nearly 5 months. I could barely walk. I worked my way through that but I too regained the weight plus another 20 lbs and just when I thought things were settling down my hubby lost his job in April 2009 and then I did in Sept 2009. I had another bout with rheumatoid arthritis from Dec 2009- May 2010 that was worse than the year before. I developed diabetes. I was in constant pain that no pain killer would help.

The bright side is the pain stopped by Memorial Day! Yea. I decided to restart my diet and exercising in early June. And, the results have been amazing. Never ever ever give up!! Never never never! I'm going to do this and so are you, sweetie. We all love you. You have come home. :hug:

PS I too am a sexual abuse survivor. You can work through this.:hug:

Rosinante
07-16-2010, 04:53 PM
My bounce was 242 to 136 (16 away from goal) to 225 to 180 to 215.
And I don't know why.
Yes, there was the year I hit financial ruin at the beginning of the year (the big B. word, the tail-end of the Last recession), as a consequence of which I was threatened with unemployment, which would also have meant homelessness as it's a tied house, and at the end of the year my dog died.
Yes, I changed jobs within the organization, moved to a place where I know no-one.
Yes, my best friend of 12 years, The Platonic Man, dumped me for telling him not to bully me on the phone.
but I didn't go through any of the really heavy stuff that you and others have done. I so admire you coming back and starting again - it's all we can ever do.

And: you did not Sin. You ate. You put weight on. You did not Sin, take that word right out of your head. You feel bad enough about your weightloss setback without putting the pressure of 'Sin' into it.

Not a sinner, a winner - because you're back here trying again. :hug:

lola06
07-16-2010, 05:54 PM
Pamatga, that couldn't have been easy, what you went through. I guess we never really think about medical conditions and how it can effect weight loss efforts.

Rosinante, WOW! is all I can say. I'm amazed that you keep trying, and I feel very encouraged that you're on the way back down. The fact that it didn't "stick" the first time makes me think I chose the wrong plan, you know, did something wrong. But some people keep it off and others re-gain and have to start again. But the point of it is not to give up.

I just used the word "sin" for dramatic effect, as I like to write, but my feelings about the whole thing aren't too far from it. The real challenge is turning off the negative mental chatter. But that battle is one day at a time.

Athenacapella
07-16-2010, 10:36 PM
Wow, are you sure that you didn't sneak into my account to post that?

I was 18 pounds from my goal weight last year. A goal weight I never, ever thought I'd hit (but that was at the high end of normal for my height.)

I was at the lowest weight of my entire life -- lower than even in 5th grade. And I "blew it all" after some real emotional hardships. And I used to be running and I always had PF but it got to the point that I not only couldn't run, I couldn't even walk without paying for it for days.

It is SO TOUGH to start over. I remember when I could run 5 miles, and now I can barely walk 5 minutes.

But I want to congratulate yourself for starting your journey earlier -- I gained 80 pounds back. I'm not trying to compare myself to you, but hoping that you say that you should be proud that you are taking steps NOW to reverse this.

If you want an accountability partner who is in the same boat, PM me. I'd love for us to do this together.

lola06
07-17-2010, 07:21 AM
Athenacapella, I love your quote, what a great motto to live by. And I completely understand what you mean about the running 5 miles. I live in New York City, and I was at the point where I could run to the train two stairs at a time now I'm starting to get winded again just walking up the stairs.

I would be great to connect with you.

MablesGirl
07-17-2010, 12:06 PM
:hug:

hugs to everyone. We are all here to help each other. I too am struggling, but I know we really can do it. Maybe we just take it one day at a time?