I know there has been discussion in the past about how we see ourselves. I was never one to see that I was fat, I never felt fat, I never had my picture taken so I didn't see it. This past year, I've been seeing myself and it's a scary sight. I don't know how to explain it.
Sure I had some drawbacks to being this size but for the most part it never got in the way and I've been pretty healthy. But now the last couple of weeks, I see it, I've woken up to what I've become and I'm at a loss, I see it in my pictures, my reflections, I see it everywhere and I don't know what to do about it.
It's depressing me, I know I need to use this to motivate me but I'm not sure how. This stopping and starting I keep doing is not helping matters, I keep saying I need to stop but I don't know how to plan, to change.
I never know what to say on threads anymore and I feel so ashamed of myself because I was in that good place and i see all the progress being made here and I feel like the wrong kind of loser and I find it hard to keep coming back here.
07-15-2010, 01:54 PM
I get that. I am either on or off, so I have a lot of admiration for people like you who continue to post even when you're not quite there. It's hard to read all the happy-happy-I'm-doing-so-well posts when you yourself are struggling. :hug: I really do admire that you've stuck around.
As for the rest, you may have read it from me before, but the best thing I did for myself was give myself a one year commitment to changing my life. I really wanted to see where I'd be a year from now if I just got started and didn't quit. Somehow putting a timeframe on the whole thing made it easier for me.
My girlfriend is doing a medically supervised diet. I do NOT agree with it, but I took one principal away that I kind of like. She drinks their shakes for 12 weeks then goes into a sustaining phase for 6 weeks and decides from their whether or not she wants to continue losing. You can do anything for 12 weeks and then maintain, right? Lose 10-20 pounds and then maintain? Start again if you so desire? Keep going if you so desire?
So maybe pick a time frame of 12 weeks, 6 months, one year, whatever just to see where you'd be if you safe guarded yourself against giving up because during that time period you're not allowed to give up. By the time you reach your time goal...you're not going to want to quit. ;) I promise. And the "dieting" will be routine, habitual and easy.
07-15-2010, 04:13 PM
I have recently been feeling just like this, Snowbound Chick. Thank you for posting and putting it in words. This thread will prove very helpful to me as well.
One thing I have tried to do is to accept how I am now, realize what got me here, (take an afternoon and let yourself mull this stuff over )and forgive myself and move forward. I understand about catching your reflection, and realizing how far you have let yourself get, without realizing it.
Eliana's suggestion about the time frame is very helpful. I am going to mark this and keep coming back to the thread.
Don't leave here Snowbound...don't feel like the wrong kind of loser...we are all in this together...this is the stage you are at...so just take all these helpful suggestions and move through it. A big part of improving ourselves is looking in the mirror and being able to see reality. NOW we see the real picture. NOW we can really make progress! Let's do it!!
P.S. I realize this is the 100 club, but this matches my mind set, so I hope its ok if I posted a reply.
07-15-2010, 04:27 PM
Lainey, that's a lovely reply. ;)
And Snowbound, I was just thinking about the fact that your image in the mirror is bothering you. I have always had this image of a thinner me inside my head when I close my eyes, so seeing myself was a huge shock. I wish now I'd taken more pictures of who I was then because now that the weight is coming off, I can not believe that was me and need a picture to fully understand how far I've come. I want you to get to experience that part of it too. ;)
07-15-2010, 04:47 PM
I want to say to you, Snowbound, that I really give you a lot of credit also for sticking around here when you're not doing so well. I personally have always "left" when my mindset goes wrong, which is why I have been a member for however long and have only lost 31lbs! Of course leaving is the absolute wrong thing to do, but it's much easier to be in denial and continue to destroy yourself when you leave these boards and stop looking at pics and reflections, so that's what I've always done.
I really appreciate this thread right now, it could not have come at a better time. I went to the drs today to weigh myself (I've just been going there monthly to weigh in rather than constantly obsess about the numbers on that dang scale), and what did I do but totally consciously avoid looking at my reflection in the glass as I walked in. I keep telling myself that once I get closer to goal there will be time enough to look at myself, when it does not scare and disgust me to do it.
I really need to do some thinking about this. Averting my eyes is not hiding or sugar coating the truth to anyone but me. Maybe I really need to OPEN MY EYES and see where I am. I want to be fully aware of what is going on, so that when I get closer to goal I will fully UNDERSTAND where I was and can really appreciate how far I've come and KNOW that I don't want to go back. Easier said than done as I am leaving for a beach vacation tomorrow and I want more than anything in the world to stay away from that camera!
07-15-2010, 04:48 PM
Thank goodness, I'm not the only person who didn't see myself as fat. I mean, I knew I wasn't thin...but I thought "I'm not *that* big". I don't like having my picture taken. So, I really never saw it either. When my daughter was born, my stepmom went picture nuts. Everytime I turn around there's a camera. Then, to be nice, she emails me a copy...which I appreciate...but HOLY MOLY, "Is that me?!"
This week I printed a couple of the "more flattering" pictures and hung them on my fridge....now, if I could just figure out how to hang them on McDonald's and Burger King....
07-15-2010, 05:29 PM
Donna! I feel exactly the same way! Please don't go anywhere, because there are lots of us going through the same thing!!!!
07-15-2010, 06:25 PM
Wow does your post resonate with me!! I have been at 3FC for 11 years, and I haven't really gone away at all. And I weigh more now than when I joined and have never had more than a 40 lb weight loss this whole time. But I stay because it scares me to death to think about where I'd be if I left. I do participate less, but not because I read less, I just don't always feel like I have that much to contribute. But I take away all I can.
I see myself as fat now, but I didn't always. When I was around 275, I didn't see it at all. It drove my Dad crazy when I would say that I didn't see myself as fat.
But even at this weight, this year is the first time I have really pulled my head out of the sand and faced where I am and it has made me much more self-conscious and has limited me because now I worry what people think. That never crossed my mind before. I needed to face myself so that I can cure myself, but it hasn't been pleasant.
So stay, and read and post. We are all in this together and no one is judging and our time will come, where it will finally click once and for all. :hug:
07-15-2010, 08:18 PM
I can TOTALLY relate. I have felt this way in the past. You are definitely not alone.
I think it goes from the initial, "wow, I'm losing weight - I'm so proud of myself!" To, "holy cow. I was so fat. I have so far to go. I can't do it. I might as well have this treat I want. I might as well quit."
It's hard when your head is screaming, "you can't, you can't, you can't, you CAN'T!" And there's only a little tiny voice in your head that says, "But what if I can?"
Let's find out.
07-15-2010, 08:58 PM
Snowbound, we all go through this...you see the road ahead and you know it's bumpy and full of turns. But, get grounded again...set up a fail proof plan. Mine is usually centered around food...if I can plan a week out of meals I can usually wrap my mind around getting back on track. I hated taking pictures...never saw myself as fat until someone showed a picture to me and I'd beg them to delete DELETE delete! I hated seeing my reflection, even in my computer screen at work...I looked horrible...but didn't feel fat. It wasn't until I saw the number on the scale one morning when I was brave enough to step on it...264.4...I wept...I cried...I wailed! It was the most "real" experience ever and I hated it! I spent the next day looking on you tube at weightloss transformations and realized that I can do the same thing. I had a plan, dump everything in the pantry and refridgerator and getting back to eating for life. One day at a time, that's all I could hope for...one day turns into two and then three...eventually I was getting back to looking in the mirror. The support from family, friends and co-workers kept me going even when i didn't want to. I'm not a big contributor to this forum, but I love reading peoples successes and struggles...we all have them. I'm sure if you keep coming back and posting (even the struggles) it will help you release this frustration and help you focus on what you really want. I know you can do it...you're just at a bump in the road. Keep coming back and I promise you'll be over you bump and back smooth sailing. But, please remember we ALL go through this...if there wasn't tough times when we lose weight we'd all be skinny!! Just keeping moving...keep making the better choices and you see some progress.
07-16-2010, 12:11 AM
:hug: We are or have all been there at some time or another. I never saw myself as being that big either until I saw a picture and I asked who is that? It was me! It makes me cry just thinking about it. We all struggle, you just have to take it 1 day at a time, 1 pound at a time. You are still holding strong with a 24 pound loss. That is great! You can do this!
Myself, I cannot set a final goal because to me that would be to overwhelming. I wake up everyday and plan my day out. I pack all of my food for the calorie count I am following. Some days yes it is a struggle but I know I am worth it. When I have my times where I don't like how I look or feel, it keeps me that more focused. I try to imagine what it will be like when I lose 5 more pounds or when I'm such and such a size. Please don't feel like your alone. :hug:
07-16-2010, 08:37 AM
I can totally relate to not seeing myself fat. I went to the beach in May and mmy husband was taking pictures. He showed us later, and I actually asked where the woman in the picture had been because I didn't see her. I realizd that they were my clothes, and it was me...I BROKE down. Until THAT PICTURE was taken, I had really lived in denial about who I've let myself become. Like other posters, I knew that the scale said I was fat, but I didn't see it or feel it (that knee pain, I just had too much sodium). As much as pictures hurt to see, they are helping me to keep it real now. I know that it's hard but we really have to keep chugging! You are going to make it! Please don't stop coming to the boards, I enjoy seeing your smiling avatar. You deserve to take care and keep trying! :hug: :hug: :hug:
07-16-2010, 09:35 AM
Snowbound, I just want to remind you that even though right now, I might seem like one of the losers who is "doing it right..." I got to be almost 300lbs by doing the same thing as everyone-- eating way too much and feeling like I had no control over it.
I used to read stories about people who had lost 100 lbs or more with a total sense of bewilderment. How did they do it? Since I "couldn't" do it, I assumed that there was something specially wrong with me that made weight loss just that much harder.
What happened for me was that something pushed me over the edge and made me realize that I simply could not continue the way I was.
But gosh, I had to fail hundreds, probably thousands of times before I hit that point where I was ready.... and since I'm older and lived in the pre-internet days, most of that time I was SO ALONE. I did not know what was the matter with me and thought I was the only one in the world with this problem. I wish I had been able to hang around a place like this-- maybe that would have helped me realize that others struggled with the same problems. All of us struggled to get to the point where we finally figured out how to make it work.
I am really shocked now when I look at some of my "before" pictures. I had no idea how big I was.... but then again, I think of some of my big friends, and when I think of them, they look normal to me-- I don't see them and think, oh, look, there's Ms. morbidly obese, look how huge she is....
We don't like our "fat" pictures because most of us formed an image of ourselves sometime when we were younger and thinner, and it's the difference that bothers us.
So, it's good to see yourself the "way you really are" but make sure that you show yourself the same love and compassion that you would show a close friend. Remember that others see your personality and your smile and your strength-- and your body size doesn't seem like a big deal to people who know you....
I think we are better at taking the steps to lose when we love ourselves the way we are.
Try to see yourself the way you really are, but with love, not disgust. I'm sure if I knew you in person, I would think of you as the person, not you as your weight. So, be that good a friend to yourself.
07-16-2010, 11:13 AM
These lovely ladies have given you such great things to think about. I just wanted to post to tell you to hang in there! :hug: I think you're being very hard on yourself, trust me I know ALL about that myself. Anyway, we're all glad that you are part of this community. It is very difficult to come here when we feel we are faltering, but we need all sorts of opinions here, not just those of people losing consistently. That said, I believe you can totally do this. There is a reason you are sticking around. You haven't given up!
I'm rooting for you :)
07-16-2010, 11:22 AM
Snowbound, I can sort of relate. I've known I needed to lose weight, but I was in denial about just how BIG I really was/am. I remember seeing my first "really fat" picture and not really recognizing myself at first. Denial is a strong thing. You are in the right place though and girl, you have lost 24 pounds already! That is so great. Just keep coming back, take things one day at a time and seek support here. You can do it!!
07-16-2010, 02:10 PM
Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments. It's so hard when struggling to get back to it, I know that I will keep coming here and it'll click again, I'm going to write down my goals and work on a menu plan for the next few days, my garden is starting to produce some nice veggies now so that will help.
I've been super weepy the last few days and this brings my harsh feelings on myself out, but you all just reminded me why I'm here. thank you.
07-16-2010, 04:58 PM
a quickie before I head home. My view of myself morphs all the time, from hey, sexy chick! to wow, you are BIG! it's bizarre. and can be depressing. I keep coming to read and post, and I've been up and down from life stuff, it really does help me get my mind and thinking in the right place, and not to keep GAINING until I get completely back on track. you're not alone.