Weight Loss Support - My dad thinks I am sick...grr




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sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 01:16 PM
I just need to rant somewhere so I can let this go :mad: I mentioned before that my dad doesn't understand my weight loss and he is not very supportive of me. In the beginning he was impressed that I lost some weight until I lost about 40 pounds. In his mind that was more than enough and now he thinks I have taken it way too far. I hate to think what he is going to say when I reach my goal weight. Now every time he sees me he asks what is wrong with me, maybe I am sick. He keeps telling me I shouldn't lose any more weight and I should have a round face like everyone in the family does. They are all chubby on his side of the family. Now he thinks I am really sick because my hair is falling out (see my other thread) and he doesn't get it that I am actually trying to lose to become healthy, not sick and "skinny"

The thing that hurts the most is that he keeps comparing my to my mother. She is short and very tiny, like 98 pounds. Long story short, my mom basically abandoned me as a young child and my dad raised me. She caused a lot of problems and grief for me and my dad. We can be friendly and talk occasionally, but that's it. I have a lot of bad feelings towards her. When my dad says I am going to look like her and I am trying to be skinny like my mother, its like a stab in the heart.
I know deep down that my dad is not trying to hurt me. He has been my only parent all my life and he is looking out for me but its hard to deal with him sometimes. He is not the kind of person who I can sit down with and have a heart to heart talk. He is not like that and he doesn't like to be questioned for anything he says. I love my dad and have a lot of respect for him for raising me, its just hard that he is not proud of my weight loss anymore.

Thanks for listening :^:


sprklemajik
07-14-2010, 01:22 PM
I've got to tell you, you look great. You don't look sickly!

Now, so what I've resorted to- because at 220+ lbs, I don't want anyone telling me that I've lost enough weight (and I've heard it multiple times). "Oh, I'm not really worried about the weight anymore, I've just been eating healthy and exercising."

astrophe
07-14-2010, 01:30 PM
That's a shame that he isn't supportive. It sounds like it is alien to him if all his family is chubby.

You are pretty close to goal. Why don't you tell him you are done now and see if that gets him off your case?

Then maybe you can quietly fine tune without all this fussing from him?

A.


Gold32
07-14-2010, 01:34 PM
Wow. I was going to say that dads can be dumb (mine is) when it comes to weight, but then I got to that last part. If your mother is a sore issue, then throwing it around is a MEAN spirited thing. That isn't constructive help or concern, it's just an attack.

He doesn't like to be questioned? Why, because he's always perfect? Sorry, the over-bearing, I'm always right, don't ever question me, parents REALLY annoy me. But that's a different rant. The point is, just because he is your dad and you appreciate everything he's done for you, doesn't give him the right to emotionally harm you. Personally, I'd let him know that comparing you to your mother is out of line, and that you are losing weight for your own well-being, it has nothing to do with her. But I know family relationship can be really hard, so I'll give you a hug :hug: and hope it all works out.

Don't stop now! You're doing great! If you have to ignore him completely, then that's what you have to do. I'm sorry he's not being supportive.

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 01:59 PM
Thanks everyone :^: It helps to know that people understand. I agree that being thin is kind of "alien" to him because I have always been chubby since I was 4. I think this is the thinnest I have ever been since I was 11! My half sister and step mom are big too. He got re-married 10 years ago. My dad has been on the thin side before and he is is not overly big, just chubby now. Its weird to hear him say I look skinny because to me, I still have a long way to go and I don't see a thinner girl when I look in the mirror. My brain is doing that 'catching up" thing and it drives me nuts :dizzy:

maybe I should tell him I am done losing and see how that goes. He only sees me once or twice a month so when he does, he really notices the changes. It could backfire though because he will see me even thinner even though I am supposed to be done losing, then he will really think I am very sick...men :?:

I am going to let it slide this time but if he brings up my mother again, I will have to say something. Its a hard and touchy situation. I don't want to hurt him.

Thanks again for the support :hug:

Jura
07-14-2010, 02:09 PM
Hey Sweetnlow28,

Could it be that you resemble your mother, and as you become healthier, he sees more of her features in your face? If so, then this may be bringing some unconscious issues forward.... subtle reminders of the pain you and he suffered from your mother's behavior. If you think that might be a possibility, you may find it helpful to tell him directly, - hey Dad, my new weight will not make me like my mother....or something like that.

I also suspect, that he will adjust gradually to this new you. In general, men don't like change.

I wish you well!

Jura

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 02:14 PM
Hey Sweetnlow28,

Could it be that you resemble your mother, and as you become healthier, he sees more of her features in your face? If so, then this may be bringing some unconscious issues forward.... subtle reminders of the pain you and he suffered from your mother's behavior. If you think that might be a possibility, you may find it helpful to tell him directly, - hey Dad, my new weight will not make me like my mother....or something like that.

I also suspect, that he will adjust gradually to this new you. In general, men don't like change.

I wish you well!

Jura

That's a good thought but NOPE, I look nothing like her. There is a joke in the family that my dad gave birth to me LOL because I really look like his side of the family. The only thing I got from my mom was her height. I have a large bone structure like my dad, high cheek bones, hair color etc. My mom is very petite, pretty and blonde. I took a picture to school once as a child. It was from when she modeled a bathing suit for a newspaper ad. Everyone teased me and said it wasn't really my mom.

souvenirdarling
07-14-2010, 02:37 PM
Maybe you could take your dad with you to the clinic or doctor's office or nutritionist, where you can BOTH weigh in, discuss eating habits, BMI and healthy ranges of weight.

It might be psychological issue on his part - like he's afraid you getting thinner = you leaving, or something.

1bighog
07-14-2010, 02:39 PM
Maybe a long shot, but I wonder if he's jealous in any way of your weight loss? Like maybe he thinks you're ashamed to look like his "chubby/round face" side of the family and thinks you want to look more like your "pretty" mom. (You are beautiful, btw!)

You know, my mom has harped on me about my weight for forever (even as a child, I have always thought of myself as fat because of my mom and it wasn't until I was a grown adult that I realized I wasn't) yet when I lost almost 30 pounds a few years ago, she began acting weird. Like she'd buy me size 12 clothes, knowing I wore a size 6. Parents!

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 04:57 PM
Oh My gosh, You know what I noticed :o I was really thinking about what Jura said. Maybe I am starting to look more like my mom! My features have always been buried under all this fat for most of my life and I really do look like my dad's side of the family BUT, after looking at the few pictures I have of my mom when she was younger, I see some resemblance. I am not sure how I feel about that. I think she is pretty but I am not sure I want to look like her. That would explain some of my dad's feelings and I will have to talk to him about it.

He did call later today to kind of apologize in his joking way. He said he is proud of me but worried about my health and doesn't want me to "take things too far" which means losing more weight or being as thin as my mom. I did mention to my step mom the other day that I have been tired and I am losing a lot of hair. She must have told him. We have a family history of cancer and I think he has been worried, for nothing I am sure but as a mom, I understand that. I am really going to try to post a picture of me and my mom side by side. I have to use my scanner first. I need an honest answer if I look like her or not ;)

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 05:00 PM
Maybe a long shot, but I wonder if he's jealous in any way of your weight loss? Like maybe he thinks you're ashamed to look like his "chubby/round face" side of the family and thinks you want to look more like your "pretty" mom. (You are beautiful, btw!)

You know, my mom has harped on me about my weight for forever (even as a child, I have always thought of myself as fat because of my mom and it wasn't until I was a grown adult that I realized I wasn't) yet when I lost almost 30 pounds a few years ago, she began acting weird. Like she'd buy me size 12 clothes, knowing I wore a size 6. Parents!

I don't think he is jealous, but I know my step mom (his current wife) is. It is disappointing because she is the only thing that resembles a mom in my life. We are closer now that we were when I lived at home but I can only tolerate her in small doses. She is kind of a strange woman LOL

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 05:46 PM
Here are the pictures as a follow up to my second last post. Does anyone else see any resemblance? I still have more weight to lose off my face though. I don't have very good pictures of my mother. These are the best I could find. I think I look like her in the third picture. It is the only picture I have of me with both of my parents. I included one of when she was about 42 as well. She ages well and looks young. I think I have that trait from her as I am 29 and get mistaken for 19-20 all the time, its annoying but I will enjoy it later in life ;) Those are my children when they were young. The last one is of me and my dad when I was younger. You can see where I get my looks LOL.

westernsoutherngirl
07-14-2010, 05:48 PM
Hmm the relationship stuff is complicated. Hang in there! Would it help to show him the BMI chart or other info showing that the weight you are now and the goal weight you have picked are perfectly within normal limits? That way an "expert" is saying you are right instead of challenging him. You look terrific by the way. Change is really hard for some people!

bama girl
07-14-2010, 05:58 PM
I had this issue with my parents, although it stemmed from somewhere different. My parents basically accused me of returning to anorexia when I started losing weight and told me I was "too skinny" even when I was still classified as "overweight". I understand how the whole family being a bit on the chubby side affects parents because I have always been the smallest person in my family. It's just that they aren't quite used to seeing someone thinner all the time.

I finally had to call my parents out on it and tell them that I have worked very hard to lose my weight in a healthy and sustainable way, and that when they made remarks like that, it discounted all the hard work that I've done. I also told them in no uncertain terms that my doctor and I know exactly where I need to be right now, and my doctor's advice was all that I was going to take in terms of where my weight needs to be. It seemed to work.

QuilterInVA
07-14-2010, 06:27 PM
I see you said your hair is falling out. Sounds like you need a more balanced diet with more good oil each day. It is not healthy for your hair to fall out.

Weight can be a cultural issue, too. I think the fact that your mother was thin and caused all this grieve is influencing your Dad. How old is he?

Lewisempire
07-14-2010, 07:20 PM
Sweetnlow28- I think Jura was on to something, when I first read your post my thought was...Your Dad thinks if you get skinny, you will "abandon" him like your Mom did. I am not saying it is a rational thought, but sincerely, Our parents can harbor the same insecurities as young people. Especially, if they are not the type to seek out help, councelling etc. I do think you ought to see a doctor re your recent hair loss. It may just come down to stress, or genetics. But I think you should find out if there is a treatment to reduce or reverse your hairloss before you lose anymore. Oh, and give your Dad, a big hug and tell him "No matter how much weight I lose, I will never be like she was" Good luck, and PS, I do see some resemblence to your Mom, but like you said, you look a lot like your Dad.

SarahD140
07-14-2010, 08:05 PM
You do look a bit like your mom, I would say in the eyes and nose. and that will probably get more and more pronounced. This is a tough situation. But a great topic. Thank you for being so open with it. I am willing to put money on most of us receiving comments from family members or friends for a number of reasons.

Your situation is a deep one. But not unsolvable.

Eliana
07-14-2010, 08:50 PM
Now, so what I've resorted to- because at 220+ lbs, I don't want anyone telling me that I've lost enough weight (and I've heard it multiple times). "Oh, I'm not really worried about the weight anymore, I've just been eating healthy and exercising."

My mom has been bugging me too and I know it's because I'm her baby girl and she has always seen me as beautiful even as I ran from cameras. ;) She was thrilled with my first 40 pounds and from there has told me to stop. I used to fight her...now I basically say, "I'm very happy where I am and am just continuing to eat healthy and exercise."

It's the words "I'm happy" that she needs to hear. Maybe your dad is the same?

fatmad
07-14-2010, 10:05 PM
so many of us get some negative comments from others and they can be a real PITA, but from loving family members the comments are more difficult to take. You will simply have to be strong. I think telling him you are done and that your body is getting used to the weight changes and "settling" is a pretty good idea. I don't blame you for not wanting to back talk to your dad, its obvious you two are really close and your love and respect for him is so strong. But, letting him know that you won't become more like your mother may need to be said if he brings it up again. I am sure you can do this in a gentle loving way. I am glad to hear he called to apologize, he sure doesn't consciously want to undermine you, but he doesn't really get it.
keep up your great work.

Luna1982
07-14-2010, 10:16 PM
The thing that hurts the most is that he keeps comparing my to my mother. She is short and very tiny, like 98 pounds. Long story short, my mom basically abandoned me as a young child and my dad raised me. She caused a lot of problems and grief for me and my dad.

I completely understand. Hang in there, girl.

sweetnlow28
07-14-2010, 11:22 PM
I am glad to see more replies, it means a lot. As for the hair loss, I am looking for a doctor asap. There is a shortage in our area. I may have one in a couple weeks when she starts taking new patients again. Here is the thread I made about my hair. It looks pretty bad in the pictures but I am learning to comb it in a way that it doesn't show so bad. I am really worried about it though.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/body-image-issues-after-weight-loss/206998-losing-hair-badly-picture.html

I think I will have to have a talk with my dad about not turning into my mom. It's not that she abandoned him and he really can't stand her for a lot of reasons, it's pretty complicated. I know that she is part of the problem but not all of it. I may tell my dad that I am settling into my weight now and just eating healthy. I will see how that goes ;)

KayNicole
07-15-2010, 12:03 AM
Oh My gosh, You know what I noticed :o I was really thinking about what Jura said. Maybe I am starting to look more like my mom! My features have always been buried under all this fat for most of my life and I really do look like my dad's side of the family BUT, after looking at the few pictures I have of my mom when she was younger, I see some resemblance. I am not sure how I feel about that. I think she is pretty but I am not sure I want to look like her. That would explain some of my dad's feelings and I will have to talk to him about it.



That was going to be my first question, do you look like her. Because if you did he might start to see more of her in you and have conflicting feelings. I am glad to hear he apologized. I think you look great and have come a long way. Good job!

synger
07-15-2010, 12:28 PM
Another thing that may be coming into play is that he needs time for his mental picture of you to change. He has an internal picture of you as heavier, and so it seems like a shocking change when he sees you now. As his "memory" of fat-you fades and is replaced by "healthy-you", it may be easier for him to accept "slender-you" when she comes.

synger
07-16-2010, 10:04 AM
I thought the same thing when I saw Alton Brown in the new season of "Good Eats". He's lost about 50 pounds, and it makes a striking difference. My first thought was "Oh, my! I hope he's not sick!" But when I looked him up online it specifically said that he had dieted off 50 pounds.

The difference was amazing. And until I get used to the more slender, craggy Alton, he'll probably continue to look a little ill to me.

But soon enough, that will become the new "normal" in my mental Alton-picture.

leopardspots
07-16-2010, 11:57 AM
My dad always got cranky and would make comments about me being too thin or losing to much weight when I was doing it in a healthy way and was still overweight. I would get comments about developing an ed or being anorexic when I was 140ish! I honestly think there were 2 reasons.

1. He was really overweight himself and had terrible eating habits. He may have saw my change in lifestyle as a rejection of his lifestyle and habits/rejection of him.

2. As I got slimmer, I got more attention from men. Some fathers never want us to get any attention from men, except themselves. They don't want us to grow up either.

I don't think he was so concerned about my heath, but the changes. But you say your hair is falling out and there is a history with your mom, so maybe he does have genuine concerns or there are other factors.

However, I think that male family members make comments or feel uncomfortable with a women's weight loss sometimes because it can be very empowering and they subconsciously feel a loss of control or influence. (And no, its not because men are chauvinistic pigs, but because of biological urges and they way we are socialized to have gender norms)

So, don't be discouraged. Just remember, you are changing the status quo, and that makes people uncomfortable even when they are supportive. Keep up the good work!