General chatter - I love him - Should I say it? lol... just want opinions




icmethinner
07-06-2010, 04:32 PM
:?:
I have been dating someone for a few months who is ten years younger than me. We have taken things very slowly, but he is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. We think so much alike, generally agree on almost every issue that we talk about, had similar childhoods, never run out of things to talk about, and have some amazing chemistry. Lately he has been saying things like, "I sleep with your pillow when you aren't here because it smells like your perfume." Or always telling me what an awesome person I am, telling me he has never had anyone be as nice to him, saying that we have a great connection and that it is way more than friends. That he is very glad he went to the place we met that night, etc. Over the weekend, he was leaving and said, "be good, I love you." I wasn't sure if he meant to say it or if he slipped and said it... I have said that to coworkers on the phone out of pure habit before... so I didn't say anything! I did see him a day or so later and he was very sweet and affectionate still. I do love him but have been scared of chasing him away. I know it sounds juvenile to be asking this on here but it is making me crazy. We had a text conversation today, and I asked him today if we could talk in person today or tomorrow - he said tomorrow is good. I said, nevermind I think this weekend is fine. (I'm chickening out). He said that was fine but tomorrow was good for him. Then he asked if I have something important to talk about. I said it is nothing bad, and that it can wait, and that I am probably not brave enough to say it anyway (so this probably gives it away I think). He texted, ok..lol. Then he texted again... "Sometimes you just have to take a chance, so..." I thought that was an open invitation for me to say how I feel, but now one of my friends says he may just want to know what I am thinking. Should I just wait and see if he says it first? I'm head over heels and might have PMS today so I am probably overly emotional. I don't want to screw this up. I have not been single that long and was married 15 years. I dated someone for 7 months and it turned out to be a bad relationship. This guy is so very nice, I just want to do things right.


m3rma1d
07-06-2010, 04:47 PM
Say It!!!!

ThicknPretty
07-06-2010, 05:24 PM
I’m a firm believer in saying what you feel. So if you really, really, really feel that way…say it.

However, I also think that sometimes we trick ourselves into feeling things that we WANT to feel or think we should. I personally believe that love takes some time to develop and that's why it's best to hold off on saying it for a while...juuuust to make sure!

Glad to hear things are going so well for you in your relationship!


bandit2
07-06-2010, 05:42 PM
Tough call, but I would wait until he said it again then let him know at that time. Good luck.

icmethinner
07-06-2010, 08:10 PM
I think maybe I won't say it just yet. I want to see if he meant to say it the other day. Now that he said, "sometimes you have to take a chance" I know he knows I am thinking it, so if he wants to say it again, I will wait and let him. :)

kaplods
07-06-2010, 08:39 PM
"I love you," means different things to different people. But on my personal intimacy scale, "I sleep with your pillow when you aren't here because it smells like your perfume," ranks much higher than a simple "I love you."

My personal guess is that it's fairly unlikely that this is a guy who's going to be scared off by you saying "I love you."

I think that's what scares people most about the words, is that they're not sure how to take them. What does the person really mean, and what do the words signify to him/her... what sort of commitment strings are attached...

If you're not ready to say it, you might consider something like "I think I might be falling in love with you."

But since he's not only said it straight "I love you," but has also said it in other words, I don't think you have to worry to much about being the one to "say it first." Not only has he said it first, he's said it in a lot of ways (as I see it).

To me (again my personal barometer), I think "I love you," often has less meaning than "I love x about you." I've dated guys who talked of love way too early, and that was a bit creepy. Although an "I love your eyes," or " I love your laugh," was welcome even on a first date.

I dated one guy who couldn't say "I love you," without his face turning bright fuschia (which he hated, so he rarely said it. Sometimes when I said "I love you," to him he'd even blush). He was better at the "actions speak louder than words" - loving gestures more than words.

I think "the words" and the timetable for them are important to some people, and not to others. Use the words you're comfortable with, but from what you describe of him, it's hard to believe that he'd be scared off by an admission of stronger feelings. Whether you want to say "I love you" or want to talk about what you love about him first (or even instead), I think really is a matter of your own comfort level.

icmethinner
07-06-2010, 10:04 PM
I hadn't thought of it that way - the things that he has said are even better than saying I love you. And in fact I have been saying the same kinds of things to him. I have said, "I feel so lucky to have found you!" and he will say, "me too!" and I have told him he's the most awesome guy ever, that no one has ever been as nice to me, and what a great person he is. (This is getting so mushy I'm probably making some of you sick - lol - sorry) And he has said how great it is to have someone who doesn't complain and lets him be himself and I said that I want him to do what he wants and needs to do, and we both have said how glad we are to have someone who also lets us each have time with our friends and family without complaining. I've told him I love lots of things about him... I can't even remember all the things I've told him I love :) So I guess we have already said it, you're right :)

icmethinner
07-06-2010, 10:11 PM
Saying,, "Sometimes you just have to take a chance, so...." kind of puts me out on a limb without really giving me the answer. ;)

gonnadoitthistime
07-07-2010, 02:20 AM
NO, no no no no no. Read up on men and control issues, trust me, don't say it before he does.

icmethinner
07-07-2010, 09:43 AM
So even though he said it first (though I am not sure if he meant to) and even though he said "sometimes you have to take a chance" you think I still shouldn't say it? I am not sure if that counts as first. But I am leaning more and more toward holding off on saying it and letting him say it.

EZMONEY
07-07-2010, 10:34 AM
If you need to ask here IF you should say I love you to him you shouldn't!

don't give the guy false hope....and as you say it's only been a couple of months....

way too early IMHO to tell someone they love them...

not that you don't!...but maybe a little more time will secure that thought for you.

Good luck on your relationship.

gonnadoitthistime
07-07-2010, 02:28 PM
Let him know you care by the way you behave, let trust build, if he says it again and means it the way you want him to, you will know it, and if at that time it seems like the most natural thing in the world to say it to him, then do. Be in the moment, you can't plan this stuff or get a consensus as to what to do. It needs to be an expression of what you feel consistently, not a passing emotion or an attempt to get some emotional reward or to move the relationship to another level.

MissKelly
07-07-2010, 02:55 PM
If there's one thing I've learned about men all these years...is to NOT be the first to say ILY. Blow away the fluffy cupid clouds & sugary hearts to see it clearly...it tends to put you at a disadvantage as a female. I'm sorry, but the one who cares the least almost always has the most control. In addition, men are much slower at processing their feelings than we females are. I'd wait for him to say it again...seems like his saying it without being consistent is a bit odd, IMO. If he meant it...you'd KNOW it. No guesswork involved.

"Sometimes you just have to take a chance" ... great, so let him eat his own words and take the chance & work for you. Allow the masculine to woo the feminine. Have fun being pursued. Have some game & don't be so eager to let it all hang out. When a man says it without being led or prompted perhaps out of return obligatory reasons, it means more. Fact or not, no matter...just my opinion. Wishing you two much happiness!

jigglefree
07-07-2010, 08:29 PM
Have you spent time with each other's families and friends? Get past the goo goo gaa gaa stages and get to know each other. Because everything is cute and lovely in that stage. How is he when he's angry? Have you gotten into disagreements? How is it handled? What kinds of things do you talk about?

I'm one for keeping stuff in the open so everyone knows how to conduct themselves. If you love him tell him. If that runs him off he needs to be gone. If he isn't ready to go all in you can talk about that too. Ask him why he told you he loved you when he did. Be an adult about the relationship. Don't play games...it takes too long to establish a real trusting relationship. When I met my husband I was 43 and had NO time or interest in meandering through any relationship. If we are going to be in a relationship we need to be working towards something but I was not going to be just marking time just to say I was in a relationship. It just so happened that my husband was the same way. He's 12 years younger than I am and I have not met a more wonderful MAN. So like he told you, "sometimes you just have to take a risk". As my mom said, Love is a risk with no guarantees. Just be upfront and if it works great if not you will know sooner than later.

MissKelly
07-08-2010, 03:59 AM
But what do I know? I first told my boyfriend I loved him when I was drunk and puking in the toilet. Then I followed it up with "No I don't. I'm drunk." I'm romantic like that.


ROFL!!! :lol: Now that is just too funny....

icmethinner
07-08-2010, 06:37 AM
Brown, that just might be the solution I'm looking for...lol....minus the throwing up part! Can I just say, "I love you, no I don't I'm drunk" ?

kaplods
07-08-2010, 03:55 PM
Even if you believe that "the woman should never say it first," it really doesn't apply to this situation, because he already has said it, and not just in using the simple three words, but also in more poetic ways too.

Do you owe him an "I love you," just because he has said it? Or do you have to hear it x number of times before you say it? (Is there some "magic" ratio of female I love you's to male I love you's?)

Certainly not! But, it isn't the words "I love you," that scares men or women off when it's said "too early." It's the perceived imbalance in the relationship. One person trying to invest a lot more, or a lot less into the relationship.

Nothing ends a relationship quicker than that imbalance. Are you pushing the relationship, or are you putting a lot more or a lot less into the relationshp than the other person? If you're well-matched, and putting in about the same amount of effort (not just words) and seem to be getting similar amounts of enjoyment from the relationship, that is something to build on.

It's not the saying "I love you" (first) that scares people (not just men) off - it's the imbalance. If one person is trying to slow down the relationship and another is trying to steam roll it ahead, that's a relationship that isn't going to work.

It's not a "game" either, and it's not restricted to one gender. Pushing a relationship ahead of it's natural progression will creep out male or female. My sister dated a guy who said "I love you," on the second date and asked her to marry him after less than two weeks of dating. And when she said "No let's take it slow," he bought her an engagement ring less than a week after that. When she broke it off (no surprise) he became her stalker. His "stalking" relationship with her lasted about 10 times longer than their actual relationship.

I don't think it's the "power dynamic," as much as it is people (the sterotype is men, but it's really true of anyone)not liking to feel pushed into a relationship they're not ready for.

There's no magic in saying or not saying the words, it's a matter of the equality of the relationship. There are folks who never say "I love you," but mean it, and there are people who say the words and don't.

I agree that if you don't feel ready to say the words, then don't. But more importantly, pay attention to what you're giving and getting out of the relationship. If there's a huge discrepancy, then it's time to talk - about that. Most people don't want to be in an unequal relationship. Feeling like you care a lot more for the other person than he/she does you is no fun. But its no fun being on the other end either, when a person wants a lot more from you than you're willing or ready to give.

MissKelly
07-08-2010, 10:52 PM
Brown, that just might be the solution I'm looking for...lol....minus the throwing up part! Can I just say, "I love you, no I don't I'm drunk" ?

I know for sure that I'm tucking that one in my back pocket for a rainy day! Just think of the variations we can play with that stem from that. I love it! It's like a "Get out of jail free" card. :D

Natasha1534
07-08-2010, 10:58 PM
I think there's middle ground here that can be used. First off, if he didn't say it accidentally I would think his feelings would be hurt if you didn't at least acknowledge it. I don't see a problem w/ you telling him that it caught you off guard when he said it the other day and you were curious as to whether it was accidental or if he really meant it. You don't have to say "I love you" back, but I don't see anything wrong w/ telling him that you are developing strong feelings for him that you think could eventually develop into love and that you hope it doesn't scare him away. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk about things and see what you both think. Him telling you that sometimes you've got to take a chance, to me, is him hoping that you're going to say it.

dragonwoman64
07-11-2010, 05:56 PM
say it when it feels comfortable and natural to you. if you're feeling awkward and nervous, then I'd think there's something making you feel it's too soon or "forced". what's the rush.

Wysteria
07-11-2010, 06:34 PM
Personally I wouldn't say it but then that's because I'm an old cynic and the last guy I said 'I love you' to then went about psychologically destroying me for four years. I am never going to tell another man that I love him again because it just ruins things. I'm never going to have another relationship again because I don't trust any man not to act like a complete idiot. And besides, they're all just a bunch of big children that, once you're with them, you have to do everything for and they complain when you don't.

Plus they think with their wahey-sticks and not their brains.

Yeah, ignore me, I've been burned too badly to ever fall for this gushy 'love' stuff. If it feels right to you, then say it. I'm just saying, be SURE that you want to and be SURE that he's the one, because if he isn't, then your life may well be ruined.

Cali Doll
07-11-2010, 07:14 PM
If there's one thing I've learned about men all these years...is to NOT be the first to say ILY. Blow away the fluffy cupid clouds & sugary hearts to see it clearly...it tends to put you at a disadvantage as a female. I'm sorry, but the one who cares the least almost always has the most control. In addition, men are much slower at processing their feelings than we females are. I'd wait for him to say it again...seems like his saying it without being consistent is a bit odd, IMO. If he meant it...you'd KNOW it. No guesswork involved.

"Sometimes you just have to take a chance" ... great, so let him eat his own words and take the chance & work for you. Allow the masculine to woo the feminine. Have fun being pursued. Have some game & don't be so eager to let it all hang out. When a man says it without being led or prompted perhaps out of return obligatory reasons, it means more. Fact or not, no matter...just my opinion. Wishing you two much happiness!


Let him know you care by the way you behave, let trust build, if he says it again and means it the way you want him to, you will know it, and if at that time it seems like the most natural thing in the world to say it to him, then do. Be in the moment, you can't plan this stuff or get a consensus as to what to do. It needs to be an expression of what you feel consistently, not a passing emotion or an attempt to get some emotional reward or to move the relationship to another level.


I completely agree with these 2 ladies!

Don't say it now.