So this is a nice little vent session. I think I just want some :hug: and to just get some positive encouragment to counter all the negative things I encounter each day. So here it goes my in-law rant.
I don't even know where to begin with this. It's hurt my feelings for a while and even after the weight I've lost jokes are still being made. I know they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but it is very hurtful.
Growing up my Dad was really hard on me from age twelve on about my weight. He'd call me fat, elephant, chunky, and a slew of other hurtful things, which especially at that time were not true. We've since made our peace with this and though we had some really rough times I am glad to say that we have mended our relationship. That being said family calling me fat or chunky is somewhat a sensitive issue for me.
My in-laws look at weight very differently then my family. They kid or joke about it. If anyone is overweight they affectionaly call them chunky and discuss weight openly. They also call skinnier people in the family "big butt" so it isn't like they are singling out people. So there is that in there defense, but I still have some hurt from things they have said.
Our wedding day I was close to my heaviest around 220 or maybe 225. I had lost some weight for the wedding, but I was still very heavy. I don't think my husband realizes how defeated I felt that day. After the ceremony my mother-in-law went around singing "If you want to be happy the rest of your life marry a fat wife." :( I also overheard her sister, who is around 450 pounds, ask if I was pregnant. I guess her weight shouldn't matter, but I just thought she would have been more sympathetic towards me. I guess not. The whole thing just broke my heart. It hurt because it made me feel like just because of my weight I wasn't good enough. It just mirrored the pain that I've had growing up. Growing up I never felt good enough; especially when it came to men, and looking back I know my relationship with my Father played a big role in my feeling that way. But here it was again when things between my Father and I were much better.
Then the continal little comments. Like at Christmas one year when I was around 200 or 210 my father-in-law dressed up like Santa for our neices and nephews. It was a lot of fun until he came to the part where he was handing out presents and saying nice cute things about everyone. When it came to my turn he said, "this girl ate all my cookies." It's little and I know especially now I should not let it get under my skin but sometimes it does. Worst is when we go over to their home, they offer us food, and when I've eaten the last and someone else comes over they make a big deal about not having any because I ate it all. Again, maybe its just me being sensitive, because they could easily tease my husband about it, but it just hurts. I just feel singled out sometimes. I also feel like because of my weight sometimes they think I'm lazy. It's like we have a 2 hour commute and I work full time. Don't expect me to come home and cook and clean everyday.
My husband doesn't see the pain and I don't really expect him to. His family handles weight very differently then mine and though they've done really unintentional things that hurt I'm very lucky to have the in-laws that I do. Overall, they are very nice. It's another reason I think I really need to let this all go.
Today I'm going to throw away the present that I was given at the Christmas party. Anything that reminds me, or is symbolic of my past weight I just want to let it go.
I think a lot of this is coming up because we ate hot dogs yesterday and even though I only had one bun at lunch with one hot dog I just feel so blah today. I try to eat really healthy and a low-carb diet and things went ok yesterday but the hot dogs just felt like junk food. I should mention that I am very proud of myself that while everyone else was having oreos and ice cream sandwiches I went swimming. I avoided the sweets, but I didn't make it past the corn on the cob. I had to have one.
I'm just so alone in the weight loss process in my family. No one has been heavy like me. Andy's one sister has been a size 6 for years and I'm stuck watching her scarf down pizza, candy, soda, junk food most family get togethers while I'm trying my best to eat healthy and lose weight and I'm still a size 12-14. UGH!
I love my husband but he's just a healthy guy and gets away with eating choclate chip cookies (my fav) before bed and still looking great. If I eat any carbs he gives me a look like I shouldn't because I tell him all the things I am doing, but it stinks because while he's giving me that look he's able to eat cookies, ice cream, ect. I'm so the lone ranger here.
Oh and the last 4 days, even though I've been ok with carbs, I know I've eaten over my calorie alltoment. So-I'll be happy if I come out of this not having gained.
Did I mention I'm in the middle of moving to a new house and fixing it up and trying to box things while I'm writing this!
If you've finished reading this I think you are amazing! :carrot:
Seriously I don't know what I would do these days without my friends here!!!
07-05-2010, 03:32 PM
Oh gosh, I am so sorry. You shouldn't have to ever be made to feel the way those comments can do. Kudos to you though for not letting it hold you back and for pushing on to your goals. You are doing great and I am darn proud of you :D :hug:
07-05-2010, 03:39 PM
Personally, I would make it known that those comments are unappreciated. I'm not saying freak out and holler or act crazy, but how are they going to stop if they don't know that it bothers you as much as it does?
07-05-2010, 03:46 PM
Personally, I would make it known that those comments are unappreciated. I'm not saying freak out and holler or act crazy, but how are they going to stop if they don't know that it bothers you as much as it does?
07-05-2010, 03:55 PM
I'm sorry you had to hear those kind of negative comments growing up-Having gone through a similar thing with my dad I can really relate.
I would take that as a learning experience, and now politely but firmly explain to your in laws that the comments hurt your feelings. Don't feel like just because they're nice otherwise, you have to put up with the commenting.
07-05-2010, 04:06 PM
I am sure they are nice people, but those comments are obviously hurting you. I would agree with the above posters that you need to set some boundries with them about what is acceptable and what is not. You have done an awesome job on your loss and you should be proud of yourself. :)
07-05-2010, 04:22 PM
I don't understand why people think that shaming comments are ever OK. Whenever someone says things like this to me, it sends me right back to when I was a little tiny kid and someone said something deliberately to make me cry. I'm sorry this is how they are being, and I agree--just because they are generally nice people, doesn't make it OK for them to say hurtful comments. I'd let them know that it hurts your feelings. If they're really as nice as you think they are, they will stop.
07-05-2010, 04:52 PM
I feel your pain, but in a different sort of way... My in laws are such unhealthy people (and we live with them, not by my choice) and hubby is too because he's grown up eating the stuff they make. I have thyroid issues and have battled with my weight for a long time, made it down to 150ish, then stopped working at it and ended up around 180. I was down quite a bit when I got married and since then ended up at over 200. I ended up having to tell my mother in law to stop cooking for me and had to get my own butt in gear to make healthy meals for myself. But the problem is they just don't understand that I'm trying to get healthy and lose weight. To them, it doesn't matter.. They think if they go for a walk every night, that's all they need to do to stay healthy, even if they come home and eat a crap load of fattening things all day, every day...
My husband has been supportive for the most part, but refuses to join me in my quest to be healthy. And his parents, just don't get it. So I understand the in-law frustration. It took me quite some time to speak up and let them know I didn't want to be involved in their unhealthy ways, but it was hard. I agree with some of the other people who have posted, I think you may need to speak to them about the comments they're making. It may not make a difference, but at least you'll have tried and for me, it was important to make my feelings about it known.
07-05-2010, 05:06 PM
Great vent! I read every word.
I probably wouldn't say anything, and work instead with my own feelings and thoughts about myself, aiming to become so self-confident and happy with myself that negative comments just slide off. But I'm not very confrontational!
07-05-2010, 06:20 PM
Blab fest. Sorry in advanced.
I understand your pain, too. I got these negative comments all the time from my mother and sister growing up even when I was only 10-25 lbs bigger than them. In front of a group of people, my mom said, "Don't sit on my lap you weigh more than me!" Ouch. I was probably 14. You win, mom!
Now, much bigger than them, I live back with my mother for financial reasons and still get it from her. She also saw I was losing weight, said nothing, but starting bringing junk food home every day. Sabotage much? When my sister visits, it gets worse. She found out I was exercising (from seeing weights lying around) so I told her that I had lost some weight. She said "Are you upset that we didn't notice?" Ouch. You win, sis!
There are always going to be negative people and comments that hit you over the head with a sledgehammer. It's harder when you expect the comments and still must repeatedly subject yourself to them. My advice is to limit the experience as much as possible by removing the dread beforehand. Ever notice how days that start crappy only get worse? A positive frame of mind can help you deal with an isolated negative experience so it doesn't spiral into Murphy's Law. Also, letting it build up is so unhealthy as evidenced by a lot of childhoods. Vent and release. You are not alone - you have your DH and 3fc.
I have to condition myself not to let my family derail the way I feel about myself. But maybe I also need to work on my self esteem so they can't. I try to equate it to conditioning myself not to give food so much power. I don't really need to eat a cookie and even if I do, so what? Does that change my goals and progress? Heck no. I choose how I react.
07-05-2010, 06:33 PM
I'm sorry you have to deal with comments like this. I would be very hurt by them too. I just don't understand why people think it's funny or cute to make nasty comments about a person's appearance. :hug:
07-05-2010, 06:57 PM
You are stronger than you think because no matter how it make you feel you are defending your in-laws but you have to make up your mind IS it ok or NOT that they tease you( because so people think you don't mind the teasing it's just teasing to them they don't know your pain) If it not Tell them how it make you feel and I'm sure they will understand and be more careful of the things they say, If you don't tell them what you been through they will never know and If you need some support went you talk to them ask your husband to come for support went you tell them.
07-05-2010, 07:03 PM
I agree, make it known, you have a lot of sensitivity to stuff like that, and see if that doesn't stop it.
About every body getting away with stuff like that. I have to say this. I am fairly attractive, but i have an issue i have to deal with that many other--not all girls don't. Some women can go without shaving their legs for days and they don't look like a hairy beast, but if i go ONE DAY without shaving you can see the black fuzz on my leg, and it's coarse..and looks like a man's 5 o clock shadow of his beard, and I have to shave my whole leg, not just the bottom half. and if i don't wearing shorts is yucky!
So i used to groan, moan and complain about this and hate being the only girl who had to shave before swimming. or had to shave her thighs for that matter...BUT I've made peace with it and just deal with it! it's my lot in life, it's not susy q's or jane down the lane's, but my lot. And I make do with it.
i noticed when i was in my teens, that my dad could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight and my mom barely ate and gained weight. i just look at the size 6 family members as having that "lot in life". It's not my lot. I have to work at staying fuzz free and I have to work at being thin and trim. But i know others have issues, that I wouldn't want to deal with either.
that is the best advice I can give you. Know what you are dealing with and DO THE BEST you can to overcome it. Don't worry about what others are dealing with. But do make sure--that you let them know it bothers you. Some people think joking about weight is a good coping skill...you obviously don't cope with your weight in that way.
we all have our battles. Just make sure you are fighting yours with your best of ability.
07-05-2010, 07:05 PM
So sorry that you have had to endure comments like this. I would have to say something to them about how hurtful that is.
Wouldn't you love to show them a thing or two? You can lose this weight FOR YOURSELF and I bet they would shut the #### up. Good luck in your goals. We will be here to cheer you on!
07-05-2010, 09:26 PM
Here is a BIG HUG. Lots of people think they can be more free to speak with their families and the stuff that comes out of their gob is dumb. Explaining it literally to them - that you've worked hard to lose weight, that your background and family has handled this so differently - makes you sensitive to these jokes, and if they could please not make them about you. And they you understand they don't mean to really hurt your feelings.
Families are so weird. The things my inlaws say/do/make fun of each others fatness irritates me like mad.
07-05-2010, 09:39 PM
Nice people don't make intentionally hurtful and mocking comments. You're a better woman than I am since you keep going back. After the first time, I'd be avoiding them at all costs. I don't spend my precious time in uncomfortable situations with people who hurt me.
EXACTLY! took the words right outta my mouth!
Yeah, nice people don't say this kinds of things. Express yourself in a assertive way(not aggressive) and tell them how you feel and stick up for yourself. Don't take that kind of treatment. There is no excuse for this behavior. After you do that, try to avoid them as much as possible and if you have to be around them, make your interactions very brief. Don't let them bring you down.
07-05-2010, 09:54 PM
Is there a reason that you and/or your husband haven't told them to knock it the F off? Have you told your husband how bad it makes you feel? I'm of the opinion that, since it's an issue with his family, ideally he should be the one that tells them that it's inappropriate. But if he won't do it, you need to. And once you've told them, you need to institute a zero tolerance policy - the first time they say something like that, you just say "I won't be here while you are being so rude" and leave. If it's in your own house, you tell them they need to leave, immediately, and stick to it. It won't take them long before they get it and either stop, or don't invite you anymore (and do you really want to be invited to a place where people care so little for your feelings?).
07-05-2010, 11:18 PM
I so totally agree with eclipse and energie! The excuses you made for their behavior are way too nice! There is no excuse for this kind of behavior and your husband should say something in your defense! Good luck!
07-05-2010, 11:52 PM
awwwww *hugs* You really need to tell them. You can't continue to be made to feel this way.
07-06-2010, 02:15 AM
Sorry you had to go through that. It's always such a pain and I don't really know that I understand why people do it.
My soon-to-be Mother in law acted similarly to me when we first met. But, at this point I think she was just trying to look for things to pick at me for. She kept telling my SO about how fat I am (she's not even skinny herself) to him, while I was on the phone with him. I think she kind of knew I could hear it, too.
But, I totally plan to lose all my weight and make her eat her words! :devil:
07-06-2010, 05:00 AM
Eclipse is 100% right! Your in-laws are suppose to be adults even though it sounds like they act FAR from it. Telling them will not be easy but to have peace of mind I don't see another way. You owe it to your self. Losing weight and trying to get healthy is hard enough without having to put up with their ignorance. But like Eclipse said saying it in an assertive way and not an aggresive way will get your point across. If your husband can help you with it, it would be most helpful because he is THEIR relation( son, brother) and a comment from him will carry a "punch". Even if you could ask your husband to back you up when you talk to them. It could be as simple as "I agree with her." after you're done stating what you have to say. But if he is not willing or able don't let that sway you. Role play with a friend let them be his in-laws and practice what you will say to them. Have a script in your head ready to go the next you see them. Visualize being calm when you tell them and have your statement ready. I know you can do it!!
Sorry that this is so long but your thread hit a nerve in me for alot of reasons too many to go into now.
07-06-2010, 05:34 AM
I can't imagine putting up with that kind of behavior. You can rationalize it by saying they disrespect everyone else around them, so it's okay to disrespect you too, but if someone, anyone said half of what they say and do to you to me, that would be the last conversation we ever had. I lived a painful life too, but I sure as s**t won't let anyone get me down now. If your husband doesn't have the balls to put a stop to it (which shamefully he hasn't), do it yourself. No one deserves to be trampled on and disrespected.
07-06-2010, 05:54 AM
Just love and support.
I'd say I can't believe that people could be that insensitive, but I've seen it happen too many times. I just hope you can learn to let it roll off your back and always know that you are amazing. Have a lovely day and hope the rant let you let go of things like that that weigh you down.
07-06-2010, 11:48 AM
I agree with everyone that you need to confront and handle the issue. You can rationalize a lot of things, but how you feel is how you feel. My husband does this all the time. I ask if he's mad at me, and he says, "Yes, but I realized that I shouldn't be because you didn't mean it." What?! That doesn't change the fact that I did hurt you. And how am I supposed to avoid hurting you if you don't tell me when I do hurt you?
Here's the thing: you are never going to be magically okay with this. To not say or do anything about it is like saying you're okay with being abused. It is possible to stand up for yourself without being a *female dog* or rude. I would probably wait until they say something and put in, "Ouch. That hurt. I know you didn't mean for it to hurt, but it did." Which can hopefully lead in to, "I don't appreciate disparaging comments about my weight."
This is really going to come down to whether you want to let people hurt you because it's easier than confronting the issue, or whether you want to stand up for yourself, but risk confrontation. You are clearly just like my husband. Extremely nice, giving people the benefit of the doubt, wanting to avoid any type of confrontation, no matter how simple or how deserved. But sometimes, you do have to say, "Enough is enough." I know you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty, but it will pass, and your relationship will be better for it.
07-06-2010, 02:57 PM
First, thank you for all your input and hugs! I appreciate it! It was also really comforting to hear that some others have families that arenít as helpful as they could be with weight loss. My heart goes out to you and itís good to know that even if we donít always get the help that we would like at home we can turn to each other for that help & understanding!
I guess you could say I did the unthinkable. I chose to look at my in-laws as people. Just like me they have their flaws, and they make mistakes. I donít appreciate what they did, and maybe they donít ďdeserveĒ my forgiveness because of how they have hurt me. But today I chose to forgive them. I feel amazing! Itís like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders.
In all reality those comments were made 3-4 years ago. I was holding onto all of that. How silly of me. Iím glad to have just let it go. I should have done this years ago! I mean itís not like I thought about it often, but this weekend I just got reminded of something that was said and when I thought of it all, it hurt. Iím a healthier person then I use to be and I donít want this mental baggage to burden me. So I let it go, and I feel great.
As for in the future if someone does say something, in the moment Iíll express that I donít like that or appreciate it. They may not get it. I know in their hearts they mean it as a joke, and donít realize its hurtfulness, but I have no problem sticking up for myself. Maybe in the past I had a harder time with this, but I have confidence in my abilities to take care of myself.
As far as my in-laws either way I chose to love them, good and bad. My husband and I we go over at least once a week just to visit them. We donít have the ďtypicalĒ in-law relationship. I hang out with my mother-in-law. I actually call her Mom. Sheís part of my family. If I need to I can talk to her, and I know sheíll listen, and care. If my father-in-law says something hurtful I know I can pull him aside and tell him it hurts my feelings and explain my sensitivity to the subject and I know heíd be more then understanding. So if anything is brought up in the future Iíll talk to them.
As far as my husband standing up for me when it comes to his family heís done that in the past. I probably should have mentioned that. It wasnít regarding anything to do with weight, but heís been there for me and spoken to his parents when itís been needed. Heís a good husband and I have good in-laws, they just arenít perfect. Iíll accept them as they are and forgive them when theyíve failed me. In all truth Iím sure with every failure I think they have; I probably fail them or hurt them in return. So I chose to forgive them of their past wrongs and in the future if they say anything that is hurtful Iíll just say ďouch, that wasnít nice.Ē Not to mention I think it is going to become harder and harder for them to make any rude comments as I continue to be fit and healthy.
This weekend was really a big breakthrough for me as a person. Not only by just forgiving those that have hurt me by their rude comments, but really spending some time focusing on my goal.
A bonus to all of this was that while everyone was off eating oreos & ice cream sandwiches after dinner on the 4th I was already in the pool swimming laps. I already chose the healthier option. I actually lost weight over the weekend, which Iím really proud of.
I think an old saying rings true: ďthe best revenge is success.Ē
I plan to succeed in my weight loss and overall continuing to be healthier. I think that by showing my in-laws the respect I have for my body it will help them to not make those rude comments or jokes, and if they do Iíll be there to tell them I donít appreciate it. No husband needed. I got this one!
All in all thank you for all your wonderful comments and help with getting me to where Iím at, and for listening to my vent. I feel so much better and am in such a healthier state of mind! I just feel GREAT!:D
07-06-2010, 03:02 PM
Is there any way you can talk to your hubby and have him talk with his family to let them know how you are feeling? There should be no reason that you have to be subjected to feeling like crap so they can feel better about themselves. It may have started as a joke, but you aren't finding it funny and they should stop.
I had a similar background with weight - brothers and father were incredibly cruel, which is when I packed on the pounds. Now, my in-laws basically have a "if you can do it, then I can do it too." Meaning, you are a fatty and can lose, then so can I. Of course, what can you do? Stand up for yourself! You are amazing and should be rewarded for all your hard work!
07-06-2010, 10:25 PM
Wow. I'm new here but I read your post & have to comment. I cannot believe your inlaw's remarks!! Help!!! I would be very upset, as I think most people would be. It's just completely insensitive and rude, never mind weird. It seems like it's they who are obsessed with food and weight. My ex's family are like that...they comment on everyone else and their weight. It drove me nuts. Like why would you want to judge people on their body size or shape?? Don't get me started on this. Anyway. I don't think your feelings are inappropriate in the least. Somehow you have to tell them to please stop.
07-06-2010, 10:33 PM
I'm so sorry you have to hear these kinds of comments from your family!
I think if I were in the situation, I'd probably not speak up, because I am shy and a people-pleaser... but if you can muster the courage to speak up, that would probably be the best thing for you.
How does your husband feel about your weight, your weightloss plans, and his family putting you down? I feel like you shouldn't go up against your in-laws alone... can you get your husband on board?