Weight Loss Support - Being guilt tripped for losing weight
06-29-2010, 04:20 PM
By my own MOTHER.
We go to the same gym, have the same personal trainer, do the same things. Okay, she's been a bit out of action for a while because of a back problem, but she hasn't put any weight on (well a little, but like a POUND), but the plain and simple fact is we both weigh about the same now, and we started at the same weight.
So when I saw her in the car park at the gym I said to her 'Hey mum guess what, I'm 136 pounds now!' thinking she'd be pleased.
Her response: 'I hate you. How'd you manage to lose that much so fast?' And then she goes off on how she's plateaued while I've been still losing blah blah blah de friggin' blah.
I'm getting sick of talking to her about weight loss and exercise. We started this journey together and at first she was supportive, but now she's just downright competitive. It feels like all my happies are just squished the second I open my mouth to talk about her. So what if I'm a few pounds lighter than you? So what if I'm wearing a size 10 and you're still in a 12? It's not a race or a competition, we're meant to be SUPPORTING each other.
Also, she had a go at me last night because I had *SHOCK* a bowl of Ben & Jerry's. Hello, Mother Nature is visiting, I think I'm entitled. But she was all 'oh you shouldn't be eating that, it's bad for you etc etc', and yet if SHE has some, nobody says a word. She just makes me feel guilty ALL the time for eating anything remotely fattening. And yet guilty at the same time for losing weight.
Gah. Motherrrrrr! I love her but with this whole weightloss thing, she can really get on my nerves. WHY should I feel guilty for doing something I want to do?!
Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.
06-29-2010, 04:52 PM
LOL-- vent away!
06-29-2010, 05:06 PM
Your mom is likely experiencing that it is harder to lose weight the older you get. If I were you, I would continue to support her (because you love her)but let her ask about your success. You can turn to 3FC for support. There are plenty of people here who will cheer you on. Great job on your weight loss! You are so close to your goal!
06-29-2010, 05:15 PM
I completely feel you on this...except my mother has been competing with me since I can remember. I'm sure she is just envious and its much easier for her to jump on you about her insecurities instead of opening up and dealing with them. If it gets bad, you may want to tell her how she is making you feel (that doesn't work with my mom since she knows everything!, but it might with yours.) Try to ignore it and just do what you know is the right thing for you.
06-29-2010, 05:21 PM
Man I probably would have been like thanks for the support mom!
She probably wasn't even thinking when she said that honestly- but I would nicely tell her it hurts you when she says things like that and tell her you thought you were doing this together for support. Remind her you still support her and if she feels she needs a kick in the butt you are there for her :)
That's like my coworker- has tried 3 months to lose weight- hasn't lost a pound and I said "well you are doing something wrong then" and she said "no I'm not I'm gaining muscle..." I didn't even respond after that as she proceeded to tell me she's off to vegas to get drunk this weekend... And she wonders why she isn't losing?
06-29-2010, 05:54 PM
I agree that you should talk to her about it and how it hurts your feelings. She's your mother, so you can't just ignore her, but just because she's your mother doesn't mean that you should put up with her being nasty.
She's projecting her frustration onto you, and regardless of the relationship, that's not okay, and you deserve to be treated with respect (as does she!).
06-29-2010, 06:32 PM
Of course she will not lose as fast, the older you are the harder it is. I am sorry she's being like that. Very few foods are bad for one, little indulgences prevent big indulgences and a bowl of ice cream a month is far from bad.
06-29-2010, 06:50 PM
I just want to say I know where you're coming from...
Because I totally slip into that same mode your mother is in :D
I get so competitive and jealous and, well, angry at my boyfriend when him and I try to do things together that have similar goals. I'm an only child, and I guess I'm a pretty poor sport if I lose. I don't even want to be competitive about it; I hate competitions.
But I still love him, and I'm still so proud of him... I'm just so much more frusterated with my own struggle and, in my eyes, falure, that I forget to not be so selfish. By his success, it's pretty much saying to me that I could have done better. His success kind of... reflects my own falures and short comings.
We're not losing weight together, but there have been other aspects of our lives in which this has come up. I bet you she is so proud, and she might even feel bad about her reactions, but probably feel pretty awful about her own--in her mind--shortcomings.
06-29-2010, 08:27 PM
I've been on both sides of this type of competitiveness, both with my mother and my husband.
When Mom or hubby was "in the lead," every time they bragged about an accomplishment, I wanted to be happy (without any other emotions stirred in) for them, and sometimes succeeded (but usually not). The happiness was alway marred by pangs of jealousy and a paranoid suspicion that just maybe the person was trying to rub my nose in it a bit. And when I complained about it here and on other weight loss sites, a lot of people (trying to be supportive) said I absolutely was right - the other person probably was trying to rub my nose it it (bad Mom, bad Hubby).
And when I was in the lead, and innocently (of course) wanted to share my accomplishments (bragging? Oh no, certainly not me), and Mom or hubby didn't respond as enthusiastically as I'd hope, why they were trying to sabotage me out of jealousy and trying to make me feel guilty, and again my friends online would tell me that of course, I was right - obviously they were just jealous of my acheivements, they wanted to trip me up so they could be in the lead.
If I was cheating and they made a comment, they were being controlling. If they were cheating and I made a comment, I was just trying to be helpful. If I was eating something off-plan in front of them, I wasn't sabotaging them, I was indulging in a planned treat. If they were eating one of my trigger foods in front of me, clearly it was intentional sabotage.
Even when I knew that I said or did something kind of rotten, when I vented online about feeling bad about hurting Mom or Hubby (unintentionally - or even on purpose) - the replies were "perfectly understandable. Dieting is stressful...you were just venting, the other person should have known this was upsetting you, or should have at least been more sensitive about it..."
The truth is it's tough on both sides, and our selfish motivations are wrapped up in our unselfish ones. We can be both proud of and jealous of a loved one's acheivements. We can be both trying to help and trying to sound/feel smart or superior. We can have mixed motivations and make comments that we hope are 90% helpful and 10% hurtful (or any mix of percentages).
The competitiveness of weight loss is difficult to handle perfectly (almost impossible really), and we all mess up. Sometimes it's too sensitive an issue to do "as a team." Hubby and I learned that we have to stay out of each other's weight loss to a much greater degree than either of us wanted to. We wanted to think we could be entirely supportive of one another, but the fact is even when we were trying very hard, it was very hard not to see the other suceeding when we were struggling and vice versa. It was hard to be supportive and feel supported. Sometimes there is no "right thing to say or do."