Weight Loss Support - Boyfriendless....




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Kady1202
06-29-2010, 12:36 AM
I feel like my weight has everything to do with the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I look at girls and I think wow I am cuter than her and she is the one with the boyfriend and not me. I know that is bad of my to think but then I go well she doesn't weight 331lbs. :( I know that I have lost 60lbs and I should be proud of that but it's like I want someone to share it with. I want someone to work out with and push each other. Is that to much to ask for?


neveragainbabe
06-29-2010, 12:41 AM
you lost 60 pounds??!! congrats! the rest shouldnt be too hard now!

honestly girl, what you are feeling is completely normal. but the problem is, you are concentrating on other people before yourself. and in this case, make yourSELF happy first. After you continue losing weight and doing whatever it takes to make you feel beautiful (new clothes, hair style, lifting weights) THEN i think you should start looking for a boy toy! Some of the hottest girls in the WORLD that I know are single! Just please don't become someone's eff buddy! Have respect for yourself!

I'll give you a perfect example here. I wanted to go clubbing a lot this summer and have a crazy social life. BUT i have been sitting at home every day. i CHOOSE to do that, because I don't want to start having that kind of life until i feel 100% comfortable with my body. So I'm gonna lose weight first this summer, and THEN worry about meeting people and stuff. Idk, that's just how I am.

Good luck! :)

Kady1202
06-29-2010, 12:46 AM
You are right about having respect for myself because sometime I don't and I always put people before me.

That is a good idea about the whole clubbing thing. I go with my friend sometimes but it's like I hate going because I always think that I am to fat to go and all of that and I'm not the girl getting the guy to dance with her. OR I get the really nasty creppy guys well becauase that is just always my luck! The last time I went clubbing I sweat my butt off and I think I losted 5lbs that night lol.


Hart
06-29-2010, 01:22 AM
I felt just like you 2 years ago. I met an amazing man who changed it all :) You have to get into a positive place! If you aren't open, confident (at least in some ways) and emotionally available- it won't happen. I hated all those cliches people spouted to me about the right guy and "you'll find him when you stop looking" but you know what? It WAS true. There is someone right for you, you just haven't met him YET! :) Cheer up!

cheerios
06-29-2010, 02:06 AM
hey i don't have a bf and never did, but isn't that a good thing? no one to tie us down? haha just work on yourself and continue to do so and one day that mr.right will come along :) just don't think about it and it will happen

seabiscuit
06-29-2010, 03:32 AM
Hi, I'd like to give your some support! :hug:

I can relate to what you're saying. It's hard looking at other women and thinking that they have a boyfriend when you're single. I try to use that as inspiration to lose the weight and realize that beauty isn't skin deep.

Take care and feel free to private message me.

Wysteria
06-29-2010, 04:49 AM
Sometimes men can be the root of a woman's weight problems though. I have to say that I am much happier being single because it was the relationship I was in that triggered overeating, more specifically the breakup.

Having a boyfriend is not the be all and end all of life. It'll come - there's someone out there for everyone. So just be yourself and who knows, Mr Right may well drop in your lap. Don't be downheartened about it!

renstwin
06-29-2010, 10:14 AM
Remember, you have to love yourself before anybody else will! And I agree with the above post, some relationships can even trigger overeating. Just keep on keepin' on being you, and the right person will come along. It might be tomorrow, it might be a year from now...

Best of luck to you, and congrats on your pounds lost so far!

annie175
06-29-2010, 10:19 AM
I have lost 163 lbs and still cannot find a BF.....sometimes it IS weight related, other times, not so much. There are a lot of weirdos out there.

Lori Bell
06-29-2010, 10:27 AM
Oh yea, I agree a lot with what some other chickies have said. I have also read here and other places, about how many guys really despise/sabotage when their girls lose weight. Especially the ones who met and started dating them when they were overweight. (It doesn't always happen, but honestly it happens more than I ever imagined since reading here at 3FC).

Just yesterday a girl was posting about how her boyfriend criticizes her weight loss efforts and makes her feel terrible, says she doesn't sweat enough in her work outs, another poster wrote about how her husband goes on hamburger and ice cream runs... YIKES! Even a maintainer was floored when her husband offered food for comfort after many years at being at goal. Do you really need the aggravation right now? I say skip the man until you are near your goal and buy a toy ;) There will always be men, but the motivation and commitment you have right now to lose weight might fade especially if you have a not so supportive mate.

Gold32
06-29-2010, 10:56 AM
:hug:

I wanted a boyfriend so bad at one point that it almost hurt. I met my now husband in my first year of college when I wasn't looking for anything serious. I tell people, and it's true, he pitied me (because I was shy) and I thought he was creepy. But what the heck, someone's showing interest, let's just have some fun. Hahaha... not very endearing, is it? Well, we quickly became the couple in the group that was obviously "meant to be." Btw, he was my first, erm, real boyfriend. (But that's a longer story...)

Meanwhile, I have a super skinny, twig of a friend who also met her first boyfriend and now husband about a month before I met mine. Clearly, weight had no bearing on who met who and when.

So I have two points. 1) I agree with the other ladies that even though I completely understand how you are feeling, there are definitely issues that come with relationships and weight loss. 2) It will happen when it's meant to happen. Just be open for it, when it comes. :)

chnkymonkey
06-29-2010, 10:56 AM
Kady,

I just looked at your pics and you are very beautiful. You have made a huge accomplishment already with losing 60lbs.

I will have to agree with the others with not adding the complexity of a boyfriend to the process now. Your weight loss journey should be a very selfiish time for you. Take the time to learn all about you. You will be stronger and more mature in a relationship later when you know what you want.

You should never want to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. And to find someone else who is a match to your current situation of trying to lose weight is so hard. If you want someone to work out with and share your weight loss journey with, find a diet partner.

Stay away from the creeps out there - you know they are only after one thing, and that will not be good for your motivation or your self healing.

BoiseShan
06-29-2010, 11:38 AM
As RuPaul says, "You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else!"

Congrats on your weight loss--you're doing awesome!

Ms GenghisCohen
06-29-2010, 12:04 PM
Kady,

I'm part of the single ladies club, and I know it can be rough seeing other people coupled up and wishing you had the same thing. On the other hand, it's just one of those things you can't force. Being with the right guy is great, but it's not like you hit a certain weight, or look a certain way, and all of sudden are irresistible to anything with a penis.

I try to look at being single as having time to get to know myself as an adult. I figure I have the rest of my life to be someone's girlfriend, or someone's wife. Now is the time to become really secure in my relationship with my self, and not be defined by anyone else.

Don't think of those other girls as people who don't weigh 331lbs, but as people who happened to find someone that they click with. You'll find someone too, it's just a question of time and circumstance.

Shmead
06-29-2010, 12:18 PM
I look at girls and I think wow I am cuter than her and she is the one with the boyfriend and not me. I know that is bad of my to think but then I go well she doesn't weight 331lbs.

A boyfriend is not a prize you win by being cute or thin or whatever. There are people that think that way--they are the ones who ALWAYS have a boyfriend, even if they don't particularly like him--but they don't find happiness that way. A romantic relationship can add a lot of joy to your life, but it needs to be about some particular person, not just filling in the boyfriend-shaped hole in your life.

The best relationships are based on wanting to be with someone, but not needing them. Need is pressure--and if you have this detailed image of what a boyfriend would be like, always pushing you into being a better person, you'd put a lot of pressure on a new guy to fill that spot. That's unlikely, in my experience, to go well. Better to be complete in yourself so that you don't have demands, but instead can enjoy everything he brings to your life as a delicious bonus--and he will hopefully see you the same way.

I know that being lonely--and, let's face it, being celibate--really, really sucks, but regretting being alone is MUCH MUCH better than regretting being with the wrong person.

Furthermore, NOTHING screws up weight loss like falling in love. There are several reasons for this:

Falling in love is a total lifestyle change: when and where and why you eat change and if you are not very, very careful you will pick up new bad habits to replace all the new good habits you've cultivated.

It's hard to be very, very careful about your lifestyle when you are having so much fun with this new person. Passing on desert sucked before: passing on sharing desert with this new awesome person seems criminal: it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

It's hard to be very, very careful about your lifestyle when someone is making you feel beautiful and sexy and desirable just as you are.

Chemical BC can make weight loss more difficult.


So I'd try to find other ways to assuage being lonely--and it does really suck--and focus on yourself. You want to be as emotionally and physically healthy as you can be for the day you run into Mr. Right.

Essa415
06-29-2010, 01:20 PM
I know exactly how you feel, I have been single for almost 2 years feel the same way you do right now. I realize though that me being single is my own doing though, I don't go out on a limb with guys and honestly I am afraid of guys that are my typical type (I know its stupid, but its true). When I go out I never make eye contact or flirt because i look around and see all the skinny little girls around and think to myself Why would any guy in here even notice me with all them around??

I think if we just change our attitude about the whole situation you will come to realize that there are plenty of decent guys out there, and one meant for us, but we need to put ourselves out there.

The best relationship advice I have recieved was to stop looking, just have fun, be yourself and when you are content being single and with who you are he will find you :)

ImpalaHoarder
06-29-2010, 01:39 PM
I was wondering the same thing myself a couple of years ago. And honestly, yeah, it's probably part of why I didn't have a boyfriend. True, I was asked out by a long-time friend only after I'd lost 45ish pounds, but here's what else I found out later: that a lot of people had had crushes on me I didn't even know about. In my experience it really doesn't seem to be about being thin and pretty- it's about two people who both have imperfections deciding they like each other enough to give a relationship a spin.

So of course don't get involved for the wrong reasons, but I would bring up one other thing- do you ever ask people out yourself? Because you might be forgetting about shyer people who are maybe too nervous to approach you themselves. So at least I hope it helps your self-esteem to know there are probably people waiting in the wings who just can't get up the nerve to talk to you.

A note: I've always dated good friends. The people I've been interested in and who have been interested in me have always been friends of mine. This advice might be more applicable to situations in which you are dating a good friend. Which, by the way, I would recommend. Dating a stranger just seems... awkward to me. :P

Anyway, good luck and hope you feel better! Focus on fixing your self-esteem by doing things that make you proud. You are not defective! You can do whatever you want to do, and losing SIXTY POUNDS definitely proves it!

graciegoose13
06-29-2010, 03:43 PM
Wow. Thanks for starting this topic. It's one that I can relate to this BIG time.

I'm 21 years old, entering my last year of college, attending a best friend's wedding this weekend, and have never had a boyfriend. Of course this is something that at times bothers me and sometimes, especially when I'm feeling overdramatic and thinking too much, makes me feel like a freak of nature, it's never been a huge deal.

However, starting a couple months ago, mentally I was in a really weird place where I wasn't really feeling like myself. I was on kind of a permanent food/ not exercising bender that last the better part of the year and had landed me a good 15 pounds higher than where I usually am happiest, I had just come from home from an amazing semester abroad back to...well...home (nice to be home, but far less exciting!), and was having a tough time dealing with the fact that a good chunk of my friends had graduated while I was away, leaving me to have to start all over again friend wise in my senior year of college. On top of that, I had an "OMG I'm graduating this year?" moment, and realized I have absolutely no idea what I want from life.

Anyway, about a month ago, I decided I needed to get out of this funk before it got even worse and began counting calories and running again. I also made myself start journaling and blogging, because I realized that, being the private person that I am, I had been holding so much emotion in and couldn't stand it any longer.

Things were going well, and I went on a run one day, maybe about three weeks ago. Running is like therapy for me, so it's during this time that I either sort through things I'm feeling or sometimes just let myself not think about anything at all. During this certain run, I began to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend or anyone really interested in me.

I began to think about how the way I am now makes it so hard for me to take risks, especially in my romantic relationships. I get so embarrassed talking about my feelings, admitting I like someone, making the first move, or even accepting the first move for that matter. I've always known that this has been an issue, but it's one I just figured would go away or just I just wrote off as being the result of not having met someone brave enough to knock down my walls.

And then it hit me. I subconsciously have been denying myself relationships, because I don't fully love myself or think that I deserve love. Sure, I have great friends and family who love me and I love back, but I realized I couldn't imagine having some great guy choose to love me, and only me, in a special way. A great guy wouldn't deserve me. A great guy, the only kind I want, deserves a girl who doesn't have a gigantic belly, back fat, a jiggly butt, huge arms and legs. It all began to make so much sense: why I would push a guys away and not want to talk ever again after only a few dates, why I could never even imagine asking out a guy on a date, why sometimes I look down to the ground everytime I pass a hott guys on the street or at the gym. Slowly I realized that I am not a self confident or self loving as I though I had been in the past.

It's quite a journey to begin to get over this, and to be honest some days it's hard to figure out how to do it. For right now I'm just taking it one day at a time. After all, I am a smart, beautiful, independent woman, who IS deserving of love, whether I fully understand that or not. I just want to be completely convinced of this fact so that when another relationship opportunity presents itself, instead of running from it, I'll be able to embrace it and be able to share a strong, loving partnership with someone, despite of my size.

(Sorry for this going on for so long! It's just has been something I've been dealing with lately, and it felt SO GOOD to share it with you all. You ladies are the best!)

kaplods
06-29-2010, 04:56 PM
I'm not going to tell you that weight doesn't affect your options, but I'm not going to tell you that you can only find love at your ideal weight either.

I met my husband at my highest confidence level, and at nearly my highest weight (we both put on a few extra pounds during the dating phase). We were engaged within four months and married less than 13 months after our first phone conversation.

I placed a personal ad in our local newspaper and on its online site. I wish I'd saved the ad, because it was sassy and humorous. I stated my physical stats (even my weight) and that I was dieting and trying to get healthier, and was interested in meeting guys who had similar issues or was sympathetic to them.

I was open to meeting guys with weight issues, and I only put it in my ad, because I'd read an article that recommended it (because in the plus-sized dating circles, fat women actually tend to be less shy and less fearful of rejection than fat men). I also mentioned the dieting, because a lot of men who have a preference for larger women are just as strict in that preference as men who prefer very thin women.

I had a good response to my ad. Now half were from men so far from my type that I didn't even consider dating them. A few led to online correspondence for a while. One guy seemed really nice, but he admitted that he was 50 not 30, and 5'1" not 6'1" (I was 35 and 5'7"). He claimed the stats in his profile were a "typo." The age and height difference would have been an issue, I won't lie - but the lying about it was a bigger issue for me.

I ended up actually meeting three of the guys from the ad. The last was my husband.

I'll be honest, If I hadn't already half fallen for him in our phone conversations (3 hour conversations every day for the week before we met), I wouldn't have been interested in him. He was very outgoing on the phone, but very quiet in person. But after our quiet, kind of boring first dates, he'd call me to "make sure I got home ok," (I didn't give a complete stranger my address. We met in public places and drove separately for several weeks), and we'd talk for another 3 hours.

If I had met hubby in my early twenties I wouldn't have given him a chance. I often wouldn't date perfectly nice guys (even if I was attracted to them) if I thought their appearance drew attention to MY weight. Really short, or very thin, or very fat guys - guys who were a lot older, or a little bit younger, guys whose job, education or income weren't better than mine... or anyone that people might think "she's only with him because she couldn't attract better."

Even though hubby is a big guy (at the time 6'3" and about 340 lbs), I found him quite attractive (with a biker-viking sort of vibe). His personality was so outgoing, charming and funny that he's attracted and dated women of all body types. I've even had much prettier (or at least much thinner) women flirt with him in front of me (I guess assuming that I can't compete). Hubby's very good at turning them down in a way that embarasses them (one woman tried to give him her number and playing dumb, he suggested she'd "better give the number to my wife, she keeps track of such things." She stomped off, miffed.

Apparently tiny, asian women are especially attracted to hubby, as he's been flirted with outrageously in asian restaurants (it's become a private joke, that he's not "safe" around asian women). I felt sorry for one adorable young lady. Her accent was very thick, so I don't think she'd been in the country very long, and she asked (hopefully) whether we were brother and sister, and when hubby said that I was his wife, her face just fell in disappointment (maybe I'm twisted, but I felt bad for her, rather than jealous. It is a boost to my ego for pretty women to flirt with, and be turned down by my husband.)

I guess the moral of my long-winded story is that confidence is often a lot more attractive than physical appearance. Developing confidence is about liking who you are, exactly as you are (doesn't mean you don't want to make changes, but overall you know that you're worthy of great things now, not just x number of pounds from now).

cheerios
06-30-2010, 06:58 AM
And then it hit me. I subconsciously have been denying myself relationships, because I don't fully love myself or think that I deserve love. Sure, I have great friends and family who love me and I love back, but I realized I couldn't imagine having some great guy choose to love me, and only me, in a special way. A great guy wouldn't deserve me. A great guy, the only kind I want, deserves a girl who doesn't have a gigantic belly, back fat, a jiggly butt, huge arms and legs. It all began to make so much sense: why I would push a guys away and not want to talk ever again after only a few dates, why I could never even imagine asking out a guy on a date, why sometimes I look down to the ground everytime I pass a hott guys on the street or at the gym. Slowly I realized that I am not a self confident or self loving as I though I had been in the past.


i agree with what you say and i can relate to your entire post especially this section as to why i never had a relationship..let alone a first date...i still look at the floor when i see guys and when i see girls who i think are prettier than me i look at the floor as i walk past instead of straight ahead...i know it is doing damage to my self-esteem..i need to work on myself over this summer...sometimes i try to be my own psychiatrist and it works sometimes like i question myself why i do these things and suggest solutions to myself and try to fix my problems to be a better person...sad..but thats what you do when you can't afford a psychiatrist

nelie
06-30-2010, 10:15 AM
Just keep working on yourself and I don't mean only weight wise, like others have suggested, work on loving yourself. I started dating my husband when I weighed 300 lbs and I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time. He basically had to basically tell me "uhh I really want to date you" because I wasn't getting any of his hints. You'd think if a guy was calling you almost every day, you'd think you'd get the hint but not me :)

Anyway, keep doing your thing and don't worry about men too much but I'd also say don't stay at home, get out there, try to meet people in general and see what happens.