Weight Loss Support - people that didn't like you fat...




ringmaster
06-24-2010, 01:08 AM
I was wondering how do the girls here feel about guys that never gave them the time of day (dating wise) because they had weight on, but then when you lost the weight they became interested in you? Like a guy that would come right out and say he wasn't interested in dating because he isn't attracted to overweight women.

I know people say we are attracted to what we are attracted to, and I agree in a way, but at the same time it rubs me the wrong way since I was/am the overweight girl. Even when I am thin, I still feel like the fat girl and will always have to eat like I am on a diet.

Do these type of people deserve our time, or people are people and it's human nature for men to be more attracted to thin women?


Natasha1534
06-24-2010, 01:12 AM
It's funny b/c I just brought this up in the "weight loss confessions" thread in the 30-something area. Part of me wants to find the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day, look them deep in their eyes and work them up, then tell them that since they didn't like me fat I don't like them NOW...and then watch them drop their jaws. LOL

HOWEVER...there was 1 guy, a good friend of mine, that I always had the hots for and he gave me the time of day even fat. Him...him I will track down and impress w/ my new body. ;)

astrophe
06-24-2010, 01:14 AM
Well... unless there are other strikes against the person that are deal breakers to me (rude, lies, cheats, drinks, drugs, etc) I wouldn't hold this preference against them. Could just as well be "Attracted to people in glasses" or "attracted to red heads."

As you say, people are attracted to whatever it is that attracts them. The things that attract them can also change as they age. I don't dig skateboarding teens like I used to when I was 14! ;)

A.


Natalia
06-24-2010, 01:14 AM
I think the type of men who are rude pigs to overweight women, or treat them in an inferior manner, should be avoided once you're at goal. But the ones who were polite and friendly but just not attracted to an obese woman, I don;t think they should be condemned for it.

I think its natural to find someone fitter, healthier more attractive . Look at Mike from this season of TBL. I certainly didn't find him attractive at 520+ lbs. But at 250, he was far more attractive. I don't think that makes me a wicked person, so I can't set a diffeent standard for men.

crimsons
06-24-2010, 01:16 AM
Have you seen the Showtime series, "Drop Dead Diva?" There's a heavy lead actress who's very sexy and has several men after her.

ThicknPretty
06-24-2010, 08:55 AM
I canít say Iíve had this exact thing happen. I donít have any men in my life who werenít interested and now are. I meet a lot more men now and I have a sneaking suspicion that some of them wouldnít have been interested in me 50 pounds ago, but I canít know that for sure.

Iím with the other ladiesÖyou really canít hold it against a guy if he just isnít into a certain body type. There are men who donít like skinny women and we all seem super supportive of that preference, so we canít really hate on them if itís the opposite. Iím not attracted to obese men, itís just the way it is. And a man is certainly entitled to not be attracted to obese women.

But I know what youíre sayingÖit could definitely be kind of offensive if a guy was in your life when you were overweight and didnít show any sort of interest and then once you lost weight, was all over you.

saef
06-24-2010, 09:08 AM
Sigh. I wish my losing weight could have that much of an effect on the larger world. But it hasn't. It's just affected me.

All the immature jerks who were walking around not seeing me or making comments about my weight under their breath to their buddies have not become any more mature or any less of a jerk just because I've made some changes to my body.

On the other hand, men who always got along well with me look at me now like they're really **seeing** me.

And I have a slightly different kind of power in the workplace with male colleagues.

For those who knew me when I was fat, I would say it is not entirely a sexual kind of power. I would say they look at me the way they look at someone who handled a difficult account very well or who turned in an outstanding project right on deadline. Yes, that's exactly it: They see my weight loss effort as my having excelled on a big project that required lots of overtime.

And that's about right. As I've said before, I wish I could put it on my resume: "Project Manager for 100-Pound Weight Loss Effort."

motivated chickie
06-24-2010, 09:14 AM
I don't think I'd date a guy who liked me now that I'm thin. If they put that much emphasis on looks, how are they going to feel when I get grey hair and wrinkles.

In reality, guys don't start liking me because I've dropped 45 pounds. Once I'm in the "friend zone," I stay there and am like one of the guys.

I think we overemphasize thinness as the sole reason guys like us. I dated a guy who wasn't interested in me and I blamed it on my weight. He has a new girlfriend now, who is quite beautiful, but much more overweight than me.

The truth was, he just wasn't that into me.

Gold32
06-24-2010, 09:17 AM
I think the type of men who are rude pigs to overweight women, or treat them in an inferior manner, should be avoided once you're at goal. But the ones who were polite and friendly but just not attracted to an obese woman, I don;t think they should be condemned for it.

I think its natural to find someone fitter, healthier more attractive . Look at Mike from this season of TBL. I certainly didn't find him attractive at 520+ lbs. But at 250, he was far more attractive. I don't think that makes me a wicked person, so I can't set a diffeent standard for men.

I agree with this 100%. Because there is a difference between sexual attractiveness, and how much they like you as a person.

Statistics show that relationships work better and last longer when the parties are of similar body types. It just is how it is. And from a purely biological point of view, you shouldn't be attracted to (want to mate with) heavy people because it shows they are not healthy. We have too much of our survival instincts intact.

Yes, ideally, we fall in love purely over personality. But I'm not there yet. There is definitely a certain point where I would not be attracted to an over-weight man, so how can I begrudge them the same considerations?

All I can say is that I'm glad I met my husband when I was heavy. I don't have to worry about him leaving me if I gain weight in the future (heaven forbid). That would be my only concern with meeting someone who has a low tolerance for weight.

Bombe
06-24-2010, 10:10 AM
I think we overemphasize thinness as the sole reason guys like us. I dated a guy who wasn't interested in me and I blamed it on my weight. He has a new girlfriend now, who is quite beautiful, but much more overweight than me.


I agree that we sometimes overemphasize weight. Because my weight is such a huge issue in my life I just sort of assume that my weight is an issue to other people as well. For some of them that's probably true, but for the rest of them I'm sure they don't put nearly the amount of emphasis on it that I do.

When my ex broke up with me I *knew* that my weight played a part in it because he was always commenting on women athletes and how amazing their bodies are (his favorite was Layla Ali) but his new girlfriend is bigger than me. Go figure. Guess it was just in my head! :p

I don't specifically know anyone that wasn't into me when I was a size 20 but is all over me now that I'm a size 14 but I'm sure it's affected some guys because I have to admit it has affected me the other way around. I have a friend that I wasn't attracted when he was really large (although we were great friends, I just wasn't sexually attracted to him) but then he lost a lot of weight and built up some muscles and now I think to myself "hey, he's pretty fine!" I feel a little guilty about it but I can't change what I'm attracted to, that's just they way it is :)

Beach Patrol
06-24-2010, 10:21 AM
Hmmmm...... all I know is that my husband married 126 pound me, and 17 years later, he's married to 175 lb me.

On the other hand, I married 175 lb husband, and 17 years later I am married to 233 lb husband.

Fat yes - both of us! - BUT... we still find each other very attractive. Would we both feel/look better without the extra weight? sure! - but it's not a deal breaker for either of us. (obviously, LOL!)

RJS
06-24-2010, 11:00 AM
I don't know if I could date someone who I knew felt this way. I would at least be very cautious. The possibility of regaining weight is always there, and what about gaining weight with pregnancy or age/menopause?

People's standards of attractiveness do change with age and with their attachment to their partner, however. So maybe if everything else about the guy was what you wanted, you should give it a shot.

chnkymonkey
06-24-2010, 11:39 AM
Ladies, we are overlooking one essential thing in this thread. Men, (in general) are visually stimulated into sexual arrousal. While women are emotionally stimulated.

In the beginnings of a relationship - men are looking for sexual arrousal first and are looking for that sexual attraction.

Its after they've fallen in love that the weight doesn't matter (as much). That is why husbands and wives can gain weight after marriage and still be attracted becuase the attraction has moved beyond the physical and onto the emotional.

But, if a guy is a jerk, he'll always be a jerk. And if he's rude or mean to someone who is heavy he isn't worth giving the time of day to when thin.

hippy27
06-24-2010, 12:09 PM
I've never been overweight, but still understand this. I have friends(guys) who may have not been disgusted with me at my heaviest weights, but also didn't ever consider me a possible date. Like just cause I had a few extra pounds means you can't take me to the movies! Ugh. But sometimes guys will be guys. They like what they like & we're just as bad. We're more likely to date a guy we're physically attracted to as well.

I also think that a healthy body represents a healthy mind & a positive attitude. Those who love themselves enough to take care of themselves are often found more attractive & perceived to be better care-takers of others.

The funny thing I've noticed is when girls who hated you fat are jealous of you thin. They sometimes even try to be your friend. Sabotage, much? Haha, maybe they're just impressed & trying to pick up on your habits. :D

Beach Patrol
06-24-2010, 12:23 PM
Ladies, we are overlooking one essential thing in this thread. Men, (in general) are visually stimulated into sexual arrousal. While women are emotionally stimulated.

In the beginnings of a relationship - men are looking for sexual arrousal first and are looking for that sexual attraction.

Its after they've fallen in love that the weight doesn't matter (as much). That is why husbands and wives can gain weight after marriage and still be attracted becuase the attraction has moved beyond the physical and onto the emotional.

But, if a guy is a jerk, he'll always be a jerk. And if he's rude or mean to someone who is heavy he isn't worth giving the time of day to when thin.

While I do agree with you, I have to say that as a woman (I'm an EXPERT woman... I've been one all my life, LOL!!) I too am visually stimulated - I've surprised myself by some of the men I've been attracted to, but the attraction part has never failed me. I could never be, nor have ever been, interested in anyone who wasn't attractive to me. No matter how sweet the guy was or how cool or funny or intelligent or rich or whatever... if I wasn't attracted to him physically, it simply wasn't gonna happen.

Some people say that's shallow. Whatever! - I just know what I like! - in the same way that I'll never become a fan of Honeydew melons. I just don't like'm!

caryesings
06-24-2010, 12:37 PM
I've told this story before so for those people who've been on these boards a while, I apologize.

At least in my case, my beau didn't even see me when I was at my fattest. We "met" in a very romantic way when my 50th birthday present was delivered to his house (he lived in the next block). I was @215 lbs at that time and he asked me out for lunch to make a new friend in the neighborhood. He confesses he had no designs on me at the time but by the time our lunch date was over he was very turned on and pursued me intensely after that.

Later he was trying to analyze the attraction and why he had not noticed me sooner in the neighborhood (there's only 1 house between us) when I confessed that we had actually met a few years earlier when I was 50 lbs heavier. He was honest enough with himself to realize that he likely hadn't even noticed me as a woman when I was that big. But I also know I was putting out a whole different vibe at 215 then at 265.

Bombe
06-24-2010, 04:11 PM
While I do agree with you, I have to say that as a woman (I'm an EXPERT woman... I've been one all my life, LOL!!) I too am visually stimulated - I've surprised myself by some of the men I've been attracted to, but the attraction part has never failed me. I could never be, nor have ever been, interested in anyone who wasn't attractive to me. No matter how sweet the guy was or how cool or funny or intelligent or rich or whatever... if I wasn't attracted to him physically, it simply wasn't gonna happen.


I agree 100% I'm visually attracted first and if I'm not visually attracted to a guy it's just not going to happen even if he's the greatest guy in the world.

luciddepths
06-24-2010, 09:04 PM
Beach, amen to that! IF you are not attracted physically it just doesnt happen!


I never understood "hating" a man or a woman because they didnt want to BE with you if you are overweight/obese! i never understood this. If they are friends with you fine thats awesome, but you can't give them Sh!t for not liking your body.

If you have gone and gotten overweight/obese together, thats a bit different or your married..etc. But for someone coming off the street, physical attraction is really what DRAWS you first.

Ookpik
06-24-2010, 11:27 PM
Totally agree with the ones who say physical attraction is very important. If I'm not attracted to a guy, nothing will happen - ever. I might develop an attraction over time, and that's fine, but sometimes, I just know I won't be attracted to a man, no matter how nice he is.

I must admit, if a guy pays a bit more attention to me now than he did before when I was bigger, a part of me thinks, "what was wrong with me before?" I'm trying to get rid of that thinking - I really am. It's just a preference, just as some guys have a preference for blonde hair, long legs, etc. Still hard though. But....if I know a guy who is rude to overweight people, THEN I would have no time for him whatsoever!

SweetTink
06-25-2010, 12:34 AM
Okay, maybe I'm just being mean here, but I knew a couple of guys who I had liked but wouldn't date me because of my weight. When I dropped the weight they all of a sudden wanted to go out with me. Well I agreed to the one guy who had been particularily hurtful and when he came to get me I made sure I wasn't home. :D The other guy I just told to get lost.

Good thing too. I ended up gaining the weight and then some back years later-because I never learned how to handle my weight-and got married to my husband at 225 pounds. Heartbreaking I know. And he's good looking and smart and a catch. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. So since I've been married I've drop a lot of weight and gotten fitter then I have been in years. :)

So in my opinion find the guy that will love you big or little. He's the guy that will love you UNCONDITIONALLY! Becasue what happens if you put the weight back on? Or gain a few pounds back on? It's like his love and affection will be determined by the scale. Do you really want that worry?

It's your decision just know what you are getting into. I understand that sometimes we love whom we love even if they are undeserving of it. That's the beauty of real love, or agape love, but just know what you are getting into. All the best!

:hug:

I hope that helped. :)

2phatinvictoria
06-25-2010, 01:12 AM
Have you seen the Showtime series, "Drop Dead Diva?" There's a heavy lead actress who's very sexy and has several men after her.

I LOVE THAT SHOW!!! and i have been overweight my whole life and never had a problem its all about confidence.. or faking it till you make it:)

tymaboy
06-25-2010, 09:34 AM
In away I dont mind being a bit on the heavy set cuz then you know who the decent guys are.

Before I had my son I was 120-125. I worked in a tavern & all kinds of guys would talk to me & flirt with me. I had a hard time when I was pregnant & gained alot of weight. I went from a size 5 to a size 16. When I went back to work none of those same guys would talk to me, just gave me their order & that was it. It made me so mad cuz I knew why even though I was the same person just heavier. Fast forward several years - I was a single mom & was tired of not going out & didnt want to meat guys in a bar any more (now a size 12) I put an add on the internet. I did not put my picture up & ignored the guys who replyed right away wanting a picture. It was fun getting the relies I did but also kinda creepy with some of them. After a couple months I did not find anyone that tripped my trigger (never met any of them) Right before I deleted my add DH replied, he never asked what I looked like, nor did I, He is the only one I agreed to meet (went to Olive Garden) We drove each drove in case it didnt work out. As you can tell it worked out fine that was 10 yrs ago. My weight has flexuated in these 10 yrs but its nice to know that he fell in love with me when I was already over weight.

ennay
06-25-2010, 11:14 AM
When I went to college I had really short pixie hair. Spring of my freshman year I started growing it out and by the end of fall sophmore year it was just above the shoulder.

My point? My (now) dh lived in my dorm my freshman year and never gave me a glance. Right after Xmas break sophmore year we started dating and have been together for 22+ years. He doesnt like really short hair on women. Just doesn't. I remember having an "argument" trying to convince him that these two actresses were really the same person. I'm not sure he ever believed me. (This was when she was less well known)

http://www.celebrityhairstylesnews.com/blackhairstyles/halleberry2.jpg

http://www.celebrityhairstylesnews.com/blackhairstyles/halleberry.jpg

By the way...even Halle Berry....he thought she was "kinda plain" with the pixie cut.

I guess my point is that initial spark is a funny thing and in the long run less important. It doesnt mean that if you regained weight later someone who loved you wouldnt still. But what causes someone to make the effort to get to know you is really hard to judge.

Now if they are making comments about fat girls in general I would walk away, because that's just rude. And rudeness does NOT go away.

Elladorine
06-25-2010, 11:33 AM
I'm a firm believer that that people often let physical appearance get in the way of really getting to know someone; we are just naturally affected and often follow certain impressions (and even stereotypes) about what we physically see before us.

But I'm a firm believer that attraction doesn't always have to involve some kind of physical spark from the beginning, since my boyfriend and I fell madly in love with each other online. Neither of us were even looking for a relationship and we barely knew what the other looked like when it happened. It was based 100% on personality for us. My painful insecurities and brutal honesty did made me point out to him that I was a heavy girl, but it never mattered to him. :) And let me tell you, the sparks really flew when we met in person, he most certainly didn't care that I was nearly 300 pounds at the time because he already knew the me inside. ;)