Weight Loss Support - BF rant...(long)




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GonnaTurnHeads
06-19-2010, 09:49 PM
I'm sure most people here have significant others, family members, whatever - around you while you are doing this whole weight loss thing.

My bf and I have had a lot of issues about it. He is also significantly overweight. I do not know exactly how much, but I would guess he is near 300lbs, most of it was gained after we got together. He used to be a marine though, and is very workout conscious - and equally skeptical/judgmental/discouraging of my efforts.

Initially, it was an issue of him not seeing progress as quickly as he felt he should. (My diet wasn't right, so although I was going to the gym - eating fast food everyday really inhibited weight loss).

Then, it turned into a communication issue - he was saying that he couldn't be expected to be supportive, or be happy for me fitting into a size smaller, or whatever, if he didn't know ahead of time that I was working towards that goal. (I could come to him and say "wow! these jeans fit me and they didn't before!" and he feels that unless he knew I was trying to do that, he shouldn't be expected to really respond to it.)

So after the last time, I've tried to be very clear cut about my EXACT goals, efforts, successes and challenges - constantly. However, despite the fact that I'm losing inches like crazy, my weight is lower, a bunch of people are noticing that I'm losing weight, he still isn't satisfied. You see, I wear make up to the gym. I have such self esteem issues that I don't feel comfortable leaving the house without some eye liner and powder - If i don't like my body, at least I can try my best to make my face look good! Especially if I am at a gym around a bunch of skinny girls! He takes a HUGE issue with me wearing make up to the gym.

Last night, he tells me "I'm not saying I don't believe you are going to the gym. I'm not saying I don't believe you are really working out as much as you say you are. BUT, you wear make up to work out, you come home 3 hours later and tell me all about how hard you've worked - but your make up is still there. 1.) I've never heard of anyone working out for 3 hours. Only professional athletes and military. You are not in good shape and I have NEVER seen anyone work out like you saw you are. 2.) Your make up is still on your face when you come home and it isn't streaked everywhere and if you are working out, your make up wouldn't be there like it is - unless you are a medical miracle and don't sweat." He insisted that he wasn't telling me he doubted me, he is just "stating the truth and making observations".... I can't help but feel he is undermining me, or... I dunno - SOMETHING.

I explain to him that I AM working out as much as I say I am. I *am* working very hard. I *am* maintaining my heart rate. I *AM* sweating, but I am just not a drip-sweat kind of girl. I get moist, my face gets red, but I don't pour sweat. I doesn't mean I'm not working out at 110% and my make up doesn't streak because I buy high-end waterproof make up. I am sharing all of my work out details because I'm trying to get support at home for what I'm doing. But, it just never seems like it's enough to make him happy or proud, or... anything. Naturally, the whole conversation made me very upset and I cried. He tells me that I'm "irrational and too emotional about it" and that I "shouldn't take any of it personally because he is just telling me the truth and making observations that are true, so I shouldn't take it personally." He also says that if I am working as hard as I am telling him that I am, that his criticism shouldn't matter to me and should not effect me. - But I can't help it - IT DOES!

I invited him to come to the gym to monitor me, if that is what it would take. He declined. I have tried to get him to come work out with me anyway because he complains about his weight so much and says he is so unhappy with it too - but he never does. I bought him a new mp3 player and a gym membership when he showed interest in working out, but after keeping the membership for 2 months and it never being used - I canceled the membership because it was a waste of money. I am using the free gym thats in my apartment complex and invite him to use it too, but he never has.

I just feel so bad about it all. I just want him to be proud of me, to recognize how hard I am working. I feel like I'm jumping through hoops to try to find the right balance of how I should be eating, how I should be losing weight and how I should be working out to make him satisfied because he always has such awful things to say when I wasn't actively trying to lose weight. I want him to see that I'm making the changes, but even kicking my own butt in the gym for 2-3 hours a day, everyday - isn't good enough because I have make up on that doesn't streak and he doesn't think I'm capable of working out like I am doing.

I just don't know what to do.... It's not going to make me stop going, but it is a terrible feeling to be working out so hard and to know that the person that initially spurred my desire to lose weight and started making me feel self conscious about myself in the first place is always at home and doesn't believe my efforts is an awful place to be in.

Anyone else ever have these issues?


ruby2sday
06-19-2010, 10:04 PM
No, I can't say I have any of these issues. My hubs and friends/family don't go out of their way to comment or say much, but it doesn't mean they are not totally supportive. To me, your BF is being very unsupportive. It would be better for him to keep his observations to himself rather than cut you down.

One thing that I have concluded is that I need to do this for me, and me alone, and that means supporting myself and praising myself.

You are doing what you need to do to be healthy and happy, and shouldn't need anyone to justify that. Stop jumping through hoops to try to make your BF happy with YOUR efforts. Do this for you.

It sounds to me like he has his own issues, and should work on those, rather than telling you what you are doing wrong.

I hope you stay strong and keep yourself going and doing this for you. You deserve it, and don't let anyone make you feel bad.

chnkymonkey
06-19-2010, 10:16 PM
I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Even asking him to come work out with you so he can see your workouts.

One thing to keep in mind - could he be feeling his own insecurities himself. If he is self conscious about his weight, he could be feeling you might move on once you lose weight and people start complimenting you and looking at you. It is quite common that spouses or significant others can sabotage weight loss efforts for fear of their loved ones moving on.

If I were in your shoes, I'd bluntly ask him what I need to do to make him believe me and support me. But, I tend to be blunt like that.

I hope you can find something to help


Xuzi
06-19-2010, 10:29 PM
I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Even asking him to come work out with you so he can see your workouts.

One thing to keep in mind - could he be feeling his own insecurities himself. If he is self conscious about his weight, he could be feeling you might move on once you lose weight and people start complimenting you and looking at you. It is quite common that spouses or significant others can sabotage weight loss efforts for fear of their loved ones moving on.

If I were in your shoes, I'd bluntly ask him what I need to do to make him believe me and support me. But, I tend to be blunt like that.

I hope you can find something to help

I deffinately think the bolded may be part of the problem. He may be afraid that by becoming thinner you'll become more attractive to other men and leave him. I think his doubting that you're actually going to the gym is a huge sign of this. The way you worded your post, it's almost like he's beating around the bush at accusing you of being unfaithful.

And his comments about "observing the truth" and therefore you "shouldn't take it personally" is a bunch of BS. Why *shouldn't* you be offended that he's beating down your admirable, and not-at-all-unreasonable efforts to become healthier? He's trying to pawn off HIS problem (his own weight issues) onto YOU, and that is totally not right.

Do this for YOU, girl! YOU are the one who has to live with the weight every day. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day. And ultimately, it is YOUR life. He's just along for the ride, for now. If he *really* wants you to lose weight and be healthier, he'll be SUPPORTIVE of you and your efforts, regardless of if he agrees with them or not, and he wouldn't be throwing up these completely ridiculous "hoops" for you to jump through (because they're really roadblocks, IMO).

Shmead
06-19-2010, 11:43 PM
Honestly, I'd make the whole topic totally off limits for both of you: don't look to him for support or encouragement, and tell him to keep any opinions he has to himself. He clearly isn't capable of being supportive. In six months, you can revisit the issue.

It worries me that he doesn't seem to think much of your character, and in fact seems to be going out of his way to find "evidence" of malingering on your part. When you try to discuss it, he gets angry and defensive and tries to "win" the argument by making you feel bad about yourself (you "shouldn't take it personally" and you are "too emotional") If this is a pattern in a lot of areas of your relationship, I would seriously reconsider it--do you want to have these sorts of conversations around every life event? What kind of father will this man be?

If, on the other hand, weight loss/exercise is just the one area where he's kinda weird and unrealistic and irrational, then I would just make it an area of your lives that you don't share.

kendra
06-20-2010, 12:56 AM
:hug: I know your boyfriend is part of your life but if he can't be supportive, then ignore him. Do this for you! This journey is all about you and making yourself healthier. You know you are on the right track. Don't give up! Keep up the good work.

CrystalZ10
06-20-2010, 03:25 AM
Wow...Can we say issues?? Your boyfriend sounds like a totaly jealous jerkwad. He used to be in the military...so the freak what? He's 300 freaking pounds and rather than doing anything about it, he tries to dash your efforts and feelings into the dirt. I'm with Xuzi on this. I think he's trying to accuse you of cheating on him. I mean, if he can't scrape himself off the couch and go workout, than how can you?

sorry...don't mean to be so harsh on him, but really ticks me off that he can be so thoughtless. Is he even a nice guy at all? Is this the only sore spot in your relationship? Hopefully it is. Maybe he might dust himself off someday and try to lose weight.
If he continues to be a jerk, well, you are not married....

ThinkandGrowThin
06-20-2010, 04:24 AM
I think this is actually pretty common, as sad as that sounds.

Your weight loss affects your relationship with the people around you, especially with your BF, and since he has his own weight loss issues it is likely that your ACTION is making him feel threatened or insecure.

I'm not excusing his behaviour for a second, but put yourself in his shoes for a moment... maybe he's thinking "Will she still love me when she's slim?"

Right now, with you both having excess weight, it's a comfortable kind of place in the relationship. Maybe you've enjoyed the fast food together, curling up to watch movies with snacks, etc.. and you've both put weight on. Now that you're working on losing weight, you've shifted the whole dynamics of your relationship.

And while you want to encourage him to lose weight too, especially since he's admitting he's unhappy with it, that reinforces his fear that you'll ditch him if he stays big.

Try to take the higher ground and reassure him that you love him just as he is. Keep inviting him to work out with you but don't make it a big issue - he has to reach a point where he decides to do it on his own.

Good luck

Katie

asharksrevenge
06-20-2010, 06:40 AM
This may sound harsh and I apologize if I hurt your feelings, but your boyfriend doesn't respect you. I think there are much more serious issues in the relationship than just how he treats your weight loss. If a man is able to openly criticize you without even bothering to pretend it's because he cares, he has checked out of the relationship. He doesn't support you because he no longer cares. He won't believe you no matter what you do because he's not interested anymore. You've noticed it yourself. You said he "couldn't be expected to be supportive" and "it just never seems like it's enough to make him happy or proud, or... anything." You've also admitted that he insults and degrades you before you started dieting. If you remain with this man, you will not be able to satisfy him. Nothing you do will satisfy him. If you don't change your goals to make weight loss about yourself, you put your diet and exercise routine in jeopardy. Please take some time and consider if this is a relationship you want in your life. No one deserves to be treated poorly. You deserve someone who jumps in the air with you when you put on pants that never fit before. You want someone who tells you you look great when you leave and come back from the gym. You want someone who supports your dreams and goals and makes you feel beautiful. You absolutely can find this man, but you won't find it in the guy you're with.

Wysteria
06-20-2010, 06:52 AM
I just feel so bad about it all. I just want him to be proud of me, to recognize how hard I am working. I feel like I'm jumping through hoops to try to find the right balance of how I should be eating, how I should be losing weight and how I should be working out to make him satisfied because he always has such awful things to say when I wasn't actively trying to lose weight. I want him to see that I'm making the changes, but even kicking my own butt in the gym for 2-3 hours a day, everyday - isn't good enough because I have make up on that doesn't streak and he doesn't think I'm capable of working out like I am doing.


It's none of his business. YOU'RE the one losing weight, YOU'RE the one going to the gym. If your workouts and dieting revolve around making him happy and he's just sitting on his backside criticising without doing anything, then that has to change. It really is none of his business what you do. You're doing this for yourself, not for him.

If he wants to lose his own weight, he will. But it seems like he won't and he resents you doing it because he knows he's a lazy little sod and he just wants to watch you fail so he can feel better about his own failings.

So sorry to sound harsh, but he's not supporting you at all through one of your biggest life changes. If it was me in this situation, I'd tell him to either man up and start coming to the gym with me, or shut up, pack his bags and go home to mummy.

You don't need a man like this around you when you're doing something like losing weight. If he can't be supportive, then drop him like a shot. I've lost a lot of friends through my weightloss for very much the same reasons. Think of losing weight as a cleansing exercise - you're becoming a new person, and if certain aspects of your old, heavier life have to change (and that includes boyfriends) so be it.

But yes, issue an ultimatum - either he supports you or he (or you) leaves.

JayEll
06-20-2010, 08:26 AM
Once a Marine, always a Marine. He has a Marine's workout ethic... and that is not what you need.

My suggestion, FWIW, would be that you let go of your need to have his approval. If you need support, find a support group of others who are trying to lose weight. He's not supporting you, he's discouraging you.

More suggestions:
- Cut out the fast food. I would guess you have no idea how much you are eating in terms of total calories, but fast food will shoot you over the top regardless.
- Drink more water. A lot of people are underhydrated. By "more" I mean aim for 8, 8-oz. glasses in a day, or 64 ounces. Other beverages do count, but try for more water and less soda.
- Do reasonable workouts. I don't know why you are doing 3-hour workouts anyway! You should be exercising 5 or 6 days a week (with a break day in the middle), but an hour and a half is probably enough. Try to split up your activity--say, do a half hour walk in the morning, and an hour at the gym in the afternoon or whenever it is you go.

Good luck!
Jay

PapayaMule
06-20-2010, 08:59 AM
It's none of his business. YOU'RE the one losing weight, YOU'RE the one going to the gym. If your workouts and dieting revolve around making him happy and he's just sitting on his backside criticising without doing anything, then that has to change. It really is none of his business what you do. You're doing this for yourself, not for him.

If he wants to lose his own weight, he will. But it seems like he won't and he resents you doing it because he knows he's a lazy little sod and he just wants to watch you fail so he can feel better about his own failings.

So sorry to sound harsh, but he's not supporting you at all through one of your biggest life changes. If it was me in this situation, I'd tell him to either man up and start coming to the gym with me, or shut up, pack his bags and go home to mummy.

You don't need a man like this around you when you're doing something like losing weight. If he can't be supportive, then drop him like a shot. I've lost a lot of friends through my weightloss for very much the same reasons. Think of losing weight as a cleansing exercise - you're becoming a new person, and if certain aspects of your old, heavier life have to change (and that includes boyfriends) so be it.

But yes, issue an ultimatum - either he supports you or he (or you) leaves.


I totally agree!

I would have absolutely NO time for a man like this. You know, there are really decent men out there and you do not have to compromise. I literally cannot imagine my boyfriend treating me like this, he has too much respect for me and my life. You are worth more and you will get more as soon as you start expecting it!

On a side note - what's the big deal about wearing makeup all the time? For me it's part of my morning routine and I think very little about it. Just like putting underwear on. Later on in the day, I work out without taking it off, and when I'm done, I'm still wearing it. At the end of the day I remove it properly and re-apply in the morning. It doesn't just magically melt off my face because I get a little sweaty! Next he'll be criticizing you for breathing too often or something.

ValRock
06-20-2010, 09:04 AM
Yeah... I 2nd, 3rd, 4th, one millionth times agree with what the other ladies have said.

Do not stand around and let him treat you like this! I'm married to a military man so I know how it is. But he also knows it's NEVER okay to disrespect me (that's what your BF is doing here) or to make a single comment about anything I'm trying to do to make myself healthier, unless he plans to be supportive. The way he's treating you is NOT okay, on any planet. Don't let him do that!

He obviously doesn't respect himself enough to take care of his body... why should he have ANY say on the measures you're trying to make to take care of yours?

Girl, if I were you... I'd be lacing up my walking shoes, putting on my waterproof mascara, and walking out the door! You deserve so much better than this! You are worth it!

oneLess
06-20-2010, 12:05 PM
He sounds controlling to me! Are you sure this is someone you want to spend your time with? He isn't supportive unless you say things the right way? etc, etc, etc...
Ugh

luciddepths
06-20-2010, 01:27 PM
wowza.
If this is the only problem area in your relationship, ok..If its happening in OTHERS which i'm going to assume it is.. usually men like that are disrespectful, controlling in all parts of the relationship.

Something that really stood out to me in your post was this - Initially, it was an issue of him not seeing progress as quickly as he felt he should. Him saying things JUST like that make me think that he acts like this in many if not all places in your relationship. Marine or not (just because a person is a marine or in the army doesnt make it ok for them to be an A-hole)

You need to do this for you, WHO gives a F if you wear make up when you work out, that is YOUR choice. I do it! Not only that hasnt he ever heard there might be a WASHROOM there? where you can TOUCH UP your make up after your done?

A person should NEVER have to justify what you are right now. Your bf sounds like he wants to be in control. Most men that do, LOVE a woman with low self esteem and now he sees you getting some confidence he wants to smite it. Why? it ruins his plan of controlling you.

I'm sure i should say something like "oh im sure hes a great guy..etc etc" Butttt i can't. Ive known ALOT of men like this a cousin is married to one and let me tell you, it starts this way and generally gets worse. Ok it almost ALWAYS gets worse. That and ive got no tolerance for men OR women that are like this. They seem to "prey" on sweet girls/guys with low self esteem or just no confidence, to me that is a terrible person.

I know we're not all saying "drop that F'er like a rock" but its really something to think about, i mean.. for something as SIMPLE as weight loss - he reacts like this? Whats going to happen when its something BIG?


KEEP YOUR HEAD UP :) YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. NO ONE DOES.

rockstar87
06-20-2010, 01:58 PM
I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said. He's afraid because you're changing the dynamics of the relationship and he feels threatened. You're working hard to be successful (and you are working hard. My mom had a personal trainer that would totally kick her butt in the gym, but she's just not a person who sweats. The amount person sweats is based on the amount of sweat their sweat glands produce. It's hormonally regulated and varies from person to person. It has nothing to do with heart rate or makeup running or not running. That's bull.)

He's totally undermining your efforts because he's insecure and is afraid you're going to excel and outgrow the relationship and he'll be left 300lbs and alone because he couldn't get his butt off the couch.

You've done your part, you've tried to include him in this and he doesn't want to be include. I say you declare the topic off limits. You're not going to get support from him like this. Maybe if you give him some time he'll come around, but for now I'd say the topic of diet and exercise is off limits.

And you're doing awesome.

WhitePicketFences
06-20-2010, 02:32 PM
Ugh, this sucks.

1. I wouldn't discuss details with him anymore. Yeah, you work out and that's a part of your day, but no way should you have to debate facts or defend yourself that you really do wear waterproof makeup.

2. You don't look like you work out 2-3 hours a day, really? Well, I didn't look like I worked out 1.5+ hours a day. Not for a long while. Now I do. Your results will speak for themselves. Keep on keeping on.

I feel like your BF can think these things, but he shouldn't be saying it (#2) or saying it more than teasing a time or two (#1). It's just not right.

For now, you should probably just tell him that firmly, once (probably you already told him how this makes you feel) and then stop getting into it. But I hope he knocks it off.

A note to the bigger issue of doubting your effort(s) ... I know my husband did doubt my tenacity, though he never said so. I know this because he was careful to be reserved, not *too* encouraging or excited (lest he make me feel bad about being so overweight, as I knew and he explained later).

I understood he was cautious because he had seen me try and give up several times, but once he did see my serious results and continued commitment he was very full of admiration and encouragement.

I'm not going to say that your BF is a jerk, but in any case he's outta line with this outright nitpicking, discouraging type of attitude. Hopefully he cools it & does get supportive -- you should expect that.

WhitePicketFences
06-20-2010, 02:37 PM
I just re-read your post and saw that you actually cried and he made it all about you for being upset. Wow, so that sucks even more than what I thought this was. Now I'm kind of pissed.

Sigh. Welll, it comes from within. Just ... go turn heads ;-)

Sounds like you are doing great so far, btw. I hope this stuff won't derail you at a critical point (or what was a critical point, timewise, for me).

GonnaTurnHeads
06-20-2010, 04:47 PM
Thanks for all of the support guys - i *REALLY* needed to hear it!!!! :) :) :)

He is, generally speaking, a good guy. We certainly have our issues like most people do, but it is very true that every time its about weight loss, he tells me he wants me to lose weight, but then gets very critical when I do - he probably is feeling threatened by it. I will just make it a topic that we do not discuss, and keep going on my own, the way that makes me feel good.

Last night, (the night following the discussion) he told me he wanted to do something special for me, and went to the store picking up lobster tails and sweet corn. Then he made me a dinner of steamed lobster and corn with fresh green iced tea, asking if it was in my calorie range and if it would work into the diet. So I thought that was certainly a positive step. :)

TXMary2
06-20-2010, 04:55 PM
I think it is obvious your boyfriend is insecure. Just stay on track for you - and if he comes along for the ride then great. He may not be the one for you. If he is perhaps he will eventually come on board and become your partner in health. Meanwhile, do what you have to do!

dragonwoman64
06-20-2010, 05:26 PM
I have some of these issues with my bf. I agree with the other posts re dynamics. without knowing you or him personally, and going by what you posted (and my somewhat like experiences), I'd say consider this: while I do think it's important to accommodate your partner's emotional state, I also think it's important to not let your partner emotionally bully you.

I wear make up to the gym, I take 2 to 3 hours when I go, and I don't sweat it all off (and I sweat). You don't have to kill yourself convincing him of the truth of this (you're not on trial). don't be afraid to put some breaks/limits on his bad behavior, in a nice, self protective way: "hey, that's out of line and I don't appreciate it." then move on and don't dwell on it. if you don't play guilty and placating, I'd imagine it will put out some of the self justification flames on his end, if you catch my drift. sometimes we need to carefully show someone (even or maybe esp the ones we love) how to treat us correctly.

guys tend to have a much tougher time expressing their needs and emotions, and I'm sure his being a marine, it's such a macho culture, adds even more challenges for him. I'm sure he wants to look good and be someone you can be proud to be with. the extra weight can't possible feel good to him, esp after having been as fit as he must have been at one point as a marine.

a good Q for bf (and it's actually rhetorical, might pull him up short and make him think when he's alone and in a calm state): why would you not want me to lose weight, feel and be healthier, have more self confidence and have a happier life?

good luck with everything and congrats on all the progress you've made!!!

lizziep
06-20-2010, 11:11 PM
my husband isn't entirely supportive and has said some pretty hurtful things to me under the guise of "calling it like he sees it"
The thing I'm learning though, is he actually thinks he IS being supportive, and i'm wondering- given your boyfriends military background- if maybe in some backwards way he thinks he is helping?

that said- the whole veiled accusation of cheating on him, making you cry and not respecting you... this is bothersome. And honestly- so is the special dinner. How many times have you heard of abusive men that are in the cycle with their s/o of abusing then making up for it with gifts, being really nice, whatever- only to go right back to being abusive. just something to think about, especially if it ever gets more serious. be careful, think of your own well-being right now above everything else. and like the other gals said- the topic should be off limits from now on.

Shmead
06-20-2010, 11:23 PM
. And honestly- so is the special dinner. How many times have you heard of abusive men that are in the cycle with their s/o of abusing then making up for it with gifts, being really nice, whatever- only to go right back to being abusive. just something to think about, especially if it ever gets more serious. be careful, think of your own well-being right now above everything else. and like the other gals said- the topic should be off limits from now on.

Related to this: notice if his expectations about the "special dinner" are unrealistic--like in a few days he gets upset because you didn't appreciate it enough, or didn't react correctly, or something. Also, if in a week you mention some mild criticism (like, please don't leave dirty underwear on the bathroom floor) and he gets really angry and brings up how he did this nice thing for you but it doesn't make any difference blah blah blah.

Manipulators are really, really good at doing "nice" things only to make you pay for them ten times over. If he does that, it's a huge red flag.

JayLei
06-21-2010, 12:52 AM
I've never stuck out a weight loss plan because of my husband. Which is lame.
Every time I've made a change... started yoga, joined the gym, tried to cook healthier he has managed to turn it around and make me feel like I am not happy with *our* life. Slowly but surely I have let bad habits and laziness creep back into my life.
This time I am done with it. I have rejoined the gym, signed up for training, seriously started calorie counting. I even dyed my hair, and he hates it, but I don't care!
This is my time... time for me to get healthy before I turn 40. Time for me to have the body I have always wanted and have never had the discipline to earn. And honestly, if he can't truly support me in the thing in my life that will make me most happy, some serious decisions need to be made.
I feel better than I have in years. I look better than I have for a long time.
I'm getting checked out at the grocery store (and I haven't loss much so it must be my attitude and the healthy glow of exercise)

Make the changes for you, and hopefully he will follow along.

Gold32
06-21-2010, 10:42 AM
OK, I only skimmed the other posts, so I hope I'm not being repetitive.

I saw two big issues. 1) "You can't expect me to be supportive unless you tell me ahead of time what your goal was." 2) "He wants me to lose weight."

Regarding #1: What the heck?!?!?! No. Just, no. I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong here, but if you are happy about achieving something, he should be happy for you. The fact that he is putting conditions on when he'll be supportive is just insane. And very, very worrisome about what that means on a larger scale. I would have told him, "My goal is weight loss. Anything that shows an achievement of that counts." Seriously, it does. And he should celebrate every single achievement with you.

So, in order to show support or praise, you must first specifically state that it is a goal? Man, I'd be such a smart-hiney about this. "I'm sorry honey, I would have told you that you did a good job with the bbq tonight, but as you didn't tell me that was your goal, I can't." "I can't tell you that your hair cut looks good. You didn't tell me that was your goal." "I'd praise you for getting us through that traffic nightmare, but you didn't tell me that was your goal."

:dz:

Regarding #2: It seriously sounds like he is way too concerned with you losing weight. He really, really shouldn't care that much that you be skinnier. He should be supportive and helpful, not critical and judgemental. And he's being judgemental. Have you asked him, how would he feel if you gained weight? Would he still love you? I HOPE so, but seriously, this post makes me concerned that this question may be necessary to ask.

So, I totally agree that he is insecure. This is 100% some issue with himself. But it's kind of beside the fact, because this is toxic to you. I don't think this is just an issue of "don't talk about it" or ignore it, don't seek his approval. This is a cancer in your relationship. You're going to have to confront him about this and have a real conversation on the matter. Hopefully you can frame it in a good light, without accusations or more toxicity. But you may have to ask tough questions. And, please keep in mind the possibility that this could be a symptom of a bigger issue.

Maybe it is part of his marine mentality, that instead of praising what you achieve, he should push you (however roughly) to do more. You need to make him understand that this just isn't going to work for you.

Good luck! :hug: I truly believe anything can be bettered with the right conversation.

Bombe
06-21-2010, 11:14 AM
This is a little judgmental of me but I'm just going off this one post so.... He sounds like a mean, selfish person who is intentionally trying to hurt you. Who needs someone like that in their life? If he were my boyfriend I would make him my non-boyfriend if you get my drift.

Aside from that though, I'm assuming he has SOME redeeming qualities that make you want to stay with him despite him being so mean to you about the weight loss :) I would make this an off-limits issue between the 2 of you. Don't don't talk about it to him anymore and tell him you don't want to hear anything from him either. Tell him specifically that he only says mean things to you so you don't want to hear anything at all. You should't have to jump through hoops for him, you're losing this weight for YOU right? I understand why his support is important to you but obviously he's not willing to give it to you so I would just ignore him as far as the weight loss thing, make it a non-issue.

luciddepths
06-27-2010, 03:29 PM
update?

GonnaTurnHeads
06-28-2010, 10:47 AM
The update... :)

Nothing has really changed much. I thought a lot about everyones assessment about him and took a step back to better inspect the relationship. He is a good guy, but I have been thinking a lot about how much I want to deal with this type of behavior long term...

I have a potential move coming up with work that may move me across the country and it is pretty unlikely that I will invite him to move with me... which will be hard because we have been living together for years... But... long term? He probably isn't very healthy for me to have around.

fatmad
06-28-2010, 10:23 PM
headturner, you are getting your head on straight!
I think just writing some of this down has helped you see some of the problems, even before people started responding. And any relationship can have problems, but other than saying "he's a pretty good guy" I haven't heard you say much about the good things he brings to the relationship. Maybe there are some great things you don't want to lose, but it also sounds like there are enough negatives you may not want to continue this relationship, and while the move may give it impetus, if you don't move cross country, you will have to decide where you stand with all this.
good luck, these big life changes are difficult.
I am working through a book called "full catastrophe living" as my personal life has been in some turmoil. (but with a loving and supportive husband). I highly recommend it.

bargoo
06-28-2010, 11:06 PM
The thing that bothers me is that "he doesn't believe you' . in what other areas does he not believe you ? This is a worrisome trait. Accusing you of not going to the gym because you still have makeup on would be a red flag to me. This is a very controlling, suspicious man., Is this what you want in your life ?

schubunny
06-28-2010, 11:10 PM
I'd just like to say one thing : you need to do it for YOU

My boyfriend is neutral. He does not provide support and neither does he put me down. If he notices I look smaller he compliments me, and he nods if I tell him about my workout/weight-loss/etc, but unless I look for it I usually get nothing.

I've learned that you need to be doing this for yourself only. It may sound selfish in a way, but this needs to be your main motivation. It may hurt that he is unsupportive, but use this to make yourself stronger, say you will prove him wrong and shrug off his negativity.

Adding: Considering he is pretty overweight, as you say, I think he needs to keep his pie-hole shut. It's not like he is s skinny mini with a 6 pack. If my boyfriend was overweight and said something about how I looked, I would tell him to take a look at himself instead of criticizing others.