General chatter - just a vent: mother




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luciddepths
06-15-2010, 01:29 AM
So my mom is about 5'4 and 260(im assuming and growing)...

Sometimes i feel like the reason i'm fat is because o fmy parents.. not learning to eat healthy amounts..etc mind you i got fat when iw as bout 17? or 19? lol

But just an example, we've never been able to have "bad" foods in our home, because they are DEVOURED instantly. I want to be able to have those foods in my home with out worrying that my kids wont be able to control themselves.. This weekend was a real eye opener to what a problem my mom has.. even my dad.. my dad if he thinks he is getting fat he is about 6'0 and 190lbs NOT FAT AT ALL, he just stops eating. My mom is the opposite... Anyway this weekend my dad brought home ice cream ( i can control myself, i dont have a problem with portions anymore or anything) You know those 4 Gal tubs? well he brought home 2, my dad is in love with ice cream and he never buys it so he bought it.

That was 3 days ago, my mom and him.. FINISHED 2-4 gal tubs. It just made me go "oh my god" I know my dad i KNOW he would have a bit because he loves it, but its my mom... she had a bowl every few hours, we're not talking the 1/2 cup serving or even 1 cup serving.. we're talking 2 cup..


I just dont understand her, she bought an elliptical last year, used it for a week, my dad tried *he hated it and didnt have time, he works and works, really he needs some weights it would make him just feel better and eat better, but hes a good weight* She went to LA weight loss...

I just dont understand it, any suggestion of exercise and watching what she eats and suddenly she comes down with a case of 'ohhh im sooo sore today' or whatever else.. she has spent SO MUCH money on diets, nutrisystem, la weight loss, weight watchers.. she does it for about 2 months then she binges.

I have tried to give her advice, i never noticed it before but in the past year i've really tried to watch what i do and i can't help but notice in her too.

She continuously buys garbage food (anything you can make in the oven out of a box is good to her) and she will watch what i eat but instead of following the suggestions on the box like i tell her, she doubles it or triples it. Then she buys all kinds of things that she sees me eat once in a while and doubles that (popcorn, ice cream...etc) She buys "protein" bars all the time and eats the whole box in less than 2 days..


I'm sorry there is no point to my post i'm just venting because i have no where else to go with it..... i have such a hard time dealing with her because all she does is whine about how fat she is..etc, but if you mention watching what she eats or even FOLLOWING weight watchers or LA... she gets so weird and if you mention exercise? WOW...

I mean this woman does NOTHING all day long NOTHING. Sits on the internet or on the couch all day, everyday.. Cuts the grass BUT only uses the ride lawn mower (granted it takes like 6 hours to cut our lawn, but still you could use the push for a bit and get some exercise) she has 2 beautiful dogs that would LOVE daily walks... does she do it? no. But my dad comes home after a long day of work, works outside, just work work work and then because he sees me leave with my dog to go walk him *trying to get him socialized and just more out there, its too hard for me to take all 3 when 2 of them are well over 100 lbs* He goes and walks them...




im done i guess :(:?:


Cglasscock1
06-15-2010, 01:55 AM
It is so painful to watch someone that you love eat without any thought to their health. I have that in my family as well. You mom will have to hit her personal "bottom" before she wakes up and realizes just what she is doing to herself. The only thing you can do it learn from her mistakes and then turn around and be a good example for her. It may be that she will eventually start talking about it. She is probably struggling with her behavior and wishing she could change, but feels hopeless. Maybe you can be the one to give her that hope.

ddc
06-15-2010, 02:14 AM
I agree with the above post.
Maybe it'll take a health scare to get her to take action.
I understand your frustration and it's hard to watch someone, especially someone that you love, do things to themselves that are unhealthy.
Find a little peace for yourself in knowing that you cannot change other people. They have to make the change. Love her and be supportive.
Hugs to you both :)


kendra
06-15-2010, 02:25 AM
:hug:
Sometimes people don't want to take responsibility for their actions or maybe they don't want to deal with the issues that cause them to eat the junk. I hope she hits her rock bottom before for some serious health issue kicks in.
I know I used to be able to eat a whole bag of chips , or cookies, or a tub of ice cream with no problem. Now, I don't even buy the things because I call them "danger" foods. I know I might have issues making my self stop. I know it's sad but she has to really want to change herself and until then, :hug:

Hopefully she will be inspired by you. You are doing a fantastic job! Keep it up!

luciddepths
06-15-2010, 02:29 AM
*HUGS* thanks guys..

Its just one of those why whine about it when you aren't doing ANYTHING to prevent it.. my grandmother is the exact same...

its true she will have to hit her own bottom before she gets out...

Natalia
06-15-2010, 02:53 AM
Your mom is addicted to sugar. It's hard as old heck for sugar addicts to change their eating habits. If it were easy, there would be far fewer chubby people.
I am addicted to sugar so when I eat sugary foods I am out of control. My portion sizes are enormous. I can finish a DQ cake in less than 24 hours. When something "good" comes into the house I obsess over it until it's gone. I can eat a pie or a box of eclairs in one sitting.

For sugar addicts, they need to detox and start a liveable eating plan. I started South Beach and I'm at the end of week 5. Not one binge :) No sugar crap.

Some day, when your mom is ready, she will be able to give up the beast that is sugar. Until then, even with weight loss efforts which just *moderate* sugar use, I believe ultimately she will not be successful (I know I could never stick to a plan long term without giving up sugar) But once she's ready, you can be her cheerleader and biggest supporter. Until then though, your nudges will be in vain and she may even grow resentful.

MyBodyisMyTemple
06-15-2010, 02:56 AM
ok i can so relate to this.

our house was the same way with the junk foods... it did NOT last. I love my mom more than anyone on this planet and it just makes me so sad that she doesn't take better care of herself.

I've been in the position where I would talk the talk, and now I'm learning to walk that walk and I want her to do the same because I want her around for a long time. (I fully understand that she will do it when she is ready). She works very hard at her job so I can understand that she's super tired, but its her eating. I've thought for years that she has an eating disorder because she barely eats real food. She'll get a 'saucer' of dinner, fill it up 1/3 of the way and then eat less than half of that. And that would be the only 'real' food all day.

I called her today and just randomly asked her had she eaten for the day and she said yes, and I said oh good what did you have and she said 'ice cream and cookies'. I got really sad. Because besides a bologna sandwich that's all she had.

Wow. sorry to rant on your thread. I just could somewhat understand.

GlamourGirl827
06-15-2010, 06:18 AM
My mother was the same way. Unfortunately, she was also an abusive, horrid person, so I wasn't upset because I cared about her, but because she irritated me so much. I think I was more mad I the excuses than the actions.
Had she simply owned her behavior, and said "yes I eat way too much junk" that would have been less annoying than how she'd pretend like the way she ate was normal. My parents failed on teaching us how to eat healthy. My dad, who I do love and still have a relationship with, eats so unhealthy, its frightening. He has the 50's mentality of "healthy diet". (Did you ever see the commercial for the Butteron's?) To him a good healthy breakfast is bacon, pancakes with real butter, syrup and whole milk, but my father does not and had never over eaten. And he's not a junk food person either. My mother lived on junk, and binged daily. If she couldn't get food, she would become irritable and nasty. Then she'd complain how she was fat. But heaven forbid someone try to tell her that her eating habits were making her that way, and she'd go off yelling and screaming that it wasn't her fault. That she didn't over eat. She truly believe normal people ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream in one sitting or a whole sleeve of cookies...

JayEll
06-15-2010, 07:38 AM
It seems like there comes a point in many people's lives when they set out to "fix" their family... ;)

I'd suggest that you not judge your mother so harshly and instead focus on your own eating and exercise. Yeah, it sounds like your mom is having trouble--but you have no idea what she needs. She may be depressed, she may feel like food is the only thing worthwhile, who knows? But I doubt it will help her to get the suggestion she use the push lawnmower for exercise. Jeez, that is really hard work, if you've ever done it.

And please don't make your dad the "good guy" and your mom the "bad guy" in this. Who brought the ice cream into the house? That's like bringing booze home with an alcoholic there. It's great that you have so much will power, but it's not so easy for others. She may feel that she has nothing enjoyable in life except for food. Think how hard it would be, to feel that way.

Be sympathetic and caring toward your family, as much as you are able, and stay with your own plan...

Jay

MindiV
06-15-2010, 08:52 AM
This sounds just like my sister, and I'm insanely worried about her. She's my height, about 5 ft. 9, and weighs well over 350 pounds at the age of 31. She's having problems getting around, her knees and ankles hurt to the point where she can't get a job where she has to stand for long periods (she physically can't do it). Unfortunately those jobs are the ONLY jobs she can get, so she's unemployed and living with my dad.

Recently we went to a Renaissance Faire that she just LIVES for every year. It's a 3 hour drive from where we live. She was too hot and ready to leave after 45 minutes. That's when I knew something was wrong. Simple walking at a slow pace made her heart race to the point where she feared she was going to pass out. Yet she still took a break and ate fried pickles, fried cheese sticks and a big buttery bread bowl full of shrimp etouffe crammed full of creamy soups.

I'm the same with her as you are with your mom - it KILLS me to see it. I've told her and tried to explain to her how to do it. I've offered my recipes and even asked her to come for a weekend so she can go grocery shopping with me and learn to cook things better. I've explained that "exercise" doesn't always involve hard time on a treadmill or elliptical - for her just moving is exercise right now. But no...she sits at the computer and in bed all day and all night, playing games and reading and writing.

It all comes down to the WANT to do it. They know they NEED to...just don't WANT to yet. We all reached the point where we got sick of it and wanted to change. Some people get there, others don't. We can't make the choices for them - we can only help ourselves and be prepared to help them if needed.

Wannabeskinny
06-15-2010, 09:52 AM
Dealing with your own struggles with weight makes you take notice of others even more so. It sounds like your Mom hasn't had a wake up call. I get so ANGRY when I see my dad spread 4 tbsp of butter on each side of an english muffin. But it's like talking to a wall, if they don't care then it doesn't matter how much you care.

I lash out in anger and say things like "who's going to take care of you when you're too sick to take care of yourself?" I always bring it back to how selfish he's being and urge him to take care of himself for my sake. I don't think it works but I don't know what else to do. I try to set an example, I try to talk to him about health issues, I try to cook healthy.... none of it matters if the person doesn't care.

It's so unfair not to be able to have ice cream in the house when you have a binger like your Mom around. The only thing I can say is to share with her how angry you are, and urge her to get some therapy. This is not a simple problem that will fix itself with a little dieting. Somebody who does nothing all day long except eat and sit on the couch is battling psychological ailments that only she can tap into. She has really cocooned herself into believing it's ok to triple portion sizes.

luciddepths
06-15-2010, 10:57 AM
Its hard to watch. Glamour we're kind of the same.. my mom wasnt abusive/isnt abusive. I just cannot deal with her as a person, very irrational, no logic behind anything she does and not just with eating.

Jay Ell, i wish i could say i agree but..i dont, I stay out of her way, i dont like to interact with my mother. Because she is selfish/insecure/needy/irrational and illogical...It doesnt affect how i eat or my exercise so thats good, it was more just a rant because sometimes its hard to watch someone do it to themselves knowing they do it to themselves. My dad is the good guy.


Wannabeskinny, my mom definitely has mental issues....I wish she would consider therapy.

ThicknPretty
06-15-2010, 11:05 AM
:hug:I posted about a similar situation when I first joined the site. My mom sounds a LOT like yours. And I was disgusted and angry, to be honest. I had a lot of negative feelings towards her and what concerned me most was that it didn’t seem like it was really rooted that much in concern as judgment. You sound like you are genuinely concerned for your mother and that is a wonderful thing, that’s love.

However, as I’ve progressed on my weight loss journey, I’ve gradually let go of a lot of those feelings. It was holding ME back to fret so much, to be angry at her, to judge her and watch her eat…and eat and eat and eat. And we were fighting a lot. I would sit there and watch her fill a giant mixing bowl with Cap N’ Crunch and milk, several times over, and it just got to the point that I couldn’t NOT say something…which of course, no one appreciates and I wouldn’t have either during my feeding days.

Like everyone else said, she will have to make changes on her own and she will have to have a “wake up call”, if you will. You are living your life as an example and that WILL sink in eventually. She will see how good you look and feel, how much energy you have, the things you are able to do, and she’ll begin to want that for herself. She just has to want it enough to take some action, which might take time.

JayEll
06-15-2010, 12:06 PM
I always bring it back to how selfish he's being and urge him to take care of himself for my sake.

Wow. Just wow.

If I were a parent, that would really motivate me. Not.

luciddepths, there are two sides to every story. It does sound like your mom has problems... but they may not all be of her own doing. You're young--and you think you're going to win the battle of life--and I hope you do! But it sounds like your mom figures she isn't going to have that chance, or that it passed her by.

I think it's a good idea for you to stay out of her way, because I doubt you can help her. :) Hang in there!

Jay

Beach Patrol
06-15-2010, 12:22 PM
Sometimes i feel like the reason i'm fat is because of my parents.. not learning to eat healthy amounts..etc mind you i got fat when i was bout 17? or 19? lol

But just an example, we've never been able to have "bad" foods in our home, because they are DEVOURED instantly. I want to be able to have those foods in my home with out worrying that my kids wont be able to control themselves..

You've gotten some truly great advice here! - but one thing I noticed in your post... "I feel like the reason I'm fat is because of my parents".... and then a sentence or two later... "I want to be able to have those foods in my home without worrying that my kids won't be able to control themselves..."

Why? I mean WHY would you want to be able to "have those foods" in your own home? JMPO, but it would be so much easier/better for you and your future children to just eat healthy to begin with. Instead of bringing ice cream into the house, make it a real treat & only get it every 2nd Friday evening on a special trip to the ice cream store, only during summer months... teach your kids that a TREAT is ok, but devouring ANYTHING is not.

I know this is a bit off topic, but that's just what jumped out at me about your post. Sorry! "we now return you to your regularly scheduled posting...." :D

WarMaiden
06-15-2010, 12:49 PM
I really agree with everything JayEll said above. The mom in question sounds like she is probably depressed; not to mention, at that weight and on that sort of diet, she is undoubtedly feeling constantly out of energy, exhausted, irritable, foggy-headed, achey, and hopeless simply due to the biochemistry of eating that way. She sits all day because that is all she feels physically capable of doing; and the honest truth is that she is probably only capable of doing about 5 minutes of continuous activity of any kind (even just standing), at the moment.

People who are depressed and miserable don't need judgment, nagging, and haranguing. None of those things will help them feel supported enough to start even considering change. Expressing unconditional love and acceptance toward them, however, sure can't hurt.

On another note...I spent a few years being pretty alienated from my mom, in my 30s. Eventually we reconciled, due to her drawing me back in with loving actions. Now that she is in the process of dying from pancreatic cancer, oh how I wish I had those years to do over. I was stupid to neglect her and take her beautiful presence in the world for granted. I will always regret those lost years in our relationship...always.

Parents aren't perfect, not by a long shot. But often, they're doing the best they really can. They need love and forgiveness too.

Caela
06-15-2010, 12:55 PM
Reading your post as an outsider to your situation, I actually felt a lot of sympathy for your mom (and therefore my mom). You know, people do the best they can and cope the best they can. We can only see their external actions and do not know their internal feelings or struggles. You see your mom eat ice cream but you can not see the sadness, fear, hopelessness, frustration, etc. that cause her to do it. I bet she punishes herself every time she opens the freezer for not knowing how to break the cycle.

Anyways, I am not judging you or saying not to be frustrated/vent. Lord knows, I have a lot of issues with my mom and upbringing.

kaplods
06-15-2010, 12:59 PM
I agree with Beach Patrol. I also went through a stage of blaming my parents. I was five years old when I became fat, and I was put on my first diet in kindergarten - it had to be their fault, right?

So very wrong. They could have "bad" food around the house - and I was the only one who would gorge on it (even though they both had food issues. Dad was skinny and could eat whatever he wanted - and did. Mom was overweight and couldn't always control her eating).

My parents sound a lot like yours (Creepy how much). As a child, it seemed like my dad (skinny) was the "nice" and sane parent, and my mother (overweight) was the "mean" and crazy one.

As I'm older I now realize Dad is passive-aggressive. Nothing is ever his fault, he's "just trying to help...." yet he feeds into and even aggravates my mom's irrationalities (including her short temper, and her poor eating habits).

My mom uses food for comfort, because she's afraid of almost everything else that would take her out into the world. She has social phobias (fears people will think she's stupid) and I suspect has depression or bipolar issues (though when I suggest she talk to her doctor about it, I'm just the over-educated psychologist daughter telling her she's crazy).

Some of my food issues were learned from my parents, but they did the best that they could, and I have to accept that (even if sometimes I regret that their best "wasn't good enough").

My mom has made progress (she lost about 80 lbs with weight watchers and has kept 60 off. She still has "bad habits" that sometimes frustrate me, but it's a lot easier to blame her than to look at my own issues (especially without blaming her for them).

My parents have four kids. The oldest two (my brother and I) were adopted (not biologically related). The youngest two (our two sisters) are my parents' bio-kids. I am the only one who was ever obese (or even for that matter, overweight) as children. My youngest sister has my mom's personality and my dad's physiology (maintains a healthy weight, easily). My other sister is the reverse. She's quite (and sometimes passive-aggressive) like Dad, and her weight has followed mom's pattern (thin until late 20's and then gradually adding weight in her hips and butt, only starting to becoming overweight in her 30's).

My mom's problem foods and mine are carbohydrates. I do think to a degree that I learned this from my parents, but I think to a much larger degree it's genetic. Because on the spectrum, my mom can control herself around "bad" foods to a greater degree than I can.

The more I read, the more I believe that high-carbohydrate foods have immense "addiction" potential. I'd beg you to read "The End of Overeating" and then pass it on to your mother. "Refuse to Regain" is another book that
changed my perception on what is needed to really lose weight and maintain the loss.

It's taken me 4 years just to get 80 lbs off. I will never be able to keep high sugar foods in my house. Because my history is so different from my parents and their bio-families, I don't think that is their fault. I think I probably inherited the potential for carb-addiction. Learned or inherited though, blame doesn't have to enter the equation (If you can blame your mom, I'm sure she can blame hers).

Good luck to you both. This isn't an easy journey no matter how it became necessary.

luciddepths
06-15-2010, 01:05 PM
I do want to be able to have those things in my home, because i just want my kids to learn "hey its ok to have this as long as its in moderation". My DH grew up in a house like that and I look at their family and wow! the twin sisters we're models, the brother could be a model, the mom and dad are healthy weights, one of the twins is a nutritionist, they all seem to have a great idea of how food is and that its OK to have garbage but ONLY in small amounts.

I want my kids to learn self control, its taken me a few years to just KNOW what portion sizes are.. i have control i dont need to eat the junk food but its good to know i can and just have a small portion. Not only that they will be faced with going to friends houses and parties where i'm not there to stop them saying "it isnt our treat night you can't have that" I just want them to think to themselves "ok, i can have some but ill just have this much" and feel satisfied with it.



I just have to put this out there, I do see my moms sadness, i do see her hopelessness, frustration... All of it.. I see it. I just know the reason its there, SELF INFLICTED.. I know the reasons she is sad/depressed because she reminds me almost every F'ing day. Blames EVERYONE but herself. It comes down to some family issues, that SHE inflicted. She just continues to blame anyone around her, if she isnt happy she tries to drag others down..

I used to think to myself. "oh poor mom.. etc etc" I dont anymore, because i see what she does with the people around her. I just feel sorry i guess for her in someway, i figure she is eating to deal with her guilt.

Wannabeskinny
06-15-2010, 01:06 PM
Wow. Just wow.

If I were a parent, that would really motivate me. Not.


Jay

I went on to say that it doesn't work, and that I do it out of frustration and anger. I'm not perfect and everybody knows that when it comes to parents it's not unusual to revert back to your immature self when dealing with them. I don't know why you quoted just those words but they were taken out of context and I didn't write them as a solution, I was just sharing an experience.

And why shouldn't I be angry? Maybe you don't have the same experience but it is infuriating to see somebody hurting themselves by over eating, doing drugs, drinking, or any other kind of self affliction.

GlamourGirl827
06-15-2010, 01:52 PM
I want to throw something out there. Everyone is coming to this thread with different parental experiences. Some people are suggesting love and compasion while others don't feel as forgiving of thier parents actions. I'll speak for myself when I say that my mother's daily couch sitting, unemployed, complaining, wallowing in self pity, always playing the victom, eating junk all day habits disgusted me, but so did everything else about her. It doesn't come from me being judgmental of people that are depressed (as she likely was) or binge eating (because I binge eat!) but my disgust for a woman that mentally and physicially abused me. She could have built Rome and I would have still hated her.

Caela
06-15-2010, 02:17 PM
I agree with you, Glamour. It's not that this random person is/does x,y, or z. It's that this woman is your mom and has done x,y, and z TO YOU as a child or even now as an adult. Very personal and emotionally-charged subject matter. Bringing up a lot of emotions I have about my mom. They run the gamut.


To be honest, it's also bringing up crap about myself b/c I fit the unemployed, do nothing, binge-eating names you guys are hurling at your moms. But believe me, I will press on with my journey.

K8-EEE
06-15-2010, 03:20 PM
The fact that your mom has tried and failed commercial dieting plans means she is aware of her problem and has tried to deal with it. I do believe that compulsive overeating, especially processed foods, can be an addiction in the same way that drugs and alcohol are, and that it is just as dangerous of an addiction. Addictions can be immobilizing. Your mom sitting around eating ice cream all day is like an alcoholic sitting around drinking whiskey all day. If she was an alcoholic your dad probably would not be bringing gallons of booze in the house so he could have one drink. That seems almost like a passive-aggressive act to me, on his part. If she could stop the binge eating, she would get out of the fog and probably do more things. But the point is try not to be angry at her as she has a real illness and needs professional help, not in the form of commercial diets but therapy or OA.

K8-EEE
06-15-2010, 03:26 PM
You remind me of myself as a daughter of an alcoholic. You feel pity but also anger....this is normal! You also have to learn how to be supportive but not enabling of the addiction. You might want to check out the Alanon or Co-Dependent sites -- no matter what the addiction, people living with a self-destructive family member have the same feelings and challenges. These support groups really helped me as a teenager living in an alcoholic environment and today my dad has been recovered 20 years, he has been a HUGE help to me in my adult life, happy endings are not uncommon once the family gets a true picture of what they are dealing with and how to deal with it.

luciddepths
06-15-2010, 04:10 PM
Well, worst part is... dad never does that, he did it once in about a year... otherwise? its mom that brings it home... she can't go into a store with out buying garbage.

*So really he is the good guy, im not going to go into detail about it, but yes he is passive agressive, i would be too putting up with what he does.. *

Thanks guys for all of your input, its a real touchy subject for alot of people, not just myself! thats for sure.

ThicknPretty
06-15-2010, 05:48 PM
Luciddepths, I just wanted to say that I totally get what you mean about having the junk food in the house and teaching your children self control.

It wouldn’t be doing your future children any favors by raising them in a completely junk food free home…they wouldn’t have any opportunities to LEARN the self control, to learn to treat themselves in moderation. The real world of food (with it’s McDonalds and Ben&Jerrys and Oreos and 24 hour supermarkets every 10 miles) would be overwhelming and full of temptation they would not be prepared to handle. This is my honest opinion, so please, no flogging lol.

I remember going to friends houses in high school and marveling at the fact that there was a brand new package of Chips Ahoy sitting in the pantry and no one was begging for a cookie or sneaking a cookie or eating a cookie…really, that the package sat unopened for five minutes was a wonder to me. I was envious. My friends seemed more concerned with painting their toenails than stuffing their faces. Me? The exact opposite. I definitely think that the way I was raised, the relationship I witnessed my mother and grandmother having with food, affected me. Yes, I made my own choices, but who was it that let my five year old self overeat to the point of sickness? Who was it that stood in the kitchen moaning and groaning over how amaaaazzzzing the banana pudding was and then after eating half the dish, moaning and groaning about how disgusting they were? My mother, my grandmother, sometimes even my uncles and other relatives. I did not come into this world ready to eat a family size bag of cheetos…sure, there are genetics at play…but I don’t believe for a second that’s all.

I am actively teaching my own son self control. He doesn’t have a weakness for sugar like I do, but a deep fondness for salty, carby snacks…pretzels, chips, crackers, etc. He could easily overeat these items…but that doesn’t mean I keep them away from him or out of the house.

kaplods
06-15-2010, 06:31 PM
It may seem strange for someone with two psych degrees (bachelor's and masters degrees) to say, but I think there's a much stronger genetic component than people are willing to acknowledge.

I tried for almost 40 years to "learn self control," and to understand "why" I had such a problem with overeating and portion control. I was looking for psychological explanations, overlooking physiological ones because I didn't think they could possibly be nearly as important.

I believed more than anyone that my binge and overeating problems were mental. I thought I overate because of the bad habits I learned from my family, and in response to emotional abuse from my mother - but that doesn't really explain why only I had childhood overeating and obesity issues. Why I stole and snuck food and my other siblings did not (one 18 months younger than I, one 14 years younger, and one 16 years younger).

I hated my mother for her lack of control, and I hated myself for my lack of control, and I blamed her for my lack of control (though my siblings raised in the same household, under the same conditions didn't have that lack of control. My sisters, if anything were raised in a worse environment, as my mother's depression has worsened through the years. Every year she is more and more negative).

As I said, I spent the better part of four decades trying to learn self-control. I thought I needed to be able to have the trigger foods in the house. I never considered the physiological issues, and only started losing weight permanently when I finally started believing that physiology could be a significant factor.

I learned that I was not eating out of emotions - what I was eating was causing the emotions (when I first read that this was possible, I thought it was the craziest theory I'd ever heard). Then I learned it was true for me. When I eat very few high-carbohydrate foods I don't have the moodswings or the tendency to be emotional and irrational. The lower carb I eat, the more sane I am.

I've come to believe that humans were never meant to eat high-carb foods as a regular part of the diet. No one needs to have high-sugar or high-starch foods around the house just to practice self-control. You don't need cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, or lottery tickets around the house to practice self-control either.

Keeping junk food in the house, is no more or less a model of self-control than is keeping the stuff out of the house (even if you do occasionally "go out" for such treats).

Self-control around some foods may be as much, or even more a genetic response than a learned one. Adoption studies show that children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholic even if they are raised in an alcohol-free or a low-alcohol environment. The adoptive parents "modeling self-control," doesn't seem to be very effective in decreasing the the likelihood of the adoptive child becoming an alcoholic. The predisposition towards alcoholism may be mostly genetic.

The obesity research suggests that same is probably true of obesity. Adoptions studies have shown that children's weights correlate much more strongly with their bio-parents as their adoptive parents. It would suggest that biology seems to play a large role, perhapes even more so than environment. At the very least, it appears to be a much stronger influence than ever thought.


Learned helplessness can be an overwhelming factor. Having dieted for decades without success, I often struggled with feeling helpless and hopeless. People in my life I'm sure where frustrated and angry that I wasn't helping myself. In my experience though, dieting only made me fatter, so I was terrified of starting another diet only to end up larger.

If I hadn't discovered that my problems with carbs was physiological, I have no doubt that my weight would have only gotten higher and higher. Even once I understood the problem, it's still extremely difficult to manage it. Though I wonder how well a heroine addict would do if they were encouraged to keep it in the house to learn self-control... if every restaurant and grocery store sold it... if friends and family pushed it "just on special occasions", and if every other television commercial advertised it.

Sadly, there's a whole lot more empathy for drug-addiction in our culture than food addiction. Food addiction is dismissed as a moral character flaw more so than a physical addiction (even though the clinical research has found that the same areas of the brain are affected. Even some of the drug-addiction and even obesity genes have been identified).

EZMONEY
06-15-2010, 09:01 PM
This is in no way a "stab" at you LUCIDDEPTHS....

just a general thought after reading the posts here...

Being 56...a father...a son....I know that when you are young you want to believe your parents are in control...can take care of you...responsible citizens...

But that is not always the case...people come form many-many situations....some they can control and some they can't....

people...parents...make wrong decisions all the time....

always have and always will...but one thing is for sure....

and always will be.....

For every second you spend being negative or having negative thoughts about your parents....your situation.....your life....

you lose the opportunity to do something good for you...your parents...your situation....your future.

luciddepths
06-16-2010, 02:35 AM
Hey thats ok, i take it as no stab you said it just like a dad would :) I appreciate that.

I understand what you mean I agree with the last part for sure :)


I just have to make it clear though, i know my parents make mistakes, i do too everyone does. I've never thought my parents were in control and if i did i was under the age of 15 when i thought it. i watch them lose control all the time.

JayEll
06-16-2010, 09:11 AM
Check this out:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_3_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=adult+children+the+secrets+of+dysfunction al+families&sprefix=adult+children

You may be able to find it at the library. :)

Jay

EZMONEY
06-16-2010, 09:46 PM
LUCIDDEPTHS...in no way did I ever get the impression that you blamed your weight issues all on your mom....

and as you posted RIGHT UP....you wanted to vent!

Sometimes it is nice just to be able to come here and do that!

And sometimes these threads just take off and have a mind of their own...lol...

be good!

luciddepths
06-16-2010, 10:28 PM
Thank You! Ez :)

It is really nice to just come here and its great to see others responses! Sometimes a person can just use a sound board, not only that there is a TON of very smart people on here!

MeganTheMushroom
06-17-2010, 09:17 AM
I know EXACTLY how you feel!

My dad is a good weight, he COULD afford to lose a few pounds, but he's not fat, he does softball and basketball, plus go to gym where he does weights and 30 mins on the elliptical, but what he eats....He eats so much fatty, greasy, food, so much meat, and has dessert every night! And not even fresh fruit or something, he'll have pound cake with ice cream, etc.

But my mom...she works out too, she does weights and the elliptical, but she just doesn't lose weight, why?
Because she has crappy eating habits. She often skips breakfast, sometimes lunch, and then pigs out on dinner and dessert. She'll have a large plate and just pile on food, it's so gross!
My parents will buy a cheesecake cut into 16 slices, 1 slice has about 300 calories (disgusting for how small the slices are), and she'l; have two, plus loads of whipped cream. Or maybe she'll eat the food I bake and pound on ice cream too?

And then shecomplains about how she doesn't lose any weight!
I struggled with weight for so long, but now that I lost it, I realize it was fromt he way we were raised. I could get away with eating a half of pizza to myself- they wouldn't stop me. They would feed me ice cream nearly every night during the summer, and dsidn't care that I used to be sedentary

Both my siblings are overweight too, so it's gotta be the way we were raised..

but now I've become a health nut, and I love it, I would never go back to how it used to be, despite eating all that unhealthy food, and if my family wants to eat themselves to a shorter life spand, then fine... :(
I try to help them, but thet just get mad :halfempty: