General chatter - Exes and marriage




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milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 12:20 PM
Most of us have probably had ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-girlfriends, etc. It is hard enough, at times, getting over an ex and trying to find new relationships. But what do you do when your ex has already "moved on" ?

I find that though I realize that my ex and I aren't a perfect match, it still hurts that it seems like he has moved on pretty fast. Since we are still friends, I have to be happy for him and accept that he may find another girlfriend whom is more to his liking. Sigh.

I have also come into the reality that at least one, if not more, of my exes is married. There is the guy who was probably a great catch, but I didn't like his personality, who is now married and living most likely in a very nice part of my area----he really liked me and gave me one of the nicest compliments ever. I feel like such a dummy for not giving him more of a chance.

There is a past ex whom I loved very deeply, and who kicked me to the curb sooooo fast. He wasn't really into bigger women, and tried to like me because of my personality and because he was lonely. But from how he acted towards me, I don't think he was attracted to me at all. never gave me a compliment. :( I really liked his personality and we got along great (a bit better than my recent ex, though my recent ex accepted me as a person), and he was very assertive and I would have really liked to have married him. But, I think he is now married to someone else. It hurts a bit because, well, he made it sooooo obvious that I was below him and not even worth a decent break up.

How have you dealt with getting over exes who have moved on to marriage or new girlfriends?


nelie
06-10-2010, 12:32 PM
There is only one ex which I really know about but I dated a guy in college that I really liked but I was insecure and pushed him away. A few months after our breakup he was with another girl and probably on his way to getting married to her. It stung a bit but I moved on with my life and I really never talked to him after our breakup.

Then my last ex, he tried to start dating probably the week after we broke up. I was like whatever. Anyway, he met a girl about 6 months after our breakup and she moved in with him shortly after that. I was actually pretty happy for him and they later got married and had 2 kids. Other than a few email exchanges here and there (like he sent me pictures of his kids), we didn't talk after our breakup and that was mostly my choice at least in the beginning. I recognized that I couldn't move on while trying to be friends with him.

So the basic answer is to just move on with your life and that may be harder to do if you keep in constant contact with an ex.

Oh and I started dating my husband about 6 months after his divorce (although they had been separated longer). I don't think my husband ever mentioned our relationship to his ex wife because even though she was the one that pushed him away, I think she was still healing (and he was too when we first started dating) and I think we both thought it best not to mention that he moved on so soon after their divorce. They didn't remain in contact but they did talk a few times in the first year of our relationship due to financial ties that they were sorting out.

souvenirdarling
06-10-2010, 12:43 PM
I stopped talking to them, e-mailing them, keeping track of their lives. Whether on good terms or not, I need to think forward, not backward, or it holds me back!


astrophe
06-10-2010, 12:47 PM
I just moved on. I found it best to have no contact at all that first year.

Later when it isn't fresh any more I could think about a "casual phone or cards friendship" and call or send an annual bday or xmas card if we parted on decent terms.

A.

milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 01:16 PM
Good suggestions. :)

motivated chickie
06-10-2010, 01:32 PM
I have a theory that people who move on fast are afraid to be alone. I was one of those people hopping from one person to the next. I took a few years off from dating and I'm better about that.

I agree about having no contact with an ex for awhile. My rule of thumb is that I can talk to an ex when I don't really care if I talk to him or not. If I HAVE to talk to him, obviously I'm not over him.

Usually I feel happy for exes who get married because I wish them well.

CanadianCutie
06-10-2010, 01:38 PM
Some one has to move on first. Yes it sucks when you're not the one who moves on first.
The first thing that stuck out to me was the comment about a perfect match. There is really no such thing as a perfect match. But on the other hand there is no use settling for someone who doesn't treat you right, or someone who's personality you don't like. There is a balance. I no longer have contact with my ex-husband, but I am still friends with a couple that I met through him so I know about his life still somewhat. Of course the stuff I usually hear about is his screw ups, and when I hear that he has met someone new, I almost feel compelled to warn the girl to run.

The thing that made me realize no contact was the best thing was the first woman he was with after he and I separated tried to pick a fight with me on myspace. She sought me out on there and starts sending me messages about how I didn't treat him right, and that me and my family never cared for him. I realize this was not his fault, but we were more of a family to him than his own parents, so knowing he told her stuff that made her believe me was enough to cut off contact.

Thighs Be Gone
06-10-2010, 01:41 PM
milliondollar--the best way to move on is to live your best life! Live well, live beautifully--do what makes you happy. Once you know how wonderful you are and know what you are "bringing to the table" you can be sure your fated counterpart will be ready to meet you!

milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 01:47 PM
Is it normal to feel like your ex is someone you want to keep in your life?

I have exes whom I loved, but am happy with their not being in my life anymore.

My recent ex was someone I opened up to more than any other person I dated. He is a good man, but maybe we just weren't right for each other. I also felt at times that if either one of us did not change, it wouldn't work. Well, I guess neither of us changed, to be honest.

I am hurt and a bit upset at myself because I did so much for the guy---sooooo much and I realize I should not have put his needs first. I tried to be patient as he was going through really difficult things, thinking that when things were better for him, he would start focusing more on our relationship. Well, that didn't happen, and he ended up leaving instead. So, I feel like he wasn't really thinking about my needs or how much I put into the relationship, only that he was tired of our arguing and wanted out. I don't blame him for that, I just wish he could see that we argued because of the issues within the relationship about things not being very equal. I always thought that if we broke up, I would be the one initiating it, or that we would have had a friendly sit down talk about things. for him to just slowly ease away made me feel kind of like I was a horrible person to be with. :(

I feel like he is someone I want to have in my life as my friend, because he is a kind person. And I do want him to be happy with someone who is a different person than I am.

It does hurt being alone though, and I am not sure when I want to start dating. I am just not sure of wether a guy will really like me for me.

milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 01:48 PM
milliondollar--the best way to move on is to live your best life! Live well, live beautifully--do what makes you happy. Once you know how wonderful you are and know what you are "bringing to the table" you can be sure your fated counterpart will be ready to meet you!

Thank you. :) I am trying to do that now. I realize how much of my life I put into my relationship and his needs, and now it is time for me to help myself, versus always trying to help others. :)

I think I have a lot to bring to the table, but guys are so fickle....I am just not sure they see what I have to offer.

nelie
06-10-2010, 01:51 PM
I think it may be best for you right now to break contact completely and then possibly you could be friends later on in life if you want.

I see how you talk about how much energy you put into him, but do you realize that you are still putting energy into him? You seem to think about him constantly and it upsets you. I think really a clean break for now will help you heal.

You aren't a horrible person but the two of you just weren't right for each other. It happens even if you are in love with someone.

kchiafulio
06-10-2010, 02:21 PM
I'm getting married Jan 14 2011 and want to lose AT LEAST 35 lbs but have no self control..... help..... :(

milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 02:23 PM
[QUOTE=nelie;3334410]I think it may be best for you right now to break contact completely and then possibly you could be friends later on in life if you want.

I see how you talk about how much energy you put into him, but do you realize that you are still putting energy into him? [QUOTE]

Thank you. ((hugs)). I think I have days where I feel ok and not bad about the break up, and then there are days when I feel kind of blue about it. i do think I am doing better in some ways and I want to keep up that momentum in my life. :) I have taken all of your advice, and I do not contact my ex like I used to. I let him contact me if he chooses to.

I think it is just the time of the year (summer is about love, yes?) and so, with everyone around me getting married and having babies, I am wondering where I will have the same thing, and where I fit into it all.

Thank you everybody. ((hugs))

milliondollarbbw
06-10-2010, 02:25 PM
I'm getting married Jan 14 2011 and want to lose AT LEAST 35 lbs but have no self control..... help..... :(

You can do it!! :) Think of it as.....losing only 6lbs per month, or 1.5lbs per week. You can so do it!! :) Best to start early now and maintain the weightloss, rather than dieting too heavily during the stressful months before your nuptials.

Congratulations!! :)