Weight Loss Support - Somewhere along the line, my backbone was removed (Warning: Rant ahead!)




ParadiseFalls
05-27-2010, 03:51 PM
I realize more and more how much of a doormat being fat makes me, and it's really starting to piss me off. Maybe it's because I'm losing weight and realizing it doesn't have to be this way forever, but I'm getting really tired of being such a pushover.

Yesterday I got scammed by a magazine salesman. I kind of knew all along, but it really hit me afterward.

He approached me in the mall--a guy around my age (early 20s)--and asked if I could do a survey to help him with school. He said he was earning points for a study-abroad trip to London. So I (very reluctantly) agreed, and he started asking me to rank my favorite magazines out of a list. ("You don't have to buy any--you're still helping just by taking the survey") so I ranked them, and then he said, "So which ones do you want to buy?" And at the point it was obvious it was a scam, but I was so humiliated to have been duped in the first place that I agreed to buy one.

I managed to say no when he asked which other one I wanted to buy, but the damage was done. I planned to give him a bogus credit card number I suspected by that point that I would never see this magazine, but he only could take cash--of course.

So that's the point when any self-respecting person would have said, "You know what? Thanks anyway but I think I'm good." But what do I do? Let him take me to the ATM and hand over $40 for a crappy magazine I don't want. All because I was too embarrassed to be the fat girl wasting someone's time. Even though I know he's a scammer.

I happened to be in a good mood after just having bought an iPad ( :D ) so I wasn't too upset about losing a week's worth of groceries or 2 weeks of gas money, but the more I thought about it the more I realized if I had been skinny I would have been able to stand up for myself. And of course he must have targeted me because I seem like (am) the pathetic fat girl. It's so incredibly frustrating. I just want it to not be like this anymore.

And I know I'll never see that damn magazine.


winning the war
05-27-2010, 04:14 PM
In reading your post, I realized I've been in that same position before. I am not proud of it, but it's true. I don't think we were targeted because of our weight, but because of our disposition and attitude. The one that says "yes, I am a door mat, please take advantage". The one that exudes no self confidence. While I can see how being thinner can give us some self confidence, I don't think weight is the whole, or even most of the issue. Self confidence and "back bone" so to speak comes from a place deep inside us, not from the numbers on the scale or the numbers sewn inside our clothing. You don't have to wait to be a certain weight to deserve to feel confident, or to stick up for yourself. Also, I think you put yourself in a pretty dangerous position letting someone walk you to the ATM. I found a great way to learn to say no is through self defense classes. Not because of the ability to physically defend myself, but because of the reminder that I'm worth defending. All of us are. So, I hope you find your voice and strength and, please, be safe. Good luck to you!

Jenny

ThicknPretty
05-27-2010, 04:14 PM
Girl, don’t feel bad, the EXACT same thing happened to me in the mall about a year ago or so. A cute young guy approaches me, says he’s a student and is new to the area, trying to earn money, blah blah blah. And he sweet talked me into buying quite a few subscriptions…and I’ve yet to see a single one! I was definitely swindled…he even went to far as to flirt and ask for my phone number.

I won’t let it happen again and I doubt you will either. Lesson learned.


Leenie
05-27-2010, 04:22 PM
I am going to move this to support.. I think you'll get more responses there.

Leenie

astrophe
05-27-2010, 04:48 PM
Scammers will target ANY and ALL. That doesn't have anything to do with your weight.


"All because I was too embarrassed to be the fat girl wasting someone's time."

Umm... The only person's time you "wasted" was yours. Because you knew you didn't need magazines and you hung around there anyway and bought some. (Which means wasted time and wasted money. )

You didn't waste HIS time. He was doing his job (legit or not) of trying to sell his wares to potential customers.

Whether he sold you one or not guess what his next move was? Move on to the next potential customer. It's not like you rocked his boat any.

If you want to stop being a pushover, well... just stop it then. Take the helm of your own boat in the Ocean of Life and steer it somewhere on purpose. Don't just float along letting the waves toss you about willy nilly.

Look out for YOU and your interests.

You don't have to be rude about it and tell the guy something like

"You *$&%(*@#)! Go get the )$*%$%)* out of my way! How DARE you speak to me!":mad:

A simple "No, thanks. I'm good for magazines right now. Have a nice day!" :smug: type answer

will do just fine.

Then just walk away and go spend YOUR time how YOU want to be spending it.

Again... it's your boat. You can sail it! You are allowed to! It is YOURS!

GL!
A.

kaplods
05-27-2010, 04:50 PM
And of course he must have targeted me because I seem like (am) the pathetic fat girl. It's so incredibly frustrating. I just want it to not be like this anymore.

You were not targeted because you seemed like the pathetic fat girl. These scam artists target everyone, and no one is entirely immune to the scam, but people who have the need or desire to be nice or "polite" do make better victims.

My husband's close friend is 30 years old, intelligent, highly educated (computer geek), very attractive (tv star good looks. He also spends a lot of time working out and it shows) - and he's a sucker for a good scam artist. He bought a $1500 dollar vaccuum cleaner from a door-to-door salesman (when he didn't really have the money to spend). Apparently (from the way his friends tease him) this isn't the first time, or the last time he's fallen prey to scam artists.




the more I thought about it the more I realized if I had been skinny I would have been able to stand up for myself.

You are creating this prison for yourself, the fat isn't. You can be a strong, confident, intelligent fat woman. And you might want to start practicing now, because a lot of self-doubting, timid, socially anxious overweight people lose weight only to find themselves self-doubting, timid, socially anxious thin people.

Social anxiety and susceptibility to social pressure doesn't magically appear with weight gain, nor does it magically disappear with weight loss.

If you think that you have to be skinny to stand up for yourself, then you will not stand up for yourself until you meet your own criteria (and maybe not even then - maybe you'll just create a different set of criteria) - but make no mistake, they're YOUR criteria. You're the one making most of these rules. Even the rules that other people make for you - you don't have to follow.

In my family, I'm the strong, independent, assertive, confident one (and I'm the only ginormously obese one. I have been "the fattest one" for as long as I can remember, even in early childhood). My small and gorgeous sisters are the quiet, shy ones. One has had such severe social anxiety issues that she needed medication for a while (it really helped her come out of her shell).

ParadiseFalls
05-27-2010, 04:55 PM
You're all completely right, of course.

astrophe, I know intellectually that you're right--he wouldn't have jumped off a cliff over the sale. But it was all about that potential of him thinking, "Oh, this fat girl wasted my time" rather than it being true. He's the scammer--I don't owe him anything. But I feel like I owe everyone something.

And winning the war, I completely agree that the weight isn't the problem really. I know girls who are as big as me or close to it who act confidently and are treated that way. But I just am not one of those people right now, and for me, my weight makes the problem inside a tangible issue.

(About the ATM, it was in the middle of the crowded mall, but you're right--it was stupid.)

SouthLake
05-27-2010, 05:04 PM
You need to stop seeing yourself as the "pathetic fat girl." NOW. You are a fabulous person who just happens to be overweight. So what? Your weight has no affect on the quality of your personality, and will only define you if you let it. The reason you are a doormat has nothing to do with your weight, and everything to do with your self-esteem. You are approaching life like you deserve less because you are overweight. You approach people like you're not as worthy of respect because you're overweight. You spend life feeling like you need to apologize for your existence because you are overwieight. None of these things are true. So knock it off! Don't allow yourself to be a doormat because you feel like that's just what comes from being overweight. You need to start taking charge of yourself now. You have every right to tell someone "no". You need to learn to tell someone no, no thank you, I'm not interested, leave me alone, etc. From experience, losing weight will not make you capable of saying any of these things. Only a change in how you view yourself and what you're worthy of.

And for the record,I've been approached by the exact same scam at 135 and 235 and everywhere in between. It has nothing to do with weight.

highflyer
05-27-2010, 05:17 PM
You weren't targeted because you were fat, they get everyone. They got my partner at our apartment and she's skinny. They just get anyone. Thankfully I was able to convince her to cancel the check she gave them to make sure it didn't go through.

Vladadog
05-27-2010, 05:22 PM
And this is why I never go to the Mall....

kaplods
05-27-2010, 05:25 PM
Whether or not you're trying to lose weight, there are several "size acceptance" self-help books that I think you'd find helpful in learning to see yourself as a valuable person NOW, not just 132 lbs from now.


I'd highly recommend the book

FAT!SO? : Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size by Marilyn Wann


Reading "size acceptance" books doesn't mean that you accept your size or that you don't want to change it - it only means that you choose not to determine your self-worth by the number on the scale.

You are not a number. You do not have to let your weight define you - ever. You teach others how to treat you, by what you allow.

My sister (the thin, pretty one) tells me that I'm "lucky" to be so outgoing and confident. Maybe she's right. Maybe luck (or genetics) has a lot to do with it, as I've always been more confident than she has (we don't share the genetics, as I was adoptede. Both my sisters (parents' biokids) have personality an self-esteem issues more like our parents (who are also shy, but in different ways).

But I also know that genetics is only part of the picture. I'm more confident than I ever was before I read size-acceptance stuff. My thin, pretty sister is also more outgoing since she went through counseling and medication for social anxiety.

You can change your behavior, even your thoughts. You don't have to let others hurt you, because you've decided it's ok for them to do so. Like any change, though it requires practice and experimenting with different techniques. Self help books, counseling, even medications might be a part of the process - but ultimately they all start with you deciding that you deserve something better.

astrophe
05-27-2010, 05:28 PM
Why do you feel you owe everyone something beyond the common courtesy people give strangers? Are you a people pleaser personality? I googled this and it seems sensible tips for overcoming the people pleaser mode since you say you are trying not to be like that any more. It is possible to be kind, but firm about your needs/wants/boundaries.

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser

Like I said... you don't have to be rude about it. But it is TOTALLY OK to say "no, thanks" and turn things down because you don't want or need them.

GL!
A.

JayEll
05-27-2010, 06:52 PM
You know what? Nothing could ever induce me to go to an ATM and withdraw $40 to give some random guy in the mall. Not at any size, not for any reason.

You're right, you'll never see a magazine.

Frankly, it had nothing to do with your size but everything to do with being a people pleaser. I've watched these folks work--they will keep you on the hook until you say "I'm done" and WALK AWAY. That is the ONLY way to get out of it. Trying to be polite is pointless because they use that against you.

I would have gotten his ID, taken a good look, and gone straight to mall Security. Or I would have started yelling for Security right then and there.

So sorry this happened to you. Thanks for warning us!

Jay

Heather
05-27-2010, 07:06 PM
I've been teaching an undergraduate seminar on persuasion this term, and I hope that I helped all my students learn what these techniques are and how to NOT feel guilty for just walking away. But the fact that this kind of thing needs to be taught to so many people just goes to show you how easy it can be to fall prey to them. You aren't alone in falling for it, but you also can learn from the experience!!!

saef
05-27-2010, 09:39 PM
ParadiseFalls, I am actually afraid for you.

Do you know how many women feel they have to be **nice** to the guy who eventually ends up raping them? Or perhaps murdering them?

Because they don't want to hurt the guy's feelings? Because they feel they have to be polite in getting away, and not cause a scene, or raise their voices?

This man was a stranger to you. He accosted you. You owe him nothing. Not even an answer, if he attempts to engage you in a conversation. If a stranger you don't want to talk to persists, you are well within your rights to raise your voice & say: "STOP BOTHERING ME!" so that anyone in earshot can hear. Yes, I'm giving you permission to make noise, to get REALLY LOUD, if someone tries this with you.

Believe your instincts. You have acquired them over years of interactions with people. You know when someone is a little off or when he or she wants something from you. Don't talk yourself out of what your perceptions have already signaled to you. Your reluctance at the start of this interaction is telling. You **knew** already that what you were about to be dragged into wasn't worth your time. And your instricts even told you it was a scam. You knew.

Listen to yourself. You're no idiot. And refuse to engage with these people. And get loud if you need to.

Don't be a nice, polite, kindly, possibly DEAD woman.

I mean, your life wasn't on the line this time. But what if it was? Those reactions will not help you at such a time.

DhaniCauldwell
05-27-2010, 09:53 PM
This is why I never take out my contacts or take off my glasses...I need them to see scam artists.

:queen: Dhani :queen:

ParadiseFalls
05-27-2010, 10:41 PM
Don't be a nice, polite, kindly, possibly DEAD woman.

I think I made myself sound worse than I am. I do know where to draw the line as far as safety—like when a clear junkie was following me and a friend in Atlanta to our car and asking for money, and when my friend made the stupid mistake of going to the car instead of continuing to walk, I physically pushed him out of the way when he tried to get in. But you are right.

And those of you talking about people pleasing, that's me—textbook people pleaser. I will definitely check out that link, astrophe. I am painfully aware that it's my self-image that makes people take advantage of me, I'm just unsure of how to fix that.

MisfitRycher
05-27-2010, 11:28 PM
I am painfully aware that it's my self-image that makes people take advantage of me, I'm just unsure of how to fix that.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Stop and think of all your good qualities. It doesn't have to be one set thing... It can be a personality trait or a physical quality.

For me, I was forcibly reminded of why I have my friends in the first place... My friend Crystal (an absolute sweetheart who is very BLUNT) told me I was smart, funny, beautiful and an awesome mom. And... She's right. I know she is and in some ways I can see it, but the big picture just isn't very clear for me right now. I've been able to acknowledge that I do indeed see myself as cute, which they keep responding to by saying I'm gorgeous, and that I'm one **** of a writer.

Doesn't take much... And you never notice when it happens... But suddenly one day you're standing there with your chin lifted to the sky and saying to yourself "I am worth the effort!". :)

Cglasscock1
05-28-2010, 12:23 AM
Warning: scary story ahead:
Saef is very right about the dangers involved in having strangers able to easily approach or influence us. Women must be appear self confident and self aware at all times in public.
Years ago, i was approached by a man in a mall parking lot who tried to talk to me while I was placing something in the trunk of my car. I cut off the conversation, slammed the trunk and quickly walked away. I later learned that soon after approaching me he and another man put a gun to the side of a young woman, forced her into her car, kidnapped and assaulted her for 24 hours and let her go in another city. Why did he not take me? The FBI told me it was that I appeared too confident, so he chose another woman.
All you lovely ladies here on 3FC, please remember that every smiling face is not a good person. Be glad if you only lose some money, and learn from it.

saef
05-28-2010, 10:07 AM
Paradise Falls wrote: I do know where to draw the line as far as safety—like when a clear junkie was following me and a friend in Atlanta to our car and asking for money, and when my friend made the stupid mistake of going to the car instead of continuing to walk, I physically pushed him out of the way when he tried to get in. [Emphasis added to original quote]

Good. I'm extremely relieved to read this. And so I don't think you are as far away as you think from being able to assert yourself in less dangerous situations. The setup is similar. You're out in the world, minding your own business & someone approaches you. He has an agenda. He wants something from you. You owe him nothing. Not even your attention. You have the power here. You are the buyer, the customer. He is imposing on you. You don't have to worry about whether you are acceptable to him -- in fact, it's quite the opposite. So I think what I'm saying remains applicable. Take that power. It's yours. You already proved with that junkie that you are not powerless in that world. So a mere salesman scam artist should be an easy brushoff next time.

Do you go to a gym? Do they offer kickboxing? I'd try a class, if you ever find one that's accessible, or go out & look for one. It might help you open your personal can of whup@ss.

fatmad
05-28-2010, 11:18 AM
Paradise: I think you were rather brave to be able to post a story about yourself that is a little embarrassing, putting yourself out there. I don't need to repeat what others have said about rebuilding your self-esteem and being stronger, but I think that just posting this and being able to take the (mostly) contructive criticism, you have started the journey and will make it to a place of greater strenghth.
Have a good trip.....

ParadiseFalls
01-17-2011, 02:57 PM
Hey ladies!

Well, eight months later, one of these scammers (same exact MO and story about the school trip, same style list of magazines) showed up at my door. My boyfriend opened it, and after I heard a bit of the conversation, I went out and told the guy we were not at all interested and closed the door. Then I called my apartment complex office, and they sounded like they'd be happy to kick him off the property :D

TooManyDimples
01-17-2011, 03:42 PM
I don't think it's actually a scam, but they definitely teach them how to sweet talk people. I've had multiple experiences with these people, and in multiple states. I only ever got talked into it once, later I felt like an idiot and immediately had it cancelled. They target EVERYONE.

JayEll
01-17-2011, 04:24 PM
It's a scam.

Jay

seagirl
01-17-2011, 05:21 PM
Had you given the guy at the mall your home address??

Pint Sized Terror
01-17-2011, 06:14 PM
I agree with the others that it has nothing, NOTHING to do with your size. Scammers, criminals, rapists, perverts... they all target people who seem to be an easy catch. I'm small. Just over 5'2" and let me tell you, just because I'm small (and overweight at that) doesn't mean I should be afraid of hurting someone's feelings. Do you think I feel bad because I tell someone no? No.

Over a year ago, I went with some girlfriends to a male review. (Men were "stripping") I hadn't wanted to go because I just don't like that sort of thing, but I was assured that they would be sitting far away. They did sit far away, but that didn't stop one of the strippers from messing with me. He kept grabbing me and ignoring me when I asked him to stop. I could've left, but I didn't want to be "that girl". Then, while the guy was up on stage, he left the stage, grabbed me by the arm and literally dragged me up onto stage, where he knocked me down, climbed on top of me and began grinding on me. I just tried to clamp my legs together, covering my face, until he let me go. Everyone around was cheering and stuff, probably because they thought it was all supposed to be going on. A few days later, after my friends assured me that it was NOT supposed to be like that (I had never been to a male review) I went to the police department and pressed charges. He said I wasn't the first woman to go through that at that particular club either. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was overweight and uncomfortable with my body. It wasn't because I wore makeup and a cute sweater (to this day I don't like wearing that sweater), or because I was the heavier girl in the group. He picked me because I didn't stand up for myself. The reason I didn't fight back harder was because I didn't want to cause a scene. I didn't want to be impolite. The result? I felt disgusting, used and afraid.

I'm a big, big advocate of R.A.D. Education. Rape Aggression Defense Education. You don't have to be in a rape or assault situation to need to defend yourself. They teach you how to effectively tell someone NO. If things escalate, they can help you fight back. Whether that situation is in a crowded mall with someone continually asking you to do something you don't want to (a firm NO will suffice) or you're attacked from behind as you're walking to the car. They do classes all over the US, and sometimes they are free. They're open to women only, from ages 13+. If nothing else, they help you gain some confidence. They helped me understand that in some cases, it's more than ok to "cause a scene" or be "impolite". Their website: http://rad-systems.com/programs.html
(http://rad-systems.com/programs.html)

ParadiseFalls
01-17-2011, 08:39 PM
seagirl, this was a different person (different city) but from the same company. (I actually had given him the address because I thought I was ordering a magazine, but not the same person. They're just run-of-the-mill schemers, not stalkers! I hope ;) )

It's definitely a scam — I never got that subscription I ordered the first time, and there's talk all over the Internet by others who have been scammed.

Pint, sorry that happened to you at the club. That's some very good advice. I could stand to take one of those classes.

fivestone
01-17-2011, 09:13 PM
Great job, ParadiseFalls!!! I bet it felt awesome to say no to the scammer, and taking the extra mile to call the office was a nice touch!

Eye-opening article about young people on magazine sales crews, and some of the stuff the go through... apparently some of them are as much a victim of the scams as the people who buy the magazines:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/21/us/21magcrew.html?_r=1&fta=y

A related link from a support organisation for youth that want to leave the sales crews... also has some links to some related articles... wow. I had no idea all this was going on:
http://www.parentwatch.org/about.html

midwife
01-17-2011, 09:16 PM
Pint, thank you for that link! They have a program actually AT my daughter's university. I'm going to get the info and get her and her friends to sign up if they will!

Gosh, I was so excited about the link that I forgot! Paradise, WTG!

ParadiseFalls
01-17-2011, 10:51 PM
Fivestone, I stumbled upon that article when I encountered the first guy. Really compelling story, and it's scary and sad that it goes on!

AmandaMamma
01-18-2011, 02:55 AM
Ive been stopped twice by those guys. Once in a Target and I went right to security. Both times the guys were trying really hard to be charming. It felt wrong on so many levels. Ick.

Deena52
01-18-2011, 05:42 AM
I so agree with the people here who said that this type of thing is not really directly related to being overweight. Being overweight, of course, does not make it any better and just exacerbates it.....but the main issue is our personality type.....non-assertive, people-pleaser, non-confrontational, easily guilt-ridden, "yes" person, etc. And this won't go away when you lose weight, believe me. Sure, it could help....but it will still be there.

I have made it a general rule not to purchase ANYTHING that I was not seeking out myself.....except maybe if the one soliciting is an 8 year old child selling wrapping paper for school, etc. But other than that, I do not buy when someone attempts to solicits me....no matter what. I simply say that I'm not interested or that sorry, I don't have any money. Once you begin to get in the habit of doing this, you will begin to sound and become more and more confident (as opposed to tentative). At this point, solicitors don't even try to continue to bug me when I tell them no. They quickly go on to the next victim.....obviously reading me as a "no means no" person....which is quite a miracle for someone like me.

And this includes all sorts of individuals who will approach me at gas pumps or in front of stores/convenience stores...who have a tale of woe and are asking me for a few dollars. I stick with NO....because for someone like me, that's what I have to do.
I don't even give to charities until I check out their ratings and reputation first....and check out how much of the $ actually goes to the cause. You can get this info on the internet. When I donated to the Haiti earthquake cause, I went directly to the Red Cross only rather than to donate to any of these relief charities I'd never heard of before.

I'm a very non-assertive person, unfortunately. But luckily, I have conquered the whole 'giving out money/getting taken or scammed' thing and it can be done. Just stick with the rule.

Consider the $40 to be a final lesson. Listen....this is a small price to pay to learn the lesson and benefit from it. There are so many who have fallen for these 419 scams and have spent thousands of dollars. These scams make billions of dollars a year from their victims.....so clearly, there are plenty of people falling for them. Just check out some of the 419 scam sites to see this....it's truly horrifying.
Basic rule: do not EVER give $ to anyone who asks you for it who you encountered on the internet....no matter what great story they give you. Do not give $ to anyone you have never met in person. EVER. And do not give to anyone who solicits you first.

By the way (just as an aside...because I'm quite a bit older than you are)....people (particularly women...though this can happen to men also) who have our sort of personality issues are often victims of abusive (physically and/or emotionally) husbands/boyfriends (or wives/girlfriends). We don't even see them coming and don't realize that we've yet again hooked up with the same person over and over. Psych professionals call this "a lid for every pot"....meaning that there is a person with a corresponding dysfunction for our particular dysfunction.....and we will find each other across a crowded room....having no idea what is happening.....and not meaning for this to happen....not recognizing the red flags (or ignoring them).
Seriously, I now think I'm a candidate who should have had parents make a match for marriage for me.....that's how bad I am at this. My dysfunction has made me my own worst enemy when it's come to this.

Interesting story....my boss years ago liked to date married men (she was married with children herself....but would always seek out married men). We had this Christmas party one year where there were all these male vendors and somehow...almost like magic....all the men who approached her turned out to be married. The ones who approached me were not.
How did they know? Sonar? Radar?
Often, people can sense/recognize their victims subconsciously. There are users and those who are easily used. And the users have an uncanny knack for finding the ones they can easily use....almost by radar. It's as if we have a sign on our forehead or on our back.

We have to learn the rules and coping skills to deal with them.....as it's unlikely our personalities will completely change. We have to learn to adapt and to avoid the problems that go along with having this type of personality.

deena :):hug:

shannonmb
01-18-2011, 08:47 AM
I like this thread. I've always felt obliged to let people give their schpiel or in other ways walk on me. I have opened the door for strange men while home alone just because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Once I even gave two scruffy looking guys a ride out into the middle of nowhere, just because they asked. OMG, it makes me cringe! I do believe I'm lucky I'm not dead. My sister called me out one day while we were shopping, as soon as someone moves into the direction of where I'm looking, I walk away to give that person room. She was like, WTF, you were there first and you have every right to take the time you need to make your choice. Really, just writing all this makes me sad.

I am a fat person, and even though skinny people can have low self-esteem, I do think mine is tied a lot to having always just taken a back seat because of my weight. The reason I believe this, is that getting healthier and stronger, I find my falling prey to other people's BS has gotten progressively better. It works in a circle -- I stand my ground, I feel stronger working out and eating right, I feel stronger working out and eating right, and I feel stronger in my rights as a human being.

Nowadays, when accosted by a kiosk worker at the mall, I don't even stop walking - just say no thank you and keep movin'. If they keep it up, I actually get a little perturbed and it makes it even easier to stand my ground. When a person comes to the door that I'm not expecting, I just don't answer it if I don't flippin' feel like it or don't feel safe. It's my frickin door, I'll answer it or not if I want, I'm not obligated just cause you knocked on it! And no, scary looking dudes, you can't have a ride out into the woods -- what do I look like, an idiot? hahaha

ParadiseFalls
01-18-2011, 11:02 AM
Both times the guys were trying really hard to be charming. It felt wrong on so many levels. Ick.

That's what bothered me so much. Fine, I can appreciate that sometimes you get screwed, but the way these guys do it really gets to me. I know if you're flirting with a 300-pound girl (me) you're not telling the truth about something!

deena, thanks for the excellent advice. I realize I would be an easy target for someone abusive. Luckily my boyfriend is a really great guy, but it's something I'll need to stay aware of.

And shannonmb, I know exactly how you feel. I'm the girl who apologizes when someone bumps into me or when the clerk drops my money AFTER I let go. :/

Pint Sized Terror
01-18-2011, 08:41 PM
I really wish you wouldn't put yourself down so much because of your weight. I have friends who are overweight and obese more so than me, and they are confident, attractive women. Honestly, their confidence totally outshines women half their size.

I am overweight, and I am insecure. Even when I was thin, I was insecure. I was taken advantage of at 100lbs and 180lbs. It had nothing to do with what I looked like and everything to do with how I carried myself and stood up for myself. I might as well have carried a sign that said, "I'm insecure with myself and lack the ability to tell you when you're overstepping boundaries. Feel free to walk all over me."

You want to know something else? My friend and I, the one who is obese, go to the mall together and all it takes is one "no" from her and people leave her be. She's never approached by people wanting money or anything else. I am constantly. It's one of the main reasons I hate going anywhere by myself, which is one of the reasons I'm approached. People sense I'm uncomfortable. Ugh.

LightRaven
01-18-2011, 09:12 PM
There is a book out there called "Nice Girls Finish Fat" by Karen Koenig. I've read about half of it so far, there is a good portion that rings true for me- but apparently I'm not *that* nice. :lol: (I mean, I'm generally a nice person and I do put other people's needs and wants before my own, but I'm also too blunt, too honest and too moody)

I tend to attract narcissists. They are such a lovely group of people.. really.

LR

Kahokkuri
01-18-2011, 09:18 PM
I love this thread! Makes me realize that I need to start thinking of myself differently now and become less of a doormat. I have a guilt complex about everything--I'm too busy helping out with one event to help out with another, I don't want to do something but I feel bad about not wanting to do it, I'm worried that I'm at the cause of problems in which I'm not really involved--that I really want to work on. No matter what size I am I know that this particular trait needs some work. Can't wait to look into some of these books.

LightRaven
01-18-2011, 10:24 PM
Yea, personality tends not to change regardless of your size!

You know, I wouldn't say that I'm a doormat. I guess it really depends on the person, the situation, and the relationship to that person.

I will do almost anything to someone who I feel loyal to (like my mom).
If it's an acquaintance and it's something ******ed or outrageous, It's like.. you can kiss my butt! Even if it's a good friend, if I really can't or don't want to do it, I don't have a problem saying no.

It's the boyfriends I get screwed with. I end up with these men who like to take take take but never give. Infact, my last boyfriend was such a charming little narcissist that for the first few months, I drove him everywhere he wanted to go, gave him money, tried to be the person he wanted me to be..etc etc.. it was such a disaster and in hind sight.. I have no idea why I was with him. and then we got into a heated argument that got physical. It changed the entire dynamic of the relationship. I turned into a psycho lunatic trying to get him to break up with me- which didn't work. And then I tried many times to break up with him- which didn't work. It took me 4 months to shake this guy.

I believe my backbone has grown back since then. There is alot of guilt I carry with me for being with such an abusive person. :( It's hard not to beat myself up for it. But I try to remind myself that even though it took 4 months, I did get out of it. There are many women who never do.

LR

kaplods
01-18-2011, 11:04 PM
if you're flirting with a 300-pound girl (me) you're not telling the truth about something!

Really? So the guys that flirted with me at 300 lbs, and even at almost 400 lbs, were all liars? All the great guys I dated were liars. My husband who I met at 375 lbs and who I married at 394 lbs, he's obviously been lying to me for the past eight years of marriage? Are you sure about that?

Not all guys who are attracted to plus-sized women are douchebag liars (just as not all guys who are attracted to blonde centerfolds are upstanding honest men).

If someone is flirting with you and trying to get something from you - that's a much bigger red flag than what you happen to weigh. Some guys may assume that a fat girl makes a better victim, but they don't get very far with a girl who knows how not to be a victim.

I never dated jerks, because I had a great jerk-detection system (which is actually a very simple system - ask a lot of questions, and pay attention to the answers. Don't date a guy who tells inconsistent stories, or who answers your "big questions" in ways that you don't like. If he seems to good to be true or seems insincere and dishonest - trust your instincts).

BreathingSpace
01-19-2011, 12:04 AM
Warning: scary story ahead:
Saef is very right about the dangers involved in having strangers able to easily approach or influence us. Women must be appear self confident and self aware at all times in public.
Years ago, i was approached by a man in a mall parking lot who tried to talk to me while I was placing something in the trunk of my car. I cut off the conversation, slammed the trunk and quickly walked away. I later learned that soon after approaching me he and another man put a gun to the side of a young woman, forced her into her car, kidnapped and assaulted her for 24 hours and let her go in another city. Why did he not take me? The FBI told me it was that I appeared too confident, so he chose another woman.


Whoa, I got the chills when I read that.

What you are saying is very true. I have a friend who was a police officer and now is a detective. I was talking to her about how I put on my "eff you, don't even LOOK at me or I'll f*ck you up" face when I walk alone at night. She said that is the BEST thing I can do because most of her assault cases consist of men who prey on women who seem timid and not confident.

~BreathingSpace~

shcirerf
01-19-2011, 12:23 AM
I ran into those magazine kids this summer in the Wal Mart parking lot. They were very friendly and very nice/complimentary, and boy were they cute.:carrot::D I answered there happy little survey but did NOT buy any magazines. Felt good about myself all the way home. Had a good time flirting and kept my money.

In the wise words of my gramma, "stand up straight, pull your shoulders back, keep your head up, get your hair out of your eyes so you can see, and go forth!"

shcirerf
01-19-2011, 12:33 AM
Whoa, I got the chills when I read that.

What you are saying is very true. I have a friend who was a police officer and now is a detective. I was talking to her about how I put on my "eff you, don't even LOOK at me or I'll f*ck you up" face when I walk alone at night. She said that is the BEST thing I can do because most of her assault cases consist of men who prey on women who seem timid and not confident.

~BreathingSpace~


OOOH! ICK!

I do eat lunch in the local park quite often, this time of year in my truck, it's cold outside, but there is always this guy in a gold Malibu, that drives by real slow, like a stalker or something, I always, look him in the eye when he goes by, but makes the hair stand up on the back of me neck. *shudders* just something weird about him. Creeps me out.

XLMuffnTop
01-19-2011, 12:03 PM
At least this happened in a public place and I hope he wasn't given your home info. Scammers do target all types - they just throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

A few months back, a door-to-door security (ironic) salesman came to our house when my husband was home. Luckily I, nor our kids were there. He pretty much barged into our house walking through saying "We'll put a security box here... do this... do that" blah blah blah. My husband was PISSED. Told him to get the **** out. The dude said he'd come back when the family was home to discuss the buying options.

Well, I called the company this guy said he was with and it turns out they had NO salesmen out in the area nor are they that pushy. So hubby immediately called the cops and they searched the area for him and kept a watch on our house for a month. I was creeped out by some guy knowing the layout of our house, that we have laptops, mp3s, nice big LCD TV, where our kids rooms are and their ages based on the decorations.

Don't feel bad for being targeted, just try to learn from it (as it sounds like you have). Trust your instincts - if you feel uncomfortable say no and leave. If you're at home, still say no but if they won't leave just call the cops. They have NO right to bother you or get angry if you don't want something especially when they shove it in your face uninvited.

ParadiseFalls
01-19-2011, 11:19 PM
Really? So the guys that flirted with me at 300 lbs, and even at almost 400 lbs, were all liars? All the great guys I dated were liars. My husband who I met at 375 lbs and who I married at 394 lbs, he's obviously been lying to me for the past eight years of marriage? Are you sure about that?

Sorry. I know this way of thinking is problematic. What I meant is that, with very few exceptions, no healthy-weight stranger who doesn't have a thing for fat women in particular would ever approach someone like me. I have a boyfriend who loves me, but he's attracted to me because he loves me. My body is not attractive. Maybe *I* am to some people, but not on the outside.

AmandaMamma
01-20-2011, 08:36 AM
Oh dear. There are a lot of guys who prefer the look and feel of plus size women. They arent all weird fetishists either. But I say oh dear because your statement was made with such finality. And it makes me kind of sad to hear you say that about yourself.

ParadiseFalls
01-20-2011, 03:12 PM
Well, I should probably stop before I get myself in trouble here. I didn't mean to offend anyone.

Heather
01-20-2011, 03:28 PM
ParadiseFalls -- I'm going to go ahead and close this thread, as it sounds like you might want that. FYI, you can always close threads that you start. If you don't want it closed, it can be reopened.