100 lb. Club - 2010 was supposed to be a fresh start ..




Bazz Major
05-27-2010, 12:58 PM
Hey guys!

I'm not sure if any one of you can remember me but I've been on the forums for a while, on and off. I've been absent for a few months now but I've been thinking about my weight a lot lately so I decided to check out how you guys were doing!

I have a few things that I need to get off my chest so I apologise in advance if this post is going to be a long one & depressing, possibly?! I'm normally a cheery person so I will try to keep this post sane as much as possible, hehe.


Right .. at the start of the year, I told myself that 2010 is going to be a new start and the best year yet. It's not even the end of the year yet but I've already stamped 2010 as the worst year of my life! It wasn't all bad to start with, though .. my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Nichole, on 01.01.10 @ 12:50 AM :] Now, I live in Wales but it had been snowing usually since December so the weather got worse throughout January and February. It does not usually snow in Wales and if it did, it would only snow a bit in March. The snowing began before Christmas and went on to early March. As a result, I've missed a lot of college. The college wasn't closed the whole time but I was too scared to go out in case I'd slip on the ice. It's like a phobia for me or something. Therefore, as a result, I've missed a lot of college work so it's difficult to do the assignments & having depression doesn't really help. I've been diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago when I've begun to notice changes in myself after my paternal grandmother passed away: I was so close to her. Also, having an abusive boyfriend didn't really help.

It was early March when I broke down: I was absolutely struggling to get my assignments done because I physically and mentally couldn't do them. However. I've talked to my college tutor, who was very kind enough to give me an extension on my assignments because he understood what it's like to have depression and he could see how serious I was about my college work and my future. I was feeling a bit better after all of that until I found out online that an amazing friend, Emilie, took her own life a month earlier (4th February). I was so asborbed in my own life that I didn't take notice of the others or even the outside world. From that point there, I just broke down. I began having nasty nightmares, where my mother & the abusive boyfriend were killing me and everyone I loved were turning against me. With the nightmares, I'd often woke up in the middle of the night screaming and I physically lashed out at my mother because I thought I was still in the nightmares!

So I've missed college even more, which means adding more assignments to the pile. I care about the college course a lot and I don't want to repeat a year because I really want to go to university next year so I am very determined to work on my assignments through the summer and be ready, all for a fresh start for the 2nd year in college, in September. Right now, it just doesn't seem possible! :{

Last month, after 5 years with an abusive boyfriend, I was strong enough to end things with him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, especially when I had to tell my family and friends with the boyfriend did to me :'{ I've had a lot of emotional support but it became too overwhelming for me so I began to lose sleep and became insomniac. At one point, I'd stopped eating because I was too sick with grief. You'd think that after a month, he would get the message and understand that I want nothing to do with him ever again. Nope, he's still hassling me online. I've blocked him on Windows Live and facebook but somehow, he still manages to get through to me. I've also had abuse from his younger sister, who called me a twisted liar because she doesn't believe that he had been abusive to me, which is funny because he's been violent towards her and the rest of the family. His sister has never liked me so it's kinda insulting to be called that especially when she knows deep down that it's true.

So I've turned 19 on Monday and what have I got to show for it? Nothing! I just feel so trapped and hurt .. I even feel like I'm a 40 year old divorcee on the brink of suicide! :'{

I will admit that I've considered suicide many times but it's the love and support of my family and friends that stops me from actually committing suicide. I know that I need some sort of help .. I've already been to a doctor and he said that he would sort me out with a conjuctive therapy?? That was back in February and I'm still waiting for it. I went off the anti depressants at the end of March because I was fed up of taking loads of different tablets which didn't help so I just wanted to stop ramming chemicals in my body and find a natural method to help me beat this.
I just feel so alone right now and I feel that I'm going nowhere in life right now :'{


If you've been reading the whole post then thank you sooo much! And I'm terribly sorry for waffling on .. I just needed to get it all off my chest!

Beth :]


ThicknPretty
05-27-2010, 01:20 PM
Oh sweetie…this isn’t really my forum, but I had to respond to your post. First of all :hug:

Some years are just going to be worse than others. Sometimes, you’ll have a bunch of really bad ones in a row! However, you are young and have a lot to look forward to, I promise. It’s times like this that you must look forward. And acknowledge the fact that you ARE making strides to better yourself, your surroundings and your life in general.

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. I know that is truly devastating…and it’s okay to be sad. In regards to any weight loss during this time, put that to the side. You clearly have bigger priorities than that. Life will get in the way of weight loss sometimes and it might be better to just give yourself some time than force anything when you are struggling with so much else. (Not sure if you’re still trying to lose weight, I just had that thought.)

I’ve dealt with depression as well and I know how it can really become a handicap for us. It affects every area of your life if you let it. That’s why you must make your mental and emotional well being your priority, address all these issues and be constructive. The year is not over, there is so much time for fun and happiness and success!

I hope things get better for you.

nationalparker
05-27-2010, 01:24 PM
Beth ~ Hang in there! In reading your post, I've noticed you HAVE done a lot to be proud of in 2010 - and we're not even halfway there.

You recognized that YOU were important and valuable and made the difficult but necessary choice to end a toxic relationship. That's tougher than many of us can imagine, and you deserve praise for that. Many people go years and years and still never come to that point.

You still have your college as a priority in your life, yes there were some setbacks you hadn't planned on, but you weren't sitting at home, glued to the tv and eating bonbons the whole time ... you persevered and sought help from your tutor and have demonstrated that you know that's important and are following through on your goals to get to university!

Keep seeking therapy assistance - it's hard to be proactive when you're feeling depressed, but YOU'RE WORTH IT. We can't be all things to all people, but we CAN be the person we need to be for ourselves and look out for ourself. Is there something that you and Emilie had in common that you'd be interesting in pursuing on your own in her memory - something to take up a little time and give you another focus?

Don't waste time worrying (and it doesn't sound as if you are) about the ex's family - they're going to defend him no matter what. Good for you for blocking him and keep adding more blocks as needed. You're stronger for that, every day.

Is the weather getting better there to where you can take some walks out in the sunshine - some natural mood elevators? If you struggle to fall asleep at night, maybe put a small tv in the room with a dvd of a show you know well (?) and turn it on as you try to fall asleep, not to really pay attention but to turn off the worries in your mind - this worked for me during a rough time when music didn't help. Keep the lines of communcation open with your friends and family - let them know if you'd like to spend time with them. Don't try to handle this on your own. And most of all, remember you are a valued, special person who deserves good things in life. Happy belated birthday and let's toast to a much better June for you!
Bonnie


MoveMoveMove
05-27-2010, 08:32 PM
So I've turned 19 on Monday and what have I got to show for it? Nothing!

Oh no darling you've got a lot to show for it. You made a decision and took action to improve your life. Several decisions and actions actually.

I am proud of you.

Depression is a heck of a monster. Take care not to let yourself get too tired/stressed.

And ditto to what the others have said.

Sending you :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Bazz Major
06-01-2010, 06:48 PM
Hey guys.

Thanks very much for your responds and kind words. I now can see that I have done a few good things this year, like putting an end to a toxic relationship. I just couldn't see it because I am overwhelmed by all the negativity.

I am unhappy about the way I look but losing weight isn't a huge priority at the moment. I'm more concerned about getting my assignments done and I just want to be happy. I am going to try St. John's wort when I've got enough money. I'd prefer a natural alternative to help me with the depression rather than ram chemicals in my body. I will have to say that I am not dieting at the moment but I'm not eating the right foods yet I'm losing weight slowly. Should I be concerned?

Thanks again, guys! [:

mizb1978
06-01-2010, 07:40 PM
I am not an expert, but I agree with all the posts. You have done quite a lot! I know people who at twice your age, aren't half the person you are! You are a strong, intelligent and beautiful young woman.

As for losing weight and not eating right. If the weight drops rapidly or falls to far, then maybe you should worry. Small losses don't seem to be a big concern.

astrophe
06-01-2010, 08:54 PM
You have done a LOT for yourself! Getting rid of the abusive BF was a huge step! I know you still are dealing with aftermath but you told your family, your doctor, your tutor, are trying to get your school work on track, are trying to eat healthy... you are doing everything right and creating the support system you need around you to get over this rough patch.

You rock on! 2010 def IS your year for big changes!

Hang in there, sweetie!

:hug:
A

MissKoo
06-01-2010, 11:18 PM
Hey guys!

So I've turned 19 on Monday and what have I got to show for it? Nothing! I just feel so trapped and hurt .. I even feel like I'm a 40 year old divorcee on the brink of suicide! :'{
Beth :]

Honey, I've got to say that 19 is too young to be having a mid-life crisis. I'm not sure what you think you need to show for your years - you are just starting out! Are you comparing yourself to someone else? Something I didn't realize at 19 was that the schedule I had in mind for my life wasn't written in ink.

I can hear your pain in what you posted. If you are having suicidal thoughts please, please tell someone! You mentioned your family is there for you - what a blessing. You said you feel trapped - depression can make you feel that way. Trapped in your pain and depressed thinking. I understand that meds might not feel right for you but there are other types of treatment.

So, take a deep breath. 2010 can still be your best year (so far). From what I can tell from your post you are a lovely, intelligent and well-spoken young woman who is going through a difficult and painful time of her life. Just do what you can each day and take care of yourself. It's not a race - really!

BTW, you mentioned you felt like "a 40 year old divorcee on the brink of suicide" - that describes one of my closest friends. She was going through a horrid divorce at the age of 40 and wasn't quite suicidal but was going through ****. Now? She's 45 and happily remarried to a great guy.

Sending you hugs!

Bazz Major
06-01-2010, 11:47 PM
Oh wow, you ladies are so lovely! Saying all those lovely things about me. Thanks!

I'm not losing a huge amount of weight. I'm not even sure if I've lost weight. It's just I feel a bit lighter and my clothes are a bit loose now. I know I'm too young to be reaching a mid-life crisis. It just feels like it, hehe. MissKoo, that sucks about your friend but I am glad she is happy again! Hopefully things will sail well for me soon :]

caliyah
06-02-2010, 12:49 AM
hey sweety

Sometimes there are moments in life when everything can be so overwhelming especially when we lose someone that is so dear to us. Just remember to count your blessings and take a step back and think about how you can live your life each day and live it fully and be a better you. One thing I do whenever I go through a tough time is to go out and volunteer to help others. Just going out and and helping to touch the lives of others and helping them live better, be happier and reach their dreams made me realize how we may not know it but we really mean so much to so many. Remember it's all about taking your goals and dreams one step at a time. Its like climbing stairs, you can't skip steps to get to the top.

gloo
06-02-2010, 01:03 AM
Oh sweetie, I just want to give you a ginormous hug.

I agree with what everyone else has said already. Although it's been a sucky, sucky year for you so far, you have many positive things to show for it.

Putting school and family and the sad passing of your friend and grandma (I'm so sorry for your losses :() aside for a moment, just take a look the strength it took for you to leave an unhealthy, abusive relationship. You stood up and said enough is enough. You took a stand, and a huge positive step in healing yourself. Please don't diminish how strong you are, because some women three times your age in relationships for far longer haven't done what you have at such a young age. I applaud your bravery.

You have acknowledged you have issues with depression and you're getting help. Another enormous step to healing.

The weight? The weight thing will happen in time. You're heading in such a positive direction...don't stress yourself out about the scale.

You are a beautiful, warm young lady who has been through a **** of a lot at age 19. Take a deep breath and realize how much you've done to set yourself back on the right path. The rest will fall into place.

Big, big hugs to you in Wales from my little corner of California. Stay strong. :hug:

kendra
06-02-2010, 01:54 AM
awwwww(((hugs)))) I know exactly where you are coming from because I've been there. I know it is tough to battle back from depression and suicidal thoughts but I know you can do it. You are so strong and have made so many good changes already. There is no reason why you can't make 2010 your year still. It might not be the best but there is still time. Just take it one day at a time and 1 assignment at a time.

Just remember Never give up and Never stop believing. (my fave quote)
If you need to vent, talk, cry, we are here for you. This board is so great for that and everyone is so nice. ***hugs***

bex
06-02-2010, 02:14 AM
Aw hugs for you hun.
I cant even imagine what youre going through.
You should be so proud of yourself for ending such a toxic relationship. Although youre struggling at the moment things will get easier.

Also you are so beautiful!! And so young. You should also be proud of yourself for not giving up on your education. I know going through awful times can make you want to give up but congrats for not doing that.

Also congrats for not wanting to go on anti depressants. I would be looking into something like Bach flower remedies (they helped me a lot with my depression), also just talking helps so much, and exercise, even if its just a little bit, releases endorphines and makes you feel great, oh and maybe writing a diary?

I hope you're feeling better hunny xx