General chatter - Weight loss anonymity - it is normal?

My Body in Motion
05-26-2010, 10:53 PM
So here's a topic I can't seem to get off my mind. I don't feel comfortable talking to friends and family about my weight loss/ healthiness journey. Is that normal?

The only person I really talk to about it is my husband. But I don't want anyone else to know what a struggle this is for me. I don't want them to know how much I think about weight, food, calories in, calories out, exercise, etc.

I don't know whether I'm ashamed that I'm struggling, whether I just don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm overweight, whether I don't want to make others uncomfortable by talking about it, whether they would think I was just fishing for compliments, whether I just think it's a personal journey etc.

Well, I guess I know the last one isn't true... because I've started a blog and I really want others to support me along this journey. The problem is... I don't want those people to be people that I actually interact with on a daily basis.

My husband and a dear friend who is also on a healthiness journey are the only two people I gave my blog address to. And I've found a couple other followers on 3fc which I LOVE! I just love the comments and support from people who are going through the same thing.

Maybe that's it... maybe I don't want to share my struggle with people who aren't in the same boat. Do I think they won't understand?

Does anyone else out there not talk about their journey with close friends and family?

05-26-2010, 11:03 PM
My close friends basically know that I have been picky about my food choices, and that I take a dance class, but that's about it! I too feel uncomfortable talking about it, or bringing it up. Actually I'm fine if they specifically ASK, but otherwise I just don't bother broaching the subject.

I'm kind of nervous to be moving in with three of my close friends soon... I have housemates now but they are not good friends and we don't do much together and have our own separate rooms and cupboards and things like that, but I know the place where I'm moving house meals will be common and we will just know a lot about each others lives. Interested to see how it goes... but just weired out at the fact that people will... know!

05-26-2010, 11:29 PM
I know exactly what you are talking about. I tried to keep it from most everyone at work. It hasn't really worked however because people are now commenting on the fact that i eat a lot of fruit and cut up vegetables. The only guy in our department was probably the biggest offender. He has made several comments (not mean) and the other day said "You've been eating a lot of healthy stuff lately. Have you lost any weight?" I wanted to scream "Yes!" but I stopped myself and said only "I am not at liberty to say"

I purposely had chosen not to say anything because I wanted to know when people noticed without worrying they only commented because they knew I had been trying.

05-26-2010, 11:45 PM
Same here. My mom knows because she's been calorie counting for longer than I have... and she knows how to use the website and figure calorie counts out for everything. :p So I ask her. But other than that... I really don't tell anyone else anything except "sorry... can't eat that... I'm on a diet".

(and... off topic... but... URGH... I want a ticker!! But I still have to wait like... another five/six days!!)

05-27-2010, 12:50 AM
I do not tell people, that keeps the diet police off my back. I seldom discuss my weight. When I do admit it I usually say"yes, I have lost weight and I did it on purpose". I try then to go to anaother subject. I do this mainly so I don't have to get those unwanted comments.

05-27-2010, 01:54 AM
i don't really talk too much about it with my friends or family. and exercising is something i do in secret. i know it sounds ridiculous, but i feel if i let people know i'm trying to lose weight, and fail.. well i'd be really embarrassed.

05-27-2010, 04:11 AM
I don't really talk about it except with a handful of particular friends, and even then with all apart from one of them (who is now on this forum) I won't talk about it too much.

For me though, it's because I started by being perfectly open about the fact that I was losing weight, and seemed to get shot down. One of my friends saw me just after I'd lost quite a bit. I was really proud of myself, but didn't go about saying "Look how much weight I've lost!". Didn't say anything about that at all. And when I said hi to her, she just said "You need to eat a sandwich". Another, when I went back to college after the summer criticsed me for keeping a food diary and counting calories and said "That's how you become anorexic". I also got some crap from a friend, when I was half-jokingly talking about how fat my thighs were - "Stop f**king talking about how fat you are all the time!"

Coincidentally, I've noticed that it's usually my friends who are overweight themselves who have a problem with me losing weight. I don't know if that's maybe jealousy or that it reminds them that they're overweight or if they genuinely just don't give a damn. Maybe they just don't get how big a deal it was/is for me.

So I guess don't talk about it much because I'm sick of being insulted for it.

05-27-2010, 05:44 AM
I try not to talk about it. I don't really want to bore other people with my current obsession AND I really don't want to listen to their advice!! I find it much easier not to talk to anyone about it.

My Body in Motion
05-27-2010, 08:40 AM
Thanks for all your responses! I didn't know there were others who were "secretly" losing weight too. It is really nice to know I'm not alone in this.

05-27-2010, 04:22 PM
interesting post...i guess i'm mixed on the topic. my family doesn't know (except for my mom and dad) because they're loud, italian, and will not hesitate to call me out if i indulged at a family meal or something. many of them lack tact and a filter...
i have a handful of very close friends, and they all know, because i know they wouldn't judge me or be annoying about it, they've always been supportive of any decision i make...i'm very lucky to have them. the only problem is, they're all healthy and in relatively good shape, so i don't always feel like they can truly relate to some of my struggles the way so many of you all on this forum do.
i do have a friend who is morbidly obese, but i feel funny talking to her about it, which seems odd..i've tried to open up to her about it, hoping that we can support each other and be there for each other, but it doesn't seem like she wants to.

My Body in Motion
05-27-2010, 04:54 PM
the only problem is, they're all healthy and in relatively good shape, so i don't always feel like they can truly relate to some of my struggles the way so many of you all on this forum do.
i do have a friend who is morbidly obese, but i feel funny talking to her about it.

I completely know what you're saying. My best friends are all teeny tiny and I just don't feel like they can relate with my weight loss journey.

But I also feel strange talking with anyone who is heavier than I am because I feel like they're thinking, "what is she complaining about? i'm 50 lbs heavier than she is!"

05-27-2010, 05:28 PM
But I also feel strange talking with anyone who is heavier than I am because I feel like they're thinking, "what is she complaining about? i'm 50 lbs heavier than she is!"

so true...its really a mixed bag. thats why i love this forum so much...i find that no one here is really judging anyone. we're all going through the same thing, and we're all at different stages.
its all about the support here :)

05-27-2010, 08:46 PM
When I first started I was like that. I only told my husband and one of my sisters. After the weight loss started to show I told everyone what I was doing.

When people ask that are heavier I try to be sensitive because I understand the struggle. This site has taught me a lot in this area. I had people that were where I started but are maintaining gently helping me along the way. Which I appreciate so very much.

05-27-2010, 10:21 PM
I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want an audience. Having lost a great deal of weight before, I knew what I was in for & knew I'd be under a lot of pressure. I did not want to add to it by ensuring that everyone would be watching for the results to show and checking up on my performance and asking me how it was going when from looking at me, how it was going would be pretty obvious, particularly if I remained unchanged & it wasn't going well. I'd rather not fail publicly, thankyouverymuch.

05-27-2010, 10:35 PM
I'm at the point where people are noticing, so I can't deny it any more. Even my father, who is so oblivious we're not entirely sure he knows that the fridge dispenses water even though we've lived with it for 20 years, has noticed. I tried, though. I really hate talking about how I'm losing weight, and I hate it when people who know ask "How's the diet going?" Even when they're trying to be friendly you just sit there and think to yourself, Must not be well if you have to keep asking me!

05-27-2010, 10:59 PM
The only person who knows that I'm on a diet is my husband. Last year I lost 30 pounds but after 6 months I gained it back so all friends were disappointed of me. For that reason I prefer this time not to say anything :ziplip:.

05-28-2010, 03:28 PM
I use to talk about it with my friends. But its so hard when you fail, or mess up that you do that in front of everyone that you told. I lost weight b4 and was looking great made new friends and everything (they had no idea at the time I struggled with weight) but now Ive packed so much more on, they look at me diffrent and everything. It sucks! SO from now on I told myself If Im going to do this, Im going to make it and keep it personal! Sure I talk to my bf about it , but he is very understanding and I know he doesnt think less of me because he understands my struggle, hes watched his mom and sister go through the same thing. It just makes it easier to not let everyone know. I even had let my mom and gma know about it (BIG MISTAKE) They always ask oohhh hows your diet goin? And its like "oh fine" but in reality Its "oohhh i cheated and I mest up, AGAIN!" But Ill never say that to them. My grandma use to work for weight watchers so shes all about portion control and no 2nds and Ive eaten enough and bla bla bla. Shes very critical and at her age she thinks she can say whatever she wants..alot the time she hurts my feelings. But like I said, its easier just to keep it to yourself, unless you want everyone to know. But I dont personaly!

My Body in Motion
05-28-2010, 09:47 PM
I find all these responses so interesting. I'm also curious about the reasoning behind the people who do tell their family and friends that they are trying to lose weight. Do they do it so that their friends and family can support them through the journey? Or are there other reasons?

05-29-2010, 12:55 AM
I kind of fall somewhere in the middle. Right at first, my mom, stepdad, and boyfriend were the only ones that knew. Then it got to my Grandma and my sister... Now maybe a dozen people are really aware of it, but I do post things occasionally on facebook about going to the gym or whatever, so who knows, people might be paying attention.

One person who I decided today I'm going to try to actively *not* tell is my biological dad. I don't see him too often(Even though he only lives like, 30 minutes north of me :rolleyes: ) And I'm curious to see if I can lose enough before I see him again that he actually notices... Or my stepmom, or any of the family I have up there. Like some of you have said, I don't want people complimenting me on my loss if there's not actually something to compliment on.

05-29-2010, 01:32 PM
I'm totally with you! For me, its more the fact that I dont want to draw anymore attention to my weight than people may already be thinking internally. By discussing it with people, it opens a door for a conversation that I dont have to have with most people - especially people who are not fat, never have been, and have no clue what i'm dealing with. I also have a very fragile ego when it comes to my weight and any additional criticism would be painful!

05-29-2010, 11:41 PM
the only person that really knows everything is my mom because we are going at this together. other than that, i don't like talking to other people about it at all.

05-30-2010, 06:02 PM
This is such an interesting thread. I never knew other people felt about it the way I do!

I hate to talk about it and draw attention to myself. Just as others on here, I've lost and gained and lost and gained, so when I'm around other people I eat kind of what they do in order not to let on.

Must be a self-protective thing. :(


05-30-2010, 06:15 PM
Except for my son who is also losing weight, I have not discussed anything in detail with anyone. Family lives 3000 miles away, so that's not an issue & I don't see them often at all. My social life basically stinks & I cocoon myself with work so much at home anyway, so that's not really an issue to where I feel I have to mention it to what friends I do have...everyone is busy with their own lives and families to begin with. Everyone will eventually see on their own. The one person that did notice recently is the lady at the Japanese Grocery Store I go to that I buy my Shirataki greeted me yesterday with, "Oh my goodness, hello! so good to see you! Oh my're getting skinny!!!" Being that she's about 5'2 and 100lbs, that felt really good to hear from her!! lol

05-30-2010, 07:13 PM
As far as people I know personally, my family knows it, but that's pretty much it. I don't like saying anything to anybody because I really HATE the advice that others want to give me, especially, "You don't need to lose any weight!" I know my body, and I know how I feel in my own skin, so I hate when people say that to me. I have shared with others that I have lost 65 lbs. (when I first made it to my goal weight) when I could sense that they wanted to talk weight loss but felt uncomfortable with doing so with me thinking that I had always been 120 lbs. and that I wouldn't understand. So, when I can tell that it will be beneficial, I will share my weight loss history with another person.

There have also been times when I have been hurt by the condescension of someone who assumes I have never been overweight and makes a bitter comment toward me such as, "You can eat whatever you want because you're so skinny!", saying it with an attitude of resentment. In those circumstances I will usually let them know about my weight loss so they know the reality of my situation and instead of being bitter towards me, they actually have someone who understands and can offer support if they want it. Usually, once they know my situation their attitude changes and then they want to know how I lost my weight, etc. I can understand their attitude, but it still hurts. These attitudes and comments from others hurt me just as much as when I was overweight. I don't know why exactly. I guess it's because it hurts being judged by someone based on my weight and their false assumptions about my current weight. I was that girl who was bawling her eyes out in the dressing room (several times) when a size sixteen pair of jeans were too tight, and when I wanted to buy something "special" ;) for my husband but I looked horrible in everything that I tried on. I could not stop crying, and the poor lady working there that day was doing everything she could to comfort me, but to no avail. I knew that there was nothing that could really help me feel better except to lose my weight and feel comfortable in my own skin again.

05-31-2010, 02:54 PM
I feel like the weight loss efforts are personal, I discuss them very openly with my bf, we live together, he does a lot of the cooking. Now that I'm down a significant amount, my family, friends and people I know have noticed (I've changed jobs, and the people I work with now have no idea how much weight I've lost). I'd rather keep the ups and downs of it confined to here and bf. If someone asks me, I'll discuss it in brief.

I guess I feel like most people I know irl can't relate/understand what I've gone through and am going through.

my sil has 3 boys in their 20s, they're all 3 college or ex college football players (very big guys). just this past weekend she was talking to a young, slim blond woman in her twenties (in front of me) about having had 3 boys and said: you don't want to have a 300 lb daughter! (they both laughed.) I know she wasn't trying to say anything about me, but I couldn't help feeling like someone here could use a little sensitivity training(!) (she's known me at my highest weight)

06-01-2010, 01:36 PM
I have totally given up on talking about my weight loss journey to anyone, my family included! I have lost and regained the same 10 pounds in the last 3 years. At this point, it really has to be a lifestyle for me or it will never work.

My Body in Motion
06-01-2010, 11:03 PM
The one person that did notice recently is the lady at the Japanese Grocery Store I go to that I buy my Shirataki greeted me yesterday with, "Oh my goodness, hello! so good to see you! Oh my're getting skinny!!!"

That's great! I love when a compliment like that comes out of the blue when you're least expecting it!

you don't want to have a 300 lb daughter! (they both laughed.)

Wow! I am so horrified when people are so ignorant of what they say.

06-01-2010, 11:50 PM
I completely understand your struggle, it's the same for me... and I always try to wiggle myself out of a situation like refusing a piece of cake for a co-worker's birthday without mentioning that I'm avoiding it cuz I'm trying to lose weight. It's nobody business anyway. It's the same with my friends, we go out to eat, I say I'm not very hungry and pick a salad or healthy appy. It's not because I want to! It's because it's the only thing on the ******* menu that's under 800 calories!

It's good to have support like here, online or through a journal or whatever, because it allows you to rant about these things without "annoying" your partner or coworkers or friends.
I think it gets hard for everyone at times, the world doesn't need to know that you're counting calories, but if that's what you need to do to get to your goal, you're gonna have to do it wether the world is watching or now.

06-01-2010, 11:51 PM
*I meant to write:
I think it gets hard for everyone at times, the world doesn't need to know that you're counting calories, but if that's what you need to do to get to your goal, you're gonna have to do it wether the world is watching OR NOT.